Is God Really that Good?

This is the question from my little guy tonight. Here is the background and reasoning behind his question.

He started off by asking how much "power" God has. I told him it was infinite power. God can do anything, even miracles. He proceeded to ask what is important to God. I replied that it's important to him that we conduct ourselves in a manner that is "good" and that we do everything we can to adhere to the "rules" that we are given- no lying, cheating, hurting others etc.

See, I don't think I'm fit to answer these questions, because I don't even think I know the answers myself to be honest. This has been a long path, and I seem to have taken the ultra scenic winding route to get here. I've gotten lost many times, and yet my journey continues. So how can I give suitable or appropriate answers about faith and God to my 7 year old boy?

Anyhow, I told him that we believe in God's infinite mercy. He looked at me for a second and said "Nope. You're wrong".

UM- OK- unless someone came and gave you, Mr. 7-yr-old, the cheat sheets to the Bible/Quran/whatever book you believe in, I really don't think I'm that wrong. But ok, why do YOU think I'm wrong?

"Why's that honey?"

"Because if God were that good he would only let goodness happen. And if he is that good, but he lets badness happen, then he isn't that powerful, because he didn't stop the badness. So either God isn't that good, or he isn't that powerful. Which is it?

Oh...my...God. Deductive reasoning from my 7 year old. I REALLY am not equipped to handle this...

Um- honey- what are you talking about? Honestly, he is good, and he does have infinite power...

"Ya right. If he were good, would he give a boy like me the meanest dad in the world? Wouldn't he use his power to stop all the mean things he says and does? Yes he would. But he doesn't. So he's not that good at all. And he doesn't protect us."

"Sure he does..."

"Nope- because I still cry alot cuz of my dad".

"He sent me to protect you. And that's what I've been doing. And I'm doing my best to make sure that you are always protected. You have to help me help you honey. If something happens, then you have to tell me so that..."

"That's it? He makes you protect me? Why can't HE protect me? Why doesn't he just freeze my dad when he's going to do something mean, or make his brain think like a nice person? Why doesn't he do something? I'm a little boy. I can't stop my dad. But God can. And he chooses not to".

I really have no answer for my son. I don't. Because I've been there. All those nights that I spent crying from the pain of the bruises, I asked the very same question- why did He allow this to happen? And I was just as angry then. The anger is going away now, but every now and then it resurfaces. And I'm seeing it in my son, and I have NO clue how to help, or what to say. After all, the real issue here isn't about God. It's about my son feeling unprotected, unsafe, and somewhat alone. It's about a man getting away with things he shouldn't be allowed to get away with and this reaction to God, this is just my son showing his frustration, and using his reality to shape his understanding of justice within the world.

And to think- my ex's lawyer says that I'm being mean spirited, and that I'm trying to manipulate the children by not letting him have more access. Yes, please...let's give the man more access. I can only imagine what kind of crap my son would be thinking up in that case. Like he isn't getting messed up enough as it is.

Sometimes I do wonder when God will answer our prayers. Tonight a little boy showed his loss in faith. I'm hoping something somewhere soon will help us bring it back. I think right now, all my eggs are in one basket. This court case JUST HAS to go my way. Keep your fingers crossed. Oh and a prayer or two wouldn't hurt, either...

Lunch with Syd's Girlfriend

I had lunch with Syd's girlfriend today. I have been putting this off since December. I'm not sure if the delay was deliberate, or subconscious, but I've been meaning to meet with her forever. We have kept in touch via email on a weekly basis, but we never got the chance to meet. Perhaps I just wasn't ready before. Today I felt much more ready.

She is lovely. I can totally see why he loved her so much. I really admire her strength of character. In the time since his death, she has kept in touch with Syd's kids, relatives, and friends. She has done everything she could to understand him, to respect his decision and to try to move on. I'm not sure if given the same situation I would have been able to do the same.

I do know that there was much more to him than I ever thought. I didn't know about his depression, that it had lasted so many years. He was great at hiding it. He was the one that kept the level head, that people turned to with their problems. I don't think any of us knew how tormented he was. Between her explanation of his last days, and the things that I know about him (both of which are very different), I can definitely see the pressures he was under, and how it must have been tearing him apart. He confided in me, but only to a limit. He confided in his girlfriend about other things, different things, but only to a limit. I wish one of us could have seen this coming, or that somehow both of us could have met earlier, pieced together the jigsaw puzzle of his life with the different information around his last days that each of us had, and perhaps helped him sooner. Then again, I'm not sure either of us could have stopped him. He was one stubborn man...

I did realize something else too. All those times I talked about my ex's behaviour. I need to be more careful. I told him "Who goes out and goes for a jog/walk at 3am? CRAZY PEOPLE!".... Little did I know that HE was one of those people going for walks at weird hours of the night to clear his head. I knew he had a lot going on. I knew about his emotional pressures and financial pressures. He spoke about them to me on many occasions. I knew he wasn't doing well. I just didn't realize that there was this whole other side to him. All those times I talked about my ex in detail, all those depression stories I told him, all the judgement I had in my voice.....if I had known, I would have been more careful what I said and how I said it. I guess that's a life lesson. I mean I knew him for 10 years, and we were SO close. He was one of my dearest friends. But I guess even when you know someone, you never fully know them, so you have to be more sensitive around the things you say.

Syd knew all the details of my life. The abuse, my ex, even about Mr. NYC (to my surprise, his girlfriend was happy to hear that things are still going well with him). I guess Syd shared much of my life with her, and I'm actually glad. It shows how much he cared. She knew about my ex, the abuse, the kids, my fears. Funny how much he knew about me, and how despite how well I thought I knew him, I really missed such a big piece of who he was, and what he was going through. No, not funny...sad, actually. He was here for me, but I wasn't really a source of enough support for him. I did try though. I was going to take him to the EAP, he just managed to find his own way out of it...

I still haven't gone to the cemetery, and I don't think I want to. I think I have as much closure as I'm going to get. I'm not going to open the emotional floodgates again. I think they need to remain closed for the next while.

Rest in Peace my friend. You were a wonderful source of support, and I wish I could have done more to help you. I will continue to pray for you.

Chillaxing

I had a decent weekend. I mostly did work, but I did it all at my own pace. I worked on some personal paperwork for most of the weekend, and spent the bulk of the day re-organizing my closet, going through clothes, and purging out things that I held onto for sentimental reasons. I'm feeling pretty good, but still pretty tired.

The stress herbs that I have been on are awesome. I feel like I'm handing life alot better. I feel calmer, and I'm sleeping at night. The weight loss (mostly from the diet) and the elimination of the acne is pretty awesome too. I'm loving this. Let's hope it keeps up...

The kids came home safe and sound. They seem a bit more uprooted than usual, a bit edgy etc, so I'm spending the evening at home to give them a sense of calm.

I got a letter from my ex's jerky lawyer on Friday. They actually had the audacity to say that my ex is a great father, and that the CAS cleared him on two occasions, so the only reason I am trying to give him supervised visits to the children is because I'm mean spirited, vindictive, and that I am likely coaching the children into being afraid of their father. WTF is that all about? I was seriously ticked off. And then I realized that of course they are going to say that. They have nothing else to say, and they can't have concrete evidence, because it isn't remotely true. Mr. Abusive can't escape his own actions this time.

Just wait...cuz I have a game plan. Part of that plan involves patience. My ducks will be in a row soon enough if all goes well. I feel this is my last chance to save and protect my children, and I have been working diligently at just that. And yeah, any more of this crap and I'm going to start going on the slander/defamation of character front and nailing them for that too. But like I said, I'm still calm at the moment. And it's been serving me well. My lawyer once said to me that if you give a man enough rope, he'll hang himself. I think she was right. My crazy ex husband just can't help himself. No matter how hard he tries, his natural crazy side comes right out, and the world gets to watch, and I get to take notes :)

So here I am, Sunday night, on the couch, laptop on lap, legs stretched out, blogging. This is nice. The children are just a couple of feet away colouring in their brand new colouring books and being the total picture of serenity. I love it when they get along like this. Thankfully, that is most of the time.

I'll start putting them to bed in an hour or so. In the meantime, I'll go finish the laundry. No more chillaxing...it was fun though.

Movies Movies Movies

This was my marathon movie weekend. On Friday, my team had an afternoon off at work, and we had lunch/movie/dessert. It was nice. I spent a bit of the morning on the phone with my lawyer, and with the school making sure the children arrived there safely, but I have to say, the afternoon was great. We saw the transformers movie, which I think was quite well done. I had a nice time with the guys (I work on a team where I'm the only gal, but that's not why it was a nice time :P).

On Friday evening, I picked up the children from my mom and dad's place (I had my dad pick them up early for me so my ex couldn't get at them). They seemed fine. Later that evening, my son and I had a chat. I told him that the only way I could protect him from harm was to do what I have to in order to make sure that their dad doesn't hurt him. I told him that his dad would never have gone to jail, that I was just calling because I didn't know where he was and I went to the police because my kids were gone when they weren't supposed to be. The police were just trying to make sure they were OK. That was all. He seemed comfortable with my response. I was a bit worried that he might make the deduction that if he doesn't want his dad in trouble, he should stop telling me stuff. Fortunately, that hasn't happened...yet.

Yesterday, I went to see Ratatouille with the kids and some girlfriends. We all had fun. (I know, sad that marathon movies is two movies right? But think- how many single moms watch two movies in one weekend? Correction- how many have the time? I rest my case!).

Today, I went to the gym, and for some reason, I am exhausted. I feel like a beached whale. I went to the gym yesterday as well, and pushed myself extra hard both times, mostly to get rid of the stress. Now I feel a bit overexerted. On the plus side, I guess I will sleep well tonight.

One of my colleagues at the office started 'fat blogging'. I think he's a brave guy. I personally couldn't do it. I think I would die if I had to tell anyone my weight. Maybe it's a girl thing. I just know that I have been on this stress herb thing for 2.5 months, working out 3x a week, and eating no carbs. I've lost 20 lbs, but I think I only look like I've lost 6. That pretty much sums up how bad I must be. When you lose 20lbs and everyone says "hey you look like you *might* be losing weight", damn. That's bad. I wonder what people would say if I lose another 15? "wow you look like you've lost 10lbs?". That will be the point in time when my carb deprived self punches someone in the face.

I feel better now. Physical stress out at the gym. Mental stress out on the blog. I will sleep well tonight. My naturopath would say its the herbs. I say its my venting sessions.

You Need a POLICE ENFORCEABLE Court Order!

So I'm just reflecting on the events of last night. I have found so many bloody loopholes in the law that I don't even know where to start. Here's loophole number 2 million and twenty five- You need a friggin "Police Enforceable" court order, or it's not police enforceable. So now please tell me- what the hell did I spent $25k in lawyers fees for back in 2004? I mean, I thought the whole point of a court order was that if you don't abide by it, you are breaking the law. If you break the law, the authorities should be able to assist. Right? Wrong.

I think that the only thing that actually kept me sane was that earlier in the day, I had read my girlfriend's blog, and she had a link/discussion about this TV documentary. I actually commented on her blog about how much of an eye opener it was (it was heart wrenching), and that sometimes, even in the worst of times we need to remember that we have it significantly better than others in the world. We have a lot to be grateful for. So while I was going through this, I kept reminding myself of what I had read earlier yesterday (Thanks Saji!), and I think it kept me in check.

So an overview of yesterday:

• My son had a soccer game at 6:30
• I was rushing home to get him from Tae Kwan Do
• Running late, I asked Rich to pick him up for me
• At 5:30, Rich calls me and tells me that HIS DAD picked him up
• I'm panicking. I call the summer camp and ask how the **@@ this can happen. She is apologizing profusely and calls my ex demanding that he return the kids. Naturally, being the gentleman that he is (NOT!) he tells her where to go
• I text message my ex, (no reply), I try calling his cell (no answer). I'm not surprised, but at least I tried!
  
• I'm debating what to do, but even as I'm trying to figure it out, I find myself in the parking lot of the Mississauga Police Station (honestly, half the time I have no clue where I'm driving. I think my driving radar has a mind of its own, because I was still trying to figure out what to do when I arrived there. It's like Voodoo sense!)
• I go into the police station, and ask an officer to help me. I explain that it was just earlier that morning that my lawyer sent a letter to his lawyer advising that he is never to go to the children's school without my explicit written permission. He is so bloody defiant!
• I tell the officer that I have a court order. It says that although we have joint custody, the children reside with me, and their father can see them only at times agreed upon by both parties. He asks me if it says "Police enforceable" across the top. I tell him I'm pretty sure it doesn't. He tells me that he cannot help
• Apparently, in custody and access situations, the police cannot get involved unless the order says police enforceable. So my question is- what the heck is the current order good for anyways? I mean really- what's the point? Shouldn't ALL orders be police enforceable? Isn't that why we have court orders?
• So I clarify- OK- So a bipolar man who is not on his meds just picked up the children from school without my knowledge and they can't help? I mean come on! Isn't that like kidnapping? --Not if he has joint custody. I see. This is stupid.
• So I keep pushing (I'm very persuasive), and he agrees to call my ex to see how the kids are doing, and where he is at. It turns out he is at his parent's home (where he now resides), and he has the children with him. He refuses to bring them back, stating that these are his children, and he has a right to be with them. While they are on the phone, my cell rings, and it's my son, asking if it's true that I called the police on his father. He sounds very alarmed and is begging me to stop. I feel like I'm the culprit. I ask if he's OK, he says yes, and I say that I'm worried and he says "please don't do this". I feel like crap. I never wanted my son stuck between both of us. He's worried that his dad will go to jail. I'm worried that I may not see my kids again.
  
• Apparently, my ex knows what he's doing. It's no surprise to me that he picked this timing either. My lawyer just left for a two week vacation on Wed. He knows I'm SOL right now. This was deliberate.
• I keep pushing the officer to bring my kids home. He agrees to see what he can do. He tells me to go home and find the court order, and he will send an officer to my home. In hindsight, I think he just wanted to get rid of me. I get home by 6:30, pull out the order and wait. All I can say is THANK GOD he doesn't have their passports.
• At 12:30 am (yes you read correctly- 6 hours later, despite my many follow up calls), the police arrive at my home, look at the order and say "you're right, he wasn't supposed to take the kids. We can't get them back, because this order is not police enforceable, but we can go over and check to make sure they are OK. That's all that we can do". Um, dude, it's 12:30 in the morning. IF the kids are there, they're probably sleeping. I'm told that the children will be woken up so that the officers can speak to them. I'm freaking out. I can only imagine how scared they will be if they are woken up in the middle of the night by police officers. But at this point, if I want a record that any of this happened, I have to agree, so I do.
• At 2 am, the police call me and tell me that the children are perfectly fine, and that he intends to have them back at summer camp in the morning. I breathe a sigh of relief. Then they tell me that he has documentation that says he can have the kids on Thursdays. I suspect he is referring to my email to him a few months back when he was still with his wife. At that time, I agreed to let him have access on Thursdays. When I heard of their separation, and the second CAS case opened (which just closed on Wed), I outlined through my lawyers many times that this was not going to continue. Clearly, he "forgot" to show the officers those papers. Gotta love his "selective" memory...

The really scary thing about all this is that I asked the officers what would happen if he never returned the kids. I mean what if he kept them the rest of the summer? They said that they still wouldn't help me, and that I would have to go to the courts for an enforceable order.

Wow...the system sucks. We need to tell all women...if you get a court order, make sure it is police enforceable!

The Security Blanket

This is so sad...it totally broke my heart. Two to three weeks ago, my daughter was looking through the linen closet, and pulled out an old Winnie the Pooh blanket from when she was little. She must not have used this blanket for at least three years. The sad part is she instantly held it to her face, said "soft, I like it", and hasn't put it down since. She wraps it around her body as she goes about her day, sleeps with it at night, holds onto it while watching tv. Basically, it's become her security blanket.

My daughter is 5. She's never had a security blanket before.

At first, I thought it was cute (yet, a bit concerning), but I let it go and didn't say anything. Two weeks later, I became really concerned, and was debating whether or not to take it away from her. I was thinking that maybe it wasn't healthy for her to carry around a security blanket. I mean, she never needed it before, and isn't she a bit old for that?

So, I called my therapist/friend Graham. His professional opinion- don't you dare take it away from her. Yes it's VERY concerning that she needs it, but she has found a physical object that is able to provide her with emotional comfort. Clearly, things are emotionally not good for her and she needs the extra crutch. Yes she is regressing. Yes it is concerning, but it's still healthier for her to have it as long as it's doing what she needs it to do. Ride it out.

OK- Fine. I can ride it out. But man, that had me in tears. I am doing the best I can to help keep my children in a good space. But along comes Mr. Jerko to topple everything over.

I just hope she feels better soon. I guess I have no option but to watch how long she needs the blankie. Let's hope that she feels emotionally stronger soon.

Thank God I've found an emotionally stronger space lately. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but it's definitely keeping me better equipped to help my children.

But just in case- Do they make security blankies for adults? Hmm- maybe they should...

Two Legal Battles...

...means more confusion and chaos for him.

My ex is getting divorced. That is the official news I heard today from several official sources. I wonder how it will be for him to fight two ex wives in court at the same time? I'm guessing he will try to be smart and avoid the court battle with her.

Oh come on, don't act surprised. You all know how insane he is. I'm sure it was just a matter of time before she saw the signs too. I can't help feeling bad for her though. She didn't do anything to deserve this mess. She just kind of fell into it.

The funny thing about my ex is that he is a smooth talker. He knows how to win people over, he just doesn't know how to keep the act up, or rather, make it a part of his regular routine.

Can you say dumbass?

Return of the Nightmare

I wonder why these are coming back so vividly. This is messed up. I haven't had the "abuse" flashbacks for over a year I think. Now, all of a sudden, they just creep up on me. Honestly, just when you think you are going to manage, things go all weird. Not that it's messing me up or anything. I don't think the flashbacks are derailing my life. And, they aren't as terrifying as they once were. They are just more like memories now...just bad ones I guess.

I was talking with the children's therapist today and well, she asked what I was so afraid of. Not that she didn't think that my ex is a freak. I mean, I'm pretty sure she knows how messed up he is, the kids do after all, tell her everything. I just think that she wanted to know how badly he had hurt me when we were together. Perhaps it was for context, perhaps it was to better understand why I am so deathly afraid to have him around the children. Then she asked me if he ever hit me in a cruel malicious way, meaning where there was more than just a loss of temper...and then I remembered it again.

It's not that I haven't remembered this instance before, because I have. In fact, I think I've told it to one other person, and I think it was my office friend. I have remembered this very instance about two or three times before, but this time, sitting in her office, it was just more intense.

It was about a couple of years after we were married. We lived together in a small basement apartment. One night, as we were getting ready for bed, we had a small argument. I remember it well, because he became angrier and angrier as we argued. I remember telling him to cool down, that it was just a small argument, and I remember him telling me to "shut up" and to shut my mouth. I remember him turning around and out of the blue just punching me in the face. I was wearing glasses. He hit me in the eye. The glass broke, and all of a sudden, I couldn't see from that eye. I remember crying and saying that I was blind in that eye, that I couldn't see, and that I needed to get to a doctor. He told me to shut up and to stop faking it. I told him to listen to me, that I needed a doctor. He refused to help me. Somewhere deep inside, I got enough courage to tell him that if he didn't get me to a hospital, I would call my father, and that if I did that, my dad would come over and kick his ass first, and then take me to a hospital. Of course, that pissed him off. He told me that I was mouthy, he then took my glasses off my face, broke them into two pieces, and threw them across the room. He then went to the fusebox, took out all the fuses, so the place went dark. He put them in his pocket, took all the keys to the house and left. Just before shutting the door behind him, he yelled out "You wanna see blind? NOW you know what it feels like to be blind". And he slammed the door.

I spent that entire night crying in a corner of the room. He didn't come home that night. I was only 22 years old then. It was dark, I couldn't see without my glasses, and the cordless telephones didn't work without the power. It was around midnight, so I couldn't exactly wake the neighbours. And with my negative 7 vision (colours blend when I'm not wearing glasses), I couldn't exactly go out on the street looking for a payphone, so I was stuck in the house. Alone.

Many moons later (today), I still remember that night. I remember how I felt. I remember his cruelty. I remember that he didn't care. This is the same man who has joint custody of my children. There is NO justice in this world.

I think the biggest thing I fear is his mean side. I mean, this isn't a man who just loses his temper. He has a really really malicious mean streak. He is the type of guy who would not just hurt, but torture. Most people aren't like that. It's not normal for a human to think that way. I fear the day when one of my children stands up/mouths off to him. That will be the day that he takes all his temper out on them. He will freak out on them like he did on me. All I can do is prepare them. Did you think it was a coincidence that I have my children enrolled in Martial Arts classes? I want them both to be blackbelts one day. Then they can protect themselves in ways that I couldn't protect myself. A good mother learns from her mistakes. A good mother teaches her children how to learn from them as well.

Like I said before, I am doing EVERYTHING I can to protect my children. The last three years of my life has been dedicated to it so far. I'll be damned if I let him win. I will not let my children go through what I went through. And if somehow he gets to me and does something to me before I get to see him in court, well, we have my will, this blog, and a trail of therapy notes to help the children...And that ladies and gentlemen is why a woman should never stay silent. I finally get it. My children can only save themselves if they speak out against their dad. I can only save them if I do the same.