The Zen Garden

I love the sand. I want to go to a beach and just hang out with the kids. My kids love the sand. My children were talking tonight about the sandbox outside, and asking why they can't play outside anymore. CUZ its too cold guys! Sheesh.

Then I remembered a conversation I had with some office colleagues. I have a Zen garden on my desk. When I originally separated from my ex, I found that I was getting really frustrated on my conference calls. I suppose I was very overwhelmed, and had less patience than normal. (My patience still hasn't returned, but that's another story in itself). I knew this wasn't right, so I decided to get the Zen garden, hoping that it would calm me down.

Anyhow, I wanted to be able to play with the Zen garden while on the phone. What I didn't expect was for the Zen garden to become what it has become. I have a habit of burying the rocks. I come in, bury the rocks in the sand, and then I don't touch the Zen garden again for the rest of the day. I somehow get some perverse pleasure from knowing that the rocks are buried beneath the sand.

Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell me that this isn't right. I know it isn't. But I don't care. The order of the Zen garden makes me feel like everything is how it should be. I come in, I bury the rocks, I feel content. Just don't mess them up. My desk, my rocks, my Zen Garden.

Some colleagues talked about stealing the rocks. I seriously think I would have a cardiac if they did it. I think I would lose my ability to function for the day, and no I'm not joking. It would disturb me and consume my mind while I'm in meetings. I would feel like things are messed up and I would feel unsettled. In fact, ever since they said it, I come in and feel a bit stressed as I walk to my desk. I look at my Zen Garden before I sit down and poke it to make sure the rocks are still there. No, I'm not kidding. I am dead serious. I know it's sick, but I have been freaked out at the thought of someone stealing those rocks. I've actually contemplated locking them in my desk before I leave for the night. Now that's freaky.

Yeah, I know...I still have issues. I just read the paragraph above and realized my Ex may not be the only freak in town. I'm going back to therapy. :)

How about this....I go back to therapy, and when I no longer feel the need to bury the rocks, we know I'm all better. It can be the barometer to my success. Now there's a plan!

Just don't touch the rocks in the meantime.

And, don't judge me. It's not like the rest of you don't have your own issues. The way I see it, I'm doing really well. I was the girl who buried all emotions and didn't talk about any of her concerns with anyone. Nobody knew how unhappy I was. Now I talk, I blog, and yeah, I bury rocks. But hey- I've still come a long way.

Stop judging. And stay away from my rocks.