Graduation at Ontario Place

I witnessed something so beautiful I had to blog it.  But before I get there, let me describe the daily joys of raising a child with ADHD.  My son had his graduation school trip today to Ontario Place.  I got up early, packed his lunch, and got him ready for his long awaited trip.  Now, my son has a tendency to forget things.  I don't know if it's him, or if it's the ADHD, but this is a normal part of our routine.  As a result, my son has 3 lunch bags.  (He often forgets the bag at school, so I have backups).  So after I go through the loving routine of packing his lunch, and dropping him to school, I come home only to find the lunch bag on the floor by the door.  I wasn't sure if he grabbed an empty lunch box or if he just forgot it.  Either way, it wasn't the first time. I rushed to the school, just as the school buses pulled in, and gave the lunch box to the office secretary who promised to make sure he would get it before getting on the bus.

At the end of the day, I went to pick up my son.  He gets into the car and says "I didn't know you brought my lunch box...they just gave it to me now".  SERIOUSLY????  My main thoughts are 'Oh my God! my baby spent the day hungry'.  I also felt angry because I dropped off the lunch box before the buses left and he still didn't get it on time.

So I asked him "What did you eat all day?"  And then he reminded me about the $10.  Here is the sweet part - As I dropped him to school, I searched in my bag for $10 so he could have some spending money.  I told him to buy ice cream or a treat.  But I only had $20 bills (damned bank machines!).  So, I gave him a $20 bill and asked him to promise to bring home $10, and reminded him that I was trusting him.  (It's not about the money.  I don't believe in children spending money thoughtlessly- that's how they get spoiled).

Anyhow, when I asked what he ate- he said "Ice cream and popcorn, because that's what you said I could spend the money on".  "Sweetie, you had $20.  When you realized you forgot your lunch, you could have spent the rest on pizza or something.  You know I wouldn't have wanted you to be hungry".  "No mommy.  You said a treat like ice cream or a treat at the gift shop, and not to spend more than $10.  I also wanted to buy a present for my sister, and I promised to only spend $10, so I didn't know if I had enough for pizza too.  It's OK, I wasn't hungry. I had a big breakfast".

Awwww :(

What's worse?

• That the secretary failed to give him the lunch?
• That I gave him too strict a rule around the $10, and that he went hungry in the process of trying to respect my rules?
• That he was so sweet he gave up a slice of pizza to buy a present for his sister, making me feel oh-so-guilty?

I was teary eyed when he told me.  Then he handed me two fives and a loonie.  I asked him what the loonie was for, and he said it was the change, and that he wanted to be responsible and show me that I could trust him with money.

I don't know if I actually taught him a good lesson, or if I'm just a shmuck.  Then again, maybe it was me who learned the lesson.  My heart melted today.  Every now and then, this child surprises me.  There are moments where he drives me nuts, and other moments, like the one today, where I look at him and see a child full of promise for the future, ADHD or no ADHD.

Week 2 at Home

I get to work from home for the week.  I guess there is extra security in the city, and so they have asked us not to come in.  I'm not complaining.  I love working from home (I mean, spare 2 hours of commute time, why not?)- and to be honest, it's a great way to spend week 2.  I have 2GB of things to read through (I know because it filled 2 memory sticks) and a presentation to put together, so I will definitely be busy.

As I type this, I have my home-made iced tea in front of me, and I am about to go outside on the front porch to read presentations, drink ice tea and sit in my yoga pants, t-shirt and sunglasses so I can soak up the sun while I work.  Hmm- soak up the sun and work.  I think I just re-defined multi-tasking.  But in a really good way. :)

Life is good.

Back to the Grind...

I really enjoyed being lazy....it was something I never really got to do in my life.  Mat leave was the only time I ever had off, and really, that wasn't time off.

So I started the new job.  Today was day 3....so far so good.  I learned a few things:

• Companies in the same industry are more similar than different 
• That being said, culture is radically different from one place to the next
• I feel good about this change :)
• Taking public transit to work is not fun if you are used to driving in/yapping on the phone and listening to the radio full blast in the morning
• When you take public transit, you cannot wear heels to work or your feet get blisters by the end of the day (mental note, I need to buy appropriate walking shoes)
• Makeup melts off your face if you run to catch a train in the heat
• Saying you have to catch a train is a good way to leave the office on time without people bugging you to stay for "five more minutes"
• When you leave a company after 18 years, you feel lost in the new place, but the new place will still treat you like you are the best thing since sliced bread (great feeling)
• Good friends from your last company will still stay by your side even after you leave.  See - those friendships weren't because of the company-they ARE because of the people!

Overall, I am feeling good so far.  

Time Flies.

I start my new job tomorrow.  I can't believe it's been almost 4 weeks already.  I don't even know where the time went.

This was the first time in my life that I ever just blew with the wind.  I mean, I went to the gym, I cleaned up, I rested, watched TV, hung out with some friends....I could SO get used to this life.  I did not keep a calendar, I did not answer to anyone, and I really just enjoyed myself.  It was good.  And I learned to let go of a few toxic things along the way.  Some were related to my personal life, some were related to friends, and some were just related to me being too hard on myself.  It was all good.  I feel happy.

Well, I'm excited about starting another new chapter in my life.  Very excited.  Wish me luck...

Baby Wipes

Conversations like the one I had with my son this morning remind me of how messed up things can sometimes be.

I was driving my son to school, and as I turned the corner, I watched my son rustle through his backpack.  And then a little blue package caught my eye.  I asked him what it was and he tried to brush me off.  I asked if I could see it and he pulled out a little mini packet of baby wipes.  Weird.  I asked where he got it and he said he found it in a diaper bag at his dad's house.  So my next questions were what is your dad doing with a diaper bag, and why do you have an empty packet of baby wipes in your backpack?

His answer?  Get out the tissue box my friends....

He found it in our old diaper bag that was amongst some of his dad's old things.  He kept the old baby wipe packet in his backpack, because it reminded him of the times when his dad and I were together.  It made him think about times where all of us must have gone out together as a family, and done happy things together.  A time when he had a real family.  He said they must have been really happy times.

And in the hope of keeping and old and distant memory, my son keeps an empty packet of diaper wipes tucked secretly away in a hidden compartment of his backpack.

How sad is that?  And just imagine- I thought the kids were OK, and that they were doing well.  When really, it sounds more like they need serious therapy.

Sighhhh.  How do you know when you are doing enough as a single mom?  And how do you bridge the sadness for these children?  

My heart feels so heavy today...now I feel like I'm the one who needs the therapy.

The Good Looking Officer

I had to go to traffic court a few days ago. Recall my accident almost a year ago....the guy who was charged was fighting the ticket and I got summoned to come to court as a witness. What a total waste of time, but I guess they have to do it. If I didn't show, there would be nobody to tell the other side and they would have to drop the charges. So I went to court. I debated not going at all. I mean the guy was nice, he didn't mean to ram into me, and he was nice about making sure I was OK. So why should I care if he doesn't get charged?

Well, apparently when you are summoned to appear in court, you kind of have to go. So I went.

When I got there, I recognized the guy who hit me. He waved and came over to chat. Like I said, nice enough guy. As we were talking, this really really good looking police officer walks by. He waves to the cop and says hello. I say "Damn, he is good looking....you know him?" His response, "Yes I do, and so do you. He is the officer that came to our accident scene and he is the one that gave me the ticket. And by the way, you said the exact same thing when the accident happened".

I DID?? (Man I'm getting old. I don't remember that!)

The guy goes on to say "Yes, you did....you got out of your car, complained about your back pain, took one look at the officer and said 'damn, he's good looking'.

I'm so embarrassed. Firstly, how wrong is it to make a comment like that? Secondly, how wrong is it to do it twice??? I feel like I'm one big walking hormone. Like in high school. Sheesh.

Mental note. Don't look at the cops. Especially not the good looking ones. And if you do, keep your comments in your head. Inside voice Shaz, inside voice.

Remember when you were a child?

I've been able to spend more time with my children lately. It's been really nice. And I've been able to pay more attention to the things that I haven't been able to pay attention to before....perhaps because my mind was so occupied. I've been able to chat more with the children, listen to the things on their mind, and all of it has also taken me down memory lane.

Take for example the other night. I was watching TV and went upstairs to go to bed. I saw a little light coming out from under the covers in my son's room. My first reaction- anger. If this child is playing video games under that blanket at 11pm, I'm going to tear a strip off him. So I walk in his room and ask what he is doing. He responds with "I'm sorry mama. Please don't be mad". And he pulls out a flashlight. And a book. My son was reading a book! Let me clarify- MY SON with ADHD who hates reading was reading at 11pm under the covers. He couldn't put down the Gordon Korman book I got him from the library. So I remind myself that this is a teachable moment. React nicely. I smile and say "No honey. I'm not mad, I did that when I was little too. I'm glad you like the book, and I don't mind you reading under the covers, but can you do this on weekends? If you don't go to bed on time, you're going to be late for school tomorrow." He beamed. "I love you mama". I respond with "I love you too. Hey that must be some good book, huh?"....

The funny thing is, I did the exact same thing when I was little. I would love reading under the covers with a flashlight. It actually made me happy he was doing it. (And even more happy it wasn't a video game)...

Today, I had another flashback to childhood. I was coming home from the gym and decided to drive by the children's school. I had no specific reason, I just thought it would be neat to see if they were outside. And they were. I parked my car and watched the children play. I couldn't spot my children, but what I saw was pure joy. Children laughing, running, playing, being carefree. It was beautiful, and it reminded me of our recess breaks in school. Exchanging stickers, playing with Barbie dolls, and playing tag. And here they were. It sure was fun being a kid.

I wanted to run in and play too. I wanted to let go of all my adult worries for just 10 minutes and play tag with the children. I wanted to forget the bills, the new job, the old job, counting calories, going to the gym. I just wanted to play.

I'm glad they are children. I'm glad they are happy. But most of all, I love these rare moments where I can reminisce and live vicariously through them.