Where Did the Neat Freak Go?

So I got a few things done this weekend. And I actually feel a sense of accomplishment.

I know that I am mentally sorting life out when I clean up the piles of well, the piles of stuff that builds up in my home. See, while I am a germ freak, (you will find my home always sanitized), I have to admit that I am not always the tidiest person in the world. I like to tell myself (and others) that I am a neat freak, but having observed myself for the past few years, I have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a neat freak (although sometimes, where I have to start the cleanup task, I really wish I were).

Funny. When I was married, I was a total neat freak. I would stay up until 4am cleaning the place. I would stress out when things were out of order. Maybe that was because so much in my life was in disarray, that I had to maintain some order in some area of my life. I also had an ulcer, and ultimately a stress attack which led me to the decision to file for divorce.

Now, my home is happier, more content than ever (thank you GOD!) but it can actually get rather untidy at times. By this, I mean that for example, you will see things like a pile of my children's books sitting on the sofa on top of the big blanket they lie under when they are reading. In the kitchen, you will find dishes in the sink, left from the afternoon snacks/nutella/bowls of cereal the kids ate when hungry. In the hallway, you will find shoes, coats, knapsacks sometimes put neatly to the side, and sometimes left where they took them off. Kids. Sigh.

In the bedrooms, there are stuffed toys, laundry to be put away, clothes that need to be washed...

But it's OK. I can come to terms with it. Because ultimately, in this home, for the first time in my life, I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel like I can let my guard down, and most of all, I feel content. And that contentment is also a first for me.

While I am not advocating for an untidy house, I can honestly say that I think part of my contentment comes from having a space where I can let my guard down. It's a space where I can rest, and not stress about what others will think, because I choose who to invite in. I choose (very carefully) who I welcome into my home. Only the non-judgmental people are welcome here. Only my true friends. And it's come to a point that others feel it. I have been told by many people that there is a special warmth that welcomes them when they visit me. And I believe it, because I feel it too.

So, I will take the untidy home any day. There is something to be said about not stressing about things. I wouldn't trade this for the world. So thank you pile of books. Thank you backpacks, thank you dirty dishes. Thank you for helping me let go.

Cutting Myself some Slack

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you work, you can never do enough?

Lately, I've been feeling like anything I do is just not good enough. That's a tough one. It's like when those around you make you feel like you have somehow failed. It's a weird feeling, because my logic tells me I've accomplished alot. I'm a good mother. Maybe I'm not a perfect mother. Maybe my children don't have the best grades, and maybe they don't have the strongest religious faith, but I'm trying. But sometimes, friends who mean well come along and point out all the flaws ("you should really be doing this" or "you need more backbone when disciplining your kids"), and you are left standing there wondering how one human being such as myself could so badly mess things up.

And then a day goes by and logic kicks back in and I realize that I've done not so badly given the limited resources that I have. At the end of the day, regardless of family and friends, I stand alone. And by that, I mean that there is nobody here doing the laundry, the dishes, the homework, the housework, or paying the bills. It's so easy to judge the flaws of another human being when you are on the outside looking in, but really it's very hard to be the person on the inside, especially when you stand alone.

My one ask of the world is that you cut me some slack. I'm only human. And at the end of the day, for the time being, even if it only lasts one month at a time, I see things this way:

• Yes my house could be tidier, but I spend the extra time with my children
• Yes my kids could have better grades, but I have one child with ADHD and another who is just always needy and clingy. So they don't have the best grades, but for now, they do have the unconditional love of a mother who would do just about anything for them, and I'm trying to make them feel intelligent and worthy as human beings. That's all I've got to offer.
  
• Yes my kids have their temperamental days, but they are human, and so am I, and so we can let it slide right?
• Yes I am always on my blackberry. Yes it impacts the kids. But I am a single mom with a deadbeat ex husband who doesn't help much financially and I have to support the family on my own while nobody is here to support me and give me downtime. No it's not right that I am a crack berry addict, but yes it is understandable.
• Yes I could afford to lose a few pounds. But I can only go to the gym 2 days a week- Sat and Sunday. And I do that. It's the best I can do. Stop beating me up for it and telling me that I am not attractive enough, or that I need to lose weight. I own a mirror and yes I do look in it. Fortunately, losing weight is at least do-able (albeit someday). Those of you making these comments need to undergo a personality transplant. As far as I know, personality transplants are not so readily available. So there.
  

I'm learning to be kind to myself. The next step is to teach some of my friends to start doing the same. In the meantime, I'm going to try to focus on the few things that I think I am doing well enough to deserve some praise.

Who needs the approval of others anyways?

AND....She's back.

Call it a sabbatical :)

I needed a break from the world. To think about things. And I've been busy. But overall, I can say that life is busy, but life is generally good.

I'm thankful for the friends who taught me how important friendship is. Thankful for the ones who you don't see often, but have meaningful presences when you do see each other. You know, the ones you can call after months and pick up like time never passed at all. And I'm even thankful for the ones who have taught me that different friends can be trusted with different things. Not everyone is capable of protecting your heart in times of need. Some just don't have the emotional know how to do that. It's not anyone's fault. It's who they are.

But generally, I feel I have some direction. A game plan for life. (Well for now). I'm defining what I need and need to plan out how to get there.

I've also been re-defining my relationships with family. Like friends, not all family members should be treated equally.

Overall, I am well, the kids are good, and I am happy. My ex is still who he is. He still creates problems here and there, but I'm learning to accept that this is who he is, and this is how things will always be. I figure if I stop fighting it, maybe it will bother me less and less?

So far so good :)