Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

This was adorable. I got it in an email, and I just had to share...

I think we can all benefit from a pause to think about what we really want out of life...

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A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. . I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Mexican.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

And the moral is:

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

The Year in Review

I always like to look at my past year as the year comes to the end. I like to look at what went well and what was not so great. And I consistently hope that the next year will be better, although I have to admit, I don't know if my hoping has helped much thus far.

I have to say that 2008 was my worst year yet. There was a lot of difficult stuff to deal with and stress was high all year round:

• I had the CAS case in Jan where my ex left a bruise on my son in the beginning of the year, resulting in CAS involvement and police involvement
• I had to go through the court ordered family assessment for 6 months (but as a plus, thank God it went well in the end)
• I had to deal with massive financial issues, which are still ongoing unfortunately
  
• I had the usual ongoing banter with my ex (but I guess that isn't new)
• I had to deal with health issues for a few months which almost resulted in surgery (but fortunately they all turned out OK)
  
• My son was diagnosed with ADHD and we had to put him on medication (but as a plus, he is doing noticeably better now and his confidence in himself is better)
  
• My mom was hospitalized in Feb/March and then had her knee surgery in Sept (but fortunately, everything is OK and she is now better off than she was before the surgery- less pain, and much more mobile)
• The court case is still dragging on
  

What went well this year/what I accomplished:

• I have been doing well at work
• I made some very rich, meaningful friendships- not new people, but deepened some of my existing relationships
• The court case looks like it should be moving in my favor (keep your fingers crossed)
• My health is good, and I kept off the weight that I lost in 2007

It may not sound like much, but the big accomplishment for me tonight was to see the silver lining in all the bad stuff that happened.

One thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reason when we are in the depth of things, but there is a reason and if we are lucky we will get to know what it was at some point during our lifetime.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. I really think this will be a good year for me. A year of personal growth, spiritual growth, and hopefully some key decisions as well.

And really- 2008 sucked, so I am just glad it is over.

Bring on the New Year...

Goals for 2009

I have some goals for 2009. These are not New Year's Resolutions. I hate those. You make one small slip and they go out the window. These are more like things I would like to achieve, or come close to achieving when I look back on the year as a whole in Dec 2009. It's not an 'all or nothing' deal like a resolution, it's more of a' I hope that the graph is trending in the right direction' on these things...

1. Learning from my experiences with people- not walking down the same road twice
2. Cut the potty mouth- no more expletives (thanks to my dear friend for that one)
3. Telling the truth, even when I don't like the consequences (I was always a truth teller, but this year, I've lost a bit of that....I've learned to lie my way out of a few situations, and I don't like that side of myself)
4. Grow spiritually- whether it be religious or just the universal laws of the world
5. Watch my health- try to stick to the gym and keep eating healthy (I'm half way there, but I started slacking since Ramadan)

Notice that these are directional things. I could have said "lose 20lbs" but really, that's not what I mean. If I eat even healthier (I'm not totally bad right now) and feel good physically and lose only 5lbs, I will still feel I accomplished that goal. As another example, if I reduce 90% of the potty mouth, I will feel good about that one....get the point?

I would like to say that I want to figure out my life and have a set plan for where I want to go directionally, but I don't know- maybe that is too much to ask?

How about hoping to become more grounded by the end of 2009...is that a reasonable goal?

Treat Others as they Treat you

And never forget the lesson.

Life is confusing enough. I no longer believe that it is about being good to everyone, being kind to everyone. I'm not sure that these things always get returned to you.

I think there is an element of learning that needs to happen. You need to be kind to people, but within reason. If someone hurts you, harms you, abandons you, whatever it may be, you simply do not go back for more. You learn from what life has taught you and you move on. Being kind to someone who does not return your kindness is not a sign of a good person. It's the sign of a stupid person.

People need to open their eyes and see what is around them. Look at your life's experiences and learn from what you are being shown.

We as humans are often guilty of making some mistakes over and over again. I get that. We are guilty of not knowing when we have walked a similar road before. I get that too. It explains why many abused women for example, end up with abusive men even the second time through.

But there is NO EXCUSE for going back to the SAME PERSON for more once they have kicked you. That is just plain stupid.

We as humans need to at least learn how not to walk down the exact same road a second time through. A similar road maybe, but not the same one.

I'm sure this is not making much sense to any of you, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I have a few things going on in my life. I'm looking at them all- relationships past and present, friends and how they treat me, as well as my friends' experiences. There is a consistent theme. I don't learn from what life has taught me, and I do go back to the same person with hope: hope that they will change, hope that things will be different, hope that they will treat me as I treat them, but it always ends up the same.

I have a few goals for next year. One of them will be to open my eyes and start learning from my experiences.

Pay Attention...

Especially when you are on the road. What a day.

I went out to buy some sweaters for my daughter. It's cold and her sweaters don't fit her anymore. I had just finished shopping and I was heading for the gym. I was distracted. I have had a lot on my mind. I looked away. And then I smashed into the car in front of me.

She was driving an SUV. Her car is fine. Mine is a wreck. The bumper is toast. The hood is toast. That is what happens when a civic hits an SUV. He bumper will probably need to be replaced, but it's not anywhere near what happened to my car.

The 6 demerit point, $350 careless driving fine was salt in my wounds.

I feel like shit. It's my fault, totally, so I have no right to complain. But I am complaining anyways. Maybe it's what I do best.

So now, I have a rental. Which is fine. I have to talk to the insurance company on Monday. Let's see how that goes.

I'm tired. I really need a new beginning. I'm just wondering when it will come. The highlight of my day was lunch with one of my dear friends. Small pockets of happiness in an otherwise shitty day. Thank God for those, otherwise, what else would we have to make it through?

Independence

There is a very fine line between being an independent woman and being selfish/stubborn. I'm not too sure where that line is, and it's probably why I get into the situations that I do.

Is there such a thing as being too independent? If there is, I think I suffer from it.

Today I feel like my head is just not on straight, like I make stupid decisions and like I suffer from having unrealistic expectations. Today I feel like I have allowed myself to become too much, that I have gone too far, and that I hurt my future because of who I am. It's possible to think too highly of yourself, to expect too much, to have become too stubborn.

I'm not sure what made me this way. I've been giving it a lot of thought today. I think my past experience in marriage. I mean, he was so abusive, so brutally abusive and I allowed it to happen. I should have left, but I never did. Recently, someone close to me asked how it was possible that someone like me could be abused like that. He said he would have expected me to hit back and walk away, call the cops and have my then-husband arrested. But I didn't. That wasn't me. But now I think it is me.

In fact, I think the pendulum has swung the other way. I am so protective of myself, I ask so much of life, I am so demanding, that I don't think that abusive type of guy would ever have a chance in my life.

But here is the problem. Neither would any other guy. It is indeed really difficult to be with me.

Yesterday, Mr. NYC asked me to marry him. For real. He wanted to make wedding plans. He wanted me to come to NYC to meet his family and formalize an engagement. He wanted me to wear his ring.

And I froze. Paralyzed. No answer. I told him I need a few days to think.

You see, all this time, I thought he was non-committal. I thought this was going nowhere. I thought I was wasting my time. And so, I was going to end things, thinking he would never want a long term thing, that he would never actually commit to me. I wasn't expecting this. It was everything I wanted for so long, and now that it is in reach, I'm paralyzed.

I feel afraid. I mean, give up my entire life here in Toronto? My home, my career, my parents, my friends? My whole life?

But do you turn down a good guy out of fear?

I have never been so messed up. Part of me thinks that somewhere along the way, it is ME who is no longer marriage material. Once upon a time ago I was the perfect wife. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. I'm just shocked. Do I love Mr. NYC? Absolutely.

The real question is, will I ever love anyone enough to risk marriage again? Am I capable of being married again? I have a few days to figure all this out. Forgive me for not being a giddy school girl. I am almost 5 yrs divorced, and hundreds of bruises past the stage of being giddy over the thought of another marriage. Touched yes. Flattered yes. Decisive, hell no. I'm just all cold feet right now.

And the poor guy is sitting in NYC waiting for an answer from me. I think he expected an instant yes. He said he understands, that I wasn't expecting the question. He is surprised that I need to think about it, but understanding nonetheless.

And so I spin...

Taming the Beast

Today was a hellish day. I had to play the role of super-bitch. I had to be the strict mother.

I need to reign in my son. I need to tame his inner beast. And I need to do it now. So today was the start of tough love.

I gave the kids the new house rules.

1. For the next 7 days, they are off of electronics. No TV, no computer, no video games. This is a consequence for their disgusting behaviour last night.
2. The above mentioned electronics are, effective immediately, an earned privilege, not a right. Meaning, they can earn time on them, but they don't just get time on them. I'm hoping to encourage them to be better with their behavior and more respectful towards me. Disrespect towards their mother means no privileges. Being kind to each other and respecting me means they can get time on their electronic toys.
3. I will be buying poker chips. They can earn a chip after a couple of hours of good behaviour. Bad behaviour means they lose a chip. 10 chips equals 15 minutes on an electronic of their choice. That's right. They better be good if they want TV time.
   

I know it sounds mean, but I need to un-spoil my kids.

It's time to kick some butt. No more nice mom.

My line today. "Things are going to change around here".

I had to start the day with "how dare you even think you can speak to me the way you did last night".

I mean seriously. This is out of control. I'm hoping this will work. If it doesn't, I have two kids for sale. One takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher. Any takers?

The Difficult Child

My son's temperament continues to scare me. His tantrums are out of control. I wonder what I am doing to fail as a mother. I do the best I can, I hardly sleep because I work so hard, and then I get this for a child. It just doesn't seem fair. Some days, I want to give him to someone else and let them raise him. I feel so frustrated it's impossible. And yet I know I am the only real parent they have. It's just too much pressure for one person.

Tonight I had a friend over. My son didn't seem to care, he threw his tantrum and humiliated me.

I'm so frustrated. Some days I hate being a single mom. It's also unfortunate that my ex is a nutjob. It means I get no support from anyone.

At the end of the day, we all stand alone.

Happy Eid...

Today was Eid. I had the day off work. I spent the morning at home. The kids were with their dad. I decided to take advantage of it and went to the gym early in the morning. Yes I know it's Eid. But I felt I needed to clear my head.

I was waiting for something from a friend today. I've actually been waiting to hear from this person for 2 weeks. We had a major disagreement two weeks ago and it's been bugging me. But I couldn't be the one to call and resolve it. Not this time. And then at 11am, after two weeks of frustration, all I get is an SMS. Happy Eid to you and the kids and your family. That's it. After two weeks.

I was expecting something more I guess. I expected wrong. My reply. "Same to you. Please take care of yourself".

I guess that's some sort of closure on a friendship. If you want to call it that. I felt like crap for a few hours today. I debated picking up the phone and calling my friend, but my gut told me to leave good enough alone. So I did.

A most uneventful way to totally end a friendship.

Either way. Eid Mubarak.

A Temperamental Child

My son is very temperamental. It never ends with him. I often wonder how much of it is the attention deficit disorder, how much of it is learned from his dad, and how much of it is just his nature. I suppose I will never have an answer to that question, and I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to play with the cards that I have been dealt.

But sometimes it is just really difficult.

Last night I went to a friend's place for dinner. As usual, my son acted up, all angry and throwing a tantrum. He just wouldn't let up. It lasted over an hour. I eventually calmed him down but it took a seriously long time and I was humiliated, and frustrated, and left feeling that life will forever be hopeless. It's not like he is going to get better in high school. That's arguably when a child just gets worse. And then I kept asking myself, what do I have to look forward to in life? Nothing really. It was a miserable way to feel, and it kept me up most of the night.

I honestly feel like giving up. I felt like I can never move on, never be in a relationship because no guy will tolerate my son and his outbursts. I feel like I should just plan to live alone, plan short term relationships to pass the time, but never commit to anything long term. Then I will spare myself the day when someone will tell me that they can't be with me, because it is just too difficult to be around a difficult child.

It's not like anyone has ever said this to me, but I can see the judgement in people's eyes when my son acts up. I feel like saying "I am not a bad mother". Then again, he is not a bad child, but he can act pretty damned bad when he's in an off mood.

Sigh. I'll stop the rant, I know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it's the combination of 4 hrs sleep and an insurmountable pile of tasks waiting to be finished that is getting to me today and exacerbating the issue.

Two Years is a Long Time

And yet not long at all. I really miss him. This year, I've been missing him more than ever. Especially the past few months. And I don't know why it's come up like this. I find myself asking the questions again- why did he do it, how could he do it, why didn't he listen to me, why did he leave us when so many people loved him. And I still get shivers every time I drive under the Leaside bridge. I wonder which part of the bridge he jumped from, and what he was thinking his last few minutes in this world. And then I wonder why he did it without even saying goodbye.

We were such great friends, and he never even said goodbye.

My last face to face conversation with him was an argument. A back and forth. "You need help", "No I don't"....I knew he needed help. And I bet that he already knew what he was going to do. I love him and hate him all at once. And I hate myself for not doing more to help him.

I find sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could tell him how my life is going. I wish I could tell him how much he brought to my life, how he was one of the best friends I ever had. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I wish I could see his reasurring smile, just one more time. Or that look that says "Ok Shaz. Calm down". Or just to hear him tell me that I am a great person and that one day I will meet the right guy and have all the happiness I deserve. (He would say that alot).

I firmly believe we all meet again in heaven. And I find I'm still angry with Syd. When I meet him in heaven, first I'm going to slap him for what he did and then I will hug him because I've missed him so much.

But first I slap him for being so selfish and dark. It was so unlike him to commit suicide. And it was also the boldest move of his life. A fitting way to end I suppose, for a guy who stayed quiet, who remained patient, who tried to please everyone. It's like snubbing the world for all that it gave you just before you leave. But some of us didn't deserve the snubbing.

I still haven't gone to the cemetery. It's been two years, and I haven't had the courage to go. I miss him so much I know it would be emotional and I still feel so angry that I don't want to go. And so I haven't gone. Maybe next year.

Then again, maybe not.

Two years and it's still all there. Sure it doesn't consume me, but it really hasn't left me either. I find that I think of him alot. I was watching a movie the other day and the guy was about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. I felt so emotional, I couldn't watch it. I think it will stay with me for life. When friends don't return phone calls I think the worst. After all, the last friend who refused to take my calls while he was upset ended up comitting suicide. Naturally when someone is upset and they don't pick up the phone, my mind goes to a very scary place.

I wonder if he even knew what he would be doing to the lives of others...

I miss you Sydney. I hope you're in a peaceful place.

Friday afternoon working from home

In my jeans. Sipping chai. Loving it.

I had my ultrasound again. I don't want to talk much about it, but I have a cyst on my ovaries that has apparently been getting bigger. It's been causing a lot of pain lately, to the point where my evenings are a write off. I come home and I feel dead to the world. It's been this way for a couple of months. No energy to cook, and I can't move off the couch. I do homework with the kids at the coffee table so I can lie on the couch and check their homework without getting up.

Today was another ultrasound. I get the results next week. It's benign so nothing to worry about from that angle, but the pain is bad. I've even left a few meetings at work on a couple of occasions because I just couldn't sit there that long.

But today, although the pain is just brutal from the ultrasound, I am enjoying these 2 hours of solitude working, sipping chai, and just being alone.

I'm told that little moments of gratitude are baby steps to happiness. Here's to finding happiness again one day.

Never Judge Another Person

Because we as humans are much more alike than we are different.

Interesting Quote from an Oprah show I was watching last night. Unfortunately, I'm guilty as charged. One of the things I've started to see lately is that the mirror gets held up to me often enough. Just when I think "I would NEVER be capable of that" or I look at someone and think 'how could you do that to your child, or how could you say that to someone, or how could you conduct yourself in that manner?', I find myself in a similar situation, doing something not that far off.

We are all humans. We will all make mistakes.

Back in my hijab days, I remember the extremely judgmental attitude I had when I saw people doing things wrong. I would think to myself "why does that guy bother praying when he cheats on his wife? Why does she wear hijab if she has a boyfriend? Why does he fast in Ramadan if he is a drinker the rest of the year?"

And then I realized it. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. We all have different weaknesses, different faults, and we all struggle. Some of us try to be good people despite of our faults, and some of us just don't bother trying at all. But at the end of the day, you cannot slight a person for their faults, nor should you judge them for trying to maintain some amount of goodness where ever possible.

The guy who cheats on his wife is better off praying than not. The guy who fasts in Ramadan is better off doing it than not. These things are all better in small ways than not doing them I guess. Or maybe for those people it keeps them on track and prevents them for doing more harm. Who knows? But we can't judge.

There was a man on Oprah who had killed someone, and everyone judged him. And she said "we are more alike than we are different". It's true. The only thing that stops some of us from not going totally evil is the conscience.

But everyone's conscience has a breaking point too. That's just human nature.

My recent life experiences have taught me a few things. Just when I think I cannot be capable of something, a mirror is held up and I am forced to see who I really am. And while I know I am a good person in many ways, I am very far from perfect. So I have no right to judge another. And nobody has the right to judge me either.

I Want a Giraffe

To hell with princes. I want a giraffe.

I saw Madagascar 2 the other day. It wasn't as great as part 1, but it was still a good movie. But there was one major thing that stuck with me. I want to find a giraffe.

Melman the giraffe is this adorable yet nerdy, sweet yet goofy giraffe who falls in love with the hippo. He is soft natured, loving, crazy, but at the end of the day, will do anything for the one that he loves.

I want a giraffe. I just don't know if they really exist. All the men I have met always have some agenda or another. They are never truly altruistic like Melman. Maybe asking for one is just too much to ask. Maybe that's why you only find them in movies.

But I can say this....I am determined to be with a person who comes pretty damned close to being a giraffe. I know I am not a saint, but I am somehow starting to see my worth. I'm realizing that I do alot for the ones that I love, and that it may not be too much to ask for someone to reciprocate.

So I wait for a giraffe. In the meantime, a dear friend bought me a mini beanie baby version of Melman. I loved it. I kept it by my side. As I lie here on my bed blogging, Melman is sitting right here with me on my bed, keeping me company with his warmth and his smile.

This will do just fine until the real one comes along.

I hope the universe doesn't disappoint me by telling me that Melman doesn't exist.

I wait anxiously...

ADHD Medication

It's been a busy week. I'm fed up, tired, and hating life at the moment.

I took my son to the specialist for his ADHD on Tuesday. His dad came too. Nevermind the fact that I received a million emails beforehand about how he didn't like my choice of doctors, and that I was afraid he would go and cancel the appointment on me last minute, but we made it there. And the doctor prescribed medication. I knew it was coming, but still, it's so controversial, I really didn't want him on meds. I feel like I failed as a mother.

I was tempted to call an office colleague who lives nearby. Her son was also diagnosed with the same thing, and so she understands all of this. But I didn't. I didn't want to bother her, I didn't want to impose. Yet I knew that had I called it would not have been an imposition. I guess I'm a bit weird that way.

I get home and get a call from my brother. His judgement was overwhelming. "How could you drug up your own child? Why do that to a poor kid? Why not just spend more time with him at night so he will be OK?"

Seriously? Like I need to hear that shit. Like I don't feel like a failure already. Family can be so very cruel.

So I get the prescription filled and start my son on the meds. I monitor him like crazy. His appetite has decreased in the day (But he makes up for it in the morning and night). He has a harder time falling asleep. My boss (whose child also has the same condition) advised me not to let my son know that insomnia is a side effect or he will use it as an excuse. Good advice, actually.

I worked closely with my son's teacher to monitor his work. He was kind enough to email me. At least my son is showing a noticeable change in focus. The teacher said to me that this was the most focus he has ever seen from my son, and the most legible handwriting yet. That is promising.

And then the kicker. My son asks "So how many days will I need the medication for? When will I be all better?" How do you answer that? I said "I'm not sure yet." He says "Well I won't need it forever right? When will I stop being sick?" I explain that he isn't sick, but that his brain doesn't have the same chemical that other people's does and so we are helping it along. His reply "Mommy, I promise to be good if we stop making me take them".


Baby, it isn't your fault, I thought to myself. But how do I explain all this to him?

I feel useless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure. For the past two nights I have come home, looked at my son and gone to my room to cry. I never wanted to do this. I just want him to be OK.

The Worry Dolls

I gave my daughter a set of worry dolls today. I thought they were a neat idea. A very dear friend recently noted that my daughter "thinks a lot" and that she seems to have a lot on her mind. On a previous occasion, I took her to the doctor to find out why she can't fall asleep at night. He told me that she is a young child and that going through a parental divorce is a very stressful thing for a child and so she seems to worry a lot. Anyhow, I thought the worry dolls were cute so I gave them to her this evening.

She loved them. I explained to her that the little dolls are her friends. She picks one doll at night, tells it about her worries, gives it a kiss and puts it under her pillow. She can go to sleep and the doll will take the worries far away while she is sleeping. My daughter was overjoyed. She thanked me profusely, hugged me, kissed me and thanked me for loving her. I am shocked. They are just worry dolls after all!

A few minutes later, I saw her sitting in the corner, whispering to the dolls and kissing them. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was introducing herself to her new friends because they were going to help her sleep at night. She was really excited and wanted to go to sleep early!

I'm not sure what to make of this. I mean, the dolls were given to me by someone at work as a promotional item. I just had them lying around and thought she would like them. I am dying to know what "worries" she will be sharing with the dolls and what it is exactly that keeps her up at night. But if these little wooden stick dolls fix something I have been trying to fix for months, well.... then I will just count my blessings.

And I will be thankful for one less worry. Bless these dolls.

Tinker Bell Goes to Town

Today is my baby's 7th Birthday. She woke up early for what was probably the first time in her life. She ran to my room, jumped on my bed screaming "It's my birthday. Everybody has to be nice to me!!"

What? Like we are normally mean or something?

But it was cute. She got dressed up in her Tinker Bell outfit and I took her to school. She got out of the car and skipped into the school. I told the teacher at the kiss n ride that it was her 7th birthday. This was not her teacher, some other teacher who barely knows my daughter. Her reply, "Honey, I think the whole school already knows that. She made it a point to tell everyone yesterday. She said 'tomorrow is my birthday so don't forget to say happy birthday to me'".

Wow. I wonder if I was like that when I was little?

Still, I did leave the school with a smile. She's hilarious. I love her. I'm so glad to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Mary!

Happy Halloween!

My Little Tinker Bell

My baby wants to dress as Tinker Bell for Halloween. I searched everywhere and stores were sold out of her size. So I convinced her to be something else. OK that's a half lie. I didn't like that the outfits were so short and that she would freeze in it. So I convinced her to be Batgirl.

Today, I decided to go and get her outfit while she was visiting with her dad. Small problem, Batgirl outfits were sold out. So were Tinker Bell, and pretty much every Disney Princess imaginable to mankind.

I went to 5 stores. I finally, at Toys R Us, found slim pickings and decided to get her some random fairy costume. Not Tinker Bell, but it will have to do.

I was at the checkout. And I looked at the costume and saw that it had a tear. So I went back to the slim pickings rack and LO and BEHOLD...there was one random TINKER BELL outfit. One problem, No wings. I searched through the store and they finally agreed to take the wings off of a Tinker bell dress up line (different from the Halloween line).

I go to the register and to top it off, the outfit was on sale. For 12 bucks. Rockin Awesome.

I come home and my daughter is overjoyed. "Mommy you remembered my favourite. I love you!". She put the outfit on, it fit perfectly and she jumped up and down on my sofa in her fairy wings, singing all the while. It was pure heaven.

I would do it all again. Nevermind that it took me 2.5 hours and 5 stores. It was well worth it.

And she looks cuter than....well, cuter than Tinkerbell herself!

Moving out at 18

My children spent this weekend with their father. As I was putting my son to bed tonight, he asked me if he can move out when he is 18. I find this concerning, given he is just shy of being 9 years old. I asked him what the benefit would be of moving out.

It turns out that his rationale for moving out is that he would have the choice around which parent to spend time with on any given day, around balancing time between his mom and dad, as well as the luxury of "my house, my rules". He can play video games all day and eat nesquik all day. The latter around "my house, my rules" I understand. I'm sure he hates my Nintendo DS rules which are 30 minutes max per day, not before 5pm or after 8pm, and only if your homework is done. The former reason around being with both parents, I find a bit concerning.

You see, it just shows how very aware he is of the constant struggle between his father and I. He said if he had his own house, we could come and see him when we wanted to, and he wouldn't have to go back and forth between two homes. Interestingly enough, when we went through the assessment earlier this year, the assessor had told me about this. He said that the disruption of two homes has a bigger impact on children than we will ever know. Adults can handle it because we walk around with our high level calendars in our heads. But children of divorced homes don't know if they are coming or going.

I just find all of this very sad.

I don't want my son to feel the loss with his dad. His father has been on better behavior lately (we know these periods are always short lived though). When their dad is behaving better, the kids wish to see him more. It's understandable. However, I'm not sure where the balance is. For now, I feel the need to protect the kids from their dad. I don't want him to hurt them again. On the other hand, I need to allow them to feel comfortable enough to know that their relationship is not being stifled, especially not by me. It's all such a delicate balance...

I had always hoped that the children would live with me until they finished University. A good friend recently told me that it is better that they get their space and move out when they start University at 19. Let them grow and mature and live in residence, he says.

It's all a lot to think about. For now, I'll take happiness in the fact that I have a good 10 years before having to face this discussion for real. In the meantime, today my answer to him was that of course he can move out. As long as he can afford to live on his own income. Then he asked if I would get him a job at my company. No joke. I said yes. He thought for a minute and then said "Well, let's see. Maybe I'll just live in your basement".

And there is yet another topic for discussion....the new generation of freeloading children :D