The "Good" Parent?

I know its not a race or a competition. I know we're not supposed to get into the "which parent do you like more" game- after all, that's how children of divorced families turn out so spoiled (and sometimes bratty). There is something that's really bothering me though. My sister raised a really good point a week ago, and I can't seem to shake it. Its been driving me nuts.

See- In this arrangement, I am the responsible parent. No, I'm not just saying that. I really am. I am the one who does 99% of the "work" with the children. I'm the one who has them on weekdays (do you know how hard it is to juggle daycare and a demanding job?)...I'm the one who does Doctors appointments. I do parent-teacher meetings. I feed them, bathe them, do their laundry, help them with homework. My home is structured, and has basic rules (eg- no junk food till you eat healthy food, not too much TV, pick up after yourself), and I spend time teaching them manners, and overall good habits.

In our arrangement, my ex gets the children 3 weekends a month, and I get them one weekend a month. This is NOT a standard arrangement. The standard arrangement is 2 weekends each, and one weeknight for the non- primary care parent. I turned down this agreement and gave him one of my weekends in exchange for his weeknights, for the children's stability. This is for 2 reasons. Really, how stable is it to have one school night at the second parent's house (I think that's disruptive, and would affect them in school), and secondly, to be perfectly honest, my ex is incompetent. No I'm not being mean or bitchy, I'm dead serious. He's not really good at the whole structure thing, and I knew that, and didn't want to impact the children. He's also bipolar, and I feared that if he had the children in a stressful weekday time, he might end up getting frustrated and yelling a lot, and affecting their self esteem. So I gave him one of my weekends, and I get to keep them all week during the weekdays. I feel really crappy about it, cuz I miss them like crazy, but really, I don't think I had a choice.

Case and point- This summer, I had 2 weddings on a Sunday night (don't ask- IndoPaks are weird). So, he offered to keep the children that Sunday night, since I would be getting home at around 11pm. We both agreed that it would be disruptive for them to moved from one home to another like that when it would be past their bedtime, and they would probably have fallen asleep. He would drop them off at school the next day. On both occasions, he ended up getting them to school late- One time at noon, the other at 10am (School officially starts at 8:30, and I get them to the sitter by 7am). On both occasions, I got a phone call from the school requesting that I not let my ex drop off the children because they were late, and as a result, whiny, disruptive, and overall difficult. OK- My children are normally really doing well in school. Their behavior was described by the teachers as "out of character for them". See what I mean? So what the heck was I to do? This just shows that my gut instinct was right to give him a 3rd weekend for the weekday. My fear is, what does this mean for my relationship with the children?

Last weekend, my sister pointed out that "nice- you're the strict rule parent, and he's the fun parent. You get to work like an ox and you'll never be appreciated and they will forever like him more". I never really thought of it that way. But just thinking of that brings me to tears. I'm working as hard as I can, and I don't want to be the mean/boring parent, I want them to have fun with me too. What choices do I have? I mean in the weekdays, its hard enough to do dinner, homework, bath and bed, its not like I can squeeze in a trip to the movie theatre or something. And while I try to do fun things with them on the one weekend I have, really- in the grand scheme, its just a weekend, and so overall, they have more "fun" in the time they spend with their dad than in the time they spend with me, by nature of the fact that he gets all the relaxing time, and I'm doing all the work (really- is dinner/homework /bath any fun for a 4 and 6 year old? Nope- I didn't think so either).

I try to console myself with the fact that one day they will know how much I care and how much I do. One day they're bound to know it, and I kind of think they already do in some ways. A few weekends ago, my daughter was sick. My ex picked her up from school on Friday and within an hour and a half called me and said, "can you cancel your plans for the weekend, she's sick and is crying for you". Well two things- on the one hand, I was relieved that she would be with me because some extra time with her would be awesome even if she was sick, and on the other hand, I was irritated because the one opportunity he had to actually do some work, he passed onto me (what a jerk). But anyways, he dropped her off at my place, and we had a great weekend. She was very clingy and woke up at night, but we still had fun. We played pat a cake, watched TV and ate popcorn, and talked- a lot. I asked her "why did you cry for mommy when you were sick, why didn't you want to stay with daddy honey?" and she said "cuz you're a good mommy and you always take care of me and make me feel better". I have to admit, that melted my heart. I mean maybe subconsciously they know that I'm always here for them. I mean my home is structured, but in a gentle way. I try to tell them "when something is wrong, you can tell me. I won't get mad". I'm hoping they believe that. But still....I'm not the "fun" parent...and that bugs me, cuz I know I can be. I know if I had more time, I would be spending it at the zoo, at mini golf, at the park....I just have so little time with them...

I guess there's no point getting upset in all this. Really, I don't have a choice. I'm just hoping that one day they do come to know how much they mean to me. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to find ways to make things more fun. But it will bother me inside. I mean how do you know when you're making the right choices and doing the right things? You'll never know until they grow up, and then its too late.