Mr. NYC

Remember Mr. NYC?  I think he's married.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he is.  I won't get into how I know, but I found out two weeks ago.

I haven't spoken to him in a really long time.  And I'm not sure why I feel so weirded out by it, but I do.  Maybe it's because I came SO close to marrying him.  Maybe it's because I have wondered for the past couple of years if I made a mistake saying no to him.  Maybe it's the finality of it.  Maybe he was always a possible back up plan in my head (I know, that's totally horrible), but either way, it's how I feel.

Don't get me wrong.  I am happy for him.  He's a great guy and he deserves to be happy.  I just feel weird.  I'm sure in some way or another this totally closed chapter in my life will be better for me.  But right now, I can't help wondering if I let the best thing ever leave my life.  He treated me better than any guy ever did.  Ever.  He loved me sincerely.  I just wasn't able to move for him.  I couldn't do it to the kids, and he wouldn't move here.  Circumstances I guess.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not that I haven't met other great guys.  I have.  Nor am I desperate in any way.  I know I will settle down when I'm ready, IF I'm ever ready.  (I often wonder if I will ever marry again.  I don't know that I will trust anyone enough to open up to them.  The few good guys I met over the past few years, friends and romantically, they have left me feeling like nobody will ever be the one I want/need in my life).  And for that reason, I am by choice, still single, and unsure if I want to be married, ever.

But this one tiny part of me does wonder if I should have taken the leap with Mr. NYC.  I came SO close...