Time Flies.

I start my new job tomorrow.  I can't believe it's been almost 4 weeks already.  I don't even know where the time went.

This was the first time in my life that I ever just blew with the wind.  I mean, I went to the gym, I cleaned up, I rested, watched TV, hung out with some friends....I could SO get used to this life.  I did not keep a calendar, I did not answer to anyone, and I really just enjoyed myself.  It was good.  And I learned to let go of a few toxic things along the way.  Some were related to my personal life, some were related to friends, and some were just related to me being too hard on myself.  It was all good.  I feel happy.

Well, I'm excited about starting another new chapter in my life.  Very excited.  Wish me luck...

Baby Wipes

Conversations like the one I had with my son this morning remind me of how messed up things can sometimes be.

I was driving my son to school, and as I turned the corner, I watched my son rustle through his backpack.  And then a little blue package caught my eye.  I asked him what it was and he tried to brush me off.  I asked if I could see it and he pulled out a little mini packet of baby wipes.  Weird.  I asked where he got it and he said he found it in a diaper bag at his dad's house.  So my next questions were what is your dad doing with a diaper bag, and why do you have an empty packet of baby wipes in your backpack?

His answer?  Get out the tissue box my friends....

He found it in our old diaper bag that was amongst some of his dad's old things.  He kept the old baby wipe packet in his backpack, because it reminded him of the times when his dad and I were together.  It made him think about times where all of us must have gone out together as a family, and done happy things together.  A time when he had a real family.  He said they must have been really happy times.

And in the hope of keeping and old and distant memory, my son keeps an empty packet of diaper wipes tucked secretly away in a hidden compartment of his backpack.

How sad is that?  And just imagine- I thought the kids were OK, and that they were doing well.  When really, it sounds more like they need serious therapy.

Sighhhh.  How do you know when you are doing enough as a single mom?  And how do you bridge the sadness for these children?  

My heart feels so heavy today...now I feel like I'm the one who needs the therapy.

The Good Looking Officer

I had to go to traffic court a few days ago. Recall my accident almost a year ago....the guy who was charged was fighting the ticket and I got summoned to come to court as a witness. What a total waste of time, but I guess they have to do it. If I didn't show, there would be nobody to tell the other side and they would have to drop the charges. So I went to court. I debated not going at all. I mean the guy was nice, he didn't mean to ram into me, and he was nice about making sure I was OK. So why should I care if he doesn't get charged?

Well, apparently when you are summoned to appear in court, you kind of have to go. So I went.

When I got there, I recognized the guy who hit me. He waved and came over to chat. Like I said, nice enough guy. As we were talking, this really really good looking police officer walks by. He waves to the cop and says hello. I say "Damn, he is good looking....you know him?" His response, "Yes I do, and so do you. He is the officer that came to our accident scene and he is the one that gave me the ticket. And by the way, you said the exact same thing when the accident happened".

I DID?? (Man I'm getting old. I don't remember that!)

The guy goes on to say "Yes, you did....you got out of your car, complained about your back pain, took one look at the officer and said 'damn, he's good looking'.

I'm so embarrassed. Firstly, how wrong is it to make a comment like that? Secondly, how wrong is it to do it twice??? I feel like I'm one big walking hormone. Like in high school. Sheesh.

Mental note. Don't look at the cops. Especially not the good looking ones. And if you do, keep your comments in your head. Inside voice Shaz, inside voice.

Remember when you were a child?

I've been able to spend more time with my children lately. It's been really nice. And I've been able to pay more attention to the things that I haven't been able to pay attention to before....perhaps because my mind was so occupied. I've been able to chat more with the children, listen to the things on their mind, and all of it has also taken me down memory lane.

Take for example the other night. I was watching TV and went upstairs to go to bed. I saw a little light coming out from under the covers in my son's room. My first reaction- anger. If this child is playing video games under that blanket at 11pm, I'm going to tear a strip off him. So I walk in his room and ask what he is doing. He responds with "I'm sorry mama. Please don't be mad". And he pulls out a flashlight. And a book. My son was reading a book! Let me clarify- MY SON with ADHD who hates reading was reading at 11pm under the covers. He couldn't put down the Gordon Korman book I got him from the library. So I remind myself that this is a teachable moment. React nicely. I smile and say "No honey. I'm not mad, I did that when I was little too. I'm glad you like the book, and I don't mind you reading under the covers, but can you do this on weekends? If you don't go to bed on time, you're going to be late for school tomorrow." He beamed. "I love you mama". I respond with "I love you too. Hey that must be some good book, huh?"....

The funny thing is, I did the exact same thing when I was little. I would love reading under the covers with a flashlight. It actually made me happy he was doing it. (And even more happy it wasn't a video game)...

Today, I had another flashback to childhood. I was coming home from the gym and decided to drive by the children's school. I had no specific reason, I just thought it would be neat to see if they were outside. And they were. I parked my car and watched the children play. I couldn't spot my children, but what I saw was pure joy. Children laughing, running, playing, being carefree. It was beautiful, and it reminded me of our recess breaks in school. Exchanging stickers, playing with Barbie dolls, and playing tag. And here they were. It sure was fun being a kid.

I wanted to run in and play too. I wanted to let go of all my adult worries for just 10 minutes and play tag with the children. I wanted to forget the bills, the new job, the old job, counting calories, going to the gym. I just wanted to play.

I'm glad they are children. I'm glad they are happy. But most of all, I love these rare moments where I can reminisce and live vicariously through them.

Puberty Education

My little baby is growing up. And I hate it.

I know I shouldn't. But it makes me kind of sad. Not want-another-baby sad, but just kind of sad. And a bit fearful. After all, the hardest, dreaded teenage years are yet to come.

My son brought a note home from school yesterday. It is a note advising me that the class will be separated between girls and boys for a few days next week so they can do "puberty education". Basically, this is not sex education, just giving them information about puberty, and the changes that their bodies will go through.

Sigh. Already? Really? I mean, I can still remember breastfeeding my son. I can remember carrying around diaper bags and pushing strollers. I was not expecting this so soon...

I asked him if he will share his "learnings" with me. He gave me a sheepish smile and said "Yes mama. But won't it be embarrassing for you to hear all this?" UM. NO. Trust me, I already know everything they are going to tell you. I just want to know how much of it you will learn.

I asked him if he got any examples of what they will teach. Yes, he says. They will tell you about the body parts that grow hair, using deodorant, etc.

I want to know what the "etc" is. Sigh. I guess it's time to buckle up. The roller-coaster ride is going to begin soon.

Have I ever mentioned my fear of roller-coasters? Or the fact that the queasy stomach feeling makes me want to throw up?

Judging the Gym Instructor

Guilty as charged. Here is what happened.

I went to the gym yesterday for a kick boxing class. I sat on the floor, holding my spot, waiting for the instructor to arrive. In comes the instructor, a very heavy woman, who looked twice my size (no word of a lie). My jaw dropped. I've never seen an instructor who looked so unfit, and this lady was going to teach ME how to get my abs in shape? She was twice my size (for real)! No way. My mind raced thoughts- should I leave and do my own workout? Drive to the other gym and make it for their class? Or stick it out? I decided to stick it out.

10 minutes into the class, I felt like Simon Cowell when Susan Boyle started to sing. This woman was really kicking it. I mean REALLY. I could not keep up with her. And to my shame, halfway through the class, as I was huffing and puffing, she came up to me, gently touched my shoulder and said "Honey, this is your first class ...do you want me to show you how to do the beginner moves, it might help?"

No way. I go to the gym 3 times a week (OK, sometimes 2). I have been taking kick boxing for 6 months. But still. Here I was JUDGING this woman, and I couldn't even keep up with her.

I will never judge a book by it's cover again.

So today...I went to the gym again, and to my surprise, there she was, ready to teach this class as well. This time I smiled at her and said "See...I'm still alive....ready for another round". Her response "Good girl...we will get you to where you need to be".

And this time, I didn't doubt her one bit. I'm actually going to scope out her classes and try to attend. They were HARD. And she was rockin awesome.

Clearing the Closet

My name is Shaz, and I am a shoe-aholic.

On second thought, let's make that a shop-aholic. I think I need help.

As part of my personal goal for some downtime before starting my new job, I decided to re-organize things, starting with all the closets/drawers/cupboards in my home.

I did the kitchen and main floor yesterday. This morning, I woke up and decided to start with my room. More specifically, my closet. What a disaster.

I found things that were so old, I don't even know where they came from. For example, there was the pair of shoes I bought when I was married. If my calculations are correct, they are about 15 years old. Still as fabulous as ever, very expensive, but worn only 3 times. What a waste. I decided to add them to the donation pile.

Then there were a few that I decided to finally give up and throw out.

The kicker was the 7 pairs of shoes I found that are totally fabulous, but have never been worn. Not even once. The icing on the cake was the very sexy pair of red strappy sequined sandals, that I cannot even remember buying. They are totally fantastic, and I intend to make use of them this summer. But for the life of me, I do not remember when or where I bought these beauties. Either I have serious memory issues, or I just have too much stuff. Maybe it's a bit of both.

Anyhow, today truly was a "shop in your closet" day. I have given myself 6 months to make use of my new finds, or they are out the door. Let's see how I do.

I can say one thing...with things re-organized, it definitely did wonders for my mental state. With all that clutter and baggage out of the way, I'm feeling really great.

And finding those new strappy red sandals didn't hurt either. I actually did a glee dance when I found them. Happy day!

Pink Laptop

Last week, I bought myself a Pink Sony VAIO. I've heard mixed reviews about the Sony, but so far, I think it's great. And its PINK. Yaay!

It's funny- for the longest time, well, for as long as I can remember, I've had this "pink" obsession...anything and everything pink makes me smile. At work, I had my friend swing me a cute little pink blackberry. Non company standard, but loads of fun! :)

Yesterday, I sat here in my family room, windows open, drinking diet Pepsi and typing on my new pink laptop.

Life is good :)

You just know...

Oprah interviewed Simon Cowell from American Idol on her show today. Her question to him was "Why are you leaving the show"? His answer was "Because you just know when it's time to go".

I can relate. The timing for these things is never perfect, but it is what it is, and you just know when it's time.

Words to live by...

This week, I resigned from my job. After 18 years of being with the same company, a company that I worked for since I was 20 years old, in my undergraduate years. It was a scary thing to do, but for so many reasons, it was time.

Onwards to the next phase in my career...Fingers crossed, ready for the ride.

A Sick Action

I missed my ex's telephone call tonight (my ex is entitled to a nightly phone call with the children). It wasn't on purpose or anything. I think I was on the phone when he called, dialing out perhaps and his call went right into voicemail. He called again at 9:15 and by that time, the children were already asleep. I apologized when he called. His response- he went to the police station at 10pm tonight and insisted that I WAKE UP the children so that he could speak to them. This is seriously ill judgment and in no way does it indicate any amount of love or care for the well being of the children. It was purely a control tactic and seriously concerning. In what way is waking up the children from a deep sleep in the middle of the night to say hello good for their well being? And what normal rational mentally well parent would do such a cruel thing to his own children?

I am so fed up of all this bullshit. Just when I think God is finally giving me a chance to breathe, I get this bullshit. It's seriously screwed up.

This is a man who has not respected the court order himself. He has called at his leisure, sometimes at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm, 7pm, 8pm, and 9pm. Not once have I stopped him from speaking to the children. Not once have I given him a hard time. I have always wanted to be the better parent, the one who did not put the children in the middle. But this is absolutely enough. My ex is just a hostile person, and I am becoming concerned again about the children's safety when they are under his care.

I am happy to respect the court order, but he needs to accept the same. On the one hand, he requests lenience from me, and on the other, he is rigid and down right selfish when it comes to the children. This is totally unacceptable.

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I seriously think I need to get the hell out of Toronto. And get the kids to a safer place where they can live a more stable life. I have never felt so completely isolated in my entire life.

Where Did the Neat Freak Go?

So I got a few things done this weekend. And I actually feel a sense of accomplishment.

I know that I am mentally sorting life out when I clean up the piles of well, the piles of stuff that builds up in my home. See, while I am a germ freak, (you will find my home always sanitized), I have to admit that I am not always the tidiest person in the world. I like to tell myself (and others) that I am a neat freak, but having observed myself for the past few years, I have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a neat freak (although sometimes, where I have to start the cleanup task, I really wish I were).

Funny. When I was married, I was a total neat freak. I would stay up until 4am cleaning the place. I would stress out when things were out of order. Maybe that was because so much in my life was in disarray, that I had to maintain some order in some area of my life. I also had an ulcer, and ultimately a stress attack which led me to the decision to file for divorce.

Now, my home is happier, more content than ever (thank you GOD!) but it can actually get rather untidy at times. By this, I mean that for example, you will see things like a pile of my children's books sitting on the sofa on top of the big blanket they lie under when they are reading. In the kitchen, you will find dishes in the sink, left from the afternoon snacks/nutella/bowls of cereal the kids ate when hungry. In the hallway, you will find shoes, coats, knapsacks sometimes put neatly to the side, and sometimes left where they took them off. Kids. Sigh.

In the bedrooms, there are stuffed toys, laundry to be put away, clothes that need to be washed...

But it's OK. I can come to terms with it. Because ultimately, in this home, for the first time in my life, I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel like I can let my guard down, and most of all, I feel content. And that contentment is also a first for me.

While I am not advocating for an untidy house, I can honestly say that I think part of my contentment comes from having a space where I can let my guard down. It's a space where I can rest, and not stress about what others will think, because I choose who to invite in. I choose (very carefully) who I welcome into my home. Only the non-judgmental people are welcome here. Only my true friends. And it's come to a point that others feel it. I have been told by many people that there is a special warmth that welcomes them when they visit me. And I believe it, because I feel it too.

So, I will take the untidy home any day. There is something to be said about not stressing about things. I wouldn't trade this for the world. So thank you pile of books. Thank you backpacks, thank you dirty dishes. Thank you for helping me let go.

Cutting Myself some Slack

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you work, you can never do enough?

Lately, I've been feeling like anything I do is just not good enough. That's a tough one. It's like when those around you make you feel like you have somehow failed. It's a weird feeling, because my logic tells me I've accomplished alot. I'm a good mother. Maybe I'm not a perfect mother. Maybe my children don't have the best grades, and maybe they don't have the strongest religious faith, but I'm trying. But sometimes, friends who mean well come along and point out all the flaws ("you should really be doing this" or "you need more backbone when disciplining your kids"), and you are left standing there wondering how one human being such as myself could so badly mess things up.

And then a day goes by and logic kicks back in and I realize that I've done not so badly given the limited resources that I have. At the end of the day, regardless of family and friends, I stand alone. And by that, I mean that there is nobody here doing the laundry, the dishes, the homework, the housework, or paying the bills. It's so easy to judge the flaws of another human being when you are on the outside looking in, but really it's very hard to be the person on the inside, especially when you stand alone.

My one ask of the world is that you cut me some slack. I'm only human. And at the end of the day, for the time being, even if it only lasts one month at a time, I see things this way:

• Yes my house could be tidier, but I spend the extra time with my children
• Yes my kids could have better grades, but I have one child with ADHD and another who is just always needy and clingy. So they don't have the best grades, but for now, they do have the unconditional love of a mother who would do just about anything for them, and I'm trying to make them feel intelligent and worthy as human beings. That's all I've got to offer.
  
• Yes my kids have their temperamental days, but they are human, and so am I, and so we can let it slide right?
• Yes I am always on my blackberry. Yes it impacts the kids. But I am a single mom with a deadbeat ex husband who doesn't help much financially and I have to support the family on my own while nobody is here to support me and give me downtime. No it's not right that I am a crack berry addict, but yes it is understandable.
• Yes I could afford to lose a few pounds. But I can only go to the gym 2 days a week- Sat and Sunday. And I do that. It's the best I can do. Stop beating me up for it and telling me that I am not attractive enough, or that I need to lose weight. I own a mirror and yes I do look in it. Fortunately, losing weight is at least do-able (albeit someday). Those of you making these comments need to undergo a personality transplant. As far as I know, personality transplants are not so readily available. So there.
  

I'm learning to be kind to myself. The next step is to teach some of my friends to start doing the same. In the meantime, I'm going to try to focus on the few things that I think I am doing well enough to deserve some praise.

Who needs the approval of others anyways?

AND....She's back.

Call it a sabbatical :)

I needed a break from the world. To think about things. And I've been busy. But overall, I can say that life is busy, but life is generally good.

I'm thankful for the friends who taught me how important friendship is. Thankful for the ones who you don't see often, but have meaningful presences when you do see each other. You know, the ones you can call after months and pick up like time never passed at all. And I'm even thankful for the ones who have taught me that different friends can be trusted with different things. Not everyone is capable of protecting your heart in times of need. Some just don't have the emotional know how to do that. It's not anyone's fault. It's who they are.

But generally, I feel I have some direction. A game plan for life. (Well for now). I'm defining what I need and need to plan out how to get there.

I've also been re-defining my relationships with family. Like friends, not all family members should be treated equally.

Overall, I am well, the kids are good, and I am happy. My ex is still who he is. He still creates problems here and there, but I'm learning to accept that this is who he is, and this is how things will always be. I figure if I stop fighting it, maybe it will bother me less and less?

So far so good :)

Becoming Someone Else

How does one move on from a difficult life experience? By becoming someone else.

When you experience something truly traumatic, something that totally paralyzes you, it is almost impossible to remain who you are and to move on. These types of experiences fundamentally change who you are. They have to. That's the only way to make it through them, to get past them. This realization just hit me recently.

I was debating with a close friend. He had a hard time understanding how someone like me (tough, independent, strong willed) could ever allow a man to treat me the way my ex treated me. I kept explaining that I am different today. He asked when I changed. I thought about it, and realized the answer. I changed the day I left him. I had to. Because the girl who stuck around for 11 years had to be left behind completely for me to be able to start a new life. I had to very deliberately leave her behind, and that is exactly what I did. And I had to promise that I would not let her come back.

So to those that have a hard time understanding how I got though it, you need to first understand that I had to let go of who I was. I had to let go of the wishful, dreamy, overly dedicated, naive and somewhat pathetic girl. I had to develop thick skin. I had to think more about myself and my children. I almost had to become the opposite of who I was.

I basically had to create a new me.

And I'm still creating her. Something tells me I won't ever finish. And I'm really OK with that. I am sort of enjoying the discovery process, enjoying learning about myself. Over the past 5 years, I've learned about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned that I make a lot of mistakes. I screw up sometimes. But I am sincere. I don't try deliberately to hurt those around me. I've learned that I have an incredible ability to forgive. (Even if I haven't quite developed the ability to forget). But that's OK. Overall, I don't mind the person I've become. I kind of like her. I just wish I found her a bit sooner. 11 years was a long time to wait to meet her.

But it's better late than never. And so as I look forward to the future, I wonder what else I will learn about myself, what other strengths I have that I didn't see before.

And I say goodbye to the other girl that I left behind. I thank her for helping me build a foundation, for giving me the opportunity to change, and for not insisting on traveling the remainder of the journey with me.

And I thank God. For the experiences, for the strengths, and for not letting me fall as hard as I could have.

A New Decade With Renewed Hope

I'm looking forward to the new decade. I'm hoping it marks an end to all that I had to clear out of my life in the last decade.

In hindsight, 2009 was not a bad year at all. I finalized my court proceedings. Things were stable at work. I feel like I've reconnected with my kids and stabilized my finances. And because the court case has finally ended, there is now a band-aid on the financial bleeding, which means I can rebuild things financially from this point on. It's hard to rebuild when you're still bleeding.

On the emotional front, my personal life is not as stable as I would want it to be, and I've had some recent things to deal with, but regardless, I am emotionally happier. I would say that I am content. And that's a nice seat to be in.

The new decade represents a few things for me:

1. The hope of emotional stability
2. Financial stability
3. Happiness
4. A decade free of physical pain. Nobody will ever physically hurt me again. Ever.
5. Independence- from culture, family, the never ending expectations of people
6. A new life with my children
7. The knowledge of who my real friends are- it's good to know who is really on your side. I have been given this gift. Every hardship comes with its share of silver lining
   

I think things have been better for me in the past few months than they have been in the past 15 years. I'm hoping that things continue. If they do, 2010 will be the best year yet.

Goodbye to a Grandfather

My grandfather passed away a few days ago.

It was on Christmas day. The day that I came home from my trip to Cuba. As I got off the plane at 2pm Christmas Day, I got an urgent text message to call my mother. When I called her, my mother advised that my grandfather had passed away just two hours before (while we were still in the air), and that the family was waiting for me at the hospital so that I could pay my last respects before they take his body away. On that note, just to explain one thing...as Muslims, we have to bury the body right away, like within 24 hours if at all possible.

I rushed to the hospital, prayed a prayer for my grandfather, gave my condolences to my grandmother, and proceeded to make funeral arrangements with my father. This was a tough one, because we needed the funeral to be the next day, and because of the Christmas holidays, we had a tough time finding people to help with the burial service (digging the grave, etc). We ended up finding someone, but had to pay extra to have the funeral over the Christmas closures. Thankfully, we were able to have the funeral on the 26th.

It was sad to see my grandfather go, and from another perspective, it was expected. He was in his 90's, and lived a good life. He was a good man. And towards the end of his life, his quality of life really wasn't there. I asked my mother how he died so suddenly. I mean, I went a few weeks ago to the nursing home on Eid to visit him, and he was fine when I left for Cuba, and then he passed away on the day I was returning. My mother explained that he developed an infection in his leg. Four days before he died, the hospital asked my father to make a decision. They could either amputate both his legs to get rid of the infection, or they could put him on morphine and let nature decide his fate. My dad opted for the morphine. He didn't feel that there was any dignity in amputating his limbs, and he was concerned that this type of a surgery may not even be successful. I believe he made the right decision. He was told my grandfather would have 1-4 months to live. He died 4 days later.

I'm glad he died sooner, rather than suffering for an extended period of time. Still, it's sad to say goodbye to a man that lived with us for over 15 years when I was growing up. After his death, I remembered a day when I was 12 years old, trying to avoid one of my regular Quran lessons with grandfather, running and hiding in the bedroom closet. As I read from the Quran after my grandfather's death, I had tears in my eyes as I recalled the day he found me in the closet and said "Just remember, when my time comes, and I pass away, read from the Quran for me. Make sure you're not hiding in the closets when that time comes, ok?". I remember saying "Dada (urdu for grandfather), you're going to live a long time". And thankfully he did. And yes, I did get to pray for him, and I was glad I was able to do it. I can also thank him for encouraging me to learn my prayers. That's one contribution that he has made that will continue on, every time I read a prayer. And when I do read those prayers, I will make sure I pray one for him.

Cuba in December

The children and I just came back from a trip to Cuba. We had an awesome time. Life has been really busy lately, and I knew it was time for a break. So a few weeks ago, I made a spur of the moment decision and booked a trip for the 3 of us.

Cuba was great. It was cold for the first 3 days (really cold, like 10 degrees cold), but we still had an awesome trip. The last 4 days were very warm, and we got the opportunity to hang out on the beach. Most of all, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually got the chance to take a break. Like a lie-on-the-beach and do nothing, think of nothing kind of break. And it was awesome. Many of my friends said that a beach vacation would not be for me, that I would go crazy, and that I would end up bored. They were wrong. I am amazed at how I was able to lie there for hours and just love it. I can't wait to go on another beach getaway.

We celebrated my son's birthday while we were away. The restaurant manager baked a cake for my son and had the piano player play "happy birthday" for him. My son loved it. The resort we stayed at had such a great Public Affairs manager, that on my son's birthday, he walked the beach looking for us so that he could give my son a little gift (badminton set) and a card. I thought it was a really nice touch.

The bonding period with my kids was awesome. I cannot wait to get away with the kids again.

Home Alone, Yet Underage

Getting back to the topic of my ex's idiotic tendencies, I had another issue with him a few weeks back. This one really ticked me off, to the point that I couldn't function for days. It was another one of those 'do I call the cops, or do I deal with matters on my own' situations. Yet another one. It never ends. On this note, one of the questions I still haven't been able to answer for myself is why have I not been able to contact the authorities thus far? What is my issue? I tell myself that it is because I don't want the children exposed to it, that I don't want their father to be charged, that overall it will only hurt them. While this is true, I think I have to be honest with myself and admit that there is much more to it. For whatever reason, I cannot do it. I wasn't even able to do it before the kids were in the picture, so it has as much to do with ME, with MY issues than with anything else. This is something I have to deal with somehow.

Anyhow, getting back to what happened, a few weeks ago, I was having dinner with my children. My daughter was talking about her play date with a girlfriend while she was at her father's house. It occurred to me that while she was there, my son must have been going to a play date with his friend also. So I asked him what he does when his sister is with her friend. The response is silence, as my child looks down and starts to eat faster. Anyone with children knows that this is a sure sign that something is wrong. So I ask the question again, to which I again get the same response. So I ask what they are hiding from me.

My daughter responds "we are not allowed to tell you". Not allowed to tell me what? So I explain that lying and and keeping something from your mother is a very bad thing. A mother's job is to protect her children. But I cannot protect what I do not know.

So my daughter tells me that "he stays home". As in with your father? "No. As in on his own". As in while he drops you off? "No- as in while he goes out with his friends".

So let me get this straight? Psycho man leaves my 9 year old boy home alone, unattended, while he goes out for coffee with his buddies? Seriously?!! I was infuriated. To top it off, the kids tell me I'm not allowed to tell their dad. Their dad will get mad. So I'm stuck. Protect the kids, or lose their confidence and risk them getting in trouble by their dad? I choose to protect my kids. So I tell them that I have to speak to their dad. I tell them that it is a criminal offense to leave a child home alone. I tell them that when they allow their dad to do it, they are breaking the law as well. I guess this freaked the kids out a bit (I know, it's harsh. But what else can I do? I can't control him, so I have to make the kids understand)...it's for their own good...

I spoke to a friend and told him that I was really ticked. I told him that I needed to have a chit chat with my ex. His advice was that I wait out the weekend and cool off. That if I lose my temper, it will just result in more hostility. So I wait out the weekend.

The following Monday, I call my ex. I wait until I am calm. I ask him if we can talk about the children. He says yes. Then I proceed to tell him that I have come to understand that on a few occasions, he has left our son home alone, unattended. Silence. So I proceed to say that I'm a little confused at why he would do this, after all, he only sees the children for 6 days a month, and if he has childcare issues, perhaps he can leave them with me. That I am only concerned about the children's safety and well being.

And then he blows up at me. He starts calling me a self righteous bitch and starts with all sorts of profanities. On and on. I wait for him to settle down but he doesn't. Then, after a couple of minutes of his non-stop cursing, I step in. I tell him that I have had enough. That he should be thankful that I even called him. All I have to do is call the police or the CAS. After all, what the hell do I care? I'm the custodial parent. I have nothing to lose. He continues swearing and I yell back. It turns into an all out yelling/swearing match. I end the call with "you know what? I'm sorry I called you. I should have called the authorities. I should have known not to give you the benefit of the doubt. Go to hell". And then I hang up.

Two minutes later, I get a text message asking me to calm down, so we can talk again the next day. The next day, I decide no more talking. So I email him. I basically put it in writing that I need a written commitment that he will not leave the children home alone again. And if I find out, I will immediately contact the authorities, without calling him. The response to my email comes via text message. It says "confirmed". That's a typical cover-your-ass response. I follow up with a phone call, again making it clear that I will not tolerate this again. He confirms that it won't happen again.

I leave it at that. I save the text message with the email. He might have used a different medium, but it's still evidence.

This was all a few weeks ago. Since then, I have checked in with the kids many times. They have stated that they have not been left alone since then. I believe them for now.

But rest assured, if I find out he is doing this again, I'm seriously going to lose it next time. No more mercy. (Ok, now THAT line was DEJA VU...)

Poisoning a Child's Mind

So what do you do when an ex says destructive things about the other parent? What recourse do we have in a divorce situation? There isn't a court in the country that can stop one parent from filling a child's mind with crap about the other parent. So how do we deal with these things?

Today my children came home from a weekend with their father. As soon as they got home, my son asked me what I did all weekend. I told him that I did some shopping, went to the gym, cleaned out my closets, did some laundry and watched a movie with some friends. He was quiet. I asked what was bothering him.

He said that his father told him (in confidence), that when the kids are with their dad, their mother has "sex with various different men" and that I am a "very loose woman". I cannot begin to describe how angered I am right now. I am so furious I can barely type. Firstly, I don't even know if my almost 10 year old son knows what sex is. (I am hoping he does not). I asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant kissing and sleeping in the same bed.

I proceeded to tell him that no, it is not true and that his father has no right to make up stories about me. He asked how he as a child can tell which parent is telling the truth (it's a fair question). I explained that firstly, the parent who tells you things in secret is usually doing something wrong (or making things up), and that he as my son should have a pretty good idea of the type of woman I am. Thirdly, I explained that IF in some way, I were doing something wrong, how the heck would his dad know about it? It's not like he's here to watch me. That was the light bulb moment for my son. Oh yeah, he says. How would he know something like that about you? Well duh.

I called my friend to vent about this. He told me that these are the things I cannot change. My ex is an asshole of the supremest degree and that is who he will always be. I will have to deal with these things as they come up. I just hope one day everything he does bites him. He deserves it. He deserves a miserable life. And yes, I am wishing it upon him. I'm angry. Kill me for venting if you don't like it.

My biggest mistake was marrying that scum of a human being. 5 and a half years after my leaving him, and he still doesn't let up. Some days, it feels like I will never have any peace. Sigh.

Your True Self, During Adversity

Someone shared an interesting thought with me today.

This person said that we all think we know who we are, but that our true self really comes out during times of adversity. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. When we are happy, we give to charity, we are kind to others, and we forgive easier. When we go through difficulties, we have an opportunity to learn who we really are- whether we are inherently good people or not, and what our personal challenges and vices really are. We learn if we are capable of rising above, and these moments can also teach us how to understand others when they go through hardships, as we have all, at some level or another, experienced hardships of our own.

So that makes me wonder. I have learned a hell of a lot about myself over the past few years. Most of the things I can honestly say I am really proud of. I learned that I'm tougher than I think, that I can survive more than I ever thought, and that I am not a bad person. I also learned that no matter how hard life gets, it does get easier.

On the flip side, I've also learned that even good people can sometimes make mistakes, say things and do things that they may not normally do. Some of them we regret, and some of them we don't. Some we make right, and some we leave as wrong. While I can honestly say that I am not a bad person, I have also learned that I am far from perfect. I've spent the past 5 years rebuilding my life, and in the process, I have made some mistakes as well. I can be kind enough to myself not to punish myself for my mistakes, but at the same time, I've also learned that nobody gets a free ticket. We are all, after all, accountable for our actions.

So, as I continue to rebuild my life, one of the thoughts I will keep in mind the next time I face difficulty is that who I am, and who I become, is directly related to how I conduct myself during those difficult times. this makes them opportunities- to change, to better myself, and truly create the person I want to be. The best thing to keep in mind- nobody should get a free ticket. And there is karma. Mistakes are OK if we learn from them, but we do at the end of the day, all reap the rewards of our own efforts- both the good ones, and the bad ones.