Today was one of my most fun days as a parent. I took the children to the Sportmart, bought Rollerblades for them, Rollerblades for myself, went to the Mississauga Lakeshore (Jack Darling Park), and we all went rollerblading. My son was a total whiz (and unfortunately, a bit of a daredevil). I guess in hindsight I shouldn't so surprised at his confidence on Rollerblades, since he does play ice hockey, and since in line skating/rollerblading isn't that big a stretch from ice skating. Usually people who can ice skate can do alright on Rollerblades.
My daughter was cautious and a bit afraid of getting hurt at first, but with some (literal) hand holding as well as lots of encouragement, she got some confidence together and did just fine. I'm a bit rusty after 10 years of not being on Rollerblades, but I did well enough to keep up with the kids, and to teach them how to roller blade. Lots of fun.
My hope is that I can use this as an activity to keep me active with the children. Before I had the children, I was able to keep fit by going to the gym (6 days a week), and keeping active (tennis 3x a week). I can't even hope to do that (it was, after all, about 8 years ago, and pre-children), but if I can do the gym 3x week, and roller blade with the kids 1-2 times a week, that will be enough for me to know that I did the best I could. And it encourages them to keep active. And we all have fun. Sounds like a deal to me.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
New Job
It's official, I'll be moving to a new role at work on May 14. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, I'm gonna miss my old role. It's kind of a weird feeling. I was doing that for over 8 years. Talk about not giving change much of a chance.
I think I got too much into my comfort zone. I could do this job in my sleep, and that isn't good. That's when you know your brain is just going stale on a daily basis. Not that my new job will be THAT much of a stretch, but it will be a new environment, new people, new work, new routine. I think I need a fresh start.
As I forwarded the announcement to others today, without thinking, I sent it to Syd. Sometimes, I don't know what's wrong with me. Just when I think that his death won't bother me anymore, I find it coming back. I REALLY miss him. It's so weird...I think I'm losing my mind. I actually think people look like him when I'm walking down the street. It's like...I don't know. I guess I really feel the void some days more than others. He was such an awesome sounding board, and a great friend. Those are just hard to replace, and hard to get by without.
On the court front, my ex and I have decided not to proceed to court. We're going to try the "be civil and co-parent" route. Again. This never worked the first time, so I'm not sure that it will work this time. Who knows. It's better than wasting 40k in court. 40k that I don't have. Honestly, I hate the system here. This is all just wrong. Now I have to work with him and pretend that nothing happened. Where is the justice?
On another note, I'm starting to see small signs of my former eating disorder. I keep fearing that it will start to creep back. I keep fighting it, but I can totally feel it. It's the weirdest thing, because I had it way back in high school. Since then, I have been consciously aware of it, making sure that it's always in check, but I've never felt any of it again. This time, the negative thoughts are most definitely back, but I just haven't acted on them, and I'm hoping that I never will. I'm going to have to go back to my MD to talk about it. I wonder why all this is happening now? Things seem to be more in order now more than ever.
I started to see the first strong signs of it when Syd died. Everything was stressful, and they got even worse after that. Now, I'm in that mental screwed up zone where I'm starting to worry. I mean, don't get me wrong. I can totally afford to lose at least 20 lbs. I just don't want to do it the wrong way. The constant yes/no thoughts and mental fight isn't good for me though. It makes you doubt yourself and feel inadequate.
A few weeks ago, I started looking up liquid diets online like Opti-fast. I started to think maybe I just needed a quick fix, and that I would be fine after that. I almost ordered them. Then I had sense enough to read the fine print- something like 75% will gain back 75% of the weight within 2 years. Oh ya, please just kick me in the head. If that wouldn't start a bulimic episode, I don't know what will. I'd rather ride the dieting roller coaster than do that. The 5 lb fluctuation up and down is bad enough. Major swings like the ones from a liquid diet (30lbs up and down) would just do me in altogether.
Anyhow, let's just park all that right now. I'm going to focus on other things. The new job, no court fight, going to the gym (I just bought a monthly daycare pass) - Hooray- healthy weight loss!
Anyhow isn't it funny how I can be a bitch at work and make sure that I get my way, and that things (for the most part) go according to plan, but how I can be the total opposite in my personal life? Weird how that happens, isn't it? Whatever happened to balance?
Until then, I'll keep at the game.
For the record, I'm still thinking that eventually 2007 will be my year...
I think I got too much into my comfort zone. I could do this job in my sleep, and that isn't good. That's when you know your brain is just going stale on a daily basis. Not that my new job will be THAT much of a stretch, but it will be a new environment, new people, new work, new routine. I think I need a fresh start.
As I forwarded the announcement to others today, without thinking, I sent it to Syd. Sometimes, I don't know what's wrong with me. Just when I think that his death won't bother me anymore, I find it coming back. I REALLY miss him. It's so weird...I think I'm losing my mind. I actually think people look like him when I'm walking down the street. It's like...I don't know. I guess I really feel the void some days more than others. He was such an awesome sounding board, and a great friend. Those are just hard to replace, and hard to get by without.
On the court front, my ex and I have decided not to proceed to court. We're going to try the "be civil and co-parent" route. Again. This never worked the first time, so I'm not sure that it will work this time. Who knows. It's better than wasting 40k in court. 40k that I don't have. Honestly, I hate the system here. This is all just wrong. Now I have to work with him and pretend that nothing happened. Where is the justice?
On another note, I'm starting to see small signs of my former eating disorder. I keep fearing that it will start to creep back. I keep fighting it, but I can totally feel it. It's the weirdest thing, because I had it way back in high school. Since then, I have been consciously aware of it, making sure that it's always in check, but I've never felt any of it again. This time, the negative thoughts are most definitely back, but I just haven't acted on them, and I'm hoping that I never will. I'm going to have to go back to my MD to talk about it. I wonder why all this is happening now? Things seem to be more in order now more than ever.
I started to see the first strong signs of it when Syd died. Everything was stressful, and they got even worse after that. Now, I'm in that mental screwed up zone where I'm starting to worry. I mean, don't get me wrong. I can totally afford to lose at least 20 lbs. I just don't want to do it the wrong way. The constant yes/no thoughts and mental fight isn't good for me though. It makes you doubt yourself and feel inadequate.
A few weeks ago, I started looking up liquid diets online like Opti-fast. I started to think maybe I just needed a quick fix, and that I would be fine after that. I almost ordered them. Then I had sense enough to read the fine print- something like 75% will gain back 75% of the weight within 2 years. Oh ya, please just kick me in the head. If that wouldn't start a bulimic episode, I don't know what will. I'd rather ride the dieting roller coaster than do that. The 5 lb fluctuation up and down is bad enough. Major swings like the ones from a liquid diet (30lbs up and down) would just do me in altogether.
Anyhow, let's just park all that right now. I'm going to focus on other things. The new job, no court fight, going to the gym (I just bought a monthly daycare pass) - Hooray- healthy weight loss!
Anyhow isn't it funny how I can be a bitch at work and make sure that I get my way, and that things (for the most part) go according to plan, but how I can be the total opposite in my personal life? Weird how that happens, isn't it? Whatever happened to balance?
Until then, I'll keep at the game.
For the record, I'm still thinking that eventually 2007 will be my year...
Monday, April 09, 2007
Don't Worry. I'm Still Alive!
Wow- I never would have thought that people would start calling me when I haven't blogged. People are calling me to see if I'm OK. It's sweet and actually a bit comical.
Guys, I'm fine. I've been dealing with some things on a personal level, but for once in my life, I'm dealing with them well. Let's just say that I doubt I'll be going to NY anytime soon. And don't worry, I'm just fine. I've surprised myself actually, because really I am just fine.
And OK, well I did go to Chapters and pick up a few hilariously funny books about break ups, and they did help. It's all been a learning experience. And, you know it was a good one when you can seriously say that if you had the chance to do it all over again, you would still go down the same road. With my ex husband, I would say hell no. With Mr. NYC, I would say most definitely.
So there you have it. As for my personal soul searching and decision making....OK, well, there is no tactful way to say this, so I think I'll piss off all Muslims, Desi's (Indo-Paks) and men overall, but I think I've pretty much decided that next time, I'm done with the Paks. I'd like my next dating experience to be a...hmm...for lack of a politically correct term, I'd like to date a white guy. The indo men just aren't my type. They don't understand me, and well, I can't tolerate them. They get on my nerves. Mr. NYC was a good balance cuz his ex wife was Italian...he had the non-desi tendencies. Other than that, I think I'm ready for a big change.
So why the white guy? Here are a few bonus points:
Guys, I'm fine. I've been dealing with some things on a personal level, but for once in my life, I'm dealing with them well. Let's just say that I doubt I'll be going to NY anytime soon. And don't worry, I'm just fine. I've surprised myself actually, because really I am just fine.
And OK, well I did go to Chapters and pick up a few hilariously funny books about break ups, and they did help. It's all been a learning experience. And, you know it was a good one when you can seriously say that if you had the chance to do it all over again, you would still go down the same road. With my ex husband, I would say hell no. With Mr. NYC, I would say most definitely.
So there you have it. As for my personal soul searching and decision making....OK, well, there is no tactful way to say this, so I think I'll piss off all Muslims, Desi's (Indo-Paks) and men overall, but I think I've pretty much decided that next time, I'm done with the Paks. I'd like my next dating experience to be a...hmm...for lack of a politically correct term, I'd like to date a white guy. The indo men just aren't my type. They don't understand me, and well, I can't tolerate them. They get on my nerves. Mr. NYC was a good balance cuz his ex wife was Italian...he had the non-desi tendencies. Other than that, I think I'm ready for a big change.
So why the white guy? Here are a few bonus points:
- I think they're better looking (well, most of them are)
- They find Indian girls exotic
- They tend to be more gentlemanly (I know, not a word, leave me alone. My blog, my word)
- They will be more respectful (my assumption, again, my blog, I can make assumptions)
- They will respect my independence
- Most importantly, I think they will understand me better. Pak guys always give me a hard time for being too Western. I always get told that. Well hell ya, I was born here...what did you expect?
- White guys are more fun
- Shaz is politically incorrect- she called them white guys
- I make too many assumptions and generalizations
- I just haven't met the right Desi guy yet (Ya, OK, will he be at the helm of the FOB boat?)
- What about your Desi male friends? (OK guys. Firstly, they are very cool, but they are my friends. And so they are about the only cool Desi guys around. The rest are just...not my type. The one that was, turned out not to be)
- What if the white guys turn out to be just as bad? (Then I'll join a nunnery. I'll be the first ever former Hijabi nun with kids).
Friday, April 06, 2007
Happy Independence Day!
Independence indeed. It was one year ago today that my divorce was finalized. One year ago when I finally got to change my name and be me again. Ironically, it was also one year ago when his obsession with me went to full. Funny how the obsession got really bad when it all finalized. In a conversation a few months back, he said that the final straw for him wasn't the divorce. It was my name change. For some reason, the very first time he saw my changed name on his call display, he knew that I was looking forward to my independent life. It was then that he realized that I was really gone.
That would explain his summer craziness- showing up at my friend's homes, my parents' home, an Imam's home, begging them to help me win him back. Yes my friends, that was a year ago. It feels like just yesterday when I had my panic attack driving into the office and my office friend and I had to leave and take a day off. (Love the friend, love my former boss for understanding).
One year later, it's still on, stronger than ever, but somehow, something is different. And although it does flip flop on me every now and then, I think that something is hope.
In a few months time, I'll blog about the legal stuff I'm going through. But really, I've come to terms with the fact that I will have to spend a lot of money and court time to fight. I've also come to terms with the fact that my last lawyer screwed me over, charged me for a court battle without a day in court, and the fact that a court battle should have happened in the first place. Hashing this out in court is the only way I can be free. Because then, I will have an absolutely bulletproof court order specifying which dates/times he can be with the kids, who makes decisions for the kids, and there will be no room for negotiation. No room for negotiation means no need for further contact. That's heaven on earth if you ask me.
It's unfortunate that I had to wait this long, but it is a good thing that this will finally be done. I've got a rough 6 months ahead of me, but I think it will be worth it in the end.
That would explain his summer craziness- showing up at my friend's homes, my parents' home, an Imam's home, begging them to help me win him back. Yes my friends, that was a year ago. It feels like just yesterday when I had my panic attack driving into the office and my office friend and I had to leave and take a day off. (Love the friend, love my former boss for understanding).
One year later, it's still on, stronger than ever, but somehow, something is different. And although it does flip flop on me every now and then, I think that something is hope.
In a few months time, I'll blog about the legal stuff I'm going through. But really, I've come to terms with the fact that I will have to spend a lot of money and court time to fight. I've also come to terms with the fact that my last lawyer screwed me over, charged me for a court battle without a day in court, and the fact that a court battle should have happened in the first place. Hashing this out in court is the only way I can be free. Because then, I will have an absolutely bulletproof court order specifying which dates/times he can be with the kids, who makes decisions for the kids, and there will be no room for negotiation. No room for negotiation means no need for further contact. That's heaven on earth if you ask me.
It's unfortunate that I had to wait this long, but it is a good thing that this will finally be done. I've got a rough 6 months ahead of me, but I think it will be worth it in the end.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Home Again
Here we go again. I worked from home today, initially because my children had a dentist's appointment at 3:30. I actually would have ended up working from home anyways because I have this lovely cold. More about that in a bit.
The Monday afternoon dentist appointment was not exactly a planned event. The appointment was actually last week on Saturday. But, because of the daylight savings time patch program, well, it really messed up. I thought (according to my blackberry) that my appointment was at 12:30pm on Saturday last week. At 11:50, the doctor called saying that they were calling to inquire about the children. I told her we were just leaving and would make it for 12:30. She told me that the appt was 11:30 and that there was a $30 missed appointment charge per child. Then I realized the daylight savings patch problem. I got a new blackberry and they were unable to install the patch. Stupid daylight savings time. Stupid patch. Stupid technology. Stupid me.
A few minutes of arguing and I got them to agree to give me the next available appointment without the $30 per child penalty. The next available appointment was today. I decided not to argue, and to take what I could get. I figured I could always work from home. It all worked out ok. Turns out I would have been home anyways. I was feeling sick in New York this weekend. Had a headache, felt dizzy, and had ear pain. My chest was burning and I couldn't sleep. I knew this was bad news. I didn't really get to do much in NY, because I felt like crap. I ended up sleeping (well trying to) early each night, waking up late, and basically being very lazy in the day. We spent Saturday in Manhattan, but the rest of the time, I was basically out of it. So, today, I went to the doctor's, and he confirmed that I have the start of bronchitis. Just the start. He said that the antibiotic and narcotic cough syrup should catch it in the next 48 hours. If it does, I'll avoid a full blown bronchitis. I'm hoping that's what will happen, and that I will back at work by Wednesday, or Thursday at the worst. I'm personally hoping for Wednesday. It's already a short week, I don't want to lose too many days by being sick, because I'm only working half capacity and this will only mean that I will have to catch up and put in late hours later this week or early next week. No thank you. Late work nights mess up my office routine and the children's bedtime. Sigh. The trials of being a single parent.
Anyhow, this weekend was total drama for many reasons. I was supposed to meet my friend's kids, but that didn't happen, and in hindsight it was probably for the best since I felt like crap. On the Toronto front, it turns out that the night before I left, I got a letter in the mail from the CAS. The letter was so crappy and irritating, I cannot begin to describe, but in a nutshell, it said that the case was now closed with no real remaining issues or cause for concern. It mentioned that it was "alleged" that the father had questionable discipline methods and language but that was it. No mention of concerns for abuse, no mention of actual abuse. The system sucks. Basically, he has to hurt them like he hurt me for it to matter. That was my biggest fear.
Anyhow, I really don't know if this is going to be worth the court effort. I went to NY expecting to deal with this when I got back. I forgot to consider that of course he would get the same letter. He showed up at the children's school expecting to see the children this weekend. It was after all, his weekend with the children. The children were at my mom's house, I was in NY and I get a call from my ex who was freaking out because the children had already been picked up. Now normally, I would respect the lawyer's advice and tell him to take a hike, and that he would NOT see the kids. But, given the weak CAS letter, and other things, I don't know if this will be the best thing for anyone. My ex mentioned mediation. I agreed that mediation might be a better approach. A stricter access agreement might be a good idea, as it will avoid some of the confusion and problems. I can't stop him from seeing the kids cuz the CAS openly stated that they are not restricting any access. The courts can intervene but a psychological assessment takes too much time and money. Like 18 months and 10k for the assessment, plus court and lawyer costs. No thanks. I think learning to be civil is a much better approach.
Now we have to find a mediator and see if the courts can close our file. Let's see what happens. I'm not feeling hopeful for anything anymore. The system sucks, and so does my luck. If nothing else, at least he was forced to consent to therapy for the children. But what an expensive and timely route to take to achieve the therapy. Sigh.
No wonder women never leave abusive men. They suck and they never seem to lose. They always get their way.
I need to stop blogging. I feel way too crappy physically, and way to crusty emotionally.
The Monday afternoon dentist appointment was not exactly a planned event. The appointment was actually last week on Saturday. But, because of the daylight savings time patch program, well, it really messed up. I thought (according to my blackberry) that my appointment was at 12:30pm on Saturday last week. At 11:50, the doctor called saying that they were calling to inquire about the children. I told her we were just leaving and would make it for 12:30. She told me that the appt was 11:30 and that there was a $30 missed appointment charge per child. Then I realized the daylight savings patch problem. I got a new blackberry and they were unable to install the patch. Stupid daylight savings time. Stupid patch. Stupid technology. Stupid me.
A few minutes of arguing and I got them to agree to give me the next available appointment without the $30 per child penalty. The next available appointment was today. I decided not to argue, and to take what I could get. I figured I could always work from home. It all worked out ok. Turns out I would have been home anyways. I was feeling sick in New York this weekend. Had a headache, felt dizzy, and had ear pain. My chest was burning and I couldn't sleep. I knew this was bad news. I didn't really get to do much in NY, because I felt like crap. I ended up sleeping (well trying to) early each night, waking up late, and basically being very lazy in the day. We spent Saturday in Manhattan, but the rest of the time, I was basically out of it. So, today, I went to the doctor's, and he confirmed that I have the start of bronchitis. Just the start. He said that the antibiotic and narcotic cough syrup should catch it in the next 48 hours. If it does, I'll avoid a full blown bronchitis. I'm hoping that's what will happen, and that I will back at work by Wednesday, or Thursday at the worst. I'm personally hoping for Wednesday. It's already a short week, I don't want to lose too many days by being sick, because I'm only working half capacity and this will only mean that I will have to catch up and put in late hours later this week or early next week. No thank you. Late work nights mess up my office routine and the children's bedtime. Sigh. The trials of being a single parent.
Anyhow, this weekend was total drama for many reasons. I was supposed to meet my friend's kids, but that didn't happen, and in hindsight it was probably for the best since I felt like crap. On the Toronto front, it turns out that the night before I left, I got a letter in the mail from the CAS. The letter was so crappy and irritating, I cannot begin to describe, but in a nutshell, it said that the case was now closed with no real remaining issues or cause for concern. It mentioned that it was "alleged" that the father had questionable discipline methods and language but that was it. No mention of concerns for abuse, no mention of actual abuse. The system sucks. Basically, he has to hurt them like he hurt me for it to matter. That was my biggest fear.
Anyhow, I really don't know if this is going to be worth the court effort. I went to NY expecting to deal with this when I got back. I forgot to consider that of course he would get the same letter. He showed up at the children's school expecting to see the children this weekend. It was after all, his weekend with the children. The children were at my mom's house, I was in NY and I get a call from my ex who was freaking out because the children had already been picked up. Now normally, I would respect the lawyer's advice and tell him to take a hike, and that he would NOT see the kids. But, given the weak CAS letter, and other things, I don't know if this will be the best thing for anyone. My ex mentioned mediation. I agreed that mediation might be a better approach. A stricter access agreement might be a good idea, as it will avoid some of the confusion and problems. I can't stop him from seeing the kids cuz the CAS openly stated that they are not restricting any access. The courts can intervene but a psychological assessment takes too much time and money. Like 18 months and 10k for the assessment, plus court and lawyer costs. No thanks. I think learning to be civil is a much better approach.
Now we have to find a mediator and see if the courts can close our file. Let's see what happens. I'm not feeling hopeful for anything anymore. The system sucks, and so does my luck. If nothing else, at least he was forced to consent to therapy for the children. But what an expensive and timely route to take to achieve the therapy. Sigh.
No wonder women never leave abusive men. They suck and they never seem to lose. They always get their way.
I need to stop blogging. I feel way too crappy physically, and way to crusty emotionally.
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