Discovering the Library

I've just discovered the library!

In the day and age of all that is internet, I have avoided the library. It just seemed easier to buy books online and have them delivered to my door. No back and forth, no missed due dates, no fuss. Yes, it costs more money, but I figured that as a single mom, life was just one step easier this way. My pocketbook has recently started speaking differently.

Tonight, my son asked for another book in the series he is reading. I've bought 6 so far at $12 bucks a piece. I know there are 6 more to go, and I frankly was not looking forward to the added expense. Just as I was explaining why I couldn't buy another one just yet (while driving home after work tonight), I looked up and saw right there in front of me, the Library.

I have NEVER taken my children to the library. Today was our first time, and it was a random unplanned visit, just to save $12 and get my child off my back for a few more days.

Can I just say that I am IN LOVE with the Library?

The books cost nothing (yes I knew that), and the Library is 5 minutes from my home (I didn't know that). My kids can keep books for 3 weeks (I thought it would be one week) and the Library card costs nothing to setup (I didn't know that either).

I'm not trying to show everyone how ignorant I am, or how little I know, but wow. I grew up going to the Library (Immigrant parents don't like spending money unnecessarily on books they can read for free). I need to learn more from my immigrant parents. They were onto something!

So I am $12 richer today. And I am officially a Library lover.

Hooray for free reading!

Happy Eid 2009

So Ramadan has come and gone and Eid came and went on the weekend. I find it amazing how fast time flies.

During the course of Ramadan, I learned a few things:

1. I learned how difficult a fast becomes when you tag just a few more hours of daylight into the day (the Islamic calendar is shorter than our calendar, so Ramadan moves by almost 2 weeks every year. As it inches closer and closer to the peak of summer, the fasts are becoming increasingly harder).
2. I learned that we, as humans tend to be ungrateful. I learned this from my experience complaining about being a single mom, only to learn that others have it much harder than I do. I blogged about this experience in my last post.
3. I learned that we as humans make many mistakes in life (even the best of us), and that at some point, we have to make our wrongs right again. As long as we know when we are wrong, we are still headed in the right direction. Life is a long learning process, and the journey is not an easy one.
4. I learned that I have the best of friends. Friends that will stay by your side, even when you make mistakes.
5. I learned that a bout of bronchitis can throw off an entire week.
6. I learned that when you self medicate and try to treat everything as allergies, it doesn't work. Tip of the month- Claritin will not make you feel better if you have bronchitis. Antibiotics, on the other hand, are your best friend in this scenario.
7. I learned that when you pray really hard for something, sometimes it does come true.
8. I learned that fears can be paralyzing.
9. I learned that when you eat a cheeseburger after 14 hours of fasting, you will feel sick.
10. I learned that the thoughts in my head sometimes don't make any sense at all when I start typing.

But thanks for listening anyways. You all fall under item #4...

Kids in the Front Seat of the Car

Never debate with a child.

About 2 months ago, my son and I had a little disagreement. He claimed that his friends are allowed to sit in the front seat of the car. I told him that it was impossible, because according to the law, you had to be 13. (I know I heard this somewhere). He insisted that many of his friends did it, so they can't all be wrong. I told him the law was the law, and that I was not willing to break it.

Then he came up with a genius idea. "Why don't we drive to the police station and ask them?" This worked for me. After all, what better solution than having an officer tell him that this is indeed the law?

So, we get to the police station, I ask the officer the question, and he responds (to my son's complete joy) that there is no such law, that it is the discretion of the parent, and that in fact there have been no cases in Canada of children dying in accidents as a result of being in the front seat.

I was horrified. I even jokingly commented "You had to say that in front of the kid, didn't you?"... He gave me a sympathetic smile, and I was on my way.

The parenting rule that I learned from this is that you should not open a debate or let it go further than you are willing to go. In the event that you lose, you cannot back out and say "Because I said so". "Because I said so" only works up front. Not AFTER you go to the police station.

My son has been joyfully sitting in the front seat for the past two months. I have lost control of my radio, my ability to have some quiet me time, and most of all, I have a slightly bruised ego.

I guess mothers aren't always right....

Gratitude

God has a funny way of showing you things when you least expect it.

I got an email from my girlfriend. She wrote to me requesting some help for a family that she recently learned about. She was asking me if I might be able to help as I have a son, and maybe therefore some hand me downs that I can share with another single mom.

The single mom is blind, and has a 2 and a half year old son. Her husband left her after coming to the country and getting his Canadian Immigration. All they need is clothes for her 2.5 yr old little boy. The "ask" was for even a couple of old outfits of my son's that I can donate to this family.

I find this amazing. Just this morning, I was talking to a friend about how difficult my situation is being a working single mom with two kids, and the same day, I get shown a situation where somebody is blind, a single mom, with no money, no chance at a job, and no future. My situation would be like heaven to her. It's amazing how God shows us things when we least expect it.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share my thought of the day. What a learning. Wow. I feel like I need to be more grateful. And I feel ashamed for even complaining for one second.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Sending Elderly to a Nursing Home

My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Old age is catching up to him. He is 97 years old, and has lived a very full life. He is generally in good health. He has all his senses, he comprehends everything, and his bodily functions are all there. He was first taken to the hospital a few weeks back because of severe stomach cramps. Turns out, he has some kidney problems. His kidneys function fine, but he needs a catheter to get the urine out. He has blood clots in his body that put him at risk of a stroke. We have been told that he cannot go home, as it will increase his risks. We have been told to put him in a long term care facility. To the average person, this sounds like no big deal. For a Pakistani man, this is unheard of.

My dad is having a tough time coming to terms with this. Culturally speaking, Pakistanis follow an extended family care system. Mothers stay home to raise children, or they depend on extended family to help if they need to work full time. Parents live with their children and are cared for by them when they get older. That is the deal. Sending parents to a home is a slap in the face. It is like saying "You are too much trouble for us to care for you". It means you aren't wanted anymore. It means you are a burden.

So when the hospital tells my dad that taking his father home is out of the question due to stroke risks, he is in a real predicament. How does he help the transition to a nursing home for a man who doesn't believe in nursing homes? All my life I heard my grandfather talk about the cultural differences between the east and the west. The one he always brought up was the west's inability to repay their parents for raising them, by caring for them in their old age. And I find it ironic that of all the people in the world to have to go to a home, it ends up being my grandfather, the one person who hated this concept more than anyone else in the world.

My dad told him what the doctors said. He does not seem happy. I told my dad he should have been smarter about it. Maybe he should have told my grandfather that he was going to a rehab center to get better. It's all in the positioning.

And then there is another issue. Because there has not been a large demand for nursing homes by the south Asian community, there are very few that have south Asian residents. So that means food that grandpa won't eat (pot roast? Are you kidding me? Where is the curry chicken?). It also means no halal meat, which is a deal breaker for him.

So my dad has to find a home that allows us to bring our own food on a daily basis. Not an easy task at all.

I suspect that as more people face the issue of aging parents who need extended care, we will have more options available to us. In the meantime, our family continues the search.

It's been a long time since my last post...

Life has been crazy busy.

• My back is a mess after the car accident...doctor says that there will be some residual damage that we can't fix. That was really depressing news.
• Ramadan started just over a week ago. The days are long, and so are the fasts. While I love the holy month, I find it a bit tougher this year.
  
• My grandfather is in the hospital...he's been there for weeks. Old age is catching up to him.
  
• Kids go back to school next week, so this week is a bit hairy.

I'll blog more regularly moving forward...

My Car is Cursed

For sure. I had a car accident yesterday. Again, this was a "not at fault" accident, meaning the other guy was charged. But still. I think I'm getting superstitious. I mean, I'm a good driver and ever since I've had this car, I have not been lucky on the road. It feels like every speed demon in the world is targeting my car.

On a not-so- complaining note, I do have to be grateful that the kids were not in the car at the time. That my friends, is the silver lining.

Here is what happened.

I was driving to work, had just dropped the kids off. It was just after 9am. I got to the intersection and slowed down to stop at an amber light. It was a red light intersection and I did not want to start the day off with a ticket. So I slowed down and stopped before it turned red. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the car behind me coming straight at me, in full speed. I watched in horror is he plowed into my car. He my car flew into the intersection. Fortunately, the oncoming traffic hadn't started yet, so I quickly reversed my car back, and he got out of his car. He was very apologetic. He said he thought I would try to go through the amber light, and so he thought he would do the same, and that he didn't think I would try to stop. I explained that it is a red light intersection and therefore a bad idea to run the light.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he got charged, and I got injured. I mean, he was going 80km/hr full speed and didn't slow down. My bumper/trunk is all smashed up and I have a rental. My back is brutal (I have a bad back to begin with), and I am in excruciating pain. Pain killers and anti-infammatories are my best friend at the moment. I didn't go to the office yesterday or today, and I don't have any intentions of going in tomorrow.

I hope they write off the car. Maybe a new one will bring me better luck. This one seems to be a magnet for road rage drivers.

To add insult to injury, I'm wondering if by hitting my car and sending it into the intersection, will that red light camera now send me a ticket? I was stopped until he smashed me and pushed me into the intersection. Wouldn't that be a joke?

A Gift From a Friend

My friend Syd loved gardening. He loved flowers. He was one of those guys that wasn't shy about it either. I remember when I first moved into my home, I told him that the lady had just planted a rose bush, but that it only gave about 4 roses. He told me how to trim the rosebush. He explained that roses can be tough. But I never bothered doing it. I tried in year one and didn't like the prickly thorns. He laughed and explained that I needed leather gloves. I complained that it wasn't worth it. The next 2 years that followed, I got someone else to trim the rosebush. I got 7 roses each year.

This year, I decided to go out and buy leather gloves and give it a go myself. I trimmed them exactly as he explained. To my shock, about 3 or 4 weeks later, I got bunches and bunches of roses. It was like a gift from my friend.

Every time I came home and saw the roses this summer, I had to smile. They reminded me of him. He always said "All you need to do is give them a little patience, and a little love. Roses are tough, but not impossible".

From now on, I do my own rosebushes. Thank you, my friend.

Maybe a New Monday Tradition?

Last week on Monday, I decided to do something different for the summer. I decided that once a week, when I go to pick up the children from daycare in the summer, I would pick up some food, and head to a park for a picnic. Monday last week was our first outing. I picked up the kids, picked up some drive thru, and we went to the lakeshore. I had a blanket in the trunk, we spread it out over the sand and ate dinner right by the water. After dinner, I sat and watched the children skip stones in the lake. I realized that this is what summer is about.

I managed to snap this pic and just had to post it. What a beautiful evening. I intend to stick to the plan and do this at least once a week. No matter how stressful life can be, there is no feeling better than kicking off the heels, taking off the pantyhose, throwing on a pair of flipflops and sitting by the water with your children after a long day.

Now THAT was priceless.

Happy Canada Day 2009!

Hope everyone had a great day...

I wanted so badly to take my children to see the fireworks at the city hall. I got there, got a parking spot, and waited 20 mins. Then the kids started falling asleep, and getting cranky, saying they were tired and wanted to go home.

So I ended up getting in the car, turning around and coming home before they even started.

Sigh.

Next Canada Day, I'm sending them to their dad's so I can go and watch the fireworks myself.

Boxing and Bellydancing

I know...freaky huh? So my level 2 belly dancing classes start on July 8th. I am totally looking forward to them. Nothing makes you feel prettier or sexier than a few of those lessons. Even if you don't know what you're doing.

In the meantime, to keep myself busy, I decided to try out 5 boxing lessons. Not kickboxing, not cardio-boxing. I'm talking one-on-one boxing lessons with a personal trainer. Gloves, pulling punches, and getting all my frustrations out.

I have to say, it's been a blast.

I must be the first ever gal to take the two together in the same time frame.

It's my schizophrenic side taking over :)

I had to Share this...

I don't know why I liked it so much. I just did...maybe it's because in our own way, we all can relate to it...and then again, it's inspiring as well...

The Fat Mirror

I had a really funny episode in belly dancing class today. I came in a few minutes late, and so I had to stand in a different part of the room than usual. Watching myself dance in the mirror, I kept thinking "wow, I am gaining weight". Then, when it was time to dance in a circle, I kept looking at my reflection. As I moved to the other side of the room, my reflection looked better. And then I danced my way back to the original side, and it looked bad again. I realized that the reflections were different. Here is where we get a typical Shaz moment...

I stop dancing. I point at the mirror. I shout out- "Hey, that is an EVIL FAT mirror! the reflection is different!" The music stops. The teacher looks at me. I explain that the mirror is giving a fat image. All the girls are laughing. They move to the mirror and back to the other mirror. They agree. The instructor is looking at me like I'm nuts.

Sorry, but I am a hyper self-conscious person. The last thing I need is to be standing in front of the fat mirror as I belly dance. I take a skinny girl and tell her to stand in front of the fat mirror while I take her spot. All the while, the instructor is speechless, and the girls are in stitches laughing.

It turned out funny. God I love my belly dancing class. The fun never ends. It's the one time where I can be myself, laugh at myself, and feel sexy, at least for one hour.

Even if there is a fat mirror in the room...

Working with the Ex

I have to say, things feel like they have calmed down since the court case ended. Maybe it's because neither of us is working to build a case against the other. Maybe it's because we are both tired of all the fighting. Or maybe, it's the calm before yet another storm. Either way, it's a good thing for now and I'm not going to worry about it or over-think it beyond that.

Today I got a call from my son's school. It turns out he left his lunchbox on the kitchen counter. The school called me at 10:30am, saying that he didn't have a lunch. I was downtown, at work, an hour and a half away. So I called my ex. He packed a new lunch and took it to my son. No complaints. It felt good to work together.

Two weeks ago, my son was sick. The school called me at work. I called my ex. He went and picked up our son and took him home, and put him to bed. That was good also. The kids are both saying that their dad has been really great lately. My ex is giving me proof of attendance at a psychiatrist. Either way, I am grateful that he is doing better, that we are being more civil, and that the kids are doing better.

I don't know how long it will last, but I will just thank the universe for what I have been given, for as long as it lasts.

Loving the Bellydancing Classes

Today was my 10th class. I am having the best time ever. Just remember....I am the girl with NO rhythm. I can't move my body if you paid me to. For me to take a class like this is totally insane...yet at the same time, I am learning. It's taking awhile, but I am definitely learning, and having so much fun.

I've decided to sign up for level 2. My instructor says most people usually need to take level 1 twice before moving to the next level, but she told me to go ahead and move to level 2. I am so excited. So basically, this will take me right to the end of August. What fun!

You know, if you have low self confidence, there is nothing that can make you feel more attractive than an exotic dance class. It helps that it's all girls (no fear of judgment), and that the windows are blocked off so people can't watch the class from the outside. That way, nobody can watch you make a fool of yourself.

I don't know that I would ever be confident enough to belly dance in front of anyone other than my class mates (like even my girlfriends), but at least I have one place where I can have fun without being self conscious.

I wish I had a belly dancing class every night...

Mom, do you love me?

My daughter just passed me a note. It said "mom do you love me?" I said "yes honey, I love you very much". She smiled and passed me the other note from behind her back. It said "I love you too".

I smiled. And I said, you already knew my answer, but you still asked the question? To which she replied, "I know you love me. I love you too. I just like to hear it again".

I am blessed. Such a small moment but such a warm feeling.

Divorce Notes from the Oprah Winfrey Show

I watched an old PVR'd episode of Oprah the other day. Some interesting points about children and divorce:

• When you put down the other parent, you psychologically mess up your children because they feel disloyal to one parent for loving the other
• When children aren't allowed to heal in therapy, girls become clinically depressed and little boys become enraged and grow up angry
• We need to acknowledge that the kids are hurting and that it's very sad
• Kids of divorced homes are feeling the impact even when you don't think they are feeling it
• Children feel like the divorce is their fault. When there is arguing amongst parents after a divorce, it's usually over the kids, so the children are led to believe the hostility is all their fault
• Never criticize the other parent because when you do, you are criticizing your child's DNA- the only exception is when the other parent has either abandoned them or is harming them. Then you have to tell them that it is wrong for a parent to emotionally abandon or physically abuse them. It is OK to tell them that sometimes people have problems in their minds and it limits some parents from giving kids the love they deserve. Reassure them that they are huggable enough and they are terrific, and they deserve to have two parents, but that right now, they have one really loving one and they will always have that.
  
• Help the children write about how they feel and get it out and read the letter/journal entry as this will be therapeutic for them
• When there is a lot of fighting between the parents, children don't express their feelings because they don't want to add to the fighting, and this builds up over time and turns into rage
• The best thing you can do for your children is to tell them that you would like them to come to you with their problems, but if they cannot, identify two adults that they can go to that are empowered to make decisions to help them if anything major ever came up and these people are instructed to maintain their confidence (like substitute parents).
  

3 rules to follow when telling your children that you are getting a divorce:

1. Tell them together as a family about the divorce. This will be one of the moments they remember for the rest of their life, so make it as comforting as possible
2. You have about 45 seconds before a child's mind starts racing. Things to tell them:
• Mom and dad made each other very sad, we feel it is best for the family that we spend time apart
• You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us
• This is absolutely not your fault, you did nothing to cause this
3. Practice what you will say, and then when you say it, sit back and listen to what they have to say, hold them, hug them, allow them to ask questions and allow them to tell you how their mind is racing and what they are thinking. Children will want to know why the divorce happened. You need to give them general things that they can learn- we said nasty things to each other, we didn't treat each other as nice as we should have etc.

This made me feel kind of sad. It's like we did everything wrong in this divorce. I could use the easy excuse and say that one parent was mentally unstable, but I would rather reflect and ask myself what I could have done better. I definitely could have broken the news to them better. I also could have criticized my ex less. I did that in the context of whenever he hurt the kids though, so it's a tough balance...

Sole Custody

It's finally over. And I am so bloody exhausted. I could sleep for a year.

After 5 hrs to arguing, he consented to an order. He consented to the following:

• I have sole custody of the children
• He has access/visits with the children pending his attendance with a psychiatrist at a schedule set by the psychiatrist
• If he doesn't go to the psychiatrist all his visits will be supervised by someone that we both agree to
  
• I have the right to travel without his consent and to get passports/documents made for the children without his consent
• I can move to NYC if I wish to do so.

I always thought that when/if this moment came I would be absolutely elated. Right now, I'm just downright exhausted.

I'm sure the joy will kick in later.

A big thank you to all my friends for your love and support. I don't think I would be standing if you weren't here by my side. I love you guys :)

Tomorrow is Court

And it's weird. Tomorrow is such a significant point in time, that it's really overwhelming. See:

• If he signs a consent, it means this is all over. It also means that if he consents to things willingly, there is SOME small sliver of a hope for some sort of a working relationship in the future. If he puts up a big fight and we go to trial, there will NEVER be hope for that. I mean, the writing is on the wall. A professional has told him he has "severe mental health issues". He has been told that his abusiveness is out in the open...abuse towards me and the children. And the assessor told his lawyer that he doesn't trust him alone with the children for long periods of time. If this goes to a full out trial, I WILL win, I know it, but it will just take more time, money, and hostility.
• Part of me hopes that if he signs a consent willingly and accepts that he needs help, and goes to therapy, maybe there is a small chance that he can turn his life around and be a good father. I know it's a long shot, but that is the best outcome for everyone. For him, for the children, and for me. (I mean, geez- at a minimum, maybe he would be able to hold down a job and start paying child support!) But more seriously, I believe that if he wasn't mentally ill, he might have been a good man. And he's been horrible to me and the kids, but I attribute that to his mental illness...I know it's a long shot, but I believe there is a God, and so I have to believe that there is some form of mercy out there too.

It's weird. Tomorrow marks either the POTENTIAL reduction in hostility, or it represents an increase in hostility. I am hoping for the former. But from now on, I plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Keep your fingers crossed boys and girls....

Happy Mother's Day 2009

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, especially the single moms...

When you are on your own, mothers day is what you make of it. Meaning, when you have a partner in your life, they make Mother's Day special. They take the kids out, buy you something, help them make breakfast for you, and pamper you. When you are on your own, it is up to you to do something special for Mother's Day, or nothing happens.

So today, I took the kids to buy flowers and chocolates for my mom. Then we took flowers to my sis in law, who is also a new mom. We had dinner at her place and came home. One day, hopefully my kids will learn from my example and remember to give me a break on Mother's Day.

Last year, Mr. NYC was involved in Mother's Day and he was sweet. This year, things are different, and so, Mother's Day had a slightly different focus. It didn't help that today is the day before court...because my mind is elsewhere.

Either way, maybe it's fitting that it's Mother's Day the day before my court date. It gives me a reminder of what I am fighting for. The past few days have not been good ones for me, but one thing that I do know is that I'm glad to have the children in my life.