A Flashback

Today was one of those totally drained days. I'm reaching that point again, where I feel like I want to run away from home to get away from everyone. I am finding work stressful and irritating, I'm finding my personal life all confusing, and I'm feeling that I'm needing a break.

I was lying on the couch totally exhausted this afternoon, and the kids were running in and out of the house. They wanted me to take them to the park. No can do kiddies, mommy is exhausted, and is feeling a bit lethargic. And just at that moment, I had the weirdest feeling...like I was back in that home that I shared with my ex in Markham. I felt like life was "normal" again (as if anything were ever normal in my marriage- what a joke!), and I had the weirdest desire to call him from where ever he was in the house and ask him to take the kids to the park so I could rest for an hour. Except I live alone. He isn't here, and this was all a stupid thought process.

I guess every now and then I realize the benefits of being a two parent family- the normalcy for the kids, the not having to fight to prove yourself to the world, the looking like a perfect family. And then I caught it. At that very moment, right there- the WANTING to have the appearance of perfection. Funny how that sneaks up on me every now and then. It's not like my marriage was normal. I mean, thank GOD I'm out. Then again, it's not like my life is perfect today. But there is something very weird within me that always wants things to LOOK perfect to the outsider looking in. I wonder why that is? It's like the desire to always look good, even if you're a mess. I SO need to get rid of that- the feeling that what others think somehow represents what I am, the feeling that I need to pass things off as perfect in order to be seen as successful.

Despite the fact that I have many stressed out and miserable moments, I'm also finding that in some moments, I'm happy with my life, as imperfect as it might be. If nothing else, I am the result of the choices I have made. So far, I think I've made the right ones, with the exception of marrying my ex. I think what I'm trying to say is that although life is still crappy a lot of the time, I'm still relatively confident that I've made the right choices, and that two years from now I will be a lot better off, and a lot more emotionally settled. I think I'm well on my way, but these are baby steps.

Let's see how I am two years from now, and how these flashbacks make me feel at that time. IF they are still around.

60 is the New 40

It was my mom's 60th birthday on Friday. We had a nice family get together at a restaurant, and went back to their place for tea and cake. It was a nice evening, but I think it was a bit tough for my mom. I think she's a bit sensitive about hitting 60. This isn't all that weird for a typical Desi woman (all Desi women are sensitive about age), but my mom is not that typical. In some ways she is, in others, not so much. I mean, this is a woman who was pretty much an independent spirit all her life. She was hardly one to let a man tell her what to do (despite coming from a traditional Pak background), she lived life to the fullest, she kept her job even after her husband retired (mostly to maintain her own independence). In many ways, I think that observing her throughout my life contributed to my independence today. Watching her as I grew up, I saw a woman who could fix anything that was broken, who was the best problem solver of all, who was more practical than my father. My father was the emotional, reactive one (now you know where I get it from). My mother was the one who would let you be, as long as you weren't making massive mistakes in life. I would hate to see this woman feel that life were winding down this soon. She is, after all, in many ways, a person that I look up to.

I tried to explain to her that 60 is the new 40. I'm not so sure she buys this. And maybe when I get to that age I might be the same, who knows? In the meantime, I would like to find some way to show her that the days of old age homes taking in the 60 something people is long gone. She is 60 years YOUNG. Many more years ahead, many more dreams to unfold, many more new accomplishments to realize.

Come on mom- life is just beginning. Your children are married (OK, well, at least have been married once- damn I hate being the problem child!), you have a family that loves you, and the opportunity to explore the world, literally. Now you just have to find the motivation to get up and do it.

Here's to being motivated...

Scott Adams is Hilarious

This post made me laugh so hard that I had to pee. It's one thing to be Indo/Pak and to think it when we hear about this stupidity. It's even more hilarious to read what a white guy thinks about it. :)