Sending Elderly to a Nursing Home

My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Old age is catching up to him. He is 97 years old, and has lived a very full life. He is generally in good health. He has all his senses, he comprehends everything, and his bodily functions are all there. He was first taken to the hospital a few weeks back because of severe stomach cramps. Turns out, he has some kidney problems. His kidneys function fine, but he needs a catheter to get the urine out. He has blood clots in his body that put him at risk of a stroke. We have been told that he cannot go home, as it will increase his risks. We have been told to put him in a long term care facility. To the average person, this sounds like no big deal. For a Pakistani man, this is unheard of.

My dad is having a tough time coming to terms with this. Culturally speaking, Pakistanis follow an extended family care system. Mothers stay home to raise children, or they depend on extended family to help if they need to work full time. Parents live with their children and are cared for by them when they get older. That is the deal. Sending parents to a home is a slap in the face. It is like saying "You are too much trouble for us to care for you". It means you aren't wanted anymore. It means you are a burden.

So when the hospital tells my dad that taking his father home is out of the question due to stroke risks, he is in a real predicament. How does he help the transition to a nursing home for a man who doesn't believe in nursing homes? All my life I heard my grandfather talk about the cultural differences between the east and the west. The one he always brought up was the west's inability to repay their parents for raising them, by caring for them in their old age. And I find it ironic that of all the people in the world to have to go to a home, it ends up being my grandfather, the one person who hated this concept more than anyone else in the world.

My dad told him what the doctors said. He does not seem happy. I told my dad he should have been smarter about it. Maybe he should have told my grandfather that he was going to a rehab center to get better. It's all in the positioning.

And then there is another issue. Because there has not been a large demand for nursing homes by the south Asian community, there are very few that have south Asian residents. So that means food that grandpa won't eat (pot roast? Are you kidding me? Where is the curry chicken?). It also means no halal meat, which is a deal breaker for him.

So my dad has to find a home that allows us to bring our own food on a daily basis. Not an easy task at all.

I suspect that as more people face the issue of aging parents who need extended care, we will have more options available to us. In the meantime, our family continues the search.

It's been a long time since my last post...

Life has been crazy busy.

• My back is a mess after the car accident...doctor says that there will be some residual damage that we can't fix. That was really depressing news.
• Ramadan started just over a week ago. The days are long, and so are the fasts. While I love the holy month, I find it a bit tougher this year.
  
• My grandfather is in the hospital...he's been there for weeks. Old age is catching up to him.
  
• Kids go back to school next week, so this week is a bit hairy.

I'll blog more regularly moving forward...

My Car is Cursed

For sure. I had a car accident yesterday. Again, this was a "not at fault" accident, meaning the other guy was charged. But still. I think I'm getting superstitious. I mean, I'm a good driver and ever since I've had this car, I have not been lucky on the road. It feels like every speed demon in the world is targeting my car.

On a not-so- complaining note, I do have to be grateful that the kids were not in the car at the time. That my friends, is the silver lining.

Here is what happened.

I was driving to work, had just dropped the kids off. It was just after 9am. I got to the intersection and slowed down to stop at an amber light. It was a red light intersection and I did not want to start the day off with a ticket. So I slowed down and stopped before it turned red. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the car behind me coming straight at me, in full speed. I watched in horror is he plowed into my car. He my car flew into the intersection. Fortunately, the oncoming traffic hadn't started yet, so I quickly reversed my car back, and he got out of his car. He was very apologetic. He said he thought I would try to go through the amber light, and so he thought he would do the same, and that he didn't think I would try to stop. I explained that it is a red light intersection and therefore a bad idea to run the light.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he got charged, and I got injured. I mean, he was going 80km/hr full speed and didn't slow down. My bumper/trunk is all smashed up and I have a rental. My back is brutal (I have a bad back to begin with), and I am in excruciating pain. Pain killers and anti-infammatories are my best friend at the moment. I didn't go to the office yesterday or today, and I don't have any intentions of going in tomorrow.

I hope they write off the car. Maybe a new one will bring me better luck. This one seems to be a magnet for road rage drivers.

To add insult to injury, I'm wondering if by hitting my car and sending it into the intersection, will that red light camera now send me a ticket? I was stopped until he smashed me and pushed me into the intersection. Wouldn't that be a joke?

A Gift From a Friend

My friend Syd loved gardening. He loved flowers. He was one of those guys that wasn't shy about it either. I remember when I first moved into my home, I told him that the lady had just planted a rose bush, but that it only gave about 4 roses. He told me how to trim the rosebush. He explained that roses can be tough. But I never bothered doing it. I tried in year one and didn't like the prickly thorns. He laughed and explained that I needed leather gloves. I complained that it wasn't worth it. The next 2 years that followed, I got someone else to trim the rosebush. I got 7 roses each year.

This year, I decided to go out and buy leather gloves and give it a go myself. I trimmed them exactly as he explained. To my shock, about 3 or 4 weeks later, I got bunches and bunches of roses. It was like a gift from my friend.

Every time I came home and saw the roses this summer, I had to smile. They reminded me of him. He always said "All you need to do is give them a little patience, and a little love. Roses are tough, but not impossible".

From now on, I do my own rosebushes. Thank you, my friend.

Maybe a New Monday Tradition?

Last week on Monday, I decided to do something different for the summer. I decided that once a week, when I go to pick up the children from daycare in the summer, I would pick up some food, and head to a park for a picnic. Monday last week was our first outing. I picked up the kids, picked up some drive thru, and we went to the lakeshore. I had a blanket in the trunk, we spread it out over the sand and ate dinner right by the water. After dinner, I sat and watched the children skip stones in the lake. I realized that this is what summer is about.

I managed to snap this pic and just had to post it. What a beautiful evening. I intend to stick to the plan and do this at least once a week. No matter how stressful life can be, there is no feeling better than kicking off the heels, taking off the pantyhose, throwing on a pair of flipflops and sitting by the water with your children after a long day.

Now THAT was priceless.

Happy Canada Day 2009!

Hope everyone had a great day...

I wanted so badly to take my children to see the fireworks at the city hall. I got there, got a parking spot, and waited 20 mins. Then the kids started falling asleep, and getting cranky, saying they were tired and wanted to go home.

So I ended up getting in the car, turning around and coming home before they even started.

Sigh.

Next Canada Day, I'm sending them to their dad's so I can go and watch the fireworks myself.

Boxing and Bellydancing

I know...freaky huh? So my level 2 belly dancing classes start on July 8th. I am totally looking forward to them. Nothing makes you feel prettier or sexier than a few of those lessons. Even if you don't know what you're doing.

In the meantime, to keep myself busy, I decided to try out 5 boxing lessons. Not kickboxing, not cardio-boxing. I'm talking one-on-one boxing lessons with a personal trainer. Gloves, pulling punches, and getting all my frustrations out.

I have to say, it's been a blast.

I must be the first ever gal to take the two together in the same time frame.

It's my schizophrenic side taking over :)

I had to Share this...

I don't know why I liked it so much. I just did...maybe it's because in our own way, we all can relate to it...and then again, it's inspiring as well...

The Fat Mirror

I had a really funny episode in belly dancing class today. I came in a few minutes late, and so I had to stand in a different part of the room than usual. Watching myself dance in the mirror, I kept thinking "wow, I am gaining weight". Then, when it was time to dance in a circle, I kept looking at my reflection. As I moved to the other side of the room, my reflection looked better. And then I danced my way back to the original side, and it looked bad again. I realized that the reflections were different. Here is where we get a typical Shaz moment...

I stop dancing. I point at the mirror. I shout out- "Hey, that is an EVIL FAT mirror! the reflection is different!" The music stops. The teacher looks at me. I explain that the mirror is giving a fat image. All the girls are laughing. They move to the mirror and back to the other mirror. They agree. The instructor is looking at me like I'm nuts.

Sorry, but I am a hyper self-conscious person. The last thing I need is to be standing in front of the fat mirror as I belly dance. I take a skinny girl and tell her to stand in front of the fat mirror while I take her spot. All the while, the instructor is speechless, and the girls are in stitches laughing.

It turned out funny. God I love my belly dancing class. The fun never ends. It's the one time where I can be myself, laugh at myself, and feel sexy, at least for one hour.

Even if there is a fat mirror in the room...

Working with the Ex

I have to say, things feel like they have calmed down since the court case ended. Maybe it's because neither of us is working to build a case against the other. Maybe it's because we are both tired of all the fighting. Or maybe, it's the calm before yet another storm. Either way, it's a good thing for now and I'm not going to worry about it or over-think it beyond that.

Today I got a call from my son's school. It turns out he left his lunchbox on the kitchen counter. The school called me at 10:30am, saying that he didn't have a lunch. I was downtown, at work, an hour and a half away. So I called my ex. He packed a new lunch and took it to my son. No complaints. It felt good to work together.

Two weeks ago, my son was sick. The school called me at work. I called my ex. He went and picked up our son and took him home, and put him to bed. That was good also. The kids are both saying that their dad has been really great lately. My ex is giving me proof of attendance at a psychiatrist. Either way, I am grateful that he is doing better, that we are being more civil, and that the kids are doing better.

I don't know how long it will last, but I will just thank the universe for what I have been given, for as long as it lasts.

Loving the Bellydancing Classes

Today was my 10th class. I am having the best time ever. Just remember....I am the girl with NO rhythm. I can't move my body if you paid me to. For me to take a class like this is totally insane...yet at the same time, I am learning. It's taking awhile, but I am definitely learning, and having so much fun.

I've decided to sign up for level 2. My instructor says most people usually need to take level 1 twice before moving to the next level, but she told me to go ahead and move to level 2. I am so excited. So basically, this will take me right to the end of August. What fun!

You know, if you have low self confidence, there is nothing that can make you feel more attractive than an exotic dance class. It helps that it's all girls (no fear of judgment), and that the windows are blocked off so people can't watch the class from the outside. That way, nobody can watch you make a fool of yourself.

I don't know that I would ever be confident enough to belly dance in front of anyone other than my class mates (like even my girlfriends), but at least I have one place where I can have fun without being self conscious.

I wish I had a belly dancing class every night...

Mom, do you love me?

My daughter just passed me a note. It said "mom do you love me?" I said "yes honey, I love you very much". She smiled and passed me the other note from behind her back. It said "I love you too".

I smiled. And I said, you already knew my answer, but you still asked the question? To which she replied, "I know you love me. I love you too. I just like to hear it again".

I am blessed. Such a small moment but such a warm feeling.

Divorce Notes from the Oprah Winfrey Show

I watched an old PVR'd episode of Oprah the other day. Some interesting points about children and divorce:

• When you put down the other parent, you psychologically mess up your children because they feel disloyal to one parent for loving the other
• When children aren't allowed to heal in therapy, girls become clinically depressed and little boys become enraged and grow up angry
• We need to acknowledge that the kids are hurting and that it's very sad
• Kids of divorced homes are feeling the impact even when you don't think they are feeling it
• Children feel like the divorce is their fault. When there is arguing amongst parents after a divorce, it's usually over the kids, so the children are led to believe the hostility is all their fault
• Never criticize the other parent because when you do, you are criticizing your child's DNA- the only exception is when the other parent has either abandoned them or is harming them. Then you have to tell them that it is wrong for a parent to emotionally abandon or physically abuse them. It is OK to tell them that sometimes people have problems in their minds and it limits some parents from giving kids the love they deserve. Reassure them that they are huggable enough and they are terrific, and they deserve to have two parents, but that right now, they have one really loving one and they will always have that.
  
• Help the children write about how they feel and get it out and read the letter/journal entry as this will be therapeutic for them
• When there is a lot of fighting between the parents, children don't express their feelings because they don't want to add to the fighting, and this builds up over time and turns into rage
• The best thing you can do for your children is to tell them that you would like them to come to you with their problems, but if they cannot, identify two adults that they can go to that are empowered to make decisions to help them if anything major ever came up and these people are instructed to maintain their confidence (like substitute parents).
  

3 rules to follow when telling your children that you are getting a divorce:

1. Tell them together as a family about the divorce. This will be one of the moments they remember for the rest of their life, so make it as comforting as possible
2. You have about 45 seconds before a child's mind starts racing. Things to tell them:
• Mom and dad made each other very sad, we feel it is best for the family that we spend time apart
• You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us
• This is absolutely not your fault, you did nothing to cause this
3. Practice what you will say, and then when you say it, sit back and listen to what they have to say, hold them, hug them, allow them to ask questions and allow them to tell you how their mind is racing and what they are thinking. Children will want to know why the divorce happened. You need to give them general things that they can learn- we said nasty things to each other, we didn't treat each other as nice as we should have etc.

This made me feel kind of sad. It's like we did everything wrong in this divorce. I could use the easy excuse and say that one parent was mentally unstable, but I would rather reflect and ask myself what I could have done better. I definitely could have broken the news to them better. I also could have criticized my ex less. I did that in the context of whenever he hurt the kids though, so it's a tough balance...

Sole Custody

It's finally over. And I am so bloody exhausted. I could sleep for a year.

After 5 hrs to arguing, he consented to an order. He consented to the following:

• I have sole custody of the children
• He has access/visits with the children pending his attendance with a psychiatrist at a schedule set by the psychiatrist
• If he doesn't go to the psychiatrist all his visits will be supervised by someone that we both agree to
  
• I have the right to travel without his consent and to get passports/documents made for the children without his consent
• I can move to NYC if I wish to do so.

I always thought that when/if this moment came I would be absolutely elated. Right now, I'm just downright exhausted.

I'm sure the joy will kick in later.

A big thank you to all my friends for your love and support. I don't think I would be standing if you weren't here by my side. I love you guys :)

Tomorrow is Court

And it's weird. Tomorrow is such a significant point in time, that it's really overwhelming. See:

• If he signs a consent, it means this is all over. It also means that if he consents to things willingly, there is SOME small sliver of a hope for some sort of a working relationship in the future. If he puts up a big fight and we go to trial, there will NEVER be hope for that. I mean, the writing is on the wall. A professional has told him he has "severe mental health issues". He has been told that his abusiveness is out in the open...abuse towards me and the children. And the assessor told his lawyer that he doesn't trust him alone with the children for long periods of time. If this goes to a full out trial, I WILL win, I know it, but it will just take more time, money, and hostility.
• Part of me hopes that if he signs a consent willingly and accepts that he needs help, and goes to therapy, maybe there is a small chance that he can turn his life around and be a good father. I know it's a long shot, but that is the best outcome for everyone. For him, for the children, and for me. (I mean, geez- at a minimum, maybe he would be able to hold down a job and start paying child support!) But more seriously, I believe that if he wasn't mentally ill, he might have been a good man. And he's been horrible to me and the kids, but I attribute that to his mental illness...I know it's a long shot, but I believe there is a God, and so I have to believe that there is some form of mercy out there too.

It's weird. Tomorrow marks either the POTENTIAL reduction in hostility, or it represents an increase in hostility. I am hoping for the former. But from now on, I plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Keep your fingers crossed boys and girls....

Happy Mother's Day 2009

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, especially the single moms...

When you are on your own, mothers day is what you make of it. Meaning, when you have a partner in your life, they make Mother's Day special. They take the kids out, buy you something, help them make breakfast for you, and pamper you. When you are on your own, it is up to you to do something special for Mother's Day, or nothing happens.

So today, I took the kids to buy flowers and chocolates for my mom. Then we took flowers to my sis in law, who is also a new mom. We had dinner at her place and came home. One day, hopefully my kids will learn from my example and remember to give me a break on Mother's Day.

Last year, Mr. NYC was involved in Mother's Day and he was sweet. This year, things are different, and so, Mother's Day had a slightly different focus. It didn't help that today is the day before court...because my mind is elsewhere.

Either way, maybe it's fitting that it's Mother's Day the day before my court date. It gives me a reminder of what I am fighting for. The past few days have not been good ones for me, but one thing that I do know is that I'm glad to have the children in my life.

Step Out of Your Past

I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show and she says that the greatest courage of all is to be able to step out of your past, out of your history and to find the ability to move forward.

My question is, how do you move forward and step out of your past when your past hasn't had closure yet? It's been 5 years, and there has still not been closure. And what if closure never comes, does that mean you never get to move forward?

I'm hoping Monday will bring closure. It's time to move forward.

5 Days to Pre-Trial

And I feel like I am emotionally unraveling. And I don't understand why. I've been to court a million times. I know how my ex can be. I kind of know what to expect. I just don't know why I can't seem to keep it together.

I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I can't keep my composure. Not at home, not at work, not driving in my car. I just don't understand it.

Fortunately, I spoke to my boss today. I told him I am fine working, just very unusually emotional. He recommended I work from home for a couple of days so that I can give myself a bit of head space. Truthfully, I think that is the best thing for me. To stay away from anyone and everyone until I can sort myself out. For now, I feel like a stranger to everyone. Like nobody understands me anymore. Like I stand alone.

I haven't slept in days. I had one good day- Sat afternoon with friends. It took my mind off things, but only temporarily.

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth it. We go through so much, and what if this is all a big joke in the end? What if all this effort is for nothing? What if things never get better?

I'm chunking off my goals. Today's goal was to get to the end of the day. It's 10pm. Mission accomplished.

I just need to make it through each day, one day at a time.

8 Days to Pre-Trial

Our last Pre-trial date is May 11th. If we can settle matters between us before then, we avoid a full out trial and probably about $20k each. I have been trying patiently to get my ex to see that it doesn't make sense to go to trial. He has NO CHANCE of winning. In fact, chances are he will end up with alot less than what I have offered him. But see, a good friend pointed out recently that half the issue is that whenever we come to some agreements, he raises totally new matters and we end up having to deal with those.

Today I met my ex for an hour. We wanted to see if we could come to some agreements. We managed to agree on some basic matters, but had a few showstoppers. Sigh. I told him to think about things. Really and truly, if he makes this diffilcult and we go to trial, I will NEVER try to work with him on anything ever again. If he works with me this time through, there just might be a sliver of hope that the working relationship won't be between us hellish forever.

Why do I keep hoping when history has taught me not to? Because I am human. Because without hope, the only other avenue turns into despair. And so, I would rather keep hoping.

It doesn't mean I won't be smart about things, but it does mean that I'm just trusting that there has been enough darkness and that" light" has to be around the corner. It just has to. Otherwise, why even bother?

I've been teetering between that hope/despair place for 3 weeks now on several matters. It's not a good seat to be in. Not at all. And lately, in my head, "hope" has been losing. I'm tired, worn out, financially broke, and emotionally fed up.

This is my last time giving "hope" a chance. I believe there is a God. And I believe he is fair. So somewhere up there, he must know that I have had enough. With everything. Enough with the ongoing tests of faith. Enough with the tough times. Enough with the brick walls. There has to be some balance. And so I throw in a prayer and give "hope" a last chance.

So here is to hoping. Let's see where this road takes me. I dread the thought of who and what I will become if I hit yet another brick wall.

Catching up with Friends

I got an opportunity to spend time with some old friends today. It was nice. Nice to get a break. Nice to forget some recent stressors, even if just for a couple of hours.

There are a few things on my mind these days, most of which I don't really care to get into. One of these things is the upcoming court date on May 11th. My ex is giving me a hard time (again). I'm really disappointed this time, as I hoped that things would finally be winding down, but it looks like I was wrong. I may have to fully prepare for a lifetime of permanent crap where he is concerned....sigh. It looks like we may go to trial after all. What a total complete waste.

On another note, I watched this video today. Disturbing, but a good reminder of the fact that I am better off today than I ever was before, no matter what challenges come my way. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, he doesn't pay child support. Yes, he makes life miserable. But I am still free, I am safe, and my life is still very much my own. As stressful as things have been, I need to keep this top of mind.