Oprah's Show on Domestic Violence

If you go back to a man that hits you, it is because you don't think you are worthy of being with a man who won't. If you are raised to really love yourself and think you are a wonderful person, somebody hitting you is really offensive to you.

-Oprah Winfrey

It was an interesting show. She talked about some of the key signs to look for:

• Guys who are nicer to you in public than when you are in private (the world thinks he is great, but you know he is not)
• When you get paranoid that he will love someone else
• When you are blamed for all his problems
• When he has a super nice side and a super dark side (they are never 100% bad 100% of the time)
• If your partner vets who you can hang out with and who you can spend time with
• Threats "if you REALLY loved me you would have done xyz"
• Making you feel guilty for everything
• Insisting on sex all of the time
• Reading your text messages

But you know, all these signs aren't always there. I think the key is that something has to feel wrong. If you know you can't talk about it with your family/friends, it's wrong.

And you know, the bigger issue is that there is so much judgment around domestic violence, even towards the one being abused. The abuser is seen as a jerk. So if you are hoping that you will work things out, you won't tell others because he will be tainted for life. The one being abused is seen as pathetic, with no self respect.

All around, it's a rough spot to be in. In my opinion, you need to be confident about a few things when you leave:

1. He won't get better on his own
2. He will hit you again
3. This is unacceptable to you
4. Your safety comes first, not matter what it costs.

When a woman realizes these things, she will be better prepared to face the battle when she leaves. And yes, it is always a battle...

On Second Marriages

Second marriages, or even long term committed relationships after a divorce are really tricky. As a person, you are scarred, and somewhat (or in my case, majorly) jaded from your first experience. Trust does not come easily and love, well, real love is difficult because your guard is permanently up. The second time through, you are so fixated on getting your order right, that you may not see what is happening around you. And sometimes, when the order arrives, you realize that you didn't have it right, and you start to wonder if you even know what you want to order.

In my community, when I got divorced just 5 years ago, I was one of a rare breed. I didn't know many other divorced desi women, and certainly not any with children. I had to face the judgement of a community, the pity, and the disgrace upon my family. And at that time, sadly, I still felt that having a husband next to me would define my success. So I started my search for a long term relationship, met a wonderful man, and thought "see, I am worth something, even if I am divorced".

But here is what has changed. In 5 years, I have grown independent in some ways. I am stronger in many ways, and emotionally dependent in others. And the judgement? Well, it's no longer there. I am no longer one of a rare breed. As (quite sadly) marriages crumble around me, I am finding one thing that works to my benefit. I am no longer "that divorced girl with the children". I am me, a part of a larger, growing group of women, and surprisingly, I am now respected. Respected because the community knows I am a good mother. Respected because I am not freeloading off anyone. Respected for being independent. And yes, respected and appreciated by my children.

I no longer need the man crutch in order to face society.

That brings another question. What do I really want?

I want a meaningful relationship that is about us. I want one that allows me to keep myself, to be the independent woman I have grown to love, while nurturing the emotionally needy side of me too.

I want someone who understands me. But I am not willing to gamble my life again. I had one new beginning. I will not risk this one to start a new one. Marriages are hard enough. In fact, they are work. Lots of work. And they are risky. Very risky. In a world where the divorce rate is 50% for a first marriage and even higher for a second marriage, second marriages are a very risky venture indeed.

So when do you know when to gamble, and when to cut your losses? It all depends on your risk tolerance. And here is what I know about myself. I am risk averse. I am not willing to gamble on something that is not a sure thing, or something that adds risk to my already delicately balanced life.

So whatever I do, wherever I go, it needs to fit into the new me. The me that is independent. The me that likes her alone time and loves her hang-out-with-good-friends time. The me that likes to keep some of her finances separate. The me that doesn't want to be questioned when disciplining the children.

The me that I am growing to love.

Even when I make mistakes, or bad choices in life, I know I will be stronger because of them in the end.

March Break in NYC

I took the kids to NYC for March break. They had a nice time. I on the other hand, came back very tired. But that's another story.

One thing that was most noticeable to me was how quiet Manhattan has become. It's a ghost town. Seriously. I was on Wall Street near the AIG building at 3pm on a workday and I was the only person on that street for like a block. I mean, we are talking WALL STREET. I think we as Canadians haven't fully grasped just how lucky we are not to be hit that hard. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

Anyhow, I ended up doing a lot of touristy things, because it was the first time my kids were there. They had fun, and I guess that is what really matters. I had other emotional matters to deal with, and I'm getting there. Like I said, that is another day's post.

I have never been happier to be back at work than I was today. I'm SO GLAD to be home again. I love my bed, my job, my home, and you know what? My life is not nearly as bad as I sometimes allow myself to believe. Yes my ex is a dumbass. But things are slowly getting better. Each month is better than the last, and it's probably the first time in years that I can say that.

So for now, I'm just going to count my blessings and learn to be content.

The Sharing Club

My daughter came home today with a story about what a horrible day she had at school. On Friday, she was telling me about the "sharing club" her desk-mates started in school. They got out some pencil cases and pooled all their school supplies together. I thought it was kind of cute. Today, she came home and told me she had a rough day, that the kids decided to end the sharing club. She then went on to tell me about how mean they all were and how they were talking about having a party and not inviting her, basically isolating her from the group. My first instinct was to agree- those kids are mean! I felt offended that someone could be so cruel to MY daughter. And then I decided to listen more. Ask more questions.

So why were they all mean to YOU? What happened?
They all ganged up and acted mean for no reason at all. I think they are just mean bullies. I never want to go to school again!

Why did they end the sharing club? Was it one person who ended it? Why didn't the other 3 of you just keep it going?
They all ended it for no good reason.

How did this all start? Let's try this in steps. What was step one? Was everyone working?
Yes. And I was just trying to do my work.

What do you mean "trying to do my work", did you not want to play with them today or something?
No I was the last one finishing my school work and they were talking. That was step one. So I got mad and told them to be quiet while I finished and I made a mad face. That was step two. Then they got mad at me and ended the sharing club and told me they didn't want me to play with them ever again. That was step three.

Right. Now I get it...the story starts off with her as the innocent one, but maybe there was some room for improvement on her side!

So why did you get mad at them? Could you really not focus, or were you feeling left out that they were done first?
It's not fair that they get to have fun while I have to finish my work.

So, do you think you were feeling a little left out or jealous maybe?
Left out, but not jealous.

Hmm. That must have been difficult for you. Is there anything that could have been done differently to make it all better?
They could have not ended the sharing club.

That's true. I have to agree with you there. But why do you think they did that?
They were mad at me for getting mad at them.

How do you feel?
Mad and sad.

Hmmm. I'm sorry honey. I wish I could help. Is there anything we can do to fix things?
I could try saying sorry (OK guys- when she said this, I was thinking WHHHAAT? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING MAD AT THEM???)

That might help. Good idea Mary! That just might do it. And, is there anything else we can try next time, maybe to avoid this from happening again?
Like what mommy?

I don't know, maybe next time you need to concentrate you can try to say "Is it OK if I please have one minute to focus and finish on my work?"
Yeah, if I did that they might not have ended the sharing club.

True. Might be worth a try if you ever need to focus next time. Good thinking Mary! And hooray! You have a solution for tomorrow!
Yes...I'm going to apologize. Thanks mom. Do you think they will put the sharing club back?

I don't know honey, but I do think it is worth a try...

Learnings for today:

1. When your kids tell you a story, listen really carefully.
2. When your child tells you about how they were wronged, make sure that they didn't miss something that they did to contribute to the situation.
   
3. Don't be quick to assume that the other kids are the ones being unfair to your child.
   
4. Let your child feel like he/she is solving her own problems.
5. Let your child own the problem
6. Coach your child around how to fix the problem.

Now if only I could do for my life what I teach my daughter to do for hers. I need to take my sharing club problems to someone!

So Far, Not Going to Court is Not Working...

I've been nice. I've tried to avoid court. I've tried working with my ex to save money. I've spent tens of thousands on legal fees already. But it just doesn't seem to end.

We had a mediation session to see if we could try to settle out of court before going to trial. Our lawyers were both there. We were there. The assessor was the mediator. The basis of discussion was using his report and recommendations as a starting point. And it went pretty much as could be predicted.

My ex started off by saying that he would like to dispute both main decisions. IE- That I should not get full custody and that I should not be allowed to go to NYC. Thank God for the assessor. He interrupted and told my ex that we should all leave and just go to court, that he would not compromise his report and that his suggestions were a starting point for discussion, meaning small negotiations, but not up for debate.

Then my ex made the following demands:

• If I go to NYC, he would get even more time in the summer with the children. Meaning 6 weeks instead of 4 weeks. I complied.
• If I go to NYC, he wants the right to come 2x each month to visit the kids. I hesitated, and then agreed to it, mostly because I felt that if he was willing to go out of his way to see the kids, and since they are his kids, I shouldn't stop him.
• Then he wanted ME to pay for his trips to NYC. My answer- no bloody way. I mean, I have visions of the jerk billing me for first class airline tickets or something. I don't bloody think so.
• Then he requested NOT TO PAY child support. This was insane. Then my lawyer pointed out that he doesn't pay child support today. She pointed out that it sounds like I'm giving up alot, but am I really? She pointed out that he hasn't paid support for a year. He is for all purposes, a deadbeat dad. He keeps getting fired from one job to the next, and pays $800 a month for a car but can't find support money for his kids. And because he is a contract worker, his salaries are not easy to garnish. I had a really hard time with this. And then in the interest of not going to court, I hesitantly agreed to consider it.

And then to my surprise, he said he wanted time to think about it.

When I spoke to Mr. NYC that night, he was shocked. He could not believe that a dad would actually not want to pay support. And here is how great Mr. NYC has been- he said "Shaz, I have NO PROBLEM supporting your children. I promise to treat them as my own. If this is the route you want to go (meaning not taking child support), I'm here. I will support you 100%, no matter what you decide". My heart melted.

Then the next day, my ex called me. He says "IF you want me to settle out of court, then you have to SWEETEN THE DEAL for me more, FINANCIALLY. Meaning, I want more money from you". What? Are you fng serious? I just let you get away with no child support you good for nothing worthless son of a bitch. And now this? Seriously, some men should be forced to be castrated. They shouldn't be allowed to father kids, because they have NO CONCEPT of responsibility.

I took a deep breath and told him that he could take his request and shove it up his ass. I will see him in trial. And by the way, there isn't a court in the country that will let him get away without paying child support. He had the best deal on the planet and he got greedy. So GO TO HELL. I am NOT AFRAID and I will see your sorry ass in court. His answer "Oh, so you're going to take a gamble and assume that the courts will let you move to be with your beloved NYC guy?"

Hell ya. Lemme think about this. You beat the kids, you don't pay child support, you're documented as mentally ill, off your meds, and you stalk me. Oh ya and a seasoned professional recommends to the courts that I get to go as it would be IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN. I would say I have a pretty good chance of getting to where I want to go. See you in court buddy.

NO MORE MERCY.

I am so beyond disgusted.

Male/Female Relationships

I have a lot of male friends, and so I've had the luxury of observing men for a long time. I've learned a few things that are almost always true of just about every guy I have ever known.

1. Men are always drawn to the most beautiful girl in the room. They might say "looks are not important, personality matters more", but at the end of the day, the sexier the girl, the more they are drawn to her. It's harsh, but it's true, because men are superficial for the most part.
   
2. You will have to give up your guy friends one day- Guys will get really excited when they start dating, and they will lose sight of the world around them. Trust me on this, I've known a lot of men, and over time, this has always been the case. When they need you, you're their best friend. But best friends are replaceable so easily, especially when there is another girl in the picture. Single men make awesome friends. The best ever. But guys in relationships are not the best of friends, unless their current relationship is a well established one, like it's been around for years. With single male friends, you ultimately have be prepared to step aside for a few years when they meet someone. And then, one day, when (or if) they need you again, they will come back to you and tell you how much they missed you, what a great girl you are, and how you their best friend ever. So, the problem with male friends is that their friendships are not the ones that can last a lifetime. No girlfriend will share her guy and no female friend will ever be worth holding on to. So you have to be fully prepared to give them up one day. A male can very seldomly be a female's lifelong friend. Men can be friends with females for periods of time, but that's pretty much it.
   
3. The girls they marry are often different than the ones they date. Now I don't know why this is true, but it is 100% true. It's like they can date a girl for a pretty face, or to fool around, or as an arm trophy, but when they marry, it's a different kind of girl. As a woman, you have to ask yourself which girl you are, and which girl you want to be. No judgments, because marriage etc is not for everyone. In my experience, the way your male friends treat you will tell you which girl you are. If they think you are a flirt, you will find out. If they think of you as respectable, you will find that out too. Just observe their behavior. It's very telling, and a good learning.

Really, my experience in life, and I'm coming to a real turning point I think, is that men and women cannot really be close friends. See, something always goes wrong. Either her presence around too many men will scare off potential dates, or feelings will develop between her and one of her male friends, or she will be seen by the world as one big gigantic boy toy and the world will fail to take her seriously.

So the problem is, what happens if you're one of those girls who just doesn't fare all that well with female friends? Females are, by nature, very catty, manipulative, competitive and often times they are not sincere. Now I'm not saying ALL women are like this, but I have seen many in my day. I personally, have been one of those girls who fared better with male friends than female friends. I do have a handful of the best female friends that this world has to offer, but I also have double that number in male friends.

My personal issue is that my male friends either scare away the guys who would otherwise be interested in me, or their presence sometimes makes the world think I'm just a flirt, or they meet someone, get self absorbed, and I kicked to the side. While I should see this coming, historically, I have not, and so I get a shock each and every time it happens. DUH! The mature thing to do is to accept this as part of life. After all, nobody has twisted my arm into keeping these friends. These were my choices, and so the consequences are mine to bear.

So how does a girl reconcile these issues? One thought I had recently was gay men. I have a few gay friends. Those relationships are deliciously between female friends and male friends. You get the shopping buddy you get in a girl, the compliments you get with a guy and no competition, no cattiness, etc. A nice balance indeed. And here's the good news- they will never hit on you. It's a 100% safe relationship!

I'll stop my rant. This new year has been a massive year of change for me, especially where friends are concerned. I learned some "truths" about many friends I was not expecting to learn, but for the most part, I think the learning has been good for me. I've learned about 5 sets of friends and the lessons have, for the most part, been good for me.

My horoscope said that this was going to be my year of personal learning, and self development. I would say my horoscope for the year was right.

The Doormat

Doormats are one of the many things we take for granted. Think about it. Doormats are relatively cheap, and they are easily replaceable. They serve a good function. We wipe our feet on them before we enter our homes so that we don't bring dirt into our living space. And over time, one use after the next, the doormat wears down until eventually it starts to fray and then falls apart. Then we go out and buy a new doormat, without even a second thought.

And then, there are people that are very much like doormats. Actually, they allow themselves to become doormats. I think I am one of those people. I am dependable. I am always there for my friends. I am often taken for granted. People often feel they can mistreat me, knowing full well that I will be OK eventually, because I will forgive their indiscretions and move on. They feel it's OK to ask me to take care of them, to give them an ear, to do things for them, to build resumes for them, to cook for them, to care for them, to drive them around, to listen to their whining until obscene hours of the night. And then, despite all that, they feel it's OK for me to be kicked aside according to their schedules, expecting to be able to welcome me back according to their schedules. Because Shaz is cool. Shaz is dependable. Shaz is, after all, the ultimate doormat.

But it doesn't work that way. It shouldn't work that way. I am tired of being a doormat.

You see, abuse comes in many forms. It's not just being punched in the face and thrown down a flight of stairs. That is the obvious abuse. But abuse can be emotional too. It can be as simple as being mistreated emotionally, or as big as being mistreated physically. But here is the thing. We take physical abuse seriously, and minimize emotional abuse. Here is what we don't think of. The average bruise takes 6 days to heal (trust me, I know what I am talking about). How long does an emotional bruise take to heal? Trust me - it can be weeks, months, years.

Emotional abuse is harder.

So who do we blame? Ultimately, we should blame the one who is abused.

There is one thing that can stop abuse. And it's not selfishness. It's self respect.

A selfish person is the one who will put themselves above everyone else. They are the ones who profit by treating others as doormats. None of us should aim to be selfish. On the other hand, a person who has self respect will care for others in the way they would wish to be treated, but they will not allow themselves to be anyone's doormat.

So, if you find yourself being the doormat, the missing link in the equation is self respect. Self respect will allow you to walk from disrespectful relationships. Whether it is family, friends, lovers, whatever. And not only will you walk, but you will walk without feeling hurt, because you will know you did it for the right reasons. The truth is that if you have enough self respect, you will know how you wish to be treated and you will not allow yourself to be mistreated. Nor will you pathetically run back to those who mistreat you.

In my experience, this does not mean that we don't forgive. But it does mean that we don't forgive the same mistakes over and over again. And especially not if those mistakes come from the same person.

So, along the theme of great learnings around friendships, I am adding the self respect goal to my goals for this year.

No more being the doormat. This will be a damned good year for my personal growth. Let's see what I evolve into by the end of the year...