It is all so very sad. This is an unreasonable amount of stress and trauma for a young 8 year old boy to endure. My ex is as always, abusing his role as a joint custodial parent, and he has not been able to act in the best interests of the children, nor is he keeping their emotional well being in mind.
Friday, July 25, 2008
- We met with the doctor, who diagnosed my son with ADHD
- The significance of this is that I wanted to have my son tested a year ago. My ex refused and I had to get a court order to get my son tested. Had my ex listened to me, we would have had treatment for our son by now. This further feeds into the need for a sole custodial arrangement. The joint custody is not helping the children. It is hurting them. I just hope the courts have enough sense to see through all this crap
- My ex had his visit with the children. He called me at 5:30, within an hour of picking up the children as my son had a meltdown after his father picked him up about choice of restaurants for dinner.
- My ex handled it very inappropriately and told him that he has a temper problem and that there is something wrong with him (ie the ADD), that we have confirmed he needs medication to fix his bad behavior. I cannot stress enough how highly inappropriate this was for him to say. I have deliberately not told my son about the diagnosis because I wanted the direction of a trained therapist on how to approach the matter first. A child's self esteem is at stake here. Things escalated between my son and my ex and my son demanded to go back home to his mother, stating that he would "rather die" than be with his dad.
- I got a phone call from my ex at around 5:30 (an hour after he had picked up the children) and he said (in front of the children) that my son was out of control, he needed meds, he has issues etc. I spoke to my son who was very hysterical and kept crying asking what was wrong with him and why did he need the medication. I reassured him that nothing was wrong with, that he was a good little boy, and that he didn't need to worry. I managed to calm him down and he said he wanted to come home, that he didn't want to be with his father ever again. I spoke to my ex and told him that he can bring the children to me. I was in a meeting with a colleague while all this happened and the colleague witnessed everything- My son's hysterics (which he could hear through the phone) and what I said to my ex
- My ex came to drop the children off to me at 6:30
- Once my son came home, I was able to calm him down. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and he was perfectly fine all day Thursday and all day Friday.
- This was my ex's weekend with the children (supervised by his family). It was a long weekend.
- I got a phone call from my ex, explaining that he was considering taking my son to sick kids hospital, because he felt that he was suicidal. I reminded him that this "wanting to die" thing was over 48 hours ago, that our son was perfectly fine and happy and that there was no emergency. He was simply trying to get his father's attention at the time, and let him know that he was serious when he said he wanted to come home. Truthfully, if my son was suicidal or depressed, I would have seen it. I know my child VERY well, and the fact that my ex would say or do this just shows how little he really does know about our son.
- I explained to my ex that there is a very big difference between a suicidal child and a child that says he would "rather die than be with his dad". But my ex told me he called Sick Kids, and another Hospital, and they all told him that if a child was suicidal they should take him to emergency. I of course, knowing my child, knew he was absolutely not suicidal, and I also have to wonder that when my ex called all these organizations for advice, did he give them the RIGHT amount of background information, specifically that:
- he hadn't interacted with his children unsupervised for about 6 months
- There is a history of violence towards the children on his part
- Our son said he wanted to go home to his mother and that he would rather die than be with his father (this is not exactly suicidal in my opinion, and I think if this information had been relayed, my ex would have gotten a different answer )
- Also, if my ex really believed that my son was suicidal, why didn't he take him to a hospital on Wed instead of handing him off to me, and why did he then turn and insist on taking him to a hospital 48hours later? - I believe it was to manipulate as he knew that he was already in trouble for what had happened on Wed night, namely that he couldn't handle our son, that he had to send him home to me, and that my son stated that he would rather die than be with his father. I personally believe that my ex was afraid of how this would look for him, and was trying to do whatever he could to salvage the situation. However, putting our son through this process was not fair to him, and was not the right approach.
- I reiterated that there is a difference between suicidal and a threat to get his way. My ex then told me that he felt that it was a good idea to take him to sick kids, because he would then be able to bypass the 6 month intake process and have our son seen for his ADHD as well. I told my ex that this was the wrong way to do things, and that we should go through a proper referral process for the ADHD, and that he should not be using this issue as a means to bypass the intake, that this wasn't fair to put our son through this. In my opinion, this was my ex's attempt to manipulate the system.
- My ex said he would think about it, but that he might need to take our son to sick kids.
- I told him to let me know what route he was going to take as I would want to be there (my fears were that he wouldn't share the details of our case and just position it as a suicidal child, which is exactly what he did).
- At the end of the weekend (2 days later), I got an email from my ex stating that he had taken our son to Sick Kids on Friday night, and that there was a follow up appointment for him on Wed at 9am. I replied saying that I would take him to the appointment myself.
- I got an email from my ex at 9:23pm stating that his appointment for Wed 9am has moved to Thursday at 9am. No explanation, no doctor's name, no contact information provided, despite the fact that I repeatedly asked for the Doctor's name and telephone number.
- In my opinion, this was a deliberate tactic on his part to squeeze me out of the appointment. I had changed all my Wed meetings to Thursday and I now had to cancel them again. I suspect he was hoping that I would let him take the children to the appointment, or that I would not get the email in time and would show up Wed, only to be told to come back the next day.
- My ex has a 4 hr access period on Wed nights (unsupervised, in a public place)
- My ex's lawyer sent a letter to my lawyer late in the day, requesting that my ex be allowed to keep our son overnight Wed to take him to the appointment on Thursday. I decline the request. To me, this just further shows that he was trying to squeeze me out of this whole process at sick kids. I can only assume this is because he didn't want me telling them the truth about his access arrangements to the children and so that he could take complete control of the situation.
- My ex picked the children up at 5:30pm for his 4 hour access time (they arrived back from their summer camp trip at 5:30)
- He returned them to me at 10 pm, despite the fact that there was a 9am appt at Sick Kids the next day, meaning we would need to wake up by 6:30am to leave by 7:30am, and despite my numerous text messages reminding him not to bring them late, as they had to wake up early,
- We had the appointment at Sick Kids at 9am
- My ex showed up for the appointment also
- I asked the receptionist why they changed the appointment to Thursday and she advised me that "the father" came in on Tuesday in person to change the appointment to Thursday. My question to him would be:
- If I was the one taking our son why didn't he confirm my availability first before changing the appointment time?
- Why did he move the appointment out by yet another day if he was "so concerned" about a "suicidal child"?
- If he changed the appointment, why didn't he inform me until 9:30 the night before (unless of course he was planning to send a lawyer's letter late in the day Wed hoping to keep our son overnight. I believe he scheduled the appointment for Thursday, hoping he could keep them overnight on Wed and bring him in himself).
- Why was he trying to squeeze me out of the process?
- When we sat down with the intake co-ordinator, she asked my son a series of questions. When she asked him if he knew why he was here he said no. She explained that it was because he said he wanted to kill himself. My son immediately responded that:
- He would never hurt himself
- He just said that to his dad to get him to take him seriously
- He said his dad never listens to him, and that he never compromises, that Mom listens and sometimes says no to things, but that with dad its always his way and so this was his my son's) way of getting his dad to take him seriously
- He said he understood it was wrong to say it especially if he didn't mean it
- At the end, they closed the file. They did recommend that we take high conflict therapy for families. They faxed a report to the family doctor. The report clearly states that there is no sign of depression/suicidal tendencies.
- They said that regarding the ADHD, we would have to go through regular channels- meaning a doctor's referral to sick kids, or we can just work with the existing doctor and therapist. They said that between the children's therapist and MD, our son would get faster treatment than if he waited for 6-12 months intake process
There has to be justice. There just has to. I am really counting on the courts to pull through for me. There is only so much one person can take, and now I have really really hit my final limit.
Enough is enough.
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