Never go to a walk in clinic. Unless it's so late in the night that you have no other options.
My mom took my daughter to a walk in today. That was AFTER giving her a dose of advil. Although my mom told the doctor that my daughter was given advil to bring down the 104 fever, the doctor told her that my daughter was fine and prescribed- get this - claritin for allergies. She said my daughter had allergies. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have half a brain and therefore I do know that allergies do not give you a fever of 104. Idiot doctor.
So we are home and my daughter is crying her eyes out - from the pain, the fever, the sore throat, the cold.
I've given her medication/cough syrup/nasal spray. And more importantly, I've asked my mother to take her to our family doctor tomorrow (he was closed today, which is why they went to a walk in clinic).
Sigh. Stupid health care. Stupid doctors should be fired.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sick Child
My daughter is sick :(
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.
So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...
When does it all get better?
There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.
So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...
When does it all get better?
There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Strep Throat
It doesn't end :(
Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.
My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.
And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.
So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.
Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.
My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.
And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.
So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Back to Work with Pneumonia
This was my first week back in the office. Today was my third day physically in the office. It' been much harder than I expected.
I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?
I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.
Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.
I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.
I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?
I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.
Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.
I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to accept a person back into your life, or that you are condoning what someone did.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
- Oprah Winfrey
I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.
And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.
A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.
But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.
A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".
And it's true.
So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".
Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.
But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive myself.
For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.
I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.
So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.
And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
- Oprah Winfrey
I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.
And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.
A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.
But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.
A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".
And it's true.
So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".
Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.
But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive myself.
For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.
I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.
So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.
And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
39 and Feeling it...
Today is my 39th Birthday. I have mixed feelings. Next year, I hit the big 4-0. Hard to believe.
I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.
So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.
So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.
Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.
My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.
It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.
Happy Birthday to me...
I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.
So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.
So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.
Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.
My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.
It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.
Happy Birthday to me...
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
A Compassionate Boss
Today was supposed to be my first day back in the office. I've been out of the office for just over 3 weeks with pneumonia. I worked from home yesterday, and told my boss that I would come in to work today.
At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.
What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.
I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.
Today, I've been counting my blessings...
At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.
What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.
I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.
Today, I've been counting my blessings...
Friday, February 04, 2011
The Butterfly Effect
Do you believe in the butterfly effect?
It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.
It's an interesting concept.
I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?
Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.
Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.
And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.
The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.
It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.
It's an interesting concept.
I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?
Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.
Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.
And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.
The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Snow Day 2011
Today is a snow day. It's the first one since my kids have been going to public school (since grade 1- so like 5/6 years). Needless to say, the kids are thrilled.
So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...
Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.
As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).
My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.
And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.
So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...
Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.
As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).
My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.
And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.
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