Let's go to the Ex

I spent the bulk of the day at the CNE with the children. We had a blast. (Picture ME walking around with flipflops and a backpack. So funny!) The children spent over an hour at the petting zoo and then another hour in the farming building learning about animals. We went to the arts and crafts building, bought a few things, and before I knew it, it was 4pm, and their dad was waiting outside to take them for his weekend with the kids. As I dropped the kids to him, my sister and her hubby arrived, and we got to spend some grown up time together, sans enfants. Overall, it was a good day.

On another note, I had an interesting conversation with a good friend today. It left me feeling a bit weird. Not to get into details, but you know those moments when you feel like everything is just not worth it, but at the same time, feel like you just have to keep holding on anyways? Hard to describe, but I spent a good part of the day with the "why bother" mentality, mixed with the "because you have to" response.

To end the day, I went to the stall where they did Shiatsu massages. I got a 20 min massage, and this girl was an "energy therapist"...she said the bulk of my back problems are from emotional strain. I've heard this one before, but this was not the best day to hear it again. Sigh.

I'll just chalk it up to a lucky guess for now.

Now I have an entire weekend to myself. Most of my friends have long weekend plans, so I will have to find my way around.

A Week off Work

Well, sort of. I always check email periodically :) It's a curse. But really, I think to myself, if I don't do it, I'll just have to stay late to catch up when I get back to work.

I have the week off because daycares are closed. I am spending time with the children. Mr. NYC came yesterday for a visit too, and we just dropped him off at the airport. The children are accustomed to seeing him around now, so they hang out with him, but they also do their own thing, which is good. It was cute yesterday though. When he arrived, both of them cuddled and sat in his lap to watch TV. It was nice.

I took the children to Canada's Wonderland on Tuesday. We had a really nice time. I'm glad I took the week off. Tomorrow we go to the ex. Then they go to their dad for the weekend. Boo to that. My daughter keeps saying she doesn't want to go, but unfortunately, I don't have a choice on this one.

Exactly 3 weeks until the assessment report comes out. I cannot wait. It feels as if my entire life is dependent on that one report. I am just passing the time, trying to get through the next 3 weeks.

When the Kids Come Home

It's like this entire burden is lifted off my shoulders. I feel whole again. I feel happy again, and I know they are safe and sound.

Don't get me wrong. I am very human. I welcome the break. But at the same time, given the entire craziness with my ex, the break comes with it's own stress. So while I welcome the break, I also long for their return.

I'm glad they are home. Next weekend is my weekend, and the week after that I have taken off work to spend with my babies. YAAY.

I just need to get through the next 5 days at work, and then I have a good stretch of time just to be a mom. :)

The Biggest Ever Killer is Stress

We all know this, but it scares me every time.

• The biggest killer for people is stress
• Then unhealthy eating
• Then lack of exercise
  
• Then lack of sleep

So what happens when you are a single mom in a legal battle, who eats on the go, exercises only 2x a week and sleeps 4.5 hrs a night? :( :( :( :(

Crap. Now I feel SO freaked out.

And you know, I don't even know if I would care. But really, if something ever happened to me, who the hell would take care of my kids?

NOT MY EX...But legally....I think it would be my ex. SIGH.

I need to change things fast. Let's start with the sleep. I'm going to aim for 6hrs as a start. I'm halfway there on the eating, so I'll work on that too.

Decreasing stress is out of my reach right now....increasing exercise is difficult...no time.

Small steps....

The Internet is a Very Scary Place

I just watched a bloody freaky episode of Oprah. I PVR Oprah, so this one was from early July. She talked about webcams and the amount of very young children that are lured into pornography and molested as early as 9 or 10. They are first approached by people acting like children and then later ask them to do small things for money which they send to them via Paypal. Now I'm not entirely surprised, I mean, I know full well that children are approached by adults online and that adults often try to meet with children in person. That wouldn't normally scare me, as many parents keep a really close eye on where their children are going, who they are with etc.

What really scared me is that these children are approached by "friends" and then paid large amounts of money for things that may not strike them as a big deal (show me your underwear, take off your shirt if you're a boy) etc. And then months later they are making thousands of dollars a week selling their bodies online to pedophiles. How incredibly sad, and terrifying. The scary part is that this happens all from the privacy of their bedrooms. The parents never know what is going on behind their children's closed doors.

I have good friends who say that you should never allow kids to have computers in their rooms. I agree wholeheartedly.

In addition to that, I will never let my children have a webcam. NEVER.

A Hellish 2 Weeks...

Here is a timeline of events for the past 2 weeks. These are all very disturbing to me. They have in fact consumed me for the past two weeks, to the point that I cannot sleep and I have just been beside myself with worry.

It is all so very sad. This is an unreasonable amount of stress and trauma for a young 8 year old boy to endure. My ex is as always, abusing his role as a joint custodial parent, and he has not been able to act in the best interests of the children, nor is he keeping their emotional well being in mind.


Friday, July 25, 2008

• We met with the doctor, who diagnosed my son with ADHD
• The significance of this is that I wanted to have my son tested a year ago. My ex refused and I had to get a court order to get my son tested. Had my ex listened to me, we would have had treatment for our son by now. This further feeds into the need for a sole custodial arrangement. The joint custody is not helping the children. It is hurting them. I just hope the courts have enough sense to see through all this crap
  

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

• My ex had his visit with the children. He called me at 5:30, within an hour of picking up the children as my son had a meltdown after his father picked him up about choice of restaurants for dinner.
  
• My ex handled it very inappropriately and told him that he has a temper problem and that there is something wrong with him (ie the ADD), that we have confirmed he needs medication to fix his bad behavior. I cannot stress enough how highly inappropriate this was for him to say. I have deliberately not told my son about the diagnosis because I wanted the direction of a trained therapist on how to approach the matter first. A child's self esteem is at stake here. Things escalated between my son and my ex and my son demanded to go back home to his mother, stating that he would "rather die" than be with his dad.
• I got a phone call from my ex at around 5:30 (an hour after he had picked up the children) and he said (in front of the children) that my son was out of control, he needed meds, he has issues etc. I spoke to my son who was very hysterical and kept crying asking what was wrong with him and why did he need the medication. I reassured him that nothing was wrong with, that he was a good little boy, and that he didn't need to worry. I managed to calm him down and he said he wanted to come home, that he didn't want to be with his father ever again. I spoke to my ex and told him that he can bring the children to me. I was in a meeting with a colleague while all this happened and the colleague witnessed everything- My son's hysterics (which he could hear through the phone) and what I said to my ex
  
• My ex came to drop the children off to me at 6:30
  
• Once my son came home, I was able to calm him down. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and he was perfectly fine all day Thursday and all day Friday.
  

Friday August 1, 2008

• This was my ex's weekend with the children (supervised by his family). It was a long weekend.
• I got a phone call from my ex, explaining that he was considering taking my son to sick kids hospital, because he felt that he was suicidal. I reminded him that this "wanting to die" thing was over 48 hours ago, that our son was perfectly fine and happy and that there was no emergency. He was simply trying to get his father's attention at the time, and let him know that he was serious when he said he wanted to come home. Truthfully, if my son was suicidal or depressed, I would have seen it. I know my child VERY well, and the fact that my ex would say or do this just shows how little he really does know about our son.
  
• I explained to my ex that there is a very big difference between a suicidal child and a child that says he would "rather die than be with his dad". But my ex told me he called Sick Kids, and another Hospital, and they all told him that if a child was suicidal they should take him to emergency. I of course, knowing my child, knew he was absolutely not suicidal, and I also have to wonder that when my ex called all these organizations for advice, did he give them the RIGHT amount of background information, specifically that:
• he hadn't interacted with his children unsupervised for about 6 months
• There is a history of violence towards the children on his part
• Our son said he wanted to go home to his mother and that he would rather die than be with his father (this is not exactly suicidal in my opinion, and I think if this information had been relayed, my ex would have gotten a different answer )
• Also, if my ex really believed that my son was suicidal, why didn't he take him to a hospital on Wed instead of handing him off to me, and why did he then turn and insist on taking him to a hospital 48hours later? - I believe it was to manipulate as he knew that he was already in trouble for what had happened on Wed night, namely that he couldn't handle our son, that he had to send him home to me, and that my son stated that he would rather die than be with his father. I personally believe that my ex was afraid of how this would look for him, and was trying to do whatever he could to salvage the situation. However, putting our son through this process was not fair to him, and was not the right approach.
  
• I reiterated that there is a difference between suicidal and a threat to get his way. My ex then told me that he felt that it was a good idea to take him to sick kids, because he would then be able to bypass the 6 month intake process and have our son seen for his ADHD as well. I told my ex that this was the wrong way to do things, and that we should go through a proper referral process for the ADHD, and that he should not be using this issue as a means to bypass the intake, that this wasn't fair to put our son through this. In my opinion, this was my ex's attempt to manipulate the system.
  
• My ex said he would think about it, but that he might need to take our son to sick kids.
• I told him to let me know what route he was going to take as I would want to be there (my fears were that he wouldn't share the details of our case and just position it as a suicidal child, which is exactly what he did).
• At the end of the weekend (2 days later), I got an email from my ex stating that he had taken our son to Sick Kids on Friday night, and that there was a follow up appointment for him on Wed at 9am. I replied saying that I would take him to the appointment myself.
  

Tuesday August 5th 2008

• I got an email from my ex at 9:23pm stating that his appointment for Wed 9am has moved to Thursday at 9am. No explanation, no doctor's name, no contact information provided, despite the fact that I repeatedly asked for the Doctor's name and telephone number.
• In my opinion, this was a deliberate tactic on his part to squeeze me out of the appointment. I had changed all my Wed meetings to Thursday and I now had to cancel them again. I suspect he was hoping that I would let him take the children to the appointment, or that I would not get the email in time and would show up Wed, only to be told to come back the next day.

Wednesday August 6th 2008

• My ex has a 4 hr access period on Wed nights (unsupervised, in a public place)
• My ex's lawyer sent a letter to my lawyer late in the day, requesting that my ex be allowed to keep our son overnight Wed to take him to the appointment on Thursday. I decline the request. To me, this just further shows that he was trying to squeeze me out of this whole process at sick kids. I can only assume this is because he didn't want me telling them the truth about his access arrangements to the children and so that he could take complete control of the situation.
  
• My ex picked the children up at 5:30pm for his 4 hour access time (they arrived back from their summer camp trip at 5:30)
  
• He returned them to me at 10 pm, despite the fact that there was a 9am appt at Sick Kids the next day, meaning we would need to wake up by 6:30am to leave by 7:30am, and despite my numerous text messages reminding him not to bring them late, as they had to wake up early,
  

Thursday August 7th 2008- Sick Kids Hospital follow up appt

• We had the appointment at Sick Kids at 9am
• My ex showed up for the appointment also
  
• I asked the receptionist why they changed the appointment to Thursday and she advised me that "the father" came in on Tuesday in person to change the appointment to Thursday. My question to him would be:
• If I was the one taking our son why didn't he confirm my availability first before changing the appointment time?
• Why did he move the appointment out by yet another day if he was "so concerned" about a "suicidal child"?
  
• If he changed the appointment, why didn't he inform me until 9:30 the night before (unless of course he was planning to send a lawyer's letter late in the day Wed hoping to keep our son overnight. I believe he scheduled the appointment for Thursday, hoping he could keep them overnight on Wed and bring him in himself).
  
• Why was he trying to squeeze me out of the process?
• When we sat down with the intake co-ordinator, she asked my son a series of questions. When she asked him if he knew why he was here he said no. She explained that it was because he said he wanted to kill himself. My son immediately responded that:
• He would never hurt himself
• He just said that to his dad to get him to take him seriously
• He said his dad never listens to him, and that he never compromises, that Mom listens and sometimes says no to things, but that with dad its always his way and so this was his my son's) way of getting his dad to take him seriously
• He said he understood it was wrong to say it especially if he didn't mean it
• At the end, they closed the file. They did recommend that we take high conflict therapy for families. They faxed a report to the family doctor. The report clearly states that there is no sign of depression/suicidal tendencies.
  
• They said that regarding the ADHD, we would have to go through regular channels- meaning a doctor's referral to sick kids, or we can just work with the existing doctor and therapist. They said that between the children's therapist and MD, our son would get faster treatment than if he waited for 6-12 months intake process

Honestly, I have had just about enough of all this crap. In 4 weeks, I will have the assessor's report and I can proceed to court to put an end to all this. I am tired, I am fed up, and now I am just plain angry. Hurting me is one thing. Hurting my children I just cannot tolerate.

There has to be justice. There just has to. I am really counting on the courts to pull through for me. There is only so much one person can take, and now I have really really hit my final limit.

Enough is enough.

Mr. NYC Meets the Parents

Well, I was not expecting this. At all.

We had planned for Mr. NYC to come to Toronto this weekend. He had some work to do for a Pakistani concert in Toronto, so it worked out well (actually, the work came up after we booked his ticket, and after he arrived here in Toronto, but hey, I'm not complaining). So anyways, today, as he was ready to leave, we decided it was time for him to meet my parents. Just like that. Totally unplanned, totally last minute. I called up my parents and told them I was bringing my friend from NYC over for tea. They were open to meeting him.

I was a bit nervous about how my dad would be. I mean, I didn't want the old "what are your intentions with my daughter" speech. I just wanted them to meet like they do with any other friend. And I was worried. Worried that my overprotective-nobody-is-good-enough-for-my- daughter dad would would over and ruin the meeting. I told my dad to meet him as a friend. Not to question him yet, as we haven't decided things on our end yet. He reluctantly agreed.

My dad greeted him well, treated him well and actually liked him! He was actually joking with him by the end of the visit. Not just kidding around but holding your belly and laughing joking.

Afterwards, he said that Mr. NYC is a "really decent guy" and he wishes me all the best and hopes this work out for me whatever I may decide!!! Can you believe that? All this stress, avoiding my parents and it went so well....thank GOD!

Afterwards, Mr. NYC said "Behave yourself. Your dad is just a nice guy. You described him as so overprotective and difficult. You know what I think? I think you don't know your own father."

Um. Wow....

Hell has officially frozen over....I am so totally shocked.

So what next? Nothing. I haven't figured that out yet. I think the court case will dictate alot of that. In the meantime, I am just pleasantly surprised by my parents. And I have a newly found respect for them. Nothing wrong with that, right?

ADHD

My son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder last week. It was a rough week. I haven't blogged because I was trying to get my head around things.

I saw this coming, and I have somewhat mentally prepared myself for it, but I think I need to figure out what to do next to help him.

The situation with the crazy ex husband certainly doesn't help things at all.

The one good news...I had my son tested for juvenile bipolar disorder too. Fortunately, there were no signs of that. That is the good news. Really good news. It makes the ADHD small in comparison. Thank God for perspective.

So next steps, I will soak this in, and consult with some professionals.

I keep reminding myself- God never gives you a challenge that is bigger than what you can face.

In time, this will pass. I will get through this and my little baby will be OK.

Losing Steam

As the last few months (hopefully) of this case are just around the corner, I find myself losing the stamina to continue. Things have been so brutal lately and at their height in ugliness. I just don't know if I have it in me to keep this up. This isn't me. I'm not cut out for this hostility. I just want to be free and happy. In the process of getting free, I got stuck in this never ending hostility. It is totally wrong.

In a conversation yesterday, Mr. NYC gently told me that I need to be prepared to accept that my ex will never really leave me alone. This craziness that has been my life may not be containable. It made me kind of sad to hear it. And then part of me realized what he was doing. If I mentally accept it as my reality, it won't surprise me anymore. I think he's right, I just don't know if I'm mentally there yet.

Either way, Mr. NYC will be here for the weekend, and I am really looking forward to the visit. Little rays of sunshine through the clouds I guess.

I cannot tell you just how much I want this to be over. If I can live through the next few months, I can live through just about anything.

Oct Moves to Nov...

Another delay. My ex's lawyer says he can't make Oct 15th. He is now requesting a date in November. Do you ever feel like some people just have no sense of responsibility? I am so fed up of these games.

I find myself feeling really down these days. I'm trying to snap out of it, but it's really difficult. I mean, it's been 4 years. When will this end?

The Divorce Cake

Sorry Guys. I just couldn't resist posting this. It's hilarious. A bit graphic and creepy but funny none the less. I wonder if anyone has ever had a party with a divorce cake?

And my Babies are Home...

The children are back from their weekend with their dad's. They stayed at his brother's home, so it was a supervised visit. They had a lot of fun, and their dad was on good behaviour. Thank God. I can breathe a sigh of relief.

On another note, I am emotionally drained from this weekend. It is very rare for me to spend so much time to myself and I learned a few things this weekend:

1. I am truly an extrovert. I knew this before, but now I know what it REALLY means. I need to be around people to recharge. I feel like I haven't recharged so I feel a bit like I still need that face time with people. That being said, I did sort through a lot of stuff, so that is good.
   
2. I actually can live with myself, and I know that no matter what, even if I am single forever, that's OK. I will be just fine.
3. The best friends are those who can see you in your darkest hour and still be there for you, even when you are being really moody.
4. For some of us (people like me), our friends and family are our world.
   

Domestic Violence In America

I watched another Oprah episode that I found to be sad, but it was a good one for me to watch. It was about domestic violence. It was a story about a woman whose ex husband dosed her with gasoline and set her on fire. I saw Oprah interviewing this woman who was burned all over. She was beautiful before and while externally scarred, she seemed to still be hopeful for the future. I'm convinced that things will go better for her, and I pray that it does. And then I realized....all I'm losing is money and patience. But my health is better than ever and my children are adjusting well. They adore Mr. NYC and ask me if I can marry him. They actually WANT me to marry him. Instead of having children that react to a boyfriend mine are supportive. I've been such an ingrate lately. I don't know where my head has been. I have so much to be grateful for.

There were 3 statistics on the show about domestic violence that really saddened me. I just had to share them with everyone...

1. Every 15 seconds, a woman in the US is abused by a boyfriend or spouse. (HOLY CRAP! I mean aside from the fact that I am not alone in what I went through, how sad is this? And what is happening to all those women? I am one of the rare ones who got a fresh start. I am really so very lucky. And WE really need to do something to help all those women. I mean- guys, that was ME!)
2. One in 3 women will suffer domestic violence in their lifetime. Again- this is so sad, it made me cry.
3. 30% of female deaths occur as a result of physical abuse from their partner. This one hits home. I found an old diary the other day. I read one of the entries that I wrote a few years into my marriage (maybe one day I'll type it here), but I actually wrote that I was afraid of my ex, and that I honestly believed that one day I would be killed by him. A few years later, I wrote the same thing again. It just made me think- I have so much to be thankful for. And, I need to do something to help others get out of abusive marriages. I have a success story to share and I need to use it for the benefit of others. I have a few ideas- one of them was just going to a local women's shelter and helping women rebuild their resumes and find jobs online. Any takers who want to join me?
   

It's Been an Interesting Weekend So Far...

If you force yourself to spend time alone, you learn a lot about yourself. I know, I've been all alone (no people around me at all) for only 24 hrs so far. It's amazing how hard it is to live in your own head sometimes. I had to fight the urge to call up friends and go out. I find it amazing just how much I depend on others for support, entertainment, etc. I resisted the urge to call my friends, because I needed to figure out a few things. Life has just been so unsettling lately and I really needed the space to think. I did some thinking and I'm not at end goal, but I am slowly getting some clarity. Some of it is scary, some of it is learning about myself. I'm looking forward to tonight. If it doesn't rain, I am planning on taking a traditional paper and pen diary up to the lake and just writing about life.

One of the things I did do so far this weekend is watch Oprah shows on my PVR. I record them regularly but never get time to watch them. I find Oprah so incredibly inspiring. By being able to fast forward through commercials, I've actually been able to watch quite a few episodes while eating, folding laundry, etc. (Don't worry, I haven't spent the entire weekend in front of the tube). I found a few episodes particularly interesting. Two of them were about the strength of positive energy, that what we believe about ourselves dictates what comes back to us. To be honest, a friend at work said this to me a few weeks back as well. I think it is true- positive thinking breeds positive results, and negative thinking breeds negative results. The people on the show described it by saying that the "universe is listening" and that it will "give you back whatever you feed to it".

If I look back, although I have experienced a lot of negative events, things always got better. And, when I went through the worst hardships that I have been through, although I was stressed out, better things came my way, BECAUSE I SINCERELY BELIEVED THEY WOULD.

Lately, I have been strung out again:

• partially because the court case is winding down (and there have been unexpected kinks along the way)
• partly because of financial matters
• partly because of some personal matters
• partly because work has been busier as I have been short staffed
  

For some reason, lately I have just become very negative, and destructive. I mean, I've faced worse with a positive outlook but for some reason, this time, I haven't been positive at all. And to be honest, the more negative I've been, the worse things have been getting.

That being said, I am pretty confident that things will get better. I started off this weekend expecting it to be positive and to re-direct me again, and you know what? I think it is doing just that. (Hey- maybe I was MEANT to see those two episodes of Oprah! I LOVE YOU OPRAH!)

Three cheers for positive thinking!

It Is Better to be From a Broken Home than Living in a Broken Home...

How true it is.

I need to remind myself of that the next time I feel crappy, guilty, or like the children's lives are hopeless because of the divorce.

I always knew this (I mean, that was the driving principle to why I filed for divorce), but it's nice to be reminded.

Well put, Dr. Phil. (BTW- I am NOT personally a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but I saw the quote and rather liked it).

This is the first weekend in 6 months that the children will be with their father. I'm trying not to focus on the fact that it almost feels like a setback. I mean I am right back where I was 6 months ago. I'm sure the past 6 months will catch up to him at some point in court. But they haven't caught up with him yet.

Anyhow, I started off planning a bunch of things that I had to do. I had back to back plans with friends etc. I even had to turn down a Buffalo shopping trip with one of my best friends because I was so busy.

And then I realized. I never take the time for myself. I've been feeling so depressed lately and so crappy and so hopeless. I don't need more stuff on my plate. I need less. I need to sleep it off. I am so exhausted I can barely function.

So here is the plan. I will go to the gym today, tomorrow, Sunday. I will catch up on my house chores, and I will sleep. I need to get the rest.

I canceled everything with all the friends. Most of them read this blog. I'm sure the good friends will forgive me.

Now my weekend is free.

I have a date with the bubble bath, with Starbucks, and with my bed. I might even go wild and rent some movies and eat popcorn.

Case Conference in Court

Today was our case conference. I am truly getting sick of all this crap. I find it absolutely amazing that the assholes of this world can get away with so much. Court went OK, neither great nor really bad, but man the system wastes alot of time and money.

So the net result of today:

• The CAS closed their file yesterday (incompetent aren't they?)
• He will be allowed to spend weekends with the kids supervised by someone I approve of
• He is allowed to see them for up to 4 hrs on Wed nights unsupervised provided he goes to a public place (he is not allowed to be alone with them at home)
• He has to provide me with his financial invoices so I can see what he really makes
• He has to pay me back all money in installments before our next court date which is Oct 15.
• The assessor has confirmed that he will provide disclosure/decisioning by Sept 18 so that is just barely enough time before our next court date

So basically, nothing earth shattering. Baby steps I suppose. The real big next date is Sept 18.

The one interesting thing that I learned today is that he is living with a room mate. A female room mate. I don't really care, except that Mr. Fundamentalism who took me to court for letting the kids celebrate Halloween (a Pagan tradition) is shacking up with some chick. I mean, I'm sure it's platonic, but seriously, what happened to his Muslim beliefs now? Why should he get to pick and choose? And now he wants to take the kids to the apartment to meet his room mate? Isn't that Islamically worse than say, celebrating Halloween?

I personally don't care who he lives with. It's his life. What bugs me is the inconsistency. Mr. Fundamentalism needs to learn to be consistent, and to pick his battles. I mean he took me to COURT over HALLOWEEN for Pete's sake!

I'm so tired of this stupidity.

The Twists and Turns

"I miss the days when I was married to your mom. I really enjoyed when our family was together".

Firstly- what idiot says this to innocent children? Secondly- nice to say, but if you had appreciated those days, you would have had more respect for your wife and children.

This is so unbelievable messed up. I don't even know where to start.

A close friend of mine, upon hearing this, told me that the message was obviously meant for me to hear. I think that might be true, but it doesn't make it any less sick. Just like him telling me back in January that he still loves me and secretly hopes that our family will one day be "reunited". I mean come on.

Let's please stop using the children as pawns. Sheesh.

A Few More Days Till Court

My ex called me a few days back. He wanted to avoid the court date and save some money, especially since the assessment won't be ready in time. I agreed with him, but explained that I couldn't because he owed me alot of money and was refusing to pay up. It's all messed up because I have to spend a ton of money to get back some money so it feels like a waste. We tried to settle things ourselves over email, but typical to himself, he got pushy and tried to give me ultimatums etc so here I am, going to court on Wed.

I can't stand my ex. Everything is a power struggle with him. This time, I will not let him control me or scare me or threaten me. I did it for 15 years. Well no more.

Anyhow, enough of that. I'm just sick of it all really.

On another note, I have been working in overdrive at work lately. I had one person on my team move to another role within our dept and another that left the company. So it's a bit of a one woman show and I really can't seem to keep up. Sigh.

Anyhow, my body defies me. Just when I think I'm managing well, my face explodes in acne heaven and I develop a throat infection. Not surprised I guess. I spent the bulk of this weekend drugged out so far. Not fun at all. I will survive.

On another note, the CAS will be closing the file next week. That means that next weekend my ex will get to spend the entire weekend with the children again. Supervised by his family of course. Honestly, it just feels like it is all back to the drawing board. I hate the system.

I wonder if there is such a thing as trying too hard as a mother? I mean, I spend every last dime and feel like I get nowhere. The assholes of this world always seem to prevail.

I feel so fed up today. Must be the fact that I'm under the weather. I'm just so....tired. I feel like giving up. I mean, heck. Let GOD take care of these kids if he wants to. How much can one person take anyways?

Approaching the Court Date

It's been awhile since I've posted. Life has been a little insane. Lots has been happening, none of it really good, and none that I care to blog about at the moment.

The one thing is that the court date is fast approaching. July 16th is around the corner and as it turns out, the assessment results will not be in on time. We will get the results in August. So this court date feels like a bit of a waste of time, but then again, we will use it to update the judge on what's been going on for the past 6 months, and to get some sort of resolution around money. My ex owes me a very sizable amount of money so I need to recover those funds.

At first, I was really upset when I realized that I would go to court only to have no resolution at this time. Then I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, and that things always work out for the best. Whatever the reason for this delay, I'm sure it's a good one. My guess at this point in time is that July will come and go but we won't have any resolution until Sept on the custody issue. Sigh. Life goes on I suppose. And worse things can happen.

A week and a half and I go to court. Let's see how it goes. In August, I will have the disclosure meeting with the assessor so that should be interesting.

If nothing else, I'm curious to see how the judge reacts when she finds out that my ex abused the children back in Jan and has been forced under supervision by the CAS. She thought he could handle 4hrs on a weeknight unsupervised. She clearly was wrong. I am wondering what she will say when she hears all the details.

Either way, two weeks and that milestone will have passed...

Expect the Worst

A friend of mine had a really brutal conversation with me today. It actually really got under my skin in a big way. After he left, and after I got time to think about it, I realized that he was right. Blunt, yes. Brutal, hell ya. But he was right.

He said that more than half of my unhappiness today is coming from the fact that I have allowed it. Yes, I have crappy circumstances. Yes, my ex is an asshole. But he always will be. And because we have two children together, he will always be in my life, and because he is an asshole, he will always be treating me like crap and deliberately making things difficult for me.

The only consistent thing where he is concerned is that whenever he has a chance, he will do something to de-rail my life. So his solution- why not just expect the worst? Expect that things will always be this way. That way, you won't be disappointed. Expect that he will do this because he is mentally ill and always will be. Expect that he will keep obsessing over me because that is all he has done for 4 years now. Expect the worst, and then take in a deep breath when it happens and let it roll off your back.

I said that's not so easy to do. He says it's because I'm not used to doing it. He says that at the end of the day, I've allowed myself to get de-railed like this. And that I should not be allowing it. I need to accept this as part of my life because it won't change. It hasn't changed and I've been fighting it for 4 years. He says I need to find happiness within the life I have been given, even if that life has its moments of instability.

I was so mad at him. I said he didn't understand me, that he was oversimplifying things.

But I think he may be right.

Sigh.