The Rearview Mirror

Do you ever find that you are continually looking through the rear view mirror while driving forward in life?

It may be human nature to keep looking back, but the only problem with it is that you live in the past. And you have no present. And you lose a lot of direction for the future.

I might be one of those people. I've spent an enormous amount of time focusing on the crap that life dealt me. A friend recently said to me "Your past is a constant excuse that you use. It's like your "out". Shaz...your divorce is 5 years old. You cannot keep focusing on it, nor can you keep focusing on the things your ex did to you. It's time to move forward"....

5 years. I cannot believe it. He's right. 5 years have passed (well, it will be 5 years on June 9). And I am still focused on what I went through. It almost consumes my thinking at times. And really and truly, as nutty as my ex is, things are a million fold better now than 5 years ago.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot.

No Daycare...

So I am working from home today. The daycare is closed, school is closed, and I have nobody to watch my children. It was supposed to be my ex husband's day today, but we all know how that panned out.

Thank God I work in a flexible work place. Otherwise, I would be stuck big time.

The kids are doing well. I'm letting them watch some TV so I can get some work done. I also have arts and crafts supplies out so they can amuse themselves. I know, I should be playing WITH them, but I am working from home, and I have work to do. So they have to entertain themselves.

I'm trying to reach my lawyer also and she seems swamped. Where is a good lawyer when you need her?

My ex sent me a nasty email last night something along the lines of me being an extortionist. So let me get this straight....I let you off the hook provided we can manage things peacefully and put checks and balances into the court order to protect the kids, avoiding you getting charged and THAT makes ME an extortionist? Seriously?

The world is a messed up place.

Man...I need to talk to my lawyer....

Science Centre with the Children

I took the children to the Science Centre today. I figured we could all use some down time. I personally needed to get my mind off things and I needed the kids to just have fun. Mission accomplished. I would say they had a good day. Seeing them smile was all that I needed to feel good.

And, while I was at the Science Center, I got a call from a friend. During our conversation, he told me that I am an "awesome mom". I don't know if I believe that, but I have to say that it felt good to hear it today. He doesn't even know what has transpired over the past few days, as he is traveling and I didn't want to ruin his trip. Still, just hearing it was very reassuring. Especially now, given this weekend's events.

Tonight's goal, now that the children are in bed, is to draft the letters to my lawyer outlining this weekend's events and next steps for court.

SIGH.

Taking Matters into my Own Hands

I had a lot to think about over the past few days. This was really and truly a tough one for me. The children wanted to protect their dad as much as possible. I wanted to protect the children. On the one hand, there is the side to me that says that the best protection for the children is to keep their dad away from them. On the other hand, I know full well that they love their father, and while keeping him away would physically protect them, it would emotionally hurt them. So my only solution is to find an option that helps facilitate a healthy and safe relationship between the children and their father. Ironic that I am the one working so hard to achieve this.

Along these lines, if I press charges against my ex for his recent conduct, two things would happen.

1. I would potentially lose the children's trust because they asked me not to
2. He would get charged

Now at a surface level, it looks great for me, and for my court case if he gets charged. But on another level, if he gets charged, it will impact his ability to find employment. Which will impact the conditions he lives in when the children are with him. Which impacts his mental health/state of mind. Which directly impacts my children's well being.

Another thing is that the last time I called the CAS, they did nothing. The police let him off with a warning. The CAS refused to even go to court for me. They gave him 6 months of supervised access and them let him off scott free. They achieved nothing at all. So it's really a tough call. And if I don't call them, I look negligent. But I need to protect my children.

So I took matters into my own hands. And I handled it my own way. Here is what I did:

1. I photographed the bruises
   
2. I called a close friend and had him come to see the children. He inspected the bruises and spoke to my children and heard their stories first hand. He will email me to document the incident and if ever the need comes up, I can ask him to sign an affidavit.
3. I spoke to my ex and got him to send me a written confession of what he did. I told him that I did not intend to use it to press charges, but I did intend to use it for court IN THE EVENT that he denied any wrong doing or tried to position himself as a "changed man". So if we go to court, he either has to agree to a treatment plan, or I get to tell the court that he hurt the children yet again, and let the court decide. His written confession is my proof that he admits the events did occur.
4. I told my ex he is not to see the children until further notice. Meaning, he has to commence seeing a psychiatrist and I want reports that he is in weekly therapy/or under medication. Once I get reports, his access can resume
5. He is to take anger management and parenting courses.
6. He is to agree to the assessor's recommendations at our May court date. Meaning, he has to consent to my getting full custody, to his need for a psychiatric treatment plan as a condition to his access to the children and he has to agree that I have the right to revoke his access should his conduct be detrimental to the children. And, the court order will be police enforceable.
   

He agreed to my terms. Really, he didn't have a choice. If he decided to go against them, I would have called the police.

So, I think in my opinion, I got as much out of it as I would have if the CAS were involved. In fact, possibly more, because they have been most unhelpful in the past.

And I avoid a trial. Which means May 16th may really and truly be the end of all this.

And really, he is better off this way too, as he won't get charged. But he has to bend and accept me as the full custodial parent.

Overall, I think the children will win. Their father will be forced into a treatment plan which is good for them. I will have the authority to protect them as I see fit. (Also good for them). They have a chance for a healthy relationship with their dad. Also good for them.

I'm hoping the kids are best off this way.

Some of you will judge me for not calling the police. But what would I achieve? I would win the court case by a landslide, but my ex would be mentally worse than ever. And that wouldn't be good for the kids.

Walk a day in my shoes everyone. Then and only then will you understand my predicament. I just hope I made the right decision. I will call my lawyer on Monday and see what she says about all this.

But either way, I have a clear conscience. I have been really and truly trying to act in the best interests of my children. I made some tough decisions. From my own perspective, after everything he did to me, I would have loved nothing more than to have him charged. After all, I should have had him charged 15 years ago. But that would be me acting for myself. I really believe that the children are better off this way, and that's why tonight I will sleep well. My conscience is clear.

The Cycle Continues...

Ironic that just yesterday I was writing about abusive men, and now this...

Today I went to pick up my kids from the daycare and I noticed a bruise on my son's cheek. I froze. This totally felt like deja vu. I asked him what happened to his face. He said that he fell off his bike and banged into a pole. I said that it was an interesting story but that a pole doesn't leave a mark like that. The mark after all, looks like finger marks.

I'm sorry guys. You know my history. I was an abused wife. You can't pull that "I banged into something" crap with me. I used those lines for 11 years. I know them inside out and I can smell a rat a mile away.

So I ask my son if he would like to tell me the truth. No comment. So I ask if anyone hurt him. He whispers "My dad. But he told me not to tell you. He said you would call the police and I would never see him again. He said you would make us go back to the Children's Aid Centres and we hate that place. We want to give him one more chance. He said he was really sorry".

So this is a lovely predicament.

Do I:

• Bust the man's sorry ass by calling the CAS and having yet another social worker and yet another policeman come to see my children? Doing so will mean that the children won't get to see their dad for some time, will blame me for it, and will likely not trust me with information the next time they need to turn to someone. I know I am the parent and I have to look out for them, but I also need to build their trust. I don't want him to get away with this, and at the same time I know this is his pattern. He needs to be stopped or he will keep doing this.
• Document the issue via email to my ex, email to my lawyer, but not call the police? If I do this, he gets away with it, which is totally unacceptable, but the children trust me the next time they have to confide in someone. And what if (God forbid) the next time it is something bigger/worse?
  
• Call a doctor (I tried, but they are closed for the long weekend). Note that a doctor/walk in would call the CAS, so if I go this route I might as well just call the CAS myself. Mind you, if I wait until Monday, the bruise will be gone, so whatever I do will have to be done tomorrow.
  

My head is spinning right now. I am totally enraged at what has happened. I'm leaning towards calling the Children's Aid Society in the morning, and dealing with the children's backlash (anger towards me) afterwards. In the meantime, my ex called me. I took the call and told him off. I basically told him that:

• He will not be seeing the children this weekend
• His conduct is unacceptable. I left our marriage to protect the children and I fully intend to continue doing so.
• I told him that I have no choice left but to call the authorities in the morning.

He of course said he was sorry, don't call the police, we can work this out, blah blah blah.

I told him I need to think. But in the meantime, if he wants me NOT to call the police, he can send me an email documenting what he did to our son and what steps he intends on taking to make sure it doesn't happen again. That way, at least I have it in writing, should I need it in court.

He was quiet. I told him either he sends me the email or I call the police and he has until morning to decide.

Honestly, we go to court again May 16. I really don't need this crap in my life. I thought things were just starting to take a turn for the better. Unfortunately, it looks like this is the reality of my life.

Damn the stupid courts for doing nothing. And the stupid CAS has done nothing in the past (which is why I hesitate to call them and expose my children to their useless bullshit that goes nowhere and does nothing but add grief to their lives). And the police have not helped. After all, they are the ones who did not press charges last time. So he got off the hook, my kids went through hell for nothing, and my ex walked.

If I call them again, will they just do the same? Will it be unnecessary grief for nothing again?

Everyone sucks. The system sucks. I'm so frustrated right now.

Interviewing Abusive Men

I watched another Oprah episode tonight. OK I PVR Oprah so I watch them later on, which is why sometimes my blog posts are not aligned with the show of the day...

Anyhow in this show, she interviews abusive men. I actually feel physically ill just watching this. The guys on this show are totally disgusting, and they talk just like my ex husband. I'm hearing things like:

• I feel bad when I hit her, but I lose control. I just black out (ya right, black out from what? Your assholeness??)
• I get tunnel vision when I get mad and I just lose control
• I feel the need to get in control and the easiest way is to take control of my wife
  

I mean come on, these people are in serious need of therapy. And one girl on this show is still with her husband. She says if he hits her again, she will leave. I mean, this girl is ME. She has been in the relationship for years, and for some reason, she is riding the "one more chance" wave. I say no more chances. He won't change. Leave while you can. Keep a packed duffel bag in your closet with a change of clothes, a credit card, some cash, some toiletries. I did that. It was that duffle bag that saved me when I finally left. Think about it. When the day comes when you do leave, you likely won't have the time to pack your things. So if you're in an abusive relationship and you are planning to leave, keep a packed bag ready and waiting. I even kept cash in my desk drawer at the office in case I needed it.

Anyhow, there was another point that got to me. All of these men had witnessed abuse in their lifetime. Some experienced child abuse, most witnessed their mothers being abused.

So what about my children? They experienced abuse. My 3 year old son once witnessed his father hurting me. Will he grow up to be an abuser too? What does it take to break the cycle of abuse? Will a mother leaving a bad marriage and teaching you that abuse is unacceptable be enough to break the cycle? Did I do enough to break the cycle for my children, or will they still need help?

It's a tough call. I mean, they seem well balanced, and they are very well aware that our marriage ended because of "how their dad is". I never told them he was abusive, but they know how he was with them, and they know he had to have done something very bad to me for me to leave. And when they get older and ask, I may just answer. But is that enough to stop the cycle? To have one parent who is adamantly against any form of violence? I certainly hope so. Otherwise, I won't have accomplished everything I was hoping to accomplish when I left. Yes we are physically safe, but I need the children to be emotionally safe, as children, and as adults.

SIGH. The things that keep me up at night...

Friends with the Caretaker

Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity to get to know my children's school staff very well. Over the most recent 2 years, that also includes Violet, the school caretaker/janitor (I don't know what the politically correct term is, but you know who I am talking about). Recall that my son has ADHD. What that means is that on occasion, especially when he is not on medication (like at this time), he will forget things at school. Homework, textbooks, gloves, shoes, the works. In the case of homework, I get the joy of making late evening trips back to the school, getting the custodian to open the classroom door and sifting through my son's desk until we find the missing work. Sigh. The oh-so-many-joys of parenting.

Tonight, at 7:30, I went to the school and went through the routine. We went through my son's disaster of a desk, in which I found his last assignment. The one I took 4 hrs to do with him. And also the one (so he tells me tonight) that he couldn't find, forgot to hand in, and consequently got a zero on. Double sigh. Oh the joys of raising a child with ADHD.

So I leave the assignment on the desk and come home and email the teacher. Hopefully he will see the assignment and give him partial marks? I am so tired sometimes of doing all this work, packing backpacks only to have the child lose the assignment IN HIS DESK. Come ON!

Anyhow, the homework is now done, the email has been sent, and life is normal again. My son has lost some privileges, which I feel bad doing because of the attention deficit, but I feel I have to do or he will use it as his excuse for life. He may have ADHD, but that is an explanation, not an excuse. It means that he needs to work harder than other children at being organized. It means he needs a stricter routine, and yes, it may mean the medication is the solution. It means when he is off his meds, his desk will likely end up in disarray, but it also means that he needs to strengthen the skills so he can do a better job of keeping on top of it.

I will go back to the pediatrician in June and see what the next steps are with respect to medication. But in the meantime, he has to do better with organizational skills. We can't let everything keep sliding.

Anyhow, thank God for the caretaker. She just smiled and said "Little boys. Some need reminders to stay focused, and others don't. But all little boys are good kids". She reminded me that it happened a lot less this year than last year, and that he is a nice boy with a good disposition.

Silver Lining. Thank you Violet. For your patience, and understanding.

Something for me...

I think it's been years since I've done something for me. It's funny...as a single mom you get so caught up in doing the work, that you never have time for yourself. A friend recently asked "so what are your hobbies?". Truthfully, I felt kind of sad. I mean, I don't have the time for hobbies. I try to go to the gym 3x a week (OK, I end up going 2x cuz I don't have the time). But I don't LOVE it. I go because I kind of have to.

I enjoy spending time with friends, but I don't call that a hobby. I enjoy shopping, but that's not a hobby either. And I watch Oprah. That's my life. That and of course the children. I'm not saying I'm a bore. I mean I've dated, I have great friends, but I don't have a hobby.

So this week, I signed up for a (don't laugh) belly dancing course. It's something that I've wanted to take for years. Really. Like 10 years, but never had the guts to do it.

And I loved it. I suck at it, but I loved it. What fun. I should have done something like this a long time ago. I'm probably the only girl in the class with zero rhythm, but it is loads of fun. Nothing like 20 girls in a class laughing their butts off while, well, shaking them too :)

I've decided that when this is over, I'm taking another class. Maybe belly dancing. Maybe something else.

Hooray for hobbies :)