OK Well- A bit misleading, because I'm not divorced...Yet. I've told my ex that we need to file, I've made that decision, but I just haven't made the step to go to my lawyer. I ask myself, why? I mean really, its been 16 months since I left this marriage. We've legally separated, and I've moved on and got my own place with the children. So what's stopping me from filing? I don't know what it is. But my guess is that its fear of what the "final" decision will mean for me socially, within my community.
Everywhere I go, I often hear about how I need to sacrifice for my children, never leave a man who loves the children. Never leave a marriage because you will be alone for the rest of your life, and while I really hope I'm not allowing all that garbage to get to me, part of me thinks it is.
Really, I've had 3 main strings of support- my immediate family- mom, dad, brother & his wife, sister & her husband. Then there are my handful of close friends, and then (surprisingly) my colleagues at the office. Other than that, the place where I have felt zero support is my community- the Pakistani Muslim community. Funny that their opinion matters so much, I mean really, I was born here, and so to hell with them, but for whatever reason, their opinion will probably hurt my parents' reputation, and so it does matter to me. But all its doing is pushing me further away. Next time through, I will not be getting involved with someone from this community. I've had enough.
All this talk about the importance of making decisions based on children confuses me at times. Its the age old question- are children better off having two parents that live together (but are unhappy), or better off with two parents who live separate but in peace? The problem is, I won't know the answer for another 15 years or so. Its hard to make a decision when you know you might regret it one day. That being said, I have already made my decision, I just haven't acted on it.
I mean, one of my aunts constantly tells me to go back, to work it out. I keep telling her, do you KNOW how hard it is to live with a bipolar man? Do you know how emotionally disturbing it could be? Do you really think I did not try my best? But its funny- she shares the opinion of many in our community- a woman's role is to hold her family together, no matter what the cost. I personally think that's a load of crap, but the problem is, I sometimes get so tired justifying my decision to the community that it wears me down.
One of my girlfriends gives me the simple answer- so stop justifying yourself. I guess that's right, but really harder to do in practice, easy to say in theory. My solution works just as well- stay away from the community and you won't have to hear people's opinions. It has worked so far. I've managed to stay away from everyone. But now its Ramadan- so its like Christmas season. Can't avoid the parties and functions- the kids want to go....I guess I'll just have to suck it up and face it....This should be fun. I'd rather be underwater basket weaving...But whatever.
So I go on. I get dressed, put on a happy face, pack the kids in the car, go to the parties. Smile, stay distant, and leave. Its quite a facade, but it gets me through.
Don't worry, little by little I am gaining strength. Little by little, I'm getting there. Baby steps, right? Learn to walk before you run. Hey- I did the first few steps...Got my own place. That was a big move. Signed the separation agreement- that was an important step. Dealt with custody issues. Now the rest is paper work.
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