A Weekend with Mom and Dad

I'm spending this weekend with my mom and dad.  Nothing like some TLC to make you feel better.

It's funny.  I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea.  She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep.  It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left.  There is no better feeling in the world than that.

It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is?  Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me?  Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work.  So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?

While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children?  Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?

I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK.  So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?

That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.

Back to healing.  Thank God for my mom.

And it Spreads

I went to the doctor today.  He says the pneumonia has spread to my other lung, and that it's pretty serious.  I have to be off work again next week.  That's going to be my third week off work, which is hard for me to believe.  Even when I was hospitalized for a week back in 2004, just four months before I left my husband, I went back to work 3 days after coming out of the hospital.  I'm not trying to be a martyr.  I've learned that it doesn't get me anywhere to hold work above all else, but I do have to say that 6 months into a new job, it feels really crappy to take 3 weeks off for an illness.  I work for a totally awesome woman who told me that she had pneumonia once and that she came back to work earlier than she should have and was back at home two weeks after returning to the office, and the second time she was off for a month.  She is super understanding and supportive, which just makes me feel even worse.

As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick.  It never ends with him.  Some people were just made with evil souls.  I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up.  Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder.  The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.

I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick.  I think she may be right.  That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.

Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer.  Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes.  The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital.  I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.

So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.

I'd rather be at work...

Pneumonia

I don't think I can remember ever being this sick....it's the most horrible feeling in the world.  I've been out of the office for a whole week and the doc says I will be out the next week as well.  It's brutal.

It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad.  Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally.  Mentally?  Now that is the pot calling the kettle black.  I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it.  I'd rather just sleep and recover.  But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth.  There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.

Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me.  I really have nothing to complain about.  Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person.  Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking.  Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal.  Sad but true.

I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop.  There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things.  If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...

I don't get it.  The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife.   Like, last week.  I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives.  Maybe he is incapable of happiness.  And kindness.  And human dignity.

I was originally so happy when I heard she was here.  You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone.  But I guess I was way off on that.  Assholes never go away.   They just become bigger assholes.

So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever.  My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness.  It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious.  It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.

Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...

Meeting up with an old Friend

I had lunch with a friend from high school a few weeks back.  She was actually my best friend in high school, and we lost touch after I was married.  Actually, I lost touch with a lot of people after I married Mr. Psycho.  We reconnected through Facebook and met up after almost 20 years.  It was awesome to see her.

Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day.  One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before.  It's absolutely amazing.  What a gift.

2010 in Review

I have to say that last year was not a bad one at all.  It was probably the first really good year I had since the divorce.  My year in review- I counted the good and the bad:

The good:

• I was actually content, for the most part.  Yes, there were stressful patches, but overall, I learned to accept my life for what it is
• I changed jobs and found one where so far, I feel more appreciated, I work 9-5 so I have better work life balance, and I got a chance to switch it up a bit
• My friends :)  I love you guys
• As the debts get lower, financial peace of mind is on the horizon :)
• I cleaned out my whole house over the holidays to give myself mental freedom.   I got rid of 45 garbage bags full of stuff and cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels
• I spent 2 entire weeks over the holidays doing nothing, and I kept the blackberry off.  That is the first time in my life that I turned a blackberry off for any length of time.

The bad:

• My ex is at it again (he is such a mental case, and a jerk....I just need to accept that he will never change)- I will write about his psycho episodes another time.
• I have a few things to figure out in my personal life- but I will get there.
• Towards the end of the year, my health has been taking a bit of a mysterious turn.  Doctors are working with me to figure it out.  I'm told it's nothing major.  I think it's the years of stress taking a toll on my body.

How was your 2010?