ADHD

My son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder last week. It was a rough week. I haven't blogged because I was trying to get my head around things.

I saw this coming, and I have somewhat mentally prepared myself for it, but I think I need to figure out what to do next to help him.

The situation with the crazy ex husband certainly doesn't help things at all.

The one good news...I had my son tested for juvenile bipolar disorder too. Fortunately, there were no signs of that. That is the good news. Really good news. It makes the ADHD small in comparison. Thank God for perspective.

So next steps, I will soak this in, and consult with some professionals.

I keep reminding myself- God never gives you a challenge that is bigger than what you can face.

In time, this will pass. I will get through this and my little baby will be OK.

Losing Steam

As the last few months (hopefully) of this case are just around the corner, I find myself losing the stamina to continue. Things have been so brutal lately and at their height in ugliness. I just don't know if I have it in me to keep this up. This isn't me. I'm not cut out for this hostility. I just want to be free and happy. In the process of getting free, I got stuck in this never ending hostility. It is totally wrong.

In a conversation yesterday, Mr. NYC gently told me that I need to be prepared to accept that my ex will never really leave me alone. This craziness that has been my life may not be containable. It made me kind of sad to hear it. And then part of me realized what he was doing. If I mentally accept it as my reality, it won't surprise me anymore. I think he's right, I just don't know if I'm mentally there yet.

Either way, Mr. NYC will be here for the weekend, and I am really looking forward to the visit. Little rays of sunshine through the clouds I guess.

I cannot tell you just how much I want this to be over. If I can live through the next few months, I can live through just about anything.

Oct Moves to Nov...

Another delay. My ex's lawyer says he can't make Oct 15th. He is now requesting a date in November. Do you ever feel like some people just have no sense of responsibility? I am so fed up of these games.

I find myself feeling really down these days. I'm trying to snap out of it, but it's really difficult. I mean, it's been 4 years. When will this end?

The Divorce Cake

Sorry Guys. I just couldn't resist posting this. It's hilarious. A bit graphic and creepy but funny none the less. I wonder if anyone has ever had a party with a divorce cake?

And my Babies are Home...

The children are back from their weekend with their dad's. They stayed at his brother's home, so it was a supervised visit. They had a lot of fun, and their dad was on good behaviour. Thank God. I can breathe a sigh of relief.

On another note, I am emotionally drained from this weekend. It is very rare for me to spend so much time to myself and I learned a few things this weekend:

1. I am truly an extrovert. I knew this before, but now I know what it REALLY means. I need to be around people to recharge. I feel like I haven't recharged so I feel a bit like I still need that face time with people. That being said, I did sort through a lot of stuff, so that is good.
   
2. I actually can live with myself, and I know that no matter what, even if I am single forever, that's OK. I will be just fine.
3. The best friends are those who can see you in your darkest hour and still be there for you, even when you are being really moody.
4. For some of us (people like me), our friends and family are our world.
   

Domestic Violence In America

I watched another Oprah episode that I found to be sad, but it was a good one for me to watch. It was about domestic violence. It was a story about a woman whose ex husband dosed her with gasoline and set her on fire. I saw Oprah interviewing this woman who was burned all over. She was beautiful before and while externally scarred, she seemed to still be hopeful for the future. I'm convinced that things will go better for her, and I pray that it does. And then I realized....all I'm losing is money and patience. But my health is better than ever and my children are adjusting well. They adore Mr. NYC and ask me if I can marry him. They actually WANT me to marry him. Instead of having children that react to a boyfriend mine are supportive. I've been such an ingrate lately. I don't know where my head has been. I have so much to be grateful for.

There were 3 statistics on the show about domestic violence that really saddened me. I just had to share them with everyone...

1. Every 15 seconds, a woman in the US is abused by a boyfriend or spouse. (HOLY CRAP! I mean aside from the fact that I am not alone in what I went through, how sad is this? And what is happening to all those women? I am one of the rare ones who got a fresh start. I am really so very lucky. And WE really need to do something to help all those women. I mean- guys, that was ME!)
2. One in 3 women will suffer domestic violence in their lifetime. Again- this is so sad, it made me cry.
3. 30% of female deaths occur as a result of physical abuse from their partner. This one hits home. I found an old diary the other day. I read one of the entries that I wrote a few years into my marriage (maybe one day I'll type it here), but I actually wrote that I was afraid of my ex, and that I honestly believed that one day I would be killed by him. A few years later, I wrote the same thing again. It just made me think- I have so much to be thankful for. And, I need to do something to help others get out of abusive marriages. I have a success story to share and I need to use it for the benefit of others. I have a few ideas- one of them was just going to a local women's shelter and helping women rebuild their resumes and find jobs online. Any takers who want to join me?
   

It's Been an Interesting Weekend So Far...

If you force yourself to spend time alone, you learn a lot about yourself. I know, I've been all alone (no people around me at all) for only 24 hrs so far. It's amazing how hard it is to live in your own head sometimes. I had to fight the urge to call up friends and go out. I find it amazing just how much I depend on others for support, entertainment, etc. I resisted the urge to call my friends, because I needed to figure out a few things. Life has just been so unsettling lately and I really needed the space to think. I did some thinking and I'm not at end goal, but I am slowly getting some clarity. Some of it is scary, some of it is learning about myself. I'm looking forward to tonight. If it doesn't rain, I am planning on taking a traditional paper and pen diary up to the lake and just writing about life.

One of the things I did do so far this weekend is watch Oprah shows on my PVR. I record them regularly but never get time to watch them. I find Oprah so incredibly inspiring. By being able to fast forward through commercials, I've actually been able to watch quite a few episodes while eating, folding laundry, etc. (Don't worry, I haven't spent the entire weekend in front of the tube). I found a few episodes particularly interesting. Two of them were about the strength of positive energy, that what we believe about ourselves dictates what comes back to us. To be honest, a friend at work said this to me a few weeks back as well. I think it is true- positive thinking breeds positive results, and negative thinking breeds negative results. The people on the show described it by saying that the "universe is listening" and that it will "give you back whatever you feed to it".

If I look back, although I have experienced a lot of negative events, things always got better. And, when I went through the worst hardships that I have been through, although I was stressed out, better things came my way, BECAUSE I SINCERELY BELIEVED THEY WOULD.

Lately, I have been strung out again:

• partially because the court case is winding down (and there have been unexpected kinks along the way)
• partly because of financial matters
• partly because of some personal matters
• partly because work has been busier as I have been short staffed
  

For some reason, lately I have just become very negative, and destructive. I mean, I've faced worse with a positive outlook but for some reason, this time, I haven't been positive at all. And to be honest, the more negative I've been, the worse things have been getting.

That being said, I am pretty confident that things will get better. I started off this weekend expecting it to be positive and to re-direct me again, and you know what? I think it is doing just that. (Hey- maybe I was MEANT to see those two episodes of Oprah! I LOVE YOU OPRAH!)

Three cheers for positive thinking!

It Is Better to be From a Broken Home than Living in a Broken Home...

How true it is.

I need to remind myself of that the next time I feel crappy, guilty, or like the children's lives are hopeless because of the divorce.

I always knew this (I mean, that was the driving principle to why I filed for divorce), but it's nice to be reminded.

Well put, Dr. Phil. (BTW- I am NOT personally a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but I saw the quote and rather liked it).

This is the first weekend in 6 months that the children will be with their father. I'm trying not to focus on the fact that it almost feels like a setback. I mean I am right back where I was 6 months ago. I'm sure the past 6 months will catch up to him at some point in court. But they haven't caught up with him yet.

Anyhow, I started off planning a bunch of things that I had to do. I had back to back plans with friends etc. I even had to turn down a Buffalo shopping trip with one of my best friends because I was so busy.

And then I realized. I never take the time for myself. I've been feeling so depressed lately and so crappy and so hopeless. I don't need more stuff on my plate. I need less. I need to sleep it off. I am so exhausted I can barely function.

So here is the plan. I will go to the gym today, tomorrow, Sunday. I will catch up on my house chores, and I will sleep. I need to get the rest.

I canceled everything with all the friends. Most of them read this blog. I'm sure the good friends will forgive me.

Now my weekend is free.

I have a date with the bubble bath, with Starbucks, and with my bed. I might even go wild and rent some movies and eat popcorn.

Case Conference in Court

Today was our case conference. I am truly getting sick of all this crap. I find it absolutely amazing that the assholes of this world can get away with so much. Court went OK, neither great nor really bad, but man the system wastes alot of time and money.

So the net result of today:

• The CAS closed their file yesterday (incompetent aren't they?)
• He will be allowed to spend weekends with the kids supervised by someone I approve of
• He is allowed to see them for up to 4 hrs on Wed nights unsupervised provided he goes to a public place (he is not allowed to be alone with them at home)
• He has to provide me with his financial invoices so I can see what he really makes
• He has to pay me back all money in installments before our next court date which is Oct 15.
• The assessor has confirmed that he will provide disclosure/decisioning by Sept 18 so that is just barely enough time before our next court date

So basically, nothing earth shattering. Baby steps I suppose. The real big next date is Sept 18.

The one interesting thing that I learned today is that he is living with a room mate. A female room mate. I don't really care, except that Mr. Fundamentalism who took me to court for letting the kids celebrate Halloween (a Pagan tradition) is shacking up with some chick. I mean, I'm sure it's platonic, but seriously, what happened to his Muslim beliefs now? Why should he get to pick and choose? And now he wants to take the kids to the apartment to meet his room mate? Isn't that Islamically worse than say, celebrating Halloween?

I personally don't care who he lives with. It's his life. What bugs me is the inconsistency. Mr. Fundamentalism needs to learn to be consistent, and to pick his battles. I mean he took me to COURT over HALLOWEEN for Pete's sake!

I'm so tired of this stupidity.

The Twists and Turns

"I miss the days when I was married to your mom. I really enjoyed when our family was together".

Firstly- what idiot says this to innocent children? Secondly- nice to say, but if you had appreciated those days, you would have had more respect for your wife and children.

This is so unbelievable messed up. I don't even know where to start.

A close friend of mine, upon hearing this, told me that the message was obviously meant for me to hear. I think that might be true, but it doesn't make it any less sick. Just like him telling me back in January that he still loves me and secretly hopes that our family will one day be "reunited". I mean come on.

Let's please stop using the children as pawns. Sheesh.

A Few More Days Till Court

My ex called me a few days back. He wanted to avoid the court date and save some money, especially since the assessment won't be ready in time. I agreed with him, but explained that I couldn't because he owed me alot of money and was refusing to pay up. It's all messed up because I have to spend a ton of money to get back some money so it feels like a waste. We tried to settle things ourselves over email, but typical to himself, he got pushy and tried to give me ultimatums etc so here I am, going to court on Wed.

I can't stand my ex. Everything is a power struggle with him. This time, I will not let him control me or scare me or threaten me. I did it for 15 years. Well no more.

Anyhow, enough of that. I'm just sick of it all really.

On another note, I have been working in overdrive at work lately. I had one person on my team move to another role within our dept and another that left the company. So it's a bit of a one woman show and I really can't seem to keep up. Sigh.

Anyhow, my body defies me. Just when I think I'm managing well, my face explodes in acne heaven and I develop a throat infection. Not surprised I guess. I spent the bulk of this weekend drugged out so far. Not fun at all. I will survive.

On another note, the CAS will be closing the file next week. That means that next weekend my ex will get to spend the entire weekend with the children again. Supervised by his family of course. Honestly, it just feels like it is all back to the drawing board. I hate the system.

I wonder if there is such a thing as trying too hard as a mother? I mean, I spend every last dime and feel like I get nowhere. The assholes of this world always seem to prevail.

I feel so fed up today. Must be the fact that I'm under the weather. I'm just so....tired. I feel like giving up. I mean, heck. Let GOD take care of these kids if he wants to. How much can one person take anyways?

Approaching the Court Date

It's been awhile since I've posted. Life has been a little insane. Lots has been happening, none of it really good, and none that I care to blog about at the moment.

The one thing is that the court date is fast approaching. July 16th is around the corner and as it turns out, the assessment results will not be in on time. We will get the results in August. So this court date feels like a bit of a waste of time, but then again, we will use it to update the judge on what's been going on for the past 6 months, and to get some sort of resolution around money. My ex owes me a very sizable amount of money so I need to recover those funds.

At first, I was really upset when I realized that I would go to court only to have no resolution at this time. Then I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, and that things always work out for the best. Whatever the reason for this delay, I'm sure it's a good one. My guess at this point in time is that July will come and go but we won't have any resolution until Sept on the custody issue. Sigh. Life goes on I suppose. And worse things can happen.

A week and a half and I go to court. Let's see how it goes. In August, I will have the disclosure meeting with the assessor so that should be interesting.

If nothing else, I'm curious to see how the judge reacts when she finds out that my ex abused the children back in Jan and has been forced under supervision by the CAS. She thought he could handle 4hrs on a weeknight unsupervised. She clearly was wrong. I am wondering what she will say when she hears all the details.

Either way, two weeks and that milestone will have passed...