A few days ago, around the time when I first caught my ex stalking around my house, I thought I had forgiven him for the past. Up until that point, things had been relatively calm. In fact, even when I saw him outside my house, and he sat there in front of me crying away, I actually felt sorry for him. The anger and fear didn't kick in until a few days later.
But here's the thing. I know forgiveness is a good thing. I know it's nice to forgive people. I know it's nice to wish them well despite their wrong doings, and I thought I had forgiven my ex. But I haven't. Because as a good friend once told me, you cannot forgive something that hasn't changed. I can't forgive him if he's still doing it. I can't heal until this is over, so I cannot forgive.
Yesterday at 4pm, my ex showed up here with the children's hockey equipment. He kept ringing the doorbell and I didn't answer because he didn't plan the visit with me, and I was on a conference call for the office. It was embarrassing enough that my doorbell was ringing during the call. When he called later and asked why I wouldn't answer the door, I got upset and told him that if he didn't schedule a time with me I would either refuse to answer or call the police if he continues to harass me like ringing the bell over and over or looking in through my windows as he did yesterday. I know he was trying to see if I was home, but it still bothered me nonetheless.
As things get more intense between my ex and I, that feeling of closure that I was starting to get is slipping away more and more, to the point where I still wish him well, but not necessarily because I'm a good person or anything like that.
I do want him to be happy, because he's the father of my children. The way I see it, if he is happy, it will be good for the childrens' mental state of mind. Also, if he moves on with his life and meets someone, it will mean that he may potentially just leave me alone. Call me selfish, but that's where I'm at.
Hey- at least I still wish him well right? I think that is good enough for now, especially given the emotional garbage I've been going through lately.
2 comments:
What he needs to get is a punching bag to come home to every night to beat up every night.
He doesn't deserve to be with anyone. He will abuse whomever he is with. Do you want some other girl to be abused, in many different ways, and go through what you've gone through? Of course not.
I don't understand how you can even wish him well.
And it is certainly understandable if you can't forgive him or even accept his apologies.
I wish him well because it's alot better for me than harbouring hostility. The anger just isn't good for my own mental state or for my physical health. It's sometimes better to hope someone can become a better person and change, and have a happy life. Wishing them horrible things isn't good for me, or for him. (Oprah once said forgiveness is sometimes a selfish act, more for your own good than for the other person. I wholeheartedly agree) :)
But you're right- I cannot forgive him (yet) nor can I accept any of his apologies.
At the end of the day, I do recognize that I am too trusting, and that I may not be the best judge of character. It's true. I know this is part of the reason why I keep going through the same things over and over again. I just want to find a healthy balance where I'm able to be a good person and want the best for others, but still be smart enough to know when I'm being taken for a ride.
I think I'm getting there, but unfortunately, the process is a very slow one.
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