New Job

It's official, I'll be moving to a new role at work on May 14. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, I'm gonna miss my old role. It's kind of a weird feeling. I was doing that for over 8 years. Talk about not giving change much of a chance.

I think I got too much into my comfort zone. I could do this job in my sleep, and that isn't good. That's when you know your brain is just going stale on a daily basis. Not that my new job will be THAT much of a stretch, but it will be a new environment, new people, new work, new routine. I think I need a fresh start.

As I forwarded the announcement to others today, without thinking, I sent it to Syd. Sometimes, I don't know what's wrong with me. Just when I think that his death won't bother me anymore, I find it coming back. I REALLY miss him. It's so weird...I think I'm losing my mind. I actually think people look like him when I'm walking down the street. It's like...I don't know. I guess I really feel the void some days more than others. He was such an awesome sounding board, and a great friend. Those are just hard to replace, and hard to get by without.

On the court front, my ex and I have decided not to proceed to court. We're going to try the "be civil and co-parent" route. Again. This never worked the first time, so I'm not sure that it will work this time. Who knows. It's better than wasting 40k in court. 40k that I don't have. Honestly, I hate the system here. This is all just wrong. Now I have to work with him and pretend that nothing happened. Where is the justice?

On another note, I'm starting to see small signs of my former eating disorder. I keep fearing that it will start to creep back. I keep fighting it, but I can totally feel it. It's the weirdest thing, because I had it way back in high school. Since then, I have been consciously aware of it, making sure that it's always in check, but I've never felt any of it again. This time, the negative thoughts are most definitely back, but I just haven't acted on them, and I'm hoping that I never will. I'm going to have to go back to my MD to talk about it. I wonder why all this is happening now? Things seem to be more in order now more than ever.

I started to see the first strong signs of it when Syd died. Everything was stressful, and they got even worse after that. Now, I'm in that mental screwed up zone where I'm starting to worry. I mean, don't get me wrong. I can totally afford to lose at least 20 lbs. I just don't want to do it the wrong way. The constant yes/no thoughts and mental fight isn't good for me though. It makes you doubt yourself and feel inadequate.

A few weeks ago, I started looking up liquid diets online like Opti-fast. I started to think maybe I just needed a quick fix, and that I would be fine after that. I almost ordered them. Then I had sense enough to read the fine print- something like 75% will gain back 75% of the weight within 2 years. Oh ya, please just kick me in the head. If that wouldn't start a bulimic episode, I don't know what will. I'd rather ride the dieting roller coaster than do that. The 5 lb fluctuation up and down is bad enough. Major swings like the ones from a liquid diet (30lbs up and down) would just do me in altogether.

Anyhow, let's just park all that right now. I'm going to focus on other things. The new job, no court fight, going to the gym (I just bought a monthly daycare pass) - Hooray- healthy weight loss!

Anyhow isn't it funny how I can be a bitch at work and make sure that I get my way, and that things (for the most part) go according to plan, but how I can be the total opposite in my personal life? Weird how that happens, isn't it? Whatever happened to balance?

Until then, I'll keep at the game.

For the record, I'm still thinking that eventually 2007 will be my year...