I was doing homework with the kids this evening when the telephone rang. It was their father. I handed the phone to my daughter, who chatted with her dad for a couple of minutes. Their conversation is almost always the same. He says hello, she says hello. He asks how school was, she says "fine". He says I love you, she mechanically says I love you too. He says I miss you, she mechanically says I miss you too. Then she says here, talk to my brother.
It amazes me how she has managed to survive. She knows what to say, what to do, and she speaks to him without emotion. This is what he did to the children. He made his own bed. The sad thing is, as they get older, they will respond less and less. They will after all, grow up, and as they do, they will learn only to love those who have earned their love. And as we all know, love is never earned through control or aggression.
Tonight, as my daughter handed the phone to her brother, he was reading a book and without looking up, he said "I don't want to talk to him". I froze. I looked over at Mary. She froze. She slowly put the phone back to her ear and said "Um, daddy, he's doing homework". I could hear him demanding to speak to his son, so she handed it over again. For a second time, my son said "No. Tell him I'm reading a book and I don't want to talk". Now I could hear my ex getting angry, and I felt bad for my daughter who seemed stressed to be in the middle. She walked over and put the phone to my son's ear, hoping he would say something. His response, "Tell him I don't want to talk to him".
I could hear their dad mutter something about being hurt and then he said his goodbyes. I stayed silent. I so badly wanted to ask my son what was going on, but I didn't feel like it was the right time. Clearly, he wanted the space, and I didn't want to take that away from him. I did however, stroke his hair and put my hand on his shoulder as I walked by him a few minutes later. He paused and put his hand on mine. Then he kept reading his book.
I wonder what happened during their visit this weekend to make my son behave this way. And also, I'm glad that he felt safe enough to be able to voice his feelings. I guess this home is providing him with some emotional protection.
Then again, like I said before, as they get older, they will only learn to deal with their dad in their own way. Perhaps this is going to be my son's way.
I have to say, I would be heartbroken if that ever happened to me. I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence. And I never thought I would say that. Funny how sometimes you can look at your life and almost re-frame things. I'd rather be here today. I'd rather be the one they trust and turn to. I'm glad I'm not still married to this man. If I was, they would feel for me just as they do for him, because I wouldn't have been able to protect them if I was still married. I'm glad I made the choices I made. I'm glad I'm here today, in this home, with these children. It took many bruises for me to get the sense to get here, but I'm glad I'm here. And for the record, I would take a million more to protect my children if I had to. Thankfully, I won't let it come to that ever again.
Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. I have two big ones snuggled in their beds as I type :)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
A Restful Day Off
Today was awesome. I can't even explain why. It was one of those days that I try to have when the kids are away with their dad, but I can never manage to have because life is just too busy. Today I did nothing. Well, it felt like nothing. And I wore no makeup, wore glasses all day, and ran around in jeans and sneakers. And it was wonderful.
I dropped the kids off at school and then went grocery shopping. In peace. No kids. No "Mommy can we buy those?" Or "Mommy- he's hitting me!" -Nothing. Just silence.
Like I said, it was nice.
I came home and made myself a spinach, mushroom and feta omelette with egg whites. Perfect breakfast. Yummy, and within diet rules. It doesn't get better than that. And, I watched TV while I ate. In peace. I NEVER watch TV anymore. It was great.
Next, I folded laundry. While watching old episodes of "The Office". On DVD. Did you get that? I watched a DVD while catching up on laundry. AWESOME.
I cleaned out 12 purses. In them, I found 3 unused 10-ride train passes, 23 subway tokens, 28 pens and 5 long lost lipsticks. No wonder those purses were so damned heavy. No wonder I couldn't find those subway tokens. My right shoulder (the purse shoulder) feels lighter already.
I then proceeded to go to the mall and run a couple of errands. I even had coffee with my dad. I can't remember the last time I did that. I helped him pick anniversary flowers for my mom. Then I went to get the kids, came home, did homework, made dinner, and tucked them in.
And here I am. Relaxed.
Funny how a simple day (that might seem to be like it was full of chores) could feel so relaxing to someone like me. It's actually kind of sad too. But I'm not complaining. I'm grateful to have had this one day.
I dropped the kids off at school and then went grocery shopping. In peace. No kids. No "Mommy can we buy those?" Or "Mommy- he's hitting me!" -Nothing. Just silence.
Like I said, it was nice.
I came home and made myself a spinach, mushroom and feta omelette with egg whites. Perfect breakfast. Yummy, and within diet rules. It doesn't get better than that. And, I watched TV while I ate. In peace. I NEVER watch TV anymore. It was great.
Next, I folded laundry. While watching old episodes of "The Office". On DVD. Did you get that? I watched a DVD while catching up on laundry. AWESOME.
I cleaned out 12 purses. In them, I found 3 unused 10-ride train passes, 23 subway tokens, 28 pens and 5 long lost lipsticks. No wonder those purses were so damned heavy. No wonder I couldn't find those subway tokens. My right shoulder (the purse shoulder) feels lighter already.
I then proceeded to go to the mall and run a couple of errands. I even had coffee with my dad. I can't remember the last time I did that. I helped him pick anniversary flowers for my mom. Then I went to get the kids, came home, did homework, made dinner, and tucked them in.
And here I am. Relaxed.
Funny how a simple day (that might seem to be like it was full of chores) could feel so relaxing to someone like me. It's actually kind of sad too. But I'm not complaining. I'm grateful to have had this one day.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
A Safe Return
The kids are home safe. I always breathe a sigh of relief when he brings them home safe, and once I've spoken to them and checked to ensure that he didn't hurt them while he had them. It's really sick that I have to constantly fear for their safety. I really hope the courts kick in and help the situation soon.
So here is a summary of this weekend's drama, aside from the obvious fact which is that my ex is a total jerk of a human being:
Anyhow, forget him. This is my life, right? I must have done something really heinous in my life to deserve to have an ex like this...
So anyways, one little piece of good news, my daughter was able to read through one of the books my friend brought for her (thanks Saji!). I did have to help her through it, but there was no alphabet reversals happening. Hooray for one step forward!
Tomorrow banks and government offices are closed for Remembrance Day. I am SO looking forward to the day off so that I can run errands, do laundry, groceries, and other house chores. Oh yeah, and to go to the gym. I went to the gym today as well. That was the only thing that helped me calm down from wanting to drop kick my ex. Thank God for the gym.
So here is a summary of this weekend's drama, aside from the obvious fact which is that my ex is a total jerk of a human being:
- He had a hard time getting a supervisor
- We had 29 email exchanges on Friday alone because he was refusing to tell me who would supervise the visit, and where I could reach the children. He's clearly in another one of his manic phases where he thinks he's the king of the world or something, and one where he deliberately gives me a hard time
- Finally when he did tell me who would be supervising, I found out that he was intending to spend some unsupervised time with the kids. I explained that he can't do that. He stated that his interpretation of the order is that he can. I guess I will have to bring this up in court.
- He deliberately brought the children back to me 3 1/2 hours late today. Jerk.
- He did not do any homework with the children.
Anyhow, forget him. This is my life, right? I must have done something really heinous in my life to deserve to have an ex like this...
So anyways, one little piece of good news, my daughter was able to read through one of the books my friend brought for her (thanks Saji!). I did have to help her through it, but there was no alphabet reversals happening. Hooray for one step forward!
Tomorrow banks and government offices are closed for Remembrance Day. I am SO looking forward to the day off so that I can run errands, do laundry, groceries, and other house chores. Oh yeah, and to go to the gym. I went to the gym today as well. That was the only thing that helped me calm down from wanting to drop kick my ex. Thank God for the gym.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Coffee and Books
I had a nice time hanging out with a girlfriend this evening. We went out for Thai food, went to Starbucks and to Chapters and she helped me pick out some early reader books for little Mary. It was a good evening, and I haven't been so relaxed in a really long time.
I now have a bunch of books for Mary to help her read. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. Anything to help my little girl get on track.
Tomorrow the children come home. I can't wait to see my babies again.
I had some nasty correspondence from my ex on Friday. He's obviously not capable of linear thinking, so I think this will come in really handy in court on the 27th.
I now have a bunch of books for Mary to help her read. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. Anything to help my little girl get on track.
Tomorrow the children come home. I can't wait to see my babies again.
I had some nasty correspondence from my ex on Friday. He's obviously not capable of linear thinking, so I think this will come in really handy in court on the 27th.
Academics
There is some stuff that I have been trying to deal with that have been really taxing on me for the past two weeks:
1) I've wanted to have my son tested for ADHD since July. In the beginning, my ex refused. When we went to court, the court ordered that the tests should be done, as they are in the best interests of the child (at court, he of course denied refusing them). Anyhow, the process is taking so long that it is mid November, and it looks like he won't even get tested until spring. The person who will head up the tests will be the assessor who is doing the formal assessment on our parenting capabilities etc. I've paid the assessor his retainer, and I am waiting for my ex to do the same. After this guy gets his retainer, he will start work maybe 8 weeks later. So my son's test will be put on the back burner. It's stuff like this that makes me really wish I had full custody. If my hands weren't tied, I would have had the tests done myself by now. The system sucks.
2) My daughter has been doing poorly in school. Her reading and writing skills fall below even the ESL students. I find this scary. I am an anal mother. I do homework every night. The therapist thinks there is a possibility of her being dyslexic. I have spent the past two weeks frustrated to death, because again, I cannot do anything for these children without my ex's permission, which is impossible to get, or a court order which is timely and costly to get. I spoke to my daughter's school and we are still trying to determine if it is a learning disorder, or if she is behind because she had to make the switch from a Montessori environment (which is learn through play) to a public school (which is structured learning). The teacher and the principal think the issue is the latter- the change in environments. I hope they are right. No, I'm PRAYING that they are right.
I had a small meltdown earlier this week. Thank God for my good friend who happened to call me at night, while I was lying in bed crying. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, I knew I would feel better after talking to her. I was right. Thank God for good people.
Today, my girlfriend and I (she is a teacher) are going shopping. I'm hoping she will be able to help me find the right books/tools to help get my daughter back on track as well. I have to start right at the beginning with her, but I'm totally willing to do it. Anything for my babies.
1) I've wanted to have my son tested for ADHD since July. In the beginning, my ex refused. When we went to court, the court ordered that the tests should be done, as they are in the best interests of the child (at court, he of course denied refusing them). Anyhow, the process is taking so long that it is mid November, and it looks like he won't even get tested until spring. The person who will head up the tests will be the assessor who is doing the formal assessment on our parenting capabilities etc. I've paid the assessor his retainer, and I am waiting for my ex to do the same. After this guy gets his retainer, he will start work maybe 8 weeks later. So my son's test will be put on the back burner. It's stuff like this that makes me really wish I had full custody. If my hands weren't tied, I would have had the tests done myself by now. The system sucks.
2) My daughter has been doing poorly in school. Her reading and writing skills fall below even the ESL students. I find this scary. I am an anal mother. I do homework every night. The therapist thinks there is a possibility of her being dyslexic. I have spent the past two weeks frustrated to death, because again, I cannot do anything for these children without my ex's permission, which is impossible to get, or a court order which is timely and costly to get. I spoke to my daughter's school and we are still trying to determine if it is a learning disorder, or if she is behind because she had to make the switch from a Montessori environment (which is learn through play) to a public school (which is structured learning). The teacher and the principal think the issue is the latter- the change in environments. I hope they are right. No, I'm PRAYING that they are right.
I had a small meltdown earlier this week. Thank God for my good friend who happened to call me at night, while I was lying in bed crying. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, I knew I would feel better after talking to her. I was right. Thank God for good people.
Today, my girlfriend and I (she is a teacher) are going shopping. I'm hoping she will be able to help me find the right books/tools to help get my daughter back on track as well. I have to start right at the beginning with her, but I'm totally willing to do it. Anything for my babies.
Friday, November 09, 2007
No More Children!
Well, I've known it, and been saying it forever. I do not want to have more children, as my hands are full with the ones I have. I've mentioned before that I actually don't even have the desire to have more children. Now I've learned that my children don't want me to have more children. I guess it's nice to know we are all in agreement on this one.
My daughter tonight had a very interesting conversation with me. She asked me how a mother's body knows to develop milk. I told her that it was one of God's gifts. When a mother is pregnant her body develops it, and when the baby grows up, the milk goes away. Then she asked if I had any left. I explained that since she was now six, and hasn't nursed since she was one, that no, I do not have any left. She asked if it would ever come back. I explained that it would only happen if I were to have more children. Then the awkward pause from her, and she says "Oh no, you don't need more children. A baby would bother you." I asked why it would bother me, and she said "It would cry all the time and make you change diapers. You wouldn't like that". I explained that I did it for her, and that diapers are part of life. Then she said "But you have to do homework with us, and the baby would cry and interrupt". Then I explained that I could hold a baby and do homework. She went on to say the baby would poop all over her homework. I explained that a diaper would catch the poop. Then she sighed and said "You just don't need any more kids. You have us. We don't want more kids. We love each other enough and we don't want babies." I smiled and said "Well that's good news because I'm kind of happy with the two I have and I don't think we need more babies either. She beamed. I smiled. She hugged me.
I'm not sure why I played the devil's advocate game. I think I wanted to know if she was thinking I couldn't handle the load of another child (a capacity issue) or if she just didn't want one. (Emotional security/being the baby of the family etc). I think it was the latter.
Interesting how a child's mind thinks. Thank God she didn't ask for another sibling. I'd be up the creek if that happened.
My daughter tonight had a very interesting conversation with me. She asked me how a mother's body knows to develop milk. I told her that it was one of God's gifts. When a mother is pregnant her body develops it, and when the baby grows up, the milk goes away. Then she asked if I had any left. I explained that since she was now six, and hasn't nursed since she was one, that no, I do not have any left. She asked if it would ever come back. I explained that it would only happen if I were to have more children. Then the awkward pause from her, and she says "Oh no, you don't need more children. A baby would bother you." I asked why it would bother me, and she said "It would cry all the time and make you change diapers. You wouldn't like that". I explained that I did it for her, and that diapers are part of life. Then she said "But you have to do homework with us, and the baby would cry and interrupt". Then I explained that I could hold a baby and do homework. She went on to say the baby would poop all over her homework. I explained that a diaper would catch the poop. Then she sighed and said "You just don't need any more kids. You have us. We don't want more kids. We love each other enough and we don't want babies." I smiled and said "Well that's good news because I'm kind of happy with the two I have and I don't think we need more babies either. She beamed. I smiled. She hugged me.
I'm not sure why I played the devil's advocate game. I think I wanted to know if she was thinking I couldn't handle the load of another child (a capacity issue) or if she just didn't want one. (Emotional security/being the baby of the family etc). I think it was the latter.
Interesting how a child's mind thinks. Thank God she didn't ask for another sibling. I'd be up the creek if that happened.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
9 Little Kids
Means one exhausted mother. I will NEVER do that again. I dreaded it, and I was right. As much as I love my children, I cannot explain the amount of fatigue you feel after having them run around your house for 3 hours. I'm ready to pass out.
Aside from my hectic afternoon, I'm finding that I still haven't managed to clear my mental head space. My conversation with my daughter's teacher is still consuming me, and I'm feeling really low at the moment. Kind of hopeless actually. No matter how hard I try, it's not good enough, it's not going to be good enough, and it will only get harder and worse as the children get older. If supposedly this is their best age, and they are in this state, then how will I manage the future?
I'm REALLY concerned about what lies ahead. It's all very hopeless at the moment.
Aside from my hectic afternoon, I'm finding that I still haven't managed to clear my mental head space. My conversation with my daughter's teacher is still consuming me, and I'm feeling really low at the moment. Kind of hopeless actually. No matter how hard I try, it's not good enough, it's not going to be good enough, and it will only get harder and worse as the children get older. If supposedly this is their best age, and they are in this state, then how will I manage the future?
I'm REALLY concerned about what lies ahead. It's all very hopeless at the moment.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Birthday Party Planning
I have my daughter's 6th Birthday party tomorrow. I've tried to keep it very small, and I have only about 8 kids here in total (6 friends plus my two little ones). I'm doing the party at home, and my home is not that large, so I had to keep the number to a minimum. I've learned a few things in this process:
Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).
Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.
I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.
Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.
The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"
When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.
This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.
Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.
As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.
- It is NOT cheaper to do a birthday party at home. You end up running the same cost, and you are ready to pull your hair out as well.
- I am NOT the at-home-birthday-party kind of mom. I will not be doing it again.
- I hate making loot bags.
- I hate wrapping "pass the parcel" gifts a million times. It feels like such a waste.
- I have a headache at the thought of kids running buck wild through the house under my supervision.
Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).
Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.
I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.
Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.
The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"
When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.
This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.
Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.
As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy 6th Birthday Mary!
My baby turned six today. Today I actually did the same thing my parents did to me. I told her that it was six years ago that she was born and oh-so-tiny when I brought her home from the hospital. She was such a good baby, didn't cry much and slept a whole lot. I got giggles out of her when I told her that she would kick me from inside my tummy and I would see a little foot pressing through.
So this is the one day in the year where my children actually wake up early, get dressed and get to school early. They love Halloween. Today, I drove a little Snow White and Captain Jack Sparrow to school, happy as can be. I will get them from their dad at 6pm today, as the court ordered that their dad will get to see them for 3 hours tonight (from 3pm to 6pm), due to Mary's birthday. No problem. I usually get them from Tae Kwan Do at that time anyhow.
So I know I haven't been blogging lately, and it's a bad habit. You know I'm in a funk when...
Well maybe not so much a funk, but just dealing with the ongoing drama. Crazy ex husband- check, drowning in legal bills- check, overworked- check, need a break- check, double check.
Sigh. I wish I would win the lottery.
So this is the one day in the year where my children actually wake up early, get dressed and get to school early. They love Halloween. Today, I drove a little Snow White and Captain Jack Sparrow to school, happy as can be. I will get them from their dad at 6pm today, as the court ordered that their dad will get to see them for 3 hours tonight (from 3pm to 6pm), due to Mary's birthday. No problem. I usually get them from Tae Kwan Do at that time anyhow.
So I know I haven't been blogging lately, and it's a bad habit. You know I'm in a funk when...
Well maybe not so much a funk, but just dealing with the ongoing drama. Crazy ex husband- check, drowning in legal bills- check, overworked- check, need a break- check, double check.
Sigh. I wish I would win the lottery.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Eid Preparations
I took my daughter to an Eid bazaar last night. It was fun. She made one request of me two weeks back, and that was that she wanted a professional to put Mehndi (henna) on her hands for Eid. I took her to an Eid bazaar and she waited in line and got the henna done. $10 later, we went to the next booth and picked up some glass bracelets to match her lengha (indian dress). She was totally thrilled. I'm glad we managed to get out and have some fun.
This morning, she woke up and squealed with delight when she saw how dark the Mehndi was. She came and sat in my lap and asked if I made her spend too much money. I have no idea what made her think of the cost, but I told her that if she was happy, there was no need to worry about what it costed. I wanted to take her, she enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and that is all that mattered. She told me that I was the best mom in the world (I love hearing that), and that she was SOOOOO happy because it's almost Eid. I felt good.
It was amazing to me how still my daughter was as they put the Mehndi on her hands and at how patient she was while she waited for it to dry. She made sure she didn't touch anything, or bump into anyone, so the Mehndi turned out perfectly. Sometimes, she is so much like me that it's scary.
Tonight, I have a few girlfriends coming over so that we can do our Mehndi for Eid. The kids will be home around 9pm, so they will get to enjoy the fun as well for a little while. I love Eid. It's so festive. :)
This morning, she woke up and squealed with delight when she saw how dark the Mehndi was. She came and sat in my lap and asked if I made her spend too much money. I have no idea what made her think of the cost, but I told her that if she was happy, there was no need to worry about what it costed. I wanted to take her, she enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and that is all that mattered. She told me that I was the best mom in the world (I love hearing that), and that she was SOOOOO happy because it's almost Eid. I felt good.
It was amazing to me how still my daughter was as they put the Mehndi on her hands and at how patient she was while she waited for it to dry. She made sure she didn't touch anything, or bump into anyone, so the Mehndi turned out perfectly. Sometimes, she is so much like me that it's scary.
Tonight, I have a few girlfriends coming over so that we can do our Mehndi for Eid. The kids will be home around 9pm, so they will get to enjoy the fun as well for a little while. I love Eid. It's so festive. :)
Monday, October 08, 2007
An Odd Telephone Call
It's been a nice weekend with the children. We've mostly been at home, which was good, because it gave the children the chance to just relax in their own environment. They have played in their rooms, watched TV, done homework, and it's been nice. I took them to a mosque event on Saturday night, and they enjoyed that. We went to my parent's place for Iftaar yesterday, and they enjoyed that too. Overall, it's been a family weekend.
Yesterday, my ex called for the kids. It was the first telephone call that he attempted since our court date on Tuesday. He spoke to the children for awhile and then asked my son to put the phone on speaker. They talked for awhile longer and he started talking about Eid plans. As background, the judge decided that on Eid (which will be Saturday thanks to the scientific committee), the children will be with their father until 2pm and with me after that. He is having difficulty finding a supervisor on the Eid weekend. He asked to speak to me. I picked up the handset so the children wouldn't hear. He basically wanted to break the weekend into 3 days with chunks of 4 hrs per day so he wouldn't have to arrange supervision. (Recall that the courts ordered that any visits shorter than 4 hrs would not require supervision). Since I have a henna party at my house Friday night (and would love to have my daughter here for it), I figured this would work well. That and the fact that he can never do their hair/dress them as well as I can. So the deal is he will have a visit for 4 hrs on Friday evening, return them to me, I will dress them for prayer Sat morning, he will take them from 9:30/10am to about 2pm and then he will see them again Sunday morning for 4 hrs. That works out well too because I have a sushi lunch with the girls on Sunday afternoon.
I think I prefer the 4hr chunks because I can keep checking on the kids to make sure they are OK, he doesn't get a long enough period with them to go nuts on them, and I get to have more time with them. It worked out for both of us. I feel more comfortable around the children's mental and physical well being, and he doesn't have to inconvenience his family.
Then came the next part. Give an inch of airspace and he takes a mile. He went on and on about how we should settle out of court. I'm guessing he's saying that because he realizes that the judge made one ruling in my favour so far, which means that this is not as cut and dry as he originally thought. I told him that unless he was willing to give me full custody and go on his medication, there was nothing that we could negotiate. He scoffed and told me that I would never get full custody. I told him that we had nothing further to discuss. He went on to say that pimps and drug dealers get joint custody and he is not as bad as them, so he won't lose his custodial rights. THAT made me angry.
I asked him how he could deny the abuse in the legal documents. How he could deny hitting me and the children. How could he do that and expect that I would negotiate anything with him moving forward. He acknowledged the abuse (man I need a tape recorder for the next time!), and that he was wrong with the children. I told him that unless he was willing to change his statement for the courts, I have nothing to discuss with him. He cannot lie before the courts and expect that I will respect him or work with him after that. You cannot silence the people that you hurt. He did this to me, and now he is doing this to the children. I told him that I had confidence in the legal system and in God and that these are his (God's) children and that I don't believe they will be hurt further.
My final answer- if you have something to discuss, get your lawyer to call my lawyer. I will not meet you, I will not negotiate with you, and I have no respect for you.
Oh ya, and if you ever touch my kids again, I will rip you to shreds. Take my word on that.
Then I hung up.
So much for Ramadan Spirit. He brings out the worst in me. I think it's my protective mechanism with the children. I would take a bullet for these kids. Let's just hope I never have to.
Yesterday, my ex called for the kids. It was the first telephone call that he attempted since our court date on Tuesday. He spoke to the children for awhile and then asked my son to put the phone on speaker. They talked for awhile longer and he started talking about Eid plans. As background, the judge decided that on Eid (which will be Saturday thanks to the scientific committee), the children will be with their father until 2pm and with me after that. He is having difficulty finding a supervisor on the Eid weekend. He asked to speak to me. I picked up the handset so the children wouldn't hear. He basically wanted to break the weekend into 3 days with chunks of 4 hrs per day so he wouldn't have to arrange supervision. (Recall that the courts ordered that any visits shorter than 4 hrs would not require supervision). Since I have a henna party at my house Friday night (and would love to have my daughter here for it), I figured this would work well. That and the fact that he can never do their hair/dress them as well as I can. So the deal is he will have a visit for 4 hrs on Friday evening, return them to me, I will dress them for prayer Sat morning, he will take them from 9:30/10am to about 2pm and then he will see them again Sunday morning for 4 hrs. That works out well too because I have a sushi lunch with the girls on Sunday afternoon.
I think I prefer the 4hr chunks because I can keep checking on the kids to make sure they are OK, he doesn't get a long enough period with them to go nuts on them, and I get to have more time with them. It worked out for both of us. I feel more comfortable around the children's mental and physical well being, and he doesn't have to inconvenience his family.
Then came the next part. Give an inch of airspace and he takes a mile. He went on and on about how we should settle out of court. I'm guessing he's saying that because he realizes that the judge made one ruling in my favour so far, which means that this is not as cut and dry as he originally thought. I told him that unless he was willing to give me full custody and go on his medication, there was nothing that we could negotiate. He scoffed and told me that I would never get full custody. I told him that we had nothing further to discuss. He went on to say that pimps and drug dealers get joint custody and he is not as bad as them, so he won't lose his custodial rights. THAT made me angry.
I asked him how he could deny the abuse in the legal documents. How he could deny hitting me and the children. How could he do that and expect that I would negotiate anything with him moving forward. He acknowledged the abuse (man I need a tape recorder for the next time!), and that he was wrong with the children. I told him that unless he was willing to change his statement for the courts, I have nothing to discuss with him. He cannot lie before the courts and expect that I will respect him or work with him after that. You cannot silence the people that you hurt. He did this to me, and now he is doing this to the children. I told him that I had confidence in the legal system and in God and that these are his (God's) children and that I don't believe they will be hurt further.
My final answer- if you have something to discuss, get your lawyer to call my lawyer. I will not meet you, I will not negotiate with you, and I have no respect for you.
Oh ya, and if you ever touch my kids again, I will rip you to shreds. Take my word on that.
Then I hung up.
So much for Ramadan Spirit. He brings out the worst in me. I think it's my protective mechanism with the children. I would take a bullet for these kids. Let's just hope I never have to.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Seeing the Truth
My good friend called me the other day to tell me that she had read the blog entry about my daughter's teacher. She had such a refreshing perspective that it stuck with me. I am still in awe at some people's ability to see the silver lining.
She told me it was such a gift that the teacher had the candid conversation with me. "How blessed you are to be told about something like that when you had no clue! Now you can gather whatever you need to help your daughter through this difficult time. Had it not been for that teacher and the conversation, you would never have known how bad it was for her, and you would have found out when she was very severely impacted".
How true. I never thought of it that way.
I was too busy crying and feeling bad for my daughter to realize that perhaps, as sad as this is, I can do something to help her. I am, after all, the adult, and my children are my responsibility. And she's right...being told about something like that is a blessing.
Thanks Saji-for the pep talk. I still feel bad for my daughter, and a bit guilty for the circumstances that brought her here, but you're right. I am very lucky to have been given the information earlier rather than later.
True friends never let you drown in your sorrow for long :)
She told me it was such a gift that the teacher had the candid conversation with me. "How blessed you are to be told about something like that when you had no clue! Now you can gather whatever you need to help your daughter through this difficult time. Had it not been for that teacher and the conversation, you would never have known how bad it was for her, and you would have found out when she was very severely impacted".
How true. I never thought of it that way.
I was too busy crying and feeling bad for my daughter to realize that perhaps, as sad as this is, I can do something to help her. I am, after all, the adult, and my children are my responsibility. And she's right...being told about something like that is a blessing.
Thanks Saji-for the pep talk. I still feel bad for my daughter, and a bit guilty for the circumstances that brought her here, but you're right. I am very lucky to have been given the information earlier rather than later.
True friends never let you drown in your sorrow for long :)
Still Trying to Unwind
I think all the stress leading up to the court day this week has built up in me. I feel drained, even now, and my neck is all tense. I went to the chiro and for a massage tonight, so I'm hoping I will finally be able to sleep.
It's odd. On the one hand, I keep thinking, what a waste- if the guy would just take his meds, this would be so much easier. The children would have a good father, I would be able to avoid all the extra stress, and I wouldn't be draining my finances (aka line of credit) with lawyer's fees. Ex husbands are a pain.
On the other hand, I cannot worry about him, or his meds, because it is totally out of my hands. All I can do is continue to care for these little souls whose well being, both emotional and physical, I have been entrusted with.
My daughter is sleeping in her bed, right here next to me as I type this entry. :)
And that sight- right there, is what keeps me going when I am at my lowest point. Bless her.
It's odd. On the one hand, I keep thinking, what a waste- if the guy would just take his meds, this would be so much easier. The children would have a good father, I would be able to avoid all the extra stress, and I wouldn't be draining my finances (aka line of credit) with lawyer's fees. Ex husbands are a pain.
On the other hand, I cannot worry about him, or his meds, because it is totally out of my hands. All I can do is continue to care for these little souls whose well being, both emotional and physical, I have been entrusted with.
My daughter is sleeping in her bed, right here next to me as I type this entry. :)
And that sight- right there, is what keeps me going when I am at my lowest point. Bless her.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
A Sense of Calm
This morning I feel somewhat calm. My nerves are still frazzled from all the events leading up to yesterday, and I feel very much like I need a massage and a day off. But I think I'm OK for now. I feel calm enough to go into the office and manage through the day. I have taken Friday off this week, so it will be an extra long weekend anyhow, and I plan to spend Friday on myself- massage, chiropractor, etc. I think I can manage until Friday.
It's weird- part of me feels relief, the other part wonders what else he will have up his sleeve for Nov 27. Like my chiropractor said, never back a man into a corner, because he will come out of it ruthless, as he has nothing to lose. I suppose I should just take one day at a time and be grateful for the peace I can have for the next few weeks.
Physically and emotionally, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. I'm glad that the children will be protected for the next little while. Happy that there is some relief from this stress and eternally grateful to those of you who flooded my voicemail and email with your kind words of support and encouragement.
I have no major meetings at the office today, so it will be more of a 'catch up' day which is probably a good thing. I've been so preoccupied with this case that I have parked a few things at the office. Friday will be my day to rest.
It's weird- part of me feels relief, the other part wonders what else he will have up his sleeve for Nov 27. Like my chiropractor said, never back a man into a corner, because he will come out of it ruthless, as he has nothing to lose. I suppose I should just take one day at a time and be grateful for the peace I can have for the next few weeks.
Physically and emotionally, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. I'm glad that the children will be protected for the next little while. Happy that there is some relief from this stress and eternally grateful to those of you who flooded my voicemail and email with your kind words of support and encouragement.
I have no major meetings at the office today, so it will be more of a 'catch up' day which is probably a good thing. I've been so preoccupied with this case that I have parked a few things at the office. Friday will be my day to rest.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Court Appearance #2- Four Hours Later...
You heard correctly. The judge had given us an emergency date for today, allowing us time from 2-3:30 in her courtroom. We went from 2-5:30, an hour and a half past when the courtroom closes, and we had to wait another 30 minutes for her endorsement. I honestly should have been a lawyer.
I am a bit shell shocked. His lawyer was pretty harsh. He started off painting me as an erratic nut, and made his client look like father of the year. No word of a lie. You know those animated lawyers who point fingers at the opposing parties as they shout across the courtroom? Yep, that was his lawyer. My lawyer is right. Personalities between lawyers and clients always seem to match up. Thankfully, my lawyer was pretty darn good in the courtroom. She comes across firm, but very polite, but she knows her stuff.
Anyhow, it overall went well. I don't think I could have asked for much more (except a police enforceable order, which I didn't get). Basically, she (the judge) said that our file was so large that she needed a few more weeks to read through and send an interim endorsement. That should be ready by early November. Not sure what else she needs to add to it, or what this means, but I have no choice. We go back to court on November 27th. Here is what was granted, as well as what will happen between now and November 27th:
And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. At least, for 4 weeks...But man, I am SO mentally and physically exhausted from today. I need a spa day or something.
I am a bit shell shocked. His lawyer was pretty harsh. He started off painting me as an erratic nut, and made his client look like father of the year. No word of a lie. You know those animated lawyers who point fingers at the opposing parties as they shout across the courtroom? Yep, that was his lawyer. My lawyer is right. Personalities between lawyers and clients always seem to match up. Thankfully, my lawyer was pretty darn good in the courtroom. She comes across firm, but very polite, but she knows her stuff.
Anyhow, it overall went well. I don't think I could have asked for much more (except a police enforceable order, which I didn't get). Basically, she (the judge) said that our file was so large that she needed a few more weeks to read through and send an interim endorsement. That should be ready by early November. Not sure what else she needs to add to it, or what this means, but I have no choice. We go back to court on November 27th. Here is what was granted, as well as what will happen between now and November 27th:
- Despite my ex's pleas for more time with the kids, his request was denied
- She refused to grant either of us sole custody this early in the game, but said that she did agree in the passing that this would likely be a sole custodial situation when we are done (thank GOD)
- She recommended that we start an assessment from an individual assessor no later than Nov 1. An assessment takes 6 months to complete and basically looks at the mental stability of both parents, their parenting skills, and responsibility, as well as other factors- conflict between parents etc, and makes a recommendation to the courts around custody and access. This will cost us about $15k total, $7.5k each
- In the meantime, until we go back to court in November, she has agreed that my ex's visitation with the children shall be loosely supervised if the visit spans longer than 4 hours. (Loosely means the supervisor has to be in the same home as my ex, but not necessarily in the same room at the same time). I guess her rationale for that is that it is unlikely that he will go ballistic on the kids in a less than 4 hr visit? Either way, there is only ONE visit that is less than 4 hrs and that is on Halloween, my daughter's bday where we have to share the time with her. Other than that, they are overnights every other weekend.
- I have been granted permission to decide on who can supervise, and I have been given rights to a telephone number, which I can call during his visitation to check on the kids and make sure that they are OK. This is a big deal, because previously, he would take off with the kids and not pick up my calls. Now the supervisor is obliged to take my calls and failure to do so means I can decline them as a supervisor.
- I have been granted the right to travel with the children outside the country, without his permission, provided I have told him where I am going (an FYI) as well as given him a number where we can be reached. This is a big deal, as he had requested that I not leave within 75km of my home with the kids.
- I have been granted the right to keep the kids in therapy, and he has to pay 50% of these sessions
- She did not make the order police enforceable. Her rationale was that we are returning to court on Nov 27th and that given the court ordered supervised visits, he shouldn't be acting up or it will work against him on the 27th. She further didn't like the police intervention as it can be abused
- She still wants 4 weeks to decide what our interim order will be while we go through the assessment. This bothers me a bit...what is she going to do? Can she change her decision around supervision in these 4 weeks? Can she add more access into the mix? I hate the uncertainty.
And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. At least, for 4 weeks...But man, I am SO mentally and physically exhausted from today. I need a spa day or something.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Anxiously Waiting
I wish it were this time tomorrow because this process would be overwith (well-day one of a year and a half long court battle would be overwith).
I went to see my chiropractor today. On Thursday, I rear ended someone at a stop light. That would be my first at fault accident since I was 16. My insurance rates will take a hit. Life is nice, isn't it? When it rains, it pours.
Anyhow, my chiropractor said to take it as a gift. I was at a low speed, nobody got hurt (not even me, despite the previous back injury), and perhaps it was a sign to take it slower, before something major happens. I mean, I wasn't even on the phone! Anyhow, I'll just chalk this up as part of life. It's already been bugging me for days, so I need to let this one go now. It is what it is.
Then, today, I was heading to a meeting at our Bloor/Islington Office. I had to pick up something at St George first and wasn't paying attention when I got on the subway. I was so engrossed in God-knows-what that it took me 7 stops to realize that I had gotten on the Northbound train instead of the Westbound one. That was a total blonde moment. Needless to say, I was late for the meeting. 30 minutes late. Sigh.
Anyhow, I was telling my chiropractor about the status of the case. She and I go back about 8 years, so she has watched much of this unfold. She basically said that his reaction to my documents is somewhat predictable. Never push a man into a corner, because once he has nothing to lose and nowhere to go, he will fight hard and dirty and all integrity goes out the window. How true. We both agreed that I didn't have a choice but to go through this process, but we also agreed that he is just plain cruel, so you can't expect any amount of integrity from him. She offered to give me a character witness or an affidavit. That was kind of her. Funny how some people will go out of their way for you when you really need them, while others sit back and watch. Yet again, this has been a great learning experience for me.
Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow. I seriously doubt I will get any sleep. I had scheduled the day off work tomorrow, but there is one meeting that I didn't feel I should miss so I am going into the office for 10am. Then I will leave at 11 and get to the courthouse for 1:30. In hindsight, maybe it's better that I'm keeping busy in the morning. If I were home, I might have just cried myself to oblivion and showed up at the courthouse with puffy eyes. That just wouldn't be good.
Anyhow, I did take a couple of hours off this afternoon. I went and watched the children in Tae Kwan Do class and then took them to the park. I thought it was fitting to focus the night before court on the children.
I went to see my chiropractor today. On Thursday, I rear ended someone at a stop light. That would be my first at fault accident since I was 16. My insurance rates will take a hit. Life is nice, isn't it? When it rains, it pours.
Anyhow, my chiropractor said to take it as a gift. I was at a low speed, nobody got hurt (not even me, despite the previous back injury), and perhaps it was a sign to take it slower, before something major happens. I mean, I wasn't even on the phone! Anyhow, I'll just chalk this up as part of life. It's already been bugging me for days, so I need to let this one go now. It is what it is.
Then, today, I was heading to a meeting at our Bloor/Islington Office. I had to pick up something at St George first and wasn't paying attention when I got on the subway. I was so engrossed in God-knows-what that it took me 7 stops to realize that I had gotten on the Northbound train instead of the Westbound one. That was a total blonde moment. Needless to say, I was late for the meeting. 30 minutes late. Sigh.
Anyhow, I was telling my chiropractor about the status of the case. She and I go back about 8 years, so she has watched much of this unfold. She basically said that his reaction to my documents is somewhat predictable. Never push a man into a corner, because once he has nothing to lose and nowhere to go, he will fight hard and dirty and all integrity goes out the window. How true. We both agreed that I didn't have a choice but to go through this process, but we also agreed that he is just plain cruel, so you can't expect any amount of integrity from him. She offered to give me a character witness or an affidavit. That was kind of her. Funny how some people will go out of their way for you when you really need them, while others sit back and watch. Yet again, this has been a great learning experience for me.
Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow. I seriously doubt I will get any sleep. I had scheduled the day off work tomorrow, but there is one meeting that I didn't feel I should miss so I am going into the office for 10am. Then I will leave at 11 and get to the courthouse for 1:30. In hindsight, maybe it's better that I'm keeping busy in the morning. If I were home, I might have just cried myself to oblivion and showed up at the courthouse with puffy eyes. That just wouldn't be good.
Anyhow, I did take a couple of hours off this afternoon. I went and watched the children in Tae Kwan Do class and then took them to the park. I thought it was fitting to focus the night before court on the children.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
"Mommy I'm so Confused"
"I don't know who is telling the truth anymore. Is that OK?"
This is what my little girl said to me when she came home from her father's place last weekend. I felt so badly for her that I just wanted to cry. Of course it's confusing for her. Here I am telling her she will always be safe and that I will make sure nobody hurts her and when she goes to her father's, he tells her that I am the enemy and that I am trying to take him away from her. It must be incredibly difficult. Her teacher is right. It's so hard to go through what she is going through.
I told her that I was sorry that she had to go through all this confusion, and I asked if there is anything I can do for her. She paused and said "Daddy never says sorry. He just says why are you confused? I told you what the truth is". I told her that I was sorry because I didn't want her to be confused. I wanted her to be happy and confident. She asked me how a person can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying.
I don't have a straight answer for that question. I mean, I myself am not the best judge of character. I fall for lies all the time, and I trust too easily. And above all else, I was fooled by him and sucked in for 11 years. How can I expect her to be better when I can't teach by example? My only answer to her was to trust her heart, and trust in God, and that she will eventually know who is telling the truth. "What does your heart tell you?"
"My heart tells me that you have never lied to me, and that daddy has. But it also tells me that you and daddy hate each other, so maybe you are both lying to me."
WOW. "Baby, I don't hate your daddy. He's your daddy. I could never hate him".
"But he hates you. He even told me that you are his enemy."
"But I still don't hate him honey"
"Even if he makes you angry?"
"Even when he makes me angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it doesn't mean we hate them. Do you get angry at your brother? But you don't hate him right?"
"Right- but if someone hates you, then you must hate them back?"
"No sweetheart. Hate is a waste of our energy and of our heart. Why would I waste all my energy on hating someone when I need it all to love you guys?"
"I love you mommy. I really do. And my heart tells me that you don't lie. But I'm still a bit confused sometimes, and I'm tired of talking right now. Is that OK?"
"It's OK to be confused, but if you need to talk, you let me know, OK?"
"Thanks mommy".
I know I didn't handle that nearly as well as I should have. I just don't think that one conversation can make a child "unconfused". I mean, her confusion comes from years of being in this situation. I want to give her an outlet to vent, but also empower her to come up with some of her own thoughts. I think she knows the truth, but the pressure is getting to her.
On any account, I will raise this with the children's therapist.
Sigh. One day at a time.
This is what my little girl said to me when she came home from her father's place last weekend. I felt so badly for her that I just wanted to cry. Of course it's confusing for her. Here I am telling her she will always be safe and that I will make sure nobody hurts her and when she goes to her father's, he tells her that I am the enemy and that I am trying to take him away from her. It must be incredibly difficult. Her teacher is right. It's so hard to go through what she is going through.
I told her that I was sorry that she had to go through all this confusion, and I asked if there is anything I can do for her. She paused and said "Daddy never says sorry. He just says why are you confused? I told you what the truth is". I told her that I was sorry because I didn't want her to be confused. I wanted her to be happy and confident. She asked me how a person can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying.
I don't have a straight answer for that question. I mean, I myself am not the best judge of character. I fall for lies all the time, and I trust too easily. And above all else, I was fooled by him and sucked in for 11 years. How can I expect her to be better when I can't teach by example? My only answer to her was to trust her heart, and trust in God, and that she will eventually know who is telling the truth. "What does your heart tell you?"
"My heart tells me that you have never lied to me, and that daddy has. But it also tells me that you and daddy hate each other, so maybe you are both lying to me."
WOW. "Baby, I don't hate your daddy. He's your daddy. I could never hate him".
"But he hates you. He even told me that you are his enemy."
"But I still don't hate him honey"
"Even if he makes you angry?"
"Even when he makes me angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it doesn't mean we hate them. Do you get angry at your brother? But you don't hate him right?"
"Right- but if someone hates you, then you must hate them back?"
"No sweetheart. Hate is a waste of our energy and of our heart. Why would I waste all my energy on hating someone when I need it all to love you guys?"
"I love you mommy. I really do. And my heart tells me that you don't lie. But I'm still a bit confused sometimes, and I'm tired of talking right now. Is that OK?"
"It's OK to be confused, but if you need to talk, you let me know, OK?"
"Thanks mommy".
I know I didn't handle that nearly as well as I should have. I just don't think that one conversation can make a child "unconfused". I mean, her confusion comes from years of being in this situation. I want to give her an outlet to vent, but also empower her to come up with some of her own thoughts. I think she knows the truth, but the pressure is getting to her.
On any account, I will raise this with the children's therapist.
Sigh. One day at a time.
A Frustrating Return
The kids were brought home 30 mins late. I hate it when he does that because I end up sitting on pins and needles wondering if they will be brought home. My reading an Oprah mag this weekend didn't help because the issue I was reading had an interview with a mom who came home to find that her ex husband killed himself and the children. That freaked me out.
Anyhow, the lateness is the least of my concerns. Here is a rundown of what I have found out this weekend:
Anyhow, the lateness is the least of my concerns. Here is a rundown of what I have found out this weekend:
- Contrary to what his lawyer promised my lawyer, their visit this weekend was NOT supervised. He took them to his own home, unsupervised, all weekend
- He force fed my daughter until she threw up (jerk)
- He did not do the children's homework at all. My son has to prepare a presentation and there was some artwork that he did in class that he had to present. My ex kept the artwork and didn't send home the presentation outline. I'm stressed. How do I prepare a kid to present something I've never seen and he can't remember? What do I do- go to the school and explain how dysfunctional we are and then set the miserable example for my son that it is OK to make excuses or blame others when you can't meet your deadlines?
- He kept the children's shoes. Seriously. He kept their brand new school shoes and sent them home in old shoes so tight that they had blisters. What am I supposed to do for gym class? Apparently, he TOLD the kids that he pays me money so he should have a set of clothes at his house, and that if they needed more, I could go and buy more. So he decided to keep their shoes. JERK.
- He did the same thing with their jackets. What am I supposed to send them to school in? Children do not need 2 sets of jackets in 2 homes. Now they don't have jackets for tomorrow. What a JERK
- He took off the silver crystal earrings that I bought my daughter and kept them in his home. Took them. Off her ears. I bought those as a present for her. What a sick demented JERK
Dinner with Friends
I actually got to laugh tonight. Like laugh. Like my throat hurts. It's been awhile. I haven't had a chance to be immature and laugh at plain stupidity. Tonight was one of those nights.
30 people gathered in a restaurant here in the burbs to have dinner. I knew about half of them myself and by the time the evening was over, I got to know almost all of them. One person there was none other than Fatima. I know what you're thinking, but it's complicated. We started off sitting at different ends of the restaurant, each minding our own business. By the end of the night, someone got us together, got a pic of us and said "this one is for Facebook". Well if my ex, oh- sorry- OUR ex doesn't know we walk the same circles yet, he will know it now.
We went back to a friend's place for coffee afterwards. Everyone was chatting and somehow halfway through, someone randomly asked me "So, how do you know Fatima?". I froze. I looked at her. She looked stunned. Then I laughed, turned to her and said "go ahead". She told them "We share the same ex husband". Pin drop silence.
The rest of the evening was all jokes.
-OMG you guys should be on the Jerry Springer show!
-What? Two women who have one ex and don't hate each other, man you are a first for our community
-Do you share notes about his...performance?
-Man- I would hate to be him....
-You guys should co-author a book...
I feel like the town circus. But to be honest, with just 3 days left till court, it was kind of nice to be able to laugh at my own situation. I mean, you're either going to laugh or cry, and to be honest, I've done enough crying lately.
And let's face it. For Fatima to come forward and document all the things she experienced during her marriage in an affidavit to help me and the children was her going above and beyond what most people would do. And to be honest, it's more than many of my friends bothered to do. I guess in the end, I have some things to be grateful for. She could have filed her case, taken off, and never looked back. But she didn't. THANK GOD that she didn't. Her affidavit is a strong piece of evidence showing that my ex is still a risk to the kids. I needed her and I am grateful for the help.
Anyhow, I've been living in the twilight zone lately. This was just another evening, in the Twilight Zone. (Insert creepy Twilight Zone Music)....
30 people gathered in a restaurant here in the burbs to have dinner. I knew about half of them myself and by the time the evening was over, I got to know almost all of them. One person there was none other than Fatima. I know what you're thinking, but it's complicated. We started off sitting at different ends of the restaurant, each minding our own business. By the end of the night, someone got us together, got a pic of us and said "this one is for Facebook". Well if my ex, oh- sorry- OUR ex doesn't know we walk the same circles yet, he will know it now.
We went back to a friend's place for coffee afterwards. Everyone was chatting and somehow halfway through, someone randomly asked me "So, how do you know Fatima?". I froze. I looked at her. She looked stunned. Then I laughed, turned to her and said "go ahead". She told them "We share the same ex husband". Pin drop silence.
The rest of the evening was all jokes.
-OMG you guys should be on the Jerry Springer show!
-What? Two women who have one ex and don't hate each other, man you are a first for our community
-Do you share notes about his...performance?
-Man- I would hate to be him....
-You guys should co-author a book...
I feel like the town circus. But to be honest, with just 3 days left till court, it was kind of nice to be able to laugh at my own situation. I mean, you're either going to laugh or cry, and to be honest, I've done enough crying lately.
And let's face it. For Fatima to come forward and document all the things she experienced during her marriage in an affidavit to help me and the children was her going above and beyond what most people would do. And to be honest, it's more than many of my friends bothered to do. I guess in the end, I have some things to be grateful for. She could have filed her case, taken off, and never looked back. But she didn't. THANK GOD that she didn't. Her affidavit is a strong piece of evidence showing that my ex is still a risk to the kids. I needed her and I am grateful for the help.
Anyhow, I've been living in the twilight zone lately. This was just another evening, in the Twilight Zone. (Insert creepy Twilight Zone Music)....
Friday, September 28, 2007
Sometimes you Just Want to Give Up
I went to the children's school for an open house yesterday. My ex was there also. We tried to be cordial with each other, at least for the sake of the kids. I didn't even get a chance to talk to my son's teacher. I was so drawn into what my daughter's teacher was saying.
She said that in all her years of teaching, she has never seen a child with such advanced verbal skills. She went on to say that usually the kids with the strong verbal communication skills are the brightest kids in the class. In my daughter's case, her verbal skills are years ahead of everyone else, but her academics are very poor. She said that my daughter is having trouble focusing. She knew on day one that she came from a "broken home". She said that my daughter talks about it every day. It's all she talks about. I couldn't bear to hear it. Then she, the teacher started crying. She said she has never seen a child so sad. She says it consumes her. Then I started crying. Imagine a parent teacher interview where both the parent and the teacher are in tears. That was us yesterday. I told her I couldn't do more than what I was doing. She told me to make sure I give her all the attention in the world. My daughter needs it. She said that she would hate to be in my daughter's shoes, with all this sadness built up to the point of paralyzing her from being able to function in school. She said that if we don't help her soon, she will fall really behind in school.
I left in tears yesterday. Honestly, sometimes I wonder what is worse...staying with an abusive man, or letting your children pick up the pieces and feel the brunt of the divorce. I hate doing this to them, yet I'm not the one doing it. I'm doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. And that includes the resources I've had to borrow as well.
With God as my witness, my intentions are to help my children live mentally and physically safe lives. But in the process, their emotional well being is hurt.
I have no ill intentions towards my ex. I actually wish he would move on and find happiness. I was so happy when he got married. I thought it was good for me and the children, and for him. I didn't want him to abuse his second wife, and I didn't want his marriage to end.
I have NO IDEA what I can do to help my little girl. But today, I feel so lost, hurt and confused that it is unbearable.
She said that in all her years of teaching, she has never seen a child with such advanced verbal skills. She went on to say that usually the kids with the strong verbal communication skills are the brightest kids in the class. In my daughter's case, her verbal skills are years ahead of everyone else, but her academics are very poor. She said that my daughter is having trouble focusing. She knew on day one that she came from a "broken home". She said that my daughter talks about it every day. It's all she talks about. I couldn't bear to hear it. Then she, the teacher started crying. She said she has never seen a child so sad. She says it consumes her. Then I started crying. Imagine a parent teacher interview where both the parent and the teacher are in tears. That was us yesterday. I told her I couldn't do more than what I was doing. She told me to make sure I give her all the attention in the world. My daughter needs it. She said that she would hate to be in my daughter's shoes, with all this sadness built up to the point of paralyzing her from being able to function in school. She said that if we don't help her soon, she will fall really behind in school.
I left in tears yesterday. Honestly, sometimes I wonder what is worse...staying with an abusive man, or letting your children pick up the pieces and feel the brunt of the divorce. I hate doing this to them, yet I'm not the one doing it. I'm doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. And that includes the resources I've had to borrow as well.
With God as my witness, my intentions are to help my children live mentally and physically safe lives. But in the process, their emotional well being is hurt.
I have no ill intentions towards my ex. I actually wish he would move on and find happiness. I was so happy when he got married. I thought it was good for me and the children, and for him. I didn't want him to abuse his second wife, and I didn't want his marriage to end.
I have NO IDEA what I can do to help my little girl. But today, I feel so lost, hurt and confused that it is unbearable.
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