Never go to a walk in clinic. Unless it's so late in the night that you have no other options.
My mom took my daughter to a walk in today. That was AFTER giving her a dose of advil. Although my mom told the doctor that my daughter was given advil to bring down the 104 fever, the doctor told her that my daughter was fine and prescribed- get this - claritin for allergies. She said my daughter had allergies. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have half a brain and therefore I do know that allergies do not give you a fever of 104. Idiot doctor.
So we are home and my daughter is crying her eyes out - from the pain, the fever, the sore throat, the cold.
I've given her medication/cough syrup/nasal spray. And more importantly, I've asked my mother to take her to our family doctor tomorrow (he was closed today, which is why they went to a walk in clinic).
Sigh. Stupid health care. Stupid doctors should be fired.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sick Child
My daughter is sick :(
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.
So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...
When does it all get better?
There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.
So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...
When does it all get better?
There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Strep Throat
It doesn't end :(
Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.
My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.
And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.
So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.
Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.
My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.
And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.
So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Back to Work with Pneumonia
This was my first week back in the office. Today was my third day physically in the office. It' been much harder than I expected.
I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?
I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.
Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.
I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.
I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?
I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.
Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.
I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to accept a person back into your life, or that you are condoning what someone did.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
- Oprah Winfrey
I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.
And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.
A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.
But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.
A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".
And it's true.
So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".
Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.
But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive myself.
For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.
I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.
So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.
And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
- Oprah Winfrey
I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.
And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.
A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.
But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.
A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".
And it's true.
So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".
Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.
But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive myself.
For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.
I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.
So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.
And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
39 and Feeling it...
Today is my 39th Birthday. I have mixed feelings. Next year, I hit the big 4-0. Hard to believe.
I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.
So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.
So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.
Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.
My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.
It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.
Happy Birthday to me...
I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.
So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.
So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.
Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.
My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.
It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.
Happy Birthday to me...
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
A Compassionate Boss
Today was supposed to be my first day back in the office. I've been out of the office for just over 3 weeks with pneumonia. I worked from home yesterday, and told my boss that I would come in to work today.
At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.
What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.
I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.
Today, I've been counting my blessings...
At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.
What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.
I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.
Today, I've been counting my blessings...
Friday, February 04, 2011
The Butterfly Effect
Do you believe in the butterfly effect?
It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.
It's an interesting concept.
I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?
Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.
Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.
And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.
The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.
It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.
It's an interesting concept.
I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?
Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.
Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.
And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.
The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Snow Day 2011
Today is a snow day. It's the first one since my kids have been going to public school (since grade 1- so like 5/6 years). Needless to say, the kids are thrilled.
So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...
Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.
As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).
My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.
And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.
So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...
Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.
As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).
My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.
And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Weekend with Mom and Dad
I'm spending this weekend with my mom and dad. Nothing like some TLC to make you feel better.
It's funny. I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea. She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep. It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left. There is no better feeling in the world than that.
It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is? Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me? Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work. So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?
While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children? Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?
I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK. So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?
That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.
Back to healing. Thank God for my mom.
It's funny. I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea. She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep. It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left. There is no better feeling in the world than that.
It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is? Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me? Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work. So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?
While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children? Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?
I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK. So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?
That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.
Back to healing. Thank God for my mom.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And it Spreads
I went to the doctor today. He says the pneumonia has spread to my other lung, and that it's pretty serious. I have to be off work again next week. That's going to be my third week off work, which is hard for me to believe. Even when I was hospitalized for a week back in 2004, just four months before I left my husband, I went back to work 3 days after coming out of the hospital. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I've learned that it doesn't get me anywhere to hold work above all else, but I do have to say that 6 months into a new job, it feels really crappy to take 3 weeks off for an illness. I work for a totally awesome woman who told me that she had pneumonia once and that she came back to work earlier than she should have and was back at home two weeks after returning to the office, and the second time she was off for a month. She is super understanding and supportive, which just makes me feel even worse.
As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick. It never ends with him. Some people were just made with evil souls. I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up. Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder. The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.
I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick. I think she may be right. That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.
Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer. Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes. The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital. I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.
So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.
I'd rather be at work...
As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick. It never ends with him. Some people were just made with evil souls. I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up. Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder. The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.
I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick. I think she may be right. That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.
Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer. Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes. The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital. I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.
So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.
I'd rather be at work...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Pneumonia
I don't think I can remember ever being this sick....it's the most horrible feeling in the world. I've been out of the office for a whole week and the doc says I will be out the next week as well. It's brutal.
It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad. Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally. Mentally? Now that is the pot calling the kettle black. I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it. I'd rather just sleep and recover. But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth. There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.
Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me. I really have nothing to complain about. Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person. Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking. Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal. Sad but true.
I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop. There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things. If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...
I don't get it. The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife. Like, last week. I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives. Maybe he is incapable of happiness. And kindness. And human dignity.
I was originally so happy when I heard she was here. You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone. But I guess I was way off on that. Assholes never go away. They just become bigger assholes.
So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever. My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness. It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious. It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.
Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...
It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad. Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally. Mentally? Now that is the pot calling the kettle black. I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it. I'd rather just sleep and recover. But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth. There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.
Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me. I really have nothing to complain about. Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person. Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking. Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal. Sad but true.
I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop. There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things. If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...
I don't get it. The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife. Like, last week. I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives. Maybe he is incapable of happiness. And kindness. And human dignity.
I was originally so happy when I heard she was here. You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone. But I guess I was way off on that. Assholes never go away. They just become bigger assholes.
So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever. My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness. It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious. It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.
Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Meeting up with an old Friend
I had lunch with a friend from high school a few weeks back. She was actually my best friend in high school, and we lost touch after I was married. Actually, I lost touch with a lot of people after I married Mr. Psycho. We reconnected through Facebook and met up after almost 20 years. It was awesome to see her.
Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day. One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before. It's absolutely amazing. What a gift.
Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day. One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before. It's absolutely amazing. What a gift.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
2010 in Review
I have to say that last year was not a bad one at all. It was probably the first really good year I had since the divorce. My year in review- I counted the good and the bad:
The good:
The good:
- I was actually content, for the most part. Yes, there were stressful patches, but overall, I learned to accept my life for what it is
- I changed jobs and found one where so far, I feel more appreciated, I work 9-5 so I have better work life balance, and I got a chance to switch it up a bit
- My friends :) I love you guys
- As the debts get lower, financial peace of mind is on the horizon :)
- I cleaned out my whole house over the holidays to give myself mental freedom. I got rid of 45 garbage bags full of stuff and cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels
- I spent 2 entire weeks over the holidays doing nothing, and I kept the blackberry off. That is the first time in my life that I turned a blackberry off for any length of time.
The bad:
- My ex is at it again (he is such a mental case, and a jerk....I just need to accept that he will never change)- I will write about his psycho episodes another time.
- I have a few things to figure out in my personal life- but I will get there.
- Towards the end of the year, my health has been taking a bit of a mysterious turn. Doctors are working with me to figure it out. I'm told it's nothing major. I think it's the years of stress taking a toll on my body.
How was your 2010?
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
My 9 Year Old Daughter gets Customer Service
So, I bought a new iphone 4. Was totally excited about it. I have been wanting this phone since May, well before it launched to the public. Now that I have it, I can say that the usability is just OK. The convenience of having everything available to you is fabulous, but the phone itself is a piece of junk. It drops calls, loses signal, and is one massive headache.
So today, I called apple's tech support. I was on hold for 1 hour and 20 minutes (yes I had it on speakerphone and did other things as I was on hold). I eventually got fed up and hung up.
My daughter observed this. Her response? (And this is pretty much verbatim):
"Oh my God Mom! Why would you even let them treat you like that? If they don't get that they are lucky to have you as a customer then you should return their stupid phone, get a better phone and tell everyone not to buy anything from apple ever again. If they can't even answer a phone call, nobody should give them any business".
My daughter is 9 years old and she gets business and perceived value better than any MBA.
The world is changing, customers are changing, and they are becoming increasingly demanding. Yes even as young as 9 years old.
So today, I called apple's tech support. I was on hold for 1 hour and 20 minutes (yes I had it on speakerphone and did other things as I was on hold). I eventually got fed up and hung up.
My daughter observed this. Her response? (And this is pretty much verbatim):
"Oh my God Mom! Why would you even let them treat you like that? If they don't get that they are lucky to have you as a customer then you should return their stupid phone, get a better phone and tell everyone not to buy anything from apple ever again. If they can't even answer a phone call, nobody should give them any business".
My daughter is 9 years old and she gets business and perceived value better than any MBA.
The world is changing, customers are changing, and they are becoming increasingly demanding. Yes even as young as 9 years old.
Friday, November 12, 2010
It's Been Awhile...Again.
Things have been very different lately. It's funny- I've had more me time than ever before, but been spending a lot less time online. Kind of neat. A lot of it has to do with my new job. In this new company, I've found work - life balance. I thought I had it where I was before- I had this great flexible workplace and was never questioned no matter what. But one of the benefits of this move has been a 9-5 job. I haven't taken my laptop home to work at night, not even once. I don't check my blackberry for more than 10 minutes a night, and never on weekends. I take the train to work. I've read 6 novels since I started my new job. Leisure reading. Not bad at all. It's funny- I've had more personal time on my hands, but have spent less time writing/blogging.
One of my girlfriends put it well. She said "Well, I guess you are spending more time living your life, and less time blogging about it". Funny, but probably true.
I've had breakfast with the kids every day, during the weekdays. Not granola bars in the car, but a real, sit down breakfast. I've had a nice sit down dinner with them every night as well. I really can't complain.
With respect to my ex, well, two weeks ago, I got a package from his lawyer. A new lawyer, basically saying he wants to re-open all the terms of the court order. Nice. For now, I'm taking this one as it comes. Life has been too good lately to allow him to spoil it. I'm sure at some point it will stress me out but for now, I just want to enjoy what I have. Don't get me wrong, it stressed me out a lot when I first got the envelope, but I'm going to try to take this one in stride. Let's see how long that lasts, but for now, that's the plan.
This is the first year of many that I can say has been a good one for me overall. I lived the year with peace for the most part, made some significant changes career wise and at home with the kids, and worked on my finances. Not bad at all.
One of my girlfriends put it well. She said "Well, I guess you are spending more time living your life, and less time blogging about it". Funny, but probably true.
I've had breakfast with the kids every day, during the weekdays. Not granola bars in the car, but a real, sit down breakfast. I've had a nice sit down dinner with them every night as well. I really can't complain.
With respect to my ex, well, two weeks ago, I got a package from his lawyer. A new lawyer, basically saying he wants to re-open all the terms of the court order. Nice. For now, I'm taking this one as it comes. Life has been too good lately to allow him to spoil it. I'm sure at some point it will stress me out but for now, I just want to enjoy what I have. Don't get me wrong, it stressed me out a lot when I first got the envelope, but I'm going to try to take this one in stride. Let's see how long that lasts, but for now, that's the plan.
This is the first year of many that I can say has been a good one for me overall. I lived the year with peace for the most part, made some significant changes career wise and at home with the kids, and worked on my finances. Not bad at all.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
And the Kids are Home
Hooray!
I have to say, I was very stressed out while they were gone. I don't think anyone can blame me for that...my ex has a solid history of both being irresponsible where the children are concerned and also being deliberately spiteful towards me. Never a good combination. But like I mentioned before, I took every precaution that I could, and I spoke to them every other day.
They came home this past weekend. And from what I can see, they had a fabulous trip. They went to the beach every day, they attended their dad's wedding, and they got to travel. They even got to see the Eiffel tower during their 7 hour stopover in Paris. Nice.
So now, I feel a bit better. Perhaps I won't be so stressed should he decide to travel with them again. I said PERHAPS.
In the meantime, while it's unfortunate for his new wife to be married to a grade A jerk, it does mean he is finally (well hopefully finally) off my hands and officially someone else's problem. While I wouldn't wish those problems on anyone, and while I do hope he will make the third time a charm for this marriage, I do have some major relief in the fact that he hopefully will have other distractions to deal with, which means less time to bother me.
In the meantime, I can sit and cuddle and enjoy the kids again. Hooray! My kids are home :)
I have to say, I was very stressed out while they were gone. I don't think anyone can blame me for that...my ex has a solid history of both being irresponsible where the children are concerned and also being deliberately spiteful towards me. Never a good combination. But like I mentioned before, I took every precaution that I could, and I spoke to them every other day.
They came home this past weekend. And from what I can see, they had a fabulous trip. They went to the beach every day, they attended their dad's wedding, and they got to travel. They even got to see the Eiffel tower during their 7 hour stopover in Paris. Nice.
So now, I feel a bit better. Perhaps I won't be so stressed should he decide to travel with them again. I said PERHAPS.
In the meantime, while it's unfortunate for his new wife to be married to a grade A jerk, it does mean he is finally (well hopefully finally) off my hands and officially someone else's problem. While I wouldn't wish those problems on anyone, and while I do hope he will make the third time a charm for this marriage, I do have some major relief in the fact that he hopefully will have other distractions to deal with, which means less time to bother me.
In the meantime, I can sit and cuddle and enjoy the kids again. Hooray! My kids are home :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Kids are in Morocco
It is a very long story.
My ex is entitled to two weeks uninterrupted with the children every summer. Although he requires my permission to travel, I should not be withholding permission without just cause according to our court order. So the story went like this.
My ex is entitled to two weeks uninterrupted with the children every summer. Although he requires my permission to travel, I should not be withholding permission without just cause according to our court order. So the story went like this.
- My ex booked his two weeks of time with me a few weeks ago. I consented.
- A week later, he told me he wanted to take the kids on vacation and that he was looking for a place to go. I reluctantly consented.
- A week later, he tells me he would like to go to Morocco. I freak (to myself) because I don't trust him, and I was not expecting an international travel. Much less something to a not so developed part of the world. (Or at least that is how I feel about Morocco).
- My ex is under the care of a psychiatrist, and he has letters to prove it.
- He is entitled to two weeks with the kids according to our court order
- He is entitled to get married, and the kids are entitled to attend their father's wedding.
- The kids really want to go, he really wants to take them. I am the odd one left out feeling like this is a bad idea. I can say no, but how will the courts feel about me refusing the kids to go to their father's wedding?
- I call the Canadian Embassy. They say that Morocco is on good terms with Canada and not to worry. I register the children's travel.
- I consent to the trip (reluctantly).
Don't get me wrong. Every part of me is as nervous as hell. I just didn't know what choices I had. I'm trying not to think about it. Sigh. I've spoken to the children (they left on Friday)- they are having a blast. So far so good. But I will not stop holding my breath till they are back.
And how is it that mental freaks can get married for a third time, but good people like myself (yes I do believe I am a good person) can't find a decent relationship? And please. To that guy who told me it's because I'm not skinny enough, bugger off. I don't have time for your BS and put downs. And yes, I am still emotionally bothered by what he said to me. You can't say crap like that to someone with a history of eating disorders without triggering some really bad stuff. Yes they have been triggered. No I'm not getting into it. I'll deal with it and get back on track in time.
To the rest of the normal people out there....any thoughts? Oh yes, and if you are going to tell me it's because I'm not skinny enough, please stop reading my blog. I'm not in the mood for stupidity.
I guess I'm grumpy and edgy these days. Sigh.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Bad Goalie
My kids both play soccer. A couple of weeks back, my daughter had a chance to be goalie in the second half of their game. Her team was winning 2-0. She got in the net, and I watched as my little baby tried to block the net, but let 3 goals in. Her team lost 3-2. She was devastated.
I knew from the moment the game ended that this was not going to be pretty. I thought she was going to cry. And then I saw her run towards me, tears streaming down her face. "Mommy- I made my team lose!"
I reassured her that it wasn't her fault. She played her best, and that is all we can do. We can't do better than our best. "But mommy- If someone else was the goalie, we wouldn't have lost! I think they all hate me!".
"Firstly baby. They don't hate you. Secondly, how do you know you would have won? How do you know that the people scoring the goals weren't the ones that were good goal scorers? How do you know?"
She paused. "No. It's my fault".
"Ok...is there anything we could have done differently? No. Could we do better than our best? No. At the end of the day, someone is going to lose and someone is going to win. The other team's goalie let 2 goals in. Is that her fault? No".
But man, no matter what I said, it didn't seem to work. And then I said, "Honey, every child cannot be the best at every role. Look at professional soccer. The best goal scorer is probably not the best in net. And the goalie probably can't score a goal. You are the best defense person on that team. Be proud of what you do well and enjoy it when you get a chance to try out other roles, but don't be sad just because you can't be the best at all of them. Even professionals can't do that. Just have fun when you are on the field, and allow yourself to enjoy which part of the game you like the most, what part you do the best in, and what part you don't enjoy."
Bingo. A smile. "I love you Mommy. You are the best."
Mommy-1. Soccer meltdown- 0. :)
I knew from the moment the game ended that this was not going to be pretty. I thought she was going to cry. And then I saw her run towards me, tears streaming down her face. "Mommy- I made my team lose!"
I reassured her that it wasn't her fault. She played her best, and that is all we can do. We can't do better than our best. "But mommy- If someone else was the goalie, we wouldn't have lost! I think they all hate me!".
"Firstly baby. They don't hate you. Secondly, how do you know you would have won? How do you know that the people scoring the goals weren't the ones that were good goal scorers? How do you know?"
She paused. "No. It's my fault".
"Ok...is there anything we could have done differently? No. Could we do better than our best? No. At the end of the day, someone is going to lose and someone is going to win. The other team's goalie let 2 goals in. Is that her fault? No".
But man, no matter what I said, it didn't seem to work. And then I said, "Honey, every child cannot be the best at every role. Look at professional soccer. The best goal scorer is probably not the best in net. And the goalie probably can't score a goal. You are the best defense person on that team. Be proud of what you do well and enjoy it when you get a chance to try out other roles, but don't be sad just because you can't be the best at all of them. Even professionals can't do that. Just have fun when you are on the field, and allow yourself to enjoy which part of the game you like the most, what part you do the best in, and what part you don't enjoy."
Bingo. A smile. "I love you Mommy. You are the best."
Mommy-1. Soccer meltdown- 0. :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Graduation at Ontario Place
I witnessed something so beautiful I had to blog it. But before I get there, let me describe the daily joys of raising a child with ADHD. My son had his graduation school trip today to Ontario Place. I got up early, packed his lunch, and got him ready for his long awaited trip. Now, my son has a tendency to forget things. I don't know if it's him, or if it's the ADHD, but this is a normal part of our routine. As a result, my son has 3 lunch bags. (He often forgets the bag at school, so I have backups). So after I go through the loving routine of packing his lunch, and dropping him to school, I come home only to find the lunch bag on the floor by the door. I wasn't sure if he grabbed an empty lunch box or if he just forgot it. Either way, it wasn't the first time. I rushed to the school, just as the school buses pulled in, and gave the lunch box to the office secretary who promised to make sure he would get it before getting on the bus.
At the end of the day, I went to pick up my son. He gets into the car and says "I didn't know you brought my lunch box...they just gave it to me now". SERIOUSLY???? My main thoughts are 'Oh my God! my baby spent the day hungry'. I also felt angry because I dropped off the lunch box before the buses left and he still didn't get it on time.
So I asked him "What did you eat all day?" And then he reminded me about the $10. Here is the sweet part - As I dropped him to school, I searched in my bag for $10 so he could have some spending money. I told him to buy ice cream or a treat. But I only had $20 bills (damned bank machines!). So, I gave him a $20 bill and asked him to promise to bring home $10, and reminded him that I was trusting him. (It's not about the money. I don't believe in children spending money thoughtlessly- that's how they get spoiled).
Anyhow, when I asked what he ate- he said "Ice cream and popcorn, because that's what you said I could spend the money on". "Sweetie, you had $20. When you realized you forgot your lunch, you could have spent the rest on pizza or something. You know I wouldn't have wanted you to be hungry". "No mommy. You said a treat like ice cream or a treat at the gift shop, and not to spend more than $10. I also wanted to buy a present for my sister, and I promised to only spend $10, so I didn't know if I had enough for pizza too. It's OK, I wasn't hungry. I had a big breakfast".
Awwww :(
What's worse?
At the end of the day, I went to pick up my son. He gets into the car and says "I didn't know you brought my lunch box...they just gave it to me now". SERIOUSLY???? My main thoughts are 'Oh my God! my baby spent the day hungry'. I also felt angry because I dropped off the lunch box before the buses left and he still didn't get it on time.
So I asked him "What did you eat all day?" And then he reminded me about the $10. Here is the sweet part - As I dropped him to school, I searched in my bag for $10 so he could have some spending money. I told him to buy ice cream or a treat. But I only had $20 bills (damned bank machines!). So, I gave him a $20 bill and asked him to promise to bring home $10, and reminded him that I was trusting him. (It's not about the money. I don't believe in children spending money thoughtlessly- that's how they get spoiled).
Anyhow, when I asked what he ate- he said "Ice cream and popcorn, because that's what you said I could spend the money on". "Sweetie, you had $20. When you realized you forgot your lunch, you could have spent the rest on pizza or something. You know I wouldn't have wanted you to be hungry". "No mommy. You said a treat like ice cream or a treat at the gift shop, and not to spend more than $10. I also wanted to buy a present for my sister, and I promised to only spend $10, so I didn't know if I had enough for pizza too. It's OK, I wasn't hungry. I had a big breakfast".
Awwww :(
What's worse?
- That the secretary failed to give him the lunch?
- That I gave him too strict a rule around the $10, and that he went hungry in the process of trying to respect my rules?
- That he was so sweet he gave up a slice of pizza to buy a present for his sister, making me feel oh-so-guilty?
I was teary eyed when he told me. Then he handed me two fives and a loonie. I asked him what the loonie was for, and he said it was the change, and that he wanted to be responsible and show me that I could trust him with money.
I don't know if I actually taught him a good lesson, or if I'm just a shmuck. Then again, maybe it was me who learned the lesson. My heart melted today. Every now and then, this child surprises me. There are moments where he drives me nuts, and other moments, like the one today, where I look at him and see a child full of promise for the future, ADHD or no ADHD.
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