Falling and Getting up Again

Everything in life has meaning. The bigger the fall, the greater the lesson.
-Oprah Winfrey

Have I mentioned yet that I LOVE Oprah Winfrey?

I don't even know where to begin with this one. She's right...the bigger the fall, the greater the lesson. Here is the thing...sometimes, we learn a lesson without even realizing it or understanding it until years later.

Take for example, my divorce. When I first divorced my husband, I thought my lessons were that you should never let a man touch you in an abusive manner, ever. That if he does, you should leave him right away, because he will never change. But really, that was just a scratch-the-surface-lesson.

When I look back at the same thing now, I see really different lessons. They are bigger, they direct which way I'm going, and they have changed who I am.

Here are the lessons I see now:

1. Always trust your gut instinct- Even when you are hoping that it is wrong, or just "nerves". So, now I'm going to confess something. Two weeks before my wedding I felt sick to my stomach. Physically ill. I felt like I didn't want to get married. I chalked it up as nerves, as cold feet. I kept telling myself "But he's so great. He loves me so much. He would do anything for me. How many girls get to marry their high school sweetheart?". When the nerves didn't go away, I said to myself "650 invitations have gone out. Now shut up and get married before you humiliate the entire family". I wish I had trusted my instincts. I would have been in a different place today.
2. Don't make a life choice if it's only to make others happy- Sounds obvious right? Not so obvious if you were born and raised in a Desi household. Unfortunately, Desi girls are raised to sacrifice for their families, their children, but they never put themselves first. A woman's life is about sacrifice. One thing I've learned- you have to put your own interests in the mix too. Nobody else will take care of you, you have to take care of yourself. Difficult decisions will result in personal growth.
3. Financial independence is very important- When my daughter (second child) was born, I almost quit my job to be an at-home mom. I felt guilty going to work and leaving two kids under the age of two behind with a babysitter. A little voice inside me (one that I listened to this time) told me not to. It told me that things were rough and while I wasn't thinking divorce, I would need to know for myself that I am staying in the marriage because I wanted to, not because I had to. If I became financially dependent, my choices would be limited. I listened to that voice, and I thank God that I did.
4. A community of people that will disown you are not really your friends- And you don't need them. I haven't stayed in touch with everyone from my old group. There are a few that have remained my very best friends. And while the thought of being disowned by people was devastating at first, it really hasn't been a big deal at all. The friends I have are so much dearer, and they are true friends indeed.
5. You can't base your life on what others will think of you- Because if I had, I would never have divorced. The fear of judgment was huge for me at that time, in fact, it still is. I'm still working on this one, but what I do know for sure is that if I had did what others wanted me to, I would still be waking up to bruises and a 30 minute cover up makeup routine at least 3 days a week. They don't see what happens behind closed doors, so they don't have the right to judge me for my decisions.
   
6. Marriage is not for everyone- There. I said it. I think marriage just might be over-rated. It might not be for me. I'm still figuring this one out, but I'm starting to think I'm right.
7. Family will stick by you through thick and thin- as will your dearest friends... Family may annoy you from time to time, but they do love you and mine will do just about anything for me.
   

And yet of course:
Never let another human being cross the line with you physically. But that one should always have been a no-brainer.

Role Models

"Every woman is the leader that she is looking for".
Maria Shriver on Oprah Winfrey Show.

Really powerful words from Maria Shriver. She said that she wants every woman feel that she was the leader she was looking for—that she had that within herself. It's very inspirational to hear, but how do you put it into practice? I would think this means something different to everyone. I would think you would need to define who you need to be and then live your life according to that definition. As inspiring as it is, it's not that easy to do. Emotions take over and we, especially as women, often end up saying or doing things that are not in line with who we want to be. I know I'm guilty of it. Guilty at work, with loved ones, with my children, with family, with friends.

I think that for myself, being the leader that I am looking for would mean a few things, some of which are learnings, some of which I already have:

1. Honesty- Telling the truth even when it is difficult to do- an office friend once told me that only a good friend would tell you when you've coloured your hair a hideous colour. She said it to me once upon a time ago when I dyed it jet black. As self conscious as I felt at the comment, I did appreciate the truth. I remember Oprah once said that she was at an event and Bill Cosby came to her and told her that she was wearing too much makeup and looked ridiculous. She talked about being hurt by the comment, but thankful for it. I personally am a truth teller when it is easy to do so. When it is tough, I bend the truth, avoid the topic, anything not to make someone feel bad or make myself look bad. But being the leader I am looking for would mean dealing with difficult situations as candidly as I can. It also means being honest with myself about what I really want out of life, and facing it with candeur, even when it is hard to do so.
2. Independence- Being the leader I am looking for would mean maintaining my independence. This means my friends, my financial independence, my financial freedom to make my own decisions, and yes a career.
3. Integrity- Integrity is a key- Honesty is definitely a key part of integrity but I mean a bit more here. I'm talking about intentions. About not deliberately hurting others, about being fair in your dealings with people. About the characteristics you hold dear. About knowing the difference between right and wrong doing. About living your life by these values.
   
4. Spirituality- When I say spirituality, I don't mean religion. It's not about prayer alone. It's about knowing that the world brings you what you put in, about the belief that everything happens for a reason, about the ability not to despair in desperate situations, about the ability to see the silver lining in just about everything, and the strength to know that even when you don't see the silver lining, you know it will be just around the corner. I'm not where I would like to be, but I'm better than I was 5 years ago. That's a start.
5. Personality- I think the personality is important. To me, a good leader is outgoing, bold, likable, not afraid to speak out, and fair in their spoken word. They come across confident, and they are comfortable with who they are.
   

What do you think are 5 key areas for a good female leader?

Disney in February

I have booked a short trip to Disney World. I decided that the children needed the break. It's been 41/2 years since my separation and we have never had a true vacation together. The children have suffered, watched our faces as their lives as they knew it shattered into pieces, been abused by their father, watched all the bickering and arguing and been subjected to therapists, doctors, legal assessments etc, etc etc. I feel bad for them. I think they need a break. I most definitely need one. The issue of course is a financial one.

So I called Airmiles. It turns out, I had enough Airmiles for 3 tickets to Disney (I will of course have to pay the taxes). Unfortunately, they will have connections through Washington but at least we will get to go. Then I called Starwood Hotels as I have a Mastercard with MBNA that earns points. Turns out I have enough points for 5 nights in Orlando at a Sheraton Hotel. So, on the evening of Feb 11 we will leave for Florida for 4 days, 5 nights (we get there at midnight on the 12th). We will have to spend the whole day Monday in connections getting home, but at least we get to go and it will cost me Disney entrance, taxes on the airline tickets and food. We will have 4 full days at Disney which given what I am paying, is not a bad deal at all.

Guess all that credit card debt had a small amount of silver lining :)

Anyhow, when I told the children, they were elated. I had to get their dad's permission, and after a bit of arguing, he reluctantly agreed. (I'm guessing that his agreement came from the fact that he would have to provide the children with an explanation around why he refused to let them go to Disney). Either way, he consented, and I have it in writing.

My daughter has been counting the "sleeps" till we get to leave.

I am excited for the opportunity to take them away for a few days. Disney will be fab :)

A Restful Weekend

Mr. NYC was here for the weekend. I can honestly say that we did not do a hell of a lot. We hung out, rested, talked, ate, and just kind of gave each other company. It was nice. Yes, he of course asked/pressed for an answer to his proposal and I of course didn't have one. Scary enough, I don't know when or if I will have one. It's like I'm in a frozen state. I just want to maintain the status quo for now. He wants marriage. I wonder when along the way did I become such a guy? Anyhow, either way, we enjoyed eachother's company and that was good enough for me.

We also went to see Slumdog Millionaire. Awesome film, for those who haven't seen it yet. I really liked it, but found it depressing. I have that child blinding scene stuck in my mind. It made me cry. And I still can't shake it. I always knew stuff like that happened in those countries. Those of you who have known me for years, remember that when I went to Pakistan for my brother's wedding I debated getting a "child leash" for my then 4 year old high-energy son. The reasons were twofold- my kids don't speak urdu, so if they got lost, they wouldn't be able to find their way back or communicate, and I know that in those countries, children are often kidnapped, and have their limbs cut off so they can earn more begging. I didn't want my child to be a casualty. Seeing the movie was very disturbing for me. And it was a bit of an eye opener. We complain about so much about what we don't have, but really, we have so much. It was just a reminder I suppose.

Back to Mr. NYC- I know a few things:

• This would be a lot easier if he lived here- then I wouldn't have to give up as much.
• Mom was right- the longer I live on my own, the less likely I will be willing to share my space with another person.
• I have, somewhere along the way, become a very demanding woman. Any guy who ends up with me will have his hands full. It's often my way or nothing. I know it's wrong, but I know it's true too.
  
• I am confused about what I fundamentally want- marriage/relationship/being alone. Until I figure this out, I will not be able to move forward on any front.
• I know what my inner voice says, I just don't know if I can trust it.

I will figure it all out one day. It's the journey, not the end goal, where all my personal growth and learning will happen...

Accident Prone Kids

I'm sitting here this evening, watching my son read a book. His new sling from his elbow fracture has slowed him down a bit. Some of you who have watched things progress in our lives over the past few years will remember a few of my son's accidents. Like the head stitches or the ear stitches.

My son is accident prone. He gets it from me. I broke just about everything and stitched up just about everything else when I was little. It's funny because our family doctor has been my doctor since I was 4 years old. He's watched me grow up, he's watched me date my now-ex, get married, have kids, get divorced, and now watched my custody case unfold. He has been the children's doctor since they were born. My funniest moment today was when he was examining my son's elbow and he said "this needs xrays". I asked if he was sure, after all, my son is always bumping into things and getting bruised or sore in some spot or another. And he banged this on Friday and is feeling better today. His reply, "Yes, I'm sure. After all, he's YOUR son, with your clumsy genes, and if I've had anything, I've had LOTS of practice with these things on you when you were little".

Yeah, yeah, everyone's a comedian. He did make me smile though.

And he was right. He explained to me that from the place it was swollen he could tell there would likely be a fracture. I waited an hour to get the xrays done and another hour for the results to be phoned in, but he was 100% right. I love my doctor.

You know what else I love? Brave little boys. My son woke up today saying "yeah, it's still sore, but it's a lot better". Even more cute- the way he totally milked it when he found out he would be wearing a sling. Among his list of demands:

• "I don't have to write in school because it's my right arm and the sling is in the way".
• "I should get to play video games instead of doing TaeKwanDo class because of my injury". (As a side note, he was not impressed when I pointed out that if he could play video games then he could also write).
• "I won't go out for recess because my coat won't zip up over the sling". (Well, if the teacher helps it will, but I'm supporting him on this cuz it's freezing outside anyways).
• "I won't wait outside for the school bus because it's cold and my coat won't zip. So my sister can wait in the cold and come inside to call me when the bus arrives". (He is SO lucky that his supportive sis was willing to do this).
• "I couldn't eat lunch today because I couldn't open the food with one hand". (So you managed to eat your potato chips instead of your sandwich? Really?)
• "I can't do my chores" (OK I will give you this one).
• "I can't brush my teeth". (Yes, well that's why God gave you TWO hands....)
  

Kids are hilarious.

Coasting at Work?

Every now and then I get to a point where I get bored at work, or just in need of a change. It has happened to me periodically throughout my career. I think more or less when things are high pressured or uncertain in my personal life, it starts to spill into my professional life. Today, I find myself desperately in need of a change, yet the economy is not all that forgiving and now may not be the best time to make a change in my almost 17 year stable career at the company I am at. So I sit, I wait, I think. I mean 17 years at one company for a girl who is almost 37 (well a month shy). Do the math. I'm ancient here. And I kind of need to see what else there is in the world beyond the fenced in world I have seen thus far.

Then there are days like today. Days where my daughter wakes up sick and needs to go to a doctor. Days where I take both kids into the doctor because my son banged his arm in Tae Kwan Do on Friday again. And I get to the doctor and he says to do xrays. So I wait an hour at the xray clinic and tap away on my blackberry rescheduling meetings. Then I find out he broke his arm. So I drive place to place to find a sling for him. I tap away on my blackberry rearranging my meetings again. Then I get the kids to school at 12:30 and realize (again) that I haven't had breakfast. I'm starving. I realize there is no point in the 1.5hr trek to the office (each way) and so I come home, eat lunch and then proceed to cancel the meetings that I just finished rescheduling two hours ago. At 5pm, I realize I forgot to tell my boss I wasn't coming in. But it's not a big deal. Because nobody mistrusts me, nobody questions me, and my seniority has become my shelter. It is an astronomical blessing for me, but the shelter is also a problem.

Am I too comfortable? I think so. I think I'm also "coasting", and I think I might even be getting lazy. I also know which corners can be cut, and when I can cut them. Maybe I've become too efficient doing what I do. I can do some of it with my eyes closed, and so yes, I am getting bored again. Two years in my current role, that's about the right time to need a change.


Here is the big question- am I SO comfortable that I would never survive anywhere else? Have I sat in my comfort zone too long? Yes, this company respects me, but would another? It's like the animal who lived in a zoo. Would they ever survive outside the zoo? Or have they become too accustomed to getting their meals at a particular time served right to them? Am I that zoo animal?

It's weird, it's not the market to be thinking like this, yet here I am. And that, too, on a day where I should be infinitely grateful for the luxury of flexibility and stability.

My logical side says to park this for a few months. But only for a few...

Back to Work

The first day back after a long break is never easy. For some reason I am totally exhausted and all I did is sit at a desk all day. I just don't get it.

It was tough getting the kids up this morning. I had them asleep by 9pm (30 minutes past bedtime) but that isn't so bad. I think the sleeping-in routine has become, well, a routine.

Anyhow, either way, I survived. The kids were 5mins late for school but otherwise it all turned out OK. We should be back on track tomorrow.

On the plus side, I called my insurance company. They reassured me that my recent at-fault accident won't affect my insurance. I get one at-fault accident forgiveness, so I've basically used that up.

Yaay.

I'm sure you're all wondering what happened on the Mr. NYC front. He was here for a visit this weekend. We had a nice time, but I haven't made any final decisions. It's a big decision and it affects not only my life, but the children's lives, his childrens' lives, my family, and my ex (not that we care much about him).

I think I will need a couple of months to ponder that one....

Hope you're all well...