Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not mean that you have to accept a person back into your life, or that you are condoning what someone did.


Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.


                                                                                                                                      - Oprah Winfrey


I absolutely love this quote.  I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on.  That it's about letting go.  I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.

And to be honest,  I've had a hard time with that definition.  I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone.   If he finds happiness, he will get off my back.   And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.

A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex.  I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother?   And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.

But this new definition is one that I can live with.  Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present.  That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given.  But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different.  My ex is who he is.  I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him.  If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married.  If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different.  Not really.  Except maybe that I could have left him sooner.  But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did.  I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story.  And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward.  Fair enough.

A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt.  She said "Oh honey.  You know what he's like.  Just accept that he will never change.  That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man.  Let it go and you will be OK.  It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment.  You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself.   Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".

And it's true.

So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening".  I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".

Because quite frankly, it may never end.  Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.

But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR.  I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.

I need to forgive myself.

For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did.  I am the one who needs to be forgiven.  By myself.  For purely kind reasons.  Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different.  The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.

I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.

So I forgive myself.  Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again.  And to let life unfold as it is meant to.  And to let the past be in the past.  Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.

And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward.  I think I've earned at least that.

39 and Feeling it...

Today is my 39th Birthday.  I have mixed feelings.  Next year, I hit the big 4-0.  Hard to believe.

I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that.  And then the pneumonia hit.  And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold.  Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it?  It's pointless.

So here I am.  Working from home.  Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life.  When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life.  He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes.  Thanks for the reminder.

So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs).  I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.

Happy Birthday to me.  And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card.  It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness.  I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect.  To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything.  And everything has a breaking point.  Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.

My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion.  I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get.  I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book.  I will be in tune to what my body tells me.

It has, after all, been my most faithful companion.  But no love in this world is unconditional.  And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions.  And it has the right to.  Lessons learned.

Happy Birthday to me...

A Compassionate Boss

Today was supposed to be my first day back in the office.  I've been out of the office for just over 3 weeks with pneumonia.  I worked from home yesterday, and told my boss that I would come in to work today.

At 6am I got an email from my boss.  She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office?  She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker.  She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later.  She has been constantly warning me to keep warm.  It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.

What a blessing.  Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that?  I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks!  She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.

I feel so blessed.  I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow.  I am blown away.   She even sent me flowers a week ago.  And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.

Today, I've been counting my blessings...

The Butterfly Effect

Do you believe in the butterfly effect?

It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.

It's an interesting concept.

I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently?  I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband.  People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children.  I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?

Then there are other things.  I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband.  Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home.  My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.

Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.

And of course, my children, who I adore.  I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.

The butterfly effect.  Interesting concept.

Snow Day 2011

Today is a snow day.  It's the first one since my kids have been going to public school (since grade 1- so like 5/6 years).  Needless to say, the kids are thrilled.

So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up.  Great.  The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia.  Murphy's Law, I suppose...

Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas.  Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.

As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night.  We had a bet going.  I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall.  He insisted it would be a snow day.  I decided to let natural consequences take their place.  And I lost.  I hate losing).

My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.

And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed).  Life doesn't get a lot better than this.

A Weekend with Mom and Dad

I'm spending this weekend with my mom and dad.  Nothing like some TLC to make you feel better.

It's funny.  I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea.  She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep.  It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left.  There is no better feeling in the world than that.

It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is?  Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me?  Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work.  So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?

While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children?  Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?

I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK.  So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?

That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.

Back to healing.  Thank God for my mom.

And it Spreads

I went to the doctor today.  He says the pneumonia has spread to my other lung, and that it's pretty serious.  I have to be off work again next week.  That's going to be my third week off work, which is hard for me to believe.  Even when I was hospitalized for a week back in 2004, just four months before I left my husband, I went back to work 3 days after coming out of the hospital.  I'm not trying to be a martyr.  I've learned that it doesn't get me anywhere to hold work above all else, but I do have to say that 6 months into a new job, it feels really crappy to take 3 weeks off for an illness.  I work for a totally awesome woman who told me that she had pneumonia once and that she came back to work earlier than she should have and was back at home two weeks after returning to the office, and the second time she was off for a month.  She is super understanding and supportive, which just makes me feel even worse.

As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick.  It never ends with him.  Some people were just made with evil souls.  I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up.  Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder.  The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.

I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick.  I think she may be right.  That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.

Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer.  Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes.  The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital.  I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.

So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.

I'd rather be at work...

Pneumonia

I don't think I can remember ever being this sick....it's the most horrible feeling in the world.  I've been out of the office for a whole week and the doc says I will be out the next week as well.  It's brutal.

It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad.  Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally.  Mentally?  Now that is the pot calling the kettle black.  I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it.  I'd rather just sleep and recover.  But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth.  There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.

Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me.  I really have nothing to complain about.  Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person.  Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking.  Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal.  Sad but true.

I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop.  There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things.  If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...

I don't get it.  The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife.   Like, last week.  I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives.  Maybe he is incapable of happiness.  And kindness.  And human dignity.

I was originally so happy when I heard she was here.  You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone.  But I guess I was way off on that.  Assholes never go away.   They just become bigger assholes.

So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever.  My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness.  It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious.  It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.

Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...

Meeting up with an old Friend

I had lunch with a friend from high school a few weeks back.  She was actually my best friend in high school, and we lost touch after I was married.  Actually, I lost touch with a lot of people after I married Mr. Psycho.  We reconnected through Facebook and met up after almost 20 years.  It was awesome to see her.

Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day.  One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before.  It's absolutely amazing.  What a gift.

2010 in Review

I have to say that last year was not a bad one at all.  It was probably the first really good year I had since the divorce.  My year in review- I counted the good and the bad:

The good:

• I was actually content, for the most part.  Yes, there were stressful patches, but overall, I learned to accept my life for what it is
• I changed jobs and found one where so far, I feel more appreciated, I work 9-5 so I have better work life balance, and I got a chance to switch it up a bit
• My friends :)  I love you guys
• As the debts get lower, financial peace of mind is on the horizon :)
• I cleaned out my whole house over the holidays to give myself mental freedom.   I got rid of 45 garbage bags full of stuff and cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels
• I spent 2 entire weeks over the holidays doing nothing, and I kept the blackberry off.  That is the first time in my life that I turned a blackberry off for any length of time.

The bad:

• My ex is at it again (he is such a mental case, and a jerk....I just need to accept that he will never change)- I will write about his psycho episodes another time.
• I have a few things to figure out in my personal life- but I will get there.
• Towards the end of the year, my health has been taking a bit of a mysterious turn.  Doctors are working with me to figure it out.  I'm told it's nothing major.  I think it's the years of stress taking a toll on my body.

How was your 2010?

My 9 Year Old Daughter gets Customer Service

So, I bought a new iphone 4.  Was totally excited about it.   I have been wanting this phone since May, well before it launched to the public.   Now that I have it, I can say that the usability is just OK.  The convenience of having everything available to you is fabulous, but the phone itself is a piece of junk.  It drops calls, loses signal, and is one massive headache.

So today, I called apple's tech support.  I was on hold for 1 hour and 20 minutes (yes I had it on speakerphone and did other things as I was on hold).  I eventually got fed up and hung up.

My daughter observed this.  Her response?  (And this is pretty much verbatim):

"Oh my God Mom!  Why would you even let them treat you like that?  If they don't get that they are lucky to have you as a customer then you should return their stupid phone, get a better phone and tell everyone not to buy anything from apple ever again.  If they can't even answer a phone call, nobody should give them any business".

My daughter is 9 years old and she gets business and perceived value better than any MBA.

The world is changing, customers are changing, and they are becoming increasingly demanding.  Yes even as young as 9 years old.

It's Been Awhile...Again.

Things have been very different lately.  It's funny- I've had more me time than ever before, but been spending a lot less time online.  Kind of neat.  A lot of it has to do with my new job.   In this new company, I've found work - life balance.  I thought I had it where I was before- I had this great flexible workplace and was never questioned no matter what.  But one of the benefits of this move has been a 9-5 job.  I haven't taken my laptop home to work at night, not even once.  I don't check my blackberry for more than 10 minutes a night, and never on weekends.   I take the train to work.  I've read 6 novels since I started my new job.  Leisure reading.  Not bad at all.  It's funny- I've had more personal time on my hands, but have spent less time writing/blogging.

One of my girlfriends put it well.  She said "Well, I guess you are spending more time living your life, and less time blogging about it".  Funny, but probably true.

I've had breakfast with the kids every day, during the weekdays.  Not granola bars in the car, but a real, sit down breakfast.  I've had a nice sit down dinner with them every night as well.  I really can't complain.

With respect to my ex, well, two weeks ago, I got a package from his lawyer.  A new lawyer, basically saying he wants to re-open all the terms of the court order.  Nice.  For now, I'm taking this one as it comes.  Life has been too good lately to allow him to spoil it.  I'm sure at some point it will stress me out but for now, I just want to enjoy what I have.  Don't get me wrong, it stressed me out a lot when I first got the envelope, but I'm going to try to take this one in stride.  Let's see how long that lasts, but for now, that's the plan.

This is the first year of many that I can say has been a good one for me overall.  I lived the year with peace for the most part, made some significant changes career wise and at home with the kids, and worked on my finances.  Not bad at all.

And the Kids are Home

Hooray!

I have to say, I was very stressed out while they were gone.  I don't think anyone can blame me for that...my ex has a solid history of both being irresponsible where the children are concerned and also being deliberately spiteful towards me.  Never a good combination.  But like I mentioned before, I took every precaution that I could, and I spoke to them every other day.

They came home this past weekend.  And from what I can see, they had a fabulous trip.  They went to the beach every day, they attended their dad's wedding, and they got to travel.  They even got to see the Eiffel tower during their 7 hour stopover in Paris.  Nice.

So now, I feel a bit better.  Perhaps I won't be so stressed should he decide to travel with them again.  I said PERHAPS.

In the meantime, while it's unfortunate for his new wife to be married to a grade A jerk, it does mean he is finally (well hopefully finally) off my hands and officially someone else's problem.  While I wouldn't wish those problems on anyone, and while I do hope he will make the third time a charm for this marriage, I do have some major relief in the fact that he hopefully will have other distractions to deal with, which means less time to bother me.

In the meantime, I can sit and cuddle and enjoy the kids again.  Hooray!  My kids are home :)

The Kids are in Morocco

It is a very long story.

My ex is entitled to two weeks uninterrupted with the children every summer.  Although he requires my permission to travel, I should not be withholding permission without just cause according to our court order.  So the story went like this.

• My ex booked his two weeks of time with me a few weeks ago.  I consented.
• A week later, he told me he wanted to take the kids on vacation and that he was looking for a place to go.  I reluctantly consented.
• A week later, he tells me he would like to go to Morocco.  I freak (to myself) because I don't trust him, and I was not expecting an international travel.  Much less something to a not so developed part of the world.  (Or at least that is how I feel about Morocco).

And then I pause and think about it.  My knee jerk reaction is to say no way in hell.  But the kids are dying to go.  They tell me their dad is getting married (again)- this time to someone from Morocco.   I'm still not comfortable- not with the international travel, not with giving him the passports, not with all the possibilities of everything that can go wrong.  I don't like the idea of sending the kids there with their irresponsible father.  But then I pause to consider the facts.

• My ex is under the care of a psychiatrist, and he has letters to prove it.
• He is entitled to two weeks with the kids according to our court order
• He is entitled to get married, and the kids are entitled to attend their father's wedding.
• The kids really want to go, he really wants to take them.  I am the odd one left out feeling like this is a bad idea.  I can say no, but how will the courts feel about me refusing the kids to go to their father's wedding?
• I call the Canadian Embassy.  They say that Morocco is on good terms with Canada and not to worry.  I register the children's travel.
• I consent to the trip (reluctantly).

Don't get me wrong.  Every part of me is as nervous as hell.  I just didn't know what choices I had.  I'm trying not to think about it.  Sigh.  I've spoken to the children (they left on Friday)- they are having a blast.  So far so good.  But I will not stop holding my breath till they are back.

And how is it that mental freaks can get married for a third time, but good people like myself (yes I do believe I am a good person) can't find a decent relationship?  And please.  To that guy who told me it's because I'm not skinny enough, bugger off.  I don't have time for your BS and put downs.  And yes, I am still emotionally bothered by what he said to me.   You can't say crap like that to someone with a history of eating disorders without triggering some really bad stuff.  Yes they have been triggered.  No I'm not getting into it.  I'll deal with it and get back on track in time.

To the rest of the normal people out there....any thoughts?  Oh yes, and if you are going to tell me it's because I'm not skinny enough, please stop reading my blog.  I'm not in the mood for stupidity.

I guess I'm grumpy and edgy these days.  Sigh.

The Bad Goalie

My kids both play soccer.  A couple of weeks back, my daughter had a chance to be goalie in the second half of their game.  Her team was winning 2-0.  She got in the net, and I watched as my little baby tried to block the net, but let 3 goals in. Her team lost 3-2.  She was devastated.

I knew from the moment the game ended that this was not going to be pretty.  I thought she was going to cry.  And then I saw her run towards me, tears streaming down her face.  "Mommy- I made my team lose!"

I reassured her that it wasn't her fault.  She played her best, and that is all we can do.  We can't do better than our best.  "But mommy- If someone else was the goalie, we wouldn't have lost!  I think they all hate me!".

"Firstly baby.  They don't hate you.  Secondly, how do you know you would have won?  How do you know that the people scoring the goals weren't the ones that were good goal scorers?  How do you know?"

She paused.  "No.  It's my fault".

"Ok...is there anything we could have done differently?  No.  Could we do better than our best?  No.  At the end of the day, someone is going to lose and someone is going to win.  The other team's goalie let 2 goals in.  Is that her fault?  No".

But man, no matter what I said, it didn't seem to work.  And then I said, "Honey, every child cannot be the best at every role.  Look at professional soccer.  The best goal scorer is probably not the best in net.  And the goalie probably can't score a goal.  You are the best defense person on that team.  Be proud of what you do well and enjoy it when you get a chance to try out other roles, but don't be sad just because you can't be the best at all of them.  Even professionals can't do that.  Just have fun when you are on the field, and allow yourself to enjoy which part of the game you like the most, what part you do the best in, and what part you don't enjoy."

Bingo.  A smile. "I love you Mommy.  You are the best."

Mommy-1.  Soccer meltdown- 0.  :)

Graduation at Ontario Place

I witnessed something so beautiful I had to blog it.  But before I get there, let me describe the daily joys of raising a child with ADHD.  My son had his graduation school trip today to Ontario Place.  I got up early, packed his lunch, and got him ready for his long awaited trip.  Now, my son has a tendency to forget things.  I don't know if it's him, or if it's the ADHD, but this is a normal part of our routine.  As a result, my son has 3 lunch bags.  (He often forgets the bag at school, so I have backups).  So after I go through the loving routine of packing his lunch, and dropping him to school, I come home only to find the lunch bag on the floor by the door.  I wasn't sure if he grabbed an empty lunch box or if he just forgot it.  Either way, it wasn't the first time. I rushed to the school, just as the school buses pulled in, and gave the lunch box to the office secretary who promised to make sure he would get it before getting on the bus.

At the end of the day, I went to pick up my son.  He gets into the car and says "I didn't know you brought my lunch box...they just gave it to me now".  SERIOUSLY????  My main thoughts are 'Oh my God! my baby spent the day hungry'.  I also felt angry because I dropped off the lunch box before the buses left and he still didn't get it on time.

So I asked him "What did you eat all day?"  And then he reminded me about the $10.  Here is the sweet part - As I dropped him to school, I searched in my bag for $10 so he could have some spending money.  I told him to buy ice cream or a treat.  But I only had $20 bills (damned bank machines!).  So, I gave him a $20 bill and asked him to promise to bring home $10, and reminded him that I was trusting him.  (It's not about the money.  I don't believe in children spending money thoughtlessly- that's how they get spoiled).

Anyhow, when I asked what he ate- he said "Ice cream and popcorn, because that's what you said I could spend the money on".  "Sweetie, you had $20.  When you realized you forgot your lunch, you could have spent the rest on pizza or something.  You know I wouldn't have wanted you to be hungry".  "No mommy.  You said a treat like ice cream or a treat at the gift shop, and not to spend more than $10.  I also wanted to buy a present for my sister, and I promised to only spend $10, so I didn't know if I had enough for pizza too.  It's OK, I wasn't hungry. I had a big breakfast".

Awwww :(

What's worse?

• That the secretary failed to give him the lunch?
• That I gave him too strict a rule around the $10, and that he went hungry in the process of trying to respect my rules?
• That he was so sweet he gave up a slice of pizza to buy a present for his sister, making me feel oh-so-guilty?

I was teary eyed when he told me.  Then he handed me two fives and a loonie.  I asked him what the loonie was for, and he said it was the change, and that he wanted to be responsible and show me that I could trust him with money.

I don't know if I actually taught him a good lesson, or if I'm just a shmuck.  Then again, maybe it was me who learned the lesson.  My heart melted today.  Every now and then, this child surprises me.  There are moments where he drives me nuts, and other moments, like the one today, where I look at him and see a child full of promise for the future, ADHD or no ADHD.

Week 2 at Home

I get to work from home for the week.  I guess there is extra security in the city, and so they have asked us not to come in.  I'm not complaining.  I love working from home (I mean, spare 2 hours of commute time, why not?)- and to be honest, it's a great way to spend week 2.  I have 2GB of things to read through (I know because it filled 2 memory sticks) and a presentation to put together, so I will definitely be busy.

As I type this, I have my home-made iced tea in front of me, and I am about to go outside on the front porch to read presentations, drink ice tea and sit in my yoga pants, t-shirt and sunglasses so I can soak up the sun while I work.  Hmm- soak up the sun and work.  I think I just re-defined multi-tasking.  But in a really good way. :)

Life is good.

Back to the Grind...

I really enjoyed being lazy....it was something I never really got to do in my life.  Mat leave was the only time I ever had off, and really, that wasn't time off.

So I started the new job.  Today was day 3....so far so good.  I learned a few things:

• Companies in the same industry are more similar than different 
• That being said, culture is radically different from one place to the next
• I feel good about this change :)
• Taking public transit to work is not fun if you are used to driving in/yapping on the phone and listening to the radio full blast in the morning
• When you take public transit, you cannot wear heels to work or your feet get blisters by the end of the day (mental note, I need to buy appropriate walking shoes)
• Makeup melts off your face if you run to catch a train in the heat
• Saying you have to catch a train is a good way to leave the office on time without people bugging you to stay for "five more minutes"
• When you leave a company after 18 years, you feel lost in the new place, but the new place will still treat you like you are the best thing since sliced bread (great feeling)
• Good friends from your last company will still stay by your side even after you leave.  See - those friendships weren't because of the company-they ARE because of the people!

Overall, I am feeling good so far.  

Time Flies.

I start my new job tomorrow.  I can't believe it's been almost 4 weeks already.  I don't even know where the time went.

This was the first time in my life that I ever just blew with the wind.  I mean, I went to the gym, I cleaned up, I rested, watched TV, hung out with some friends....I could SO get used to this life.  I did not keep a calendar, I did not answer to anyone, and I really just enjoyed myself.  It was good.  And I learned to let go of a few toxic things along the way.  Some were related to my personal life, some were related to friends, and some were just related to me being too hard on myself.  It was all good.  I feel happy.

Well, I'm excited about starting another new chapter in my life.  Very excited.  Wish me luck...

Baby Wipes

Conversations like the one I had with my son this morning remind me of how messed up things can sometimes be.

I was driving my son to school, and as I turned the corner, I watched my son rustle through his backpack.  And then a little blue package caught my eye.  I asked him what it was and he tried to brush me off.  I asked if I could see it and he pulled out a little mini packet of baby wipes.  Weird.  I asked where he got it and he said he found it in a diaper bag at his dad's house.  So my next questions were what is your dad doing with a diaper bag, and why do you have an empty packet of baby wipes in your backpack?

His answer?  Get out the tissue box my friends....

He found it in our old diaper bag that was amongst some of his dad's old things.  He kept the old baby wipe packet in his backpack, because it reminded him of the times when his dad and I were together.  It made him think about times where all of us must have gone out together as a family, and done happy things together.  A time when he had a real family.  He said they must have been really happy times.

And in the hope of keeping and old and distant memory, my son keeps an empty packet of diaper wipes tucked secretly away in a hidden compartment of his backpack.

How sad is that?  And just imagine- I thought the kids were OK, and that they were doing well.  When really, it sounds more like they need serious therapy.

Sighhhh.  How do you know when you are doing enough as a single mom?  And how do you bridge the sadness for these children?  

My heart feels so heavy today...now I feel like I'm the one who needs the therapy.

The Good Looking Officer

I had to go to traffic court a few days ago. Recall my accident almost a year ago....the guy who was charged was fighting the ticket and I got summoned to come to court as a witness. What a total waste of time, but I guess they have to do it. If I didn't show, there would be nobody to tell the other side and they would have to drop the charges. So I went to court. I debated not going at all. I mean the guy was nice, he didn't mean to ram into me, and he was nice about making sure I was OK. So why should I care if he doesn't get charged?

Well, apparently when you are summoned to appear in court, you kind of have to go. So I went.

When I got there, I recognized the guy who hit me. He waved and came over to chat. Like I said, nice enough guy. As we were talking, this really really good looking police officer walks by. He waves to the cop and says hello. I say "Damn, he is good looking....you know him?" His response, "Yes I do, and so do you. He is the officer that came to our accident scene and he is the one that gave me the ticket. And by the way, you said the exact same thing when the accident happened".

I DID?? (Man I'm getting old. I don't remember that!)

The guy goes on to say "Yes, you did....you got out of your car, complained about your back pain, took one look at the officer and said 'damn, he's good looking'.

I'm so embarrassed. Firstly, how wrong is it to make a comment like that? Secondly, how wrong is it to do it twice??? I feel like I'm one big walking hormone. Like in high school. Sheesh.

Mental note. Don't look at the cops. Especially not the good looking ones. And if you do, keep your comments in your head. Inside voice Shaz, inside voice.

Remember when you were a child?

I've been able to spend more time with my children lately. It's been really nice. And I've been able to pay more attention to the things that I haven't been able to pay attention to before....perhaps because my mind was so occupied. I've been able to chat more with the children, listen to the things on their mind, and all of it has also taken me down memory lane.

Take for example the other night. I was watching TV and went upstairs to go to bed. I saw a little light coming out from under the covers in my son's room. My first reaction- anger. If this child is playing video games under that blanket at 11pm, I'm going to tear a strip off him. So I walk in his room and ask what he is doing. He responds with "I'm sorry mama. Please don't be mad". And he pulls out a flashlight. And a book. My son was reading a book! Let me clarify- MY SON with ADHD who hates reading was reading at 11pm under the covers. He couldn't put down the Gordon Korman book I got him from the library. So I remind myself that this is a teachable moment. React nicely. I smile and say "No honey. I'm not mad, I did that when I was little too. I'm glad you like the book, and I don't mind you reading under the covers, but can you do this on weekends? If you don't go to bed on time, you're going to be late for school tomorrow." He beamed. "I love you mama". I respond with "I love you too. Hey that must be some good book, huh?"....

The funny thing is, I did the exact same thing when I was little. I would love reading under the covers with a flashlight. It actually made me happy he was doing it. (And even more happy it wasn't a video game)...

Today, I had another flashback to childhood. I was coming home from the gym and decided to drive by the children's school. I had no specific reason, I just thought it would be neat to see if they were outside. And they were. I parked my car and watched the children play. I couldn't spot my children, but what I saw was pure joy. Children laughing, running, playing, being carefree. It was beautiful, and it reminded me of our recess breaks in school. Exchanging stickers, playing with Barbie dolls, and playing tag. And here they were. It sure was fun being a kid.

I wanted to run in and play too. I wanted to let go of all my adult worries for just 10 minutes and play tag with the children. I wanted to forget the bills, the new job, the old job, counting calories, going to the gym. I just wanted to play.

I'm glad they are children. I'm glad they are happy. But most of all, I love these rare moments where I can reminisce and live vicariously through them.

Puberty Education

My little baby is growing up. And I hate it.

I know I shouldn't. But it makes me kind of sad. Not want-another-baby sad, but just kind of sad. And a bit fearful. After all, the hardest, dreaded teenage years are yet to come.

My son brought a note home from school yesterday. It is a note advising me that the class will be separated between girls and boys for a few days next week so they can do "puberty education". Basically, this is not sex education, just giving them information about puberty, and the changes that their bodies will go through.

Sigh. Already? Really? I mean, I can still remember breastfeeding my son. I can remember carrying around diaper bags and pushing strollers. I was not expecting this so soon...

I asked him if he will share his "learnings" with me. He gave me a sheepish smile and said "Yes mama. But won't it be embarrassing for you to hear all this?" UM. NO. Trust me, I already know everything they are going to tell you. I just want to know how much of it you will learn.

I asked him if he got any examples of what they will teach. Yes, he says. They will tell you about the body parts that grow hair, using deodorant, etc.

I want to know what the "etc" is. Sigh. I guess it's time to buckle up. The roller-coaster ride is going to begin soon.

Have I ever mentioned my fear of roller-coasters? Or the fact that the queasy stomach feeling makes me want to throw up?

Judging the Gym Instructor

Guilty as charged. Here is what happened.

I went to the gym yesterday for a kick boxing class. I sat on the floor, holding my spot, waiting for the instructor to arrive. In comes the instructor, a very heavy woman, who looked twice my size (no word of a lie). My jaw dropped. I've never seen an instructor who looked so unfit, and this lady was going to teach ME how to get my abs in shape? She was twice my size (for real)! No way. My mind raced thoughts- should I leave and do my own workout? Drive to the other gym and make it for their class? Or stick it out? I decided to stick it out.

10 minutes into the class, I felt like Simon Cowell when Susan Boyle started to sing. This woman was really kicking it. I mean REALLY. I could not keep up with her. And to my shame, halfway through the class, as I was huffing and puffing, she came up to me, gently touched my shoulder and said "Honey, this is your first class ...do you want me to show you how to do the beginner moves, it might help?"

No way. I go to the gym 3 times a week (OK, sometimes 2). I have been taking kick boxing for 6 months. But still. Here I was JUDGING this woman, and I couldn't even keep up with her.

I will never judge a book by it's cover again.

So today...I went to the gym again, and to my surprise, there she was, ready to teach this class as well. This time I smiled at her and said "See...I'm still alive....ready for another round". Her response "Good girl...we will get you to where you need to be".

And this time, I didn't doubt her one bit. I'm actually going to scope out her classes and try to attend. They were HARD. And she was rockin awesome.

Clearing the Closet

My name is Shaz, and I am a shoe-aholic.

On second thought, let's make that a shop-aholic. I think I need help.

As part of my personal goal for some downtime before starting my new job, I decided to re-organize things, starting with all the closets/drawers/cupboards in my home.

I did the kitchen and main floor yesterday. This morning, I woke up and decided to start with my room. More specifically, my closet. What a disaster.

I found things that were so old, I don't even know where they came from. For example, there was the pair of shoes I bought when I was married. If my calculations are correct, they are about 15 years old. Still as fabulous as ever, very expensive, but worn only 3 times. What a waste. I decided to add them to the donation pile.

Then there were a few that I decided to finally give up and throw out.

The kicker was the 7 pairs of shoes I found that are totally fabulous, but have never been worn. Not even once. The icing on the cake was the very sexy pair of red strappy sequined sandals, that I cannot even remember buying. They are totally fantastic, and I intend to make use of them this summer. But for the life of me, I do not remember when or where I bought these beauties. Either I have serious memory issues, or I just have too much stuff. Maybe it's a bit of both.

Anyhow, today truly was a "shop in your closet" day. I have given myself 6 months to make use of my new finds, or they are out the door. Let's see how I do.

I can say one thing...with things re-organized, it definitely did wonders for my mental state. With all that clutter and baggage out of the way, I'm feeling really great.

And finding those new strappy red sandals didn't hurt either. I actually did a glee dance when I found them. Happy day!

Pink Laptop

Last week, I bought myself a Pink Sony VAIO. I've heard mixed reviews about the Sony, but so far, I think it's great. And its PINK. Yaay!

It's funny- for the longest time, well, for as long as I can remember, I've had this "pink" obsession...anything and everything pink makes me smile. At work, I had my friend swing me a cute little pink blackberry. Non company standard, but loads of fun! :)

Yesterday, I sat here in my family room, windows open, drinking diet Pepsi and typing on my new pink laptop.

Life is good :)

You just know...

Oprah interviewed Simon Cowell from American Idol on her show today. Her question to him was "Why are you leaving the show"? His answer was "Because you just know when it's time to go".

I can relate. The timing for these things is never perfect, but it is what it is, and you just know when it's time.

Words to live by...

This week, I resigned from my job. After 18 years of being with the same company, a company that I worked for since I was 20 years old, in my undergraduate years. It was a scary thing to do, but for so many reasons, it was time.

Onwards to the next phase in my career...Fingers crossed, ready for the ride.

A Sick Action

I missed my ex's telephone call tonight (my ex is entitled to a nightly phone call with the children). It wasn't on purpose or anything. I think I was on the phone when he called, dialing out perhaps and his call went right into voicemail. He called again at 9:15 and by that time, the children were already asleep. I apologized when he called. His response- he went to the police station at 10pm tonight and insisted that I WAKE UP the children so that he could speak to them. This is seriously ill judgment and in no way does it indicate any amount of love or care for the well being of the children. It was purely a control tactic and seriously concerning. In what way is waking up the children from a deep sleep in the middle of the night to say hello good for their well being? And what normal rational mentally well parent would do such a cruel thing to his own children?

I am so fed up of all this bullshit. Just when I think God is finally giving me a chance to breathe, I get this bullshit. It's seriously screwed up.

This is a man who has not respected the court order himself. He has called at his leisure, sometimes at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm, 7pm, 8pm, and 9pm. Not once have I stopped him from speaking to the children. Not once have I given him a hard time. I have always wanted to be the better parent, the one who did not put the children in the middle. But this is absolutely enough. My ex is just a hostile person, and I am becoming concerned again about the children's safety when they are under his care.

I am happy to respect the court order, but he needs to accept the same. On the one hand, he requests lenience from me, and on the other, he is rigid and down right selfish when it comes to the children. This is totally unacceptable.

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I seriously think I need to get the hell out of Toronto. And get the kids to a safer place where they can live a more stable life. I have never felt so completely isolated in my entire life.

Where Did the Neat Freak Go?

So I got a few things done this weekend. And I actually feel a sense of accomplishment.

I know that I am mentally sorting life out when I clean up the piles of well, the piles of stuff that builds up in my home. See, while I am a germ freak, (you will find my home always sanitized), I have to admit that I am not always the tidiest person in the world. I like to tell myself (and others) that I am a neat freak, but having observed myself for the past few years, I have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a neat freak (although sometimes, where I have to start the cleanup task, I really wish I were).

Funny. When I was married, I was a total neat freak. I would stay up until 4am cleaning the place. I would stress out when things were out of order. Maybe that was because so much in my life was in disarray, that I had to maintain some order in some area of my life. I also had an ulcer, and ultimately a stress attack which led me to the decision to file for divorce.

Now, my home is happier, more content than ever (thank you GOD!) but it can actually get rather untidy at times. By this, I mean that for example, you will see things like a pile of my children's books sitting on the sofa on top of the big blanket they lie under when they are reading. In the kitchen, you will find dishes in the sink, left from the afternoon snacks/nutella/bowls of cereal the kids ate when hungry. In the hallway, you will find shoes, coats, knapsacks sometimes put neatly to the side, and sometimes left where they took them off. Kids. Sigh.

In the bedrooms, there are stuffed toys, laundry to be put away, clothes that need to be washed...

But it's OK. I can come to terms with it. Because ultimately, in this home, for the first time in my life, I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel like I can let my guard down, and most of all, I feel content. And that contentment is also a first for me.

While I am not advocating for an untidy house, I can honestly say that I think part of my contentment comes from having a space where I can let my guard down. It's a space where I can rest, and not stress about what others will think, because I choose who to invite in. I choose (very carefully) who I welcome into my home. Only the non-judgmental people are welcome here. Only my true friends. And it's come to a point that others feel it. I have been told by many people that there is a special warmth that welcomes them when they visit me. And I believe it, because I feel it too.

So, I will take the untidy home any day. There is something to be said about not stressing about things. I wouldn't trade this for the world. So thank you pile of books. Thank you backpacks, thank you dirty dishes. Thank you for helping me let go.

Cutting Myself some Slack

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you work, you can never do enough?

Lately, I've been feeling like anything I do is just not good enough. That's a tough one. It's like when those around you make you feel like you have somehow failed. It's a weird feeling, because my logic tells me I've accomplished alot. I'm a good mother. Maybe I'm not a perfect mother. Maybe my children don't have the best grades, and maybe they don't have the strongest religious faith, but I'm trying. But sometimes, friends who mean well come along and point out all the flaws ("you should really be doing this" or "you need more backbone when disciplining your kids"), and you are left standing there wondering how one human being such as myself could so badly mess things up.

And then a day goes by and logic kicks back in and I realize that I've done not so badly given the limited resources that I have. At the end of the day, regardless of family and friends, I stand alone. And by that, I mean that there is nobody here doing the laundry, the dishes, the homework, the housework, or paying the bills. It's so easy to judge the flaws of another human being when you are on the outside looking in, but really it's very hard to be the person on the inside, especially when you stand alone.

My one ask of the world is that you cut me some slack. I'm only human. And at the end of the day, for the time being, even if it only lasts one month at a time, I see things this way:

• Yes my house could be tidier, but I spend the extra time with my children
• Yes my kids could have better grades, but I have one child with ADHD and another who is just always needy and clingy. So they don't have the best grades, but for now, they do have the unconditional love of a mother who would do just about anything for them, and I'm trying to make them feel intelligent and worthy as human beings. That's all I've got to offer.
  
• Yes my kids have their temperamental days, but they are human, and so am I, and so we can let it slide right?
• Yes I am always on my blackberry. Yes it impacts the kids. But I am a single mom with a deadbeat ex husband who doesn't help much financially and I have to support the family on my own while nobody is here to support me and give me downtime. No it's not right that I am a crack berry addict, but yes it is understandable.
• Yes I could afford to lose a few pounds. But I can only go to the gym 2 days a week- Sat and Sunday. And I do that. It's the best I can do. Stop beating me up for it and telling me that I am not attractive enough, or that I need to lose weight. I own a mirror and yes I do look in it. Fortunately, losing weight is at least do-able (albeit someday). Those of you making these comments need to undergo a personality transplant. As far as I know, personality transplants are not so readily available. So there.
  

I'm learning to be kind to myself. The next step is to teach some of my friends to start doing the same. In the meantime, I'm going to try to focus on the few things that I think I am doing well enough to deserve some praise.

Who needs the approval of others anyways?

AND....She's back.

Call it a sabbatical :)

I needed a break from the world. To think about things. And I've been busy. But overall, I can say that life is busy, but life is generally good.

I'm thankful for the friends who taught me how important friendship is. Thankful for the ones who you don't see often, but have meaningful presences when you do see each other. You know, the ones you can call after months and pick up like time never passed at all. And I'm even thankful for the ones who have taught me that different friends can be trusted with different things. Not everyone is capable of protecting your heart in times of need. Some just don't have the emotional know how to do that. It's not anyone's fault. It's who they are.

But generally, I feel I have some direction. A game plan for life. (Well for now). I'm defining what I need and need to plan out how to get there.

I've also been re-defining my relationships with family. Like friends, not all family members should be treated equally.

Overall, I am well, the kids are good, and I am happy. My ex is still who he is. He still creates problems here and there, but I'm learning to accept that this is who he is, and this is how things will always be. I figure if I stop fighting it, maybe it will bother me less and less?

So far so good :)

Becoming Someone Else

How does one move on from a difficult life experience? By becoming someone else.

When you experience something truly traumatic, something that totally paralyzes you, it is almost impossible to remain who you are and to move on. These types of experiences fundamentally change who you are. They have to. That's the only way to make it through them, to get past them. This realization just hit me recently.

I was debating with a close friend. He had a hard time understanding how someone like me (tough, independent, strong willed) could ever allow a man to treat me the way my ex treated me. I kept explaining that I am different today. He asked when I changed. I thought about it, and realized the answer. I changed the day I left him. I had to. Because the girl who stuck around for 11 years had to be left behind completely for me to be able to start a new life. I had to very deliberately leave her behind, and that is exactly what I did. And I had to promise that I would not let her come back.

So to those that have a hard time understanding how I got though it, you need to first understand that I had to let go of who I was. I had to let go of the wishful, dreamy, overly dedicated, naive and somewhat pathetic girl. I had to develop thick skin. I had to think more about myself and my children. I almost had to become the opposite of who I was.

I basically had to create a new me.

And I'm still creating her. Something tells me I won't ever finish. And I'm really OK with that. I am sort of enjoying the discovery process, enjoying learning about myself. Over the past 5 years, I've learned about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned that I make a lot of mistakes. I screw up sometimes. But I am sincere. I don't try deliberately to hurt those around me. I've learned that I have an incredible ability to forgive. (Even if I haven't quite developed the ability to forget). But that's OK. Overall, I don't mind the person I've become. I kind of like her. I just wish I found her a bit sooner. 11 years was a long time to wait to meet her.

But it's better late than never. And so as I look forward to the future, I wonder what else I will learn about myself, what other strengths I have that I didn't see before.

And I say goodbye to the other girl that I left behind. I thank her for helping me build a foundation, for giving me the opportunity to change, and for not insisting on traveling the remainder of the journey with me.

And I thank God. For the experiences, for the strengths, and for not letting me fall as hard as I could have.

A New Decade With Renewed Hope

I'm looking forward to the new decade. I'm hoping it marks an end to all that I had to clear out of my life in the last decade.

In hindsight, 2009 was not a bad year at all. I finalized my court proceedings. Things were stable at work. I feel like I've reconnected with my kids and stabilized my finances. And because the court case has finally ended, there is now a band-aid on the financial bleeding, which means I can rebuild things financially from this point on. It's hard to rebuild when you're still bleeding.

On the emotional front, my personal life is not as stable as I would want it to be, and I've had some recent things to deal with, but regardless, I am emotionally happier. I would say that I am content. And that's a nice seat to be in.

The new decade represents a few things for me:

1. The hope of emotional stability
2. Financial stability
3. Happiness
4. A decade free of physical pain. Nobody will ever physically hurt me again. Ever.
5. Independence- from culture, family, the never ending expectations of people
6. A new life with my children
7. The knowledge of who my real friends are- it's good to know who is really on your side. I have been given this gift. Every hardship comes with its share of silver lining
   

I think things have been better for me in the past few months than they have been in the past 15 years. I'm hoping that things continue. If they do, 2010 will be the best year yet.

Goodbye to a Grandfather

My grandfather passed away a few days ago.

It was on Christmas day. The day that I came home from my trip to Cuba. As I got off the plane at 2pm Christmas Day, I got an urgent text message to call my mother. When I called her, my mother advised that my grandfather had passed away just two hours before (while we were still in the air), and that the family was waiting for me at the hospital so that I could pay my last respects before they take his body away. On that note, just to explain one thing...as Muslims, we have to bury the body right away, like within 24 hours if at all possible.

I rushed to the hospital, prayed a prayer for my grandfather, gave my condolences to my grandmother, and proceeded to make funeral arrangements with my father. This was a tough one, because we needed the funeral to be the next day, and because of the Christmas holidays, we had a tough time finding people to help with the burial service (digging the grave, etc). We ended up finding someone, but had to pay extra to have the funeral over the Christmas closures. Thankfully, we were able to have the funeral on the 26th.

It was sad to see my grandfather go, and from another perspective, it was expected. He was in his 90's, and lived a good life. He was a good man. And towards the end of his life, his quality of life really wasn't there. I asked my mother how he died so suddenly. I mean, I went a few weeks ago to the nursing home on Eid to visit him, and he was fine when I left for Cuba, and then he passed away on the day I was returning. My mother explained that he developed an infection in his leg. Four days before he died, the hospital asked my father to make a decision. They could either amputate both his legs to get rid of the infection, or they could put him on morphine and let nature decide his fate. My dad opted for the morphine. He didn't feel that there was any dignity in amputating his limbs, and he was concerned that this type of a surgery may not even be successful. I believe he made the right decision. He was told my grandfather would have 1-4 months to live. He died 4 days later.

I'm glad he died sooner, rather than suffering for an extended period of time. Still, it's sad to say goodbye to a man that lived with us for over 15 years when I was growing up. After his death, I remembered a day when I was 12 years old, trying to avoid one of my regular Quran lessons with grandfather, running and hiding in the bedroom closet. As I read from the Quran after my grandfather's death, I had tears in my eyes as I recalled the day he found me in the closet and said "Just remember, when my time comes, and I pass away, read from the Quran for me. Make sure you're not hiding in the closets when that time comes, ok?". I remember saying "Dada (urdu for grandfather), you're going to live a long time". And thankfully he did. And yes, I did get to pray for him, and I was glad I was able to do it. I can also thank him for encouraging me to learn my prayers. That's one contribution that he has made that will continue on, every time I read a prayer. And when I do read those prayers, I will make sure I pray one for him.

Cuba in December

The children and I just came back from a trip to Cuba. We had an awesome time. Life has been really busy lately, and I knew it was time for a break. So a few weeks ago, I made a spur of the moment decision and booked a trip for the 3 of us.

Cuba was great. It was cold for the first 3 days (really cold, like 10 degrees cold), but we still had an awesome trip. The last 4 days were very warm, and we got the opportunity to hang out on the beach. Most of all, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually got the chance to take a break. Like a lie-on-the-beach and do nothing, think of nothing kind of break. And it was awesome. Many of my friends said that a beach vacation would not be for me, that I would go crazy, and that I would end up bored. They were wrong. I am amazed at how I was able to lie there for hours and just love it. I can't wait to go on another beach getaway.

We celebrated my son's birthday while we were away. The restaurant manager baked a cake for my son and had the piano player play "happy birthday" for him. My son loved it. The resort we stayed at had such a great Public Affairs manager, that on my son's birthday, he walked the beach looking for us so that he could give my son a little gift (badminton set) and a card. I thought it was a really nice touch.

The bonding period with my kids was awesome. I cannot wait to get away with the kids again.

Home Alone, Yet Underage

Getting back to the topic of my ex's idiotic tendencies, I had another issue with him a few weeks back. This one really ticked me off, to the point that I couldn't function for days. It was another one of those 'do I call the cops, or do I deal with matters on my own' situations. Yet another one. It never ends. On this note, one of the questions I still haven't been able to answer for myself is why have I not been able to contact the authorities thus far? What is my issue? I tell myself that it is because I don't want the children exposed to it, that I don't want their father to be charged, that overall it will only hurt them. While this is true, I think I have to be honest with myself and admit that there is much more to it. For whatever reason, I cannot do it. I wasn't even able to do it before the kids were in the picture, so it has as much to do with ME, with MY issues than with anything else. This is something I have to deal with somehow.

Anyhow, getting back to what happened, a few weeks ago, I was having dinner with my children. My daughter was talking about her play date with a girlfriend while she was at her father's house. It occurred to me that while she was there, my son must have been going to a play date with his friend also. So I asked him what he does when his sister is with her friend. The response is silence, as my child looks down and starts to eat faster. Anyone with children knows that this is a sure sign that something is wrong. So I ask the question again, to which I again get the same response. So I ask what they are hiding from me.

My daughter responds "we are not allowed to tell you". Not allowed to tell me what? So I explain that lying and and keeping something from your mother is a very bad thing. A mother's job is to protect her children. But I cannot protect what I do not know.

So my daughter tells me that "he stays home". As in with your father? "No. As in on his own". As in while he drops you off? "No- as in while he goes out with his friends".

So let me get this straight? Psycho man leaves my 9 year old boy home alone, unattended, while he goes out for coffee with his buddies? Seriously?!! I was infuriated. To top it off, the kids tell me I'm not allowed to tell their dad. Their dad will get mad. So I'm stuck. Protect the kids, or lose their confidence and risk them getting in trouble by their dad? I choose to protect my kids. So I tell them that I have to speak to their dad. I tell them that it is a criminal offense to leave a child home alone. I tell them that when they allow their dad to do it, they are breaking the law as well. I guess this freaked the kids out a bit (I know, it's harsh. But what else can I do? I can't control him, so I have to make the kids understand)...it's for their own good...

I spoke to a friend and told him that I was really ticked. I told him that I needed to have a chit chat with my ex. His advice was that I wait out the weekend and cool off. That if I lose my temper, it will just result in more hostility. So I wait out the weekend.

The following Monday, I call my ex. I wait until I am calm. I ask him if we can talk about the children. He says yes. Then I proceed to tell him that I have come to understand that on a few occasions, he has left our son home alone, unattended. Silence. So I proceed to say that I'm a little confused at why he would do this, after all, he only sees the children for 6 days a month, and if he has childcare issues, perhaps he can leave them with me. That I am only concerned about the children's safety and well being.

And then he blows up at me. He starts calling me a self righteous bitch and starts with all sorts of profanities. On and on. I wait for him to settle down but he doesn't. Then, after a couple of minutes of his non-stop cursing, I step in. I tell him that I have had enough. That he should be thankful that I even called him. All I have to do is call the police or the CAS. After all, what the hell do I care? I'm the custodial parent. I have nothing to lose. He continues swearing and I yell back. It turns into an all out yelling/swearing match. I end the call with "you know what? I'm sorry I called you. I should have called the authorities. I should have known not to give you the benefit of the doubt. Go to hell". And then I hang up.

Two minutes later, I get a text message asking me to calm down, so we can talk again the next day. The next day, I decide no more talking. So I email him. I basically put it in writing that I need a written commitment that he will not leave the children home alone again. And if I find out, I will immediately contact the authorities, without calling him. The response to my email comes via text message. It says "confirmed". That's a typical cover-your-ass response. I follow up with a phone call, again making it clear that I will not tolerate this again. He confirms that it won't happen again.

I leave it at that. I save the text message with the email. He might have used a different medium, but it's still evidence.

This was all a few weeks ago. Since then, I have checked in with the kids many times. They have stated that they have not been left alone since then. I believe them for now.

But rest assured, if I find out he is doing this again, I'm seriously going to lose it next time. No more mercy. (Ok, now THAT line was DEJA VU...)

Poisoning a Child's Mind

So what do you do when an ex says destructive things about the other parent? What recourse do we have in a divorce situation? There isn't a court in the country that can stop one parent from filling a child's mind with crap about the other parent. So how do we deal with these things?

Today my children came home from a weekend with their father. As soon as they got home, my son asked me what I did all weekend. I told him that I did some shopping, went to the gym, cleaned out my closets, did some laundry and watched a movie with some friends. He was quiet. I asked what was bothering him.

He said that his father told him (in confidence), that when the kids are with their dad, their mother has "sex with various different men" and that I am a "very loose woman". I cannot begin to describe how angered I am right now. I am so furious I can barely type. Firstly, I don't even know if my almost 10 year old son knows what sex is. (I am hoping he does not). I asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant kissing and sleeping in the same bed.

I proceeded to tell him that no, it is not true and that his father has no right to make up stories about me. He asked how he as a child can tell which parent is telling the truth (it's a fair question). I explained that firstly, the parent who tells you things in secret is usually doing something wrong (or making things up), and that he as my son should have a pretty good idea of the type of woman I am. Thirdly, I explained that IF in some way, I were doing something wrong, how the heck would his dad know about it? It's not like he's here to watch me. That was the light bulb moment for my son. Oh yeah, he says. How would he know something like that about you? Well duh.

I called my friend to vent about this. He told me that these are the things I cannot change. My ex is an asshole of the supremest degree and that is who he will always be. I will have to deal with these things as they come up. I just hope one day everything he does bites him. He deserves it. He deserves a miserable life. And yes, I am wishing it upon him. I'm angry. Kill me for venting if you don't like it.

My biggest mistake was marrying that scum of a human being. 5 and a half years after my leaving him, and he still doesn't let up. Some days, it feels like I will never have any peace. Sigh.

Your True Self, During Adversity

Someone shared an interesting thought with me today.

This person said that we all think we know who we are, but that our true self really comes out during times of adversity. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. When we are happy, we give to charity, we are kind to others, and we forgive easier. When we go through difficulties, we have an opportunity to learn who we really are- whether we are inherently good people or not, and what our personal challenges and vices really are. We learn if we are capable of rising above, and these moments can also teach us how to understand others when they go through hardships, as we have all, at some level or another, experienced hardships of our own.

So that makes me wonder. I have learned a hell of a lot about myself over the past few years. Most of the things I can honestly say I am really proud of. I learned that I'm tougher than I think, that I can survive more than I ever thought, and that I am not a bad person. I also learned that no matter how hard life gets, it does get easier.

On the flip side, I've also learned that even good people can sometimes make mistakes, say things and do things that they may not normally do. Some of them we regret, and some of them we don't. Some we make right, and some we leave as wrong. While I can honestly say that I am not a bad person, I have also learned that I am far from perfect. I've spent the past 5 years rebuilding my life, and in the process, I have made some mistakes as well. I can be kind enough to myself not to punish myself for my mistakes, but at the same time, I've also learned that nobody gets a free ticket. We are all, after all, accountable for our actions.

So, as I continue to rebuild my life, one of the thoughts I will keep in mind the next time I face difficulty is that who I am, and who I become, is directly related to how I conduct myself during those difficult times. this makes them opportunities- to change, to better myself, and truly create the person I want to be. The best thing to keep in mind- nobody should get a free ticket. And there is karma. Mistakes are OK if we learn from them, but we do at the end of the day, all reap the rewards of our own efforts- both the good ones, and the bad ones.

Discovering the Library

I've just discovered the library!

In the day and age of all that is internet, I have avoided the library. It just seemed easier to buy books online and have them delivered to my door. No back and forth, no missed due dates, no fuss. Yes, it costs more money, but I figured that as a single mom, life was just one step easier this way. My pocketbook has recently started speaking differently.

Tonight, my son asked for another book in the series he is reading. I've bought 6 so far at $12 bucks a piece. I know there are 6 more to go, and I frankly was not looking forward to the added expense. Just as I was explaining why I couldn't buy another one just yet (while driving home after work tonight), I looked up and saw right there in front of me, the Library.

I have NEVER taken my children to the library. Today was our first time, and it was a random unplanned visit, just to save $12 and get my child off my back for a few more days.

Can I just say that I am IN LOVE with the Library?

The books cost nothing (yes I knew that), and the Library is 5 minutes from my home (I didn't know that). My kids can keep books for 3 weeks (I thought it would be one week) and the Library card costs nothing to setup (I didn't know that either).

I'm not trying to show everyone how ignorant I am, or how little I know, but wow. I grew up going to the Library (Immigrant parents don't like spending money unnecessarily on books they can read for free). I need to learn more from my immigrant parents. They were onto something!

So I am $12 richer today. And I am officially a Library lover.

Hooray for free reading!

Happy Eid 2009

So Ramadan has come and gone and Eid came and went on the weekend. I find it amazing how fast time flies.

During the course of Ramadan, I learned a few things:

1. I learned how difficult a fast becomes when you tag just a few more hours of daylight into the day (the Islamic calendar is shorter than our calendar, so Ramadan moves by almost 2 weeks every year. As it inches closer and closer to the peak of summer, the fasts are becoming increasingly harder).
2. I learned that we, as humans tend to be ungrateful. I learned this from my experience complaining about being a single mom, only to learn that others have it much harder than I do. I blogged about this experience in my last post.
3. I learned that we as humans make many mistakes in life (even the best of us), and that at some point, we have to make our wrongs right again. As long as we know when we are wrong, we are still headed in the right direction. Life is a long learning process, and the journey is not an easy one.
4. I learned that I have the best of friends. Friends that will stay by your side, even when you make mistakes.
5. I learned that a bout of bronchitis can throw off an entire week.
6. I learned that when you self medicate and try to treat everything as allergies, it doesn't work. Tip of the month- Claritin will not make you feel better if you have bronchitis. Antibiotics, on the other hand, are your best friend in this scenario.
7. I learned that when you pray really hard for something, sometimes it does come true.
8. I learned that fears can be paralyzing.
9. I learned that when you eat a cheeseburger after 14 hours of fasting, you will feel sick.
10. I learned that the thoughts in my head sometimes don't make any sense at all when I start typing.

But thanks for listening anyways. You all fall under item #4...

Kids in the Front Seat of the Car

Never debate with a child.

About 2 months ago, my son and I had a little disagreement. He claimed that his friends are allowed to sit in the front seat of the car. I told him that it was impossible, because according to the law, you had to be 13. (I know I heard this somewhere). He insisted that many of his friends did it, so they can't all be wrong. I told him the law was the law, and that I was not willing to break it.

Then he came up with a genius idea. "Why don't we drive to the police station and ask them?" This worked for me. After all, what better solution than having an officer tell him that this is indeed the law?

So, we get to the police station, I ask the officer the question, and he responds (to my son's complete joy) that there is no such law, that it is the discretion of the parent, and that in fact there have been no cases in Canada of children dying in accidents as a result of being in the front seat.

I was horrified. I even jokingly commented "You had to say that in front of the kid, didn't you?"... He gave me a sympathetic smile, and I was on my way.

The parenting rule that I learned from this is that you should not open a debate or let it go further than you are willing to go. In the event that you lose, you cannot back out and say "Because I said so". "Because I said so" only works up front. Not AFTER you go to the police station.

My son has been joyfully sitting in the front seat for the past two months. I have lost control of my radio, my ability to have some quiet me time, and most of all, I have a slightly bruised ego.

I guess mothers aren't always right....

Gratitude

God has a funny way of showing you things when you least expect it.

I got an email from my girlfriend. She wrote to me requesting some help for a family that she recently learned about. She was asking me if I might be able to help as I have a son, and maybe therefore some hand me downs that I can share with another single mom.

The single mom is blind, and has a 2 and a half year old son. Her husband left her after coming to the country and getting his Canadian Immigration. All they need is clothes for her 2.5 yr old little boy. The "ask" was for even a couple of old outfits of my son's that I can donate to this family.

I find this amazing. Just this morning, I was talking to a friend about how difficult my situation is being a working single mom with two kids, and the same day, I get shown a situation where somebody is blind, a single mom, with no money, no chance at a job, and no future. My situation would be like heaven to her. It's amazing how God shows us things when we least expect it.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share my thought of the day. What a learning. Wow. I feel like I need to be more grateful. And I feel ashamed for even complaining for one second.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Sending Elderly to a Nursing Home

My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Old age is catching up to him. He is 97 years old, and has lived a very full life. He is generally in good health. He has all his senses, he comprehends everything, and his bodily functions are all there. He was first taken to the hospital a few weeks back because of severe stomach cramps. Turns out, he has some kidney problems. His kidneys function fine, but he needs a catheter to get the urine out. He has blood clots in his body that put him at risk of a stroke. We have been told that he cannot go home, as it will increase his risks. We have been told to put him in a long term care facility. To the average person, this sounds like no big deal. For a Pakistani man, this is unheard of.

My dad is having a tough time coming to terms with this. Culturally speaking, Pakistanis follow an extended family care system. Mothers stay home to raise children, or they depend on extended family to help if they need to work full time. Parents live with their children and are cared for by them when they get older. That is the deal. Sending parents to a home is a slap in the face. It is like saying "You are too much trouble for us to care for you". It means you aren't wanted anymore. It means you are a burden.

So when the hospital tells my dad that taking his father home is out of the question due to stroke risks, he is in a real predicament. How does he help the transition to a nursing home for a man who doesn't believe in nursing homes? All my life I heard my grandfather talk about the cultural differences between the east and the west. The one he always brought up was the west's inability to repay their parents for raising them, by caring for them in their old age. And I find it ironic that of all the people in the world to have to go to a home, it ends up being my grandfather, the one person who hated this concept more than anyone else in the world.

My dad told him what the doctors said. He does not seem happy. I told my dad he should have been smarter about it. Maybe he should have told my grandfather that he was going to a rehab center to get better. It's all in the positioning.

And then there is another issue. Because there has not been a large demand for nursing homes by the south Asian community, there are very few that have south Asian residents. So that means food that grandpa won't eat (pot roast? Are you kidding me? Where is the curry chicken?). It also means no halal meat, which is a deal breaker for him.

So my dad has to find a home that allows us to bring our own food on a daily basis. Not an easy task at all.

I suspect that as more people face the issue of aging parents who need extended care, we will have more options available to us. In the meantime, our family continues the search.

It's been a long time since my last post...

Life has been crazy busy.

• My back is a mess after the car accident...doctor says that there will be some residual damage that we can't fix. That was really depressing news.
• Ramadan started just over a week ago. The days are long, and so are the fasts. While I love the holy month, I find it a bit tougher this year.
  
• My grandfather is in the hospital...he's been there for weeks. Old age is catching up to him.
  
• Kids go back to school next week, so this week is a bit hairy.

I'll blog more regularly moving forward...

My Car is Cursed

For sure. I had a car accident yesterday. Again, this was a "not at fault" accident, meaning the other guy was charged. But still. I think I'm getting superstitious. I mean, I'm a good driver and ever since I've had this car, I have not been lucky on the road. It feels like every speed demon in the world is targeting my car.

On a not-so- complaining note, I do have to be grateful that the kids were not in the car at the time. That my friends, is the silver lining.

Here is what happened.

I was driving to work, had just dropped the kids off. It was just after 9am. I got to the intersection and slowed down to stop at an amber light. It was a red light intersection and I did not want to start the day off with a ticket. So I slowed down and stopped before it turned red. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the car behind me coming straight at me, in full speed. I watched in horror is he plowed into my car. He my car flew into the intersection. Fortunately, the oncoming traffic hadn't started yet, so I quickly reversed my car back, and he got out of his car. He was very apologetic. He said he thought I would try to go through the amber light, and so he thought he would do the same, and that he didn't think I would try to stop. I explained that it is a red light intersection and therefore a bad idea to run the light.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he got charged, and I got injured. I mean, he was going 80km/hr full speed and didn't slow down. My bumper/trunk is all smashed up and I have a rental. My back is brutal (I have a bad back to begin with), and I am in excruciating pain. Pain killers and anti-infammatories are my best friend at the moment. I didn't go to the office yesterday or today, and I don't have any intentions of going in tomorrow.

I hope they write off the car. Maybe a new one will bring me better luck. This one seems to be a magnet for road rage drivers.

To add insult to injury, I'm wondering if by hitting my car and sending it into the intersection, will that red light camera now send me a ticket? I was stopped until he smashed me and pushed me into the intersection. Wouldn't that be a joke?

A Gift From a Friend

My friend Syd loved gardening. He loved flowers. He was one of those guys that wasn't shy about it either. I remember when I first moved into my home, I told him that the lady had just planted a rose bush, but that it only gave about 4 roses. He told me how to trim the rosebush. He explained that roses can be tough. But I never bothered doing it. I tried in year one and didn't like the prickly thorns. He laughed and explained that I needed leather gloves. I complained that it wasn't worth it. The next 2 years that followed, I got someone else to trim the rosebush. I got 7 roses each year.

This year, I decided to go out and buy leather gloves and give it a go myself. I trimmed them exactly as he explained. To my shock, about 3 or 4 weeks later, I got bunches and bunches of roses. It was like a gift from my friend.

Every time I came home and saw the roses this summer, I had to smile. They reminded me of him. He always said "All you need to do is give them a little patience, and a little love. Roses are tough, but not impossible".

From now on, I do my own rosebushes. Thank you, my friend.

Maybe a New Monday Tradition?

Last week on Monday, I decided to do something different for the summer. I decided that once a week, when I go to pick up the children from daycare in the summer, I would pick up some food, and head to a park for a picnic. Monday last week was our first outing. I picked up the kids, picked up some drive thru, and we went to the lakeshore. I had a blanket in the trunk, we spread it out over the sand and ate dinner right by the water. After dinner, I sat and watched the children skip stones in the lake. I realized that this is what summer is about.

I managed to snap this pic and just had to post it. What a beautiful evening. I intend to stick to the plan and do this at least once a week. No matter how stressful life can be, there is no feeling better than kicking off the heels, taking off the pantyhose, throwing on a pair of flipflops and sitting by the water with your children after a long day.

Now THAT was priceless.

Happy Canada Day 2009!

Hope everyone had a great day...

I wanted so badly to take my children to see the fireworks at the city hall. I got there, got a parking spot, and waited 20 mins. Then the kids started falling asleep, and getting cranky, saying they were tired and wanted to go home.

So I ended up getting in the car, turning around and coming home before they even started.

Sigh.

Next Canada Day, I'm sending them to their dad's so I can go and watch the fireworks myself.

Boxing and Bellydancing

I know...freaky huh? So my level 2 belly dancing classes start on July 8th. I am totally looking forward to them. Nothing makes you feel prettier or sexier than a few of those lessons. Even if you don't know what you're doing.

In the meantime, to keep myself busy, I decided to try out 5 boxing lessons. Not kickboxing, not cardio-boxing. I'm talking one-on-one boxing lessons with a personal trainer. Gloves, pulling punches, and getting all my frustrations out.

I have to say, it's been a blast.

I must be the first ever gal to take the two together in the same time frame.

It's my schizophrenic side taking over :)

I had to Share this...

I don't know why I liked it so much. I just did...maybe it's because in our own way, we all can relate to it...and then again, it's inspiring as well...

The Fat Mirror

I had a really funny episode in belly dancing class today. I came in a few minutes late, and so I had to stand in a different part of the room than usual. Watching myself dance in the mirror, I kept thinking "wow, I am gaining weight". Then, when it was time to dance in a circle, I kept looking at my reflection. As I moved to the other side of the room, my reflection looked better. And then I danced my way back to the original side, and it looked bad again. I realized that the reflections were different. Here is where we get a typical Shaz moment...

I stop dancing. I point at the mirror. I shout out- "Hey, that is an EVIL FAT mirror! the reflection is different!" The music stops. The teacher looks at me. I explain that the mirror is giving a fat image. All the girls are laughing. They move to the mirror and back to the other mirror. They agree. The instructor is looking at me like I'm nuts.

Sorry, but I am a hyper self-conscious person. The last thing I need is to be standing in front of the fat mirror as I belly dance. I take a skinny girl and tell her to stand in front of the fat mirror while I take her spot. All the while, the instructor is speechless, and the girls are in stitches laughing.

It turned out funny. God I love my belly dancing class. The fun never ends. It's the one time where I can be myself, laugh at myself, and feel sexy, at least for one hour.

Even if there is a fat mirror in the room...

Working with the Ex

I have to say, things feel like they have calmed down since the court case ended. Maybe it's because neither of us is working to build a case against the other. Maybe it's because we are both tired of all the fighting. Or maybe, it's the calm before yet another storm. Either way, it's a good thing for now and I'm not going to worry about it or over-think it beyond that.

Today I got a call from my son's school. It turns out he left his lunchbox on the kitchen counter. The school called me at 10:30am, saying that he didn't have a lunch. I was downtown, at work, an hour and a half away. So I called my ex. He packed a new lunch and took it to my son. No complaints. It felt good to work together.

Two weeks ago, my son was sick. The school called me at work. I called my ex. He went and picked up our son and took him home, and put him to bed. That was good also. The kids are both saying that their dad has been really great lately. My ex is giving me proof of attendance at a psychiatrist. Either way, I am grateful that he is doing better, that we are being more civil, and that the kids are doing better.

I don't know how long it will last, but I will just thank the universe for what I have been given, for as long as it lasts.

Loving the Bellydancing Classes

Today was my 10th class. I am having the best time ever. Just remember....I am the girl with NO rhythm. I can't move my body if you paid me to. For me to take a class like this is totally insane...yet at the same time, I am learning. It's taking awhile, but I am definitely learning, and having so much fun.

I've decided to sign up for level 2. My instructor says most people usually need to take level 1 twice before moving to the next level, but she told me to go ahead and move to level 2. I am so excited. So basically, this will take me right to the end of August. What fun!

You know, if you have low self confidence, there is nothing that can make you feel more attractive than an exotic dance class. It helps that it's all girls (no fear of judgment), and that the windows are blocked off so people can't watch the class from the outside. That way, nobody can watch you make a fool of yourself.

I don't know that I would ever be confident enough to belly dance in front of anyone other than my class mates (like even my girlfriends), but at least I have one place where I can have fun without being self conscious.

I wish I had a belly dancing class every night...

Mom, do you love me?

My daughter just passed me a note. It said "mom do you love me?" I said "yes honey, I love you very much". She smiled and passed me the other note from behind her back. It said "I love you too".

I smiled. And I said, you already knew my answer, but you still asked the question? To which she replied, "I know you love me. I love you too. I just like to hear it again".

I am blessed. Such a small moment but such a warm feeling.