A Menally Relaxing Weekend

I did errands this weekend, visited mom, did homework, but I have to say, I cannot remember the last time I had this much peace of mind.

This must be what it feels like to be normal.

I know I have a court case coming up....but I am enjoying savoring the moment, even if just for a few days.

And, I learned today that mom will be coming home on Friday. Just in time for Eid. Hooray!

And- a big thank you to all my friends who have given me support and strength to get this far. I love you guys.

The Assessor's Recommendations

It went well. It went just about as well as I could have wanted. Thank God. I actually came home and fell asleep. I think the built up fatigue just kind of caught up to me yesterday. My lawyer said this was the first time she ever saw an assessment so much in favor of one side.

Here is a summary of his recommendations:

• Full custody for me- He basically said this should never have been joint custody to begin with. He said that when one partner was abused, you cannot force the parents to co-parent and make joint decisions. He said all decisions for the children should be made by me, and that I do not have to consult with my ex first. But I do have to give him an FYI.
• Visitation every other weekend for my ex- He gets to see the kids every other weekend, unsupervised (but there are stipulations, see below). He is not allowed to see them mid week as he disrupts their school routine. In addition, I have to do all homework with the kids, my ex does not b/c he is "not capable" of managing a stressful routine without losing his temper. In addition, he has to bring them home early at 2pm on Sundays so that I can do homework with the children (rather than bringing them home at 7pm)
  
• I am allowed to relocate to NYC- This was incredible. He said it was actually in the best interests of the children that I relocate so that the children can have a normal life. He said they have been exposed to a very distorted reality and so they deserve to see that people can have normal lives that do not involve abuse. If I move, I have to bring the children back about 6 times per year to see their dad, including a month long visit in July. The other months where there is no visit, he has to come to NYC to visit the kids if he wants to see them.
• My ex has to be under the care of a psychiatrist- The assessor said that my ex most definitely has mental health issues, and likely bipolar disorder. In order to be unsupervised around the children, my ex has to go to a psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I am to get confirmation that he is attending and following the recommendations of the psychiatrist (eg- medications). If he doesn't go to a psychiatrist, he has to find a supervisor for his visits.

There was some other really neat stuff said:

• He said that the children are doing well for the most part, and the only reason that they are not "unstable" is because they have me for a mother. (I cried when he said that). He said that my ex has to make peace with me and accept that I have been the main caregiver to the kids and done a good job raising them.
• He said that he has confirmed that my ex was an abusive husband, from multiple sources. "You were an abusive husband, and you are an abusive father"...
• He said Mr. NYC was a great role model for the kids and that the kids really love him. He feels he can provide them with stability
• He said that my ex was "controlling, angry, unstable"

So what are the next steps? That rests with my ex. He can either consent to the recommendations, or we take this to trial. The assessor urged him not to go to trial. He said "If you go to trial, you will not win this. You have a good lawyer but even the best lawyer in the country can't win this for you". Let's see what happens. Knowing my ex, I am fully expecting this to go to trial and waste more time and money. But my lawyer says it is rare for a judge to overturn an assessor's recommendations. We don't expect that to happen.

My friend was right. He always said "be patient, your day will come". This is my day.

I have to say, the sun feels like it is shining exceptionally bright today.

The Night is Always Darkest...

...Just before the dawn.

Words spoken in the Dark Knight Movie....let's hope they are true.

Tonight is absolutely unbearable for me. I had the crappiest day at work. I am just feeling like crap. I have the assessment disclosure tomorrow at 10am. I came home with the biggest headache in the world. I wanted to go to sleep early, but I know that I won't. Oh ya, and my ex brought the children back ridiculously late again (9pm). What a jerk.

And as if there weren't' already enough on my plate to begin with (you know, despite the assessment and the crappy work stuff), I get a phone call from the children's therapist. Apparently my gem of an ex husband has withdrawn consent for the children to see this therapist. My children have an appointment on Saturday. I can't take them now. This is just UNREAL.

I mean, as if they haven't been put through enough! The one thing keeping them sane is their therapy. They are well adjusted kids despite the fact that they have the most screwed up father in the world. I attribute their well adjusted-ness to their therapist, and well, to me. But I can't save them alone. I need her. When she called me tonight, she was very apologetic, and did admit to me that in all her time in therapy (over 20 years) my ex is right up there as one of the worst ex husbands ever. Well, I guess I should get the asshole ex husband cookie. Yaay for me.

Anyhow, I have spent the past 45 minutes just fuming, and now my head is just pounding. I am totally completely fed up. And now I feel all hopeless about this assessment. I am just holding on for tomorrow.

I hope the night really is darkest just before the dawn. That would mean that tomorrow will only get better.

I have my fingers crossed, my prayers going and I still have a bit of hope. I need to resolve all this stuff soon. The longer I wait, the bigger this mess seems to get. :(

Pray for me guys. A lot really rests on tomorrow. In fact, everything does.

Getting Closer...

Two Days to go.

I have no idea how I am surviving this agony. I'm sure the wait is the worst part. At least I hope so.

Actually I know how I am surviving. I have been swamped with two projects from hell at work, and I have the comfort of great friends when I'm not there. Thank God for my friends.

My mom called to see how I'm doing. Imagine that. She is in the hospital and she wants to know how I am holding up. She reassured me. "I'm confident this should go in your favor. The evidence itself is very strong." This from my mom who is in the hospital. Now that is blessed isn't it?

It can only get better. That's what I keep telling myself.

4 Days to Go

I have been counting the days. I can't sleep. I am mentally a mess. I'm not expecting anything bad, I just need this to be over. I have had enough. With everything.

Thank God I was able to keep busy this weekend. Thank God for my friends. I spent Friday night with friends. Actually, I was at Fatima's home (my ex's ex wife). She had a party, I had a lovely time.

On Saturday, I had another nice day. I kept busy with a good friend and I kept my mind off things, and it was great company. It worked out well.

Today I spent the bulk of the day with Mom at the hospital. She is recovering really well.

Like I said, this weekend was all about keeping busy.

4 Days to Go.

It's a Wonderful World

Yesterday, I had one of the more beautiful mornings ever. It started off all frustrating but my son saved the day. God Bless him.

I am one of those people who for the most part keeps her home organized, but I have my moments. I have this one Tupperware cupboard that is a disaster. Every time I open it, stuff falls out. I tidy it up from time to time, but it just seems to go back to what it was, no matter how many times I clean it up.

Yesterday, I was running late. I was packing lunches. I needed Tupperware. I opened the cupboard, and a bunch fell out. On my head. I was frustrated, but I ignored it and put the Tupperware back. Then I realized I forgot to take out one for the children's lunch. So I open the cupboard again and you guessed it, they fell on my head again. This time I was VERY frustrated, but tried to stay calm. (The children, were after all, sitting in the kitchen, eating cereal and watching me).

I put the Tupperware away (neater this time), and I closed the cupboard. I then realized that I left the lid in the cupboard, and I open it and....you guessed it. A Tupperware fell on my head.

Now normally I would laugh it off, but I was:

1. Late for work
2. Still had to pack lunches
3. Frustrated at myself for letting this happen a third time
4. Annoyed that I don't have more cupboard space.

So what do I do? I shout. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!!!"

I turn. I look at the children. I turn back. I put the Tupperware back in the cupboard. I feel a tug on my sleeve. I turn, I hear music. I see my son standing before me. He went to the CD player and put on one of my favourite songs.

It was Louis Armstrong, It's a Wonderful World. I get teary eyed. I look at him. He smiles. "Don't worry mommy. Just start the day over".

I smile. I hug him. I tell him how much I love him.

He made my day. I'm so glad to have him in my life.

Profanities

Not only did my ex bring the children home at 9pm again (on a weeknight, despite the 8pm court order), but I also learned some disturbing news from the children. My ex has been getting angry at them, and using profanities with the children. Please excuse the profanities that I am about to mention below. But I was horrified at what the children told me tonight.

The children have recounted to me that their father swears at them. Tonight my son told me his their father called him a "fucking asshole" and that he did this last week as well. He said that he is called this when he doesn't listen to/obey his father. This is how my son described it:

• my son doesn't listen to what he is told
• My ex says "Why do you have to be such a fucking asshole?!"
• My son replies (in fear) "I'm sorry Baba. Don't yell!"
• My ex says "Oh ya, if you're sorry, then say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole"
• My son says "I'm sorry for being a fucking asshole".

My daughter confirmed this to me as well. How I found out tonight is that my son and daughter were arguing (it was late to be putting them to bed so they were cranky), and my son said "Fine Mary. Say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole". I got upset, asked where he learned this language, and this is what both children told me. They said it is not the first time this has happened. I explained that they are not to use this language, EVER. I told Mary to tell her father she is not allowed to use this language. Mary then told me that she is called a "fucking bitch".

I keep thinking that there has to be something that can be done. He was better under supervision. Isn't swearing at a child the same as emotional abuse? It's definitely inappropriate discipline. I'm not sure what options I have in this regard, but this is very serious.

Honestly, sometimes I feel so completely hopeless, like there is no way to get out of this mess. It just keeps getting worse and worse and all that is happening is that he keeps getting out of it, and all I am left with is a huge mound of financial debt. It just doesn't seem fair.

One week to go. The assessment report is a week tomorrow. I believe there is a God. There has to be justice at some point. If that meeting goes badly, I am going to give up completely.

One prayer at a time...

Mom's Knee Surgery

My mom had her knee surgery today. I took the day off and had the opportunity to be the one to take her to the hospital. We got there at 8am, surgery started at 10:45am, she was done at 12:30 PM and was brought back to her room at 3:30PM. I stayed until about 5:45PM and then I left to go and pick up my kids from the daycare.

I would do this again for her any day. There is something so special about mothers. I feel so glad that I was able to be with her.

As I watched my mother sleep, I thought of all that she had given up for me. She had a job in a bank back in the 70's (big deal for a Pakistani woman) and she quit to stay home with me, because I cried at the babysitter. The next few years, I benefited from having my mother walk me to school regularly, or wait at the front door with warm almond milk for us, or a fresh hot lunch every day. Mom baked regularly, she sewed our clothes, and she bought us treats. Mom was our life. And today, I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to take care of her. How fitting. How lucky I am. And at the same time, it broke my heart to see her in pain. I'm only glad that this was not a life threatening surgery, and that really, after this is truly over, she will be a lot better off. Maybe in a few months time, we can take her on a shopping spree to Buffalo again. This time, with a new knee, she will be able to keep up with me and my sister. I can't wait.

I just hope that one day my children feel for me the way I feel for my mother. For now, all I can do is live with her example, and hope to be loved as much by my kids as she is by us. I can try to be a good mother and hope that one day they love me for it, and that they don't find too many mistakes in my efforts.

Then again- I can't really go wrong. I have one of the best examples to learn from.

The Flat Tire

On Friday morning, I drove into work just fuming over my ex's fiasco at the daycare. I spoke to my lawyer on the phone and as I pulled into the parking garage at work, I hit the curb that holds the pass machine (where you tap your pass to get into the garage) and I popped a tire. Not a little hole a big huge hole. Instantly flat. I was SO frustrated, I cannot tell you. Why me is all I could think in my head.

So I parked my car on the side and went up to the office. And here is where I realized how lucky I really am. My boss and my colleague/friend changed the tire for me. How often do your colleagues do that for you?

The rest of the day was frustrating, office issues, the usual, and I had a hard time getting through the day.

On Saturday, when I went to Costco, I found out that the treads on ALL tires were pretty much gone, meaning they would need to be changed by October anyways. Crap. $560 dollars later, I was on my way.

I had tickets to the Soccer Game. I went with my friend, and the children, and my best friend's son. It was a great game. We watched our team lose miserably, but the company was good and the crowd was hilarious. And I needed it. I had fun, and it de-stessed me after that unexpected $560 hit. Sigh.

I am just counting the days till the assessment meeting. Sept 18 cannot come fast enough. All I keep telling myself is that soon enough, all this stress that pre-occupies me should be lifted. There will be an answer either way, and I will accept it whatever it is. I just cannot do this much longer.

The Horror of Weeknight Access

Not only did he bring them home late again (8:45PM on a weeknight Wed night), but he did another screw up. Get this:

I was advised by the daycare that my ex is creating issues. He has recently been complaining about the wife (it is a husband and wife couple who own the daycare/Tae Kwan Do after school program). The wife isn't a huge fan of my ex because about a year ago, my ex took the children on a night that wasn't his, and I had to call the police to find out where they were. When the daycare found out, she called him to ask him to bring the children back (since she was liable for giving them to him on a wrong night) and he yelled at her. Ever since that incident, she hasn't been particularly fond of him. In addition, my ex would never bring the children in for their belt tests and the children would fall behind. As a result, this after school program has had to accommodate my children by holding tests around my ex's schedule for me. Just to clarify, she doesn't act rude to him, she just doesn't say anything when he comes in. (She doesn't greet him, but she has asked others to make sure he is treated well).

On Wed, my ex got angry, disrupted the husband (the instructor) while he was teaching a class and told him that this was a "hostile environment" and that he was going to call his lawyer and have the children removed from the daycare.

Needless to say, the children have been going to this place for years. They absolutely love it there. I am NOT in ANY way prepared to change daycares. In addition, rather than putting my children in a "warehouse" after school, I took great efforts to find an after school program with a sport affiliated with it, and this is one where the children have made many friends and they LOVE the program. They get an hour Tae Kwan Do lesson every night after school, and this has been really good for their self confidence and for channeling energy (particularly for my son)

I need this to end. My ex is destroying the children's stability, both the overall weekday routines by bringing them home late and by trying to ruin this for them too. He just can't seem to hold a stable relationship with anyone, and he creates fights and issues everywhere that he goes. His behavior will definitely have a negative impact on the children. I just hope that there is justice when we get the assessor's report on Sept 18. A week and a half to go.

Not Fit to Parent

I know. I should know this by now, but I guess I allow his actions to continue to shock me. It's just absolutely amazing to me just how bad of a parent he really is. I mean, you would think that eventually, the love for his children would kick in and make him do the right thing, but it never does.

He is supposed to bring the children back at 7:30PM. Today, he brought them back at 8:45. And their bedtime is 8:30PM. And tomorrow is the first day of school. Now tell me this...what kind of parent has so little regard for his children that he would deliberately do things to set them up for failure?

My ex.

With God as my witness, I fasted today and if one prayer gets answered, I hope this man gets every inch of what he deserves. There better be justice when we go to court. There better be.

Happy Ramadan!

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I'm so glad that it falls on a weekend day, because the first fast is always the most difficult. That and the fact that I was out late yesterday with my sister and brother in law in Niagara Falls, so I'm tired. Glad I'm not at work.

I got a mini scolding from my mom today, because I woke up before dawn for breakfast, but was too tired to eat. I had a glass of orange juice and a handful of nuts. Mom got mad, because she said that it's a long fast (goes till 8pm) and that a glass of juice was not sufficient. If I can't fast properly on my own, then I should come and stay with her and do it right. :) I love my mom. She cares so much about us. Where would I be without her?

I'm hoping to make this Ramadan a more spiritual one for myself and the children. I have to accept that my angst with religion has influenced the children, and so I need to at least let go of some of it, and bring back some of it for them. I plan to go to the mosque this Ramadan, and to take the children with me. I might even host and Iftaar (breaking fast) party at my home. And I intend to teach them how to pray. I know, it's all well overdue, but at least I have good intentions this year. That is a start.

It's 2pm right now. 6 hours till we can break fast, and now I'm feeling hungry. Methinks mom was right. Mental note, eat a proper breakfast tomorrow morning...

Mom is going for her knee surgery this month, either this Wednesday or next Wednesday. This is long overdue, so I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later. I would love to see mom walk without pain again.

Anyhow, now I sit, I pay bills, I wait for the kids to come home and for sunset so we can break fast :P

Happy Ramadan everyone!