The Unhappy Perfectionist

I used to be incredibly proud of myself for being a perfectionist. I used to beam every time I overheard a conversation about me that ended in "yeah, well we can't all be superwoman, now can we?". I used to think that it meant that I was doing really well for myself, that I had somehow managed to achieve more in my life than the average person does in theirs, which means that I was a success. Its funny how we define success, it's all subjective, and really tells you a lot about the person in question.

For me, being a perfectionist meant striving to do the best. Not the best that I can, but better than others. Maybe its my competitive streak, maybe its my neurotic streak, or maybe (dare I say it?)- maybe its my somewhat insecure streak. I finally realized recently that I might be putting value in the wrong things. I might be giving importance to something that really isn't important at all. I guess I have my good friend Graham to thank for helping me realize this one.

I was talking to Graham a few months back, and we were talking about perfectionism. I was proudly telling him that I was a very driven individual, that I was anal, often Type A, and that I was a perfectionist. He looked at me and said, "you do know the difference between being driven and being passionate don't you"? When I went on to say, not really- that the end result of both is the same, he agreed; but said that while the end result is the same, the motivation is different. He said "passionate people are driven by their energy, emotion and soul. Driven people are driven by fear- your drive, honey- seems to come from fear, not passion."

Well, this was a shocker. Fear? Fear of what? And then he gave it to me- fear of failure. You know what? He was right. I owe Graham a lot- he helped me realize something very profound about myself, and it explains my whole life. Like why so many of my decisions are based on what people will think of me. Like how social acceptance has always been so important to me. Like how being judged as incompetent would make me feel so devastated that I would drive myself to do crazy neurotic things like (yes, this one's true)- cleaning the house till 4am when I'm drop dead tired, or refusing to open the door when the bell rings cuz the carpet hadn't been vacuumed yet. Even little things about me- the fact that I carry 'tide to go' in my purse, or that I have shout wipes in my desk. I've tried so hard to be the "ideal" mom, employee, wife, daughter, friend, that I have left little time to be whoever I really was. Graham was right. I am very driven, and unfortunately, it is by fear.

All of a sudden my entire life started to make sense. Like why I can be so nice to people at times that I let them walk all over me. Why I stayed in a marriage that wasn't working out for as long as I did. Why I pushed myself to the point of hospitalization before I realized that I did need to slow down. What the hell was wrong with me?

Another friend of mine had another very profound thing to say to me. She said "you need to stop being so proud of the fact that you are a perfectionist. You know what a perfectionist is, don't you? Its a permanent ticket to lifelong unhappiness". I was stunned when she said this to me. After all, how could a perfectionist be unhappy? They were perfect! But she went on to explain that nobody can ever be perfect. We as humans are imperfect. So as a result, someone who constantly strives for perfectionism is constantly working towards something they can never have, and if they base their happiness on it, they cannot ever be happy. Damn! What the hell have I been wasting all this energy on?

Fortunately, most of this happened some time back. Fortunately, I did take a lot of this to heart. I did slow down, I did allow myself to be human, and I have made some major choices. Like vacuuming the house when I have time, but yes, I will open the door even if the place is a mess. Like the fact that I have allowed myself to go into the office late if I have a rough night with the kids, and I feel no shame telling people if I'm having a rough day. Like the fact that I have actually let my kids walk around with a grass stain on their pant leg without whipping out the 'tide to go' (that stuff is still in the purse, but its for me- hey one step at a time right?)....The point is, I'm trying to re-prioritize. Really- the time with my children reading books is more important than the late night laundry routines. The time with my girlfriends is more important than the time I could be cleaning the house. I still take care of the housework, but within reason. I have left dishes in the sink overnight, and I have left the kids coats on the hallway floor if I was too tired to pick them up. (Really- they're just gonna wear them again in the morning...So who cares).

I have a friend who is really similar to me. She recently said that she has made a conscious decision to let her house go. She's also a single mom and says that this is the only way she can be the mother that she needs to be. You know what? I admired her for it. I envied her for it. But at the same time- I hope she doesn't feel ashamed of it. The true test for her is whether or not she will be too ashamed to open the door if someone comes over unannounced. After all, a major part of making a good decision is being confident about it, right?

As for me, I'm taking baby steps- one thing at a time. Its all about starting over. My new beginning is not just about finding myself. I don't know if I want to find myself. I don't think I do. I don't think I want to go back to who I was. Let's just say, I'd like to work more on CREATING myself. I would like this to be about ME. About being who I need to be, who I've wanted to be, and not giving a damn about opinions, or validation. Its about New Beginnings 4 me, and you know what? For the first time in my entire life, I'm actually proud of myself. I actually like the space I'm in, and I'm happy about it. I'm proud of how much of accomplished, of what I've done with my life, and of who I am. And I have to say, I've lowered the bar just a bit....I now strive for excellence, but no longer for perfectionism. And I love it.