Divorce Notes from the Oprah Winfrey Show

I watched an old PVR'd episode of Oprah the other day. Some interesting points about children and divorce:

• When you put down the other parent, you psychologically mess up your children because they feel disloyal to one parent for loving the other
• When children aren't allowed to heal in therapy, girls become clinically depressed and little boys become enraged and grow up angry
• We need to acknowledge that the kids are hurting and that it's very sad
• Kids of divorced homes are feeling the impact even when you don't think they are feeling it
• Children feel like the divorce is their fault. When there is arguing amongst parents after a divorce, it's usually over the kids, so the children are led to believe the hostility is all their fault
• Never criticize the other parent because when you do, you are criticizing your child's DNA- the only exception is when the other parent has either abandoned them or is harming them. Then you have to tell them that it is wrong for a parent to emotionally abandon or physically abuse them. It is OK to tell them that sometimes people have problems in their minds and it limits some parents from giving kids the love they deserve. Reassure them that they are huggable enough and they are terrific, and they deserve to have two parents, but that right now, they have one really loving one and they will always have that.
  
• Help the children write about how they feel and get it out and read the letter/journal entry as this will be therapeutic for them
• When there is a lot of fighting between the parents, children don't express their feelings because they don't want to add to the fighting, and this builds up over time and turns into rage
• The best thing you can do for your children is to tell them that you would like them to come to you with their problems, but if they cannot, identify two adults that they can go to that are empowered to make decisions to help them if anything major ever came up and these people are instructed to maintain their confidence (like substitute parents).
  

3 rules to follow when telling your children that you are getting a divorce:

1. Tell them together as a family about the divorce. This will be one of the moments they remember for the rest of their life, so make it as comforting as possible
2. You have about 45 seconds before a child's mind starts racing. Things to tell them:
• Mom and dad made each other very sad, we feel it is best for the family that we spend time apart
• You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us
• This is absolutely not your fault, you did nothing to cause this
3. Practice what you will say, and then when you say it, sit back and listen to what they have to say, hold them, hug them, allow them to ask questions and allow them to tell you how their mind is racing and what they are thinking. Children will want to know why the divorce happened. You need to give them general things that they can learn- we said nasty things to each other, we didn't treat each other as nice as we should have etc.

This made me feel kind of sad. It's like we did everything wrong in this divorce. I could use the easy excuse and say that one parent was mentally unstable, but I would rather reflect and ask myself what I could have done better. I definitely could have broken the news to them better. I also could have criticized my ex less. I did that in the context of whenever he hurt the kids though, so it's a tough balance...