My baby turned six today. Today I actually did the same thing my parents did to me. I told her that it was six years ago that she was born and oh-so-tiny when I brought her home from the hospital. She was such a good baby, didn't cry much and slept a whole lot. I got giggles out of her when I told her that she would kick me from inside my tummy and I would see a little foot pressing through.
So this is the one day in the year where my children actually wake up early, get dressed and get to school early. They love Halloween. Today, I drove a little Snow White and Captain Jack Sparrow to school, happy as can be. I will get them from their dad at 6pm today, as the court ordered that their dad will get to see them for 3 hours tonight (from 3pm to 6pm), due to Mary's birthday. No problem. I usually get them from Tae Kwan Do at that time anyhow.
So I know I haven't been blogging lately, and it's a bad habit. You know I'm in a funk when...
Well maybe not so much a funk, but just dealing with the ongoing drama. Crazy ex husband- check, drowning in legal bills- check, overworked- check, need a break- check, double check.
Sigh. I wish I would win the lottery.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Eid Preparations
I took my daughter to an Eid bazaar last night. It was fun. She made one request of me two weeks back, and that was that she wanted a professional to put Mehndi (henna) on her hands for Eid. I took her to an Eid bazaar and she waited in line and got the henna done. $10 later, we went to the next booth and picked up some glass bracelets to match her lengha (indian dress). She was totally thrilled. I'm glad we managed to get out and have some fun.
This morning, she woke up and squealed with delight when she saw how dark the Mehndi was. She came and sat in my lap and asked if I made her spend too much money. I have no idea what made her think of the cost, but I told her that if she was happy, there was no need to worry about what it costed. I wanted to take her, she enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and that is all that mattered. She told me that I was the best mom in the world (I love hearing that), and that she was SOOOOO happy because it's almost Eid. I felt good.
It was amazing to me how still my daughter was as they put the Mehndi on her hands and at how patient she was while she waited for it to dry. She made sure she didn't touch anything, or bump into anyone, so the Mehndi turned out perfectly. Sometimes, she is so much like me that it's scary.
Tonight, I have a few girlfriends coming over so that we can do our Mehndi for Eid. The kids will be home around 9pm, so they will get to enjoy the fun as well for a little while. I love Eid. It's so festive. :)
This morning, she woke up and squealed with delight when she saw how dark the Mehndi was. She came and sat in my lap and asked if I made her spend too much money. I have no idea what made her think of the cost, but I told her that if she was happy, there was no need to worry about what it costed. I wanted to take her, she enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and that is all that mattered. She told me that I was the best mom in the world (I love hearing that), and that she was SOOOOO happy because it's almost Eid. I felt good.
It was amazing to me how still my daughter was as they put the Mehndi on her hands and at how patient she was while she waited for it to dry. She made sure she didn't touch anything, or bump into anyone, so the Mehndi turned out perfectly. Sometimes, she is so much like me that it's scary.
Tonight, I have a few girlfriends coming over so that we can do our Mehndi for Eid. The kids will be home around 9pm, so they will get to enjoy the fun as well for a little while. I love Eid. It's so festive. :)
Monday, October 08, 2007
An Odd Telephone Call
It's been a nice weekend with the children. We've mostly been at home, which was good, because it gave the children the chance to just relax in their own environment. They have played in their rooms, watched TV, done homework, and it's been nice. I took them to a mosque event on Saturday night, and they enjoyed that. We went to my parent's place for Iftaar yesterday, and they enjoyed that too. Overall, it's been a family weekend.
Yesterday, my ex called for the kids. It was the first telephone call that he attempted since our court date on Tuesday. He spoke to the children for awhile and then asked my son to put the phone on speaker. They talked for awhile longer and he started talking about Eid plans. As background, the judge decided that on Eid (which will be Saturday thanks to the scientific committee), the children will be with their father until 2pm and with me after that. He is having difficulty finding a supervisor on the Eid weekend. He asked to speak to me. I picked up the handset so the children wouldn't hear. He basically wanted to break the weekend into 3 days with chunks of 4 hrs per day so he wouldn't have to arrange supervision. (Recall that the courts ordered that any visits shorter than 4 hrs would not require supervision). Since I have a henna party at my house Friday night (and would love to have my daughter here for it), I figured this would work well. That and the fact that he can never do their hair/dress them as well as I can. So the deal is he will have a visit for 4 hrs on Friday evening, return them to me, I will dress them for prayer Sat morning, he will take them from 9:30/10am to about 2pm and then he will see them again Sunday morning for 4 hrs. That works out well too because I have a sushi lunch with the girls on Sunday afternoon.
I think I prefer the 4hr chunks because I can keep checking on the kids to make sure they are OK, he doesn't get a long enough period with them to go nuts on them, and I get to have more time with them. It worked out for both of us. I feel more comfortable around the children's mental and physical well being, and he doesn't have to inconvenience his family.
Then came the next part. Give an inch of airspace and he takes a mile. He went on and on about how we should settle out of court. I'm guessing he's saying that because he realizes that the judge made one ruling in my favour so far, which means that this is not as cut and dry as he originally thought. I told him that unless he was willing to give me full custody and go on his medication, there was nothing that we could negotiate. He scoffed and told me that I would never get full custody. I told him that we had nothing further to discuss. He went on to say that pimps and drug dealers get joint custody and he is not as bad as them, so he won't lose his custodial rights. THAT made me angry.
I asked him how he could deny the abuse in the legal documents. How he could deny hitting me and the children. How could he do that and expect that I would negotiate anything with him moving forward. He acknowledged the abuse (man I need a tape recorder for the next time!), and that he was wrong with the children. I told him that unless he was willing to change his statement for the courts, I have nothing to discuss with him. He cannot lie before the courts and expect that I will respect him or work with him after that. You cannot silence the people that you hurt. He did this to me, and now he is doing this to the children. I told him that I had confidence in the legal system and in God and that these are his (God's) children and that I don't believe they will be hurt further.
My final answer- if you have something to discuss, get your lawyer to call my lawyer. I will not meet you, I will not negotiate with you, and I have no respect for you.
Oh ya, and if you ever touch my kids again, I will rip you to shreds. Take my word on that.
Then I hung up.
So much for Ramadan Spirit. He brings out the worst in me. I think it's my protective mechanism with the children. I would take a bullet for these kids. Let's just hope I never have to.
Yesterday, my ex called for the kids. It was the first telephone call that he attempted since our court date on Tuesday. He spoke to the children for awhile and then asked my son to put the phone on speaker. They talked for awhile longer and he started talking about Eid plans. As background, the judge decided that on Eid (which will be Saturday thanks to the scientific committee), the children will be with their father until 2pm and with me after that. He is having difficulty finding a supervisor on the Eid weekend. He asked to speak to me. I picked up the handset so the children wouldn't hear. He basically wanted to break the weekend into 3 days with chunks of 4 hrs per day so he wouldn't have to arrange supervision. (Recall that the courts ordered that any visits shorter than 4 hrs would not require supervision). Since I have a henna party at my house Friday night (and would love to have my daughter here for it), I figured this would work well. That and the fact that he can never do their hair/dress them as well as I can. So the deal is he will have a visit for 4 hrs on Friday evening, return them to me, I will dress them for prayer Sat morning, he will take them from 9:30/10am to about 2pm and then he will see them again Sunday morning for 4 hrs. That works out well too because I have a sushi lunch with the girls on Sunday afternoon.
I think I prefer the 4hr chunks because I can keep checking on the kids to make sure they are OK, he doesn't get a long enough period with them to go nuts on them, and I get to have more time with them. It worked out for both of us. I feel more comfortable around the children's mental and physical well being, and he doesn't have to inconvenience his family.
Then came the next part. Give an inch of airspace and he takes a mile. He went on and on about how we should settle out of court. I'm guessing he's saying that because he realizes that the judge made one ruling in my favour so far, which means that this is not as cut and dry as he originally thought. I told him that unless he was willing to give me full custody and go on his medication, there was nothing that we could negotiate. He scoffed and told me that I would never get full custody. I told him that we had nothing further to discuss. He went on to say that pimps and drug dealers get joint custody and he is not as bad as them, so he won't lose his custodial rights. THAT made me angry.
I asked him how he could deny the abuse in the legal documents. How he could deny hitting me and the children. How could he do that and expect that I would negotiate anything with him moving forward. He acknowledged the abuse (man I need a tape recorder for the next time!), and that he was wrong with the children. I told him that unless he was willing to change his statement for the courts, I have nothing to discuss with him. He cannot lie before the courts and expect that I will respect him or work with him after that. You cannot silence the people that you hurt. He did this to me, and now he is doing this to the children. I told him that I had confidence in the legal system and in God and that these are his (God's) children and that I don't believe they will be hurt further.
My final answer- if you have something to discuss, get your lawyer to call my lawyer. I will not meet you, I will not negotiate with you, and I have no respect for you.
Oh ya, and if you ever touch my kids again, I will rip you to shreds. Take my word on that.
Then I hung up.
So much for Ramadan Spirit. He brings out the worst in me. I think it's my protective mechanism with the children. I would take a bullet for these kids. Let's just hope I never have to.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Seeing the Truth
My good friend called me the other day to tell me that she had read the blog entry about my daughter's teacher. She had such a refreshing perspective that it stuck with me. I am still in awe at some people's ability to see the silver lining.
She told me it was such a gift that the teacher had the candid conversation with me. "How blessed you are to be told about something like that when you had no clue! Now you can gather whatever you need to help your daughter through this difficult time. Had it not been for that teacher and the conversation, you would never have known how bad it was for her, and you would have found out when she was very severely impacted".
How true. I never thought of it that way.
I was too busy crying and feeling bad for my daughter to realize that perhaps, as sad as this is, I can do something to help her. I am, after all, the adult, and my children are my responsibility. And she's right...being told about something like that is a blessing.
Thanks Saji-for the pep talk. I still feel bad for my daughter, and a bit guilty for the circumstances that brought her here, but you're right. I am very lucky to have been given the information earlier rather than later.
True friends never let you drown in your sorrow for long :)
She told me it was such a gift that the teacher had the candid conversation with me. "How blessed you are to be told about something like that when you had no clue! Now you can gather whatever you need to help your daughter through this difficult time. Had it not been for that teacher and the conversation, you would never have known how bad it was for her, and you would have found out when she was very severely impacted".
How true. I never thought of it that way.
I was too busy crying and feeling bad for my daughter to realize that perhaps, as sad as this is, I can do something to help her. I am, after all, the adult, and my children are my responsibility. And she's right...being told about something like that is a blessing.
Thanks Saji-for the pep talk. I still feel bad for my daughter, and a bit guilty for the circumstances that brought her here, but you're right. I am very lucky to have been given the information earlier rather than later.
True friends never let you drown in your sorrow for long :)
Still Trying to Unwind
I think all the stress leading up to the court day this week has built up in me. I feel drained, even now, and my neck is all tense. I went to the chiro and for a massage tonight, so I'm hoping I will finally be able to sleep.
It's odd. On the one hand, I keep thinking, what a waste- if the guy would just take his meds, this would be so much easier. The children would have a good father, I would be able to avoid all the extra stress, and I wouldn't be draining my finances (aka line of credit) with lawyer's fees. Ex husbands are a pain.
On the other hand, I cannot worry about him, or his meds, because it is totally out of my hands. All I can do is continue to care for these little souls whose well being, both emotional and physical, I have been entrusted with.
My daughter is sleeping in her bed, right here next to me as I type this entry. :)
And that sight- right there, is what keeps me going when I am at my lowest point. Bless her.
It's odd. On the one hand, I keep thinking, what a waste- if the guy would just take his meds, this would be so much easier. The children would have a good father, I would be able to avoid all the extra stress, and I wouldn't be draining my finances (aka line of credit) with lawyer's fees. Ex husbands are a pain.
On the other hand, I cannot worry about him, or his meds, because it is totally out of my hands. All I can do is continue to care for these little souls whose well being, both emotional and physical, I have been entrusted with.
My daughter is sleeping in her bed, right here next to me as I type this entry. :)
And that sight- right there, is what keeps me going when I am at my lowest point. Bless her.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
A Sense of Calm
This morning I feel somewhat calm. My nerves are still frazzled from all the events leading up to yesterday, and I feel very much like I need a massage and a day off. But I think I'm OK for now. I feel calm enough to go into the office and manage through the day. I have taken Friday off this week, so it will be an extra long weekend anyhow, and I plan to spend Friday on myself- massage, chiropractor, etc. I think I can manage until Friday.
It's weird- part of me feels relief, the other part wonders what else he will have up his sleeve for Nov 27. Like my chiropractor said, never back a man into a corner, because he will come out of it ruthless, as he has nothing to lose. I suppose I should just take one day at a time and be grateful for the peace I can have for the next few weeks.
Physically and emotionally, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. I'm glad that the children will be protected for the next little while. Happy that there is some relief from this stress and eternally grateful to those of you who flooded my voicemail and email with your kind words of support and encouragement.
I have no major meetings at the office today, so it will be more of a 'catch up' day which is probably a good thing. I've been so preoccupied with this case that I have parked a few things at the office. Friday will be my day to rest.
It's weird- part of me feels relief, the other part wonders what else he will have up his sleeve for Nov 27. Like my chiropractor said, never back a man into a corner, because he will come out of it ruthless, as he has nothing to lose. I suppose I should just take one day at a time and be grateful for the peace I can have for the next few weeks.
Physically and emotionally, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. I'm glad that the children will be protected for the next little while. Happy that there is some relief from this stress and eternally grateful to those of you who flooded my voicemail and email with your kind words of support and encouragement.
I have no major meetings at the office today, so it will be more of a 'catch up' day which is probably a good thing. I've been so preoccupied with this case that I have parked a few things at the office. Friday will be my day to rest.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Court Appearance #2- Four Hours Later...
You heard correctly. The judge had given us an emergency date for today, allowing us time from 2-3:30 in her courtroom. We went from 2-5:30, an hour and a half past when the courtroom closes, and we had to wait another 30 minutes for her endorsement. I honestly should have been a lawyer.
I am a bit shell shocked. His lawyer was pretty harsh. He started off painting me as an erratic nut, and made his client look like father of the year. No word of a lie. You know those animated lawyers who point fingers at the opposing parties as they shout across the courtroom? Yep, that was his lawyer. My lawyer is right. Personalities between lawyers and clients always seem to match up. Thankfully, my lawyer was pretty darn good in the courtroom. She comes across firm, but very polite, but she knows her stuff.
Anyhow, it overall went well. I don't think I could have asked for much more (except a police enforceable order, which I didn't get). Basically, she (the judge) said that our file was so large that she needed a few more weeks to read through and send an interim endorsement. That should be ready by early November. Not sure what else she needs to add to it, or what this means, but I have no choice. We go back to court on November 27th. Here is what was granted, as well as what will happen between now and November 27th:
And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. At least, for 4 weeks...But man, I am SO mentally and physically exhausted from today. I need a spa day or something.
I am a bit shell shocked. His lawyer was pretty harsh. He started off painting me as an erratic nut, and made his client look like father of the year. No word of a lie. You know those animated lawyers who point fingers at the opposing parties as they shout across the courtroom? Yep, that was his lawyer. My lawyer is right. Personalities between lawyers and clients always seem to match up. Thankfully, my lawyer was pretty darn good in the courtroom. She comes across firm, but very polite, but she knows her stuff.
Anyhow, it overall went well. I don't think I could have asked for much more (except a police enforceable order, which I didn't get). Basically, she (the judge) said that our file was so large that she needed a few more weeks to read through and send an interim endorsement. That should be ready by early November. Not sure what else she needs to add to it, or what this means, but I have no choice. We go back to court on November 27th. Here is what was granted, as well as what will happen between now and November 27th:
- Despite my ex's pleas for more time with the kids, his request was denied
- She refused to grant either of us sole custody this early in the game, but said that she did agree in the passing that this would likely be a sole custodial situation when we are done (thank GOD)
- She recommended that we start an assessment from an individual assessor no later than Nov 1. An assessment takes 6 months to complete and basically looks at the mental stability of both parents, their parenting skills, and responsibility, as well as other factors- conflict between parents etc, and makes a recommendation to the courts around custody and access. This will cost us about $15k total, $7.5k each
- In the meantime, until we go back to court in November, she has agreed that my ex's visitation with the children shall be loosely supervised if the visit spans longer than 4 hours. (Loosely means the supervisor has to be in the same home as my ex, but not necessarily in the same room at the same time). I guess her rationale for that is that it is unlikely that he will go ballistic on the kids in a less than 4 hr visit? Either way, there is only ONE visit that is less than 4 hrs and that is on Halloween, my daughter's bday where we have to share the time with her. Other than that, they are overnights every other weekend.
- I have been granted permission to decide on who can supervise, and I have been given rights to a telephone number, which I can call during his visitation to check on the kids and make sure that they are OK. This is a big deal, because previously, he would take off with the kids and not pick up my calls. Now the supervisor is obliged to take my calls and failure to do so means I can decline them as a supervisor.
- I have been granted the right to travel with the children outside the country, without his permission, provided I have told him where I am going (an FYI) as well as given him a number where we can be reached. This is a big deal, as he had requested that I not leave within 75km of my home with the kids.
- I have been granted the right to keep the kids in therapy, and he has to pay 50% of these sessions
- She did not make the order police enforceable. Her rationale was that we are returning to court on Nov 27th and that given the court ordered supervised visits, he shouldn't be acting up or it will work against him on the 27th. She further didn't like the police intervention as it can be abused
- She still wants 4 weeks to decide what our interim order will be while we go through the assessment. This bothers me a bit...what is she going to do? Can she change her decision around supervision in these 4 weeks? Can she add more access into the mix? I hate the uncertainty.
And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. At least, for 4 weeks...But man, I am SO mentally and physically exhausted from today. I need a spa day or something.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Anxiously Waiting
I wish it were this time tomorrow because this process would be overwith (well-day one of a year and a half long court battle would be overwith).
I went to see my chiropractor today. On Thursday, I rear ended someone at a stop light. That would be my first at fault accident since I was 16. My insurance rates will take a hit. Life is nice, isn't it? When it rains, it pours.
Anyhow, my chiropractor said to take it as a gift. I was at a low speed, nobody got hurt (not even me, despite the previous back injury), and perhaps it was a sign to take it slower, before something major happens. I mean, I wasn't even on the phone! Anyhow, I'll just chalk this up as part of life. It's already been bugging me for days, so I need to let this one go now. It is what it is.
Then, today, I was heading to a meeting at our Bloor/Islington Office. I had to pick up something at St George first and wasn't paying attention when I got on the subway. I was so engrossed in God-knows-what that it took me 7 stops to realize that I had gotten on the Northbound train instead of the Westbound one. That was a total blonde moment. Needless to say, I was late for the meeting. 30 minutes late. Sigh.
Anyhow, I was telling my chiropractor about the status of the case. She and I go back about 8 years, so she has watched much of this unfold. She basically said that his reaction to my documents is somewhat predictable. Never push a man into a corner, because once he has nothing to lose and nowhere to go, he will fight hard and dirty and all integrity goes out the window. How true. We both agreed that I didn't have a choice but to go through this process, but we also agreed that he is just plain cruel, so you can't expect any amount of integrity from him. She offered to give me a character witness or an affidavit. That was kind of her. Funny how some people will go out of their way for you when you really need them, while others sit back and watch. Yet again, this has been a great learning experience for me.
Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow. I seriously doubt I will get any sleep. I had scheduled the day off work tomorrow, but there is one meeting that I didn't feel I should miss so I am going into the office for 10am. Then I will leave at 11 and get to the courthouse for 1:30. In hindsight, maybe it's better that I'm keeping busy in the morning. If I were home, I might have just cried myself to oblivion and showed up at the courthouse with puffy eyes. That just wouldn't be good.
Anyhow, I did take a couple of hours off this afternoon. I went and watched the children in Tae Kwan Do class and then took them to the park. I thought it was fitting to focus the night before court on the children.
I went to see my chiropractor today. On Thursday, I rear ended someone at a stop light. That would be my first at fault accident since I was 16. My insurance rates will take a hit. Life is nice, isn't it? When it rains, it pours.
Anyhow, my chiropractor said to take it as a gift. I was at a low speed, nobody got hurt (not even me, despite the previous back injury), and perhaps it was a sign to take it slower, before something major happens. I mean, I wasn't even on the phone! Anyhow, I'll just chalk this up as part of life. It's already been bugging me for days, so I need to let this one go now. It is what it is.
Then, today, I was heading to a meeting at our Bloor/Islington Office. I had to pick up something at St George first and wasn't paying attention when I got on the subway. I was so engrossed in God-knows-what that it took me 7 stops to realize that I had gotten on the Northbound train instead of the Westbound one. That was a total blonde moment. Needless to say, I was late for the meeting. 30 minutes late. Sigh.
Anyhow, I was telling my chiropractor about the status of the case. She and I go back about 8 years, so she has watched much of this unfold. She basically said that his reaction to my documents is somewhat predictable. Never push a man into a corner, because once he has nothing to lose and nowhere to go, he will fight hard and dirty and all integrity goes out the window. How true. We both agreed that I didn't have a choice but to go through this process, but we also agreed that he is just plain cruel, so you can't expect any amount of integrity from him. She offered to give me a character witness or an affidavit. That was kind of her. Funny how some people will go out of their way for you when you really need them, while others sit back and watch. Yet again, this has been a great learning experience for me.
Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow. I seriously doubt I will get any sleep. I had scheduled the day off work tomorrow, but there is one meeting that I didn't feel I should miss so I am going into the office for 10am. Then I will leave at 11 and get to the courthouse for 1:30. In hindsight, maybe it's better that I'm keeping busy in the morning. If I were home, I might have just cried myself to oblivion and showed up at the courthouse with puffy eyes. That just wouldn't be good.
Anyhow, I did take a couple of hours off this afternoon. I went and watched the children in Tae Kwan Do class and then took them to the park. I thought it was fitting to focus the night before court on the children.
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