My friend Graham says that suicide is a completely selfish act. I've always seen it as a more desperate act than anything else. But there is truth to the selfishness thing. I know my friend was desperate. I know things were rough for him, but they were also looking up. For him to have put his family through everything that he did, and then after all that was over, to then turn and commit suicide, well, that was just selfishness at its peak.
I keep thinking about his children, and the upcoming holiday season. I keep thinking about how much he loved them, and how they were his world. At 19 and 15, those children are going to suffer a massive blow from his decision to end his life. His son was a genius, on a full scholarship for University, and he had just started that part of his life in September of this year. He had high hopes and high dreams for his University years, and now they are going to be impacted by the trauma he will inevitably face as a result of his dear father's tragic suicide.
At this point, I see how many people are impacted by his death- family, friends, colleagues, and I can't help but look at how selfish this was. He took an easy way out, and everyone else is left to suffer and deal with the sadness, the pain, the senselessness of his actions.
On the other hand, I keep telling myself that this was out of character for him. That he wasn't himself, he was in a totally different frame of mind. The person that I know would never give up, and jumping off a bridge when life was just getting better, well, that doesn't make any sense at all. He must have been going through so much torment. If only he had tried to deal with it and get some help.
Anger, sadness, sorrow, and guilt- those are the emotions that I'm left with today.
I'm trying to get back on my feet, but I'm finding it really really hard. To top it off, I have the children with me this weekend, and it's adding to all the chaos. I am in no frame of mind to entertain the children. Thank God for television and toys.
Tomorrow, I have tickets to the company's children's Christmas party. The children are really looking forward to it. I am not. I really don't want to go to a Christmas party and run into all my collegues. I want to be alone. But I can't let the children down, so I will put on the fake smile and try to attend. But I really would rather not go at all. I mean, what's the point of avoiding the office if I just have to see everyone on Saturday anyways? I want to be left alone right now.
They have a journal that they have created at the office for my friend, so that everyone can write about their experiences with him. The journal will then be given to his family. Part of me wants to write in it and the other part is too bitter and hurt to write. I mean what do you say? I'm thinking that I'd rather just not write at all. I'm getting my feelings out here. And the rest, well that's for him, and I'll share those when I go to visit him at his gravesite in a few weeks, on my own. That will be total complete closure. I will after all, finally have the opportunity to have that chat that we were supposed to have on Thursday. It will, of course, be a different encounter altogether, but I will be going, and I will have my opportunity to be alone and make peace with all of this. The funeral however, will be a good start. They say it's scheduled for mid next week. I'm guessing Wednesday or Thursday. I can't wait for it to be over.
I sent out emails to project teams telling them to take him off their distribution lists. I can't bear to see his name on them. I get emails addressed to me and to him and it's killing me to see them. My calendar has all our re-occuring appointments and I went in and deleted them. I know you can't delete a person, nor do I ever want to do that. But I do want to eliminate all the reminders from visual range. Just for now.
Here's another funny thing. I had ordered him a gag gift. I had to cancel the order. I often joked with him that he was the nice quiet one, but really, he was the master of everything. Seriously, everything always went according to his plan. He was very diplomatic and had this knack for getting everyone to do what he wanted, but he somehow made them think it was their idea. I told him he was a voodoo master. He didn't say anything, but he secretly knew and controlled everything. So, I had purchased an office Voodoo kit that was supposed to be delivered to his desk. Given the current situation, that would be most inappropriate, so of course I had to cancel. How sad. He would have loved it. He would have laughed, and the intention was to cheer him up. How so completely sad.
It's amazing how one simple action can have such an enormous impact. He jumped off a bridge and all of his anguish ended in a matter of seconds. And then everyone else's increased one million fold. It's like all the love, care, fun, friendship was just...I don't know what it was, but it wasn't enough for him. I thought we were so close. He made such an impact on my life. And yet, I couldn't even get through to him. I'm told not to take it personally, after all, his girlfriend, his children, those people should have been able to help him, and if they couldn't, then who am I to feel guilty. This is true, but it was me that he came to when he wanted to talk about all the issues he had with his upcoming divorce, and with the move to his girlfriend's place, and with his children's reaction, and so on. I was the objective party. I should have been able to give him the objective view. I thought I was doing that. I know that his death is not my fault, but I just wish I could have helped more. When I was at my craziest moments, he helped me. When he was at his craziest, I couldn't return the favour.
But then again, you can only help the people who are willing to accept your help, right?
Friday, December 01, 2006
My Friend the Artist
I woke up this morning to a combination that I haven't heard very often. The sound of rain against my window, combined with the sound of lots of birds chirping outside. I'm not sure if I've ever heard the two together. I know I've woken up to one or the other, but this was odd, especially for my neighbourhood. Few trees usually means few birds. Birds and rain together is new here, unless I've just never noticed it before. Waking up to an enormous headache didn't help.
I spent last night going through old email correspondences with my friend. I remember the time he looked up the Indian word for "princess" to make me laugh on one particular occasion shortly after my separation. He was trying to say that the next guy would treat me like a princess. The word he came up with was "Rani" which is the word for "Queen". I remember how proud he was that he had found the word. I then replied teasingly and told him he was horrible, cuz he had made me older by making me a queen instead of a princess. He replied and laughed and said a queen was more fitting because my standards were too snobby to be those of a princess. I had refined to queen standards, complete with mood swings. We had a laugh, and from that day on, he stuck with the English word princess, and the Indian word Rani, interchanging them whenever he wanted to bug me.
My friend painted in his spare time. He said it calmed him, and gave him a retreat from the world around him. I found some of his paintings in my emails last night. Whenever he painted a new pic, he would email it to me to see if I liked it or not. I'm attaching two of the pics here. I figure if nothing else, they are worthy of being shared. I was always amazed at how a techie could develop such talent. He even tried to further his skills by taking art classes. I was totally impressed. He took them with his girlfriend, and the both of them would compete to see whose artwork was better. He swears hers were better. I can't comment, as I only ever got to see his work. I was just glad to see that they were both out there, having fun, and taking up a relaxing hobby together. It was good for him to get a break from life's hectic schedule. Over time, he taught me to turn off my blackberry, to take my children for a walk in the park, and to learn to slow down. Life is too short, he would tell me. Indeed it is. Now I feel like it was all a line. How could someone with such a positive outlook do such a horrible thing?
I'm finding that as time goes on, I'm feeling angrier, and guiltier. Angry that he could be so stupid, guilty that I didn't see this coming. In hindsight, he was becoming much more quiet, and talked much less. I knew he was under pressure, but I was trying to give him a little bit of space. I was still emailing and calling, but I thought I would wait and see. I wish I didn't wait.
I'm hearing that the funeral will be mid next week. That is a while away. I am at home, supposed to be working, but I can't focus on the documents in front of me. If I don't get any further by 1pm, I'm calling it a day. I've already had several phone calls this morning from other colleagues in his area. Two of them asked me if I think it was possible he could have committed suicide. I of course tried to keep things covered and said 'wow, I really hope you're wrong. Let's wait and see what the family tells us'. Even when I'm not in the office, I can't hide from it. I could try not picking up the phone, but when I see the number, I have to pick up the phone, hoping that it's someone who can give me more information. It's like the rocks in the Zen Garden all over again. You would rather not do it, but you just can't help yourself.
I just spoke to a few more people who are hearing the same suicide rumor. News travels fast. I'm glad I'm not in the office. I spoke to a family friend and she said he jumped off a bridge. I've been going crazy trying to find it in the news, but I can't find a thing. Why would anyone jump? It makes no sense at all. Which bridge? What time of day? I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason, it does. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, there is no amount of information that is going to make this go by any easier. Nothing is going to change the tragedy of his death.
Why?
I cannot understand why he would do this. I've known since yesterday morning, and it's been killing me inside. I think I would have just preferred if he had a heart attack or something. That I could have lived with. Suicide just leaves everyone numb. How could he do this? Why didn't he listen to my advice and go to the Employee Assistance Programs and the therapist that I recommended? On 6 occasions, I wrote down the telephone number and gave it to him. On 6 occasions I begged him to get help. When we met last Thursday, just a week ago, I knew something was very wrong. I remember how distracted he was. I remember asking him if he was OK. He said he was fine. I called him a liar. He said he promised he would talk to me in a couple of days. That never happened.
Instead, he avoided all my emails and phone calls all week. He had totally shut me out. He replied to my team members, but didn't reply to me. He knew that I was going to push him to get help again. He knew that I saw through his smile. We were supposed to meet yesterday. By that time, he was already gone. He has never let my phone calls or emails go more than an hour without a reply. Not even when I send them after hours. I even get replies to the ones I send him at 11pm, or early on a Saturday morning. This week, my emails were more persistent, but this week, he refused to reply to any of them. He put me off till Thursday morning. He killed himself Wednesday night. He did not want to speak to me. He knew that I knew he wasn't doing well.
I feel like a bad friend for not doing more. I feel like he was a bad friend for not listening to me. I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel hurt. I cannot make sense of anything anymore.
This was a man who was always trying to smile, no matter how hard life was. Over time, I learned to see through the smile and to know when he was faking, but he still tried his best not to show when he was upset. Whenever I would ask him too many questions about his emotional state, he would smile and say "you talk too much". I would always smile and respond by saying "and that's what you love about me". He would agree, and we would laugh.
I knew that he had a lot on his plate personally and professionally. We had many chats for many hours that I thought were helping him, just as he has helped me on many similar occasions in my life. I clearly thought wrong.
When I found out yesterday that he had "died", it wasn't sufficient for me. People don't just die, and when someone tells of someone else's death, it's either a heart attack, an accident, or something. They just don't leave the cause of death out like that. I knew it didn't make sense, and I was going to call his girlfriend for an explanation. I asked his manager what specifically happened to him and she said she didn't know. I told her that I would call around and find out on my own. Then a few minutes later, his other manager called me. She told me not to call the family because they wanted to be alone. I asked if she spoke to the family and she said yes. I asked how he died. She said that he had committed suicide, but that the family didn't want anyone at the office to know, and that I was to keep the information strictly confidential. I agreed to do it. (Yet here I am blogging. I'm sorry. But the paper diary doesn't cut it anymore. I know that only about 15-20 friends read this journal, and 3 of them work with me. I'm trusting those 3 to keep my confidence, and not share his cause of death).
By this time, I was totally a mess. I couldn't understand why he would do this. What would make him take his own life? I knew he had many things on his plate, and I was trying to help him through it. I just didn't think he would be the type to commit suicide. I keep thinking back to all our conversations, and it makes me feel worse. If only I had forced him to go to the EAP, if only I had called him every night to check on his state of mind. If only he hadn't been such a selfish ass.
I asked his manager how he did it. She refused to tell me. She felt that I wasn't ready to hear it, and that in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't even important. That can only make me think that it was horrible. It couldn't have been an overdose or something, as I'm sure she would have told me about that. It had to have been something very very bad. He must have done something really horrible to himself. This is all too tragic for me to bear. She said that she would consider telling me in a few days. I'm going to hold her to it.
After a few hours, she called me and said that she had an EAP trauma counsellor on site and wanted me to speak to him. She felt that it would help me to speak to someone, since I was so badly affected by his death. I said no, I didn't want to speak to anyone, and she kept pressuring me. I finally asked for his name and number and said I would call him back. Then I found out the counsellor was one of my friends. Saved. I went and spoke to him for over an hour. He helped me alot, but as the hours go by, I'm finding that I'm feeling worse and worse. I think he knew that would happen, as he scheduled a follow up session for Tuesday. Great. All I have to do is hang in there until Tuesday. Five days, and possibly one funeral to go. Yeah, this will be a piece of cake.
I think the worst part is walking around the office and pretending like I don't know how he died. I have to act like it was some innocent death, when really, I know it was really really tragic, and I know so much of the background. I also feel so much like I may have been able to stop him if I had only known where his mind was at. I knew he was upset. I just didn't realize he was this upset. Everyone at the office probably thinks I'm a freak for being so upset. They have no idea. Like I said, a heart attack would have been easier to handle. This is just killing me.
I'm waiting for the funeral plans to be final. I'm guessing that people may figure out the truth at that time. I'm hoping they will, because I am a horrible liar, and I am not able to pretend like he died peacefully for much longer. As it is, I've had a few direct questions from his team members. Two of them point blank asked me if he committed suicide. I lied and said I didn't know his cause of death. This is the thing- when they don't tell anyone the cause of death, people draw their own conclusions. They will figure it out eventually. My goal is to avoid the office until then, so that I'm not the one to expose this. I am a horrible liar, so like I said, if I go into the office, everyone will figure out what happened. When a person dies of natural causes, you deal with it an move on. When they commit suicide, you get worse as time goes on. I already had one person say 'I know you knew him well, but death is part of life. You should be able to find some comfort in the fact that this was his time'. What will this person say when I'm still a mess on say, Monday?
But see, that's the problem. This wasn't his time. He did this. That's what makes this so difficult. He had a choice. He didn't have to die. He made his own time. I am so angry at him for being so stupid. And selfish. And stupid. And, yeah. Stupid.
Instead, he avoided all my emails and phone calls all week. He had totally shut me out. He replied to my team members, but didn't reply to me. He knew that I was going to push him to get help again. He knew that I saw through his smile. We were supposed to meet yesterday. By that time, he was already gone. He has never let my phone calls or emails go more than an hour without a reply. Not even when I send them after hours. I even get replies to the ones I send him at 11pm, or early on a Saturday morning. This week, my emails were more persistent, but this week, he refused to reply to any of them. He put me off till Thursday morning. He killed himself Wednesday night. He did not want to speak to me. He knew that I knew he wasn't doing well.
I feel like a bad friend for not doing more. I feel like he was a bad friend for not listening to me. I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel hurt. I cannot make sense of anything anymore.
This was a man who was always trying to smile, no matter how hard life was. Over time, I learned to see through the smile and to know when he was faking, but he still tried his best not to show when he was upset. Whenever I would ask him too many questions about his emotional state, he would smile and say "you talk too much". I would always smile and respond by saying "and that's what you love about me". He would agree, and we would laugh.
I knew that he had a lot on his plate personally and professionally. We had many chats for many hours that I thought were helping him, just as he has helped me on many similar occasions in my life. I clearly thought wrong.
When I found out yesterday that he had "died", it wasn't sufficient for me. People don't just die, and when someone tells of someone else's death, it's either a heart attack, an accident, or something. They just don't leave the cause of death out like that. I knew it didn't make sense, and I was going to call his girlfriend for an explanation. I asked his manager what specifically happened to him and she said she didn't know. I told her that I would call around and find out on my own. Then a few minutes later, his other manager called me. She told me not to call the family because they wanted to be alone. I asked if she spoke to the family and she said yes. I asked how he died. She said that he had committed suicide, but that the family didn't want anyone at the office to know, and that I was to keep the information strictly confidential. I agreed to do it. (Yet here I am blogging. I'm sorry. But the paper diary doesn't cut it anymore. I know that only about 15-20 friends read this journal, and 3 of them work with me. I'm trusting those 3 to keep my confidence, and not share his cause of death).
By this time, I was totally a mess. I couldn't understand why he would do this. What would make him take his own life? I knew he had many things on his plate, and I was trying to help him through it. I just didn't think he would be the type to commit suicide. I keep thinking back to all our conversations, and it makes me feel worse. If only I had forced him to go to the EAP, if only I had called him every night to check on his state of mind. If only he hadn't been such a selfish ass.
I asked his manager how he did it. She refused to tell me. She felt that I wasn't ready to hear it, and that in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't even important. That can only make me think that it was horrible. It couldn't have been an overdose or something, as I'm sure she would have told me about that. It had to have been something very very bad. He must have done something really horrible to himself. This is all too tragic for me to bear. She said that she would consider telling me in a few days. I'm going to hold her to it.
After a few hours, she called me and said that she had an EAP trauma counsellor on site and wanted me to speak to him. She felt that it would help me to speak to someone, since I was so badly affected by his death. I said no, I didn't want to speak to anyone, and she kept pressuring me. I finally asked for his name and number and said I would call him back. Then I found out the counsellor was one of my friends. Saved. I went and spoke to him for over an hour. He helped me alot, but as the hours go by, I'm finding that I'm feeling worse and worse. I think he knew that would happen, as he scheduled a follow up session for Tuesday. Great. All I have to do is hang in there until Tuesday. Five days, and possibly one funeral to go. Yeah, this will be a piece of cake.
I think the worst part is walking around the office and pretending like I don't know how he died. I have to act like it was some innocent death, when really, I know it was really really tragic, and I know so much of the background. I also feel so much like I may have been able to stop him if I had only known where his mind was at. I knew he was upset. I just didn't realize he was this upset. Everyone at the office probably thinks I'm a freak for being so upset. They have no idea. Like I said, a heart attack would have been easier to handle. This is just killing me.
I'm waiting for the funeral plans to be final. I'm guessing that people may figure out the truth at that time. I'm hoping they will, because I am a horrible liar, and I am not able to pretend like he died peacefully for much longer. As it is, I've had a few direct questions from his team members. Two of them point blank asked me if he committed suicide. I lied and said I didn't know his cause of death. This is the thing- when they don't tell anyone the cause of death, people draw their own conclusions. They will figure it out eventually. My goal is to avoid the office until then, so that I'm not the one to expose this. I am a horrible liar, so like I said, if I go into the office, everyone will figure out what happened. When a person dies of natural causes, you deal with it an move on. When they commit suicide, you get worse as time goes on. I already had one person say 'I know you knew him well, but death is part of life. You should be able to find some comfort in the fact that this was his time'. What will this person say when I'm still a mess on say, Monday?
But see, that's the problem. This wasn't his time. He did this. That's what makes this so difficult. He had a choice. He didn't have to die. He made his own time. I am so angry at him for being so stupid. And selfish. And stupid. And, yeah. Stupid.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
An Enormous Loss
I had no idea what I was in for today. I rushed out this morning to meet my colleague for a 3 hour planning session we had scheduled. It's weird because he usually replies to my emails within minutes, and usually calls me back as soon as possible. We've worked together for 8 years now, and he is one of the closest friends I have from the office. He has helped me through my divorce, made me laugh, and saved my butt many times when I made a bad decision or said something in haste.
Yesterday, he didn't reply to any of my pages, emails, telephone calls. Yesterday I knew something was wrong, but I thought I would just discuss it with him today. Today never happened.
I came into the office grunting about how upset I was that he didn't return my emails, and didn't show for our meeting. I walked in around 10:30, only to see my good friend waiting for me to tell me the news, that being that he died last night.
I have been a wreck all day. People don't just die in their early 40's. Something happens. You don't have inexplicable deaths at that age. It doesn't add up. And losing this friend in particular, well, I don't know. The office is starting to feel really suffocating right now. First my boss, now my friend. I have two friends at the office who 100% every time without fail kept me sane. This was one of them. The other one spent her day consoling me today. Bless her. But to lose 2 out of these 3 people, well, I cannot explain how hard this is for me. He was an awesome friend.
Today was like a bad dream. I sobbed hysterically in a conference room in the office. People saw me. I feel embarrassed. Damn the corporate world. You're just not allowed to be human. Sometimes I think that I just don't belong here. Everyone was worried about me. I mean, I know they all know I was very close to this person, but not one single person other than myself was breaking down. So what's the deal? Am I the only freak? I feel....odd. Like everyone around thinks I'm made of eggshells or something. My colleagues wouldn't even let me drive home. They insisted on driving me home. I felt a bit defensive, like what did they think- that I would drive my car off a cliff or something? Then they explained that they felt it was just better if I weren't driving since I was so distracted. I can see their point, but still...
I only wanted to talk to the people who knew what my friend meant to me. Everyone else, whether close friend or not, was not allowed in my circle. I had no time for it. Oddly enough, I almost forgot about my parent teacher meeting tonight. My ex called an hour beforehand to remind me. I was crying at the time of the call. He was concerned, I told him what had happened. He knew my friend and was worried for me. He knew how close we were.
30 minutes later, he showed up at my doorsteps with a bouquet of flowers and an order of take out sushi. I was shocked, and a bit skeptical. I kept thinking 'what an opportunist'. I think he read my mind, because he said that he was definitely a crappy husband, but at least he could be a decent Ex husband. He brought the flowers for me, and the sushi because if he knew anything about me, it would be that I forgot to eat today. He was right. It was 6pm and I hadn't even had breakfast. I thanked him for the thought, and told him that I was concerned that this would come with heavy strings. He is, after all, the master of the 'give an inch take a mile' thing. He reassured me that it wasn't a ploy. I don't know that I trust him yet, but if he is telling the truth, it was a thoughtful gesture, and it came at a moment where I was feeling very alone. Only time will tell on that one.
I spent today just spinning. Remembering my last few conversations with this friend, wondering how I can possibly move on without him around. He was a very strong source of support and advice. And a dear friend. He was going to bring his girlfriend to have dinner at my place next weekend. One more week. If he had just held on.
About a week ago, I mentioned to a good friend that I have been lucky. I have never had to deal with death. Well I did once, but that was my aunt who died a few years back, and as difficult as it was to see her go, I was almost relieved when she died. She was in a horribly abusive marriage and her death meant freedom. She was better off, since she refused to leave her dog-of-a-husband, and things weren't getting better for her.
The person that I spoke to said that I should never talk about how lucky I am in that regard. You never know when something is around the corner. Just be thankful that you haven't had those experiences. But never voice it out loud...you may jinx it. Now I feel bad.
I'm waiting for the funeral, and hoping it will give me some closure. I have had an emotional month; hell, an emotional year, and I feel worn ragged. I cannot take much more of this. Everyone has a breaking point. The really sad thing is that I know a lot more about this situation than I can openly talk about at this time. You see, we were both here as each other's support, so I knew as much about his personal situation as he did about mine. Having to keep silent and not being able to speak the truth is a horrible thing. Especially now.
Back to the paper journal I go.
Yesterday, he didn't reply to any of my pages, emails, telephone calls. Yesterday I knew something was wrong, but I thought I would just discuss it with him today. Today never happened.
I came into the office grunting about how upset I was that he didn't return my emails, and didn't show for our meeting. I walked in around 10:30, only to see my good friend waiting for me to tell me the news, that being that he died last night.
I have been a wreck all day. People don't just die in their early 40's. Something happens. You don't have inexplicable deaths at that age. It doesn't add up. And losing this friend in particular, well, I don't know. The office is starting to feel really suffocating right now. First my boss, now my friend. I have two friends at the office who 100% every time without fail kept me sane. This was one of them. The other one spent her day consoling me today. Bless her. But to lose 2 out of these 3 people, well, I cannot explain how hard this is for me. He was an awesome friend.
Today was like a bad dream. I sobbed hysterically in a conference room in the office. People saw me. I feel embarrassed. Damn the corporate world. You're just not allowed to be human. Sometimes I think that I just don't belong here. Everyone was worried about me. I mean, I know they all know I was very close to this person, but not one single person other than myself was breaking down. So what's the deal? Am I the only freak? I feel....odd. Like everyone around thinks I'm made of eggshells or something. My colleagues wouldn't even let me drive home. They insisted on driving me home. I felt a bit defensive, like what did they think- that I would drive my car off a cliff or something? Then they explained that they felt it was just better if I weren't driving since I was so distracted. I can see their point, but still...
I only wanted to talk to the people who knew what my friend meant to me. Everyone else, whether close friend or not, was not allowed in my circle. I had no time for it. Oddly enough, I almost forgot about my parent teacher meeting tonight. My ex called an hour beforehand to remind me. I was crying at the time of the call. He was concerned, I told him what had happened. He knew my friend and was worried for me. He knew how close we were.
30 minutes later, he showed up at my doorsteps with a bouquet of flowers and an order of take out sushi. I was shocked, and a bit skeptical. I kept thinking 'what an opportunist'. I think he read my mind, because he said that he was definitely a crappy husband, but at least he could be a decent Ex husband. He brought the flowers for me, and the sushi because if he knew anything about me, it would be that I forgot to eat today. He was right. It was 6pm and I hadn't even had breakfast. I thanked him for the thought, and told him that I was concerned that this would come with heavy strings. He is, after all, the master of the 'give an inch take a mile' thing. He reassured me that it wasn't a ploy. I don't know that I trust him yet, but if he is telling the truth, it was a thoughtful gesture, and it came at a moment where I was feeling very alone. Only time will tell on that one.
I spent today just spinning. Remembering my last few conversations with this friend, wondering how I can possibly move on without him around. He was a very strong source of support and advice. And a dear friend. He was going to bring his girlfriend to have dinner at my place next weekend. One more week. If he had just held on.
About a week ago, I mentioned to a good friend that I have been lucky. I have never had to deal with death. Well I did once, but that was my aunt who died a few years back, and as difficult as it was to see her go, I was almost relieved when she died. She was in a horribly abusive marriage and her death meant freedom. She was better off, since she refused to leave her dog-of-a-husband, and things weren't getting better for her.
The person that I spoke to said that I should never talk about how lucky I am in that regard. You never know when something is around the corner. Just be thankful that you haven't had those experiences. But never voice it out loud...you may jinx it. Now I feel bad.
I'm waiting for the funeral, and hoping it will give me some closure. I have had an emotional month; hell, an emotional year, and I feel worn ragged. I cannot take much more of this. Everyone has a breaking point. The really sad thing is that I know a lot more about this situation than I can openly talk about at this time. You see, we were both here as each other's support, so I knew as much about his personal situation as he did about mine. Having to keep silent and not being able to speak the truth is a horrible thing. Especially now.
Back to the paper journal I go.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Zen Garden
I love the sand. I want to go to a beach and just hang out with the kids. My kids love the sand. My children were talking tonight about the sandbox outside, and asking why they can't play outside anymore. CUZ its too cold guys! Sheesh.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with some office colleagues. I have a Zen garden on my desk. When I originally separated from my ex, I found that I was getting really frustrated on my conference calls. I suppose I was very overwhelmed, and had less patience than normal. (My patience still hasn't returned, but that's another story in itself). I knew this wasn't right, so I decided to get the Zen garden, hoping that it would calm me down.
Anyhow, I wanted to be able to play with the Zen garden while on the phone. What I didn't expect was for the Zen garden to become what it has become. I have a habit of burying the rocks. I come in, bury the rocks in the sand, and then I don't touch the Zen garden again for the rest of the day. I somehow get some perverse pleasure from knowing that the rocks are buried beneath the sand.
Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell me that this isn't right. I know it isn't. But I don't care. The order of the Zen garden makes me feel like everything is how it should be. I come in, I bury the rocks, I feel content. Just don't mess them up. My desk, my rocks, my Zen Garden.
Some colleagues talked about stealing the rocks. I seriously think I would have a cardiac if they did it. I think I would lose my ability to function for the day, and no I'm not joking. It would disturb me and consume my mind while I'm in meetings. I would feel like things are messed up and I would feel unsettled. In fact, ever since they said it, I come in and feel a bit stressed as I walk to my desk. I look at my Zen Garden before I sit down and poke it to make sure the rocks are still there. No, I'm not kidding. I am dead serious. I know it's sick, but I have been freaked out at the thought of someone stealing those rocks. I've actually contemplated locking them in my desk before I leave for the night. Now that's freaky.
Yeah, I know...I still have issues. I just read the paragraph above and realized my Ex may not be the only freak in town. I'm going back to therapy. :)
How about this....I go back to therapy, and when I no longer feel the need to bury the rocks, we know I'm all better. It can be the barometer to my success. Now there's a plan!
Just don't touch the rocks in the meantime.
And, don't judge me. It's not like the rest of you don't have your own issues. The way I see it, I'm doing really well. I was the girl who buried all emotions and didn't talk about any of her concerns with anyone. Nobody knew how unhappy I was. Now I talk, I blog, and yeah, I bury rocks. But hey- I've still come a long way.
Stop judging. And stay away from my rocks.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with some office colleagues. I have a Zen garden on my desk. When I originally separated from my ex, I found that I was getting really frustrated on my conference calls. I suppose I was very overwhelmed, and had less patience than normal. (My patience still hasn't returned, but that's another story in itself). I knew this wasn't right, so I decided to get the Zen garden, hoping that it would calm me down.
Anyhow, I wanted to be able to play with the Zen garden while on the phone. What I didn't expect was for the Zen garden to become what it has become. I have a habit of burying the rocks. I come in, bury the rocks in the sand, and then I don't touch the Zen garden again for the rest of the day. I somehow get some perverse pleasure from knowing that the rocks are buried beneath the sand.
Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell me that this isn't right. I know it isn't. But I don't care. The order of the Zen garden makes me feel like everything is how it should be. I come in, I bury the rocks, I feel content. Just don't mess them up. My desk, my rocks, my Zen Garden.
Some colleagues talked about stealing the rocks. I seriously think I would have a cardiac if they did it. I think I would lose my ability to function for the day, and no I'm not joking. It would disturb me and consume my mind while I'm in meetings. I would feel like things are messed up and I would feel unsettled. In fact, ever since they said it, I come in and feel a bit stressed as I walk to my desk. I look at my Zen Garden before I sit down and poke it to make sure the rocks are still there. No, I'm not kidding. I am dead serious. I know it's sick, but I have been freaked out at the thought of someone stealing those rocks. I've actually contemplated locking them in my desk before I leave for the night. Now that's freaky.
Yeah, I know...I still have issues. I just read the paragraph above and realized my Ex may not be the only freak in town. I'm going back to therapy. :)
How about this....I go back to therapy, and when I no longer feel the need to bury the rocks, we know I'm all better. It can be the barometer to my success. Now there's a plan!
Just don't touch the rocks in the meantime.
And, don't judge me. It's not like the rest of you don't have your own issues. The way I see it, I'm doing really well. I was the girl who buried all emotions and didn't talk about any of her concerns with anyone. Nobody knew how unhappy I was. Now I talk, I blog, and yeah, I bury rocks. But hey- I've still come a long way.
Stop judging. And stay away from my rocks.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Climbing DOWN the Corporate Ladder?
I found this article interesting. I mean, I've definitely heard of people making life choices or life changes, like quitting their corporate jobs to be at home moms, or like leaving the corporate world to become your own boss, even if it means a pay cut. I've heard of people working flex hours to manage crazy schedules. I even fall into this category. But I haven't heard a lot about people deliberately moving DOWN the corporate ladder by choice.
I shouldn't be totally shocked. I mean, when I sat in that hospital bed almost 3 years ago, I actually wondered what had made me so stressed out that I had ended up there. I wondered if it was my job at the time, not because I didn't enjoy it, but because one individual in particular had made my life such hell that I couldn't even admit to people that I was in the hospital. That's a whole other story in itself, but I did conclude that the two things stressing me out were my marriage, and this individual. Fortunately, she left, and life at work went on happily. As for the marriage, well, you know how that decision went.
But what if I had concluded that my job was too stressful? I wonder if I would be the type to willingly take a pay cut and move down into a less demanding job. I'm thinking not. I think my ego wouldn't allow it, but hats off to anyone who can be gloriously self loving enough to do something like that for their own well being.
I'm inclined to be critical and say that I'm not that good to myself, but then again, just to pat my own back, I did stay in my current role longer than I normally would have for 3 reasons, and NONE of them were career advancement. Those 3 reasons were my awesome boss, my awesome colleagues, and lifestyle (specifically, the flexible work environment which has definitely been a Godsend, especially while going through the divorce, and especially as a single mom).
But now, with my boss gone, and with the upcoming re-org at the office (meaning potentially not having the same colleagues and a new boss to boot), the very things that I currently enjoy will likely disappear. I suppose all good things do eventually come to an end, but I will need to figure out what that means for me, and what I should do as a result. I truly don't see any of them remaining in tact at this point in time. Possibly the flexible schedule, but that appears to be a long shot.
Don't get too excited. That doesn't mean I would be willing to climb down the corporate ladder or anything like that. Like I said, I don't think it's for me. I'm a bit too competitive, my ego is a bit too big, and yeah, I need the financial resources to stay in tact, so a pay cut wouldn't be in the cards for me. I would just need to find something that fits my lifestyle needs enough that my children won't be impacted. Here's to hoping...
On that note, maybe I should have gone into teaching or something, instead of going the corporate route. I know- my teacher friends are reading and getting ticked- but seriously- out at 4pm and summers off? Come on! Yes I know you work at night...but HELLO so do I!!! My sis is in teachers college. She is SO on the right track. I'm envying her right now. Then again, having to deal with a bunch of kids all day and then coming home to my own would probably NOT be the best choice for me. Corporate world it is.
I shouldn't be totally shocked. I mean, when I sat in that hospital bed almost 3 years ago, I actually wondered what had made me so stressed out that I had ended up there. I wondered if it was my job at the time, not because I didn't enjoy it, but because one individual in particular had made my life such hell that I couldn't even admit to people that I was in the hospital. That's a whole other story in itself, but I did conclude that the two things stressing me out were my marriage, and this individual. Fortunately, she left, and life at work went on happily. As for the marriage, well, you know how that decision went.
But what if I had concluded that my job was too stressful? I wonder if I would be the type to willingly take a pay cut and move down into a less demanding job. I'm thinking not. I think my ego wouldn't allow it, but hats off to anyone who can be gloriously self loving enough to do something like that for their own well being.
I'm inclined to be critical and say that I'm not that good to myself, but then again, just to pat my own back, I did stay in my current role longer than I normally would have for 3 reasons, and NONE of them were career advancement. Those 3 reasons were my awesome boss, my awesome colleagues, and lifestyle (specifically, the flexible work environment which has definitely been a Godsend, especially while going through the divorce, and especially as a single mom).
But now, with my boss gone, and with the upcoming re-org at the office (meaning potentially not having the same colleagues and a new boss to boot), the very things that I currently enjoy will likely disappear. I suppose all good things do eventually come to an end, but I will need to figure out what that means for me, and what I should do as a result. I truly don't see any of them remaining in tact at this point in time. Possibly the flexible schedule, but that appears to be a long shot.
Don't get too excited. That doesn't mean I would be willing to climb down the corporate ladder or anything like that. Like I said, I don't think it's for me. I'm a bit too competitive, my ego is a bit too big, and yeah, I need the financial resources to stay in tact, so a pay cut wouldn't be in the cards for me. I would just need to find something that fits my lifestyle needs enough that my children won't be impacted. Here's to hoping...
On that note, maybe I should have gone into teaching or something, instead of going the corporate route. I know- my teacher friends are reading and getting ticked- but seriously- out at 4pm and summers off? Come on! Yes I know you work at night...but HELLO so do I!!! My sis is in teachers college. She is SO on the right track. I'm envying her right now. Then again, having to deal with a bunch of kids all day and then coming home to my own would probably NOT be the best choice for me. Corporate world it is.
Monday, November 27, 2006
The Ex's New Look
I got a call from a friend today who wanted to know if I've seen my ex's latest "look". The answer is yes I have. He was apparently much more amused by the look than I was. He thought the 'Jason Priestly' sideburns that have been busting out are way too funny. I think it's good for my ex. It's funny because all the while I was thinking to myself...well, I look different now too. I've been looking after myself more as well. Oddly enough, we've both moved in the same direction. He's shed some of the traditional Muslim look as have I. My friend was kind enough to say it's not the same thing...but I disagree. I think it's very much the same.
I guess that's what happens when you get divorced...you change some things about yourself, or you become more conscious of how you look and feel. I don't think it's a conscious effort to attract anyone or anything like that. (OK- well, pot shot, but in his case I think it's definitely a conscious effort to attract others), but for me, it was more about wanting to look good and feel good because I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I would be better off without him. Looking and feeling better is the first step to genuinely being better off I suppose. But for him, it's all about attracting women, and he even said it to me, which I found very amusing.
His recent changes (all of which are good in my opinion) are:
OK...Let's be fair. I've made my fair share of changes too, none of which were major, except for losing the scarf. My friends would say that I'm going to hell, but that's debatable. I do enjoy having my hair back, and it makes a gigantic difference on appearance, as well as having a major impact on how I relate with the world around me.
Anyhow, it's all just food for thought. We all have different reasons for making the changes that we make. Some are better than others, but if the net result is positive, I say go for it.
I'm sure my friend will have a thing or two to add...Go ahead honey...take a pot shot.
I guess that's what happens when you get divorced...you change some things about yourself, or you become more conscious of how you look and feel. I don't think it's a conscious effort to attract anyone or anything like that. (OK- well, pot shot, but in his case I think it's definitely a conscious effort to attract others), but for me, it was more about wanting to look good and feel good because I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I would be better off without him. Looking and feeling better is the first step to genuinely being better off I suppose. But for him, it's all about attracting women, and he even said it to me, which I found very amusing.
His recent changes (all of which are good in my opinion) are:
- lost weight (at least 20 lbs)
- more muscular and active, involved in sports
- shaved off the beard. This is a huge deal if you're from the Muslim community, but hey, I took off the scarf, so who the heck am I to talk? Apparently I'm destined for hell for my decision, so apparently, my former hubby and I will end up in the same place. How ironic is that? Life sucks doesn't it?
- grew in the Jason Priestly sideburns. OK- they look OK on him, but I did laugh the first time I saw them. I asked him what the heck he was doing, and he said his hairdresser told him to do it cuz the "chicks dig it". Um, maybe they did in 1980...but whatever suits your fancy buddy...
- new clothes, paying more attention to what he wears...trying to lose the slob look
OK...Let's be fair. I've made my fair share of changes too, none of which were major, except for losing the scarf. My friends would say that I'm going to hell, but that's debatable. I do enjoy having my hair back, and it makes a gigantic difference on appearance, as well as having a major impact on how I relate with the world around me.
Anyhow, it's all just food for thought. We all have different reasons for making the changes that we make. Some are better than others, but if the net result is positive, I say go for it.
I'm sure my friend will have a thing or two to add...Go ahead honey...take a pot shot.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
A Weekend Away
I went to NYC to visit a friend this weekend. I had a nice time there. I was really hoping to see the tree lit up at the Rockefeller Centre, but they won't be lighting it until Wed :(
My luck. Otherwise, it was really beautiful in Manhattan. Christmas has a very different feel there than it does in Toronto. It's just more- festive and Christmas-sy I guess. That coming from the Muslim girl - tee hee. Hey- what can I say- I love the season...it's all so beautiful.
I really wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre, but the line was too long. We opted to have dinner in the restaurant overlooking the ice rink. As we were dining, we saw one guy propose to his girlfriend. It's really funny- they have this complete engagement package for anyone who wants to propose. So you pay $200, you get to bypass the line up, you get exclusive time on the ice with your date, and you get to propose in front of everyone.
I think it's cheesy. I would hate it if someone did something so un-original and brutally public for such an intimate and special moment. I guess it's cute if you're really young, like early 20's, but it's really cheesy if you're older than that.
My luck. Otherwise, it was really beautiful in Manhattan. Christmas has a very different feel there than it does in Toronto. It's just more- festive and Christmas-sy I guess. That coming from the Muslim girl - tee hee. Hey- what can I say- I love the season...it's all so beautiful.
I really wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre, but the line was too long. We opted to have dinner in the restaurant overlooking the ice rink. As we were dining, we saw one guy propose to his girlfriend. It's really funny- they have this complete engagement package for anyone who wants to propose. So you pay $200, you get to bypass the line up, you get exclusive time on the ice with your date, and you get to propose in front of everyone.
I think it's cheesy. I would hate it if someone did something so un-original and brutally public for such an intimate and special moment. I guess it's cute if you're really young, like early 20's, but it's really cheesy if you're older than that.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Chat with my Former Boss
It sounds so weird to call him that. I think in my mind he will always be my boss. 8 years is a very long working relationship. I spoke to him on Saturday night (well, technically Sunday morning- today). I was online and sent him an email at 12:30am (today) and he replied and asked if I was available to talk on the phone. I said I would love to. I haven't spoken to him even once since all this happened. It was nice to speak to him.
We didn't discuss any particulars around his departure from the company. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to ask any questions. We just sort of talked. He said he was doing fine, and that he really misses everyone, and asked me to send his best to everyone. He said he would be in touch with us soon and that we could all meet later on. He asked alot about how I am doing on a personal front. He knew that just a few weeks ago my ex was really driving me crazy and he wanted to know how the stalking situation was going. I told him that it's settling down, and he seemed relieved to hear it. And that my friends is why I miss him so much- a boss who genuinely cares about your well being. Now imagine that!
All in all, I would say that this conversation was good for me. It gave me a sense of ease to talk to him, and to know that he will be ok. I feel so much better now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to see him leave, but I don't feel this big open unresolved thing. It's sort of closure on his departure, but not closure on the friendship of course. That should hopefully stay alive for years to come.
But like I said, I feel alot better now.
We didn't discuss any particulars around his departure from the company. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to ask any questions. We just sort of talked. He said he was doing fine, and that he really misses everyone, and asked me to send his best to everyone. He said he would be in touch with us soon and that we could all meet later on. He asked alot about how I am doing on a personal front. He knew that just a few weeks ago my ex was really driving me crazy and he wanted to know how the stalking situation was going. I told him that it's settling down, and he seemed relieved to hear it. And that my friends is why I miss him so much- a boss who genuinely cares about your well being. Now imagine that!
All in all, I would say that this conversation was good for me. It gave me a sense of ease to talk to him, and to know that he will be ok. I feel so much better now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to see him leave, but I don't feel this big open unresolved thing. It's sort of closure on his departure, but not closure on the friendship of course. That should hopefully stay alive for years to come.
But like I said, I feel alot better now.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Squishy Tummies
I can't believe I'm about to post this, but...
My daughter this morning woke up and then placed her head on my tummy and went back to sleep. An hour later we both woke up, and she smiled at me and said "Mommy- do you know one thing that all mommies have that's the same?"
"No baby, what is it?"
"Squishy tummies"
"What? What do you mean?"
"God gave all mommies squishy tummies so their children can lie on them and feel comfy and go to sleep. That's why ladies with no babies don't have squishy tummies. I LOVE squishy tummies".
Damn! And I thought kids didn't notice that stuff. I thought they thought I was perfect. I guess explaining that the tummy is squishy cuz she came out of there isn't going to be a fair enough explanation. :(
Time to go back to the gym. :(
My daughter this morning woke up and then placed her head on my tummy and went back to sleep. An hour later we both woke up, and she smiled at me and said "Mommy- do you know one thing that all mommies have that's the same?"
"No baby, what is it?"
"Squishy tummies"
"What? What do you mean?"
"God gave all mommies squishy tummies so their children can lie on them and feel comfy and go to sleep. That's why ladies with no babies don't have squishy tummies. I LOVE squishy tummies".
Damn! And I thought kids didn't notice that stuff. I thought they thought I was perfect. I guess explaining that the tummy is squishy cuz she came out of there isn't going to be a fair enough explanation. :(
Time to go back to the gym. :(
Friday, November 17, 2006
Bad, Bad Mother!
Do you ever have one of those mornings where you know you look bad, and you just don't know how it happened? If someone had one of those secret spy cameras watching me this morning, they would think I'm some horrid mother. No, I wasn't yelling or anything. It's just the small things that were forgotten.
Like- I normally pack my son's lunch the night before. Last night, I didn't, since today is Friday, and I expected to have lots of extra time in the morning. Well, I ran out of time, and forgot that lunch wasn't packed. I ran frantically throwing something together. Then my son reminded me that I forgot to fill out a book order form. We did that quickly. I wrote out a check, selected some books, and threw that into the backpack. Got the kids out the door (barely) and got my son to school (sort of) on time. I say "sort of" because we were 5 minutes late. This is a big deal to me, because I'm never late for school. NEVER. No way. But, I did have some satisfaction from the extra long line of cars trying to drop their kids off, late as well. The rain saved me. My son wouldn't look late, and I wouldn't look like a freak, because the rain had slowed everyone down. Everyone was 5 minutes late, if not more. Thank God for rain. I didn't want to have to sign a late slip.
My daughter insisted that she wanted cheesies this morning. I was adamant that cheesies are not breakfast food. "Eat your cereal please". I was happy to see that she complied, without any further complaining. Little did I know that the Halloween bag had been busted open, and that she had put a bag of cheesies in her coat pocket. Oh yeah. My girl was eating cheesies in the backseat of the car while I was driving. I didn't realize it until we got to school. I took her out of the car, and she said "Mommy- I need to wash my hands. I have cheesies all over them!" Of course, there was another parent nearby, within earshot. And, he was happy to say "Cheesies? That's not breakfast food!" I could feel the sense of judgement and I hated it.
That's right. Great. Why don't you just bite me? Better yet, call the Children's Aid or something. Do you really think I would deliberately feed a 5 year old cheesies for breakfast? And why do you think you have the right to talk so condescendingly Mr. I-think-I'm-a-perfect-father? Please. Mind your own business.
Of course, I didn't say any of this to him. I just smiled and said "Gosh. Don't you hate all those Halloween candies? Kids keep them everywhere! Even in the car! Thank God she had her cereal this morning!"
I think I would have gotten away with it if he didn't see my sipping Diet Pepsi when I got back to the car after dropping her off. Busted. Now I do look like a bad mom. After all, who is going to believe that a mother who drinks Diet Pepsi for breakfast wouldn't let her child eat cheesies for breakfast?
Sigh. OK- Well- it's not like I let HER drink Diet Pepsi in the morning. And the cheesies were eaten without my knowledge. That IS the point, isn't it?
Condescending jerk.
Like- I normally pack my son's lunch the night before. Last night, I didn't, since today is Friday, and I expected to have lots of extra time in the morning. Well, I ran out of time, and forgot that lunch wasn't packed. I ran frantically throwing something together. Then my son reminded me that I forgot to fill out a book order form. We did that quickly. I wrote out a check, selected some books, and threw that into the backpack. Got the kids out the door (barely) and got my son to school (sort of) on time. I say "sort of" because we were 5 minutes late. This is a big deal to me, because I'm never late for school. NEVER. No way. But, I did have some satisfaction from the extra long line of cars trying to drop their kids off, late as well. The rain saved me. My son wouldn't look late, and I wouldn't look like a freak, because the rain had slowed everyone down. Everyone was 5 minutes late, if not more. Thank God for rain. I didn't want to have to sign a late slip.
My daughter insisted that she wanted cheesies this morning. I was adamant that cheesies are not breakfast food. "Eat your cereal please". I was happy to see that she complied, without any further complaining. Little did I know that the Halloween bag had been busted open, and that she had put a bag of cheesies in her coat pocket. Oh yeah. My girl was eating cheesies in the backseat of the car while I was driving. I didn't realize it until we got to school. I took her out of the car, and she said "Mommy- I need to wash my hands. I have cheesies all over them!" Of course, there was another parent nearby, within earshot. And, he was happy to say "Cheesies? That's not breakfast food!" I could feel the sense of judgement and I hated it.
That's right. Great. Why don't you just bite me? Better yet, call the Children's Aid or something. Do you really think I would deliberately feed a 5 year old cheesies for breakfast? And why do you think you have the right to talk so condescendingly Mr. I-think-I'm-a-perfect-father? Please. Mind your own business.
Of course, I didn't say any of this to him. I just smiled and said "Gosh. Don't you hate all those Halloween candies? Kids keep them everywhere! Even in the car! Thank God she had her cereal this morning!"
I think I would have gotten away with it if he didn't see my sipping Diet Pepsi when I got back to the car after dropping her off. Busted. Now I do look like a bad mom. After all, who is going to believe that a mother who drinks Diet Pepsi for breakfast wouldn't let her child eat cheesies for breakfast?
Sigh. OK- Well- it's not like I let HER drink Diet Pepsi in the morning. And the cheesies were eaten without my knowledge. That IS the point, isn't it?
Condescending jerk.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Plugging Away
Well- I've been to the office for two days this week. It's a really weird time for my group, so we're just plugging away. There's a re-org happening so I find that things are a bit tense overall. Not knowing who you will be working for, or what you will be doing is never an easy thing. Losing our leader at this time didn't help any of us, but like I said, just plugging away, one day at a time. SIGH.
My nephew is doing well. Growing fast. Cute as can be. Well, cute as an infant can be. I find that all babies are adorable, but they all look like little monkeys or aliens. Mine were no exception. But this one is an exceptionally good baby. He sleeps through anything- diaper change, bath, etc. That is VERY weird. He must be lazy like my brother :) Kidding. I've been going over to visit as many times as I can. I don't want to miss a moment of seeing him grow. Did I mention he's hairy like my brother? :P
My nephew is doing well. Growing fast. Cute as can be. Well, cute as an infant can be. I find that all babies are adorable, but they all look like little monkeys or aliens. Mine were no exception. But this one is an exceptionally good baby. He sleeps through anything- diaper change, bath, etc. That is VERY weird. He must be lazy like my brother :) Kidding. I've been going over to visit as many times as I can. I don't want to miss a moment of seeing him grow. Did I mention he's hairy like my brother? :P
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Still Feeling Crappy
I still can't shake this crappy feeling. I'm trying to keep busy but it's not working. This thing with my boss seems to have thrown off my entire life. I mean, I knew that the day would come where we wouldn't work together anymore, but I just always assumed that it would be whenever I reached a point where I was really to move to a new role, and that we would move in different directions on pseudo happy terms. I never thought he would just be thrown out of the picture like this, without explanation. I don't like it one bit. I need to make sure that everything is OK for him. I owe him big time for everything he's done for me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be where I am professionally, or personally. What an awesome mentor he was.
I feel crappy and a bit useless. I have to go to the office and act like it's business as usual and it's not. How can I look at my team and act like everything is OK when it is so screwed up beyond description? It's insane. I'm supposed to act like this is just part of life. It's not. It shouldn't be. I'm so ticked off. And yes, now I'm officially bitter. Very bitter. The people around me act like I'm being a bit too dramatic, that this happens all the time, and that after all my corporate experience, this shouldn't hit me so hard. Well it does. I guess I'm not as tough as everyone thought I was. Something in me broke this week. Something that kept me going. I had faith that good people would always be protected. I thought wrong.
I've just realized how brutal the corporate world really is. I'm wondering what made me think I actually enjoyed it? The corporate world is nothing less than a shark pit. Right now, I feel like a goldfish swimming with a bunch of sharks. They should just eat me and get it overwith.
I feel crappy and a bit useless. I have to go to the office and act like it's business as usual and it's not. How can I look at my team and act like everything is OK when it is so screwed up beyond description? It's insane. I'm supposed to act like this is just part of life. It's not. It shouldn't be. I'm so ticked off. And yes, now I'm officially bitter. Very bitter. The people around me act like I'm being a bit too dramatic, that this happens all the time, and that after all my corporate experience, this shouldn't hit me so hard. Well it does. I guess I'm not as tough as everyone thought I was. Something in me broke this week. Something that kept me going. I had faith that good people would always be protected. I thought wrong.
I've just realized how brutal the corporate world really is. I'm wondering what made me think I actually enjoyed it? The corporate world is nothing less than a shark pit. Right now, I feel like a goldfish swimming with a bunch of sharks. They should just eat me and get it overwith.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Numb
Ever have a REALLY crappy day, where you feel like you can't even think straight? I'm having a day where I wish it would just go away. I'm hoping I'll wake up and it will be gone, but I know that won't happen. I feel like someone died today.
Some stuff happened at the office. To sum it up, I was advised that my boss will no longer be with the company. That was a really hard hit for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I've only had a few strong pillars around me in the past few years. I could count them on one hand. He was definitely one of them. I've worked with him for 8 years, and I can definitely say that I owe him a great deal, professionally and personally. This is a HUGE loss for me, and I feel a bit out of balance without him there. It would have been different if he had just moved groups within the company, but this just all feels like a bad dream.
I need a few days to get myself balanced again. I'm really worried about him. I mean, I know he will be fine. People like him always are...but still...it's all really hard to explain. He was my friend and my mentor, and that is rare to find in the corporate world.
On that note, the corporate world is a sick, sick, place. I cannot believe how people expect things to be "business as usual" after something like this. Guess what people? It ISN'T business as usual. And it won't be. Not for awhile. The amount of shallow, fickle, phone calls I got today made me want to throw up. Take a hike people. Find someone else to gossip about. And by the way, I don't like any of you anymore.
And then there is the good news. A loss and a gift all in one day (isn't my life always so...drama)? My brother and his wife had their baby boy. 9lbs 2 ounces. That is just HUGE. I'm an aunt for the first time. I went to the hospital to see them. The baby is beautiful. They are happy, he is cute, and it felt good to hold him in my arms. It's just too bad this happened on a day when I wasn't so with it. I wish I were more focused to enjoy the moment.
Oh yeah, and mid day today, I had to leave the office early. I got a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, he scrunched up a piece of tinfoil and shoved it into his ear. What the heck is that all about? We had to take him to the doctors, and lo and behold, the doctor pulled out the tinfoil. FROM HIS EAR! It was like watching a bunny-rabbit-in-a-hat trick or something. What possesses a child to shove something in his ear? It's just insane.
Needless to say, today was just crazy. I'm numb, sad, happy, and just tired all at once. I just want life to be normal again. I want to go back to my life the way it was. The office was my only sense of security and stability for the past 2.5 years. Now I feel like I've lost that too. I'm not worried about myself or my job or anything like that. It's just that, I think it felt a bit like home in an odd way. Like the key people around me were my family. Now it just feels.....broken.
Wow- a broken home- I can't believe I said that. It's kind of creepy...and appropriate.
Some stuff happened at the office. To sum it up, I was advised that my boss will no longer be with the company. That was a really hard hit for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I've only had a few strong pillars around me in the past few years. I could count them on one hand. He was definitely one of them. I've worked with him for 8 years, and I can definitely say that I owe him a great deal, professionally and personally. This is a HUGE loss for me, and I feel a bit out of balance without him there. It would have been different if he had just moved groups within the company, but this just all feels like a bad dream.
I need a few days to get myself balanced again. I'm really worried about him. I mean, I know he will be fine. People like him always are...but still...it's all really hard to explain. He was my friend and my mentor, and that is rare to find in the corporate world.
On that note, the corporate world is a sick, sick, place. I cannot believe how people expect things to be "business as usual" after something like this. Guess what people? It ISN'T business as usual. And it won't be. Not for awhile. The amount of shallow, fickle, phone calls I got today made me want to throw up. Take a hike people. Find someone else to gossip about. And by the way, I don't like any of you anymore.
And then there is the good news. A loss and a gift all in one day (isn't my life always so...drama)? My brother and his wife had their baby boy. 9lbs 2 ounces. That is just HUGE. I'm an aunt for the first time. I went to the hospital to see them. The baby is beautiful. They are happy, he is cute, and it felt good to hold him in my arms. It's just too bad this happened on a day when I wasn't so with it. I wish I were more focused to enjoy the moment.
Oh yeah, and mid day today, I had to leave the office early. I got a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, he scrunched up a piece of tinfoil and shoved it into his ear. What the heck is that all about? We had to take him to the doctors, and lo and behold, the doctor pulled out the tinfoil. FROM HIS EAR! It was like watching a bunny-rabbit-in-a-hat trick or something. What possesses a child to shove something in his ear? It's just insane.
Needless to say, today was just crazy. I'm numb, sad, happy, and just tired all at once. I just want life to be normal again. I want to go back to my life the way it was. The office was my only sense of security and stability for the past 2.5 years. Now I feel like I've lost that too. I'm not worried about myself or my job or anything like that. It's just that, I think it felt a bit like home in an odd way. Like the key people around me were my family. Now it just feels.....broken.
Wow- a broken home- I can't believe I said that. It's kind of creepy...and appropriate.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Nude Beginnings?
Someone was trying to remember how to get to my blog. Their recollection was "Nude Beginnings"...OK- Where do I start?
- This is not some pornographic blog. Sorry guys. :)
- Um- Possibly, if you meant like a nude landscape and that the sky is the limit, then perhaps I could kind of see what you meant by imagining that I would call it nude beginnings....Nah who am I kidding, not at all
- It could have been her jokey way of commenting that my new life involves no hijaab- or the removal of my 6 year headscarf. But still, most of the world does not consider "hair" the same as "nudity", although.....if she meant it as a slap in the face, then perhaps yeah, that would work...Hey Shaz, you might as well be nude. Nah. I still don't buy it
- I could have started this blog with nude pictures of....hahaha I can't even get through that one without laughing
- I ran out of options. Either way, Nude Beginnings was my second choice. Don't feel so bad :)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Princess Party
I had a little birthday party for my daughter on Saturday. There were 10 children present, including my own. I call it little because last year, I had 20 kids and maybe 15 adults at a children's birthday hall. Last year was way too costly. This year, in the interest of keeping things simple, I had a smaller party at Woodie Woodchucks, which is similar to Chuck E Cheese's.
So 8 invitees including Mich's son and 7 of my daughter's school friends. It turned out OK. The girls had a nice time, and the main difference is that I didn't invite all my extended friends. Keeping it to school friends only wasn't such a bad idea actually. It eliminated a lot of the outside pressure. If I invite one friend, I have to invite all of them, and then it turns into another big affair. There is so much drama around the desi (Indo-Pak) community, it's unbelievable.
Anyhow, the weekend came and went. It was a busy one. I had the birthday party on Saturday, a get together at a friend's place on Saturday night and then some repair work around the house on Sunday, as well as my son's hockey game Sunday afternoon. The usual weekend stuff.
I'm trying to get my house in order. It's amazing what that cold/flu did to me. I was so knocked out. So now, I face 5 backlogged loads of laundry, dishes, cleanup, washrooms etc. My 15 mins a night can't even make a dent in it. Sigh, these are the days where I do feel the gap of a partner in the house. I can handle most day to day stuff, but when you get sick, you realize how alone you really are.
Either way, I'll catch up. I always do. :)
So 8 invitees including Mich's son and 7 of my daughter's school friends. It turned out OK. The girls had a nice time, and the main difference is that I didn't invite all my extended friends. Keeping it to school friends only wasn't such a bad idea actually. It eliminated a lot of the outside pressure. If I invite one friend, I have to invite all of them, and then it turns into another big affair. There is so much drama around the desi (Indo-Pak) community, it's unbelievable.
Anyhow, the weekend came and went. It was a busy one. I had the birthday party on Saturday, a get together at a friend's place on Saturday night and then some repair work around the house on Sunday, as well as my son's hockey game Sunday afternoon. The usual weekend stuff.
I'm trying to get my house in order. It's amazing what that cold/flu did to me. I was so knocked out. So now, I face 5 backlogged loads of laundry, dishes, cleanup, washrooms etc. My 15 mins a night can't even make a dent in it. Sigh, these are the days where I do feel the gap of a partner in the house. I can handle most day to day stuff, but when you get sick, you realize how alone you really are.
Either way, I'll catch up. I always do. :)
Friday, November 03, 2006
Accepting the Divorce
My son had a play date last night. Another child from his hockey team and Tae Kwan Do team wanted to come over. I picked up the children, brought them to my place, ordered pizza and let them play and watch a movie. They had a nice time. It made me happy to know my son was comfortable in his environment. We've had friends over with the children, but they are usually children of my friends. This is different. These are his friends, and I don't know the parents well at all. It's a big difference, trust me.
During the drive home, the little boy asked my son when his dad will get home. My son matter-of-factly responded that his dad doesn't live with us, because his parents are divorced. I was shocked, as I've never used the "divorce" word in front of the children. I've usually just said that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My son picked up the divorce word somewhere, perhaps from his father. I'm not sure.
Either way, he was very comfortable talking about it. His friend didn't seem too awkward either. He asked "Why are they divorced? If they are divorced, how come I see your dad at hockey?"
My son responded that he goes to hockey with his dad, that he sees his dad when it's not a school day. His friend seemed OK with that answer. I was really pretending not to listen. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of conversation. This was, after all, the closest I will ever come to truly understanding how my children are coping. Why mess that up?
Then my son went on to say that we have been divorced since he was three. I started counting on my fingers...hmmm... It's been two and a half years, he is almost 7, so actually, nope he was four. Close enough I guess. My daughter was only 2 at the time.
In essence, we separated while the children were still very young. As a result, this divorced state has just become the life they've always known. My daughter doesn't have a lot of memories from before the age of 2, so most of her memories involve the two homes, two lives. She has scattered happy memories of the entire family unit, and I think that's OK. We did, after all, have at least a few good times together. It doesn't hurt for her to remember them. At least she didn't have to see any of the bad stuff.
The other day my daughter brought home a "family" picture that she made at school. It was a picture of her, of me, and of her brother. No dad. I said, "wow honey, what's this?". She responded that it was a picture of our family. I thanked her for the picture and put it on the fridge. I always hated the fridges with piles of children's artwork. But this one was just too special not to put up. To me, it meant that she had accepted things. She said that she would paint a separate picture for daddy's home. I told her that it was a nice idea.
I'm not sure if this means they have accepted the divorce, or if it means that they are comfortable enough talking about it. Both are good scenarios. I shiver at the thought that one day they might potentially get fed up with everything and just rebel, but I would rather not think of all the potential issues life might throw at me. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I certainly do not need to take on any additional stress.
So for now, I'll allow these tiny conversations, and the tiny "family" drawings that my daughter brings home from school to give me some comfort. It is after all comfort and reassurance that gives us the strength to continue on.
During the drive home, the little boy asked my son when his dad will get home. My son matter-of-factly responded that his dad doesn't live with us, because his parents are divorced. I was shocked, as I've never used the "divorce" word in front of the children. I've usually just said that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My son picked up the divorce word somewhere, perhaps from his father. I'm not sure.
Either way, he was very comfortable talking about it. His friend didn't seem too awkward either. He asked "Why are they divorced? If they are divorced, how come I see your dad at hockey?"
My son responded that he goes to hockey with his dad, that he sees his dad when it's not a school day. His friend seemed OK with that answer. I was really pretending not to listen. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of conversation. This was, after all, the closest I will ever come to truly understanding how my children are coping. Why mess that up?
Then my son went on to say that we have been divorced since he was three. I started counting on my fingers...hmmm... It's been two and a half years, he is almost 7, so actually, nope he was four. Close enough I guess. My daughter was only 2 at the time.
In essence, we separated while the children were still very young. As a result, this divorced state has just become the life they've always known. My daughter doesn't have a lot of memories from before the age of 2, so most of her memories involve the two homes, two lives. She has scattered happy memories of the entire family unit, and I think that's OK. We did, after all, have at least a few good times together. It doesn't hurt for her to remember them. At least she didn't have to see any of the bad stuff.
The other day my daughter brought home a "family" picture that she made at school. It was a picture of her, of me, and of her brother. No dad. I said, "wow honey, what's this?". She responded that it was a picture of our family. I thanked her for the picture and put it on the fridge. I always hated the fridges with piles of children's artwork. But this one was just too special not to put up. To me, it meant that she had accepted things. She said that she would paint a separate picture for daddy's home. I told her that it was a nice idea.
I'm not sure if this means they have accepted the divorce, or if it means that they are comfortable enough talking about it. Both are good scenarios. I shiver at the thought that one day they might potentially get fed up with everything and just rebel, but I would rather not think of all the potential issues life might throw at me. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I certainly do not need to take on any additional stress.
So for now, I'll allow these tiny conversations, and the tiny "family" drawings that my daughter brings home from school to give me some comfort. It is after all comfort and reassurance that gives us the strength to continue on.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Mosque Donations?
Well, isn't this nice? I feel like I'm getting harassed from all angles. But this one, this is really low. So, I got a call tonight following up on a donation to a Mosque here in Mississauga. The weird thing is, I've only heard of this Mosque once in my life, from my ex, who mentioned that he was going there for a prayer one night. Other than that, I've never heard of this place. I'm sure it's some small Mosque in the city, it's definitely not one of the main ones.
So, the call is following up on a pledge that I apparently made for $99 a month. Those of you who are Muslim understand the significance of the number 99- The 99 names of God. Anyhow, they are following up to find out what my preferred method of payment is. So I say, what the--?
I never made a pledge. I don't know you people. Yet, they have my name, address, phone number, and yes- my hotmail address. How does that happen? I get the call, and I'm a bit stumped. I'm not prepared to give money to these people at this time, especially given the fact that I don't know who they are. Firstly, I donate when and where I want to, and secondly, I would check out the organization first. No offense, but Muslim or not, I need to make sure that it's a good mainstream organization and not some weirdo one if you know what I mean. But how do you tell the Mosque people that no you never made the pledge and that you are not willing to make the payment when they clearly have all your contact info? There's no possibility of error-someone definitely gave out my info, otherwise where would they get my email address from? They even know my maiden name which I am now using, and know that my email address is still using the initial of my married name. I mean, come ON. Clearly someone deliberately gave it to them.
So I tell them, no, it's not my pledge. They insist it is, and confirm all the info for the tax receipt. Nope, sorry I never made a pledge. Now this is very embarrassing, I mean, do I go to hell if I turn down the Mosque charity? I'm half joking, but I'm sure you can understand how embarrassing this is. So then they kind of re-confirm the info, and then almost skeptically ask "Are you SURE you didn't make the donation?" Hell ya, and I think I know who did.
I know it's mean to accuse, but you can't blame me for thinking what I'm thinking. I mean, how low is that- setting me up for Mosque payments? I almost couldn't say no to them. That is just so wrong. I want to ask you-know-who if he did this to me, but I can't- it just feels wrong.
So they keep asking again and again. "But how could we have all the info, if you never made the pledge?". Now I'm frustrated and I say- "Well actually, perhaps my ex husband did it as a mean prank. We're not on good terms". Silence. Total silence. Then I continue, "This is as awkward for me as it is for you, but to be honest, I'm a single mom, and I've already donated to another organization this year. I wouldn't lie to you. I was not the one that gave you that info".
Silence. Awkwardness. Please God, just let the lightening strike me now. Please. OK Now. Please...OK...they are still on the line. Anytime now God, anytime.
Then they thank me for my time. Thank God it's over. Thank you God. I promise to pray tomorrow. Don't strike me down with lightening for not paying the money. IF you want to strike anyone, hit the house a few blocks down. I'm sure you'll find the culprit there.
I feel so mean even doing this journal, especially because I'm accusing someone who can't defend himself here. But really, what the heck was that all about? Talk about a mean stunt.
Now I've seen it all.
So, the call is following up on a pledge that I apparently made for $99 a month. Those of you who are Muslim understand the significance of the number 99- The 99 names of God. Anyhow, they are following up to find out what my preferred method of payment is. So I say, what the--?
I never made a pledge. I don't know you people. Yet, they have my name, address, phone number, and yes- my hotmail address. How does that happen? I get the call, and I'm a bit stumped. I'm not prepared to give money to these people at this time, especially given the fact that I don't know who they are. Firstly, I donate when and where I want to, and secondly, I would check out the organization first. No offense, but Muslim or not, I need to make sure that it's a good mainstream organization and not some weirdo one if you know what I mean. But how do you tell the Mosque people that no you never made the pledge and that you are not willing to make the payment when they clearly have all your contact info? There's no possibility of error-someone definitely gave out my info, otherwise where would they get my email address from? They even know my maiden name which I am now using, and know that my email address is still using the initial of my married name. I mean, come ON. Clearly someone deliberately gave it to them.
So I tell them, no, it's not my pledge. They insist it is, and confirm all the info for the tax receipt. Nope, sorry I never made a pledge. Now this is very embarrassing, I mean, do I go to hell if I turn down the Mosque charity? I'm half joking, but I'm sure you can understand how embarrassing this is. So then they kind of re-confirm the info, and then almost skeptically ask "Are you SURE you didn't make the donation?" Hell ya, and I think I know who did.
I know it's mean to accuse, but you can't blame me for thinking what I'm thinking. I mean, how low is that- setting me up for Mosque payments? I almost couldn't say no to them. That is just so wrong. I want to ask you-know-who if he did this to me, but I can't- it just feels wrong.
So they keep asking again and again. "But how could we have all the info, if you never made the pledge?". Now I'm frustrated and I say- "Well actually, perhaps my ex husband did it as a mean prank. We're not on good terms". Silence. Total silence. Then I continue, "This is as awkward for me as it is for you, but to be honest, I'm a single mom, and I've already donated to another organization this year. I wouldn't lie to you. I was not the one that gave you that info".
Silence. Awkwardness. Please God, just let the lightening strike me now. Please. OK Now. Please...OK...they are still on the line. Anytime now God, anytime.
Then they thank me for my time. Thank God it's over. Thank you God. I promise to pray tomorrow. Don't strike me down with lightening for not paying the money. IF you want to strike anyone, hit the house a few blocks down. I'm sure you'll find the culprit there.
I feel so mean even doing this journal, especially because I'm accusing someone who can't defend himself here. But really, what the heck was that all about? Talk about a mean stunt.
Now I've seen it all.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Privacy at Last
And the blinds go up. Thank you Rich for the support and love that you give me. I am so bad- Rich came to put up the blinds while I sat and watched. But really, I'm not that great at this stuff, and really, I'm still under the weather. My friends rock.
I feel safer now. I feel like I can sit in the main floor of my house in peace. I don't think I realized how much the lack of privacy at night impacted my lifestyle. I just realized today that because you could see through the curtains in my front room (living room) I never sat there at night. Anyone could watch me through the bay windows.
As I admired the chocolate brown wooden blinds today (they do look nice), I realized that I could now peacefully sit in this front room and not feel like I'm being watched. What a gift. I mean, all this time I had my own home, but I was still restricted in it. It almost seems silly now.
Either way, this brings me a lot of peace. Next step- install floodlights and locks for the back door.
Safety and security- here I come.
I feel safer now. I feel like I can sit in the main floor of my house in peace. I don't think I realized how much the lack of privacy at night impacted my lifestyle. I just realized today that because you could see through the curtains in my front room (living room) I never sat there at night. Anyone could watch me through the bay windows.
As I admired the chocolate brown wooden blinds today (they do look nice), I realized that I could now peacefully sit in this front room and not feel like I'm being watched. What a gift. I mean, all this time I had my own home, but I was still restricted in it. It almost seems silly now.
Either way, this brings me a lot of peace. Next step- install floodlights and locks for the back door.
Safety and security- here I come.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween/Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to my beautiful 5 year old daughter. And Happy Halloween to everyone else!
The kids had a lot of fun trick or treating. Mich and Rich took them out, while I stayed home and gave out candy (and possibly my cold-yikes) to all the children. I know- it sounds bad- but what else could I do? Turn off my lights and NOT give out candy? I don't think so.
After that, Mich and Rich had cake for my daughter's birthday. I brought the kids home and put them to bed (they were so cranky by that point, it's unbelievable).
Kids are funny- I bought this awesome Mulan costume for my daughter- I wanted her to be the independent Mulan, but she insisted on being Cinderella. I tried to convince her- Cinderella waits for the prince to save her from her hellish life, while Mulan saves China. But, like every little girl, she wanted to be a TRUE Disney princess. Cinderella it was. My son had this awesome Scooby Doo outfit. Very cool. It was a nice warm zip up suit, so I was pleased.
All in all, they had fun, they didn't have to miss trick or treating cuz of my cold, and I got to eat candy. Can't ask for more than that, right?
The kids had a lot of fun trick or treating. Mich and Rich took them out, while I stayed home and gave out candy (and possibly my cold-yikes) to all the children. I know- it sounds bad- but what else could I do? Turn off my lights and NOT give out candy? I don't think so.
After that, Mich and Rich had cake for my daughter's birthday. I brought the kids home and put them to bed (they were so cranky by that point, it's unbelievable).
Kids are funny- I bought this awesome Mulan costume for my daughter- I wanted her to be the independent Mulan, but she insisted on being Cinderella. I tried to convince her- Cinderella waits for the prince to save her from her hellish life, while Mulan saves China. But, like every little girl, she wanted to be a TRUE Disney princess. Cinderella it was. My son had this awesome Scooby Doo outfit. Very cool. It was a nice warm zip up suit, so I was pleased.
All in all, they had fun, they didn't have to miss trick or treating cuz of my cold, and I got to eat candy. Can't ask for more than that, right?
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