Friday, June 30, 2006
Never Plan...
I'm so lethargic today, I'm welcoming it. I think there has been a bit more on me emotionally lately than I've been willing to accept. The only thing I can focus on is Tuesday...That's the only goal on my horizon...Everything else will fall into place after that...Or so I'm hoping.
The children will be with their dad as of 4pm today, and then back with me on Sunday. My girlfriend who is also going through a divorce sounded a bit down today, so I'm hoping to head out to spend the evening with her. I've been there, done that, so the least I can do is be there for my dear friends when they need me. I just hope I can help her in some way.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Long Long-Weekend
My plan for Tuesday is to get the certificate, and then go to the various ministries and have my name officially changed. Yes, I'm doing it. Changing my name, becoming me again, and that includes at work. I'm sure that will make for an interesting email to my colleagues, but oh well. C'est la vie.
I'm feeling ok about everything....This of course, can change at any time...But for now, I'm doing well. Looking forward to everything being final. Then I'll call a few of my friends over and enjoy the moment.
Weather permitting, I'm hoping to take the children for an activity tomorrow, either the Zoo, or the Butterfly Museum, or the ROM. We'll see what ends up happening but that's the plan for now.
Now, if I could just stop procrastinating, and start getting some work done. A few more hours to go to the work day, and I have a ton of things to wrap up...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Do Men Cry?
In the 13 years (including the 2 year separation) that I was married to my ex, I saw him cry maybe three or four times, and that's a maybe, and one of those times was a month after I left him, the other was when we signed the divorce papers. My brother, although I vaguely remember the occasional cry growing up, the only adult time I ever saw him cry was when our grandmother passed away. My father, good God- never, I've NEVER seen him cry. My male friends, same thing.
I'm wondering what we as a society have done to socialize our men to the point where they are not comfortable crying? What is the deal? Why are they not allowed to cry? This is horribly wrong, and we need to change it.
I want my son to grow up comfortable with his emotions, comfortable that men can cry and still be men. I myself would like to meet a man who is comfortable crying, comfortable with his emotional side. I'm an emotional woman. I would hate to feel like I'm the only one in the relationship who feels anything.
Where have all the sensitive men gone? Are there any left? How did we create such a tough male gender, and why did we do it? What benefits did we expect to achieve?
Funny- people complain that men aren't sensitive enough, caring enough, emotional enough, but somewhere along the way, I think society as a whole created the situation, which means we all contributed in some way or another. Sad but true.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
The Wading Pool
This is why I bought a house instead of a condo. This is exactly why, and I'm loving it. I purchased a small wading pool for the children. I just inflated it, filled it with water, bought them new bathing suits and here we are. As I'm typing this, I'm sitting outside at my patio set, sipping Diet Pepsi while the children splash and play in their new pool. In an hour or so, I'll bring out dinner, we can eat out here, then I'll bathe them and put them to bed.
I haven't finished the laundry, or the vacuuming, and I don't even care. I love this.
Why am I outside on the computer, instead of reading a magazine? Well, everything can't be entirely perfect. I'm behind on some reports for the office, so I have to catch up. Still, if I have to spend part of my Sunday on the laptop, I wouldn't do it any other way.
I am feeling pretty relaxed today. Went to the gym, chatted with some friends on the phone, and now I'm just working away, as de-stressed as I can be when working. Despite the lawn maintenance, the weeds, the gardening, the snow shovelling, I am so glad I own a house, and I'm so glad it's this house.
I know when I look back on my early days on my own, this will be one of the days I remember. Thank God for happy days.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Lunch With the Ex
So I picked him up at noon and we went to a nearby Thai Restaurant. As much as he said he wanted closure, we spent the entire lunch talking about the children. He wanted me to give him more access and I didn't want to give up what I had. As it is, I already give him more than I have to. We talked about the children's academics, their sports, their schooling. Then he dropped the bomb on me.
We had agreed to send the children to a certain school for the summer. We said we would wait and see how it goes and determine if we keep them there in the autumn. He advised me that he sent written notice to my son's public school that he will not be returning in September, since we found a new school for him. Written notice. Without speaking to me. Without even advising me. And I'm the primary residence and keeper for these children. Does that make any sense? Why do I bother?
Let's just say lunch did not end well. It ended in an argument. As usual. Sigh. Some days, I remind myself that marriage and divorce is so damned difficult, why go through it ever again? I said 'sometimes'.
This evening our daughter had her spring concert. My ex and I were both there. After lunch, that was...Well...Awkward to say the least. Sigh. After hardship always comes ease....Where is the ease???
Anyhow, I'm home now with the children and all is calm and good. They are with me this weekend so I'm happy about that. Here's to having fun on the weekend. I have a ton of work to do for the office, so I will spend time on the laptop after they are in bed at night, but other than that, I do intend to have fun.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
What's in a Name?
Firstly, there is some hassle involved in changing a name. That being said, I've been through enough court time that I'm becoming a pro at it now. Documentation and paperwork is not a big deal. The cost of getting new documents, passport, deed to house etc., is a big deal. Right now, it's not the best time to financially drop hundreds of dollars.
Another issue is that I was married for 13 years. This name has been my identity for 13 years, which is most of my adult life. It includes almost my entire professional life. I've been with the same company/same industry for 14 years, and people only know me by my married name. Changing my name would mean all my contacts outside the organization may lose touch with me. I'm not totally comfortable with that.
Next, I'm not particularly bothered by the married name at this time. The divorce does make me feel like I have no attachment to it, but my children bear this name, so keeping it does maintain the feel of a family unit with them. And for whatever reason, it's not bothering me all that much. Perhaps this will change after the divorce is 100% final in two weeks. My girlfriends swear that I need to get rid of it ASAP, and that it's "sick" to keep it. I'm still debating this one. Changing a name is a pain in the butt, so I'm not sure I'm up to it.
Another friend pointed out that if I marry again, I'll have to change it yet again. Well, this is true IF I decide to take another person's name ever again. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I'm not adamant either way, but if I change it now, I doubt I'll ever want to change it again. Either way, this is a small point, after all, it's not like there's anything happening on that front anytime in the near future.
So- my question is- what's in a name? I mean, it is our identity, but it also has the element of recognition to it, like the professional scenario I mentioned. I wonder- what are the implications of changing a name, and what is the best route to take?
Monday, June 19, 2006
The Court Order
Well, it looks like I got what I’ve been waiting for. I checked the mail today and found the papers from the courts. The papers were a bit confusing, but basically the gist of it is that the judge signed the papers on June 2. My divorce is effective 31 days after that date, at which point I am eligible to go to the courts for an official divorce certificate. July 3 will be 31 days, and July 3 is a holiday here (long weekend), so the first day when I can go to the courts is July 4th. I will be going on July 4th. I guess in some ways it’s a bit appropriate that there are fireworks on that date…in the
Receiving the notice from the courts was a bit of a weird feeling. I hate seeing our marriage date next to the words “effective date of divorce”. It just feels so odd, and yes, it did make me a bit teary eyed. May 29, 1993 was our wedding date. June 2 2006 is the date the divorce order was signed, making it effective July 3rd 2006. To many people, these are just dates. To me, they are a sign of things lost- my youth, the prime years of my life, my innocence. I’m going to have a much harder time trusting again. I’m not saying it won’t happen eventually, but it will be harder. The only good thing that came from this marriage is my children. Thank God for them.
It’s very sad when a marriage comes to an end. I spent today just wondering how any man could hurt a woman this much. Why was he not able to love me? Why did I waste so many years of my life? Why did I care so much about someone who so obviously never really cared back?
I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore. I spoke to a friend today and he said to remember that this is the start of a new time in my life, and that I deserve to be happy, and that I will be happy. Thank God for the reassurance. Let’s just hope it’s all true.
So my friends, less than two weeks and it will all be official. Thanks for helping me to get here, and for supporting me in my tough moments. I hope I’ll never have to repay the favour (I would wish only the best for my friends), but if any of you need my support for something in your lives, you can bet I’ll be there by your side.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Happy Father's Day!
So I had my mom and dad over for brunch this morning. We had a really nice time. They came over around 10:30am and stayed till about 2pm. It was nice to spend the time with my parents. I'm glad we did it. And I think breakfast was yummy, if I do say so myself :)
So, my children have a friend over right now, and then they are off to their father's place in an hour. I had a great weekend with them, and I'm glad we got the opportunity to spend some time together. We've switched our schedules to every other weekend, so I actually get more time with the children than I did before. I welcome the change.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
The Bedroom Set
So, the children are with me this weekend. I'm hoping to do some housework, and then take them to visit some friends. We're going to my aunts house for dinner tonight, and then the children are with their father tomorrow evening for father's day. I'm also hoping to see the Cars movie with them. They are so looking forward to that movie.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Catching Up
Right now, it's late, and I am still at the office catching up. I guess things just kind of piled up lately, but I'm plowing through it, so that's a good sign.
Every day that I go home, I check the mailbox to see if I received anything from the courts. So far, I haven't received a thing, so I guess that means I'm still officially married. I am really looking forward to the final closure. The opportunity to put it all to bed once and for all.
I've been doing a lot of things around the house lately. OK That's a lie...I got a friend to come and help. We assembled the patio set, hung up a mirror, I'm going to paint my room this week, my new bedroom set arrives Friday (I am so excited), and I want to do some work on the garage/porch. It's nice. It feels like everything is settling quite well.
I got an email from my ex last week. He said that he's ready for closure. He wants me to pick up the last of my stuff (we never divided our book collection, and family photos), and then he wants to move out of my area. He wanted to know if I would have lunch with him one last time as closure for him. I agreed. I am all for closure. I feel like I got mine when we signed the papers. His will come from moving out of my neighborhood. Either way, its looking good. Keep your fingers crossed.
Friday, June 09, 2006
June 9th Marks Two Years
So, here it is- the story about June 9th. At this point, my ex had been diagnosed bi-polar, and he was refusing to go on his meds, despite my pleas. I had waited for him to come around, to change his mind, but that never happened. I stayed in the house, and in the marriage, hoping that he would eventually come to his senses and take his meds. I was delusional enough to allow myself to believe that if he went on the meds, everything would miraculously change...The temper, the abuse, the attitude, the employment problems, the spending. I thought wrong. Nothing changed. At the end of the day, it is just as hard to keep a bipolar man on his meds as it is to get him to start in the first place. They basically don't believe they need them, and you as their spouse will be confined to a lifetime of ups and downs as they go on and off their meds.
So, I got home that night around 6pm from the office. I came home and saw my son sitting in the kitchen reading a book. It was soccer night. I knew he shouldn't have been home at this time. My son was only 4 at the time.
"Honey- what are you doing at home? Don't you have soccer tonight?"
"Yes, but we're not going"
"Why not"
"Because I was bad and now my dad's mad"
"What? What did you do that was so bad?"
"I didn't eat dinner"
"Ok- so what did you do that was so bad?"
"I didn't eat dinner"
"That's it?
"Yes"
"OK- So what happened?"
"My dad got mad and tried to choke me"
"WHAT? Oh MY GOD!"
At that moment, I felt all the blood drain from my face. I could feel my heart beating so hard I thought I was going to pass out. I felt dizzy and nauseated. I was frozen and couldn't move. I looked up and saw my ex coming down the stairs....
"Shaz, baby I'm sorry..."
"Sorry? Sorry for what?"
"I didn't mean to...."
"To what? To what? To hurt my baby?!"
"Look, I stopped..."
"Stopped? Stopped before what? Almost killing him?"
"OK- I know you're mad...Look I'll go on the meds"
"It's too late..."
"No really, I'll go right now...And buy them..."
"It's really too late. I had ONE RULE. Just one. NEVER the children. You crossed the line with me too many times....But I told you- NEVER my babies. Today you hurt the babies. Today I leave..."
Everything else is really hazy. I remember running up the stairs, grabbing suitcases, and filling them with clothes from the closet. I remember grabbing handfuls of toiletries and throwing them in the suitcase. Toys, diapers, baby bottles, money, makeup, everything went in the suitcases. The whole while, my ex was in the background begging me not to go. I felt sorry for him, and at the same time, I felt intense responsibility to protect my babies. The sense of responsibility ruled over everything else.
An hour later, I had packed all my luggage into the SUV, had the kids strapped in the car, and I drove out of the driveway. I knew at that moment, that this was final. I was not coming back. I would go to my parents' house and tell them everything. I would tell them the truth. I would set myself, and the children free. Free from the abuse, free from the dysfunctional life, free from it all.
During the drive, my phone rang. It was my mother in law. Apparently my ex had called her and told her that I had left. She called me to 'talk some sense into me'. She told me that I was being too dramatic, that my ex said he would go on the meds, so what else did I want, that in her day, they beat their kids black and blue, and they turned out ok. That's when I stopped her. That's when I had my say. For the first time in 11 years, I had my say.
"How can you possibly say that they turned out OK? You raised an abusive man. That is not ok. And don't call me a drama queen. Don't call me anything at all. If you and everyone else could get rid of your paki mentality, maybe you would see what I'm going through. I am NOT coming back. This is OVER. And how dare you suggest that it's ok for me to subject myself and my children to further harm? Your whole family is in desperate need of therapy"
I have never been so rude to anyone in all my life. And a mother in law at that. But really- I was very emotional, and really furious at what I was hearing. In hindsight, I guess telling her that she had "paki" mentality was one way of burning a bridge. I had been respectful to her for 11 years. And I let it all out, all at once. How disrespectful. How stupid. How liberating.
I drove on to my parents home. Got to the front, pulled in the driveway, unloaded the luggage and rang the doorbell. My dad answered the door, looked at me, looked at the luggage, and asked where the kids were.
"They are in the car"
"I see..."
He called my brother, asked him to take my luggage to the guest room, and advised me to take the children and put them to bed.
"Then you come down and we will drink tea. You will get some sleep, and we will talk in the morning".
I did as he said. I spent that evening sitting with my dad, his arm around my shoulders, sipping tea, and not once being forced to talk about it. I love my family. Thank GOD for them.
The next morning, I called my boss. I told him what had happened, well at a high level, and told him I couldn't come into the office. He told me to take a few days and sort it out. That was blessing number two. Thank GOD for my boss. He is so understanding and awesome. I truly believe he is a large reason why I am doing so well today.
Then, I called a lawyer. I went to see the lawyer. I started legal proceedings for separation, custody, and division of assets. The next few weeks were comprised of legal meetings, court dates, and me running like chicken with its head cut off.
But I did it. I'm here. It's two years later. I have a home, a new and independent life. I have my health, I have my children, and most of all, I have my family and friends and those who love me close by.
Thank you all for your help and support. Thank you all for getting me here. Thank you all for saving me. God Bless.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
NEVER mess with a mother
"Mommy, Mommy- the boy playing hockey just said that he was going to kidnap me, take me to his house and KILL me!!"
"WHAT?!"
"Mommy- I'm scared"
"WHICH BOY?!"
Let me clarify this for everyone. I am a MOTHER. When something happens to my babies, when someone threatens my babies, it brings out the toughest in me. I'm usually a calm person. I'm usually very composed. This however, was completely uncalled for.
So, I walked to the end of the street and went up to the group of boys. I approached the one that my son pointed out and asked him:
"Hey- did you say anything to my son?"
"Yes- I said hey - you"
"Are you gonna tell me the truth or are you gonna expect me to believe the lie?"
"Well I said I was gonna take him to my house..."
"I think your exact words were I'm gonna kidnap you, take you to my house, and kill you..."
Silence. Then, I guess he realized that his friends were watching and decided to show off major attitude. He gave me some eye rolling face. That REALLY ticked me off.
"Listen kid. Don't be rolling those eyes at me. Listen to me and listen really well. You are not to approach my son again. If you so much as go near 10 feet of him, or breathe a word to him, I'm going to haul your pathetic butt off to jail. What you did is threaten my son. That's also bullying. There are laws in this country against that, and those laws don't give a damn that you're under 16. So trust me, don't you DARE mess with me or my son again. You got that? And don't you roll those eyes at me."
"Yes ma'am".
"That's better. And another thing. If I so much as hear that you bullied another kid, I'm gonna come back to have another chit chat with you. You got that? Don't be threatening little kids or pushing them around. This doesn't apply just to my son. If I see you doing or saying anything like this to anyone again, I won't let it go this easily. Kapeesh?"
"Yes ma'am".
And then I walked away. I must admit. I did feel a bit guilty. But what the heck? Threatening to KILL my son for no reason at all? Come on! I know it might have been a slight over-reaction. I would have gone easier on him if he didn't do the eye rolling thing. But really, he would have just done this to other children. When I got back in front of our house, my kids came running up to me hugging and saying "you're the best mommy in the world. We can tell you anything and you always make it better". I guess that will last a couple more years :)
I just hope my children never grow up to be the ones picking on little kids. I hope I'm as tough with them as I am with the ones picking on them.
I did leave today's conversation sure of two things:
1) That kid will think twice before picking on someone else
2) If my kids encounter another bully, they will be telling me about it
Well, not bad for accomplishments. I know I could have been softer, but still, I think it turned out ok, for now at least...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Terrorism in Toronto?
Anyhow, I got the email today from someone respected in our community, reminding us to talk to our children because of the questions and potential crap they will face when they go to school. Double sigh. In many ways, I wonder if I should bother, or if I should wait and see if they come home with anything. Why put them on the defensive from the get-go? I mean, for sure, there are people out there who will read up on the attempted terrorist thing and talk about those "damned Muslims" at home, and when those kids go to school, they may pick on some Muslim children, but....Is it wise to prepare children for that up front, or wait and see if it becomes an issue? I think I'm going to disagree with this...I'm going to wait and see what happens. If my son comes home with a complaint, I'll have the chat, AND go to the principal with the name of the kids who tease. If nothing happens, I get to avoid making my son super hyper sensitive and defensive. Sounds like a plan. God I hate being on the defensive. I'll avoid it at all costs if I can.
Friday, June 02, 2006
What a Week
I have the children with me this weekend. Mich's son is sleeping over tonight, I've got a birthday party to take my children to tomorrow, and some friends are coming over on Sunday to take the children to Chuck E Cheeses. It should be an interesting and busy weekend. If I get a chance, I'd like to go and visit the friends who just had babies, since I didn't get a chance to do that yet either.
I'm getting tired again....Funny how aware I've become of what that means and the patterns my body presents to me. When I start to feel this way, it means I'm close to burning out...Again....So I'm thinking of planning some vacation time in the next few weeks....Maybe I'll go away with the children for a few days.
I came to a realization over the past few weeks. This one is a tough one to write, because it means being really candid...But here goes. I just realized...I've been in one relationship in my whole life. I met my ex when I was 14, and married him at 21. That's all I've ever known. He was abusive and controlling, which is not real love. That means I'm 34 and I've NEVER been loved by anyone, except family and friends, but that is different. It's a weird feeling. When I thought about this, it all of a sudden made me feel very sad, and lonely, and somewhat pathetic too.
I think I'm ready to move on and meet new people. Cautiously, but ready. It's been 2 years of crap, and I think it's time. Monday May 29 would have been my 13th anniversary. Since I'm still technically legally married, it's all weird. You know what they say about lucky number 13...
On a good note, I just got fantastic news from my ex today. He's decided to move out of my neighbourhood. He's going to move about a 15 minute car drive away, if all goes well. I've got my fingers crossed. Yippeeeeee....Thank you GOD! No more stalking...maybe this means he will leave me alone... New Beginnings indeed!