I found this article interesting. I mean, I've definitely heard of people making life choices or life changes, like quitting their corporate jobs to be at home moms, or like leaving the corporate world to become your own boss, even if it means a pay cut. I've heard of people working flex hours to manage crazy schedules. I even fall into this category. But I haven't heard a lot about people deliberately moving DOWN the corporate ladder by choice.
I shouldn't be totally shocked. I mean, when I sat in that hospital bed almost 3 years ago, I actually wondered what had made me so stressed out that I had ended up there. I wondered if it was my job at the time, not because I didn't enjoy it, but because one individual in particular had made my life such hell that I couldn't even admit to people that I was in the hospital. That's a whole other story in itself, but I did conclude that the two things stressing me out were my marriage, and this individual. Fortunately, she left, and life at work went on happily. As for the marriage, well, you know how that decision went.
But what if I had concluded that my job was too stressful? I wonder if I would be the type to willingly take a pay cut and move down into a less demanding job. I'm thinking not. I think my ego wouldn't allow it, but hats off to anyone who can be gloriously self loving enough to do something like that for their own well being.
I'm inclined to be critical and say that I'm not that good to myself, but then again, just to pat my own back, I did stay in my current role longer than I normally would have for 3 reasons, and NONE of them were career advancement. Those 3 reasons were my awesome boss, my awesome colleagues, and lifestyle (specifically, the flexible work environment which has definitely been a Godsend, especially while going through the divorce, and especially as a single mom).
But now, with my boss gone, and with the upcoming re-org at the office (meaning potentially not having the same colleagues and a new boss to boot), the very things that I currently enjoy will likely disappear. I suppose all good things do eventually come to an end, but I will need to figure out what that means for me, and what I should do as a result. I truly don't see any of them remaining in tact at this point in time. Possibly the flexible schedule, but that appears to be a long shot.
Don't get too excited. That doesn't mean I would be willing to climb down the corporate ladder or anything like that. Like I said, I don't think it's for me. I'm a bit too competitive, my ego is a bit too big, and yeah, I need the financial resources to stay in tact, so a pay cut wouldn't be in the cards for me. I would just need to find something that fits my lifestyle needs enough that my children won't be impacted. Here's to hoping...
On that note, maybe I should have gone into teaching or something, instead of going the corporate route. I know- my teacher friends are reading and getting ticked- but seriously- out at 4pm and summers off? Come on! Yes I know you work at night...but HELLO so do I!!! My sis is in teachers college. She is SO on the right track. I'm envying her right now. Then again, having to deal with a bunch of kids all day and then coming home to my own would probably NOT be the best choice for me. Corporate world it is.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
The Ex's New Look
I got a call from a friend today who wanted to know if I've seen my ex's latest "look". The answer is yes I have. He was apparently much more amused by the look than I was. He thought the 'Jason Priestly' sideburns that have been busting out are way too funny. I think it's good for my ex. It's funny because all the while I was thinking to myself...well, I look different now too. I've been looking after myself more as well. Oddly enough, we've both moved in the same direction. He's shed some of the traditional Muslim look as have I. My friend was kind enough to say it's not the same thing...but I disagree. I think it's very much the same.
I guess that's what happens when you get divorced...you change some things about yourself, or you become more conscious of how you look and feel. I don't think it's a conscious effort to attract anyone or anything like that. (OK- well, pot shot, but in his case I think it's definitely a conscious effort to attract others), but for me, it was more about wanting to look good and feel good because I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I would be better off without him. Looking and feeling better is the first step to genuinely being better off I suppose. But for him, it's all about attracting women, and he even said it to me, which I found very amusing.
His recent changes (all of which are good in my opinion) are:
OK...Let's be fair. I've made my fair share of changes too, none of which were major, except for losing the scarf. My friends would say that I'm going to hell, but that's debatable. I do enjoy having my hair back, and it makes a gigantic difference on appearance, as well as having a major impact on how I relate with the world around me.
Anyhow, it's all just food for thought. We all have different reasons for making the changes that we make. Some are better than others, but if the net result is positive, I say go for it.
I'm sure my friend will have a thing or two to add...Go ahead honey...take a pot shot.
I guess that's what happens when you get divorced...you change some things about yourself, or you become more conscious of how you look and feel. I don't think it's a conscious effort to attract anyone or anything like that. (OK- well, pot shot, but in his case I think it's definitely a conscious effort to attract others), but for me, it was more about wanting to look good and feel good because I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I would be better off without him. Looking and feeling better is the first step to genuinely being better off I suppose. But for him, it's all about attracting women, and he even said it to me, which I found very amusing.
His recent changes (all of which are good in my opinion) are:
- lost weight (at least 20 lbs)
- more muscular and active, involved in sports
- shaved off the beard. This is a huge deal if you're from the Muslim community, but hey, I took off the scarf, so who the heck am I to talk? Apparently I'm destined for hell for my decision, so apparently, my former hubby and I will end up in the same place. How ironic is that? Life sucks doesn't it?
- grew in the Jason Priestly sideburns. OK- they look OK on him, but I did laugh the first time I saw them. I asked him what the heck he was doing, and he said his hairdresser told him to do it cuz the "chicks dig it". Um, maybe they did in 1980...but whatever suits your fancy buddy...
- new clothes, paying more attention to what he wears...trying to lose the slob look
OK...Let's be fair. I've made my fair share of changes too, none of which were major, except for losing the scarf. My friends would say that I'm going to hell, but that's debatable. I do enjoy having my hair back, and it makes a gigantic difference on appearance, as well as having a major impact on how I relate with the world around me.
Anyhow, it's all just food for thought. We all have different reasons for making the changes that we make. Some are better than others, but if the net result is positive, I say go for it.
I'm sure my friend will have a thing or two to add...Go ahead honey...take a pot shot.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
A Weekend Away
I went to NYC to visit a friend this weekend. I had a nice time there. I was really hoping to see the tree lit up at the Rockefeller Centre, but they won't be lighting it until Wed :(
My luck. Otherwise, it was really beautiful in Manhattan. Christmas has a very different feel there than it does in Toronto. It's just more- festive and Christmas-sy I guess. That coming from the Muslim girl - tee hee. Hey- what can I say- I love the season...it's all so beautiful.
I really wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre, but the line was too long. We opted to have dinner in the restaurant overlooking the ice rink. As we were dining, we saw one guy propose to his girlfriend. It's really funny- they have this complete engagement package for anyone who wants to propose. So you pay $200, you get to bypass the line up, you get exclusive time on the ice with your date, and you get to propose in front of everyone.
I think it's cheesy. I would hate it if someone did something so un-original and brutally public for such an intimate and special moment. I guess it's cute if you're really young, like early 20's, but it's really cheesy if you're older than that.
My luck. Otherwise, it was really beautiful in Manhattan. Christmas has a very different feel there than it does in Toronto. It's just more- festive and Christmas-sy I guess. That coming from the Muslim girl - tee hee. Hey- what can I say- I love the season...it's all so beautiful.
I really wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre, but the line was too long. We opted to have dinner in the restaurant overlooking the ice rink. As we were dining, we saw one guy propose to his girlfriend. It's really funny- they have this complete engagement package for anyone who wants to propose. So you pay $200, you get to bypass the line up, you get exclusive time on the ice with your date, and you get to propose in front of everyone.
I think it's cheesy. I would hate it if someone did something so un-original and brutally public for such an intimate and special moment. I guess it's cute if you're really young, like early 20's, but it's really cheesy if you're older than that.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Chat with my Former Boss
It sounds so weird to call him that. I think in my mind he will always be my boss. 8 years is a very long working relationship. I spoke to him on Saturday night (well, technically Sunday morning- today). I was online and sent him an email at 12:30am (today) and he replied and asked if I was available to talk on the phone. I said I would love to. I haven't spoken to him even once since all this happened. It was nice to speak to him.
We didn't discuss any particulars around his departure from the company. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to ask any questions. We just sort of talked. He said he was doing fine, and that he really misses everyone, and asked me to send his best to everyone. He said he would be in touch with us soon and that we could all meet later on. He asked alot about how I am doing on a personal front. He knew that just a few weeks ago my ex was really driving me crazy and he wanted to know how the stalking situation was going. I told him that it's settling down, and he seemed relieved to hear it. And that my friends is why I miss him so much- a boss who genuinely cares about your well being. Now imagine that!
All in all, I would say that this conversation was good for me. It gave me a sense of ease to talk to him, and to know that he will be ok. I feel so much better now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to see him leave, but I don't feel this big open unresolved thing. It's sort of closure on his departure, but not closure on the friendship of course. That should hopefully stay alive for years to come.
But like I said, I feel alot better now.
We didn't discuss any particulars around his departure from the company. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to ask any questions. We just sort of talked. He said he was doing fine, and that he really misses everyone, and asked me to send his best to everyone. He said he would be in touch with us soon and that we could all meet later on. He asked alot about how I am doing on a personal front. He knew that just a few weeks ago my ex was really driving me crazy and he wanted to know how the stalking situation was going. I told him that it's settling down, and he seemed relieved to hear it. And that my friends is why I miss him so much- a boss who genuinely cares about your well being. Now imagine that!
All in all, I would say that this conversation was good for me. It gave me a sense of ease to talk to him, and to know that he will be ok. I feel so much better now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to see him leave, but I don't feel this big open unresolved thing. It's sort of closure on his departure, but not closure on the friendship of course. That should hopefully stay alive for years to come.
But like I said, I feel alot better now.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Squishy Tummies
I can't believe I'm about to post this, but...
My daughter this morning woke up and then placed her head on my tummy and went back to sleep. An hour later we both woke up, and she smiled at me and said "Mommy- do you know one thing that all mommies have that's the same?"
"No baby, what is it?"
"Squishy tummies"
"What? What do you mean?"
"God gave all mommies squishy tummies so their children can lie on them and feel comfy and go to sleep. That's why ladies with no babies don't have squishy tummies. I LOVE squishy tummies".
Damn! And I thought kids didn't notice that stuff. I thought they thought I was perfect. I guess explaining that the tummy is squishy cuz she came out of there isn't going to be a fair enough explanation. :(
Time to go back to the gym. :(
My daughter this morning woke up and then placed her head on my tummy and went back to sleep. An hour later we both woke up, and she smiled at me and said "Mommy- do you know one thing that all mommies have that's the same?"
"No baby, what is it?"
"Squishy tummies"
"What? What do you mean?"
"God gave all mommies squishy tummies so their children can lie on them and feel comfy and go to sleep. That's why ladies with no babies don't have squishy tummies. I LOVE squishy tummies".
Damn! And I thought kids didn't notice that stuff. I thought they thought I was perfect. I guess explaining that the tummy is squishy cuz she came out of there isn't going to be a fair enough explanation. :(
Time to go back to the gym. :(
Friday, November 17, 2006
Bad, Bad Mother!
Do you ever have one of those mornings where you know you look bad, and you just don't know how it happened? If someone had one of those secret spy cameras watching me this morning, they would think I'm some horrid mother. No, I wasn't yelling or anything. It's just the small things that were forgotten.
Like- I normally pack my son's lunch the night before. Last night, I didn't, since today is Friday, and I expected to have lots of extra time in the morning. Well, I ran out of time, and forgot that lunch wasn't packed. I ran frantically throwing something together. Then my son reminded me that I forgot to fill out a book order form. We did that quickly. I wrote out a check, selected some books, and threw that into the backpack. Got the kids out the door (barely) and got my son to school (sort of) on time. I say "sort of" because we were 5 minutes late. This is a big deal to me, because I'm never late for school. NEVER. No way. But, I did have some satisfaction from the extra long line of cars trying to drop their kids off, late as well. The rain saved me. My son wouldn't look late, and I wouldn't look like a freak, because the rain had slowed everyone down. Everyone was 5 minutes late, if not more. Thank God for rain. I didn't want to have to sign a late slip.
My daughter insisted that she wanted cheesies this morning. I was adamant that cheesies are not breakfast food. "Eat your cereal please". I was happy to see that she complied, without any further complaining. Little did I know that the Halloween bag had been busted open, and that she had put a bag of cheesies in her coat pocket. Oh yeah. My girl was eating cheesies in the backseat of the car while I was driving. I didn't realize it until we got to school. I took her out of the car, and she said "Mommy- I need to wash my hands. I have cheesies all over them!" Of course, there was another parent nearby, within earshot. And, he was happy to say "Cheesies? That's not breakfast food!" I could feel the sense of judgement and I hated it.
That's right. Great. Why don't you just bite me? Better yet, call the Children's Aid or something. Do you really think I would deliberately feed a 5 year old cheesies for breakfast? And why do you think you have the right to talk so condescendingly Mr. I-think-I'm-a-perfect-father? Please. Mind your own business.
Of course, I didn't say any of this to him. I just smiled and said "Gosh. Don't you hate all those Halloween candies? Kids keep them everywhere! Even in the car! Thank God she had her cereal this morning!"
I think I would have gotten away with it if he didn't see my sipping Diet Pepsi when I got back to the car after dropping her off. Busted. Now I do look like a bad mom. After all, who is going to believe that a mother who drinks Diet Pepsi for breakfast wouldn't let her child eat cheesies for breakfast?
Sigh. OK- Well- it's not like I let HER drink Diet Pepsi in the morning. And the cheesies were eaten without my knowledge. That IS the point, isn't it?
Condescending jerk.
Like- I normally pack my son's lunch the night before. Last night, I didn't, since today is Friday, and I expected to have lots of extra time in the morning. Well, I ran out of time, and forgot that lunch wasn't packed. I ran frantically throwing something together. Then my son reminded me that I forgot to fill out a book order form. We did that quickly. I wrote out a check, selected some books, and threw that into the backpack. Got the kids out the door (barely) and got my son to school (sort of) on time. I say "sort of" because we were 5 minutes late. This is a big deal to me, because I'm never late for school. NEVER. No way. But, I did have some satisfaction from the extra long line of cars trying to drop their kids off, late as well. The rain saved me. My son wouldn't look late, and I wouldn't look like a freak, because the rain had slowed everyone down. Everyone was 5 minutes late, if not more. Thank God for rain. I didn't want to have to sign a late slip.
My daughter insisted that she wanted cheesies this morning. I was adamant that cheesies are not breakfast food. "Eat your cereal please". I was happy to see that she complied, without any further complaining. Little did I know that the Halloween bag had been busted open, and that she had put a bag of cheesies in her coat pocket. Oh yeah. My girl was eating cheesies in the backseat of the car while I was driving. I didn't realize it until we got to school. I took her out of the car, and she said "Mommy- I need to wash my hands. I have cheesies all over them!" Of course, there was another parent nearby, within earshot. And, he was happy to say "Cheesies? That's not breakfast food!" I could feel the sense of judgement and I hated it.
That's right. Great. Why don't you just bite me? Better yet, call the Children's Aid or something. Do you really think I would deliberately feed a 5 year old cheesies for breakfast? And why do you think you have the right to talk so condescendingly Mr. I-think-I'm-a-perfect-father? Please. Mind your own business.
Of course, I didn't say any of this to him. I just smiled and said "Gosh. Don't you hate all those Halloween candies? Kids keep them everywhere! Even in the car! Thank God she had her cereal this morning!"
I think I would have gotten away with it if he didn't see my sipping Diet Pepsi when I got back to the car after dropping her off. Busted. Now I do look like a bad mom. After all, who is going to believe that a mother who drinks Diet Pepsi for breakfast wouldn't let her child eat cheesies for breakfast?
Sigh. OK- Well- it's not like I let HER drink Diet Pepsi in the morning. And the cheesies were eaten without my knowledge. That IS the point, isn't it?
Condescending jerk.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Plugging Away
Well- I've been to the office for two days this week. It's a really weird time for my group, so we're just plugging away. There's a re-org happening so I find that things are a bit tense overall. Not knowing who you will be working for, or what you will be doing is never an easy thing. Losing our leader at this time didn't help any of us, but like I said, just plugging away, one day at a time. SIGH.
My nephew is doing well. Growing fast. Cute as can be. Well, cute as an infant can be. I find that all babies are adorable, but they all look like little monkeys or aliens. Mine were no exception. But this one is an exceptionally good baby. He sleeps through anything- diaper change, bath, etc. That is VERY weird. He must be lazy like my brother :) Kidding. I've been going over to visit as many times as I can. I don't want to miss a moment of seeing him grow. Did I mention he's hairy like my brother? :P
My nephew is doing well. Growing fast. Cute as can be. Well, cute as an infant can be. I find that all babies are adorable, but they all look like little monkeys or aliens. Mine were no exception. But this one is an exceptionally good baby. He sleeps through anything- diaper change, bath, etc. That is VERY weird. He must be lazy like my brother :) Kidding. I've been going over to visit as many times as I can. I don't want to miss a moment of seeing him grow. Did I mention he's hairy like my brother? :P
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Still Feeling Crappy
I still can't shake this crappy feeling. I'm trying to keep busy but it's not working. This thing with my boss seems to have thrown off my entire life. I mean, I knew that the day would come where we wouldn't work together anymore, but I just always assumed that it would be whenever I reached a point where I was really to move to a new role, and that we would move in different directions on pseudo happy terms. I never thought he would just be thrown out of the picture like this, without explanation. I don't like it one bit. I need to make sure that everything is OK for him. I owe him big time for everything he's done for me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be where I am professionally, or personally. What an awesome mentor he was.
I feel crappy and a bit useless. I have to go to the office and act like it's business as usual and it's not. How can I look at my team and act like everything is OK when it is so screwed up beyond description? It's insane. I'm supposed to act like this is just part of life. It's not. It shouldn't be. I'm so ticked off. And yes, now I'm officially bitter. Very bitter. The people around me act like I'm being a bit too dramatic, that this happens all the time, and that after all my corporate experience, this shouldn't hit me so hard. Well it does. I guess I'm not as tough as everyone thought I was. Something in me broke this week. Something that kept me going. I had faith that good people would always be protected. I thought wrong.
I've just realized how brutal the corporate world really is. I'm wondering what made me think I actually enjoyed it? The corporate world is nothing less than a shark pit. Right now, I feel like a goldfish swimming with a bunch of sharks. They should just eat me and get it overwith.
I feel crappy and a bit useless. I have to go to the office and act like it's business as usual and it's not. How can I look at my team and act like everything is OK when it is so screwed up beyond description? It's insane. I'm supposed to act like this is just part of life. It's not. It shouldn't be. I'm so ticked off. And yes, now I'm officially bitter. Very bitter. The people around me act like I'm being a bit too dramatic, that this happens all the time, and that after all my corporate experience, this shouldn't hit me so hard. Well it does. I guess I'm not as tough as everyone thought I was. Something in me broke this week. Something that kept me going. I had faith that good people would always be protected. I thought wrong.
I've just realized how brutal the corporate world really is. I'm wondering what made me think I actually enjoyed it? The corporate world is nothing less than a shark pit. Right now, I feel like a goldfish swimming with a bunch of sharks. They should just eat me and get it overwith.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Numb
Ever have a REALLY crappy day, where you feel like you can't even think straight? I'm having a day where I wish it would just go away. I'm hoping I'll wake up and it will be gone, but I know that won't happen. I feel like someone died today.
Some stuff happened at the office. To sum it up, I was advised that my boss will no longer be with the company. That was a really hard hit for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I've only had a few strong pillars around me in the past few years. I could count them on one hand. He was definitely one of them. I've worked with him for 8 years, and I can definitely say that I owe him a great deal, professionally and personally. This is a HUGE loss for me, and I feel a bit out of balance without him there. It would have been different if he had just moved groups within the company, but this just all feels like a bad dream.
I need a few days to get myself balanced again. I'm really worried about him. I mean, I know he will be fine. People like him always are...but still...it's all really hard to explain. He was my friend and my mentor, and that is rare to find in the corporate world.
On that note, the corporate world is a sick, sick, place. I cannot believe how people expect things to be "business as usual" after something like this. Guess what people? It ISN'T business as usual. And it won't be. Not for awhile. The amount of shallow, fickle, phone calls I got today made me want to throw up. Take a hike people. Find someone else to gossip about. And by the way, I don't like any of you anymore.
And then there is the good news. A loss and a gift all in one day (isn't my life always so...drama)? My brother and his wife had their baby boy. 9lbs 2 ounces. That is just HUGE. I'm an aunt for the first time. I went to the hospital to see them. The baby is beautiful. They are happy, he is cute, and it felt good to hold him in my arms. It's just too bad this happened on a day when I wasn't so with it. I wish I were more focused to enjoy the moment.
Oh yeah, and mid day today, I had to leave the office early. I got a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, he scrunched up a piece of tinfoil and shoved it into his ear. What the heck is that all about? We had to take him to the doctors, and lo and behold, the doctor pulled out the tinfoil. FROM HIS EAR! It was like watching a bunny-rabbit-in-a-hat trick or something. What possesses a child to shove something in his ear? It's just insane.
Needless to say, today was just crazy. I'm numb, sad, happy, and just tired all at once. I just want life to be normal again. I want to go back to my life the way it was. The office was my only sense of security and stability for the past 2.5 years. Now I feel like I've lost that too. I'm not worried about myself or my job or anything like that. It's just that, I think it felt a bit like home in an odd way. Like the key people around me were my family. Now it just feels.....broken.
Wow- a broken home- I can't believe I said that. It's kind of creepy...and appropriate.
Some stuff happened at the office. To sum it up, I was advised that my boss will no longer be with the company. That was a really hard hit for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I've only had a few strong pillars around me in the past few years. I could count them on one hand. He was definitely one of them. I've worked with him for 8 years, and I can definitely say that I owe him a great deal, professionally and personally. This is a HUGE loss for me, and I feel a bit out of balance without him there. It would have been different if he had just moved groups within the company, but this just all feels like a bad dream.
I need a few days to get myself balanced again. I'm really worried about him. I mean, I know he will be fine. People like him always are...but still...it's all really hard to explain. He was my friend and my mentor, and that is rare to find in the corporate world.
On that note, the corporate world is a sick, sick, place. I cannot believe how people expect things to be "business as usual" after something like this. Guess what people? It ISN'T business as usual. And it won't be. Not for awhile. The amount of shallow, fickle, phone calls I got today made me want to throw up. Take a hike people. Find someone else to gossip about. And by the way, I don't like any of you anymore.
And then there is the good news. A loss and a gift all in one day (isn't my life always so...drama)? My brother and his wife had their baby boy. 9lbs 2 ounces. That is just HUGE. I'm an aunt for the first time. I went to the hospital to see them. The baby is beautiful. They are happy, he is cute, and it felt good to hold him in my arms. It's just too bad this happened on a day when I wasn't so with it. I wish I were more focused to enjoy the moment.
Oh yeah, and mid day today, I had to leave the office early. I got a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, he scrunched up a piece of tinfoil and shoved it into his ear. What the heck is that all about? We had to take him to the doctors, and lo and behold, the doctor pulled out the tinfoil. FROM HIS EAR! It was like watching a bunny-rabbit-in-a-hat trick or something. What possesses a child to shove something in his ear? It's just insane.
Needless to say, today was just crazy. I'm numb, sad, happy, and just tired all at once. I just want life to be normal again. I want to go back to my life the way it was. The office was my only sense of security and stability for the past 2.5 years. Now I feel like I've lost that too. I'm not worried about myself or my job or anything like that. It's just that, I think it felt a bit like home in an odd way. Like the key people around me were my family. Now it just feels.....broken.
Wow- a broken home- I can't believe I said that. It's kind of creepy...and appropriate.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Nude Beginnings?
Someone was trying to remember how to get to my blog. Their recollection was "Nude Beginnings"...OK- Where do I start?
- This is not some pornographic blog. Sorry guys. :)
- Um- Possibly, if you meant like a nude landscape and that the sky is the limit, then perhaps I could kind of see what you meant by imagining that I would call it nude beginnings....Nah who am I kidding, not at all
- It could have been her jokey way of commenting that my new life involves no hijaab- or the removal of my 6 year headscarf. But still, most of the world does not consider "hair" the same as "nudity", although.....if she meant it as a slap in the face, then perhaps yeah, that would work...Hey Shaz, you might as well be nude. Nah. I still don't buy it
- I could have started this blog with nude pictures of....hahaha I can't even get through that one without laughing
- I ran out of options. Either way, Nude Beginnings was my second choice. Don't feel so bad :)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Princess Party
I had a little birthday party for my daughter on Saturday. There were 10 children present, including my own. I call it little because last year, I had 20 kids and maybe 15 adults at a children's birthday hall. Last year was way too costly. This year, in the interest of keeping things simple, I had a smaller party at Woodie Woodchucks, which is similar to Chuck E Cheese's.
So 8 invitees including Mich's son and 7 of my daughter's school friends. It turned out OK. The girls had a nice time, and the main difference is that I didn't invite all my extended friends. Keeping it to school friends only wasn't such a bad idea actually. It eliminated a lot of the outside pressure. If I invite one friend, I have to invite all of them, and then it turns into another big affair. There is so much drama around the desi (Indo-Pak) community, it's unbelievable.
Anyhow, the weekend came and went. It was a busy one. I had the birthday party on Saturday, a get together at a friend's place on Saturday night and then some repair work around the house on Sunday, as well as my son's hockey game Sunday afternoon. The usual weekend stuff.
I'm trying to get my house in order. It's amazing what that cold/flu did to me. I was so knocked out. So now, I face 5 backlogged loads of laundry, dishes, cleanup, washrooms etc. My 15 mins a night can't even make a dent in it. Sigh, these are the days where I do feel the gap of a partner in the house. I can handle most day to day stuff, but when you get sick, you realize how alone you really are.
Either way, I'll catch up. I always do. :)
So 8 invitees including Mich's son and 7 of my daughter's school friends. It turned out OK. The girls had a nice time, and the main difference is that I didn't invite all my extended friends. Keeping it to school friends only wasn't such a bad idea actually. It eliminated a lot of the outside pressure. If I invite one friend, I have to invite all of them, and then it turns into another big affair. There is so much drama around the desi (Indo-Pak) community, it's unbelievable.
Anyhow, the weekend came and went. It was a busy one. I had the birthday party on Saturday, a get together at a friend's place on Saturday night and then some repair work around the house on Sunday, as well as my son's hockey game Sunday afternoon. The usual weekend stuff.
I'm trying to get my house in order. It's amazing what that cold/flu did to me. I was so knocked out. So now, I face 5 backlogged loads of laundry, dishes, cleanup, washrooms etc. My 15 mins a night can't even make a dent in it. Sigh, these are the days where I do feel the gap of a partner in the house. I can handle most day to day stuff, but when you get sick, you realize how alone you really are.
Either way, I'll catch up. I always do. :)
Friday, November 03, 2006
Accepting the Divorce
My son had a play date last night. Another child from his hockey team and Tae Kwan Do team wanted to come over. I picked up the children, brought them to my place, ordered pizza and let them play and watch a movie. They had a nice time. It made me happy to know my son was comfortable in his environment. We've had friends over with the children, but they are usually children of my friends. This is different. These are his friends, and I don't know the parents well at all. It's a big difference, trust me.
During the drive home, the little boy asked my son when his dad will get home. My son matter-of-factly responded that his dad doesn't live with us, because his parents are divorced. I was shocked, as I've never used the "divorce" word in front of the children. I've usually just said that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My son picked up the divorce word somewhere, perhaps from his father. I'm not sure.
Either way, he was very comfortable talking about it. His friend didn't seem too awkward either. He asked "Why are they divorced? If they are divorced, how come I see your dad at hockey?"
My son responded that he goes to hockey with his dad, that he sees his dad when it's not a school day. His friend seemed OK with that answer. I was really pretending not to listen. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of conversation. This was, after all, the closest I will ever come to truly understanding how my children are coping. Why mess that up?
Then my son went on to say that we have been divorced since he was three. I started counting on my fingers...hmmm... It's been two and a half years, he is almost 7, so actually, nope he was four. Close enough I guess. My daughter was only 2 at the time.
In essence, we separated while the children were still very young. As a result, this divorced state has just become the life they've always known. My daughter doesn't have a lot of memories from before the age of 2, so most of her memories involve the two homes, two lives. She has scattered happy memories of the entire family unit, and I think that's OK. We did, after all, have at least a few good times together. It doesn't hurt for her to remember them. At least she didn't have to see any of the bad stuff.
The other day my daughter brought home a "family" picture that she made at school. It was a picture of her, of me, and of her brother. No dad. I said, "wow honey, what's this?". She responded that it was a picture of our family. I thanked her for the picture and put it on the fridge. I always hated the fridges with piles of children's artwork. But this one was just too special not to put up. To me, it meant that she had accepted things. She said that she would paint a separate picture for daddy's home. I told her that it was a nice idea.
I'm not sure if this means they have accepted the divorce, or if it means that they are comfortable enough talking about it. Both are good scenarios. I shiver at the thought that one day they might potentially get fed up with everything and just rebel, but I would rather not think of all the potential issues life might throw at me. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I certainly do not need to take on any additional stress.
So for now, I'll allow these tiny conversations, and the tiny "family" drawings that my daughter brings home from school to give me some comfort. It is after all comfort and reassurance that gives us the strength to continue on.
During the drive home, the little boy asked my son when his dad will get home. My son matter-of-factly responded that his dad doesn't live with us, because his parents are divorced. I was shocked, as I've never used the "divorce" word in front of the children. I've usually just said that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My son picked up the divorce word somewhere, perhaps from his father. I'm not sure.
Either way, he was very comfortable talking about it. His friend didn't seem too awkward either. He asked "Why are they divorced? If they are divorced, how come I see your dad at hockey?"
My son responded that he goes to hockey with his dad, that he sees his dad when it's not a school day. His friend seemed OK with that answer. I was really pretending not to listen. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of conversation. This was, after all, the closest I will ever come to truly understanding how my children are coping. Why mess that up?
Then my son went on to say that we have been divorced since he was three. I started counting on my fingers...hmmm... It's been two and a half years, he is almost 7, so actually, nope he was four. Close enough I guess. My daughter was only 2 at the time.
In essence, we separated while the children were still very young. As a result, this divorced state has just become the life they've always known. My daughter doesn't have a lot of memories from before the age of 2, so most of her memories involve the two homes, two lives. She has scattered happy memories of the entire family unit, and I think that's OK. We did, after all, have at least a few good times together. It doesn't hurt for her to remember them. At least she didn't have to see any of the bad stuff.
The other day my daughter brought home a "family" picture that she made at school. It was a picture of her, of me, and of her brother. No dad. I said, "wow honey, what's this?". She responded that it was a picture of our family. I thanked her for the picture and put it on the fridge. I always hated the fridges with piles of children's artwork. But this one was just too special not to put up. To me, it meant that she had accepted things. She said that she would paint a separate picture for daddy's home. I told her that it was a nice idea.
I'm not sure if this means they have accepted the divorce, or if it means that they are comfortable enough talking about it. Both are good scenarios. I shiver at the thought that one day they might potentially get fed up with everything and just rebel, but I would rather not think of all the potential issues life might throw at me. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I certainly do not need to take on any additional stress.
So for now, I'll allow these tiny conversations, and the tiny "family" drawings that my daughter brings home from school to give me some comfort. It is after all comfort and reassurance that gives us the strength to continue on.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Mosque Donations?
Well, isn't this nice? I feel like I'm getting harassed from all angles. But this one, this is really low. So, I got a call tonight following up on a donation to a Mosque here in Mississauga. The weird thing is, I've only heard of this Mosque once in my life, from my ex, who mentioned that he was going there for a prayer one night. Other than that, I've never heard of this place. I'm sure it's some small Mosque in the city, it's definitely not one of the main ones.
So, the call is following up on a pledge that I apparently made for $99 a month. Those of you who are Muslim understand the significance of the number 99- The 99 names of God. Anyhow, they are following up to find out what my preferred method of payment is. So I say, what the--?
I never made a pledge. I don't know you people. Yet, they have my name, address, phone number, and yes- my hotmail address. How does that happen? I get the call, and I'm a bit stumped. I'm not prepared to give money to these people at this time, especially given the fact that I don't know who they are. Firstly, I donate when and where I want to, and secondly, I would check out the organization first. No offense, but Muslim or not, I need to make sure that it's a good mainstream organization and not some weirdo one if you know what I mean. But how do you tell the Mosque people that no you never made the pledge and that you are not willing to make the payment when they clearly have all your contact info? There's no possibility of error-someone definitely gave out my info, otherwise where would they get my email address from? They even know my maiden name which I am now using, and know that my email address is still using the initial of my married name. I mean, come ON. Clearly someone deliberately gave it to them.
So I tell them, no, it's not my pledge. They insist it is, and confirm all the info for the tax receipt. Nope, sorry I never made a pledge. Now this is very embarrassing, I mean, do I go to hell if I turn down the Mosque charity? I'm half joking, but I'm sure you can understand how embarrassing this is. So then they kind of re-confirm the info, and then almost skeptically ask "Are you SURE you didn't make the donation?" Hell ya, and I think I know who did.
I know it's mean to accuse, but you can't blame me for thinking what I'm thinking. I mean, how low is that- setting me up for Mosque payments? I almost couldn't say no to them. That is just so wrong. I want to ask you-know-who if he did this to me, but I can't- it just feels wrong.
So they keep asking again and again. "But how could we have all the info, if you never made the pledge?". Now I'm frustrated and I say- "Well actually, perhaps my ex husband did it as a mean prank. We're not on good terms". Silence. Total silence. Then I continue, "This is as awkward for me as it is for you, but to be honest, I'm a single mom, and I've already donated to another organization this year. I wouldn't lie to you. I was not the one that gave you that info".
Silence. Awkwardness. Please God, just let the lightening strike me now. Please. OK Now. Please...OK...they are still on the line. Anytime now God, anytime.
Then they thank me for my time. Thank God it's over. Thank you God. I promise to pray tomorrow. Don't strike me down with lightening for not paying the money. IF you want to strike anyone, hit the house a few blocks down. I'm sure you'll find the culprit there.
I feel so mean even doing this journal, especially because I'm accusing someone who can't defend himself here. But really, what the heck was that all about? Talk about a mean stunt.
Now I've seen it all.
So, the call is following up on a pledge that I apparently made for $99 a month. Those of you who are Muslim understand the significance of the number 99- The 99 names of God. Anyhow, they are following up to find out what my preferred method of payment is. So I say, what the--?
I never made a pledge. I don't know you people. Yet, they have my name, address, phone number, and yes- my hotmail address. How does that happen? I get the call, and I'm a bit stumped. I'm not prepared to give money to these people at this time, especially given the fact that I don't know who they are. Firstly, I donate when and where I want to, and secondly, I would check out the organization first. No offense, but Muslim or not, I need to make sure that it's a good mainstream organization and not some weirdo one if you know what I mean. But how do you tell the Mosque people that no you never made the pledge and that you are not willing to make the payment when they clearly have all your contact info? There's no possibility of error-someone definitely gave out my info, otherwise where would they get my email address from? They even know my maiden name which I am now using, and know that my email address is still using the initial of my married name. I mean, come ON. Clearly someone deliberately gave it to them.
So I tell them, no, it's not my pledge. They insist it is, and confirm all the info for the tax receipt. Nope, sorry I never made a pledge. Now this is very embarrassing, I mean, do I go to hell if I turn down the Mosque charity? I'm half joking, but I'm sure you can understand how embarrassing this is. So then they kind of re-confirm the info, and then almost skeptically ask "Are you SURE you didn't make the donation?" Hell ya, and I think I know who did.
I know it's mean to accuse, but you can't blame me for thinking what I'm thinking. I mean, how low is that- setting me up for Mosque payments? I almost couldn't say no to them. That is just so wrong. I want to ask you-know-who if he did this to me, but I can't- it just feels wrong.
So they keep asking again and again. "But how could we have all the info, if you never made the pledge?". Now I'm frustrated and I say- "Well actually, perhaps my ex husband did it as a mean prank. We're not on good terms". Silence. Total silence. Then I continue, "This is as awkward for me as it is for you, but to be honest, I'm a single mom, and I've already donated to another organization this year. I wouldn't lie to you. I was not the one that gave you that info".
Silence. Awkwardness. Please God, just let the lightening strike me now. Please. OK Now. Please...OK...they are still on the line. Anytime now God, anytime.
Then they thank me for my time. Thank God it's over. Thank you God. I promise to pray tomorrow. Don't strike me down with lightening for not paying the money. IF you want to strike anyone, hit the house a few blocks down. I'm sure you'll find the culprit there.
I feel so mean even doing this journal, especially because I'm accusing someone who can't defend himself here. But really, what the heck was that all about? Talk about a mean stunt.
Now I've seen it all.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Privacy at Last
And the blinds go up. Thank you Rich for the support and love that you give me. I am so bad- Rich came to put up the blinds while I sat and watched. But really, I'm not that great at this stuff, and really, I'm still under the weather. My friends rock.
I feel safer now. I feel like I can sit in the main floor of my house in peace. I don't think I realized how much the lack of privacy at night impacted my lifestyle. I just realized today that because you could see through the curtains in my front room (living room) I never sat there at night. Anyone could watch me through the bay windows.
As I admired the chocolate brown wooden blinds today (they do look nice), I realized that I could now peacefully sit in this front room and not feel like I'm being watched. What a gift. I mean, all this time I had my own home, but I was still restricted in it. It almost seems silly now.
Either way, this brings me a lot of peace. Next step- install floodlights and locks for the back door.
Safety and security- here I come.
I feel safer now. I feel like I can sit in the main floor of my house in peace. I don't think I realized how much the lack of privacy at night impacted my lifestyle. I just realized today that because you could see through the curtains in my front room (living room) I never sat there at night. Anyone could watch me through the bay windows.
As I admired the chocolate brown wooden blinds today (they do look nice), I realized that I could now peacefully sit in this front room and not feel like I'm being watched. What a gift. I mean, all this time I had my own home, but I was still restricted in it. It almost seems silly now.
Either way, this brings me a lot of peace. Next step- install floodlights and locks for the back door.
Safety and security- here I come.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween/Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to my beautiful 5 year old daughter. And Happy Halloween to everyone else!
The kids had a lot of fun trick or treating. Mich and Rich took them out, while I stayed home and gave out candy (and possibly my cold-yikes) to all the children. I know- it sounds bad- but what else could I do? Turn off my lights and NOT give out candy? I don't think so.
After that, Mich and Rich had cake for my daughter's birthday. I brought the kids home and put them to bed (they were so cranky by that point, it's unbelievable).
Kids are funny- I bought this awesome Mulan costume for my daughter- I wanted her to be the independent Mulan, but she insisted on being Cinderella. I tried to convince her- Cinderella waits for the prince to save her from her hellish life, while Mulan saves China. But, like every little girl, she wanted to be a TRUE Disney princess. Cinderella it was. My son had this awesome Scooby Doo outfit. Very cool. It was a nice warm zip up suit, so I was pleased.
All in all, they had fun, they didn't have to miss trick or treating cuz of my cold, and I got to eat candy. Can't ask for more than that, right?
The kids had a lot of fun trick or treating. Mich and Rich took them out, while I stayed home and gave out candy (and possibly my cold-yikes) to all the children. I know- it sounds bad- but what else could I do? Turn off my lights and NOT give out candy? I don't think so.
After that, Mich and Rich had cake for my daughter's birthday. I brought the kids home and put them to bed (they were so cranky by that point, it's unbelievable).
Kids are funny- I bought this awesome Mulan costume for my daughter- I wanted her to be the independent Mulan, but she insisted on being Cinderella. I tried to convince her- Cinderella waits for the prince to save her from her hellish life, while Mulan saves China. But, like every little girl, she wanted to be a TRUE Disney princess. Cinderella it was. My son had this awesome Scooby Doo outfit. Very cool. It was a nice warm zip up suit, so I was pleased.
All in all, they had fun, they didn't have to miss trick or treating cuz of my cold, and I got to eat candy. Can't ask for more than that, right?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Cough up a Lung
This is what happens when you let life take over. You become as sick as a dog. I haven't been this sick in a long time. I couldn't go into the office AND I couldn't work from home. Now that's rare. Every time I sat up I thought my head would pop off or something. I've been lying down all day, except to go to the doctor's.
Dr Clive said that this bug is going around. He said that the fact that I've been stressed and sleep deprived probably didn't help much either. He also said that this bug lasts 5-7 days, and that the worst part is yet to come. Apparently, it comes fully equipped with a handy dandy stomach flu around the day-3 mark. Oh yaay.
Tomorrow is Halloween, and my daughter's 5th birthday. Sadly, I'll have to send her trick or treating with some friends, and as for her birthday, well, not too sure what to do. I was going to have family over for cake, but my doctor said it's better not to, because everyone else will catch my cold :(
My poor daughter. I did take a friend's advice, and offer the children the choice of going out with their father, or Mich tomorrow for Halloween. They picked Mich. I'm actually kind of surprised.
I feel so bad. I'm going to be ducking out on Halloween and her birthday. Mean mommy.
I will however, make sure I get up and dress them in their costumes for school. That's the least I can do.
Dr Clive said that this bug is going around. He said that the fact that I've been stressed and sleep deprived probably didn't help much either. He also said that this bug lasts 5-7 days, and that the worst part is yet to come. Apparently, it comes fully equipped with a handy dandy stomach flu around the day-3 mark. Oh yaay.
Tomorrow is Halloween, and my daughter's 5th birthday. Sadly, I'll have to send her trick or treating with some friends, and as for her birthday, well, not too sure what to do. I was going to have family over for cake, but my doctor said it's better not to, because everyone else will catch my cold :(
My poor daughter. I did take a friend's advice, and offer the children the choice of going out with their father, or Mich tomorrow for Halloween. They picked Mich. I'm actually kind of surprised.
I feel so bad. I'm going to be ducking out on Halloween and her birthday. Mean mommy.
I will however, make sure I get up and dress them in their costumes for school. That's the least I can do.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Forgiveness
A few days ago, around the time when I first caught my ex stalking around my house, I thought I had forgiven him for the past. Up until that point, things had been relatively calm. In fact, even when I saw him outside my house, and he sat there in front of me crying away, I actually felt sorry for him. The anger and fear didn't kick in until a few days later.
But here's the thing. I know forgiveness is a good thing. I know it's nice to forgive people. I know it's nice to wish them well despite their wrong doings, and I thought I had forgiven my ex. But I haven't. Because as a good friend once told me, you cannot forgive something that hasn't changed. I can't forgive him if he's still doing it. I can't heal until this is over, so I cannot forgive.
Yesterday at 4pm, my ex showed up here with the children's hockey equipment. He kept ringing the doorbell and I didn't answer because he didn't plan the visit with me, and I was on a conference call for the office. It was embarrassing enough that my doorbell was ringing during the call. When he called later and asked why I wouldn't answer the door, I got upset and told him that if he didn't schedule a time with me I would either refuse to answer or call the police if he continues to harass me like ringing the bell over and over or looking in through my windows as he did yesterday. I know he was trying to see if I was home, but it still bothered me nonetheless.
As things get more intense between my ex and I, that feeling of closure that I was starting to get is slipping away more and more, to the point where I still wish him well, but not necessarily because I'm a good person or anything like that.
I do want him to be happy, because he's the father of my children. The way I see it, if he is happy, it will be good for the childrens' mental state of mind. Also, if he moves on with his life and meets someone, it will mean that he may potentially just leave me alone. Call me selfish, but that's where I'm at.
Hey- at least I still wish him well right? I think that is good enough for now, especially given the emotional garbage I've been going through lately.
But here's the thing. I know forgiveness is a good thing. I know it's nice to forgive people. I know it's nice to wish them well despite their wrong doings, and I thought I had forgiven my ex. But I haven't. Because as a good friend once told me, you cannot forgive something that hasn't changed. I can't forgive him if he's still doing it. I can't heal until this is over, so I cannot forgive.
Yesterday at 4pm, my ex showed up here with the children's hockey equipment. He kept ringing the doorbell and I didn't answer because he didn't plan the visit with me, and I was on a conference call for the office. It was embarrassing enough that my doorbell was ringing during the call. When he called later and asked why I wouldn't answer the door, I got upset and told him that if he didn't schedule a time with me I would either refuse to answer or call the police if he continues to harass me like ringing the bell over and over or looking in through my windows as he did yesterday. I know he was trying to see if I was home, but it still bothered me nonetheless.
As things get more intense between my ex and I, that feeling of closure that I was starting to get is slipping away more and more, to the point where I still wish him well, but not necessarily because I'm a good person or anything like that.
I do want him to be happy, because he's the father of my children. The way I see it, if he is happy, it will be good for the childrens' mental state of mind. Also, if he moves on with his life and meets someone, it will mean that he may potentially just leave me alone. Call me selfish, but that's where I'm at.
Hey- at least I still wish him well right? I think that is good enough for now, especially given the emotional garbage I've been going through lately.
Friday, October 27, 2006
A Different Tactic
I had a long conversation with an office friend yesterday. She basically gave me the advise that if I really was concerned for my own safety, maybe I should put down the "Independence" card, and play the "safety" card. What she means is that instead of saying that it's none of his business what I do with my life, perhaps I should just tell him the things that will make him calm down. At first, the thought of it made me sick, after all, I lived my marriage doing just that. But now, I think she may be right.
My ex called last night for his usual telephone call with the children. Afterwards, he asked to speak to me. I told him to leave me alone. He told me that he was going to therapy and that he is trying to heal. He apologized for asking for a reconciliation. I told him his apology is worthless because although he says one thing to me, he turns around and acts crazy.
He told me that he has been having a nervous breakdown. That back in August when he truly realized that I was moving on with my life, he wasn't mentally prepared for it, that it shocked him when he heard guys talking about how they met me, how they wanted to ask me out, etc. None of these people knew who my ex was at the time. (I never did go out with any of them, but I guess it's a small community and he found out that there were some people interested in getting to know me better).
Either way, he says that this experience shocked him. Throughout the divorce, he never prepared himself for the fact that I might actually move on one day, or that it might possibly start to happen so soon. I think he had expected it to take me years to heal first. But see, I've been working on the whole healing thing for 2.5 years now. I started when I first separated. That's why I'm emotionally better off than he is right now.
On any account, he pleaded that I forgive him, that I not be upset with him, and he promised not to harass me, either directly, or indirectly through friends. I told him that I wanted my space, and he promised to give it to me. Then I took my girlfriend's advice and told him that I am not seeing anyone. Now, I'm not commenting on how true or false that is, but I do feel that I shouldn't have had to give him any information at all. My girlfriend was right though...it did seem to calm him down just to hear it.
So, he wants to continue with his therapy. He wants me to come to a session with him, and I said no. I've been through my own therapy. Now it's his turn. Still, he promised to behave. I'm not going to hold my breath.
I do think my friend was right. From a safety perspective, reassuring him and telling him what he wants/needs to hear is just better for me. For now.
In the meantime, I will continue taking my security measures at home, protecting my house, protecting my space, and protecting my sanity.
Let's see how things go over the next few days.
My ex called last night for his usual telephone call with the children. Afterwards, he asked to speak to me. I told him to leave me alone. He told me that he was going to therapy and that he is trying to heal. He apologized for asking for a reconciliation. I told him his apology is worthless because although he says one thing to me, he turns around and acts crazy.
He told me that he has been having a nervous breakdown. That back in August when he truly realized that I was moving on with my life, he wasn't mentally prepared for it, that it shocked him when he heard guys talking about how they met me, how they wanted to ask me out, etc. None of these people knew who my ex was at the time. (I never did go out with any of them, but I guess it's a small community and he found out that there were some people interested in getting to know me better).
Either way, he says that this experience shocked him. Throughout the divorce, he never prepared himself for the fact that I might actually move on one day, or that it might possibly start to happen so soon. I think he had expected it to take me years to heal first. But see, I've been working on the whole healing thing for 2.5 years now. I started when I first separated. That's why I'm emotionally better off than he is right now.
On any account, he pleaded that I forgive him, that I not be upset with him, and he promised not to harass me, either directly, or indirectly through friends. I told him that I wanted my space, and he promised to give it to me. Then I took my girlfriend's advice and told him that I am not seeing anyone. Now, I'm not commenting on how true or false that is, but I do feel that I shouldn't have had to give him any information at all. My girlfriend was right though...it did seem to calm him down just to hear it.
So, he wants to continue with his therapy. He wants me to come to a session with him, and I said no. I've been through my own therapy. Now it's his turn. Still, he promised to behave. I'm not going to hold my breath.
I do think my friend was right. From a safety perspective, reassuring him and telling him what he wants/needs to hear is just better for me. For now.
In the meantime, I will continue taking my security measures at home, protecting my house, protecting my space, and protecting my sanity.
Let's see how things go over the next few days.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Security Measures
It's 7am. I went to bed at 1am. I woke up at 5am. I can't sleep. The thought of what he might be up to really scare me.
Yesterday, I went out with Rich and Mich to buy blinds for the main floor. I have curtains, but you can kind of see through them at night. I bought floodlights for the outside of my house, and a combination padlock for the backyard gate. Just doing whatever I can to protect this home. I actually contemplated a security camera system. It was $250 and came with 2 exterior security cameras, a monitor, and a recording system so the tapes can be stored/used. I wanted to buy it, but Mich said I was being too paranoid, and that I would be safe enough with the measures I'm currently taking. I personally thought security cameras would be good- because I can use them in court if I ever needed to. I guess I'll wait and see.
Yesterday at 5pm I went to my real estate lawyer and had my name changed on the deed to my house. If something ever happens to me, at least my biggest asset will be in my maiden name. I feel better knowing that. The lawyer I went to is a personal friend. He was OUR personal friend when we were married. He told me that 10 minutes before I arrived my ex was there, and spoke to him, asking him to speak to me, and try to get me to reconcile. I told him under no circumstances would I be willing to do it. I am so embarrassed. This is just wrong. I did tell him to tell my ex that if he continued harassing me, I would get a restraining order. About an hour later I got a phone call from my ex (he called from a different number), and he was requesting that I please forgive him and NOT get a restraining order. Sigh.
The night before last, I got a phone call from a former marriage counsellor. He said that my ex contacted him and told him what was going on, and would I be willing to come in and chat. My answer was hell no. He said he wouldn't want me to reconcile or anything, after all, he knew details about how bad things were for me, but he did want to know if there were anything he could do to make things more amicable for the sake of the children. Of course there is something you can do. Tell my ex to leave me the hell alone. Then we can be civil. Sheesh.
Anyhow, that's my update. I'm sure there will be more drama as the day continues. This is, after all, my life. Dramatic like a soap opera, crazier than any movie. Honestly. Some of the movies I've seen about crazy ex husbands can't even compare to this insanity. I'm living it baby.
Yesterday, I went out with Rich and Mich to buy blinds for the main floor. I have curtains, but you can kind of see through them at night. I bought floodlights for the outside of my house, and a combination padlock for the backyard gate. Just doing whatever I can to protect this home. I actually contemplated a security camera system. It was $250 and came with 2 exterior security cameras, a monitor, and a recording system so the tapes can be stored/used. I wanted to buy it, but Mich said I was being too paranoid, and that I would be safe enough with the measures I'm currently taking. I personally thought security cameras would be good- because I can use them in court if I ever needed to. I guess I'll wait and see.
Yesterday at 5pm I went to my real estate lawyer and had my name changed on the deed to my house. If something ever happens to me, at least my biggest asset will be in my maiden name. I feel better knowing that. The lawyer I went to is a personal friend. He was OUR personal friend when we were married. He told me that 10 minutes before I arrived my ex was there, and spoke to him, asking him to speak to me, and try to get me to reconcile. I told him under no circumstances would I be willing to do it. I am so embarrassed. This is just wrong. I did tell him to tell my ex that if he continued harassing me, I would get a restraining order. About an hour later I got a phone call from my ex (he called from a different number), and he was requesting that I please forgive him and NOT get a restraining order. Sigh.
The night before last, I got a phone call from a former marriage counsellor. He said that my ex contacted him and told him what was going on, and would I be willing to come in and chat. My answer was hell no. He said he wouldn't want me to reconcile or anything, after all, he knew details about how bad things were for me, but he did want to know if there were anything he could do to make things more amicable for the sake of the children. Of course there is something you can do. Tell my ex to leave me the hell alone. Then we can be civil. Sheesh.
Anyhow, that's my update. I'm sure there will be more drama as the day continues. This is, after all, my life. Dramatic like a soap opera, crazier than any movie. Honestly. Some of the movies I've seen about crazy ex husbands can't even compare to this insanity. I'm living it baby.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Mental Abuse
I'm getting tired these days. I can feel myself getting worn out. The difference is, this time, I still have many loving people around me who care, but for some reason, this time, I feel totally alone. Maybe it's that everyone around me is getting tired of the same old routine. Or maybe, I'm just overly sensitive (I wouldn't be surprised if this were the case).
I am such an emotional mess today that it's a good thing my son has a dentist appointment. It's a good thing I had to work from home. I wouldn't want my colleagues to see me like this.
So- I went to the police station on Saturday to get some advice. Turns out, he has to do this a couple more times before I can make an issue of it, and I have to call the police each time. I'm so serious, the laws do nothing to protect women in my situation. Nothing at all. Basically, I know I'm not safe, my friends are freaked out, but yet, I have to live like normal until he does something to me. Like, really does something. Everyone is missing the point- when that does happen, and these days I fear it will, it will be too late to help me.
His tactics are getting more and more intense every day. He keeps calling in the morning, asking if he can come over and help me dress the kids, help with the morning routine. On Eid, he called me several times, and then basically showed up, clothes in hand, asking if he could get dressed at my place, and then help me get the children ready for Eid. I mean, are you bloody serious? Did you miss the part when we got divorced? I basically told him no, get off my property, and you're not welcome in my home. He clearly cannot take a hint. Heck, he can't even understand when you spell it out to him slowly.
I know he stalks my house, I know he looks into my windows. He even knows what time I get home. Yesterday, I found out that he went to my daughter's school to ask her a few questions. He wanted to know who was at my home on Eid, who was at my parent's home, and whether or not any men sleep over at my house. He even went so far as to ask her if any men sleep in my bed at night. WHO THE HELL ASKS A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL THAT QUESTION?! I found out that he went to my son's after school program to ask him the same things.
So here I am. Waiting for something to happen, because my gut instinct tells me that something will. I'm afraid to leave the house, I feel like someone is always following me. I'm afraid to talk to any men, I'm afraid he might go nuts and pick the kids up from school and take off.
Afraid, afraid, afraid.
So why did I leave again? Oh yeah, so that my children and I could live a safe and happy life. How long has it been? Oh yeah two and a half years. When will things let up?
Try never.
Why did I even bother?
I am such an emotional mess today that it's a good thing my son has a dentist appointment. It's a good thing I had to work from home. I wouldn't want my colleagues to see me like this.
So- I went to the police station on Saturday to get some advice. Turns out, he has to do this a couple more times before I can make an issue of it, and I have to call the police each time. I'm so serious, the laws do nothing to protect women in my situation. Nothing at all. Basically, I know I'm not safe, my friends are freaked out, but yet, I have to live like normal until he does something to me. Like, really does something. Everyone is missing the point- when that does happen, and these days I fear it will, it will be too late to help me.
His tactics are getting more and more intense every day. He keeps calling in the morning, asking if he can come over and help me dress the kids, help with the morning routine. On Eid, he called me several times, and then basically showed up, clothes in hand, asking if he could get dressed at my place, and then help me get the children ready for Eid. I mean, are you bloody serious? Did you miss the part when we got divorced? I basically told him no, get off my property, and you're not welcome in my home. He clearly cannot take a hint. Heck, he can't even understand when you spell it out to him slowly.
I know he stalks my house, I know he looks into my windows. He even knows what time I get home. Yesterday, I found out that he went to my daughter's school to ask her a few questions. He wanted to know who was at my home on Eid, who was at my parent's home, and whether or not any men sleep over at my house. He even went so far as to ask her if any men sleep in my bed at night. WHO THE HELL ASKS A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL THAT QUESTION?! I found out that he went to my son's after school program to ask him the same things.
So here I am. Waiting for something to happen, because my gut instinct tells me that something will. I'm afraid to leave the house, I feel like someone is always following me. I'm afraid to talk to any men, I'm afraid he might go nuts and pick the kids up from school and take off.
Afraid, afraid, afraid.
So why did I leave again? Oh yeah, so that my children and I could live a safe and happy life. How long has it been? Oh yeah two and a half years. When will things let up?
Try never.
Why did I even bother?
Friday, October 20, 2006
Exhausted and Paranoid=Bad Combination
That's me. Exhausted and paranoid. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was so tired and worried that Mr. Creepy might be outside. Then I had 8 hours of back to back interviews for an intern I'm trying to recruit. To top it off, I decided to fast today because Friday is the holiest day for Muslims and today was the last Friday of Ramadan. That was a bad move because the ulcer is bugging me, and why wouldn't it? Stress and sleep deprivation and starvation are a very bad combination indeed, especially if you have an ulcer.
Tomorrow's agenda- shopping for blinds. I want to feel safer in this house. I also want to visit Rich and Mich for Diwali. So adorable- they bought Diwali presents for the children. My son got this Japanese fighter fish and fish tank, and he is absolutely obsessed with it.
My friends are pressuring me to contact the police about Thursday's incident. I'm worried it will make things worse. They are saying failure to respond will just make him worse. I'm so torn. I just want things to settle down so I can move on.
This is why women never leave jerky men. Because they never let you leave in peace. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Tomorrow's agenda- shopping for blinds. I want to feel safer in this house. I also want to visit Rich and Mich for Diwali. So adorable- they bought Diwali presents for the children. My son got this Japanese fighter fish and fish tank, and he is absolutely obsessed with it.
My friends are pressuring me to contact the police about Thursday's incident. I'm worried it will make things worse. They are saying failure to respond will just make him worse. I'm so torn. I just want things to settle down so I can move on.
This is why women never leave jerky men. Because they never let you leave in peace. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
A Scary Visitor
I came back from my doctor's appointment this afternoon and saw something a bit odd and very scary. (Actually- on that note- appointment went well, but the ulcer is now officially back after one year, so I can't fast anymore) :(
Anyhow, my house is visible from the main road. As I was driving into my neighbourhood, I looked over towards my house and noticed my ex leaving the front porch. This freaked me out a bit, and as I turned into the neighbourhood, I saw his car parked a block away. I turned onto my street and he was gone, so I turned back around and parked behind his car and waited for him to return. A couple of minutes later, he came to his car and I asked him what he was doing at my home in the middle of the day. He didn't have an answer.
Honestly, this was really creepy behaviour. I have no clue in the world why he was there, what he was looking for, if he had done anything weird, and why he felt the need to park a block away and walk over to my house. I mean, a normal innocent person would just park in the driveway, right? I'm blogging this now, half because, gosh -if something ever happens to me, the world has read this post. I was really freaked out, wondering if the house would blow up or catch fire when I opened the front door. I know, it's insane for me to think this way, but my mind is getting the best of me I suppose.
He really didn't have an explanation, that's what bothered me. Nothing. His answer to my "What are you doing at my home" question was "I don't know". It gave me chills. I mean, honestly, today is Thursday. I am usually in the office on Thursdays. I work from home Fridays, so he couldn't have been looking for me. I happened to be home because I have an off site thing to tend to for the office tomorrow. So what was he doing here???
When I asked him again, he broke down and cried. Same story- that he loves me, that he's changed, that he only wants me to take him back, that he swears I'm the best woman in the entire world and that he would treat me like a princess if I would just take him back. I felt sorry for him, but still- what was he doing at my home? I mean, I can't shake this fear... So anyways, I told him to move on, I told him that he was freaking me out with this behaviour. I also reminded him that I still care about his well being, because he is the childrens' father. He talked about all the horrible things he did to me, and that he was sorry. I told him that we cannot be together.
Sadly, his tactics continue. He claims that he came to my house for closure, but I don't buy it. I'm not that stupid. How can someone get closure by visiting a home that they never lived in? That makes no sense at all. So what was he doing at my house? GOSH- this is going to bug me all night!
I know- I'm scatterbrained right now. I can't help it. My mind is racing. Hope you guys can follow my crazy rant :)
And hey- If anyone has any ideas around why he was here, or what I should do, please let me know. I have friends that have suggested that I call the police, but what if that just makes him worse?
Anyhow, my house is visible from the main road. As I was driving into my neighbourhood, I looked over towards my house and noticed my ex leaving the front porch. This freaked me out a bit, and as I turned into the neighbourhood, I saw his car parked a block away. I turned onto my street and he was gone, so I turned back around and parked behind his car and waited for him to return. A couple of minutes later, he came to his car and I asked him what he was doing at my home in the middle of the day. He didn't have an answer.
Honestly, this was really creepy behaviour. I have no clue in the world why he was there, what he was looking for, if he had done anything weird, and why he felt the need to park a block away and walk over to my house. I mean, a normal innocent person would just park in the driveway, right? I'm blogging this now, half because, gosh -if something ever happens to me, the world has read this post. I was really freaked out, wondering if the house would blow up or catch fire when I opened the front door. I know, it's insane for me to think this way, but my mind is getting the best of me I suppose.
He really didn't have an explanation, that's what bothered me. Nothing. His answer to my "What are you doing at my home" question was "I don't know". It gave me chills. I mean, honestly, today is Thursday. I am usually in the office on Thursdays. I work from home Fridays, so he couldn't have been looking for me. I happened to be home because I have an off site thing to tend to for the office tomorrow. So what was he doing here???
When I asked him again, he broke down and cried. Same story- that he loves me, that he's changed, that he only wants me to take him back, that he swears I'm the best woman in the entire world and that he would treat me like a princess if I would just take him back. I felt sorry for him, but still- what was he doing at my home? I mean, I can't shake this fear... So anyways, I told him to move on, I told him that he was freaking me out with this behaviour. I also reminded him that I still care about his well being, because he is the childrens' father. He talked about all the horrible things he did to me, and that he was sorry. I told him that we cannot be together.
Sadly, his tactics continue. He claims that he came to my house for closure, but I don't buy it. I'm not that stupid. How can someone get closure by visiting a home that they never lived in? That makes no sense at all. So what was he doing at my house? GOSH- this is going to bug me all night!
I know- I'm scatterbrained right now. I can't help it. My mind is racing. Hope you guys can follow my crazy rant :)
And hey- If anyone has any ideas around why he was here, or what I should do, please let me know. I have friends that have suggested that I call the police, but what if that just makes him worse?
4 Days to Go
I shouldn't complain about fasting, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I had the same problem last year, where my ulcer flared up towards the end of Ramadan. This year, it's similar- ulcer etc. Sigh. I'm going to the doc today to see what he says. 4 days to go and I may not be able to fast any more. I almost made it through this year...almost.
So, anyways, I have finished all my Eid shopping (hooray). Can't wait to see the look on the children's faces when they open their presents. It's all about the children. I'm too old to get Eid presents. Nobody does that for me anymore
Hey- not complaining...I love giving gifts just as much (if not more) anyways.
So I have a beef. What the heck is up with that stupid Pakistani guy running for MP? Is he nuts? As if Muslims don't get enough bad publicity through terrorism, we now get the joy of dealing with Mr. Freakorama who acts like a loose cannon? What idiots. This quote says it all :
"Some of the people who come here to Canada from Pakistan try to play the same games," says freelance journalist Javed Zaheer, who knows all the parties involved in the story. "This is what they know. They try to suppress the other candidates, to pressure them to sit out of the race or dig up some dirt."
And then in today's news, we had another similar case. Sigh. What next?
Honestly, from now on, if someone asks my background, I'm going to say I'm Spanish or something. GEEZ! How bloody embarrassing! Go home losers! You're ruining it for the rest of us!
So, anyways, I have finished all my Eid shopping (hooray). Can't wait to see the look on the children's faces when they open their presents. It's all about the children. I'm too old to get Eid presents. Nobody does that for me anymore
Hey- not complaining...I love giving gifts just as much (if not more) anyways.
So I have a beef. What the heck is up with that stupid Pakistani guy running for MP? Is he nuts? As if Muslims don't get enough bad publicity through terrorism, we now get the joy of dealing with Mr. Freakorama who acts like a loose cannon? What idiots. This quote says it all :
"Some of the people who come here to Canada from Pakistan try to play the same games," says freelance journalist Javed Zaheer, who knows all the parties involved in the story. "This is what they know. They try to suppress the other candidates, to pressure them to sit out of the race or dig up some dirt."
And then in today's news, we had another similar case. Sigh. What next?
Honestly, from now on, if someone asks my background, I'm going to say I'm Spanish or something. GEEZ! How bloody embarrassing! Go home losers! You're ruining it for the rest of us!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
"My Life is so Much Never Fair"
Words from my little 4 year old drama queen. I asked her why her life is "so much never fair", and she said because sometimes you can have friends, and sometimes you end up fighting with them. Sometimes girls gang up on each other. You have to do what they say or they won't play with you anymore. Then you have to play alone. My daughter likes to be the centre of the universe, so she has the never ending stress of trying to please everyone, which means she seldomly gets her way....Hence her sobs about life never being fair.
Cliquish girls at the age of 4. What has this world come to? What will she have to deal with in high school?
I know we all went through it. I remember all too well how mean high school girls can be. High school was funny. In grade 9, I dealt with all the cliquish girls. Life was hard, especially being one of the only Indo Pak girls around. Oddly enough, by grade 11, my high school became Indo Central. By that time it was SO Indian/Pakistani, maybe more than half. Talk about your immigration explosion.
I'm not saying the non- Indos are the problem. I'm just remembering how the cliquish problem ended for me. It was replaced with other issues. When all the different cultures exploded into the school in a mere two years, there was so much racial tension that we had no choice but to join together by culture. But then by grade 12, we had our own cliques again even within our cultural groups. AHHH the cliques. A key part of high school but never really any fun.
Anyhow, she'll grow out of it sometime after university, and no, I'm not kidding. I just want to talk to her a bit and make sure she doesn't live her life as a crowd pleaser. Trust me, my life has taught me that if you live your life to look good for others, you end up....Well, you know- exactly where I am today. Starting over at the age of 34, learning to fight the world for your right to be independent. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Sigh.
Hopefully I can guide my daughter so she doesn't have to make the same mistakes as me. Man. I just shivered. I think my dad has said those exact words to me when I was little. And if I recall correctly, I still had to learn my lessons despite his teachings.
I just shivered again...
Cliquish girls at the age of 4. What has this world come to? What will she have to deal with in high school?
I know we all went through it. I remember all too well how mean high school girls can be. High school was funny. In grade 9, I dealt with all the cliquish girls. Life was hard, especially being one of the only Indo Pak girls around. Oddly enough, by grade 11, my high school became Indo Central. By that time it was SO Indian/Pakistani, maybe more than half. Talk about your immigration explosion.
I'm not saying the non- Indos are the problem. I'm just remembering how the cliquish problem ended for me. It was replaced with other issues. When all the different cultures exploded into the school in a mere two years, there was so much racial tension that we had no choice but to join together by culture. But then by grade 12, we had our own cliques again even within our cultural groups. AHHH the cliques. A key part of high school but never really any fun.
Anyhow, she'll grow out of it sometime after university, and no, I'm not kidding. I just want to talk to her a bit and make sure she doesn't live her life as a crowd pleaser. Trust me, my life has taught me that if you live your life to look good for others, you end up....Well, you know- exactly where I am today. Starting over at the age of 34, learning to fight the world for your right to be independent. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Sigh.
Hopefully I can guide my daughter so she doesn't have to make the same mistakes as me. Man. I just shivered. I think my dad has said those exact words to me when I was little. And if I recall correctly, I still had to learn my lessons despite his teachings.
I just shivered again...
Friday, October 13, 2006
Mid Ramadan
Actually- that's a lie...it's just slightly past mid Ramadan. I'm finding I'm tired from the fasting this year, and that doesn't usually happen to me. Yesterday the headaches were so bad I couldn't take it anymore. But I know I shouldn't complain. It defeats the purpose. Mind you, a couple of days ago I was emailing a friend and I mentioned that I was dying for a diet Pepsi and that I couldn't wait to start drinking diet Pepsi again. He said "don't worry- it's almost over". I replied by saying "I know, 15 days left", and he said "actually, I was referring to the few hours left in this day so you can have a diet Pepsi. You just went and wrote off the rest of Ramadan!". How shameful of me. I am so embarrassed.
The children will be at their father's this weekend. I personally am looking forward to the break, to the chance to sleep in, to be lazy given the headaches, and to see if I can make it out to the gym. The last time I went to the gym was last Friday, and I started to get lightheaded during the workout. I went after breaking fast, but still, I think a whole day of fasting takes a toll on you, even if you do try to go to the gym AFTER having your one meal for the day. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular diet/exercise routine after Ramadan.
I also have to do Eid shopping for the children this weekend. Since they will be at their dad's place, it will give me the opportunity to buy Eid gifts and wrap them before the kids get to take a peek. I love this part- shopping and presents. What could be better? :)
The children will be at their father's this weekend. I personally am looking forward to the break, to the chance to sleep in, to be lazy given the headaches, and to see if I can make it out to the gym. The last time I went to the gym was last Friday, and I started to get lightheaded during the workout. I went after breaking fast, but still, I think a whole day of fasting takes a toll on you, even if you do try to go to the gym AFTER having your one meal for the day. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular diet/exercise routine after Ramadan.
I also have to do Eid shopping for the children this weekend. Since they will be at their dad's place, it will give me the opportunity to buy Eid gifts and wrap them before the kids get to take a peek. I love this part- shopping and presents. What could be better? :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Ifaar Party
I had an Iftaar party (dinner for some of my fasting Muslim friends) yesterday. I haven't hosted for that many people since I've been on my own. This was quite the adventure, and I think, a little daring on my part.
Overall I had fun. I did however learn a couple of things:
A wise person once told me- friends are the family you choose. How true.
Overall I had fun. I did however learn a couple of things:
- It is very hard to cook for people when you can't taste the food because you are fasting- even worse when cooking a large quantity of food because if it messes up, you have alot of not so great food on your hands (thank God it all turned out well)
- My home is way too small to host 40 people. I think it would have been ok if there were 40 adults. But when you're talking 15 kids running around like amazons, it gets a bit tight
- If you set up a picnic blanket for the kids in front of a TV set, they actually will sit down and be quiet while eating dinner (hooray for Disney movies!)
- If you fail to wakeup for breakfast at 5am, fast the whole day while cooking and cleaning, you will be drop dead tired by the time you're ready to eat
- When you're friends insist on doing a potluck, take them up on it :)
- When you host for a large group of friends, you never get to sit down with any of them :(
- It is absolutely amazing to have girlfriends that are willing to help you out in the kitchen so you don't get stuck cleaning up on your own :)
A wise person once told me- friends are the family you choose. How true.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
What Color are You?
My daughter was sitting next to me and suddenly came to the realization that our skin colors are slightly different.
"Mommy- What color are you?"
"Pardon?"
"What color are you?"
"What color do you think I am?"
"I don't know"
"OK - Well- what color are YOU?"
"I'm brown"
"How do you know that?"
"Because I can see it. And my brother is brown. And daddy is brown. But what color are you?"
"I'm not brown?"
OK- This was funny, because I am normally the first to remove myself from Indian/Pakistani (Indo/Pak) people. My history has made me a bit jarred. But this was too weird. I mean, after all, I certainly didn't want her to lump herself and her brother with my ex and make me the outsider. But then again- what makes her think I'm different? True, my skin is slightly lighter than theirs, but it's not like I'm noticeably different...At least I don't think so.
"What colors are there?" I asked
"Brown, black, white, and something else."
"Oh. Well....What am I?"
"I think you're something else".
Nice...Now I'm the leftover stuff :) This was amusing.
"Ok- so what's the question?"
"Why are you different from us?"
OK- I wasn't about to give my almost-5-year-old a long winded explanation about how my mom's family originated from Northern Pakistan, resulting in fairer skin, lighter hair, lighter eyes, and that her dad's family comes from Southern Pakistan....You get the point.
"I just am, honey. God made me like that."
"Why are we different?"
Hmmm- Then I had an idea. Heck if I'm going to be the outsider :)
"Well- you're not different sweetie. Not exactly. See your dad is slightly darker than you. And I'm just a little lighter. What happens when you mix dark and light?"
"You get medium."
"That's you."
Her eyes lit up. Almost like she had some revelation. The funny thing is, I didn't even answer her original question around what color I am. I just maybe made her realize that we are all different, and that she is a mixture of me and her dad.
Ha. I'm such a troublemaker. Way to confuse the child. :)
"Mommy- What color are you?"
"Pardon?"
"What color are you?"
"What color do you think I am?"
"I don't know"
"OK - Well- what color are YOU?"
"I'm brown"
"How do you know that?"
"Because I can see it. And my brother is brown. And daddy is brown. But what color are you?"
"I'm not brown?"
OK- This was funny, because I am normally the first to remove myself from Indian/Pakistani (Indo/Pak) people. My history has made me a bit jarred. But this was too weird. I mean, after all, I certainly didn't want her to lump herself and her brother with my ex and make me the outsider. But then again- what makes her think I'm different? True, my skin is slightly lighter than theirs, but it's not like I'm noticeably different...At least I don't think so.
"What colors are there?" I asked
"Brown, black, white, and something else."
"Oh. Well....What am I?"
"I think you're something else".
Nice...Now I'm the leftover stuff :) This was amusing.
"Ok- so what's the question?"
"Why are you different from us?"
OK- I wasn't about to give my almost-5-year-old a long winded explanation about how my mom's family originated from Northern Pakistan, resulting in fairer skin, lighter hair, lighter eyes, and that her dad's family comes from Southern Pakistan....You get the point.
"I just am, honey. God made me like that."
"Why are we different?"
Hmmm- Then I had an idea. Heck if I'm going to be the outsider :)
"Well- you're not different sweetie. Not exactly. See your dad is slightly darker than you. And I'm just a little lighter. What happens when you mix dark and light?"
"You get medium."
"That's you."
Her eyes lit up. Almost like she had some revelation. The funny thing is, I didn't even answer her original question around what color I am. I just maybe made her realize that we are all different, and that she is a mixture of me and her dad.
Ha. I'm such a troublemaker. Way to confuse the child. :)
Friday, October 06, 2006
All in a Day's Work
I just met with my ex and his lawyer. I do have to say that was an efficient meeting. Maybe 20 minutes. Bottom line- they tried to corner me and see if I was willing to give him more time in exchange for the proper child support amount. THE NERVE!
I basically said that there is no way I would literally sell my children. No way at all. I don't care about the money. I don't care if I bleed to the ground financially. I'm not doing this. I basically told them that they can either pay what they should or he can shoulder the guilt that he scammed his own kids out of proper support.
I learned something else. My ex never told my lawyer that he was an abusive husband. When the lawyer asked if I really wanted to go to court over this, I basically asked him if he knew why I left. When he cited irreconcilable differences, I told him the truth...that my ex was abusive. I saw his jaw drop. Really. Then I asked if he thought I needed a lawyer to represent me in court, because the way I see it, this is a slam dunk for me. How many judges would extend access for an abusive husband, especially when the wife left because he almost choked their child to death? Yes. EXACTLY.
His lawyer basically said that we were done. No need to discuss further.
I'm not sure if that means they will build a case, or if it means he won't pursue this, but I have a very strong feeling its the latter. Either way, let's see what happens.
I'm really hoping I won't have to go through this again, but if I do, I will be very prepared.
In hindsight, I should never have listened to my own lawyer. He recommended that I not file for divorce on the grounds of cruelty (abuse) because it would make things more complicated. I personally think it should have gone on record that our marriage ended because of him.
I'll leave that in the past where it belongs I suppose. Let's just hope one day I'll find greener pastures.
I basically said that there is no way I would literally sell my children. No way at all. I don't care about the money. I don't care if I bleed to the ground financially. I'm not doing this. I basically told them that they can either pay what they should or he can shoulder the guilt that he scammed his own kids out of proper support.
I learned something else. My ex never told my lawyer that he was an abusive husband. When the lawyer asked if I really wanted to go to court over this, I basically asked him if he knew why I left. When he cited irreconcilable differences, I told him the truth...that my ex was abusive. I saw his jaw drop. Really. Then I asked if he thought I needed a lawyer to represent me in court, because the way I see it, this is a slam dunk for me. How many judges would extend access for an abusive husband, especially when the wife left because he almost choked their child to death? Yes. EXACTLY.
His lawyer basically said that we were done. No need to discuss further.
I'm not sure if that means they will build a case, or if it means he won't pursue this, but I have a very strong feeling its the latter. Either way, let's see what happens.
I'm really hoping I won't have to go through this again, but if I do, I will be very prepared.
In hindsight, I should never have listened to my own lawyer. He recommended that I not file for divorce on the grounds of cruelty (abuse) because it would make things more complicated. I personally think it should have gone on record that our marriage ended because of him.
I'll leave that in the past where it belongs I suppose. Let's just hope one day I'll find greener pastures.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Crappy Day
I feel so crappy today. I'm wondering where this will all end. I've had a few days of back and forth with my ex and his lawyer. I'm tired, and I feel like I have to keep it all to myself. I've talked to 2 friends about this stuff, my office colleague, and another friend who lives downtown, but for the most part, I'm carrying this on my own.
Some days you just don't know if you should laugh or cry. I can't seem to say anything right to those around me, or to do anything right where my ex, or heck even my loved ones are concerned. I can feel another slump coming on....It's weird. Every now and then I feel this weird feeling like I need to get away from everyone. I'm in that space again. I want to go away and live in a hut for a few weeks, but here I am, dressing in the morning, going through the motions like nothing is wrong. But really, nothing seems right either.
I'm not making much sense...I know. But do you ever have those days where you feel like even when you're so close to accomplishing things, you will just fail in the end? I feel that way today- on a personal front, with my loved ones, with my crazy ex, and well, overall I suppose.
I wish I owned a hut on the beach in Tahiti. That's where I would rather be.
My ex is insane. If you hang around insane people for long enough, you become insane yourself. I think I might fall into this category of people.
I wonder if I'm ever meant to find peace and/or happiness? Or am I just destined to continue through this confusion?
Some days you just don't know if you should laugh or cry. I can't seem to say anything right to those around me, or to do anything right where my ex, or heck even my loved ones are concerned. I can feel another slump coming on....It's weird. Every now and then I feel this weird feeling like I need to get away from everyone. I'm in that space again. I want to go away and live in a hut for a few weeks, but here I am, dressing in the morning, going through the motions like nothing is wrong. But really, nothing seems right either.
I'm not making much sense...I know. But do you ever have those days where you feel like even when you're so close to accomplishing things, you will just fail in the end? I feel that way today- on a personal front, with my loved ones, with my crazy ex, and well, overall I suppose.
I wish I owned a hut on the beach in Tahiti. That's where I would rather be.
My ex is insane. If you hang around insane people for long enough, you become insane yourself. I think I might fall into this category of people.
I wonder if I'm ever meant to find peace and/or happiness? Or am I just destined to continue through this confusion?
Monday, October 02, 2006
Why do we Fall?
So that we can learn how to pick ourselves up again. Or at least, so I hope. If that's not what I'm learning here, then I'm just plain lost.
Just when you think things are going well, just when you think you can finally trust again- it hits you.
I'm wondering why I keep re-learning old lessons? Am I naive, or am I just trying to change the things that I cannot change? Like my personality perhaps, or like the way I respond to people. When I try to play mean with my ex, he wins, when I try to play nice with my ex, he wins again. Either way, I lose.
I trusted my ex with one thing- hoping perhaps we could be civil and learn to work together for the sake of the children. Today I got the worst possible kind of email, basically taking that trust, stomping all over it, and sticking it to me.
Turns out, my patience, kindness and sympathy is about to cost me about $500 a month. Ongoing. So much for being nice.
I think it's time to go back to the lawyers, and to the courts. If anyone is out there, remind me NEVER EVER to give an inch. NEVER. Because when I do, he takes a mile. Or two.
Yeah, Happy Ramadan indeed.
Man I sound bitter :)
Just when you think things are going well, just when you think you can finally trust again- it hits you.
I'm wondering why I keep re-learning old lessons? Am I naive, or am I just trying to change the things that I cannot change? Like my personality perhaps, or like the way I respond to people. When I try to play mean with my ex, he wins, when I try to play nice with my ex, he wins again. Either way, I lose.
I trusted my ex with one thing- hoping perhaps we could be civil and learn to work together for the sake of the children. Today I got the worst possible kind of email, basically taking that trust, stomping all over it, and sticking it to me.
Turns out, my patience, kindness and sympathy is about to cost me about $500 a month. Ongoing. So much for being nice.
I think it's time to go back to the lawyers, and to the courts. If anyone is out there, remind me NEVER EVER to give an inch. NEVER. Because when I do, he takes a mile. Or two.
Yeah, Happy Ramadan indeed.
Man I sound bitter :)
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Almost 7, but Going on 30
This morning I woke up to the sound of some paper. My son was reading a magazine, which I later found out was my Oprah mag. My daughter was sitting next to him, and all I could hear was "wow this is fabulous!"
Fabulous is a big word for a 6 year old child. I wanted to know what was so "fabulous". My son came running over magazine in hand, saying "mommy, mommy look at this!"
I sat up, put on my glasses and took a look. There before me was a dark wood renovated kitchen. Is this what he wanted to show me? "Honey- this is a kitchen".
"I know mommy. But look it's fabulous, and cool. Look at the dark cupboards and the metal appliances. And it makes sense. Everything is easy to reach when you need it. See the spice racks? See the pots and pans against the walls? See the big stirring spoons? You never have to open a cupboard when you're cooking. And look- see where the stools come up to the counter, they have fruit bowls ready to eat there".
I was stunned. My little guy was analyzing the operational efficiency of a kitchen in an Oprah mag at 7:30am.
"Yes sweetheart. It is fabulous. I love it. Maybe one day we can make our kitchen look like that?" YA right. When I'm a gazillionaire maybe...But why break the kid's heart? :)
"Mommy- this will look good with you in it. You love cooking and stuff...You would have way more fun in this kitchen. I'm going to give you my piggy bank money so you can have the kitchen."
Kids are too cute. I wanted to cry. I told him that he should keep his piggybank, and that maybe one day we will make our kitchen look like that. Maybe one day soon. (OK I'm lying, but still...)
He smiled and said let's see how long it takes, because he really wanted me to have that kitchen.
I'm so shocked. And touched. Man I love these children.
Fabulous is a big word for a 6 year old child. I wanted to know what was so "fabulous". My son came running over magazine in hand, saying "mommy, mommy look at this!"
I sat up, put on my glasses and took a look. There before me was a dark wood renovated kitchen. Is this what he wanted to show me? "Honey- this is a kitchen".
"I know mommy. But look it's fabulous, and cool. Look at the dark cupboards and the metal appliances. And it makes sense. Everything is easy to reach when you need it. See the spice racks? See the pots and pans against the walls? See the big stirring spoons? You never have to open a cupboard when you're cooking. And look- see where the stools come up to the counter, they have fruit bowls ready to eat there".
I was stunned. My little guy was analyzing the operational efficiency of a kitchen in an Oprah mag at 7:30am.
"Yes sweetheart. It is fabulous. I love it. Maybe one day we can make our kitchen look like that?" YA right. When I'm a gazillionaire maybe...But why break the kid's heart? :)
"Mommy- this will look good with you in it. You love cooking and stuff...You would have way more fun in this kitchen. I'm going to give you my piggy bank money so you can have the kitchen."
Kids are too cute. I wanted to cry. I told him that he should keep his piggybank, and that maybe one day we will make our kitchen look like that. Maybe one day soon. (OK I'm lying, but still...)
He smiled and said let's see how long it takes, because he really wanted me to have that kitchen.
I'm so shocked. And touched. Man I love these children.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
One Year of Blogging!
Hey! I did it! I reached a year! I've officially managed to replace my paper diary (that I have been keeping since I was 13) with a blog! How fun!
It's been neat getting people's feedback, reading comments, and getting support from the people who I rarely get to speak to, but who I hold very dear.
It's also been good for me. I think this blog single handedly helped me face some of the issues that I have kept to myself for over a decade. When you speak out loud, you have to face your problems. You can't hide from them anyone.
I've used this blog to force me to face some of the demons I've been dealing with- the abuse, the community pressure, the intrusion and comments from family and friends. And I have my few close friends (who read this blog) to thank for all of this. That and the two people who suggested I start my blog. A colleague at work, and my boss. My colleague reads this blog (and sometimes even drops his words of wisdom)...my boss doesn't. I think it would have been hard to have my boss read some of this stuff, although to be honest, he knows most of it anyhow, and has been one of the strongest supporters around me.
Either way...here I am. Let's see how long I keep it going. It's been quite a year.
It's been neat getting people's feedback, reading comments, and getting support from the people who I rarely get to speak to, but who I hold very dear.
It's also been good for me. I think this blog single handedly helped me face some of the issues that I have kept to myself for over a decade. When you speak out loud, you have to face your problems. You can't hide from them anyone.
I've used this blog to force me to face some of the demons I've been dealing with- the abuse, the community pressure, the intrusion and comments from family and friends. And I have my few close friends (who read this blog) to thank for all of this. That and the two people who suggested I start my blog. A colleague at work, and my boss. My colleague reads this blog (and sometimes even drops his words of wisdom)...my boss doesn't. I think it would have been hard to have my boss read some of this stuff, although to be honest, he knows most of it anyhow, and has been one of the strongest supporters around me.
Either way...here I am. Let's see how long I keep it going. It's been quite a year.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Open House at my Son's School
Last night I went to my son's school for an open house. He showed me around his school- the fall fair, the library, the playground, his coat hook etc etc. I saw the school at the open house last year, but for some reason, he was just as excited to show me everything again this year. I played along, acting like it was the first time I had been there. We all had a good time.
When I met his teacher, I was pleased to hear what he had to say. Apparently, the principal had told him that our divorce was finalized this summer, and to keep an eye out to make sure we know if he's emotionally well adjusted to the change. I thought that was nice of her. The teacher said that my son is doing very well, that he's really polite, and that he came in on day one saying "This is grade 2. It's a new year, but the same school. I'm going to have a great year". And apparently, he's stuck by it. He said that so far, my son seems excited to be there, and doesn't seem to be impacted by the divorce. I was really relieved.
I wonder if the divorce was the same for my children as it was for me- more of a formality, with the bigger change being the separation itself? I'm not sure, so I'll wait and see. Either way, I am very pleased. I've seen the difference in my son too- he seems more well adjusted, happier, and more comfortable speaking about his feelings when things bother him.
I think it's also a great thing that he has a male teacher. My brother in law is a Vice Principal and he once told me that little boys learn better from male teachers. I think this might be especially true for my son, mostly because he is with me more than his father, and lacks a consistent positive male role model. The best role modeling he gets today is from Rich, and I am so grateful for that. But, it's still not every day, so the thought of a male teacher for my son makes me feel comfortable. It helps that he's a young teacher, and also that he's very soft-spoken. I feel really good about the upcoming school year.
I was tucking my son in last night and I told him how pleased I was to hear what his teacher had to say. He seemed especially hard on himself, commenting on how he wished he could be as perfect as other boys that he knows. I told him that to me he is perfect, and that there is no other boy in the world that I would want in my life.
I'm a bit curious why he's comparing himself like that and feeling not good enough. I don't think I've compared him to anyone, and I think I've been good at reassuring him that he's a great kid. I'm wondering if he's trying for me, to make life easier for me? Or does he feel that everything is somehow his fault? He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure that I'm happy from now on. It's very sad, because it is not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of him.
Isn't it odd how children take a care giving role to their parents? This is yet another thing to keep an eye on. I need to make sure that my son doesn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders at the tender age of 6.
My son worries about too many things, and he takes too much on himself emotionally. He is too young to realize that he cannot and should not worry about things today that may not even become an issue tomorrow.
I know- Like mother, like son. How can I tame this in my son when I can't even control it in myself? It's like the blind leading the blind. :(
When I met his teacher, I was pleased to hear what he had to say. Apparently, the principal had told him that our divorce was finalized this summer, and to keep an eye out to make sure we know if he's emotionally well adjusted to the change. I thought that was nice of her. The teacher said that my son is doing very well, that he's really polite, and that he came in on day one saying "This is grade 2. It's a new year, but the same school. I'm going to have a great year". And apparently, he's stuck by it. He said that so far, my son seems excited to be there, and doesn't seem to be impacted by the divorce. I was really relieved.
I wonder if the divorce was the same for my children as it was for me- more of a formality, with the bigger change being the separation itself? I'm not sure, so I'll wait and see. Either way, I am very pleased. I've seen the difference in my son too- he seems more well adjusted, happier, and more comfortable speaking about his feelings when things bother him.
I think it's also a great thing that he has a male teacher. My brother in law is a Vice Principal and he once told me that little boys learn better from male teachers. I think this might be especially true for my son, mostly because he is with me more than his father, and lacks a consistent positive male role model. The best role modeling he gets today is from Rich, and I am so grateful for that. But, it's still not every day, so the thought of a male teacher for my son makes me feel comfortable. It helps that he's a young teacher, and also that he's very soft-spoken. I feel really good about the upcoming school year.
I was tucking my son in last night and I told him how pleased I was to hear what his teacher had to say. He seemed especially hard on himself, commenting on how he wished he could be as perfect as other boys that he knows. I told him that to me he is perfect, and that there is no other boy in the world that I would want in my life.
I'm a bit curious why he's comparing himself like that and feeling not good enough. I don't think I've compared him to anyone, and I think I've been good at reassuring him that he's a great kid. I'm wondering if he's trying for me, to make life easier for me? Or does he feel that everything is somehow his fault? He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure that I'm happy from now on. It's very sad, because it is not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of him.
Isn't it odd how children take a care giving role to their parents? This is yet another thing to keep an eye on. I need to make sure that my son doesn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders at the tender age of 6.
My son worries about too many things, and he takes too much on himself emotionally. He is too young to realize that he cannot and should not worry about things today that may not even become an issue tomorrow.
I know- Like mother, like son. How can I tame this in my son when I can't even control it in myself? It's like the blind leading the blind. :(
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
10 days of Peace
Joy to the world...My ex is out of town. On training. For 10 glorious days, in Arizona. I never felt so free, except when he was in Dubai. Nobody to bother me, harass me, stalk me, etc. WOW- it's better than winning the lottery!
I'm going to a dinner party on Saturday night. I would normally decline because of the chance that my ex may be invited and actually show...But now, there's no risk! I can go and have fun. What joy!
I'm half joking...But just half. After all, 50% of this is what you allow it to become. Needless to say, I've permitted things to get bad by not slapping him with a restraining order the day he returned from Dubai, or heck, by not slapping him back the first time he hit me. Either way, I do think I'm getting better at keeping him and his bad behavior contained. I am learning...
On another note, he came by on Sunday to drop off the children. In his new Volvo. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he has a new car. But he admitted that it's costing him $700 a month. And yet, the man cannot pay child support. What's the deal? If it were me, I would take a lesser car and backpay child support because they are my children (and responsibility) too. But that's just me. As it stands, he doesn't intend to back pay anything :( He does however, say that he will start paying support again in October.
Man! Either I'm a real sucker, or he has truly given me a raw deal. I keep telling myself, don't worry; all men aren't like that. There are guys out there that are very loving and responsible who would never treat a woman badly or with disrespect. At least, I hope there are. I certainly don't want to end up feeling like most men are selfish and money hungry with no care for others.
Don't get me wrong, I know many women who are like that. It's just- I'm not one of them...So IF I ever decide to get into another relationship, it would have to be with someone very giving and thoughtful, someone with integrity. Basically, the opposite of my ex. If he exists :)
Well....For now, he exists in my head. That's a good start :) At least I'm being optimistic...
I'm going to a dinner party on Saturday night. I would normally decline because of the chance that my ex may be invited and actually show...But now, there's no risk! I can go and have fun. What joy!
I'm half joking...But just half. After all, 50% of this is what you allow it to become. Needless to say, I've permitted things to get bad by not slapping him with a restraining order the day he returned from Dubai, or heck, by not slapping him back the first time he hit me. Either way, I do think I'm getting better at keeping him and his bad behavior contained. I am learning...
On another note, he came by on Sunday to drop off the children. In his new Volvo. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he has a new car. But he admitted that it's costing him $700 a month. And yet, the man cannot pay child support. What's the deal? If it were me, I would take a lesser car and backpay child support because they are my children (and responsibility) too. But that's just me. As it stands, he doesn't intend to back pay anything :( He does however, say that he will start paying support again in October.
Man! Either I'm a real sucker, or he has truly given me a raw deal. I keep telling myself, don't worry; all men aren't like that. There are guys out there that are very loving and responsible who would never treat a woman badly or with disrespect. At least, I hope there are. I certainly don't want to end up feeling like most men are selfish and money hungry with no care for others.
Don't get me wrong, I know many women who are like that. It's just- I'm not one of them...So IF I ever decide to get into another relationship, it would have to be with someone very giving and thoughtful, someone with integrity. Basically, the opposite of my ex. If he exists :)
Well....For now, he exists in my head. That's a good start :) At least I'm being optimistic...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
My Little Hockey Player
I will have to take my son to hockey on Saturday and Sunday next weekend. My ex came by today and showed me how to put on all the hockey equipment.
Honestly, I've watched hockey on TV and it's loads of fun. I don't mind watching it at all. BUT- having to dress my son in all that gear, and knowing what it's for, I don't know. I kept asking my ex all types of questions-
ME: "What's that for?"
EX: "That's his jock. It protects the family jewels"
ME: "Well- these are kids, right? It's not like anyone would hurt him, right?"
EX: "Are you kidding me? He took a stick to the crotch just this morning"
ME: "Oh MY GOD! Does he really have to play hockey? Can't we bubble wrap him or something?"
EX: "Now you're just being protective"
ME: (turning to my son) "Next week, you show me who gave you the stick to your crotch. Mommy's going to have a chit chat with that boy"
EX: "No you're not....Although this was deliberate...But still...This is hockey. You can't chit chat with the kid....next week it could be ours who gives someone else a stick. This is just how it goes"
ME: "Deliberate? Oh my GOD you must be joking! You know for a fact that this kid deliberately gave our baby a stick to the CROTCH? These kids are like, 6!!! That malicious 6 year old really needs a chit chat now!"
EX: "That's what penalties are for...for malicious or unfair tactics"
ME: "And that's it? Can't they kick him out of the league or something? Have a rule that says if you do 3 malicious actions you have to leave?"
OK- this is why I should not be taking the children to sports. Between the jock, the elbow pads, shoulder pads, knee pads, neck guard (tell me that isn't scary) and helmet with the tooth protector thing, I think I am going to have a cardiac watching his game. I'll be reading extra Ramadan prayers before leaving the house that morning. And no, I'm not joking. Not one bit.
And on that note....What the heck are they doing scheduling 6am hockey on a weekend? For 6 year old boys? Don't people sleep???
Sigh. I know- I do this cuz my son loves it. But really- couldn't he love basketball or something? My ex insisted that every Canadian child should know how to play ice hockey. I reluctantly agreed.
Now I'm just scared. I'm an overprotective mom. I know. I can't help it.
Honestly, I've watched hockey on TV and it's loads of fun. I don't mind watching it at all. BUT- having to dress my son in all that gear, and knowing what it's for, I don't know. I kept asking my ex all types of questions-
ME: "What's that for?"
EX: "That's his jock. It protects the family jewels"
ME: "Well- these are kids, right? It's not like anyone would hurt him, right?"
EX: "Are you kidding me? He took a stick to the crotch just this morning"
ME: "Oh MY GOD! Does he really have to play hockey? Can't we bubble wrap him or something?"
EX: "Now you're just being protective"
ME: (turning to my son) "Next week, you show me who gave you the stick to your crotch. Mommy's going to have a chit chat with that boy"
EX: "No you're not....Although this was deliberate...But still...This is hockey. You can't chit chat with the kid....next week it could be ours who gives someone else a stick. This is just how it goes"
ME: "Deliberate? Oh my GOD you must be joking! You know for a fact that this kid deliberately gave our baby a stick to the CROTCH? These kids are like, 6!!! That malicious 6 year old really needs a chit chat now!"
EX: "That's what penalties are for...for malicious or unfair tactics"
ME: "And that's it? Can't they kick him out of the league or something? Have a rule that says if you do 3 malicious actions you have to leave?"
OK- this is why I should not be taking the children to sports. Between the jock, the elbow pads, shoulder pads, knee pads, neck guard (tell me that isn't scary) and helmet with the tooth protector thing, I think I am going to have a cardiac watching his game. I'll be reading extra Ramadan prayers before leaving the house that morning. And no, I'm not joking. Not one bit.
And on that note....What the heck are they doing scheduling 6am hockey on a weekend? For 6 year old boys? Don't people sleep???
Sigh. I know- I do this cuz my son loves it. But really- couldn't he love basketball or something? My ex insisted that every Canadian child should know how to play ice hockey. I reluctantly agreed.
Now I'm just scared. I'm an overprotective mom. I know. I can't help it.
Following a Scientific Method?
Now THAT's progress!
I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday and she told me that the majority of Muslim groups have agreed to follow a more scientific method for predicting the Muslim calendar dates. This means that we would know when Ramadan would start, or when Eid will occur, potentially even months beforehand. Now that is just awesome. One less thing to be embarrassed about :)
I think some Imams must have read my blog entries from last year :)
I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday and she told me that the majority of Muslim groups have agreed to follow a more scientific method for predicting the Muslim calendar dates. This means that we would know when Ramadan would start, or when Eid will occur, potentially even months beforehand. Now that is just awesome. One less thing to be embarrassed about :)
I think some Imams must have read my blog entries from last year :)
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Happy Ramadan
Well, it's Ramadan. Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim friends! I've been trying to keep this Ramadan busy so I don't act like such a hermit, like last year. So far, I've booked every Saturday for the next for weeks, as well as two Sundays...and I've made arrangements with family on the weekdays. I'm also going to take my children to the mosque a few times...Let's see if my faith gets uplifted in any way :)
I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.
I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)
I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.
I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
One Week 'Till Ramadan
Where do the weekends go?? I spent some time with friends on Saturday night, went to a baby shower, went to the gym, cleaned the house...And now it's over :(
Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!
Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.
So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.
This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.
Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.
Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...
Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!
Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.
So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.
This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.
Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.
Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...
Friday, September 15, 2006
From the Horse's Mouth
My son has a PD day today (what the heck- school just started and teachers are already getting time off. Sheesh!)
Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.
I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.
I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.
I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.
My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.
That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.
Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.
Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.
I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?
Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.
I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.
I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.
I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.
My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.
That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.
Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.
Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.
I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Saved by a Diet Pepsi
It was raining today. Traffic was slow. It took me 2 hours to drive into work. Now that is brutal. Maybe it's just me, but something just feels so wrong about getting up at 5:30 and then STILL trailing into the office at 9:30, especially when you left the house at 7:30. GRRR
Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.
Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.
You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.
So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)
That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.
I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM
Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.
Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.
You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.
So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)
That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.
I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Still on Track
I love it. My routine is still working. The ex is keeping his distance (probably because of his new job), and I am finally feeling like I can breathe. If I can keep things on track, I will be one permanently happy camper.
I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.
On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.
I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"
He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".
He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.
I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.
On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.
I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"
He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".
He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Chat with the Ex
I had an msn chat with my ex this morning. I saw him online and went by a gut instinct and unblocked him to see what he would say. I figured if he caught me online, it would remove the emotion from our discussions and perhaps give him a chance to have his say. I'm actually glad I did.
I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.
Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.
The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.
I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.
Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.
The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.
Friday, September 08, 2006
5 Changes
I've decided not to let my ex's craziness bother me. He's still at it, but he is toning it down a bit, resorting to phoning me and harassing, but has left my friends and family alone for the most part. It makes me feel like I have a bit of breathing space. The newly found breathing space got me thinking about what I need in my life to feel like a whole person again. Honestly, I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off for so long, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to stop running in "over-drive mode".
So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.
1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.
2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good
3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!
4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result
5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.
I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.
So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.
1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.
2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good
3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!
4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result
5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.
I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Back into the Swing of things
I'm hoping for no more glitches. I know that my ex has a tendency to throw my life off with little or no effort, but as of now, I'm feeling a bit more stable. The children are set in their routine (I hope), and I've got their before/after school care all arranged. I found a fantastic after school program for my son. They will pick him up from school, drive to their facility, do 30 mins homework, 15 minutes snack and a 45 minute karate class, followed by arts and crafts each day before I pick him up at 6pm. I figure if nothing else, the karate class should be good for his confidence, self esteem, and focus. Not that my son needs it, but you can never go wrong with extra discipline in those areas. Especially if you are an active 6 year old boy.
My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.
As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.
I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)
My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.
As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.
I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Holding Strong
I took a few days away. I took Friday off and went to visit a friend for the weekend. We had a nice time, went to see a show, hung out, went for long walks. I'm feeling a lot better now, and I feel like I can face the world again. Thank God for good friends.
As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.
Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.
Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.
At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!
As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.
Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.
Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.
At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Here we go Again
It never ends. Never, never, never! I'm starting to feel like I am one of those people who is just meant to have complications in her life. I've been trying not to be negative, but it's just really hard. I've also learned that no matter what, we have to be grateful for the friends around us, but at the end of the day, we all stand alone. Friends can help to cheer you up, to keep your spirits up, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own well being. You cannot expect anyone else to stand for you the way you can stand for yourself. We are ultimately responsible for our own safety.
So, the past week has been chalk full of my ex's insanity. He's been stalking me again, behaving erratically and just being an overall pain. I thought that on Wed at my daughter's soccer game, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong.
Friday August 25- My ex starts calling a community leader and shows up at his house requesting that he help to reconcile my marriage. He basically wanted this person to go to my father and persuade him to talk to me. (What the heck? Am I an idiot? Do I not have a say in anything? Why would you send anyone to my father?). Thankfully, this person refused the request.
Saturday August 26- My ex goes to my parent's home, accompanied by 2 of his brothers, his mother, his friend, and a different community leader, requesting to speak to my father. I'm not kidding. This is the most insanity I've ever heard of. Who does this stuff? They were basically there to request that my father speak to me and persuade me to reconcile for the sake of the children. My ex claims that he has changed, yada yada etc etc. Anyhow, my dad is stunned. He asks where the heck everyone was for the past 2 1/2 years, like before the divorce. He asks them to leave, and advises that he will not speak to me, and that furthermore, even if I wanted to reconcile, he would never let me do it. Go daddy go!
Saturday August 26- My brother calls me and advises that he has received an email from my ex requesting an opportunity to meet and to prove that he has changed and that he has an undying amount of love for me. I tell my brother that if he meets him, we are through. DO NOT MEET!
Saturday August 26- My ex calls Rich's house while I am there and goes through the same shpeel with him. ***sigh*** I am getting so irritated by this point. Why do people give him the time of day?
Sunday August 27- I get a call from a friend who wants to talk. This person advises me that my ex is basically obsessed and that he (my friend) is concerned for my safety. He doesn't know what my ex is doing, but is concerned that he may "go off the deep end".
Monday August 28- I am leaving the house at 7:30am and the phone rings. I pick up without looking at the call display because I'm in such a hurry to get out the door. It's my ex. He wants to come over and deliver a letter to me. I refuse and tell him not to come to my house. He insists that I must read the letter. I tell him that if he comes to my home, I will call the police. He tries to give me a guilt trip- we were married for 15 years and now I can't even spare a minute for him, etc etc. I tell him no I can't and hang up.
Monday August 28- It's 8am. I'm driving into the office. My phone rings. It's Mich. My ex has come to their home unannounced, asking to speak to Rich, letter in hand. I tell her no way, send him away tell him to leave. I speak to Rich, and ask him to make him leave. He says ok. Now I'm really stressed.
I call the office and speak to my girlfriend. By this time, the stress is getting to me and I'm crying hysterically. I'm afraid for my safety because he's acting crazy, and I'm really annoyed by all the harassment. I get to the office, still crying, and she takes the day off to spend with me and calm me down. Saved.
On Tuesday, I went to the courts to find out my options, and spoke to a lawyer. I know what my options are. I'm just waiting a couple of days to decide what I want to do next.
Honestly, crazy people should be locked away forever. The laws are too weak and don't do enough to protect single mothers with psycho ex husbands. I went into the office yesterday, but had a really hard time focusing. I'm working from home today, taking the day off tomorrow to visit a friend, and working from home Tuesday to see the children off on their first day of school. Hopefully by next week, I'll be doing better.
Damn him. Why does he have to be so crazy?
So, the past week has been chalk full of my ex's insanity. He's been stalking me again, behaving erratically and just being an overall pain. I thought that on Wed at my daughter's soccer game, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong.
Friday August 25- My ex starts calling a community leader and shows up at his house requesting that he help to reconcile my marriage. He basically wanted this person to go to my father and persuade him to talk to me. (What the heck? Am I an idiot? Do I not have a say in anything? Why would you send anyone to my father?). Thankfully, this person refused the request.
Saturday August 26- My ex goes to my parent's home, accompanied by 2 of his brothers, his mother, his friend, and a different community leader, requesting to speak to my father. I'm not kidding. This is the most insanity I've ever heard of. Who does this stuff? They were basically there to request that my father speak to me and persuade me to reconcile for the sake of the children. My ex claims that he has changed, yada yada etc etc. Anyhow, my dad is stunned. He asks where the heck everyone was for the past 2 1/2 years, like before the divorce. He asks them to leave, and advises that he will not speak to me, and that furthermore, even if I wanted to reconcile, he would never let me do it. Go daddy go!
Saturday August 26- My brother calls me and advises that he has received an email from my ex requesting an opportunity to meet and to prove that he has changed and that he has an undying amount of love for me. I tell my brother that if he meets him, we are through. DO NOT MEET!
Saturday August 26- My ex calls Rich's house while I am there and goes through the same shpeel with him. ***sigh*** I am getting so irritated by this point. Why do people give him the time of day?
Sunday August 27- I get a call from a friend who wants to talk. This person advises me that my ex is basically obsessed and that he (my friend) is concerned for my safety. He doesn't know what my ex is doing, but is concerned that he may "go off the deep end".
Monday August 28- I am leaving the house at 7:30am and the phone rings. I pick up without looking at the call display because I'm in such a hurry to get out the door. It's my ex. He wants to come over and deliver a letter to me. I refuse and tell him not to come to my house. He insists that I must read the letter. I tell him that if he comes to my home, I will call the police. He tries to give me a guilt trip- we were married for 15 years and now I can't even spare a minute for him, etc etc. I tell him no I can't and hang up.
Monday August 28- It's 8am. I'm driving into the office. My phone rings. It's Mich. My ex has come to their home unannounced, asking to speak to Rich, letter in hand. I tell her no way, send him away tell him to leave. I speak to Rich, and ask him to make him leave. He says ok. Now I'm really stressed.
I call the office and speak to my girlfriend. By this time, the stress is getting to me and I'm crying hysterically. I'm afraid for my safety because he's acting crazy, and I'm really annoyed by all the harassment. I get to the office, still crying, and she takes the day off to spend with me and calm me down. Saved.
On Tuesday, I went to the courts to find out my options, and spoke to a lawyer. I know what my options are. I'm just waiting a couple of days to decide what I want to do next.
Honestly, crazy people should be locked away forever. The laws are too weak and don't do enough to protect single mothers with psycho ex husbands. I went into the office yesterday, but had a really hard time focusing. I'm working from home today, taking the day off tomorrow to visit a friend, and working from home Tuesday to see the children off on their first day of school. Hopefully by next week, I'll be doing better.
Damn him. Why does he have to be so crazy?
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