Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

This was adorable. I got it in an email, and I just had to share...

I think we can all benefit from a pause to think about what we really want out of life...

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A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. . I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Mexican.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

And the moral is:

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

The Year in Review

I always like to look at my past year as the year comes to the end. I like to look at what went well and what was not so great. And I consistently hope that the next year will be better, although I have to admit, I don't know if my hoping has helped much thus far.

I have to say that 2008 was my worst year yet. There was a lot of difficult stuff to deal with and stress was high all year round:

• I had the CAS case in Jan where my ex left a bruise on my son in the beginning of the year, resulting in CAS involvement and police involvement
• I had to go through the court ordered family assessment for 6 months (but as a plus, thank God it went well in the end)
• I had to deal with massive financial issues, which are still ongoing unfortunately
  
• I had the usual ongoing banter with my ex (but I guess that isn't new)
• I had to deal with health issues for a few months which almost resulted in surgery (but fortunately they all turned out OK)
  
• My son was diagnosed with ADHD and we had to put him on medication (but as a plus, he is doing noticeably better now and his confidence in himself is better)
  
• My mom was hospitalized in Feb/March and then had her knee surgery in Sept (but fortunately, everything is OK and she is now better off than she was before the surgery- less pain, and much more mobile)
• The court case is still dragging on
  

What went well this year/what I accomplished:

• I have been doing well at work
• I made some very rich, meaningful friendships- not new people, but deepened some of my existing relationships
• The court case looks like it should be moving in my favor (keep your fingers crossed)
• My health is good, and I kept off the weight that I lost in 2007

It may not sound like much, but the big accomplishment for me tonight was to see the silver lining in all the bad stuff that happened.

One thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reason when we are in the depth of things, but there is a reason and if we are lucky we will get to know what it was at some point during our lifetime.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. I really think this will be a good year for me. A year of personal growth, spiritual growth, and hopefully some key decisions as well.

And really- 2008 sucked, so I am just glad it is over.

Bring on the New Year...

Goals for 2009

I have some goals for 2009. These are not New Year's Resolutions. I hate those. You make one small slip and they go out the window. These are more like things I would like to achieve, or come close to achieving when I look back on the year as a whole in Dec 2009. It's not an 'all or nothing' deal like a resolution, it's more of a' I hope that the graph is trending in the right direction' on these things...

1. Learning from my experiences with people- not walking down the same road twice
2. Cut the potty mouth- no more expletives (thanks to my dear friend for that one)
3. Telling the truth, even when I don't like the consequences (I was always a truth teller, but this year, I've lost a bit of that....I've learned to lie my way out of a few situations, and I don't like that side of myself)
4. Grow spiritually- whether it be religious or just the universal laws of the world
5. Watch my health- try to stick to the gym and keep eating healthy (I'm half way there, but I started slacking since Ramadan)

Notice that these are directional things. I could have said "lose 20lbs" but really, that's not what I mean. If I eat even healthier (I'm not totally bad right now) and feel good physically and lose only 5lbs, I will still feel I accomplished that goal. As another example, if I reduce 90% of the potty mouth, I will feel good about that one....get the point?

I would like to say that I want to figure out my life and have a set plan for where I want to go directionally, but I don't know- maybe that is too much to ask?

How about hoping to become more grounded by the end of 2009...is that a reasonable goal?

Treat Others as they Treat you

And never forget the lesson.

Life is confusing enough. I no longer believe that it is about being good to everyone, being kind to everyone. I'm not sure that these things always get returned to you.

I think there is an element of learning that needs to happen. You need to be kind to people, but within reason. If someone hurts you, harms you, abandons you, whatever it may be, you simply do not go back for more. You learn from what life has taught you and you move on. Being kind to someone who does not return your kindness is not a sign of a good person. It's the sign of a stupid person.

People need to open their eyes and see what is around them. Look at your life's experiences and learn from what you are being shown.

We as humans are often guilty of making some mistakes over and over again. I get that. We are guilty of not knowing when we have walked a similar road before. I get that too. It explains why many abused women for example, end up with abusive men even the second time through.

But there is NO EXCUSE for going back to the SAME PERSON for more once they have kicked you. That is just plain stupid.

We as humans need to at least learn how not to walk down the exact same road a second time through. A similar road maybe, but not the same one.

I'm sure this is not making much sense to any of you, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I have a few things going on in my life. I'm looking at them all- relationships past and present, friends and how they treat me, as well as my friends' experiences. There is a consistent theme. I don't learn from what life has taught me, and I do go back to the same person with hope: hope that they will change, hope that things will be different, hope that they will treat me as I treat them, but it always ends up the same.

I have a few goals for next year. One of them will be to open my eyes and start learning from my experiences.

Pay Attention...

Especially when you are on the road. What a day.

I went out to buy some sweaters for my daughter. It's cold and her sweaters don't fit her anymore. I had just finished shopping and I was heading for the gym. I was distracted. I have had a lot on my mind. I looked away. And then I smashed into the car in front of me.

She was driving an SUV. Her car is fine. Mine is a wreck. The bumper is toast. The hood is toast. That is what happens when a civic hits an SUV. He bumper will probably need to be replaced, but it's not anywhere near what happened to my car.

The 6 demerit point, $350 careless driving fine was salt in my wounds.

I feel like shit. It's my fault, totally, so I have no right to complain. But I am complaining anyways. Maybe it's what I do best.

So now, I have a rental. Which is fine. I have to talk to the insurance company on Monday. Let's see how that goes.

I'm tired. I really need a new beginning. I'm just wondering when it will come. The highlight of my day was lunch with one of my dear friends. Small pockets of happiness in an otherwise shitty day. Thank God for those, otherwise, what else would we have to make it through?

Independence

There is a very fine line between being an independent woman and being selfish/stubborn. I'm not too sure where that line is, and it's probably why I get into the situations that I do.

Is there such a thing as being too independent? If there is, I think I suffer from it.

Today I feel like my head is just not on straight, like I make stupid decisions and like I suffer from having unrealistic expectations. Today I feel like I have allowed myself to become too much, that I have gone too far, and that I hurt my future because of who I am. It's possible to think too highly of yourself, to expect too much, to have become too stubborn.

I'm not sure what made me this way. I've been giving it a lot of thought today. I think my past experience in marriage. I mean, he was so abusive, so brutally abusive and I allowed it to happen. I should have left, but I never did. Recently, someone close to me asked how it was possible that someone like me could be abused like that. He said he would have expected me to hit back and walk away, call the cops and have my then-husband arrested. But I didn't. That wasn't me. But now I think it is me.

In fact, I think the pendulum has swung the other way. I am so protective of myself, I ask so much of life, I am so demanding, that I don't think that abusive type of guy would ever have a chance in my life.

But here is the problem. Neither would any other guy. It is indeed really difficult to be with me.

Yesterday, Mr. NYC asked me to marry him. For real. He wanted to make wedding plans. He wanted me to come to NYC to meet his family and formalize an engagement. He wanted me to wear his ring.

And I froze. Paralyzed. No answer. I told him I need a few days to think.

You see, all this time, I thought he was non-committal. I thought this was going nowhere. I thought I was wasting my time. And so, I was going to end things, thinking he would never want a long term thing, that he would never actually commit to me. I wasn't expecting this. It was everything I wanted for so long, and now that it is in reach, I'm paralyzed.

I feel afraid. I mean, give up my entire life here in Toronto? My home, my career, my parents, my friends? My whole life?

But do you turn down a good guy out of fear?

I have never been so messed up. Part of me thinks that somewhere along the way, it is ME who is no longer marriage material. Once upon a time ago I was the perfect wife. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. I'm just shocked. Do I love Mr. NYC? Absolutely.

The real question is, will I ever love anyone enough to risk marriage again? Am I capable of being married again? I have a few days to figure all this out. Forgive me for not being a giddy school girl. I am almost 5 yrs divorced, and hundreds of bruises past the stage of being giddy over the thought of another marriage. Touched yes. Flattered yes. Decisive, hell no. I'm just all cold feet right now.

And the poor guy is sitting in NYC waiting for an answer from me. I think he expected an instant yes. He said he understands, that I wasn't expecting the question. He is surprised that I need to think about it, but understanding nonetheless.

And so I spin...

Taming the Beast

Today was a hellish day. I had to play the role of super-bitch. I had to be the strict mother.

I need to reign in my son. I need to tame his inner beast. And I need to do it now. So today was the start of tough love.

I gave the kids the new house rules.

1. For the next 7 days, they are off of electronics. No TV, no computer, no video games. This is a consequence for their disgusting behaviour last night.
2. The above mentioned electronics are, effective immediately, an earned privilege, not a right. Meaning, they can earn time on them, but they don't just get time on them. I'm hoping to encourage them to be better with their behavior and more respectful towards me. Disrespect towards their mother means no privileges. Being kind to each other and respecting me means they can get time on their electronic toys.
3. I will be buying poker chips. They can earn a chip after a couple of hours of good behaviour. Bad behaviour means they lose a chip. 10 chips equals 15 minutes on an electronic of their choice. That's right. They better be good if they want TV time.
   

I know it sounds mean, but I need to un-spoil my kids.

It's time to kick some butt. No more nice mom.

My line today. "Things are going to change around here".

I had to start the day with "how dare you even think you can speak to me the way you did last night".

I mean seriously. This is out of control. I'm hoping this will work. If it doesn't, I have two kids for sale. One takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher. Any takers?

The Difficult Child

My son's temperament continues to scare me. His tantrums are out of control. I wonder what I am doing to fail as a mother. I do the best I can, I hardly sleep because I work so hard, and then I get this for a child. It just doesn't seem fair. Some days, I want to give him to someone else and let them raise him. I feel so frustrated it's impossible. And yet I know I am the only real parent they have. It's just too much pressure for one person.

Tonight I had a friend over. My son didn't seem to care, he threw his tantrum and humiliated me.

I'm so frustrated. Some days I hate being a single mom. It's also unfortunate that my ex is a nutjob. It means I get no support from anyone.

At the end of the day, we all stand alone.

Happy Eid...

Today was Eid. I had the day off work. I spent the morning at home. The kids were with their dad. I decided to take advantage of it and went to the gym early in the morning. Yes I know it's Eid. But I felt I needed to clear my head.

I was waiting for something from a friend today. I've actually been waiting to hear from this person for 2 weeks. We had a major disagreement two weeks ago and it's been bugging me. But I couldn't be the one to call and resolve it. Not this time. And then at 11am, after two weeks of frustration, all I get is an SMS. Happy Eid to you and the kids and your family. That's it. After two weeks.

I was expecting something more I guess. I expected wrong. My reply. "Same to you. Please take care of yourself".

I guess that's some sort of closure on a friendship. If you want to call it that. I felt like crap for a few hours today. I debated picking up the phone and calling my friend, but my gut told me to leave good enough alone. So I did.

A most uneventful way to totally end a friendship.

Either way. Eid Mubarak.