Open House at my Son's School

Last night I went to my son's school for an open house. He showed me around his school- the fall fair, the library, the playground, his coat hook etc etc. I saw the school at the open house last year, but for some reason, he was just as excited to show me everything again this year. I played along, acting like it was the first time I had been there. We all had a good time.

When I met his teacher, I was pleased to hear what he had to say. Apparently, the principal had told him that our divorce was finalized this summer, and to keep an eye out to make sure we know if he's emotionally well adjusted to the change. I thought that was nice of her. The teacher said that my son is doing very well, that he's really polite, and that he came in on day one saying "This is grade 2. It's a new year, but the same school. I'm going to have a great year". And apparently, he's stuck by it. He said that so far, my son seems excited to be there, and doesn't seem to be impacted by the divorce. I was really relieved.

I wonder if the divorce was the same for my children as it was for me- more of a formality, with the bigger change being the separation itself? I'm not sure, so I'll wait and see. Either way, I am very pleased. I've seen the difference in my son too- he seems more well adjusted, happier, and more comfortable speaking about his feelings when things bother him.

I think it's also a great thing that he has a male teacher. My brother in law is a Vice Principal and he once told me that little boys learn better from male teachers. I think this might be especially true for my son, mostly because he is with me more than his father, and lacks a consistent positive male role model. The best role modeling he gets today is from Rich, and I am so grateful for that. But, it's still not every day, so the thought of a male teacher for my son makes me feel comfortable. It helps that he's a young teacher, and also that he's very soft-spoken. I feel really good about the upcoming school year.

I was tucking my son in last night and I told him how pleased I was to hear what his teacher had to say. He seemed especially hard on himself, commenting on how he wished he could be as perfect as other boys that he knows. I told him that to me he is perfect, and that there is no other boy in the world that I would want in my life.

I'm a bit curious why he's comparing himself like that and feeling not good enough. I don't think I've compared him to anyone, and I think I've been good at reassuring him that he's a great kid. I'm wondering if he's trying for me, to make life easier for me? Or does he feel that everything is somehow his fault? He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure that I'm happy from now on. It's very sad, because it is not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of him.

Isn't it odd how children take a care giving role to their parents? This is yet another thing to keep an eye on. I need to make sure that my son doesn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders at the tender age of 6.

My son worries about too many things, and he takes too much on himself emotionally. He is too young to realize that he cannot and should not worry about things today that may not even become an issue tomorrow.

I know- Like mother, like son. How can I tame this in my son when I can't even control it in myself? It's like the blind leading the blind. :(

10 days of Peace

Joy to the world...My ex is out of town. On training. For 10 glorious days, in Arizona. I never felt so free, except when he was in Dubai. Nobody to bother me, harass me, stalk me, etc. WOW- it's better than winning the lottery!

I'm going to a dinner party on Saturday night. I would normally decline because of the chance that my ex may be invited and actually show...But now, there's no risk! I can go and have fun. What joy!

I'm half joking...But just half. After all, 50% of this is what you allow it to become. Needless to say, I've permitted things to get bad by not slapping him with a restraining order the day he returned from Dubai, or heck, by not slapping him back the first time he hit me. Either way, I do think I'm getting better at keeping him and his bad behavior contained. I am learning...

On another note, he came by on Sunday to drop off the children. In his new Volvo. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he has a new car. But he admitted that it's costing him $700 a month. And yet, the man cannot pay child support. What's the deal? If it were me, I would take a lesser car and backpay child support because they are my children (and responsibility) too. But that's just me. As it stands, he doesn't intend to back pay anything :( He does however, say that he will start paying support again in October.

Man! Either I'm a real sucker, or he has truly given me a raw deal. I keep telling myself, don't worry; all men aren't like that. There are guys out there that are very loving and responsible who would never treat a woman badly or with disrespect. At least, I hope there are. I certainly don't want to end up feeling like most men are selfish and money hungry with no care for others.

Don't get me wrong, I know many women who are like that. It's just- I'm not one of them...So IF I ever decide to get into another relationship, it would have to be with someone very giving and thoughtful, someone with integrity. Basically, the opposite of my ex. If he exists :)

Well....For now, he exists in my head. That's a good start :) At least I'm being optimistic...

My Little Hockey Player

I will have to take my son to hockey on Saturday and Sunday next weekend. My ex came by today and showed me how to put on all the hockey equipment.

Honestly, I've watched hockey on TV and it's loads of fun. I don't mind watching it at all. BUT- having to dress my son in all that gear, and knowing what it's for, I don't know. I kept asking my ex all types of questions-

ME: "What's that for?"
EX: "That's his jock. It protects the family jewels"
ME: "Well- these are kids, right? It's not like anyone would hurt him, right?"
EX: "Are you kidding me? He took a stick to the crotch just this morning"
ME: "Oh MY GOD! Does he really have to play hockey? Can't we bubble wrap him or something?"
EX: "Now you're just being protective"
ME: (turning to my son) "Next week, you show me who gave you the stick to your crotch. Mommy's going to have a chit chat with that boy"
EX: "No you're not....Although this was deliberate...But still...This is hockey. You can't chit chat with the kid....next week it could be ours who gives someone else a stick. This is just how it goes"
ME: "Deliberate? Oh my GOD you must be joking! You know for a fact that this kid deliberately gave our baby a stick to the CROTCH? These kids are like, 6!!! That malicious 6 year old really needs a chit chat now!"
EX: "That's what penalties are for...for malicious or unfair tactics"
ME: "And that's it? Can't they kick him out of the league or something? Have a rule that says if you do 3 malicious actions you have to leave?"


OK- this is why I should not be taking the children to sports. Between the jock, the elbow pads, shoulder pads, knee pads, neck guard (tell me that isn't scary) and helmet with the tooth protector thing, I think I am going to have a cardiac watching his game. I'll be reading extra Ramadan prayers before leaving the house that morning. And no, I'm not joking. Not one bit.

And on that note....What the heck are they doing scheduling 6am hockey on a weekend? For 6 year old boys? Don't people sleep???

Sigh. I know- I do this cuz my son loves it. But really- couldn't he love basketball or something? My ex insisted that every Canadian child should know how to play ice hockey. I reluctantly agreed.

Now I'm just scared. I'm an overprotective mom. I know. I can't help it.

Following a Scientific Method?

Now THAT's progress!

I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday and she told me that the majority of Muslim groups have agreed to follow a more scientific method for predicting the Muslim calendar dates. This means that we would know when Ramadan would start, or when Eid will occur, potentially even months beforehand. Now that is just awesome. One less thing to be embarrassed about :)

I think some Imams must have read my blog entries from last year :)

Happy Ramadan

Well, it's Ramadan. Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim friends! I've been trying to keep this Ramadan busy so I don't act like such a hermit, like last year. So far, I've booked every Saturday for the next for weeks, as well as two Sundays...and I've made arrangements with family on the weekdays. I'm also going to take my children to the mosque a few times...Let's see if my faith gets uplifted in any way :)

I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.

I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)

Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk

If only I knew this when I was 14...sigh. Enough said.

How Can you Spot a Jerk?

One Week 'Till Ramadan

Where do the weekends go?? I spent some time with friends on Saturday night, went to a baby shower, went to the gym, cleaned the house...And now it's over :(

Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!

Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.

So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.

This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.

Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.

Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...

From the Horse's Mouth

My son has a PD day today (what the heck- school just started and teachers are already getting time off. Sheesh!)

Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.

I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.

I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.

I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.

My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.

That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.

Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.

Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?

Saved by a Diet Pepsi

It was raining today. Traffic was slow. It took me 2 hours to drive into work. Now that is brutal. Maybe it's just me, but something just feels so wrong about getting up at 5:30 and then STILL trailing into the office at 9:30, especially when you left the house at 7:30. GRRR

Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.

Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.

You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.

So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)

That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.

I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM

Still on Track

I love it. My routine is still working. The ex is keeping his distance (probably because of his new job), and I am finally feeling like I can breathe. If I can keep things on track, I will be one permanently happy camper.

I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.

On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.

I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"

He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".

He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.

Chat with the Ex

I had an msn chat with my ex this morning. I saw him online and went by a gut instinct and unblocked him to see what he would say. I figured if he caught me online, it would remove the emotion from our discussions and perhaps give him a chance to have his say. I'm actually glad I did.

I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.

Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.

The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.

5 Changes

I've decided not to let my ex's craziness bother me. He's still at it, but he is toning it down a bit, resorting to phoning me and harassing, but has left my friends and family alone for the most part. It makes me feel like I have a bit of breathing space. The newly found breathing space got me thinking about what I need in my life to feel like a whole person again. Honestly, I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off for so long, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to stop running in "over-drive mode".

So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.

1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.

2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good

3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!

4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result

5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.

I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.

Back into the Swing of things

I'm hoping for no more glitches. I know that my ex has a tendency to throw my life off with little or no effort, but as of now, I'm feeling a bit more stable. The children are set in their routine (I hope), and I've got their before/after school care all arranged. I found a fantastic after school program for my son. They will pick him up from school, drive to their facility, do 30 mins homework, 15 minutes snack and a 45 minute karate class, followed by arts and crafts each day before I pick him up at 6pm. I figure if nothing else, the karate class should be good for his confidence, self esteem, and focus. Not that my son needs it, but you can never go wrong with extra discipline in those areas. Especially if you are an active 6 year old boy.

My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.

As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.

I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)

Holding Strong

I took a few days away. I took Friday off and went to visit a friend for the weekend. We had a nice time, went to see a show, hung out, went for long walks. I'm feeling a lot better now, and I feel like I can face the world again. Thank God for good friends.

As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.

Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.

Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.

At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!

Here we go Again

It never ends. Never, never, never! I'm starting to feel like I am one of those people who is just meant to have complications in her life. I've been trying not to be negative, but it's just really hard. I've also learned that no matter what, we have to be grateful for the friends around us, but at the end of the day, we all stand alone. Friends can help to cheer you up, to keep your spirits up, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own well being. You cannot expect anyone else to stand for you the way you can stand for yourself. We are ultimately responsible for our own safety.

So, the past week has been chalk full of my ex's insanity. He's been stalking me again, behaving erratically and just being an overall pain. I thought that on Wed at my daughter's soccer game, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong.

Friday August 25- My ex starts calling a community leader and shows up at his house requesting that he help to reconcile my marriage. He basically wanted this person to go to my father and persuade him to talk to me. (What the heck? Am I an idiot? Do I not have a say in anything? Why would you send anyone to my father?). Thankfully, this person refused the request.

Saturday August 26- My ex goes to my parent's home, accompanied by 2 of his brothers, his mother, his friend, and a different community leader, requesting to speak to my father. I'm not kidding. This is the most insanity I've ever heard of. Who does this stuff? They were basically there to request that my father speak to me and persuade me to reconcile for the sake of the children. My ex claims that he has changed, yada yada etc etc. Anyhow, my dad is stunned. He asks where the heck everyone was for the past 2 1/2 years, like before the divorce. He asks them to leave, and advises that he will not speak to me, and that furthermore, even if I wanted to reconcile, he would never let me do it. Go daddy go!

Saturday August 26- My brother calls me and advises that he has received an email from my ex requesting an opportunity to meet and to prove that he has changed and that he has an undying amount of love for me. I tell my brother that if he meets him, we are through. DO NOT MEET!

Saturday August 26- My ex calls Rich's house while I am there and goes through the same shpeel with him. ***sigh*** I am getting so irritated by this point. Why do people give him the time of day?

Sunday August 27- I get a call from a friend who wants to talk. This person advises me that my ex is basically obsessed and that he (my friend) is concerned for my safety. He doesn't know what my ex is doing, but is concerned that he may "go off the deep end".

Monday August 28- I am leaving the house at 7:30am and the phone rings. I pick up without looking at the call display because I'm in such a hurry to get out the door. It's my ex. He wants to come over and deliver a letter to me. I refuse and tell him not to come to my house. He insists that I must read the letter. I tell him that if he comes to my home, I will call the police. He tries to give me a guilt trip- we were married for 15 years and now I can't even spare a minute for him, etc etc. I tell him no I can't and hang up.

Monday August 28- It's 8am. I'm driving into the office. My phone rings. It's Mich. My ex has come to their home unannounced, asking to speak to Rich, letter in hand. I tell her no way, send him away tell him to leave. I speak to Rich, and ask him to make him leave. He says ok. Now I'm really stressed.

I call the office and speak to my girlfriend. By this time, the stress is getting to me and I'm crying hysterically. I'm afraid for my safety because he's acting crazy, and I'm really annoyed by all the harassment. I get to the office, still crying, and she takes the day off to spend with me and calm me down. Saved.

On Tuesday, I went to the courts to find out my options, and spoke to a lawyer. I know what my options are. I'm just waiting a couple of days to decide what I want to do next.

Honestly, crazy people should be locked away forever. The laws are too weak and don't do enough to protect single mothers with psycho ex husbands. I went into the office yesterday, but had a really hard time focusing. I'm working from home today, taking the day off tomorrow to visit a friend, and working from home Tuesday to see the children off on their first day of school. Hopefully by next week, I'll be doing better.

Damn him. Why does he have to be so crazy?

Working from Home

I'll be working from home on Thursday and Friday this week and next. I've had some daycare issues...Did not realize that the daycare ended its summer program for the last two weeks of August. I've found a babysitter for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays, but have nobody for Thursday and Friday. Thankfully my boss is super understanding and has no issue with the extra flexibility. In return...I do my best to work really hard, despite the distraction of the children being home with me. For the most part they are pretty good...They watch TV, play games, play in the backyard, so I can't complain. Still, I won't lie and pretend that it isn't easier to work from home when it's just me here. Then again, I welcome the extra time with the kids in their home.

I went for my physical check up today. It's been two years since my last one, so I got some scolding from my doctor. He says that especially given all the stress that I've been under these past two years, I shouldn't be neglecting my health. Stress has severe impacts on the body so I should be more responsible. Either way, he was pleased to see that all my vitals were textbook perfect. ECG, blood pressure, etc...All clear. Let's just wait and see how the bloodwork turns out. He said that he is pleasantly surprised. He apparently was expecting to find me a mess after everything I've been through. Apparently I'm more resilient than any of us anticipated. Brownie points for me. Thank God for sticking by me on this one.

Final Soccer Game- Thank GOD

Tonight was my daughter's last soccer game. It was nice to see her play, but I'm actually glad it's over. My ex is using these games as an opportunity to harass me. Tonight he went on with the chatter...random topics- how are you, have you seen any good movies, remember the good times we used to have, yada yada yada. I'm just glad I won't have to deal with him anymore....until hockey season starts up I guess...

I love the friend who posted the comment about there always being light at the end of the tunnel, but that some tunnels are longer than we hoped. That actually has given me renewed hope. Maybe it's not fair, but truthfully, my journey with this marriage and divorce has been a few years too long. I am hoping that light will shine through soon enough....a special thank you to my girlfriend for her words of wisdom :)

So Rich has written an outstanding letter for my ex's lawyer. I'm feeling better now. I think I will be able to do this on my own...without retaining a full time lawyer (thanks to my FREE LAWYER!). Thank God for good friends.

Will the Weirdness EVER End??

SO....

I went to watch my son at his final soccer game last night. My ex, of course is the coach. He decided not to coach and to spend the entire hour talking to me. I told him I was not interested in talking but...That never seems to work.

He started off by saying that he is glad that I am moving on...That I have many friends, that I seem to be enjoying life, that I seem happy. He then went on to ask if I was seeing anyone. I said that it was not any of his business, and that he shouldn't be asking me these types of questions. He basically said that he still hoped we would be able to resolve things, and somehow get back together. He said that he still loved me. I told him that people who love don't punch eachother in the face. Furthermore, I told him that things have progressed much too far. It is much to late for that, and if he really cared, he would wish me well, and want me to meet a nice man and be happy.

He didn't seem so happy.

Anyhow...It was an awkward and uncomfortable experience. I'm glad it's over. I basically told him to move on and meet someone, to find happiness, and to wish me well. When the conversation persisted, I asked him to not be obsessive...To please just be happy and let me be. I admitted to casually being introduced to people, but did not talk beyond that.

I feel sad for him...But really...What am I to do? I had to tell him the truth...That I have NO desire to get back together...The divorce is finally over...I just want to move on. I want to be free.

GOD...Are all men this difficult, or do I just know how to pick 'em?

I really truly just want him to be happy....Then he will leave me alone. When I basically said that I was not interested, he got back to the re-opened custody dispute...When would I reply to the lawyers...We are going to hash it out in court...blah blah blah.

I chose not to answer. I feel stronger, but I know that I am taking strength from the people around me who hold me up and make me feel secure.

Tonight, I go to Rich's to review our court strategy. Hold on...Here we go again...

Mending the Emotional Wounds

I spent the past few days basically trying to get my emotional headspace back. I'm feeling normal again, thanks to ALL my friends. This one took alot of support from around 10 friends who knew when to push me and when to back off, and I'll be eternally grateful to them for not letting me drown. I also went to visit a friend this weekend, and now I'm feeling emotionally golden and solid again. Thank God for good friends.

So, I've given this alot of thought, and I have a game plan. Thank God for the people who helped me put it together, but basically, I'm going to represent myself with the assistance of Rich, who is an LLB. I'll go to a lawyer to look over my case before I go to court, to give us any tips etc if we need them. I just can't afford a lawyer right now, and besides....I can talk as well as the next guy :)

I am going to bring up everything in court. The way I see it, I need to bury this as deep as I can so it sticks for as long as possible. This is the only way to do it. The past two years of emotional healing should be enough to help me through the ordeal...if not, some psychologist somewhere will make a heck of alot of money. Joking of course.

Anyhow, that's the story...let's see how it unfolds.

Soccer Mom, Lawyer's Letter

So, this was my first week on my own with the children, without my ex's help in the weekdays. It's very tiring, not to mention the late working nights to catch up. My kids had soccer Monday night and Wednesday night (tonight). I had to leave the office at 4pm both days. Getting in at 9:30 is not good for the schedule either...So I have to work late at night to make up for the short day. After all, my work still has to get done. The lack of sleep resulting from the late nights is bad for me too. So I think I'm creating a bad cycle. I'll have to figure this one out.

So- here is my week so far. Monday- My mom had her angiogram. All went well. No blockages. I cannot describe how incredibly relieved I was to hear the news. My mom being the superwoman she is, thought she would be able to go back to work the next day. We had to force her to take the week off work. Actually, I had to call her office and advise them that she won't be coming in. She was furious, but at least we are forcing her to rest after the test. I am starting to realize that I am a lot like my mom. Now that is scary.

Monday night, I had to take my son to soccer. Since I've told my ex that he can't have the children on weeknights anymore, I had to take him myself. The weird thing is that my ex is the soccer coach, so he was there when I got there. I saw all the parents looking at me when I got there. It was my first time attending a game. I can only imagine what he's said about me to those people. They must think I'm a witch or something. Then again...Who cares? I'll never see them again in my life anyways.

There have been many times in the past where I have contemplated going to the children's games. I haven't gone because I didn't want to confuse the children by having both their parents present together, or by having us present but apart so they would have to explain it to their friends. I just thought it was easier for them if I stepped out. It was hard to do, but I did it for them. Now that I won't let him have the kids on weekdays, and since he is the coach, I've put myself in the very situation I've been trying to avoid for the past year. **Sigh. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is my daughter's soccer night. I took my children to the field, only to see my ex there. He is not her soccer coach, so this was a bit of a surprise. I asked what he was doing there and he muttered something about being entitled to watch his children play soccer and that I had no right to tell him otherwise. I stepped down and decided not to argue the point, because I think he may be right. I'm not sure what the legal answer is to that, and besides, I'm not trying to be spiteful here, just trying to protect the children. As long as I'm there, they are protected, so I decided to be fair about everything and not to argue with him. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't bother me to see him there. It did. But I think that's why he was there. Either way, I am glad that I got to see my daughter play soccer. She's pretty good, in fact, she plays even better than my son. I was very impressed to see her running and kicking her little heart out. That's my baby! You go girl!

Anyhow, after the game I was talking to one of the moms from my daughter's school. She is also a single mom and her ex lives in Jamaica. For some bizarre reason she kept going on and on about how lucky I am that my ex lives in the country and is an involved father and is around to provide positive role modeling to my children. Positive role modeling my foot. She has no clue what I've been through with this man. And my ex, who was within earshot had a huge smirk on his face. Great...Just what I needed. Fuel his flames some more. Thanks chick. I needed that like I need a hole in the head. Anyhow, I'm sure I'll have to deal with that backlash at some point or another.

I'm hanging in as best as I can, but I have to be honest. I do not see an end to all this crap. Some days things just feel so totally hopeless, I wonder why I bother wasting my energy when I never seem to win or get anywhere.

Here is the kicker...The best part. On our way home, I checked the mail. In the mail, I found a priority post letter from my ex's lawyer. It turns out he wants 50/50 access to the children. Here are a few key points from the letter:

• Apparently, I am treating this like a dictatorship. Since we have joint custody, I cannot make unilateral decisions about the children's schooling, and which school they attend. My ex wants them in an Islamic School, I want them in Public School. The way I see it, he doesn't PAY for any of it so why should he have a say? I am paying for all the day care and after school support so really, it should be my decision. I'm not particularly concerned about this one. There isn't a court in the country that can force me to send my children to Islamic school instead of Public School. I'm sure to win this one. And not to be mean, but given the current political environment and the negative publicity Muslims have been receiving, I'm sure to win this anyways. Sorry Muslim friends...but you know I'm right...
  
• He now wants 50/50 time with the children. Meaning 2-3 weekdays plus every other weekend.
  
• He wants to be able to enrol them in more extra-curricular activities. I previously agreed to one activity per week per child. I mean, he's not employed so where does he expect to pay for all this from? Apparently, I'm being unreasonable.
• I have until Aug 25 to reply or else he's taking me to court.

OK- WHAT THE HELL? I mean honestly! Here is what's making me angry:

• He doesn't have the money to pay child support for those children, but somehow he's managed to retain a lawyer! Not a legal aid lawyer but a REAL lawyer! How is that possible?
• He doesn't have the money for child support but he has the money for extra curricular activities
  
• With me carrying all the expenses for the children, I cannot afford a lawyer, so I'm basically screwed. I'll have to represent myself in court. Since I own a house and have a decent job, I am not eligible for legal aid
  
• I might have to drag the children to testify or get a children's lawyer...I can't afford a children's lawyer nor do I want to put the children through that
• I am not mentally in the space to go to court YET AGAIN

OK- so I spoke to a dear friend tonight and he recommended that I calm down and start doing legwork. He gently told me that it's time to bring out the big guns in court. To talk about the abuse and detail his recent behavior with the children. I really didn't want to do this, but I think he's right.

I really do not want to go to the office tomorrow. I am feeling overwhelmed and am in no mood to deal with work. I would much rather curl in a ball and hide away from the world.

I also feel like I'm losing my faith. Muslims believe that after hardship always comes ease....WHERE is the ease???? When is it coming? I've been a decent person all my life...when will this get easier? Sigh. I think I'll stop holding my breath on this one.

I found the Lawn Cutting Dude!

I found out who cut my lawn! I asked my other neighbour, and he said it wasn't him, but that he was going to do it if I didn't do it by that weekend :)

So there is a teenage kid around the corner from me. I've been asking around if he could cut my grass, and never got the opportunity to speak to him directly. Apparently my other neighbours felt sorry for me, and rang his bell while I was away, and arranged for him to cut my grass on a regular basis. Did I mention how much I LOVE my neighbours? So anyways, the guy came and cut my grass while I was away. He came today to let me know, and to see if I was interested in continuing with him. HELL YA!

So, for a mere $20 a month, my back and front lawn will be cut every other week. I am so happy. I hate yard work. And, he's agreed to shovel the snow in the winter. I am off the hook for the outside work! Whoo hooooo!

Happy happy happy!

Centre Island

I took the children to Centre Island yesterday. They had a fantastic time. I never realized this, but they've never been on a boat. The highlight of their day was the ferry ride to the Island. I wanted to give the children some time to just chat...Away from friends and family, so I could see how they are doing. They seem to be doing just fine. Most of all, I really feel they enjoyed the alone time with me. I wish I had the resources to take them away somewhere for a week. Since that isn't possible at the moment, I'll have to stick to day trips for now.

It's amazing how resilient children are. I had some really good talks with them yesterday, and they are very well aware of the fact that their dad is pressuring them, and of the fact that it isn't right. They expressed that they enjoy the time with me because I just like to make sure "everything is fun" and because I "don't get mad easily".

I'm personally a bit stressed about the possibility of another legal battle. I'm finding my mind a bit scatterbrained, and I've yet again reached a point where I have no desire to go to the office, or do much of anything until I've settled this issue. It's amazing what an enormous impact personal factors like this can have on our motivation to do other things in our life. Really, in the grand scheme of things, a few days in the office feel unimportant compared to the stuff I'm dealing with now...But either way, we plug along and do what we have to do right? Right now, I wish I were self employed and had people that could manage my workload for me, so I could deal with the current issue at hand. Then again, there is always vacation time that can be used I suppose.

To top it off, my mom has some health tests tomorrow, and my mind is on that as well. I'm debating if I should take Monday off and be with her, or if I should let my sister go with her. Yet another thing to think about.

So, the main focus for me now is to get through this stuff with my ex. To see what my options are. I spoke to someone who is fairly well versed on this stuff and she said that in her opinion, I won't have a case to fight for full custody at this time. Mean and dirty tricks are apparently common in divorced households, and if there isn't actually physical abuse happening, I don't have much of a leg to stand on.

Like I said...It's sick...I almost have to wait until it's too late to have the power to do anything. Either way, I'll get a second opinion. Wish me luck.

Straightening out the Deal

I've spend the past couple of days ironing out my never ending issues with my ex. I made the mistake in July of letting him have weekday access to the children so that he could take them for extra curricular activities like soccer. At the time, my reasoning was that it was better for the children to be involved in these activities with their dad than to be parked at some daycare waiting for me to get home for work. I thought wrong.

I keep having to re-learn past lessons. That either makes me really stupid or really trusting/naive. So here we go again. With my ex, you give an inch, he takes a mile. I knew things were getting a bit weird when my daughter indicated that she would rather spend time with me than be with her dad. I had a feeling that perhaps things weren't going that well.

Recently, it has come to my attention that my ex is basically bribing the children and pressuring them to get me to let him have even more time with him. This is outrageous. Not only am I giving him extra time in good faith, but I also at the same time have the basic trust that he won't abuse the privilege. He obviously doesn't care much for the children's emotional well being, because he's been pressuring them, harassing them, and basically telling them that he can't talk to me directly because he "hates their mother". My children asked me why their daddy hates me.

How sad. How sick. How completely unforgivable. Putting children in the middle of their parent's issues is just plain wrong, and saying bad things about the other parent is just plain mean.

So, I spent most of yesterday batting back and forth emails that basically said that he is to have no more access to the children above and beyond the court order. Ever. If he wants to see them, he can take me to court. I know it seems harsh, but the only way to keep this man in a safe place, and to protect my children is to minimize his contact with them. Even if they don't understand why I'm doing it.

Today, the children had many questions for me. Their father was kind enough to tell them that I am "cutting their time together" and that I am being "very mean" and that they should talk to me for him. We had a very nice chat together, and I basically told them that it was unfair for him to put them in that position. I asked them if they wanted to see more of their dad, reassured that it was a safe environment to speak in front of me. They admitted that they don't really like going there too much, and that they would prefer to be at home with me. I told them not to worry, that they are safe and that I'm just protecting their best interests. Should they want to see more of their dad, they are welcome to do so, but he is not allowed to pressure them into it. They seemed satisfied with that answer. Thank God my children are so easy to talk to.

I spoke to a friend today and he told me to prepare for issues with my ex over the next year. He thinks it will get worse before it gets better. He may be right. I'm learning as I go along, but I think overall, the only way for this to work is for me not to be myself. No trusting, no feeling sorry for him, no giving benefit of the doubt. Rules are rules, and that's how it will stay.

It's true...Children bring out the tigress in their moms. But man, am I ever feeling tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, for the first time, I actually almost thought that the children would have been better off if I had just stayed with my ex, so that I could always be around to protect them. That thought lasted just a few seconds. Clearly, putting myself through that misery would not have been the answer. The right answer is to develop enough of a backbone to keep this man at bay.

And just imagine, a few days ago, someone said that I'm not maternal just because I didn't want to have more children...Yah right, not maternal? Just ask my children that question.

Back Home

I went out of town for a few days to visit a friend. I had a really nice time, and just got home this afternoon.

I came home to a couple of things....the house was 27 degrees...ouch. I had to turn on the AC to bring it down and it's still not cooling off enough.

Second, I came back to find my front lawn cut. I assumed it was Rich, but it wasn't. It also wasn't my brother or my dad. That means it must have been one of the neighbours. Now I have to figure out which one cut it, and why they did it. Did they feel sorry for the single mom and cut her lawn cuz life is too hectic and she never gets around to it? Or were they totally embarrassed by the jungle of a lawn and decided to cut it before the property values drop on the street? :) Hmm either way, I'm not complaining, just curious more than anything else.

No Babies Please

I have a friend that was asking how I feel about children...I mean about having more. I have no way to put this delicately, so I'll just be out with it. I have NO desire to ever have more children. My friend was mortified at how quickly I responded. I'm a bit lost.

I mean, I have two children, and one of each- boy and girl. What more could I possibly want? Why on earth would I want another child? Because I'm a sucker for pain and would love the thought of going through yet another agonizing 9 month pregnancy, or because I just can't get enough of the childbirth joy and am such a sucker for pain that I would just love to experience that again? I mean, seriously, why would I want more children?

Yes, and the fact that I have my hands full with the two I already have is just another small minor detail I suppose.

I was holding a baby at a baby shower recently, and the girl next to me said "wow, looks good on you. You are so good with children. Doesn't holding this little newborn just give you the urge to have another?"

Honestly, no! I'd much rather jump off the CN Tower than have yet another child. And we haven't even gotten to the lovely topic of what bearing a child actually does to your figure, your energy, etc. I'm just talking the basics of pregnancy and childbirth at this point. That, and actually raising children.

My friend was mortified when I told her I had no desire to have any more children, no maternal instincts left at this point. Forgive me for being blunt, but I already have two children, and while they are a total source of joy, I really don't wish to have any more. Not at all. Not ever. No thanks.

See, as much as I do get a great deal of joy from raising these little ones, they are also a huge responsibility. I want to provide them with everything I can, and that includes my time and attention. Quality is much more important than the quantity of children.

I got some lame lecture about how un-maternal I am, and how that's not a "normal state" for a woman...That most women are maternal for life and melt at the sight of a newborn. OH PLEASE. Give me a break. Now I'm broken or something? What- is being a single mom working like a dog every day just to get by a "normal state" for a woman? Not quite....So nobody has the right to judge.

Anyhow...I'm not even sure why there is so much focus around children. Now that I'm divorced, I get two major questions ALL the time- 'do you want to remarry'? And 'do you want more kids'?

I absolutely don't want more children (unless perhaps if they belong to another party- ie- someone else who is divorced and has his own from a previous marriage). And about marriage, well...Forgive me, but I am a little jarred at the moment, so I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone enough to marry them again.

So here's the deal...No more questions for me, ok? I mean, I don't even know if I'll ever be able to trust another man again, let alone marry, let alone ever contemplate more children.

I sometimes feel like the Indo-Pak girl in her late 20's who is constantly pressured to get married or her life is a waste. I did that guys...its didn't work. Now leave me alone. I'm divorced now, and just trying to get the pieces of my life back together. Let's just see if I'm capable of ever trusting the human race again before I get asked all these stupid long drawn out questions.

So, one step at a time. And right now, I'm taking baby steps trying to get my life back on track. No pun intended.

Melting

This is insane. I am a person that cannot handle heat and it's like 48 Celsius out there. I am literally melting. Thank God I didn't wear makeup today....It would have been melting on my shirt or something.

I had lunch with my girlfriend for her birthday, and we walked over to the restaurant in the boiling heat. I thought I was going to pass out or just plain die. By the time we got there I was so hot and sick that I swore I would never walk outside again...Except for the walk back to the office.

I don't handle heat well, so of course, as the afternoon progressed I felt sicker and sicker, and by 3pm, I just left the office. I couldn't concentrate, and felt really nauseated. I need to find somewhere else to go in this weather.

On another note, the ex drama continues. He's been bashing me with mean emails again. Honestly he's worse than a majorly PMS-ing woman. I often wonder what the heck I ever saw in him. It's sad...You can spend a good chunk of your life with someone, but at the end of the day, there is just a very very fine line between love and hate. Cross it and it's hard to go back. I mean I wish him well and everything, but other times (like today), I just cannot stand him.

I'm at a point where I feel like I've been pushed too far by him. His emails are irritating me, and now I think I'm going to start pushing back, and hard. It's time to bring out my mean side, out from wherever the heck she's been hibernating.

I've done the nice thing, I've done the cordial thing, I've done the patient thing. An 11 year painful marriage and 2 year God-Awful separation later...It's time to just take out the trash once and for all. (Enter shaz's bitchy side)....The truth of the matter is, I don't get mad very often. But when I do, it is not pretty.

Now I'm mad. We are finally divorced and he still won't back off. He has NO IDEA what he's in for in the next few weeks...

Back to Work Tomorrow

I go back to work tomorrow. This weekend was very draining, and yet I spent the whole time at home. One tip to the world...Children are much easier to handle when you are able to do activities with them. Keeping them in the house to avoid further head injury is no fun at all.

I'm in a weird space today. I go back to work tomorrow, and I just don't feel like I can do it. Part of me wants to spend another day at home with my son (yes...I know...I just finished complaining that it has been draining), and the other part of me wants to stay home and sleep and go to the gym and feel like me again. There is only a teeny weenie part that actually wants to go to the office tomorrow, to get out of the 'at home' routine, but mostly I don't feel up to it.

Then again, who knows how I'll feel in the morning. Tomorrow is, after all, a new day. I do have the little matter of the meeting with the school tomorrow morning....I haven't gone to sleep yet, or woken up, and I already have that I-want-to-go-back-to-bed feeling. Sigh. That just says it all.

I need a vacation...

A Saturday at Home

I am not a homebody. Spending an entire day at home is hard for me. Spending an entire Saturday at home is even harder. Spending an entire Saturday with two children who keep saying 'can we please go outside' is the pits.

I'm trying to keep my son indoors. If I let him outside, he'll run, and I'm afraid because of the stitches. If I keep him indoors, I'm hoping that I can keep him somewhat contained, but he is SO bored. Heck, I'm bored. You can only do so many puzzles and board games. Now he wants to watch TV. How do you avoid a 6 hour TV day, or is it ok when a child is sick? My guilty side says no way, it's wrong to let a child watch that much TV, but my logical side says yes, let him, it's only one day, and the fact that he won't be bumping his head and busting open those stitches is worth it. Am I the only parent in the world who has guilty bouts?

Stitches

Some days I just don't get it. It's weird...I'm working away and around 12:30pm I get a call from my son's school. They said he was running and fell (typical for my son), and that he wanted to speak to me. They told me not to worry, that he's ok, he just bumped his head.

So my son came on the phone and said that he wanted me to pick him up, because he didn't feel well and wanted to "take some rest". Anyone who knows my son knows that he is the human version of the energizer bunny. 'Rest' is seldomly in his vocabulary. He said his head was aching and asked that I please come and pick him up. I spoke again to the teacher who said that he was probably exaggerating so that he could come home. My gut told me that it was unlike him to fake sick, and that since I was working from home anyway, it wouldn't hurt to pick him up and bring him home to rest.

When I got to the school, I called him over and checked his head. To my surprise, there was a small gash, and it was still bleeding. I showed it to the teacher, and she said that "he must have scratched it, because it wasn't like that" when she called me.

I'm not trying to criticize, but there is a very big difference between a gash and a scratch. I'm not trying to blame anyone. My son is totally the type to run and bump his head. When he was three he always had bruises on his legs from running and tripping, falling off his bike, etc. It's not new for him. My concern was that the school was downplaying it, and he clearly needed to see a doctor. What would have happened if I didn't follow my gut and come to get him? I didn't say anything further to them, but I did take him to the doctor immediately.

When I got to the doctors, the nurses said he would need stitches. My daughter was crying hysterically the whole while, as the thought of a needle sewing up her brother was too much for her. She was a total mess. When my son saw the needle, he went into hysterics, and I had to hold him down. The doctor said he only needed a couple of stitches, so there was no time to freeze. (Yikes). I held him down, the doctor stitched him up, and we were set to leave with a big huge bandage wrapped around his head. Honestly, he looks like the kid from the old logo for the Sick Kids Hospital. Huge bandages for a small gash...But anyway, we got home by the end of the work day, and all is well.

The good news is that I was actually working from home today. Had I been downtown it would have taken me an hour and a half to get home. I am very thankful for my luck that these events landed on a Friday. The bad news is, I didn't actually get much work done. Sigh. That's expected I suppose, but I foresee many late working nights this weekend to accommodate. A day in the life of a single mom...

Cherryblossom?

I came home at 6pm...To my parent's home to pick up the children. My son came running to the door, gave me a big hug and said. "Mommy I missed you! You're my lovely cherryblossom!"

What the?

I have no idea where this kid picks up these things. He is absolutely hilarious. He told me I had the prettiest face he's ever seen. Gee whiz. Why can't I find a MAN who would talk to me like that? I know...Sounds sick...But what I mean is, it's sad that the only person who talks to me like that is my 6 year old boy....Sigh.

So I have the children for the next 4 nights. I am so excited to spend time with them. What fun. I've totally missed them lately. I think I'm going to have one movie night for them...Popcorn and all...Should be fun. I plan to inflate the pool again for them as well, and call their friends over to play. I'm such a sucker for the children....Especially when I get called their "lovely cherryblossom"... :)

The Cultural Weekend

I got more exposure to Pak culture this weekend than I think I've had in a year. I have to say, the friends I was with were nice, but the rest of the stuff....Not sure. I went to a show at Canada's Wonderland on Sunday (which had good parts and boring parts), and then to a Pakistani gala event on Monday. I think I'm jarred for life, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't feel it with the community.

The friend that I was with pointed out that it would be good to forgive and move on. If people wrong you, it's better to forgive...While it's nice for him to say, and I do admire his perspective, I'm not sure I can change it. I know we should all own our actions and the consequences that result from them, but somehow I feel like this community has had a large part to play in the negative events of my life. Here are a few reasons why:

• When I was dating my ex, the fact that the Pakistani community found out was a very big deal. Dating was not allowed in a culture of arranged marriage so I was shunned badly for my actions
• My decision to marry my then boyfriend resulted in a major blow reputation wise to myself. I was the most likely to have an arranged marriage, and for me to go against this tradition was a big deal
• 600 people attended my wedding, a wedding that my parents supported, albeit hesitantly. They all came and acted like they were happy for me, but the rumor mill and the things that came back to me convinced me that these people were not my friends, that the entire thing was just for show...And made me a bit upset because it was one master game....Everything was about appearances and image
• When I was on my honeymoon, I got my first black eye. I wanted to file for divorce, wanted to be able to walk away, but after facing what I faced to fight for the wedding, the community would eat me up alive, and my family too. I had a brother and sister who still wanted to marry in this community, and so, I (wrongly) felt that my only option was to stay in the marriage for my family's sake...For their reputation, for their name.
• When my brother was married and my sister was getting married, I reached a point where I could no longer tolerate the marriage. True, my timing for ending things was wrong (weeks before my sister's wedding), but I was finally free
• I can not explain the amount of garbage I had to deal with for going through the divorce. I was told that a good woman never walks out. A good mother sacrifices for her children. Clearly, they don't see me as either of those. What can I say? I always thought I was a good person...
• I went to this gala event after 2 years of staying out of the community. I knew a few people in the room, the same people who had a great deal to say about me in the past. I chose not to get up and greet anyone. I chose to stay with my friend and not move. I'm not sure if it was a good choice or not, but being in that environment again after so long was just too odd for me. It weirded me out. Funny enough, the person I was with is a very proud Pakistani man, and I did admire his enthusiasm. I think it was his enthusiasm that convinced me to go, and to stay when I was there. Despite everything else, I enjoyed the company.

Don't get me wrong....I don't mind the culture. Given, I may not be the biggest Indo/Pak movie/music fan, but I actually don't mind it....It's just not always my thing. I love the clothes, the food, and the country itself is fun. I guess maybe it's the community that I take issue with.

As I'm typing I'm realizing something....I'm doing to the community what the world does to Muslims...Letting a small handful of people ruin it for the entire lot, and judging the whole for the actions of a few bad apples...hmmm...Maybe that's food for thought. In the meantime, I'll continue to hide out in my little world, that is, until the next time a friend asks me to join them for an event that's important to them :)

It's not quite as good as forgiveness, but I guess it's a start. :)

Rise and Shine

I woke up to two sets of eyes peering at me. The children were sitting up in bed, apparently waiting for me to wake up. As soon as my eyes opened, my daughter said "rise and shine princess mommy"...

"And good morning to you too....What time is it?" I looked at the clock...6am. GOOD GOD. Why don't children sleep in? Man I was so tired. And they were wired. Bad combination.

"OK- I'm up....What would you like to do?" They started jumping up and down on the bed.

"Scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs!".....OI....My head. OK Scrambled eggs. I wish I would learn to sleep earlier at night. They sleep at 8, I sleep at 2am, they wake up at 6am, and I am basically screwed. My fault...Totally my fault.

So here I am, full blown headache. But it's my fault. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing in the world better than waking up to my princess saying "rise and shine" and showering me with her butterfly kisses. It's the most awesome thing in the world. Just...The 6am part is brutal :)

So, I have the children with me until 2pm today, and then they are off to their dad's place. She is already protesting and saying she doesn't want to go, she'd rather stay with me. This is emotionally difficult. For me, for her, and yes, for her dad.

Anyhow, I have dinner with an out of town friend tonight, so I have to get my laundry etc done so I can actually relax and chill this evening. Looking forward to spending time with my friend. I'm trying to see if I can find us a last minute Summerlicious cancellation...no luck yet. :(

Stargazer Lilies

Stargazer Lilies are my favourite flower. There is only one person who ever figured that one out, and that was recently, and kind of by accident. I've loved the flower for years...It has a fragrant smell, and it's big and beautiful. My ex didn't know it was my favourite flower. I never had the heart to tell him. When we were 16 I absolutely loved pink roses. My ex knew that. So, whenever he bought me flowers, they usually included pink roses. I found the gesture so thoughtful that I never wanted to burst his bubble and tell him that I was growing tired of the pink roses. No worries...The thought of him going out of his way to buy me what he thought was my favourite flower was more than enough for me.

Anyhow, when I put the offer on this house, I noticed the stargazer lilies planted in the front garden. Maybe 20 or 30 of them. This was like an omen to me. I loved the outside of the house before I even stepped foot inside. I felt like it called to me. I know...I'm being dramatic and emotional, but that's how it was. And it was a dramatic and emotional experience. Purchasing your first new home after a divorce- the first thing that is actually all your very own was a very big deal.

Anyhow, this year, the lilies came out around the time of the divorce (July 4th). I noticed them in the garden and smiled every time I saw them, but I never took the time to actually sit outside and enjoy them or to enjoy their fragrance. I kept saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

This morning, I was putting the children outside and I noticed that the petals have fallen off the last lily. I never even took the time to enjoy them. How sad. Perhaps it was the heat, maybe I didn't water them enough, or maybe it's just the fact that stargazer lilies only live for a few weeks, and these were around for 3 whole weeks. I just didn't enjoy them. I was so caught up in the details around the divorce, the paperwork, etc....That I just didn't make the time to stop and enjoy, even if just for a few short seconds.

I'm not being hard on myself or anything. Just observing. I promised to always take time to smell the flowers, and this time, I didn't do it...Literally. Next year, I'm going to sit on the porch and read right there, so that I can enjoy the flowers for the short time that they are around.

Sunglasses at Night

I was upstairs putting away the laundry. I don't know why I was so tunnel visioned, but I didn't even notice the music on in the house. I came downstairs to put in another load, and there was my son, dancing his heart out to my 80's CDs.

"Where did you find those?"
"In the box"
"What made you put them in?"
"I wanted to hear good music"

Funny...These are my 80's CDs. I'm talking pre-highschool. Like grade 6-8. How he found the few I had left and put them in I'll never know. It was very comical. He was shaking his butt side to side, just loving every moment.

"Well then...Carry on and enjoy"...And I went downstairs to put in the laundry. As I came up, he asked if I wanted to hear his favourite song. Sure, why not. It's not like I won't know it...These are, after all, my CDs...

He gleefully puts on Corey Hart...Sunglasses at Night. Too funny. I haven't heard that song since...God knows how long. It took me back. He talked about how great the beat was, and I laughed.

My son is into retro music. The retro he likes is from my "era". Kind of when I started listening to the Beatles and my parents said they could listen to it with me. GOD I feel old. How hilarious.

I need a Vacation

OK - A vacation and a party :)

The divorce came and went...No issues. Not that I was hoping for issues or anything, I'm quite grateful that I didn't have to deal with many, except for the occasional mood swings from my ex. Thankfully, he's avoiding me these days. I think he's fed up of bugging me. Hooray for some good news.

I find that I'm getting to that point again. The point where I feel like I need a break. I've taken time off this year in March and a day or so here or there, but these days, it just feels different. I've marked the end of a two year hellish ordeal, and I think the occasion deserves a treat. Even if it costs my line of credit. I mean, this is a milestone, is it not? The end to an era. I think I do need to do something different...Something drastically different from the ordinary routine. I might just do something spontaneous and take off somewhere on my own. Then again, all this thought makes it not-so-spontaneous doesn't it?

As for everything else, it's all going well. I've been putting in some late nights to catch up on things at the office. Another week and I think I'll have them exactly where I want them. I hate it when I fall behind. Then again, if I take off and vacation somewhere, I'll be right back where I started :(

On another note, I'm glad to say the sunburn is healing. Needless to say, I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Not the swimming part, just the forgetting sunblock part. Speaking of which, I noticed something at the pool on Saturday. My daughter who is afraid of water (or so she claims), may be that way because of me. When I changed and came out, she was sitting along the pool and refusing to get in. This is typical for her, whether it is a pool, sprinkler, or anything else. When she saw me get in, she jumped right in and had a great time. I'm wondering if she avoids the water because I do? That would be a really bad thing, and probably a good example of negative role modeling, even if it wasn't intentional. Either way, I hope to change that in the near future. I wonder what other things she picks up from me, or am I just being too sensitive?

The Joys of Juggling a Flex Schedule

I'm totally grateful for the flexibility I have at the office. It's almost 7:30 and I'm still here working, because tonight is the night my ex has the children. Mondays and Wednesdays are his nights (for the summer due to soccer schedules). Tuesdays and Thursdays I leave the office early like 4 or 4:30 and Fridays I work a full schedule but at home. It's funny how I juggle everything around the children. But I'm really lucky, because not many single moms out there have this luxury. I'm glad I work for a great company and for an awesome boss.

I figure I'll put in another hour to catch up and then leave. It's funny because my mornings are equally flexible. Tuesdays and Thursdays I come in earlier (because I don't have to drop the children off at school) and Mondays and Wednesdays I come in later, because I do drop them off. Oh the joys...It never ends. ;)

Social life...What's that? You mean people actually get to have a life? NO! Really?

Actually I'm half joking. I get time in every other weekend when the children are away, and sometimes on the odd weeknight when they are with their dad. It all balances quite well actually.

I can just see myself in the future, when my children grow up, telling them stories of how much I had to juggle just for them....Well hey, our parents did it to us didn't they? We all heard the stories of how much they had to work to put food on the table, or about how much of a pain we were when they took us shopping. I figure my work arrangements ought to buy me something to talk about when they grow up. I can just see it now "I had to work till 8pm just to support you on my own"...leave out the days that I left early, or the fact that I actually enjoyed being at work, or the fact that I still had time to enjoy myself. I'm being bad.... :)

UGH The Heat!

I cannot handle the heat. I pass out in heat temperatures higher than 25 degrees. Today, when the weather is 39 degrees with Humidity factor, I am just dying. I'm feeling moody, cranky, have massive headaches and almost passed out walking from the car to the mall. That is just nuts. My friend pointed out that I come from Indo-Paks, and therefore I should be genetically able to handle the heat. Good point, but not true, for whatever reason. Autumn is my favourite season. Warm enough that you don't need a jacket (I hate extreme cold) and cold enough that you can wear boots and a sweater. Perfect weather in my opinion.

Anyhow. Here's another thing- I got sunburned yesterday! DOH! I guess I'm not used to the open back thing...And forgot to sunblock my back when we went swimming. What a moronic thing to do. My back is red like a lobster and the rest of me is perfectly fine. How odd. How many pak chicks do you know with sunburn? Exactly. Another example of how the genetic thing didn't work for me. I mean- I thought Indo-Paks were dark enough that they didn't burn? Man...I have a lot to learn. OUCH.

Swimming

This is like the highlight of my month. I took my children to visit a friend from the office today. She has a swimming pool in her backyard, and the children had a lot of fun. This friend and I have been trying to get together for quite some time, but for one reason or another, we haven't had the opportunity to catch up. Today, I made it out there, with the children, and we all went into the pool.

For everyone else, having time in a pool is no big deal. Just to give some perspective on this one, it's a very big deal for me. I'm the girl who wore a scarf for 6 years. I'm still very much a Muslim woman, and as a result, I never wear short skirts, I never wear sleeveless dresses, and basically- I try to cover up as much as possible. I'm still for all fine purposes a relatively conservative person.

Unfortunately, as a result, swimming in public pools or public places in a bathing suit is pretty much out of the question. I know it's a bit restrictive lifestyle-wise, but that's just the way it is, at least for now. I haven't been in a bathing suit since my honeymoon (13 years ago), and I have never had the opportunity to go in the water with my children. Both experiences were absolutely incredible, and I have my friend to thank for it.

My children are very much aware of the fact that I don't take them swimming. When I told them we were going to a pool, they immediately asked if their father was coming. I told them no, that I would be coming with them....And they were so excited. It was fun. I'm glad I went.

It's funny. I am so thankful for the wonderful time we had, and to the friend who invited us over. She doesn't have any children of her own, so I'm sure she must have been exhausted after an afternoon with my two children in her pool. Still, she was very hospitable and enthusiastic, and if my children drained her, she didn't show it one bit.

This afternoon's events really did get me thinking about some of the restrictions to the lifestyle of a Muslim woman. OK- So- to my Muslim friends...Feel free to stop reading, and if you do decide to read on, no phone calls please. Leave your comments and disappointment about my thoughts on this blog.

Anyhow...It just seems so restrictive at times. Simple things like swimming in a pool with my children have become a big deal. Any other person reading this will think it's insane that I can't enjoy a simple event like that, without having to go out of my way to find a private pool somewhere...I mean...It almost makes me wonder what the point is of all of it. Maybe all the recent changes in my life have gone to my head and I'm getting out of control. Then again, maybe I'm onto something.

American Arrogance

I have a big issue with the US immigration folks. I know, it's kind of a chicken and egg thing around why the issue exists or how it started, but it still drives me nuts. I am so sick and tired of the profiling at the US border. The first time it happened to me, I was still in hijaab and it was November 2003. I just assumed that it was 9/11 sensitivity and that the hijaab was the culprit...But now I'm not so sure.

In 2003 I was going to a wedding in California, by air. The US Immigration guy at the airport stopped me and questioned me for about 15 minutes. Stupid questions like how did you meet the people you're visiting, why are you going to the wedding, what high school did you go to. I politely answered all these questions, and as I answered them, their questions kept getting worse. I know I was visibly irritated when he gawked at my response to his question around what type of education I had. Clearly, he didn't believe that a scarf girl could have an MBA. Next, when he asked what I do for a living, and I gave him my title and the organization I work for, he blurted out "that's impossible". I actually had to pull out a business card before he would let me go into the US. That was just too much for me, and very very insulting.

Then, a few months ago, I went to Buffalo to shop. My friend who was with me recently got his Canadian Citizenship. Prior to that, he would travel on a Pakistani passport with a US Visa. When we went shopping, he was traveling on a Canadian passport without a visa. We were stopped for about an hour going in, and he was fingerprinted etc, and told basically that this would continue to happen to him unless he gave up his Pakistani Citizenship. (Canada lets you hold two Citizenships, and the US does not). What a hassle. That day was very irritating to me, although my friend should have been more irritated (I suppose he has more patience than I do). I couldn't shake the feeling that Americans are just so very arrogant.

So, on Tuesday, I went again to Buffalo with my sister. The US immigration guy looked at our ID (We are both born in Toronto), and he told us that we had to go inside for a random computer test. We went inside. 15 minutes later, another officer asked what our birthplace was. I told him Toronto, and that we already showed our birth certificates to the other guy. He asked for our birth certificates, driver licenses, photocopied them, and told us we could leave. When I asked what happened to the computer test, he told me that he didn't know what I was told outside, but that I was free to go. Obviously, there was no computer test, and there was nothing random about the "spot check".

So, why was I stopped? Colour of my skin? The fact that I have traveled with a Pakistani born person last time? Was my license plate flagged for some reason? I had no problems when I went to the US a few weeks back with Mich in her car, so what was the deal?

I found the experience totally confusing and totally disheartening. I mean, I can only imagine what would have happened if I still wore my hijaab, or still had ID with the hijaab. This is why my Muslim friends refuse to travel to the States. But then again, that's exactly what they want, right? Stay in your own Country and stay the hell out of ours is their attitude. So what's the solution? Stop traveling? Keep traveling and hope for the best? Pull a Michael Jackson and dye my skin white?

One Year in the New Home

I just realized....June 29th marked my one year anniversary in this home. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels as if I just moved in a couple of months ago, and a year has already gone by. It's also funny how no matter how settled you are, you're never really settled. I'm looking at the bookshelf next to me and noticing the empty shelves. That reminds me. I still have a few books that I haven't unpacked yet. Then again...If I didn't need them in a year, I probably don't need them at all. Food for thought I guess.

So, the house is getting there. I still need help with the gardening, I totally suck at that. And I need help with the snow shoveling, mostly because I hate manual labor. Hmmm...The list is endless, pictures to hang, painting to be done...I could go one, but why bother? A wise friend once reminded me that nobody ever dies with a completed 'to do' list. We all have things left to be done, unfinished business. Moral of the story- let it go, and take it easy. Some things just aren't worth the stress.

So, today, sitting in this house, I'm feeling pretty great. I mean, a year has gone by. The children are much more settled than they were last year. Not perfect, but they are doing well. This is a long process. I am much more settled. I can feel it emotionally. The recent name change was a fantastic move for me. It gave me enormous closure, and it was very empowering. I'm glad I did it.

Since the finalization of the divorce, I've been feeling a lot 'lighter' emotionally....Like I'm ready to move ahead, whatever that might mean. I'm ready to be me again, to face my new challenges, to face life. I'm ready to start with a new chapter. This is a great feeling, and I really hope it lasts. In the meantime, I'll keep working away at making things happier for the children, for me...And at creating a secure and stable home. A happy home after all, makes all the difference in the world.

Why so Surprised?

I had an interesting exchange with my ex this morning. I called him to confirm what time he would be coming to pick up the children. I guess my name change with Bell Canada must have kicked in today, and that it must have shown up on his call display. He seemed completely shocked by the fact that I have changed my name. I'm not totally sure why, I mean the divorce is official, so one would think a name change would be in order.

He asked me "Well, you changed your name I see, did you change it at the office too?"... I smiled to myself. No matter what else, he knows me well enough to know that changing my name at the office would be a big move for me, and a step that I would be unlikely to take. He also knows full well that if I did take the step, it would be telling. I confirmed that yes, I have changed it. He was a bit irritated, but handled it ok I suppose.

When I sent my email to the world telling everyone of the name change, I deliberately took his name off the list. I didn't see the need in putting salt in his wounds. I forgot that he would see the name when I called him....But it's all in the open now so that's good I suppose.

Still Changing the Name

I'm still working on the name change. This is taking a lot longer than I originally expected. I came to the office, ordered new business cards, and called the tech dudes to change my email address. They said it would take effect on Friday. And then I started to get emails halfway through the day asking if I had changed my name. Then I got phone calls from people checking to see if I left the company because my old email address kept bouncing back. What a mess. Leave it to technology to mess up. My manual name changes yesterday were a piece of cake compared to this.

Here are the funny comments from today:

• One VP emailed me to congratulate me on my marriage. I think she felt weird when I replied, telling her that I am now divorced
• Another friend emailed me and was very irritated to hear that he wasn't invited to my wedding
• Another friend emailed me and said "Good riddance. Mail your ex some KY Jelly and tell him its for his hand"...
• Another friend suggested that I send my ex a copy of the divorce certificate with a kiss mark on it (man you people are EVIL) :-)
• Another colleague that I haven't worked with in 2 years emailed me to tell me that she couldn't believe this could happen to someone like me, and gave me her words of wisdom. That was very touching
• My boss congratulated me and told me to go for a drink :) as did half the world who got my email
• Another co-worker told me that changing my name was Step 1 of operation "I'm single and I'm hot"...Yah right...But thanks for the vote of confidence :)

Ahhh...I love friends. The support is overwhelming :)

Divorced

Well, I'm here. I did it....And you know what? I'm feeling pretty OK. I only cried once, for less than a minute. That was when I went to see Dr. Clive and heard his words of wisdom around how proud he is of me for making it through. But those were tears of...Gratitude, emotional-ness, thankfulness, but not exactly sadness. I'm feeling really....Reflective, but not all that sad. I've surprised myself. I was expecting to be a mess. And I'm not. I'm just.....Tired. It's been a really, really, long road, and it's been emotionally and physically draining.

I am so grateful for the 6 people (including my father) who offered to spend the day with me today. I am so grateful to have friends like that, who are looking out for me emotionally. I'm grateful for the friend who called to check up on me during the day, for my sister who did the same (several times), and for the friend who text messaged me to make sure I was ok. I am so glad to have people like that around me. They make a big difference in my life.

For some reason, I just wanted to do this on my own today, so I decided not to take anyone with me. I wanted to have one day where I could stand on my own emotionally....And I'm so glad I did it this way. It was a perfect ending to a horrible 2 year separation and divorce. Perfect closure I would say. So here is how the day went:

• 8:30 am - Arrived at Courthouse
• 9:30am - Divorce Certificate in hand
• 10am -Had passport photos taken at mall
  
• 10:15am - Went to Driver's license office to change name on Driver's license
• 11:10am - Went to Doctor to have passport photos guarantor signatures done, and to have a little chit chat. Doctor Clive told me he was proud of me, and that no matter how difficult, this was the best move. He's dealt with bipolar patients many times, and he swears it would only have gotten harder living with my ex. His advice from the beginning was to leave, and he gave me his kind words of wisdom, and a big hug. Made me feel a lot better. See? Angels all around me...
• noon- passport office to apply for new passport
• 1pm- Insurance Office to change name on auto, home, life insurance
• 1:45pm- back to Driver's Licence office to change name on Car Ownership since I forgot to do that earlier (moron)
• 2:30pm- Health Card office- changed name on health cards
• 3:30pm- went to Bank #1 to change name on all banking accounts etc
• 4:30pm- went to Bank #2 to change name on all banking docs (be quiet, yes I bank at 2 banks, so kill me)...
• 5:oopm picked up kids from sitter
• 5:30pm- went to visit mom and dad

Is that an insane day or what? All that's left is changing my name on my household bills, and my name at the office, and I'll take care of those tomorrow. I am on FIRE.

When I went to the Driver's License Office this morning, the lady asked me for my signature. It threw me off. I haven't signed my maiden name in 13 years. I actually didn't put any thought around how to sign it. Sounds weird doesn't it? But after 13 years of signing my sloppy signature, it felt a bit odd to find a new signature. The little things we don't think of I suppose.

I felt a lot better after seeing Dr. Clive this morning. He has always been a consistent source of strength for me. He knew my marriage was bad for me. In fact, he knew for years, long before I left. His reassurance was very important to me....I think it was fitting that I went to see him today, and that he was a part of this closure process.

It's funny...At the Insurance office, I thanked the lady for helping me switch back to my maiden name, and she corrected me. "Your marriage is dissolved honey, so if you're not married, it's not your maiden name anymore....Its YOUR name". Wow....How weird. I never really thought of it that way. But she was right. How fitting that I changed it.

So, how do I feel? VERY tired, and not just from today's running around, but fatigue from the past two years of emotional garbage. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. I am so glad I took the day off work today to do all the name changing. It really gives more closure than doing it a little at a time. And, because I took the day off, I allowed myself the opportunity to feel whatever I needed to feel, without worrying about meetings or appearances. Given, it wasn't as emotional as I expected, but I suspect the calmness about me came from the fact that this was my day to myself, and I wasn't rushed at all. Anything was game.

Surprisingly, for whatever reason, today doesn't feel like an end at all. It feels like a new beginning, like a fresh start. I feel like it's the start of my second chance at life, and that is amazing, because it is not often we get blessed with one of those. I have so much to be thankful for: Friends, family, a home, beautiful children, and my health. It doesn't get better than that.

So- Here's to starting over....And to the ones who support us through our endeavors.

Zoo With the Children

I'm taking the children to the zoo today with Mich and Rich. I am so tired from yesterday's events that I actually would love to just crash today. But, I promised the children, and they woke up jumping on my bed saying "Hoooray! Today is the day we go to the zoo!"....It's not like I can say that we're not going anymore because mommy is just too tired...Sigh. I'm sure my energy will pick up again. Well, I'm hoping that it will.

So, yesterday was fun, but busy. I impressed myself with my ability to put together a 4 dish Indian meal in less than an hour, and it actually turned out ok. I had a fantastic time with my friends yesterday, so I'm glad we did it...But like I said, I need to learn not to schedule too much in one day moving forward.

So yesterday morning I was a bit thrown off. I got up and realized that I had a large bruise under my eyebrow. Basically a black eye. It was from the electrolysis on Saturday I think. I think I moved and she must have hit a vein. A common occurrence during electrolysis. The weird thing was, as I stood in front of the mirror and pulled out all my shades of foundation for covering a black eye, I just couldn't compose myself anymore. It was almost 3 years ago that I last had to bust out the makeup to cover a black eye, and while this one was not related to anything like the past ones, it just really messed me up. I remembered all the past mornings, pulling out the makeup, covering the eye, and I looked at myself, crying in the mirror, thinking 'Why am I crying? This is finally over....'

It's odd how something like a little electrolysis accident can trigger so many bad memories. It actually threw my entire day off....I couldn't shake it, because I kept going to the washroom throughout the day to make sure the bruise wasn't showing, just as I've done many times in the past. Strange, but true.

It's almost funny. I'll be at the courthouse tomorrow to get the divorce papers, and the morning of, I will have to wake up and cover a bruise on my eye. This one is innocent, but still, it just feels so...Sick. And in some ways....Almost fitting. Now that was sick of me to say, but, these are the thoughts racing through my head today. The crazy rantings of Shaz I suppose...Sigh. 24 hours to go. Wish me luck guys....

It's Possible to be Too Social...

I think I need to slow down. Introverts have it right. I spend way to much of my time out and about and very little time at home just resting, and as a result, I'm getting burned out.

I came home at 2am yesterday...And then I was running about today- waxing lady, visiting parents, gym, now I'm beat...And I'm ready to just crash. Tomorrow I've got a lunch event, a baby shower, and friends coming for dinner, and I'm doing groceries in the morning. WHO AM I???

UGH- ENOUGH! I am starting to see some merit in what my ex used to say to me (yes, I know, I can't believe I just said that either). But he would often tell me to slow down, not to be such a busy gal. He warned that one day it would all catch up to me and I would just burn out. I often dismissed his comments and just as much assumed he thought that way because he was an introvert, and I'm an extrovert, and we are just different that way. But now I'm thinking, maybe I'm changing, maybe I'm getting old. But nowadays, being out and about recharges me to a limit, but it's also starting to just make me tired. Hmmm- I wonder what those personality test people would say about me now...

Either way, he was right. I think scheduling one main thing each weekend is more than enough. Everything else can be just last minute stuff, or lazy at home stuff. I mean, this weekend alone I have 5 events. That's 4 too many. And that's why I'm here on a Saturday night, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep at 9pm...Sad but true.