Now THAT's progress!
I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday and she told me that the majority of Muslim groups have agreed to follow a more scientific method for predicting the Muslim calendar dates. This means that we would know when Ramadan would start, or when Eid will occur, potentially even months beforehand. Now that is just awesome. One less thing to be embarrassed about :)
I think some Imams must have read my blog entries from last year :)
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Happy Ramadan
Well, it's Ramadan. Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim friends! I've been trying to keep this Ramadan busy so I don't act like such a hermit, like last year. So far, I've booked every Saturday for the next for weeks, as well as two Sundays...and I've made arrangements with family on the weekdays. I'm also going to take my children to the mosque a few times...Let's see if my faith gets uplifted in any way :)
I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.
I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)
I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.
I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
One Week 'Till Ramadan
Where do the weekends go?? I spent some time with friends on Saturday night, went to a baby shower, went to the gym, cleaned the house...And now it's over :(
Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!
Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.
So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.
This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.
Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.
Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...
Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!
Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.
So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.
This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.
Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.
Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...
Friday, September 15, 2006
From the Horse's Mouth
My son has a PD day today (what the heck- school just started and teachers are already getting time off. Sheesh!)
Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.
I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.
I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.
I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.
My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.
That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.
Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.
Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.
I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?
Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.
I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.
I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.
I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.
My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.
That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.
Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.
Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.
I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Saved by a Diet Pepsi
It was raining today. Traffic was slow. It took me 2 hours to drive into work. Now that is brutal. Maybe it's just me, but something just feels so wrong about getting up at 5:30 and then STILL trailing into the office at 9:30, especially when you left the house at 7:30. GRRR
Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.
Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.
You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.
So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)
That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.
I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM
Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.
Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.
You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.
So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)
That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.
I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Still on Track
I love it. My routine is still working. The ex is keeping his distance (probably because of his new job), and I am finally feeling like I can breathe. If I can keep things on track, I will be one permanently happy camper.
I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.
On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.
I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"
He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".
He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.
I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.
On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.
I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"
He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".
He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Chat with the Ex
I had an msn chat with my ex this morning. I saw him online and went by a gut instinct and unblocked him to see what he would say. I figured if he caught me online, it would remove the emotion from our discussions and perhaps give him a chance to have his say. I'm actually glad I did.
I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.
Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.
The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.
I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.
Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.
The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.
Friday, September 08, 2006
5 Changes
I've decided not to let my ex's craziness bother me. He's still at it, but he is toning it down a bit, resorting to phoning me and harassing, but has left my friends and family alone for the most part. It makes me feel like I have a bit of breathing space. The newly found breathing space got me thinking about what I need in my life to feel like a whole person again. Honestly, I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off for so long, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to stop running in "over-drive mode".
So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.
1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.
2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good
3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!
4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result
5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.
I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.
So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.
1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.
2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good
3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!
4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result
5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.
I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Back into the Swing of things
I'm hoping for no more glitches. I know that my ex has a tendency to throw my life off with little or no effort, but as of now, I'm feeling a bit more stable. The children are set in their routine (I hope), and I've got their before/after school care all arranged. I found a fantastic after school program for my son. They will pick him up from school, drive to their facility, do 30 mins homework, 15 minutes snack and a 45 minute karate class, followed by arts and crafts each day before I pick him up at 6pm. I figure if nothing else, the karate class should be good for his confidence, self esteem, and focus. Not that my son needs it, but you can never go wrong with extra discipline in those areas. Especially if you are an active 6 year old boy.
My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.
As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.
I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)
My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.
As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.
I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Holding Strong
I took a few days away. I took Friday off and went to visit a friend for the weekend. We had a nice time, went to see a show, hung out, went for long walks. I'm feeling a lot better now, and I feel like I can face the world again. Thank God for good friends.
As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.
Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.
Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.
At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!
As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.
Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.
Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.
At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Here we go Again
It never ends. Never, never, never! I'm starting to feel like I am one of those people who is just meant to have complications in her life. I've been trying not to be negative, but it's just really hard. I've also learned that no matter what, we have to be grateful for the friends around us, but at the end of the day, we all stand alone. Friends can help to cheer you up, to keep your spirits up, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own well being. You cannot expect anyone else to stand for you the way you can stand for yourself. We are ultimately responsible for our own safety.
So, the past week has been chalk full of my ex's insanity. He's been stalking me again, behaving erratically and just being an overall pain. I thought that on Wed at my daughter's soccer game, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong.
Friday August 25- My ex starts calling a community leader and shows up at his house requesting that he help to reconcile my marriage. He basically wanted this person to go to my father and persuade him to talk to me. (What the heck? Am I an idiot? Do I not have a say in anything? Why would you send anyone to my father?). Thankfully, this person refused the request.
Saturday August 26- My ex goes to my parent's home, accompanied by 2 of his brothers, his mother, his friend, and a different community leader, requesting to speak to my father. I'm not kidding. This is the most insanity I've ever heard of. Who does this stuff? They were basically there to request that my father speak to me and persuade me to reconcile for the sake of the children. My ex claims that he has changed, yada yada etc etc. Anyhow, my dad is stunned. He asks where the heck everyone was for the past 2 1/2 years, like before the divorce. He asks them to leave, and advises that he will not speak to me, and that furthermore, even if I wanted to reconcile, he would never let me do it. Go daddy go!
Saturday August 26- My brother calls me and advises that he has received an email from my ex requesting an opportunity to meet and to prove that he has changed and that he has an undying amount of love for me. I tell my brother that if he meets him, we are through. DO NOT MEET!
Saturday August 26- My ex calls Rich's house while I am there and goes through the same shpeel with him. ***sigh*** I am getting so irritated by this point. Why do people give him the time of day?
Sunday August 27- I get a call from a friend who wants to talk. This person advises me that my ex is basically obsessed and that he (my friend) is concerned for my safety. He doesn't know what my ex is doing, but is concerned that he may "go off the deep end".
Monday August 28- I am leaving the house at 7:30am and the phone rings. I pick up without looking at the call display because I'm in such a hurry to get out the door. It's my ex. He wants to come over and deliver a letter to me. I refuse and tell him not to come to my house. He insists that I must read the letter. I tell him that if he comes to my home, I will call the police. He tries to give me a guilt trip- we were married for 15 years and now I can't even spare a minute for him, etc etc. I tell him no I can't and hang up.
Monday August 28- It's 8am. I'm driving into the office. My phone rings. It's Mich. My ex has come to their home unannounced, asking to speak to Rich, letter in hand. I tell her no way, send him away tell him to leave. I speak to Rich, and ask him to make him leave. He says ok. Now I'm really stressed.
I call the office and speak to my girlfriend. By this time, the stress is getting to me and I'm crying hysterically. I'm afraid for my safety because he's acting crazy, and I'm really annoyed by all the harassment. I get to the office, still crying, and she takes the day off to spend with me and calm me down. Saved.
On Tuesday, I went to the courts to find out my options, and spoke to a lawyer. I know what my options are. I'm just waiting a couple of days to decide what I want to do next.
Honestly, crazy people should be locked away forever. The laws are too weak and don't do enough to protect single mothers with psycho ex husbands. I went into the office yesterday, but had a really hard time focusing. I'm working from home today, taking the day off tomorrow to visit a friend, and working from home Tuesday to see the children off on their first day of school. Hopefully by next week, I'll be doing better.
Damn him. Why does he have to be so crazy?
So, the past week has been chalk full of my ex's insanity. He's been stalking me again, behaving erratically and just being an overall pain. I thought that on Wed at my daughter's soccer game, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong.
Friday August 25- My ex starts calling a community leader and shows up at his house requesting that he help to reconcile my marriage. He basically wanted this person to go to my father and persuade him to talk to me. (What the heck? Am I an idiot? Do I not have a say in anything? Why would you send anyone to my father?). Thankfully, this person refused the request.
Saturday August 26- My ex goes to my parent's home, accompanied by 2 of his brothers, his mother, his friend, and a different community leader, requesting to speak to my father. I'm not kidding. This is the most insanity I've ever heard of. Who does this stuff? They were basically there to request that my father speak to me and persuade me to reconcile for the sake of the children. My ex claims that he has changed, yada yada etc etc. Anyhow, my dad is stunned. He asks where the heck everyone was for the past 2 1/2 years, like before the divorce. He asks them to leave, and advises that he will not speak to me, and that furthermore, even if I wanted to reconcile, he would never let me do it. Go daddy go!
Saturday August 26- My brother calls me and advises that he has received an email from my ex requesting an opportunity to meet and to prove that he has changed and that he has an undying amount of love for me. I tell my brother that if he meets him, we are through. DO NOT MEET!
Saturday August 26- My ex calls Rich's house while I am there and goes through the same shpeel with him. ***sigh*** I am getting so irritated by this point. Why do people give him the time of day?
Sunday August 27- I get a call from a friend who wants to talk. This person advises me that my ex is basically obsessed and that he (my friend) is concerned for my safety. He doesn't know what my ex is doing, but is concerned that he may "go off the deep end".
Monday August 28- I am leaving the house at 7:30am and the phone rings. I pick up without looking at the call display because I'm in such a hurry to get out the door. It's my ex. He wants to come over and deliver a letter to me. I refuse and tell him not to come to my house. He insists that I must read the letter. I tell him that if he comes to my home, I will call the police. He tries to give me a guilt trip- we were married for 15 years and now I can't even spare a minute for him, etc etc. I tell him no I can't and hang up.
Monday August 28- It's 8am. I'm driving into the office. My phone rings. It's Mich. My ex has come to their home unannounced, asking to speak to Rich, letter in hand. I tell her no way, send him away tell him to leave. I speak to Rich, and ask him to make him leave. He says ok. Now I'm really stressed.
I call the office and speak to my girlfriend. By this time, the stress is getting to me and I'm crying hysterically. I'm afraid for my safety because he's acting crazy, and I'm really annoyed by all the harassment. I get to the office, still crying, and she takes the day off to spend with me and calm me down. Saved.
On Tuesday, I went to the courts to find out my options, and spoke to a lawyer. I know what my options are. I'm just waiting a couple of days to decide what I want to do next.
Honestly, crazy people should be locked away forever. The laws are too weak and don't do enough to protect single mothers with psycho ex husbands. I went into the office yesterday, but had a really hard time focusing. I'm working from home today, taking the day off tomorrow to visit a friend, and working from home Tuesday to see the children off on their first day of school. Hopefully by next week, I'll be doing better.
Damn him. Why does he have to be so crazy?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Working from Home
I'll be working from home on Thursday and Friday this week and next. I've had some daycare issues...Did not realize that the daycare ended its summer program for the last two weeks of August. I've found a babysitter for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays, but have nobody for Thursday and Friday. Thankfully my boss is super understanding and has no issue with the extra flexibility. In return...I do my best to work really hard, despite the distraction of the children being home with me. For the most part they are pretty good...They watch TV, play games, play in the backyard, so I can't complain. Still, I won't lie and pretend that it isn't easier to work from home when it's just me here. Then again, I welcome the extra time with the kids in their home.
I went for my physical check up today. It's been two years since my last one, so I got some scolding from my doctor. He says that especially given all the stress that I've been under these past two years, I shouldn't be neglecting my health. Stress has severe impacts on the body so I should be more responsible. Either way, he was pleased to see that all my vitals were textbook perfect. ECG, blood pressure, etc...All clear. Let's just wait and see how the bloodwork turns out. He said that he is pleasantly surprised. He apparently was expecting to find me a mess after everything I've been through. Apparently I'm more resilient than any of us anticipated. Brownie points for me. Thank God for sticking by me on this one.
I went for my physical check up today. It's been two years since my last one, so I got some scolding from my doctor. He says that especially given all the stress that I've been under these past two years, I shouldn't be neglecting my health. Stress has severe impacts on the body so I should be more responsible. Either way, he was pleased to see that all my vitals were textbook perfect. ECG, blood pressure, etc...All clear. Let's just wait and see how the bloodwork turns out. He said that he is pleasantly surprised. He apparently was expecting to find me a mess after everything I've been through. Apparently I'm more resilient than any of us anticipated. Brownie points for me. Thank God for sticking by me on this one.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Final Soccer Game- Thank GOD
Tonight was my daughter's last soccer game. It was nice to see her play, but I'm actually glad it's over. My ex is using these games as an opportunity to harass me. Tonight he went on with the chatter...random topics- how are you, have you seen any good movies, remember the good times we used to have, yada yada yada. I'm just glad I won't have to deal with him anymore....until hockey season starts up I guess...
I love the friend who posted the comment about there always being light at the end of the tunnel, but that some tunnels are longer than we hoped. That actually has given me renewed hope. Maybe it's not fair, but truthfully, my journey with this marriage and divorce has been a few years too long. I am hoping that light will shine through soon enough....a special thank you to my girlfriend for her words of wisdom :)
So Rich has written an outstanding letter for my ex's lawyer. I'm feeling better now. I think I will be able to do this on my own...without retaining a full time lawyer (thanks to my FREE LAWYER!). Thank God for good friends.
I love the friend who posted the comment about there always being light at the end of the tunnel, but that some tunnels are longer than we hoped. That actually has given me renewed hope. Maybe it's not fair, but truthfully, my journey with this marriage and divorce has been a few years too long. I am hoping that light will shine through soon enough....a special thank you to my girlfriend for her words of wisdom :)
So Rich has written an outstanding letter for my ex's lawyer. I'm feeling better now. I think I will be able to do this on my own...without retaining a full time lawyer (thanks to my FREE LAWYER!). Thank God for good friends.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Will the Weirdness EVER End??
SO....
I went to watch my son at his final soccer game last night. My ex, of course is the coach. He decided not to coach and to spend the entire hour talking to me. I told him I was not interested in talking but...That never seems to work.
He started off by saying that he is glad that I am moving on...That I have many friends, that I seem to be enjoying life, that I seem happy. He then went on to ask if I was seeing anyone. I said that it was not any of his business, and that he shouldn't be asking me these types of questions. He basically said that he still hoped we would be able to resolve things, and somehow get back together. He said that he still loved me. I told him that people who love don't punch eachother in the face. Furthermore, I told him that things have progressed much too far. It is much to late for that, and if he really cared, he would wish me well, and want me to meet a nice man and be happy.
He didn't seem so happy.
Anyhow...It was an awkward and uncomfortable experience. I'm glad it's over. I basically told him to move on and meet someone, to find happiness, and to wish me well. When the conversation persisted, I asked him to not be obsessive...To please just be happy and let me be. I admitted to casually being introduced to people, but did not talk beyond that.
I feel sad for him...But really...What am I to do? I had to tell him the truth...That I have NO desire to get back together...The divorce is finally over...I just want to move on. I want to be free.
GOD...Are all men this difficult, or do I just know how to pick 'em?
I really truly just want him to be happy....Then he will leave me alone. When I basically said that I was not interested, he got back to the re-opened custody dispute...When would I reply to the lawyers...We are going to hash it out in court...blah blah blah.
I chose not to answer. I feel stronger, but I know that I am taking strength from the people around me who hold me up and make me feel secure.
Tonight, I go to Rich's to review our court strategy. Hold on...Here we go again...
I went to watch my son at his final soccer game last night. My ex, of course is the coach. He decided not to coach and to spend the entire hour talking to me. I told him I was not interested in talking but...That never seems to work.
He started off by saying that he is glad that I am moving on...That I have many friends, that I seem to be enjoying life, that I seem happy. He then went on to ask if I was seeing anyone. I said that it was not any of his business, and that he shouldn't be asking me these types of questions. He basically said that he still hoped we would be able to resolve things, and somehow get back together. He said that he still loved me. I told him that people who love don't punch eachother in the face. Furthermore, I told him that things have progressed much too far. It is much to late for that, and if he really cared, he would wish me well, and want me to meet a nice man and be happy.
He didn't seem so happy.
Anyhow...It was an awkward and uncomfortable experience. I'm glad it's over. I basically told him to move on and meet someone, to find happiness, and to wish me well. When the conversation persisted, I asked him to not be obsessive...To please just be happy and let me be. I admitted to casually being introduced to people, but did not talk beyond that.
I feel sad for him...But really...What am I to do? I had to tell him the truth...That I have NO desire to get back together...The divorce is finally over...I just want to move on. I want to be free.
GOD...Are all men this difficult, or do I just know how to pick 'em?
I really truly just want him to be happy....Then he will leave me alone. When I basically said that I was not interested, he got back to the re-opened custody dispute...When would I reply to the lawyers...We are going to hash it out in court...blah blah blah.
I chose not to answer. I feel stronger, but I know that I am taking strength from the people around me who hold me up and make me feel secure.
Tonight, I go to Rich's to review our court strategy. Hold on...Here we go again...
Monday, August 21, 2006
Mending the Emotional Wounds
I spent the past few days basically trying to get my emotional headspace back. I'm feeling normal again, thanks to ALL my friends. This one took alot of support from around 10 friends who knew when to push me and when to back off, and I'll be eternally grateful to them for not letting me drown. I also went to visit a friend this weekend, and now I'm feeling emotionally golden and solid again. Thank God for good friends.
So, I've given this alot of thought, and I have a game plan. Thank God for the people who helped me put it together, but basically, I'm going to represent myself with the assistance of Rich, who is an LLB. I'll go to a lawyer to look over my case before I go to court, to give us any tips etc if we need them. I just can't afford a lawyer right now, and besides....I can talk as well as the next guy :)
I am going to bring up everything in court. The way I see it, I need to bury this as deep as I can so it sticks for as long as possible. This is the only way to do it. The past two years of emotional healing should be enough to help me through the ordeal...if not, some psychologist somewhere will make a heck of alot of money. Joking of course.
Anyhow, that's the story...let's see how it unfolds.
So, I've given this alot of thought, and I have a game plan. Thank God for the people who helped me put it together, but basically, I'm going to represent myself with the assistance of Rich, who is an LLB. I'll go to a lawyer to look over my case before I go to court, to give us any tips etc if we need them. I just can't afford a lawyer right now, and besides....I can talk as well as the next guy :)
I am going to bring up everything in court. The way I see it, I need to bury this as deep as I can so it sticks for as long as possible. This is the only way to do it. The past two years of emotional healing should be enough to help me through the ordeal...if not, some psychologist somewhere will make a heck of alot of money. Joking of course.
Anyhow, that's the story...let's see how it unfolds.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Soccer Mom, Lawyer's Letter
So, this was my first week on my own with the children, without my ex's help in the weekdays. It's very tiring, not to mention the late working nights to catch up. My kids had soccer Monday night and Wednesday night (tonight). I had to leave the office at 4pm both days. Getting in at 9:30 is not good for the schedule either...So I have to work late at night to make up for the short day. After all, my work still has to get done. The lack of sleep resulting from the late nights is bad for me too. So I think I'm creating a bad cycle. I'll have to figure this one out.
So- here is my week so far. Monday- My mom had her angiogram. All went well. No blockages. I cannot describe how incredibly relieved I was to hear the news. My mom being the superwoman she is, thought she would be able to go back to work the next day. We had to force her to take the week off work. Actually, I had to call her office and advise them that she won't be coming in. She was furious, but at least we are forcing her to rest after the test. I am starting to realize that I am a lot like my mom. Now that is scary.
Monday night, I had to take my son to soccer. Since I've told my ex that he can't have the children on weeknights anymore, I had to take him myself. The weird thing is that my ex is the soccer coach, so he was there when I got there. I saw all the parents looking at me when I got there. It was my first time attending a game. I can only imagine what he's said about me to those people. They must think I'm a witch or something. Then again...Who cares? I'll never see them again in my life anyways.
There have been many times in the past where I have contemplated going to the children's games. I haven't gone because I didn't want to confuse the children by having both their parents present together, or by having us present but apart so they would have to explain it to their friends. I just thought it was easier for them if I stepped out. It was hard to do, but I did it for them. Now that I won't let him have the kids on weekdays, and since he is the coach, I've put myself in the very situation I've been trying to avoid for the past year. **Sigh. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is my daughter's soccer night. I took my children to the field, only to see my ex there. He is not her soccer coach, so this was a bit of a surprise. I asked what he was doing there and he muttered something about being entitled to watch his children play soccer and that I had no right to tell him otherwise. I stepped down and decided not to argue the point, because I think he may be right. I'm not sure what the legal answer is to that, and besides, I'm not trying to be spiteful here, just trying to protect the children. As long as I'm there, they are protected, so I decided to be fair about everything and not to argue with him. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't bother me to see him there. It did. But I think that's why he was there. Either way, I am glad that I got to see my daughter play soccer. She's pretty good, in fact, she plays even better than my son. I was very impressed to see her running and kicking her little heart out. That's my baby! You go girl!
Anyhow, after the game I was talking to one of the moms from my daughter's school. She is also a single mom and her ex lives in Jamaica. For some bizarre reason she kept going on and on about how lucky I am that my ex lives in the country and is an involved father and is around to provide positive role modeling to my children. Positive role modeling my foot. She has no clue what I've been through with this man. And my ex, who was within earshot had a huge smirk on his face. Great...Just what I needed. Fuel his flames some more. Thanks chick. I needed that like I need a hole in the head. Anyhow, I'm sure I'll have to deal with that backlash at some point or another.
I'm hanging in as best as I can, but I have to be honest. I do not see an end to all this crap. Some days things just feel so totally hopeless, I wonder why I bother wasting my energy when I never seem to win or get anywhere.
Here is the kicker...The best part. On our way home, I checked the mail. In the mail, I found a priority post letter from my ex's lawyer. It turns out he wants 50/50 access to the children. Here are a few key points from the letter:
OK- WHAT THE HELL? I mean honestly! Here is what's making me angry:
OK- so I spoke to a dear friend tonight and he recommended that I calm down and start doing legwork. He gently told me that it's time to bring out the big guns in court. To talk about the abuse and detail his recent behavior with the children. I really didn't want to do this, but I think he's right.
I really do not want to go to the office tomorrow. I am feeling overwhelmed and am in no mood to deal with work. I would much rather curl in a ball and hide away from the world.
I also feel like I'm losing my faith. Muslims believe that after hardship always comes ease....WHERE is the ease???? When is it coming? I've been a decent person all my life...when will this get easier? Sigh. I think I'll stop holding my breath on this one.
So- here is my week so far. Monday- My mom had her angiogram. All went well. No blockages. I cannot describe how incredibly relieved I was to hear the news. My mom being the superwoman she is, thought she would be able to go back to work the next day. We had to force her to take the week off work. Actually, I had to call her office and advise them that she won't be coming in. She was furious, but at least we are forcing her to rest after the test. I am starting to realize that I am a lot like my mom. Now that is scary.
Monday night, I had to take my son to soccer. Since I've told my ex that he can't have the children on weeknights anymore, I had to take him myself. The weird thing is that my ex is the soccer coach, so he was there when I got there. I saw all the parents looking at me when I got there. It was my first time attending a game. I can only imagine what he's said about me to those people. They must think I'm a witch or something. Then again...Who cares? I'll never see them again in my life anyways.
There have been many times in the past where I have contemplated going to the children's games. I haven't gone because I didn't want to confuse the children by having both their parents present together, or by having us present but apart so they would have to explain it to their friends. I just thought it was easier for them if I stepped out. It was hard to do, but I did it for them. Now that I won't let him have the kids on weekdays, and since he is the coach, I've put myself in the very situation I've been trying to avoid for the past year. **Sigh. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is my daughter's soccer night. I took my children to the field, only to see my ex there. He is not her soccer coach, so this was a bit of a surprise. I asked what he was doing there and he muttered something about being entitled to watch his children play soccer and that I had no right to tell him otherwise. I stepped down and decided not to argue the point, because I think he may be right. I'm not sure what the legal answer is to that, and besides, I'm not trying to be spiteful here, just trying to protect the children. As long as I'm there, they are protected, so I decided to be fair about everything and not to argue with him. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't bother me to see him there. It did. But I think that's why he was there. Either way, I am glad that I got to see my daughter play soccer. She's pretty good, in fact, she plays even better than my son. I was very impressed to see her running and kicking her little heart out. That's my baby! You go girl!
Anyhow, after the game I was talking to one of the moms from my daughter's school. She is also a single mom and her ex lives in Jamaica. For some bizarre reason she kept going on and on about how lucky I am that my ex lives in the country and is an involved father and is around to provide positive role modeling to my children. Positive role modeling my foot. She has no clue what I've been through with this man. And my ex, who was within earshot had a huge smirk on his face. Great...Just what I needed. Fuel his flames some more. Thanks chick. I needed that like I need a hole in the head. Anyhow, I'm sure I'll have to deal with that backlash at some point or another.
I'm hanging in as best as I can, but I have to be honest. I do not see an end to all this crap. Some days things just feel so totally hopeless, I wonder why I bother wasting my energy when I never seem to win or get anywhere.
Here is the kicker...The best part. On our way home, I checked the mail. In the mail, I found a priority post letter from my ex's lawyer. It turns out he wants 50/50 access to the children. Here are a few key points from the letter:
- Apparently, I am treating this like a dictatorship. Since we have joint custody, I cannot make unilateral decisions about the children's schooling, and which school they attend. My ex wants them in an Islamic School, I want them in Public School. The way I see it, he doesn't PAY for any of it so why should he have a say? I am paying for all the day care and after school support so really, it should be my decision. I'm not particularly concerned about this one. There isn't a court in the country that can force me to send my children to Islamic school instead of Public School. I'm sure to win this one. And not to be mean, but given the current political environment and the negative publicity Muslims have been receiving, I'm sure to win this anyways. Sorry Muslim friends...but you know I'm right...
- He now wants 50/50 time with the children. Meaning 2-3 weekdays plus every other weekend.
- He wants to be able to enrol them in more extra-curricular activities. I previously agreed to one activity per week per child. I mean, he's not employed so where does he expect to pay for all this from? Apparently, I'm being unreasonable.
- I have until Aug 25 to reply or else he's taking me to court.
OK- WHAT THE HELL? I mean honestly! Here is what's making me angry:
- He doesn't have the money to pay child support for those children, but somehow he's managed to retain a lawyer! Not a legal aid lawyer but a REAL lawyer! How is that possible?
- He doesn't have the money for child support but he has the money for extra curricular activities
- With me carrying all the expenses for the children, I cannot afford a lawyer, so I'm basically screwed. I'll have to represent myself in court. Since I own a house and have a decent job, I am not eligible for legal aid
- I might have to drag the children to testify or get a children's lawyer...I can't afford a children's lawyer nor do I want to put the children through that
- I am not mentally in the space to go to court YET AGAIN
OK- so I spoke to a dear friend tonight and he recommended that I calm down and start doing legwork. He gently told me that it's time to bring out the big guns in court. To talk about the abuse and detail his recent behavior with the children. I really didn't want to do this, but I think he's right.
I really do not want to go to the office tomorrow. I am feeling overwhelmed and am in no mood to deal with work. I would much rather curl in a ball and hide away from the world.
I also feel like I'm losing my faith. Muslims believe that after hardship always comes ease....WHERE is the ease???? When is it coming? I've been a decent person all my life...when will this get easier? Sigh. I think I'll stop holding my breath on this one.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I found the Lawn Cutting Dude!
I found out who cut my lawn! I asked my other neighbour, and he said it wasn't him, but that he was going to do it if I didn't do it by that weekend :)
So there is a teenage kid around the corner from me. I've been asking around if he could cut my grass, and never got the opportunity to speak to him directly. Apparently my other neighbours felt sorry for me, and rang his bell while I was away, and arranged for him to cut my grass on a regular basis. Did I mention how much I LOVE my neighbours? So anyways, the guy came and cut my grass while I was away. He came today to let me know, and to see if I was interested in continuing with him. HELL YA!
So, for a mere $20 a month, my back and front lawn will be cut every other week. I am so happy. I hate yard work. And, he's agreed to shovel the snow in the winter. I am off the hook for the outside work! Whoo hooooo!
Happy happy happy!
So there is a teenage kid around the corner from me. I've been asking around if he could cut my grass, and never got the opportunity to speak to him directly. Apparently my other neighbours felt sorry for me, and rang his bell while I was away, and arranged for him to cut my grass on a regular basis. Did I mention how much I LOVE my neighbours? So anyways, the guy came and cut my grass while I was away. He came today to let me know, and to see if I was interested in continuing with him. HELL YA!
So, for a mere $20 a month, my back and front lawn will be cut every other week. I am so happy. I hate yard work. And, he's agreed to shovel the snow in the winter. I am off the hook for the outside work! Whoo hooooo!
Happy happy happy!
Centre Island
I took the children to Centre Island yesterday. They had a fantastic time. I never realized this, but they've never been on a boat. The highlight of their day was the ferry ride to the Island. I wanted to give the children some time to just chat...Away from friends and family, so I could see how they are doing. They seem to be doing just fine. Most of all, I really feel they enjoyed the alone time with me. I wish I had the resources to take them away somewhere for a week. Since that isn't possible at the moment, I'll have to stick to day trips for now.
It's amazing how resilient children are. I had some really good talks with them yesterday, and they are very well aware of the fact that their dad is pressuring them, and of the fact that it isn't right. They expressed that they enjoy the time with me because I just like to make sure "everything is fun" and because I "don't get mad easily".
I'm personally a bit stressed about the possibility of another legal battle. I'm finding my mind a bit scatterbrained, and I've yet again reached a point where I have no desire to go to the office, or do much of anything until I've settled this issue. It's amazing what an enormous impact personal factors like this can have on our motivation to do other things in our life. Really, in the grand scheme of things, a few days in the office feel unimportant compared to the stuff I'm dealing with now...But either way, we plug along and do what we have to do right? Right now, I wish I were self employed and had people that could manage my workload for me, so I could deal with the current issue at hand. Then again, there is always vacation time that can be used I suppose.
To top it off, my mom has some health tests tomorrow, and my mind is on that as well. I'm debating if I should take Monday off and be with her, or if I should let my sister go with her. Yet another thing to think about.
So, the main focus for me now is to get through this stuff with my ex. To see what my options are. I spoke to someone who is fairly well versed on this stuff and she said that in her opinion, I won't have a case to fight for full custody at this time. Mean and dirty tricks are apparently common in divorced households, and if there isn't actually physical abuse happening, I don't have much of a leg to stand on.
Like I said...It's sick...I almost have to wait until it's too late to have the power to do anything. Either way, I'll get a second opinion. Wish me luck.
It's amazing how resilient children are. I had some really good talks with them yesterday, and they are very well aware of the fact that their dad is pressuring them, and of the fact that it isn't right. They expressed that they enjoy the time with me because I just like to make sure "everything is fun" and because I "don't get mad easily".
I'm personally a bit stressed about the possibility of another legal battle. I'm finding my mind a bit scatterbrained, and I've yet again reached a point where I have no desire to go to the office, or do much of anything until I've settled this issue. It's amazing what an enormous impact personal factors like this can have on our motivation to do other things in our life. Really, in the grand scheme of things, a few days in the office feel unimportant compared to the stuff I'm dealing with now...But either way, we plug along and do what we have to do right? Right now, I wish I were self employed and had people that could manage my workload for me, so I could deal with the current issue at hand. Then again, there is always vacation time that can be used I suppose.
To top it off, my mom has some health tests tomorrow, and my mind is on that as well. I'm debating if I should take Monday off and be with her, or if I should let my sister go with her. Yet another thing to think about.
So, the main focus for me now is to get through this stuff with my ex. To see what my options are. I spoke to someone who is fairly well versed on this stuff and she said that in her opinion, I won't have a case to fight for full custody at this time. Mean and dirty tricks are apparently common in divorced households, and if there isn't actually physical abuse happening, I don't have much of a leg to stand on.
Like I said...It's sick...I almost have to wait until it's too late to have the power to do anything. Either way, I'll get a second opinion. Wish me luck.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Straightening out the Deal
I've spend the past couple of days ironing out my never ending issues with my ex. I made the mistake in July of letting him have weekday access to the children so that he could take them for extra curricular activities like soccer. At the time, my reasoning was that it was better for the children to be involved in these activities with their dad than to be parked at some daycare waiting for me to get home for work. I thought wrong.
I keep having to re-learn past lessons. That either makes me really stupid or really trusting/naive. So here we go again. With my ex, you give an inch, he takes a mile. I knew things were getting a bit weird when my daughter indicated that she would rather spend time with me than be with her dad. I had a feeling that perhaps things weren't going that well.
Recently, it has come to my attention that my ex is basically bribing the children and pressuring them to get me to let him have even more time with him. This is outrageous. Not only am I giving him extra time in good faith, but I also at the same time have the basic trust that he won't abuse the privilege. He obviously doesn't care much for the children's emotional well being, because he's been pressuring them, harassing them, and basically telling them that he can't talk to me directly because he "hates their mother". My children asked me why their daddy hates me.
How sad. How sick. How completely unforgivable. Putting children in the middle of their parent's issues is just plain wrong, and saying bad things about the other parent is just plain mean.
So, I spent most of yesterday batting back and forth emails that basically said that he is to have no more access to the children above and beyond the court order. Ever. If he wants to see them, he can take me to court. I know it seems harsh, but the only way to keep this man in a safe place, and to protect my children is to minimize his contact with them. Even if they don't understand why I'm doing it.
Today, the children had many questions for me. Their father was kind enough to tell them that I am "cutting their time together" and that I am being "very mean" and that they should talk to me for him. We had a very nice chat together, and I basically told them that it was unfair for him to put them in that position. I asked them if they wanted to see more of their dad, reassured that it was a safe environment to speak in front of me. They admitted that they don't really like going there too much, and that they would prefer to be at home with me. I told them not to worry, that they are safe and that I'm just protecting their best interests. Should they want to see more of their dad, they are welcome to do so, but he is not allowed to pressure them into it. They seemed satisfied with that answer. Thank God my children are so easy to talk to.
I spoke to a friend today and he told me to prepare for issues with my ex over the next year. He thinks it will get worse before it gets better. He may be right. I'm learning as I go along, but I think overall, the only way for this to work is for me not to be myself. No trusting, no feeling sorry for him, no giving benefit of the doubt. Rules are rules, and that's how it will stay.
It's true...Children bring out the tigress in their moms. But man, am I ever feeling tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, for the first time, I actually almost thought that the children would have been better off if I had just stayed with my ex, so that I could always be around to protect them. That thought lasted just a few seconds. Clearly, putting myself through that misery would not have been the answer. The right answer is to develop enough of a backbone to keep this man at bay.
And just imagine, a few days ago, someone said that I'm not maternal just because I didn't want to have more children...Yah right, not maternal? Just ask my children that question.
I keep having to re-learn past lessons. That either makes me really stupid or really trusting/naive. So here we go again. With my ex, you give an inch, he takes a mile. I knew things were getting a bit weird when my daughter indicated that she would rather spend time with me than be with her dad. I had a feeling that perhaps things weren't going that well.
Recently, it has come to my attention that my ex is basically bribing the children and pressuring them to get me to let him have even more time with him. This is outrageous. Not only am I giving him extra time in good faith, but I also at the same time have the basic trust that he won't abuse the privilege. He obviously doesn't care much for the children's emotional well being, because he's been pressuring them, harassing them, and basically telling them that he can't talk to me directly because he "hates their mother". My children asked me why their daddy hates me.
How sad. How sick. How completely unforgivable. Putting children in the middle of their parent's issues is just plain wrong, and saying bad things about the other parent is just plain mean.
So, I spent most of yesterday batting back and forth emails that basically said that he is to have no more access to the children above and beyond the court order. Ever. If he wants to see them, he can take me to court. I know it seems harsh, but the only way to keep this man in a safe place, and to protect my children is to minimize his contact with them. Even if they don't understand why I'm doing it.
Today, the children had many questions for me. Their father was kind enough to tell them that I am "cutting their time together" and that I am being "very mean" and that they should talk to me for him. We had a very nice chat together, and I basically told them that it was unfair for him to put them in that position. I asked them if they wanted to see more of their dad, reassured that it was a safe environment to speak in front of me. They admitted that they don't really like going there too much, and that they would prefer to be at home with me. I told them not to worry, that they are safe and that I'm just protecting their best interests. Should they want to see more of their dad, they are welcome to do so, but he is not allowed to pressure them into it. They seemed satisfied with that answer. Thank God my children are so easy to talk to.
I spoke to a friend today and he told me to prepare for issues with my ex over the next year. He thinks it will get worse before it gets better. He may be right. I'm learning as I go along, but I think overall, the only way for this to work is for me not to be myself. No trusting, no feeling sorry for him, no giving benefit of the doubt. Rules are rules, and that's how it will stay.
It's true...Children bring out the tigress in their moms. But man, am I ever feeling tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, for the first time, I actually almost thought that the children would have been better off if I had just stayed with my ex, so that I could always be around to protect them. That thought lasted just a few seconds. Clearly, putting myself through that misery would not have been the answer. The right answer is to develop enough of a backbone to keep this man at bay.
And just imagine, a few days ago, someone said that I'm not maternal just because I didn't want to have more children...Yah right, not maternal? Just ask my children that question.
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