New Beginnings

CAS Episode #4

2011-12-01T18:49:00.000-05:00

At least, I think it's #4. I've seriously lost count. It's been years of the same crap over and over again. I think it's part of life for me. My ex is such a jerk, and no matter what he does, he will never get better. The man needs a personality transplant. And since those are not available, maybe a lobotomy.

So, the social worker was here. He just left. He interviewed the children for an hour. He's going to call my ex tomorrow. Let's see what happens. But judging by the past, I'm not optimistic at all. If nothing else, this is just going to piss him off more, which means the kids are even more at risk.

The therapist called them. I agreed with her decision (don't have much of a choice). And to be honest, it's probably for the best. Best case scenario, the children will have CAS supervised visits. That would be really great. Worse case scenario, they do nothing. That would really bite.

Kids are stressed. I'm stressed. Haven't been sleeping for an entire week. God help me.

Sometimes I just hate my life.

Day off School

2011-11-25T22:45:00.000-05:00

The kids were too scared to go to school. They were afraid that their dad would come and try to pick them up in the middle of the day, and then they would have no choice but to go with him, in order to avoid a big scene. I wanted to argue back, but to be honest, they made a lot of sense. So I kept them home.

Of course, it's not a sustainable strategy by any means. But it did serve two purposes. One- the immediate one- he wouldn't come and pick them up randomly. And two- it gave the children a chance to calm down.

My son said something that felt like deja vu. I said the exact same words when I was married to my ex. He said, "When dad is good, he's really good. But when he's bad, he's the worst ever. The problem is you don't know which dad you're going to see on which day". That pretty much sums it up.

My daughter said her dad was the type to get really pissed off one day and come and kill everyone, children, ex wife, all 3 of us. And yet the system doesn't help us.

Today has been a surprisingly calm day. He hasn't phoned for the kids, he hasn't emailed or texted me, I didn't hear from his lawyer and I didn't get a call from the police dept. No attempts were made to pick up the kids either. It's like the calm before the storm. I was telling my girlfriend, my ex is smart. He won't do anything today. It's too predictable. He's the type to come out one day out of the blue and go nuts.

Getting through the weekend....

Home with the Kids

2011-11-25T09:26:00.000-05:00

The kids didn't want to go to school today. Can't say that I blame them. My solution, let's take a "fun day" to get our minds off things.

So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.

The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.

Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".

And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.

Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".

I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.

His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".

Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.

Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).

In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.

Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.

Sigh.

Dirt Bag

2011-11-22T22:16:00.000-05:00

My ex is a total complete waste. A total dirt bag. So here is his latest stunt. Apparently I am the moron who was idiotic enough (yet again) to believe that if I tried to be civil, things would be less toxic for my children.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.

The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.

Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.

WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.

So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.

Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.

If you don't want me...

2011-11-13T18:40:00.000-05:00

You are free to go. I won't allow myself to want you.

I love Oprah Winfrey.

Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.

So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...

I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.

That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.

Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.

The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.

I'm feeling good about the journey.

Trying to Work Together

2011-09-10T19:50:00.000-04:00

So my ex and I are due back in court in Oct. However, I *think* we've decided to try to work together and see if we can avoid court for now. (Let's see how that goes- but honestly, couldn't he have tried working together BEFORE starting a court process??). My experience has always unfortunately been that he is not that trustworthy, but somehow I have allowed myself to become the world's punching bag, so here I am, agreeing to everything, and as always getting nothing in return. (Wow, that sounds really bitter, doesn't it? I didn't mean for it to be!).

I've decided to do this mostly for selfish reasons. I need some sanity in my life. I don't need to add more stress or to even deal with his constant confrontational emails. Balancing work, kids, housework is always a challenge, and if they can have a good time with their dad, I am supportive. That problem is, that's a bit IF. How do you handle an unstable person? Do you trust, or do you let your experiences guide you?

On another note (after my big rant!)- Ramadan was a bit tougher this year- the fasts were LONG and with work, they felt even longer. Fortunately, I worked from home every Thursday, and took every Friday off work. That helped a lot. I took the kids to the mosque every Friday and we even went with my parents. It was loads of fun! I am so glad I did that. The kids even kept a few fasts, because I was home on Fridays and we were able to do it together. When Ramadan ended, on the Friday of the long weekend, my daughter said "Mommy it's Friday- can we go to the mosque?". It was cute, and of course we all went- always a nice bonding experience. I guess the biggest accomplishment this Ramadan, was giving the children a bit of enjoyment and excitement around fasting and the mosque- something they didn't have before.

Half Way Through Ramadan...

2011-08-13T10:09:00.000-04:00

Ramadan comes along so quickly, and then it goes so quickly. I can't believe that it's almost half over.

This year, to make Ramadan a bit easier, I took each Friday off work. It's been nice. So far, on the first two Fridays of Ramadan, I took the kids and my parents to the mosque. They all enjoyed the custom, and I have to admit, so did I.

I've also scheduled to work from home each Thursday. With the long fasts (4:30am - 8:30pm), the train commute etc is just too much for me. So these small things have made a big difference.

My son has asked to fast, so I have let him keep 4 fasts each week (the days that I am home)- funny- he's so skinny and seems so small that I almost felt bad, but then I remember that I started when I was his age. It's all relative.

My daughter has kept 2 fasts this year. It was a big deal for her. She's a little tike, but quite the trooper. I would not have asked her to fast, as I think she's so little (that's a mom talking)- but she really wanted to try it, and I didn't want to discourage her.

Now the kids are doing their countdown to Eid. :)

Beach Therapy

2011-07-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

I had a bit of time to think. I went to Cuba for a week. There was nothing more serene than being able to spend mornings just thinking about life while you sit at the beach alone, watching the water before anyone else has a chance to join you. I thoroghly enjoyed it. It gave me time to think about the things that matter to me most, and how I need to get that work life balance that I've been looking for. I was also, for the first time in my life, able to give myself credit for my accomplishments, and to allow myself to make a few mistakes. It was a great feeling.

Unfortunately, coming back home, I found that left side eye twitch returned within a few days (it was gone in Cuba). So clearly, something is just too stressful and my body is giving me a sign. Now I have to figure out how to peel back the layers and determine which element of my life to change- is it the housework (do I need a nanny?) Is it the commute to Toronto daily which takes about 3 hrs a day that's killing me? Is it having a corporate career that perhaps is just too much for me? I need to do a bit more soul searching, but I think I'm on my way.

I also realized just how much I miss my girlfriends. I've removed myself from everyone, and I'm not sure why I did it, but I REALLY miss them. I miss the female bonding, I miss the reassurance, and I miss their encouragement. Most of these girlfriends live so far away (Ajax/Markham/Pickering/Whitby/Barrie)- I just want to have them all here.

And Ramadan is around the corner. I want this home to be full of love, full of guests this year. I want this to be the year I bring out the girl who would have dinner parties, without stress, because she would cook a basic meal, and enjoy the time with her friends.

One more thing I decided- in Feb, when I turn 40 this upcoming year, I am going to have a diva dinner with all my close friends. It's long overdue.

My Ex's Wife

2011-07-01T09:35:00.000-04:00

I met my ex and his wife the other day to discuss matters. I have to say, I think his wife is a Godsend. She seems really genuine (yes I could be naive, it won't be the first time), but I think I can trust her. She seems to be pretty up front about what she is trying to do- she wants the fighting to end so she doesn't have to hear about it all the time, she finds the animosity too toxic and she cannot stand that her new husband is spending all his time, energy, and money fighting an ex-wife in court. Sounds pretty honest to me.

She said she wants a peaceful life, one where she can have a life with her husband, be civil with his ex wife, and have a happy time free of courts and conflict. I can't say that I blame her.

I noticed in our discussion a couple of days back that she is very able to influence my ex. He is calmer and less confrontational when she is around. When he starts to get angry and raise his voice, she gently puts her hand on his arm, smiles at him, and his tone changes. Perhaps this is short lived, but for now, I have to wonder if maybe their personalities just match really well. Or maybe she is just good at calming conflict.

Either way, I don't want to get my hopes up too soon, but perhaps this could be the beginning of the end of some of our court conflict? We still have our court date in Oct so we have a few months to see how far things go. Let's see.

In the meantime, all of this court conflict, these court documents that have sucked all the time and life out of me, and a really insanely busy schedule at work have me totally tired out. The left side of my face has started to twitch, and this is especially scary, because it's the same symptom I had at the start of my physical breakdown, just before my left side was partly paralyzed back in 2004. I ignored the initial symptoms for weeks in 2004, and as a result I had a whole physical breakdown, resulting in a 2 week hospitalization. I simply cannot let that happen again.

And so, I've decided to take a break. The kids are with their dad for the first week of summer vacation, and I am taking this opportunity to go out of town for a week and just chill. I'm hoping to come back re-charged and ready to face the world.

Be back in a week...

Playing Games

2011-06-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

It feels like my ex is playing games, again.

He contacted me and basically requested that we try to work through our issues ourselves. The last time I checked, isn't that what people do BEFORE they start with court proceedings? I just don't get it. This court process is such a waste of time, energy, and money.

On the one hand, he wants more time with the children. On the other, he can't handle the time that he has. I wish he would understand the simple mathematics. If he could demonstrate an ability to handle the kids better, I would be happy to give him more time with the children. I mean, I would actually have some breathing time. Come on.

So we are pushing the June 24 court date out to October. The goal is to give it one last shot to come to an out-of-court agreement. Let's see how this goes.

To those of my friends who wonder where I've been lately, I'm around. Just trying to get out of my funk. Life is starting to take a real toll on me. I'm feeling mentally stressed, and I really think I just need a break. I miss my friends, and my social life. I'm feeling a bit down...

Thankfully, it's summer. The sunshine will help and I have a few things to get on track.

Isn't it funny how the people who look so well put together are the ones with the most problems?

I had an eye opener this past weekend. I had a friend in town from Kuwait. I haven't seen her for 7 years. It was lovely to see her after so long, and at the same time, I needed a bit of a smackdown, and I'm glad she gave it to me. She watched me working in my house and basically said that I haven't changed in 7 years. I worked myself to the bone when I was married, to the point of a stress attack that put me in the hospital. And she says I'm still doing it. And she's right. I still push myself too hard, I still keep myself isolated and I still try to do everything on my own and be superwoman. Here I was thinking that everything has changed- and why the logistics have (I am divorced and on my own)- my core hasn't. I am still driving myself to exhaustion.

By the time she left, she insisted that I find someone to help in my home. Someone to cook/clean/and get the kids out the door in the morning. Not a full time nanny, but a couple of hours of day. If anyone knows someone I can use, let me know! I think it's time.

Thursday will be Day 1 in Court....Again

2011-05-02T21:39:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe how insane it is that I am back to square one again. Have you ever felt totally completely alone, like nobody in the world understands?

I feel like my network has watched this so many times over, that history keeps repeating itself. I wonder where the justice is, and yet I feel like an ingrate for wondering, because really I have received so much to be thankful for, and truthfully, I have no right to complain. God has been too kind to me already, and I have no right to question the difficult times. I have, after all been blessed with more than my share. I guess it's only fitting that I endure some hardships as well. I want to say 'why me', but really, why not me?

I guess the best summary is that I feel like I'm in a bit of a confused state. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm tired, ragged, and need a break. I am, after all, the good parent. I'm the one who supports my kids, loves them, hugs them, tries to keep them safe.

The other day, my daughter was complaining that life was so hard. Why does she have to come from a divorced home? Why couldn't she have a normal life or at least a normal father. And then here is the kicker...my son replies "we have a mother that is better than most mothers in the world. She more than makes up for dad. Be happy with what we have".

Have I mentioned that I adore my kids?

I think that is what keeps me going. My love for my children. I adore them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. I will fight tooth and nail for them. But I am also getting tired. And I feel sometimes like I am going to die fighting this fight, like this will never end. That it will haunt me for life.

He is, ever all, bipolar, and this is the nature of the beast. He will forever go through his cycles, and I am forever condemned to ride the waves with him. As long as the children are children. And when their innocence is over, the waves might stop.

Then again...who knows, maybe these waves won't ever stop. Ironic that I thought a divorce would end the pain. It didn't end it, just lessened it, and gave it a new face. A few days ago, I was lying in bed and realized the scary reality...this is NEVER going to end. He's going to haunt me until the day I die. Until death do us part. Because there is a part of him that is pure evil and wants to get even with me. There is a clinically psychotic side that will not ever let me breathe. Even when he remarries, he will focus on revenge. It kind of redefines "till death do us part".

With abusive men, the abuse never really ends. It just changes faces. And you can be strong, and smile around your friends, and pretend that it is all OK. But it isn't. You're just kind of waiting for something to end the misery.

And last week a friend called me a "survivor of domestic violence". Funny term. I mean, I didn't "survive" anything. I'm still kind of attempting to survive. And here is the other funny thing. When you climb that scary mountain and get to the top, and reach that point where you think it is all over, you realize two things:

You are all alone up there.
You still have to make your way down again, and that is another lonely journey.

Getting to the top of the mountain was just half the journey. The other half is just beginning, and now you're tired, ragged, and alone. In some ways, the climb was the easy part.

It's Been a Long Road...

2011-04-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

And again, I haven't blogged in awhile. What I know for sure is that whatever doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.

And I am still alive.

So- I've been focused on this court fiasco. I cannot believe that he has the audacity to ask for joint custody after this long drawn out battle that just ended two years ago.

And then again....why should I be surprised?

So far, I have drafted my own court documents. The way I see it, I'm smart enough, and I've spent enough money. And mostly, I believe there is a God. No matter what faults I have, no matter what mistakes I've made in life, he has been here, supporting me, and almost cheering me on. Or at least that's how it feels.

That God cannot let a good mother lose. I just feel like there is something bigger, something more important that is meant to come from all this, and so I will go through the motions and see where the road takes me.

At the end of the day, I seriously doubt that any court will give 50/50 access and joint custody to a man who has abused the children many times.

The only drawback- he has requested for a children's lawyer. While this can only work in my favour, I still feel that it is an unnecessary thing to subject the children to. But I don't think I will have a choice in the matter.

And he has been coaching the children. He told my daughter to ask for one week on, one week off - basically one week with me, one week with him. When she told him no, he told her that she will either do it, or he can make a new child with his new wife and replace her. Yes, you read correctly. My daughter came home crying and had nightmares for two weeks. What a total complete jerk.

I told my daughter that she cannot let him bully her. At the end of the day, once the children's lawyer finds out this happened (and I fully intend to tell them), this will only work against him.

I wonder what the purpose is of this round of court. Surely there is a purpose. I just don't know what it is. Time will tell.

I ran into a girlfriend the other day- she was shocked at my inability to focus, and the fact that I couldn't relax. Can you blame me?

But pre-occupied or not, I am doing my best to stay positive. And I just know that despite how stressful this is, and the fact that I feel so incredibly alone right now...I just know in my heart that in time, everything will be ok.

This too will pass.

Served by the Asshole.

2011-03-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

Just got served papers from the asshole. Again. It doesn't end with him. Apparently, he wants to go back to court. Apparently, he wants more time with the children. Nevermind the fact that they don't like visiting him, or that they don't want more time with him. He is insisting on more time with them.

It doesn't end. I wish he would just bugger off and get busy in his new life with his wife, and leave me and the kids alone. He doesn't have a stitch of humanity in him.

Days like this, I wonder why I try so hard. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I'm the good parent, the one who has been stable as a parent, yet he is the one who somehow thinks it's OK to keep pushing things over and over again.

Luck of the draw I suppose. But man, I wish fate would deal a different hand. How much more patience am I supposed to have?

Stupid Walk in Clinics

2011-02-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

Never go to a walk in clinic. Unless it's so late in the night that you have no other options.

My mom took my daughter to a walk in today. That was AFTER giving her a dose of advil. Although my mom told the doctor that my daughter was given advil to bring down the 104 fever, the doctor told her that my daughter was fine and prescribed- get this - claritin for allergies. She said my daughter had allergies. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have half a brain and therefore I do know that allergies do not give you a fever of 104. Idiot doctor.

So we are home and my daughter is crying her eyes out - from the pain, the fever, the sore throat, the cold.

I've given her medication/cough syrup/nasal spray. And more importantly, I've asked my mother to take her to our family doctor tomorrow (he was closed today, which is why they went to a walk in clinic).

Sigh. Stupid health care. Stupid doctors should be fired.

Sick Child

2011-02-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

My daughter is sick :(
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.

So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...

When does it all get better?

There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.

Strep Throat

2011-02-20T11:01:00.000-05:00

It doesn't end :(

Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.

My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.

And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.

So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.

Back to Work with Pneumonia

2011-02-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

This was my first week back in the office. Today was my third day physically in the office. It' been much harder than I expected.

I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?

I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.

Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.

I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.

Forgiveness

2011-02-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

Forgiveness does not mean that you have to accept a person back into your life, or that you are condoning what someone did.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

- Oprah Winfrey

I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.

And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.

A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.

But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.

A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".

And it's true.

So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".

Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.

But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.

I need to forgive myself.

For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.

I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.

So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.

And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.

39 and Feeling it...

2011-02-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

Today is my 39th Birthday. I have mixed feelings. Next year, I hit the big 4-0. Hard to believe.

I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.

So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.

So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.

Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.

My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.

It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.

Happy Birthday to me...

A Compassionate Boss

2011-02-08T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today was supposed to be my first day back in the office. I've been out of the office for just over 3 weeks with pneumonia. I worked from home yesterday, and told my boss that I would come in to work today.

At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.

What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.

I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.

Today, I've been counting my blessings...

The Butterfly Effect

2011-02-04T08:47:00.000-05:00

Do you believe in the butterfly effect?

It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.

It's an interesting concept.

I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?

Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.

Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.

And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.

The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.

Snow Day 2011

2011-02-02T10:16:00.000-05:00

Today is a snow day. It's the first one since my kids have been going to public school (since grade 1- so like 5/6 years). Needless to say, the kids are thrilled.

So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...

Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.

As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).

My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.

And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.

A Weekend with Mom and Dad

2011-01-30T13:46:00.000-05:00

I'm spending this weekend with my mom and dad. Nothing like some TLC to make you feel better.

It's funny. I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea. She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep. It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left. There is no better feeling in the world than that.

It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is? Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me? Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work. So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?

While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children? Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?

I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK. So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?

That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.

Back to healing. Thank God for my mom.

And it Spreads

2011-01-27T22:11:00.000-05:00

I went to the doctor today. He says the pneumonia has spread to my other lung, and that it's pretty serious. I have to be off work again next week. That's going to be my third week off work, which is hard for me to believe. Even when I was hospitalized for a week back in 2004, just four months before I left my husband, I went back to work 3 days after coming out of the hospital. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I've learned that it doesn't get me anywhere to hold work above all else, but I do have to say that 6 months into a new job, it feels really crappy to take 3 weeks off for an illness. I work for a totally awesome woman who told me that she had pneumonia once and that she came back to work earlier than she should have and was back at home two weeks after returning to the office, and the second time she was off for a month. She is super understanding and supportive, which just makes me feel even worse.

As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick. It never ends with him. Some people were just made with evil souls. I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up. Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder. The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.

I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick. I think she may be right. That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.

Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer. Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes. The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital. I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.

So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.

I'd rather be at work...

Pneumonia

2011-01-22T15:12:00.000-05:00

I don't think I can remember ever being this sick....it's the most horrible feeling in the world. I've been out of the office for a whole week and the doc says I will be out the next week as well. It's brutal.

It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad. Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally. Mentally? Now that is the pot calling the kettle black. I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it. I'd rather just sleep and recover. But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth. There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.

Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me. I really have nothing to complain about. Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person. Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking. Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal. Sad but true.

I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop. There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things. If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...

I don't get it. The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife. Like, last week. I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives. Maybe he is incapable of happiness. And kindness. And human dignity.

I was originally so happy when I heard she was here. You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone. But I guess I was way off on that. Assholes never go away. They just become bigger assholes.

So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever. My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness. It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious. It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.

Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...

Meeting up with an old Friend

2011-01-12T22:12:00.000-05:00

I had lunch with a friend from high school a few weeks back. She was actually my best friend in high school, and we lost touch after I was married. Actually, I lost touch with a lot of people after I married Mr. Psycho. We reconnected through Facebook and met up after almost 20 years. It was awesome to see her.

Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day. One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before. It's absolutely amazing. What a gift.

2010 in Review

2011-01-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

I have to say that last year was not a bad one at all. It was probably the first really good year I had since the divorce. My year in review- I counted the good and the bad:

The good:

I was actually content, for the most part. Yes, there were stressful patches, but overall, I learned to accept my life for what it is
I changed jobs and found one where so far, I feel more appreciated, I work 9-5 so I have better work life balance, and I got a chance to switch it up a bit
My friends :) I love you guys
As the debts get lower, financial peace of mind is on the horizon :)
I cleaned out my whole house over the holidays to give myself mental freedom. I got rid of 45 garbage bags full of stuff and cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels
I spent 2 entire weeks over the holidays doing nothing, and I kept the blackberry off. That is the first time in my life that I turned a blackberry off for any length of time.

The bad:

My ex is at it again (he is such a mental case, and a jerk....I just need to accept that he will never change)- I will write about his psycho episodes another time.
I have a few things to figure out in my personal life- but I will get there.
Towards the end of the year, my health has been taking a bit of a mysterious turn. Doctors are working with me to figure it out. I'm told it's nothing major. I think it's the years of stress taking a toll on my body.

How was your 2010?

My 9 Year Old Daughter gets Customer Service

2010-12-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

So, I bought a new iphone 4. Was totally excited about it. I have been wanting this phone since May, well before it launched to the public. Now that I have it, I can say that the usability is just OK. The convenience of having everything available to you is fabulous, but the phone itself is a piece of junk. It drops calls, loses signal, and is one massive headache.

So today, I called apple's tech support. I was on hold for 1 hour and 20 minutes (yes I had it on speakerphone and did other things as I was on hold). I eventually got fed up and hung up.

My daughter observed this. Her response? (And this is pretty much verbatim):

"Oh my God Mom! Why would you even let them treat you like that? If they don't get that they are lucky to have you as a customer then you should return their stupid phone, get a better phone and tell everyone not to buy anything from apple ever again. If they can't even answer a phone call, nobody should give them any business".

My daughter is 9 years old and she gets business and perceived value better than any MBA.

The world is changing, customers are changing, and they are becoming increasingly demanding. Yes even as young as 9 years old.

It's Been Awhile...Again.

2010-11-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

Things have been very different lately. It's funny- I've had more me time than ever before, but been spending a lot less time online. Kind of neat. A lot of it has to do with my new job. In this new company, I've found work - life balance. I thought I had it where I was before- I had this great flexible workplace and was never questioned no matter what. But one of the benefits of this move has been a 9-5 job. I haven't taken my laptop home to work at night, not even once. I don't check my blackberry for more than 10 minutes a night, and never on weekends. I take the train to work. I've read 6 novels since I started my new job. Leisure reading. Not bad at all. It's funny- I've had more personal time on my hands, but have spent less time writing/blogging.

One of my girlfriends put it well. She said "Well, I guess you are spending more time living your life, and less time blogging about it". Funny, but probably true.

I've had breakfast with the kids every day, during the weekdays. Not granola bars in the car, but a real, sit down breakfast. I've had a nice sit down dinner with them every night as well. I really can't complain.

With respect to my ex, well, two weeks ago, I got a package from his lawyer. A new lawyer, basically saying he wants to re-open all the terms of the court order. Nice. For now, I'm taking this one as it comes. Life has been too good lately to allow him to spoil it. I'm sure at some point it will stress me out but for now, I just want to enjoy what I have. Don't get me wrong, it stressed me out a lot when I first got the envelope, but I'm going to try to take this one in stride. Let's see how long that lasts, but for now, that's the plan.

This is the first year of many that I can say has been a good one for me overall. I lived the year with peace for the most part, made some significant changes career wise and at home with the kids, and worked on my finances. Not bad at all.

And the Kids are Home

2010-08-10T20:33:00.000-04:00

Hooray!

I have to say, I was very stressed out while they were gone. I don't think anyone can blame me for that...my ex has a solid history of both being irresponsible where the children are concerned and also being deliberately spiteful towards me. Never a good combination. But like I mentioned before, I took every precaution that I could, and I spoke to them every other day.

They came home this past weekend. And from what I can see, they had a fabulous trip. They went to the beach every day, they attended their dad's wedding, and they got to travel. They even got to see the Eiffel tower during their 7 hour stopover in Paris. Nice.

So now, I feel a bit better. Perhaps I won't be so stressed should he decide to travel with them again. I said PERHAPS.

In the meantime, while it's unfortunate for his new wife to be married to a grade A jerk, it does mean he is finally (well hopefully finally) off my hands and officially someone else's problem. While I wouldn't wish those problems on anyone, and while I do hope he will make the third time a charm for this marriage, I do have some major relief in the fact that he hopefully will have other distractions to deal with, which means less time to bother me.

In the meantime, I can sit and cuddle and enjoy the kids again. Hooray! My kids are home :)

The Kids are in Morocco

2010-07-26T23:13:00.000-04:00

It is a very long story.

My ex is entitled to two weeks uninterrupted with the children every summer. Although he requires my permission to travel, I should not be withholding permission without just cause according to our court order. So the story went like this.

My ex booked his two weeks of time with me a few weeks ago. I consented.
A week later, he told me he wanted to take the kids on vacation and that he was looking for a place to go. I reluctantly consented.
A week later, he tells me he would like to go to Morocco. I freak (to myself) because I don't trust him, and I was not expecting an international travel. Much less something to a not so developed part of the world. (Or at least that is how I feel about Morocco).

And then I pause and think about it. My knee jerk reaction is to say no way in hell. But the kids are dying to go. They tell me their dad is getting married (again)- this time to someone from Morocco. I'm still not comfortable- not with the international travel, not with giving him the passports, not with all the possibilities of everything that can go wrong. I don't like the idea of sending the kids there with their irresponsible father. But then I pause to consider the facts.

My ex is under the care of a psychiatrist, and he has letters to prove it.
He is entitled to two weeks with the kids according to our court order
He is entitled to get married, and the kids are entitled to attend their father's wedding.
The kids really want to go, he really wants to take them. I am the odd one left out feeling like this is a bad idea. I can say no, but how will the courts feel about me refusing the kids to go to their father's wedding?
I call the Canadian Embassy. They say that Morocco is on good terms with Canada and not to worry. I register the children's travel.
I consent to the trip (reluctantly).

Don't get me wrong. Every part of me is as nervous as hell. I just didn't know what choices I had. I'm trying not to think about it. Sigh. I've spoken to the children (they left on Friday)- they are having a blast. So far so good. But I will not stop holding my breath till they are back.

And how is it that mental freaks can get married for a third time, but good people like myself (yes I do believe I am a good person) can't find a decent relationship? And please. To that guy who told me it's because I'm not skinny enough, bugger off. I don't have time for your BS and put downs. And yes, I am still emotionally bothered by what he said to me. You can't say crap like that to someone with a history of eating disorders without triggering some really bad stuff. Yes they have been triggered. No I'm not getting into it. I'll deal with it and get back on track in time.

To the rest of the normal people out there....any thoughts? Oh yes, and if you are going to tell me it's because I'm not skinny enough, please stop reading my blog. I'm not in the mood for stupidity.

I guess I'm grumpy and edgy these days. Sigh.

The Bad Goalie

2010-07-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

My kids both play soccer. A couple of weeks back, my daughter had a chance to be goalie in the second half of their game. Her team was winning 2-0. She got in the net, and I watched as my little baby tried to block the net, but let 3 goals in. Her team lost 3-2. She was devastated.

I knew from the moment the game ended that this was not going to be pretty. I thought she was going to cry. And then I saw her run towards me, tears streaming down her face. "Mommy- I made my team lose!"

I reassured her that it wasn't her fault. She played her best, and that is all we can do. We can't do better than our best. "But mommy- If someone else was the goalie, we wouldn't have lost! I think they all hate me!".

"Firstly baby. They don't hate you. Secondly, how do you know you would have won? How do you know that the people scoring the goals weren't the ones that were good goal scorers? How do you know?"

She paused. "No. It's my fault".

"Ok...is there anything we could have done differently? No. Could we do better than our best? No. At the end of the day, someone is going to lose and someone is going to win. The other team's goalie let 2 goals in. Is that her fault? No".

But man, no matter what I said, it didn't seem to work. And then I said, "Honey, every child cannot be the best at every role. Look at professional soccer. The best goal scorer is probably not the best in net. And the goalie probably can't score a goal. You are the best defense person on that team. Be proud of what you do well and enjoy it when you get a chance to try out other roles, but don't be sad just because you can't be the best at all of them. Even professionals can't do that. Just have fun when you are on the field, and allow yourself to enjoy which part of the game you like the most, what part you do the best in, and what part you don't enjoy."

Bingo. A smile. "I love you Mommy. You are the best."

Mommy-1. Soccer meltdown- 0. :)

Graduation at Ontario Place

2010-06-28T20:13:00.000-04:00

I witnessed something so beautiful I had to blog it. But before I get there, let me describe the daily joys of raising a child with ADHD. My son had his graduation school trip today to Ontario Place. I got up early, packed his lunch, and got him ready for his long awaited trip. Now, my son has a tendency to forget things. I don't know if it's him, or if it's the ADHD, but this is a normal part of our routine. As a result, my son has 3 lunch bags. (He often forgets the bag at school, so I have backups). So after I go through the loving routine of packing his lunch, and dropping him to school, I come home only to find the lunch bag on the floor by the door. I wasn't sure if he grabbed an empty lunch box or if he just forgot it. Either way, it wasn't the first time. I rushed to the school, just as the school buses pulled in, and gave the lunch box to the office secretary who promised to make sure he would get it before getting on the bus.

At the end of the day, I went to pick up my son. He gets into the car and says "I didn't know you brought my lunch box...they just gave it to me now". SERIOUSLY???? My main thoughts are 'Oh my God! my baby spent the day hungry'. I also felt angry because I dropped off the lunch box before the buses left and he still didn't get it on time.

So I asked him "What did you eat all day?" And then he reminded me about the $10. Here is the sweet part - As I dropped him to school, I searched in my bag for $10 so he could have some spending money. I told him to buy ice cream or a treat. But I only had $20 bills (damned bank machines!). So, I gave him a $20 bill and asked him to promise to bring home $10, and reminded him that I was trusting him. (It's not about the money. I don't believe in children spending money thoughtlessly- that's how they get spoiled).

Anyhow, when I asked what he ate- he said "Ice cream and popcorn, because that's what you said I could spend the money on". "Sweetie, you had $20. When you realized you forgot your lunch, you could have spent the rest on pizza or something. You know I wouldn't have wanted you to be hungry". "No mommy. You said a treat like ice cream or a treat at the gift shop, and not to spend more than $10. I also wanted to buy a present for my sister, and I promised to only spend $10, so I didn't know if I had enough for pizza too. It's OK, I wasn't hungry. I had a big breakfast".

Awwww :(

What's worse?

That the secretary failed to give him the lunch?
That I gave him too strict a rule around the $10, and that he went hungry in the process of trying to respect my rules?
That he was so sweet he gave up a slice of pizza to buy a present for his sister, making me feel oh-so-guilty?

I was teary eyed when he told me. Then he handed me two fives and a loonie. I asked him what the loonie was for, and he said it was the change, and that he wanted to be responsible and show me that I could trust him with money.

I don't know if I actually taught him a good lesson, or if I'm just a shmuck. Then again, maybe it was me who learned the lesson. My heart melted today. Every now and then, this child surprises me. There are moments where he drives me nuts, and other moments, like the one today, where I look at him and see a child full of promise for the future, ADHD or no ADHD.

Week 2 at Home

2010-06-21T11:54:00.000-04:00

I get to work from home for the week. I guess there is extra security in the city, and so they have asked us not to come in. I'm not complaining. I love working from home (I mean, spare 2 hours of commute time, why not?)- and to be honest, it's a great way to spend week 2. I have 2GB of things to read through (I know because it filled 2 memory sticks) and a presentation to put together, so I will definitely be busy.

As I type this, I have my home-made iced tea in front of me, and I am about to go outside on the front porch to read presentations, drink ice tea and sit in my yoga pants, t-shirt and sunglasses so I can soak up the sun while I work. Hmm- soak up the sun and work. I think I just re-defined multi-tasking. But in a really good way. :)

Life is good.

Back to the Grind...

2010-06-16T20:33:00.000-04:00

I really enjoyed being lazy....it was something I never really got to do in my life. Mat leave was the only time I ever had off, and really, that wasn't time off.

So I started the new job. Today was day 3....so far so good. I learned a few things:

Companies in the same industry are more similar than different
That being said, culture is radically different from one place to the next
I feel good about this change :)
Taking public transit to work is not fun if you are used to driving in/yapping on the phone and listening to the radio full blast in the morning
When you take public transit, you cannot wear heels to work or your feet get blisters by the end of the day (mental note, I need to buy appropriate walking shoes)
Makeup melts off your face if you run to catch a train in the heat
Saying you have to catch a train is a good way to leave the office on time without people bugging you to stay for "five more minutes"
When you leave a company after 18 years, you feel lost in the new place, but the new place will still treat you like you are the best thing since sliced bread (great feeling)
Good friends from your last company will still stay by your side even after you leave. See - those friendships weren't because of the company-they ARE because of the people!

Overall, I am feeling good so far.

Time Flies.

2010-06-13T19:21:00.000-04:00

I start my new job tomorrow. I can't believe it's been almost 4 weeks already. I don't even know where the time went.

This was the first time in my life that I ever just blew with the wind. I mean, I went to the gym, I cleaned up, I rested, watched TV, hung out with some friends....I could SO get used to this life. I did not keep a calendar, I did not answer to anyone, and I really just enjoyed myself. It was good. And I learned to let go of a few toxic things along the way. Some were related to my personal life, some were related to friends, and some were just related to me being too hard on myself. It was all good. I feel happy.

Well, I'm excited about starting another new chapter in my life. Very excited. Wish me luck...

Baby Wipes

2010-06-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

Conversations like the one I had with my son this morning remind me of how messed up things can sometimes be.

I was driving my son to school, and as I turned the corner, I watched my son rustle through his backpack. And then a little blue package caught my eye. I asked him what it was and he tried to brush me off. I asked if I could see it and he pulled out a little mini packet of baby wipes. Weird. I asked where he got it and he said he found it in a diaper bag at his dad's house. So my next questions were what is your dad doing with a diaper bag, and why do you have an empty packet of baby wipes in your backpack?

His answer? Get out the tissue box my friends....

He found it in our old diaper bag that was amongst some of his dad's old things. He kept the old baby wipe packet in his backpack, because it reminded him of the times when his dad and I were together. It made him think about times where all of us must have gone out together as a family, and done happy things together. A time when he had a real family. He said they must have been really happy times.

And in the hope of keeping and old and distant memory, my son keeps an empty packet of diaper wipes tucked secretly away in a hidden compartment of his backpack.

How sad is that? And just imagine- I thought the kids were OK, and that they were doing well. When really, it sounds more like they need serious therapy.

Sighhhh. How do you know when you are doing enough as a single mom? And how do you bridge the sadness for these children?

My heart feels so heavy today...now I feel like I'm the one who needs the therapy.

The Good Looking Officer

2010-06-01T20:45:00.000-04:00

I had to go to traffic court a few days ago. Recall my accident almost a year ago....the guy who was charged was fighting the ticket and I got summoned to come to court as a witness. What a total waste of time, but I guess they have to do it. If I didn't show, there would be nobody to tell the other side and they would have to drop the charges. So I went to court. I debated not going at all. I mean the guy was nice, he didn't mean to ram into me, and he was nice about making sure I was OK. So why should I care if he doesn't get charged?

Well, apparently when you are summoned to appear in court, you kind of have to go. So I went.

When I got there, I recognized the guy who hit me. He waved and came over to chat. Like I said, nice enough guy. As we were talking, this really really good looking police officer walks by. He waves to the cop and says hello. I say "Damn, he is good looking....you know him?" His response, "Yes I do, and so do you. He is the officer that came to our accident scene and he is the one that gave me the ticket. And by the way, you said the exact same thing when the accident happened".

I DID?? (Man I'm getting old. I don't remember that!)

The guy goes on to say "Yes, you did....you got out of your car, complained about your back pain, took one look at the officer and said 'damn, he's good looking'.

I'm so embarrassed. Firstly, how wrong is it to make a comment like that? Secondly, how wrong is it to do it twice??? I feel like I'm one big walking hormone. Like in high school. Sheesh.

Mental note. Don't look at the cops. Especially not the good looking ones. And if you do, keep your comments in your head. Inside voice Shaz, inside voice.

Remember when you were a child?

2010-06-01T11:46:00.003-04:00

I've been able to spend more time with my children lately. It's been really nice. And I've been able to pay more attention to the things that I haven't been able to pay attention to before....perhaps because my mind was so occupied. I've been able to chat more with the children, listen to the things on their mind, and all of it has also taken me down memory lane.

Take for example the other night. I was watching TV and went upstairs to go to bed. I saw a little light coming out from under the covers in my son's room. My first reaction- anger. If this child is playing video games under that blanket at 11pm, I'm going to tear a strip off him. So I walk in his room and ask what he is doing. He responds with "I'm sorry mama. Please don't be mad". And he pulls out a flashlight. And a book. My son was reading a book! Let me clarify- MY SON with ADHD who hates reading was reading at 11pm under the covers. He couldn't put down the Gordon Korman book I got him from the library. So I remind myself that this is a teachable moment. React nicely. I smile and say "No honey. I'm not mad, I did that when I was little too. I'm glad you like the book, and I don't mind you reading under the covers, but can you do this on weekends? If you don't go to bed on time, you're going to be late for school tomorrow." He beamed. "I love you mama". I respond with "I love you too. Hey that must be some good book, huh?"....

The funny thing is, I did the exact same thing when I was little. I would love reading under the covers with a flashlight. It actually made me happy he was doing it. (And even more happy it wasn't a video game)...

Today, I had another flashback to childhood. I was coming home from the gym and decided to drive by the children's school. I had no specific reason, I just thought it would be neat to see if they were outside. And they were. I parked my car and watched the children play. I couldn't spot my children, but what I saw was pure joy. Children laughing, running, playing, being carefree. It was beautiful, and it reminded me of our recess breaks in school. Exchanging stickers, playing with Barbie dolls, and playing tag. And here they were. It sure was fun being a kid.

I wanted to run in and play too. I wanted to let go of all my adult worries for just 10 minutes and play tag with the children. I wanted to forget the bills, the new job, the old job, counting calories, going to the gym. I just wanted to play.

I'm glad they are children. I'm glad they are happy. But most of all, I love these rare moments where I can reminisce and live vicariously through them.

Puberty Education

2010-05-26T20:46:00.002-04:00

My little baby is growing up. And I hate it.

I know I shouldn't. But it makes me kind of sad. Not want-another-baby sad, but just kind of sad. And a bit fearful. After all, the hardest, dreaded teenage years are yet to come.

My son brought a note home from school yesterday. It is a note advising me that the class will be separated between girls and boys for a few days next week so they can do "puberty education". Basically, this is not sex education, just giving them information about puberty, and the changes that their bodies will go through.

Sigh. Already? Really? I mean, I can still remember breastfeeding my son. I can remember carrying around diaper bags and pushing strollers. I was not expecting this so soon...

I asked him if he will share his "learnings" with me. He gave me a sheepish smile and said "Yes mama. But won't it be embarrassing for you to hear all this?" UM. NO. Trust me, I already know everything they are going to tell you. I just want to know how much of it you will learn.

I asked him if he got any examples of what they will teach. Yes, he says. They will tell you about the body parts that grow hair, using deodorant, etc.

I want to know what the "etc" is. Sigh. I guess it's time to buckle up. The roller-coaster ride is going to begin soon.

Have I ever mentioned my fear of roller-coasters? Or the fact that the queasy stomach feeling makes me want to throw up?

Judging the Gym Instructor

2010-05-26T20:44:00.002-04:00

Guilty as charged. Here is what happened.

I went to the gym yesterday for a kick boxing class. I sat on the floor, holding my spot, waiting for the instructor to arrive. In comes the instructor, a very heavy woman, who looked twice my size (no word of a lie). My jaw dropped. I've never seen an instructor who looked so unfit, and this lady was going to teach ME how to get my abs in shape? She was twice my size (for real)! No way. My mind raced thoughts- should I leave and do my own workout? Drive to the other gym and make it for their class? Or stick it out? I decided to stick it out.

10 minutes into the class, I felt like Simon Cowell when Susan Boyle started to sing. This woman was really kicking it. I mean REALLY. I could not keep up with her. And to my shame, halfway through the class, as I was huffing and puffing, she came up to me, gently touched my shoulder and said "Honey, this is your first class ...do you want me to show you how to do the beginner moves, it might help?"

No way. I go to the gym 3 times a week (OK, sometimes 2). I have been taking kick boxing for 6 months. But still. Here I was JUDGING this woman, and I couldn't even keep up with her.

I will never judge a book by it's cover again.

So today...I went to the gym again, and to my surprise, there she was, ready to teach this class as well. This time I smiled at her and said "See...I'm still alive....ready for another round". Her response "Good girl...we will get you to where you need to be".

And this time, I didn't doubt her one bit. I'm actually going to scope out her classes and try to attend. They were HARD. And she was rockin awesome.

Clearing the Closet

2010-05-23T13:25:00.002-04:00

My name is Shaz, and I am a shoe-aholic.

On second thought, let's make that a shop-aholic. I think I need help.

As part of my personal goal for some downtime before starting my new job, I decided to re-organize things, starting with all the closets/drawers/cupboards in my home.

I did the kitchen and main floor yesterday. This morning, I woke up and decided to start with my room. More specifically, my closet. What a disaster.

I found things that were so old, I don't even know where they came from. For example, there was the pair of shoes I bought when I was married. If my calculations are correct, they are about 15 years old. Still as fabulous as ever, very expensive, but worn only 3 times. What a waste. I decided to add them to the donation pile.

Then there were a few that I decided to finally give up and throw out.

The kicker was the 7 pairs of shoes I found that are totally fabulous, but have never been worn. Not even once. The icing on the cake was the very sexy pair of red strappy sequined sandals, that I cannot even remember buying. They are totally fantastic, and I intend to make use of them this summer. But for the life of me, I do not remember when or where I bought these beauties. Either I have serious memory issues, or I just have too much stuff. Maybe it's a bit of both.

Anyhow, today truly was a "shop in your closet" day. I have given myself 6 months to make use of my new finds, or they are out the door. Let's see how I do.

I can say one thing...with things re-organized, it definitely did wonders for my mental state. With all that clutter and baggage out of the way, I'm feeling really great.

And finding those new strappy red sandals didn't hurt either. I actually did a glee dance when I found them. Happy day!

Pink Laptop

2010-05-22T20:25:00.000-04:00

Last week, I bought myself a Pink Sony VAIO. I've heard mixed reviews about the Sony, but so far, I think it's great. And its PINK. Yaay!

It's funny- for the longest time, well, for as long as I can remember, I've had this "pink" obsession...anything and everything pink makes me smile. At work, I had my friend swing me a cute little pink blackberry. Non company standard, but loads of fun! :)

Yesterday, I sat here in my family room, windows open, drinking diet Pepsi and typing on my new pink laptop.

Life is good :)

You just know...

2010-05-20T23:07:00.002-04:00

Oprah interviewed Simon Cowell from American Idol on her show today. Her question to him was "Why are you leaving the show"? His answer was "Because you just know when it's time to go".

I can relate. The timing for these things is never perfect, but it is what it is, and you just know when it's time.

Words to live by...

This week, I resigned from my job. After 18 years of being with the same company, a company that I worked for since I was 20 years old, in my undergraduate years. It was a scary thing to do, but for so many reasons, it was time.

Onwards to the next phase in my career...Fingers crossed, ready for the ride.

A Sick Action

2010-05-03T22:39:00.002-04:00

I missed my ex's telephone call tonight (my ex is entitled to a nightly phone call with the children). It wasn't on purpose or anything. I think I was on the phone when he called, dialing out perhaps and his call went right into voicemail. He called again at 9:15 and by that time, the children were already asleep. I apologized when he called. His response- he went to the police station at 10pm tonight and insisted that I WAKE UP the children so that he could speak to them. This is seriously ill judgment and in no way does it indicate any amount of love or care for the well being of the children. It was purely a control tactic and seriously concerning. In what way is waking up the children from a deep sleep in the middle of the night to say hello good for their well being? And what normal rational mentally well parent would do such a cruel thing to his own children?

I am so fed up of all this bullshit. Just when I think God is finally giving me a chance to breathe, I get this bullshit. It's seriously screwed up.

This is a man who has not respected the court order himself. He has called at his leisure, sometimes at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm, 7pm, 8pm, and 9pm. Not once have I stopped him from speaking to the children. Not once have I given him a hard time. I have always wanted to be the better parent, the one who did not put the children in the middle. But this is absolutely enough. My ex is just a hostile person, and I am becoming concerned again about the children's safety when they are under his care.

I am happy to respect the court order, but he needs to accept the same. On the one hand, he requests lenience from me, and on the other, he is rigid and down right selfish when it comes to the children. This is totally unacceptable.

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I seriously think I need to get the hell out of Toronto. And get the kids to a safer place where they can live a more stable life. I have never felt so completely isolated in my entire life.

Where Did the Neat Freak Go?

2010-04-25T21:48:00.004-04:00

So I got a few things done this weekend. And I actually feel a sense of accomplishment.

I know that I am mentally sorting life out when I clean up the piles of well, the piles of stuff that builds up in my home. See, while I am a germ freak, (you will find my home always sanitized), I have to admit that I am not always the tidiest person in the world. I like to tell myself (and others) that I am a neat freak, but having observed myself for the past few years, I have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a neat freak (although sometimes, where I have to start the cleanup task, I really wish I were).

Funny. When I was married, I was a total neat freak. I would stay up until 4am cleaning the place. I would stress out when things were out of order. Maybe that was because so much in my life was in disarray, that I had to maintain some order in some area of my life. I also had an ulcer, and ultimately a stress attack which led me to the decision to file for divorce.

Now, my home is happier, more content than ever (thank you GOD!) but it can actually get rather untidy at times. By this, I mean that for example, you will see things like a pile of my children's books sitting on the sofa on top of the big blanket they lie under when they are reading. In the kitchen, you will find dishes in the sink, left from the afternoon snacks/nutella/bowls of cereal the kids ate when hungry. In the hallway, you will find shoes, coats, knapsacks sometimes put neatly to the side, and sometimes left where they took them off. Kids. Sigh.

In the bedrooms, there are stuffed toys, laundry to be put away, clothes that need to be washed...

But it's OK. I can come to terms with it. Because ultimately, in this home, for the first time in my life, I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel like I can let my guard down, and most of all, I feel content. And that contentment is also a first for me.

While I am not advocating for an untidy house, I can honestly say that I think part of my contentment comes from having a space where I can let my guard down. It's a space where I can rest, and not stress about what others will think, because I choose who to invite in. I choose (very carefully) who I welcome into my home. Only the non-judgmental people are welcome here. Only my true friends. And it's come to a point that others feel it. I have been told by many people that there is a special warmth that welcomes them when they visit me. And I believe it, because I feel it too.

So, I will take the untidy home any day. There is something to be said about not stressing about things. I wouldn't trade this for the world. So thank you pile of books. Thank you backpacks, thank you dirty dishes. Thank you for helping me let go.

Cutting Myself some Slack

2010-04-19T21:00:00.003-04:00

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you work, you can never do enough?

Lately, I've been feeling like anything I do is just not good enough. That's a tough one. It's like when those around you make you feel like you have somehow failed. It's a weird feeling, because my logic tells me I've accomplished alot. I'm a good mother. Maybe I'm not a perfect mother. Maybe my children don't have the best grades, and maybe they don't have the strongest religious faith, but I'm trying. But sometimes, friends who mean well come along and point out all the flaws ("you should really be doing this" or "you need more backbone when disciplining your kids"), and you are left standing there wondering how one human being such as myself could so badly mess things up.

And then a day goes by and logic kicks back in and I realize that I've done not so badly given the limited resources that I have. At the end of the day, regardless of family and friends, I stand alone. And by that, I mean that there is nobody here doing the laundry, the dishes, the homework, the housework, or paying the bills. It's so easy to judge the flaws of another human being when you are on the outside looking in, but really it's very hard to be the person on the inside, especially when you stand alone.

My one ask of the world is that you cut me some slack. I'm only human. And at the end of the day, for the time being, even if it only lasts one month at a time, I see things this way:

Yes my house could be tidier, but I spend the extra time with my children
Yes my kids could have better grades, but I have one child with ADHD and another who is just always needy and clingy. So they don't have the best grades, but for now, they do have the unconditional love of a mother who would do just about anything for them, and I'm trying to make them feel intelligent and worthy as human beings. That's all I've got to offer.
Yes my kids have their temperamental days, but they are human, and so am I, and so we can let it slide right?
Yes I am always on my blackberry. Yes it impacts the kids. But I am a single mom with a deadbeat ex husband who doesn't help much financially and I have to support the family on my own while nobody is here to support me and give me downtime. No it's not right that I am a crack berry addict, but yes it is understandable.
Yes I could afford to lose a few pounds. But I can only go to the gym 2 days a week- Sat and Sunday. And I do that. It's the best I can do. Stop beating me up for it and telling me that I am not attractive enough, or that I need to lose weight. I own a mirror and yes I do look in it. Fortunately, losing weight is at least do-able (albeit someday). Those of you making these comments need to undergo a personality transplant. As far as I know, personality transplants are not so readily available. So there.

I'm learning to be kind to myself. The next step is to teach some of my friends to start doing the same. In the meantime, I'm going to try to focus on the few things that I think I am doing well enough to deserve some praise.

Who needs the approval of others anyways?

AND....She's back.

2010-04-05T21:43:00.002-04:00

Call it a sabbatical :)

I needed a break from the world. To think about things. And I've been busy. But overall, I can say that life is busy, but life is generally good.

I'm thankful for the friends who taught me how important friendship is. Thankful for the ones who you don't see often, but have meaningful presences when you do see each other. You know, the ones you can call after months and pick up like time never passed at all. And I'm even thankful for the ones who have taught me that different friends can be trusted with different things. Not everyone is capable of protecting your heart in times of need. Some just don't have the emotional know how to do that. It's not anyone's fault. It's who they are.

But generally, I feel I have some direction. A game plan for life. (Well for now). I'm defining what I need and need to plan out how to get there.

I've also been re-defining my relationships with family. Like friends, not all family members should be treated equally.

Overall, I am well, the kids are good, and I am happy. My ex is still who he is. He still creates problems here and there, but I'm learning to accept that this is who he is, and this is how things will always be. I figure if I stop fighting it, maybe it will bother me less and less?

So far so good :)

Becoming Someone Else

2010-01-07T23:27:00.002-05:00

How does one move on from a difficult life experience? By becoming someone else.

When you experience something truly traumatic, something that totally paralyzes you, it is almost impossible to remain who you are and to move on. These types of experiences fundamentally change who you are. They have to. That's the only way to make it through them, to get past them. This realization just hit me recently.

I was debating with a close friend. He had a hard time understanding how someone like me (tough, independent, strong willed) could ever allow a man to treat me the way my ex treated me. I kept explaining that I am different today. He asked when I changed. I thought about it, and realized the answer. I changed the day I left him. I had to. Because the girl who stuck around for 11 years had to be left behind completely for me to be able to start a new life. I had to very deliberately leave her behind, and that is exactly what I did. And I had to promise that I would not let her come back.

So to those that have a hard time understanding how I got though it, you need to first understand that I had to let go of who I was. I had to let go of the wishful, dreamy, overly dedicated, naive and somewhat pathetic girl. I had to develop thick skin. I had to think more about myself and my children. I almost had to become the opposite of who I was.

I basically had to create a new me.

And I'm still creating her. Something tells me I won't ever finish. And I'm really OK with that. I am sort of enjoying the discovery process, enjoying learning about myself. Over the past 5 years, I've learned about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned that I make a lot of mistakes. I screw up sometimes. But I am sincere. I don't try deliberately to hurt those around me. I've learned that I have an incredible ability to forgive. (Even if I haven't quite developed the ability to forget). But that's OK. Overall, I don't mind the person I've become. I kind of like her. I just wish I found her a bit sooner. 11 years was a long time to wait to meet her.

But it's better late than never. And so as I look forward to the future, I wonder what else I will learn about myself, what other strengths I have that I didn't see before.

And I say goodbye to the other girl that I left behind. I thank her for helping me build a foundation, for giving me the opportunity to change, and for not insisting on traveling the remainder of the journey with me.

And I thank God. For the experiences, for the strengths, and for not letting me fall as hard as I could have.

A New Decade With Renewed Hope

2010-01-03T21:25:00.003-05:00

I'm looking forward to the new decade. I'm hoping it marks an end to all that I had to clear out of my life in the last decade.

In hindsight, 2009 was not a bad year at all. I finalized my court proceedings. Things were stable at work. I feel like I've reconnected with my kids and stabilized my finances. And because the court case has finally ended, there is now a band-aid on the financial bleeding, which means I can rebuild things financially from this point on. It's hard to rebuild when you're still bleeding.

On the emotional front, my personal life is not as stable as I would want it to be, and I've had some recent things to deal with, but regardless, I am emotionally happier. I would say that I am content. And that's a nice seat to be in.

The new decade represents a few things for me:

The hope of emotional stability
Financial stability
Happiness
A decade free of physical pain. Nobody will ever physically hurt me again. Ever.
Independence- from culture, family, the never ending expectations of people
A new life with my children
The knowledge of who my real friends are- it's good to know who is really on your side. I have been given this gift. Every hardship comes with its share of silver lining

I think things have been better for me in the past few months than they have been in the past 15 years. I'm hoping that things continue. If they do, 2010 will be the best year yet.

Goodbye to a Grandfather

2010-01-02T22:23:00.002-05:00

My grandfather passed away a few days ago.

It was on Christmas day. The day that I came home from my trip to Cuba. As I got off the plane at 2pm Christmas Day, I got an urgent text message to call my mother. When I called her, my mother advised that my grandfather had passed away just two hours before (while we were still in the air), and that the family was waiting for me at the hospital so that I could pay my last respects before they take his body away. On that note, just to explain one thing...as Muslims, we have to bury the body right away, like within 24 hours if at all possible.

I rushed to the hospital, prayed a prayer for my grandfather, gave my condolences to my grandmother, and proceeded to make funeral arrangements with my father. This was a tough one, because we needed the funeral to be the next day, and because of the Christmas holidays, we had a tough time finding people to help with the burial service (digging the grave, etc). We ended up finding someone, but had to pay extra to have the funeral over the Christmas closures. Thankfully, we were able to have the funeral on the 26th.

It was sad to see my grandfather go, and from another perspective, it was expected. He was in his 90's, and lived a good life. He was a good man. And towards the end of his life, his quality of life really wasn't there. I asked my mother how he died so suddenly. I mean, I went a few weeks ago to the nursing home on Eid to visit him, and he was fine when I left for Cuba, and then he passed away on the day I was returning. My mother explained that he developed an infection in his leg. Four days before he died, the hospital asked my father to make a decision. They could either amputate both his legs to get rid of the infection, or they could put him on morphine and let nature decide his fate. My dad opted for the morphine. He didn't feel that there was any dignity in amputating his limbs, and he was concerned that this type of a surgery may not even be successful. I believe he made the right decision. He was told my grandfather would have 1-4 months to live. He died 4 days later.

I'm glad he died sooner, rather than suffering for an extended period of time. Still, it's sad to say goodbye to a man that lived with us for over 15 years when I was growing up. After his death, I remembered a day when I was 12 years old, trying to avoid one of my regular Quran lessons with grandfather, running and hiding in the bedroom closet. As I read from the Quran after my grandfather's death, I had tears in my eyes as I recalled the day he found me in the closet and said "Just remember, when my time comes, and I pass away, read from the Quran for me. Make sure you're not hiding in the closets when that time comes, ok?". I remember saying "Dada (urdu for grandfather), you're going to live a long time". And thankfully he did. And yes, I did get to pray for him, and I was glad I was able to do it. I can also thank him for encouraging me to learn my prayers. That's one contribution that he has made that will continue on, every time I read a prayer. And when I do read those prayers, I will make sure I pray one for him.

Cuba in December

2010-01-02T22:10:00.002-05:00

The children and I just came back from a trip to Cuba. We had an awesome time. Life has been really busy lately, and I knew it was time for a break. So a few weeks ago, I made a spur of the moment decision and booked a trip for the 3 of us.

Cuba was great. It was cold for the first 3 days (really cold, like 10 degrees cold), but we still had an awesome trip. The last 4 days were very warm, and we got the opportunity to hang out on the beach. Most of all, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually got the chance to take a break. Like a lie-on-the-beach and do nothing, think of nothing kind of break. And it was awesome. Many of my friends said that a beach vacation would not be for me, that I would go crazy, and that I would end up bored. They were wrong. I am amazed at how I was able to lie there for hours and just love it. I can't wait to go on another beach getaway.

We celebrated my son's birthday while we were away. The restaurant manager baked a cake for my son and had the piano player play "happy birthday" for him. My son loved it. The resort we stayed at had such a great Public Affairs manager, that on my son's birthday, he walked the beach looking for us so that he could give my son a little gift (badminton set) and a card. I thought it was a really nice touch.

The bonding period with my kids was awesome. I cannot wait to get away with the kids again.

Home Alone, Yet Underage

2009-11-23T21:18:00.000-05:00

Getting back to the topic of my ex's idiotic tendencies, I had another issue with him a few weeks back. This one really ticked me off, to the point that I couldn't function for days. It was another one of those 'do I call the cops, or do I deal with matters on my own' situations. Yet another one. It never ends. On this note, one of the questions I still haven't been able to answer for myself is why have I not been able to contact the authorities thus far? What is my issue? I tell myself that it is because I don't want the children exposed to it, that I don't want their father to be charged, that overall it will only hurt them. While this is true, I think I have to be honest with myself and admit that there is much more to it. For whatever reason, I cannot do it. I wasn't even able to do it before the kids were in the picture, so it has as much to do with ME, with MY issues than with anything else. This is something I have to deal with somehow.

Anyhow, getting back to what happened, a few weeks ago, I was having dinner with my children. My daughter was talking about her play date with a girlfriend while she was at her father's house. It occurred to me that while she was there, my son must have been going to a play date with his friend also. So I asked him what he does when his sister is with her friend. The response is silence, as my child looks down and starts to eat faster. Anyone with children knows that this is a sure sign that something is wrong. So I ask the question again, to which I again get the same response. So I ask what they are hiding from me.

My daughter responds "we are not allowed to tell you". Not allowed to tell me what? So I explain that lying and and keeping something from your mother is a very bad thing. A mother's job is to protect her children. But I cannot protect what I do not know.

So my daughter tells me that "he stays home". As in with your father? "No. As in on his own". As in while he drops you off? "No- as in while he goes out with his friends".

So let me get this straight? Psycho man leaves my 9 year old boy home alone, unattended, while he goes out for coffee with his buddies? Seriously?!! I was infuriated. To top it off, the kids tell me I'm not allowed to tell their dad. Their dad will get mad. So I'm stuck. Protect the kids, or lose their confidence and risk them getting in trouble by their dad? I choose to protect my kids. So I tell them that I have to speak to their dad. I tell them that it is a criminal offense to leave a child home alone. I tell them that when they allow their dad to do it, they are breaking the law as well. I guess this freaked the kids out a bit (I know, it's harsh. But what else can I do? I can't control him, so I have to make the kids understand)...it's for their own good...

I spoke to a friend and told him that I was really ticked. I told him that I needed to have a chit chat with my ex. His advice was that I wait out the weekend and cool off. That if I lose my temper, it will just result in more hostility. So I wait out the weekend.

The following Monday, I call my ex. I wait until I am calm. I ask him if we can talk about the children. He says yes. Then I proceed to tell him that I have come to understand that on a few occasions, he has left our son home alone, unattended. Silence. So I proceed to say that I'm a little confused at why he would do this, after all, he only sees the children for 6 days a month, and if he has childcare issues, perhaps he can leave them with me. That I am only concerned about the children's safety and well being.

And then he blows up at me. He starts calling me a self righteous bitch and starts with all sorts of profanities. On and on. I wait for him to settle down but he doesn't. Then, after a couple of minutes of his non-stop cursing, I step in. I tell him that I have had enough. That he should be thankful that I even called him. All I have to do is call the police or the CAS. After all, what the hell do I care? I'm the custodial parent. I have nothing to lose. He continues swearing and I yell back. It turns into an all out yelling/swearing match. I end the call with "you know what? I'm sorry I called you. I should have called the authorities. I should have known not to give you the benefit of the doubt. Go to hell". And then I hang up.

Two minutes later, I get a text message asking me to calm down, so we can talk again the next day. The next day, I decide no more talking. So I email him. I basically put it in writing that I need a written commitment that he will not leave the children home alone again. And if I find out, I will immediately contact the authorities, without calling him. The response to my email comes via text message. It says "confirmed". That's a typical cover-your-ass response. I follow up with a phone call, again making it clear that I will not tolerate this again. He confirms that it won't happen again.

I leave it at that. I save the text message with the email. He might have used a different medium, but it's still evidence.

This was all a few weeks ago. Since then, I have checked in with the kids many times. They have stated that they have not been left alone since then. I believe them for now.

But rest assured, if I find out he is doing this again, I'm seriously going to lose it next time. No more mercy. (Ok, now THAT line was DEJA VU...)

Poisoning a Child's Mind

2009-11-22T21:56:00.002-05:00

So what do you do when an ex says destructive things about the other parent? What recourse do we have in a divorce situation? There isn't a court in the country that can stop one parent from filling a child's mind with crap about the other parent. So how do we deal with these things?

Today my children came home from a weekend with their father. As soon as they got home, my son asked me what I did all weekend. I told him that I did some shopping, went to the gym, cleaned out my closets, did some laundry and watched a movie with some friends. He was quiet. I asked what was bothering him.

He said that his father told him (in confidence), that when the kids are with their dad, their mother has "sex with various different men" and that I am a "very loose woman". I cannot begin to describe how angered I am right now. I am so furious I can barely type. Firstly, I don't even know if my almost 10 year old son knows what sex is. (I am hoping he does not). I asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant kissing and sleeping in the same bed.

I proceeded to tell him that no, it is not true and that his father has no right to make up stories about me. He asked how he as a child can tell which parent is telling the truth (it's a fair question). I explained that firstly, the parent who tells you things in secret is usually doing something wrong (or making things up), and that he as my son should have a pretty good idea of the type of woman I am. Thirdly, I explained that IF in some way, I were doing something wrong, how the heck would his dad know about it? It's not like he's here to watch me. That was the light bulb moment for my son. Oh yeah, he says. How would he know something like that about you? Well duh.

I called my friend to vent about this. He told me that these are the things I cannot change. My ex is an asshole of the supremest degree and that is who he will always be. I will have to deal with these things as they come up. I just hope one day everything he does bites him. He deserves it. He deserves a miserable life. And yes, I am wishing it upon him. I'm angry. Kill me for venting if you don't like it.

My biggest mistake was marrying that scum of a human being. 5 and a half years after my leaving him, and he still doesn't let up. Some days, it feels like I will never have any peace. Sigh.

Your True Self, During Adversity

2009-11-09T22:19:00.004-05:00

Someone shared an interesting thought with me today.

This person said that we all think we know who we are, but that our true self really comes out during times of adversity. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. When we are happy, we give to charity, we are kind to others, and we forgive easier. When we go through difficulties, we have an opportunity to learn who we really are- whether we are inherently good people or not, and what our personal challenges and vices really are. We learn if we are capable of rising above, and these moments can also teach us how to understand others when they go through hardships, as we have all, at some level or another, experienced hardships of our own.

So that makes me wonder. I have learned a hell of a lot about myself over the past few years. Most of the things I can honestly say I am really proud of. I learned that I'm tougher than I think, that I can survive more than I ever thought, and that I am not a bad person. I also learned that no matter how hard life gets, it does get easier.

On the flip side, I've also learned that even good people can sometimes make mistakes, say things and do things that they may not normally do. Some of them we regret, and some of them we don't. Some we make right, and some we leave as wrong. While I can honestly say that I am not a bad person, I have also learned that I am far from perfect. I've spent the past 5 years rebuilding my life, and in the process, I have made some mistakes as well. I can be kind enough to myself not to punish myself for my mistakes, but at the same time, I've also learned that nobody gets a free ticket. We are all, after all, accountable for our actions.

So, as I continue to rebuild my life, one of the thoughts I will keep in mind the next time I face difficulty is that who I am, and who I become, is directly related to how I conduct myself during those difficult times. this makes them opportunities- to change, to better myself, and truly create the person I want to be. The best thing to keep in mind- nobody should get a free ticket. And there is karma. Mistakes are OK if we learn from them, but we do at the end of the day, all reap the rewards of our own efforts- both the good ones, and the bad ones.

Discovering the Library

2009-09-29T21:00:00.002-04:00

I've just discovered the library!

In the day and age of all that is internet, I have avoided the library. It just seemed easier to buy books online and have them delivered to my door. No back and forth, no missed due dates, no fuss. Yes, it costs more money, but I figured that as a single mom, life was just one step easier this way. My pocketbook has recently started speaking differently.

Tonight, my son asked for another book in the series he is reading. I've bought 6 so far at $12 bucks a piece. I know there are 6 more to go, and I frankly was not looking forward to the added expense. Just as I was explaining why I couldn't buy another one just yet (while driving home after work tonight), I looked up and saw right there in front of me, the Library.

I have NEVER taken my children to the library. Today was our first time, and it was a random unplanned visit, just to save $12 and get my child off my back for a few more days.

Can I just say that I am IN LOVE with the Library?

The books cost nothing (yes I knew that), and the Library is 5 minutes from my home (I didn't know that). My kids can keep books for 3 weeks (I thought it would be one week) and the Library card costs nothing to setup (I didn't know that either).

I'm not trying to show everyone how ignorant I am, or how little I know, but wow. I grew up going to the Library (Immigrant parents don't like spending money unnecessarily on books they can read for free). I need to learn more from my immigrant parents. They were onto something!

So I am $12 richer today. And I am officially a Library lover.

Hooray for free reading!

Happy Eid 2009

2009-09-23T22:10:00.002-04:00

So Ramadan has come and gone and Eid came and went on the weekend. I find it amazing how fast time flies.

During the course of Ramadan, I learned a few things:

I learned how difficult a fast becomes when you tag just a few more hours of daylight into the day (the Islamic calendar is shorter than our calendar, so Ramadan moves by almost 2 weeks every year. As it inches closer and closer to the peak of summer, the fasts are becoming increasingly harder).
I learned that we, as humans tend to be ungrateful. I learned this from my experience complaining about being a single mom, only to learn that others have it much harder than I do. I blogged about this experience in my last post.
I learned that we as humans make many mistakes in life (even the best of us), and that at some point, we have to make our wrongs right again. As long as we know when we are wrong, we are still headed in the right direction. Life is a long learning process, and the journey is not an easy one.
I learned that I have the best of friends. Friends that will stay by your side, even when you make mistakes.
I learned that a bout of bronchitis can throw off an entire week.
I learned that when you self medicate and try to treat everything as allergies, it doesn't work. Tip of the month- Claritin will not make you feel better if you have bronchitis. Antibiotics, on the other hand, are your best friend in this scenario.
I learned that when you pray really hard for something, sometimes it does come true.
I learned that fears can be paralyzing.
I learned that when you eat a cheeseburger after 14 hours of fasting, you will feel sick.
I learned that the thoughts in my head sometimes don't make any sense at all when I start typing.

But thanks for listening anyways. You all fall under item #4...

Kids in the Front Seat of the Car

2009-09-22T22:18:00.000-04:00

Never debate with a child.

About 2 months ago, my son and I had a little disagreement. He claimed that his friends are allowed to sit in the front seat of the car. I told him that it was impossible, because according to the law, you had to be 13. (I know I heard this somewhere). He insisted that many of his friends did it, so they can't all be wrong. I told him the law was the law, and that I was not willing to break it.

Then he came up with a genius idea. "Why don't we drive to the police station and ask them?" This worked for me. After all, what better solution than having an officer tell him that this is indeed the law?

So, we get to the police station, I ask the officer the question, and he responds (to my son's complete joy) that there is no such law, that it is the discretion of the parent, and that in fact there have been no cases in Canada of children dying in accidents as a result of being in the front seat.

I was horrified. I even jokingly commented "You had to say that in front of the kid, didn't you?"... He gave me a sympathetic smile, and I was on my way.

The parenting rule that I learned from this is that you should not open a debate or let it go further than you are willing to go. In the event that you lose, you cannot back out and say "Because I said so". "Because I said so" only works up front. Not AFTER you go to the police station.

My son has been joyfully sitting in the front seat for the past two months. I have lost control of my radio, my ability to have some quiet me time, and most of all, I have a slightly bruised ego.

I guess mothers aren't always right....

Gratitude

2009-09-03T15:10:00.002-04:00

God has a funny way of showing you things when you least expect it.

I got an email from my girlfriend. She wrote to me requesting some help for a family that she recently learned about. She was asking me if I might be able to help as I have a son, and maybe therefore some hand me downs that I can share with another single mom.

The single mom is blind, and has a 2 and a half year old son. Her husband left her after coming to the country and getting his Canadian Immigration. All they need is clothes for her 2.5 yr old little boy. The "ask" was for even a couple of old outfits of my son's that I can donate to this family.

I find this amazing. Just this morning, I was talking to a friend about how difficult my situation is being a working single mom with two kids, and the same day, I get shown a situation where somebody is blind, a single mom, with no money, no chance at a job, and no future. My situation would be like heaven to her. It's amazing how God shows us things when we least expect it.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share my thought of the day. What a learning. Wow. I feel like I need to be more grateful. And I feel ashamed for even complaining for one second.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Sending Elderly to a Nursing Home

2009-08-31T12:15:00.002-04:00

My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Old age is catching up to him. He is 97 years old, and has lived a very full life. He is generally in good health. He has all his senses, he comprehends everything, and his bodily functions are all there. He was first taken to the hospital a few weeks back because of severe stomach cramps. Turns out, he has some kidney problems. His kidneys function fine, but he needs a catheter to get the urine out. He has blood clots in his body that put him at risk of a stroke. We have been told that he cannot go home, as it will increase his risks. We have been told to put him in a long term care facility. To the average person, this sounds like no big deal. For a Pakistani man, this is unheard of.

My dad is having a tough time coming to terms with this. Culturally speaking, Pakistanis follow an extended family care system. Mothers stay home to raise children, or they depend on extended family to help if they need to work full time. Parents live with their children and are cared for by them when they get older. That is the deal. Sending parents to a home is a slap in the face. It is like saying "You are too much trouble for us to care for you". It means you aren't wanted anymore. It means you are a burden.

So when the hospital tells my dad that taking his father home is out of the question due to stroke risks, he is in a real predicament. How does he help the transition to a nursing home for a man who doesn't believe in nursing homes? All my life I heard my grandfather talk about the cultural differences between the east and the west. The one he always brought up was the west's inability to repay their parents for raising them, by caring for them in their old age. And I find it ironic that of all the people in the world to have to go to a home, it ends up being my grandfather, the one person who hated this concept more than anyone else in the world.

My dad told him what the doctors said. He does not seem happy. I told my dad he should have been smarter about it. Maybe he should have told my grandfather that he was going to a rehab center to get better. It's all in the positioning.

And then there is another issue. Because there has not been a large demand for nursing homes by the south Asian community, there are very few that have south Asian residents. So that means food that grandpa won't eat (pot roast? Are you kidding me? Where is the curry chicken?). It also means no halal meat, which is a deal breaker for him.

So my dad has to find a home that allows us to bring our own food on a daily basis. Not an easy task at all.

I suspect that as more people face the issue of aging parents who need extended care, we will have more options available to us. In the meantime, our family continues the search.

It's been a long time since my last post...

2009-08-31T12:08:00.002-04:00

Life has been crazy busy.

My back is a mess after the car accident...doctor says that there will be some residual damage that we can't fix. That was really depressing news.
Ramadan started just over a week ago. The days are long, and so are the fasts. While I love the holy month, I find it a bit tougher this year.
My grandfather is in the hospital...he's been there for weeks. Old age is catching up to him.
Kids go back to school next week, so this week is a bit hairy.

I'll blog more regularly moving forward...

My Car is Cursed

2009-07-22T22:06:00.002-04:00

For sure. I had a car accident yesterday. Again, this was a "not at fault" accident, meaning the other guy was charged. But still. I think I'm getting superstitious. I mean, I'm a good driver and ever since I've had this car, I have not been lucky on the road. It feels like every speed demon in the world is targeting my car.

On a not-so- complaining note, I do have to be grateful that the kids were not in the car at the time. That my friends, is the silver lining.

Here is what happened.

I was driving to work, had just dropped the kids off. It was just after 9am. I got to the intersection and slowed down to stop at an amber light. It was a red light intersection and I did not want to start the day off with a ticket. So I slowed down and stopped before it turned red. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the car behind me coming straight at me, in full speed. I watched in horror is he plowed into my car. He my car flew into the intersection. Fortunately, the oncoming traffic hadn't started yet, so I quickly reversed my car back, and he got out of his car. He was very apologetic. He said he thought I would try to go through the amber light, and so he thought he would do the same, and that he didn't think I would try to stop. I explained that it is a red light intersection and therefore a bad idea to run the light.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he got charged, and I got injured. I mean, he was going 80km/hr full speed and didn't slow down. My bumper/trunk is all smashed up and I have a rental. My back is brutal (I have a bad back to begin with), and I am in excruciating pain. Pain killers and anti-infammatories are my best friend at the moment. I didn't go to the office yesterday or today, and I don't have any intentions of going in tomorrow.

I hope they write off the car. Maybe a new one will bring me better luck. This one seems to be a magnet for road rage drivers.

To add insult to injury, I'm wondering if by hitting my car and sending it into the intersection, will that red light camera now send me a ticket? I was stopped until he smashed me and pushed me into the intersection. Wouldn't that be a joke?

A Gift From a Friend

2009-07-19T22:47:00.003-04:00

My friend Syd loved gardening. He loved flowers. He was one of those guys that wasn't shy about it either. I remember when I first moved into my home, I told him that the lady had just planted a rose bush, but that it only gave about 4 roses. He told me how to trim the rosebush. He explained that roses can be tough. But I never bothered doing it. I tried in year one and didn't like the prickly thorns. He laughed and explained that I needed leather gloves. I complained that it wasn't worth it. The next 2 years that followed, I got someone else to trim the rosebush. I got 7 roses each year.

This year, I decided to go out and buy leather gloves and give it a go myself. I trimmed them exactly as he explained. To my shock, about 3 or 4 weeks later, I got bunches and bunches of roses. It was like a gift from my friend.

Every time I came home and saw the roses this summer, I had to smile. They reminded me of him. He always said "All you need to do is give them a little patience, and a little love. Roses are tough, but not impossible".

From now on, I do my own rosebushes. Thank you, my friend.

Maybe a New Monday Tradition?

2009-07-19T22:32:00.006-04:00

Last week on Monday, I decided to do something different for the summer. I decided that once a week, when I go to pick up the children from daycare in the summer, I would pick up some food, and head to a park for a picnic. Monday last week was our first outing. I picked up the kids, picked up some drive thru, and we went to the lakeshore. I had a blanket in the trunk, we spread it out over the sand and ate dinner right by the water. After dinner, I sat and watched the children skip stones in the lake. I realized that this is what summer is about.

I managed to snap this pic and just had to post it. What a beautiful evening. I intend to stick to the plan and do this at least once a week. No matter how stressful life can be, there is no feeling better than kicking off the heels, taking off the pantyhose, throwing on a pair of flipflops and sitting by the water with your children after a long day.

Now THAT was priceless.

Happy Canada Day 2009!

2009-07-01T23:09:00.001-04:00

Hope everyone had a great day...

I wanted so badly to take my children to see the fireworks at the city hall. I got there, got a parking spot, and waited 20 mins. Then the kids started falling asleep, and getting cranky, saying they were tired and wanted to go home.

So I ended up getting in the car, turning around and coming home before they even started.

Sigh.

Next Canada Day, I'm sending them to their dad's so I can go and watch the fireworks myself.

Boxing and Bellydancing

2009-06-24T22:33:00.002-04:00

I know...freaky huh? So my level 2 belly dancing classes start on July 8th. I am totally looking forward to them. Nothing makes you feel prettier or sexier than a few of those lessons. Even if you don't know what you're doing.

In the meantime, to keep myself busy, I decided to try out 5 boxing lessons. Not kickboxing, not cardio-boxing. I'm talking one-on-one boxing lessons with a personal trainer. Gloves, pulling punches, and getting all my frustrations out.

I have to say, it's been a blast.

I must be the first ever gal to take the two together in the same time frame.

It's my schizophrenic side taking over :)

I had to Share this...

2009-06-13T23:52:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I liked it so much. I just did...maybe it's because in our own way, we all can relate to it...and then again, it's inspiring as well...

The Fat Mirror

2009-06-10T22:25:00.002-04:00

I had a really funny episode in belly dancing class today. I came in a few minutes late, and so I had to stand in a different part of the room than usual. Watching myself dance in the mirror, I kept thinking "wow, I am gaining weight". Then, when it was time to dance in a circle, I kept looking at my reflection. As I moved to the other side of the room, my reflection looked better. And then I danced my way back to the original side, and it looked bad again. I realized that the reflections were different. Here is where we get a typical Shaz moment...

I stop dancing. I point at the mirror. I shout out- "Hey, that is an EVIL FAT mirror! the reflection is different!" The music stops. The teacher looks at me. I explain that the mirror is giving a fat image. All the girls are laughing. They move to the mirror and back to the other mirror. They agree. The instructor is looking at me like I'm nuts.

Sorry, but I am a hyper self-conscious person. The last thing I need is to be standing in front of the fat mirror as I belly dance. I take a skinny girl and tell her to stand in front of the fat mirror while I take her spot. All the while, the instructor is speechless, and the girls are in stitches laughing.

It turned out funny. God I love my belly dancing class. The fun never ends. It's the one time where I can be myself, laugh at myself, and feel sexy, at least for one hour.

Even if there is a fat mirror in the room...

Working with the Ex

2009-06-03T21:48:00.002-04:00

I have to say, things feel like they have calmed down since the court case ended. Maybe it's because neither of us is working to build a case against the other. Maybe it's because we are both tired of all the fighting. Or maybe, it's the calm before yet another storm. Either way, it's a good thing for now and I'm not going to worry about it or over-think it beyond that.

Today I got a call from my son's school. It turns out he left his lunchbox on the kitchen counter. The school called me at 10:30am, saying that he didn't have a lunch. I was downtown, at work, an hour and a half away. So I called my ex. He packed a new lunch and took it to my son. No complaints. It felt good to work together.

Two weeks ago, my son was sick. The school called me at work. I called my ex. He went and picked up our son and took him home, and put him to bed. That was good also. The kids are both saying that their dad has been really great lately. My ex is giving me proof of attendance at a psychiatrist. Either way, I am grateful that he is doing better, that we are being more civil, and that the kids are doing better.

I don't know how long it will last, but I will just thank the universe for what I have been given, for as long as it lasts.

Loving the Bellydancing Classes

2009-06-03T21:40:00.003-04:00

Today was my 10th class. I am having the best time ever. Just remember....I am the girl with NO rhythm. I can't move my body if you paid me to. For me to take a class like this is totally insane...yet at the same time, I am learning. It's taking awhile, but I am definitely learning, and having so much fun.

I've decided to sign up for level 2. My instructor says most people usually need to take level 1 twice before moving to the next level, but she told me to go ahead and move to level 2. I am so excited. So basically, this will take me right to the end of August. What fun!

You know, if you have low self confidence, there is nothing that can make you feel more attractive than an exotic dance class. It helps that it's all girls (no fear of judgment), and that the windows are blocked off so people can't watch the class from the outside. That way, nobody can watch you make a fool of yourself.

I don't know that I would ever be confident enough to belly dance in front of anyone other than my class mates (like even my girlfriends), but at least I have one place where I can have fun without being self conscious.

I wish I had a belly dancing class every night...

Mom, do you love me?

2009-06-01T20:49:00.001-04:00

My daughter just passed me a note. It said "mom do you love me?" I said "yes honey, I love you very much". She smiled and passed me the other note from behind her back. It said "I love you too".

I smiled. And I said, you already knew my answer, but you still asked the question? To which she replied, "I know you love me. I love you too. I just like to hear it again".

I am blessed. Such a small moment but such a warm feeling.

Divorce Notes from the Oprah Winfrey Show

2009-05-28T21:36:00.002-04:00

I watched an old PVR'd episode of Oprah the other day. Some interesting points about children and divorce:

When you put down the other parent, you psychologically mess up your children because they feel disloyal to one parent for loving the other
When children aren't allowed to heal in therapy, girls become clinically depressed and little boys become enraged and grow up angry
We need to acknowledge that the kids are hurting and that it's very sad
Kids of divorced homes are feeling the impact even when you don't think they are feeling it
Children feel like the divorce is their fault. When there is arguing amongst parents after a divorce, it's usually over the kids, so the children are led to believe the hostility is all their fault
Never criticize the other parent because when you do, you are criticizing your child's DNA- the only exception is when the other parent has either abandoned them or is harming them. Then you have to tell them that it is wrong for a parent to emotionally abandon or physically abuse them. It is OK to tell them that sometimes people have problems in their minds and it limits some parents from giving kids the love they deserve. Reassure them that they are huggable enough and they are terrific, and they deserve to have two parents, but that right now, they have one really loving one and they will always have that.
Help the children write about how they feel and get it out and read the letter/journal entry as this will be therapeutic for them
When there is a lot of fighting between the parents, children don't express their feelings because they don't want to add to the fighting, and this builds up over time and turns into rage
The best thing you can do for your children is to tell them that you would like them to come to you with their problems, but if they cannot, identify two adults that they can go to that are empowered to make decisions to help them if anything major ever came up and these people are instructed to maintain their confidence (like substitute parents).

3 rules to follow when telling your children that you are getting a divorce:

Tell them together as a family about the divorce. This will be one of the moments they remember for the rest of their life, so make it as comforting as possible
You have about 45 seconds before a child's mind starts racing. Things to tell them:

Mom and dad made each other very sad, we feel it is best for the family that we spend time apart
You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us
This is absolutely not your fault, you did nothing to cause this

Practice what you will say, and then when you say it, sit back and listen to what they have to say, hold them, hug them, allow them to ask questions and allow them to tell you how their mind is racing and what they are thinking. Children will want to know why the divorce happened. You need to give them general things that they can learn- we said nasty things to each other, we didn't treat each other as nice as we should have etc.

This made me feel kind of sad. It's like we did everything wrong in this divorce. I could use the easy excuse and say that one parent was mentally unstable, but I would rather reflect and ask myself what I could have done better. I definitely could have broken the news to them better. I also could have criticized my ex less. I did that in the context of whenever he hurt the kids though, so it's a tough balance...

Sole Custody

2009-05-11T15:23:00.003-04:00

It's finally over. And I am so bloody exhausted. I could sleep for a year.

After 5 hrs to arguing, he consented to an order. He consented to the following:

I have sole custody of the children
He has access/visits with the children pending his attendance with a psychiatrist at a schedule set by the psychiatrist
If he doesn't go to the psychiatrist all his visits will be supervised by someone that we both agree to
I have the right to travel without his consent and to get passports/documents made for the children without his consent
I can move to NYC if I wish to do so.

I always thought that when/if this moment came I would be absolutely elated. Right now, I'm just downright exhausted.

I'm sure the joy will kick in later.

A big thank you to all my friends for your love and support. I don't think I would be standing if you weren't here by my side. I love you guys :)

Tomorrow is Court

2009-05-10T22:59:00.002-04:00

And it's weird. Tomorrow is such a significant point in time, that it's really overwhelming. See:

If he signs a consent, it means this is all over. It also means that if he consents to things willingly, there is SOME small sliver of a hope for some sort of a working relationship in the future. If he puts up a big fight and we go to trial, there will NEVER be hope for that. I mean, the writing is on the wall. A professional has told him he has "severe mental health issues". He has been told that his abusiveness is out in the open...abuse towards me and the children. And the assessor told his lawyer that he doesn't trust him alone with the children for long periods of time. If this goes to a full out trial, I WILL win, I know it, but it will just take more time, money, and hostility.
Part of me hopes that if he signs a consent willingly and accepts that he needs help, and goes to therapy, maybe there is a small chance that he can turn his life around and be a good father. I know it's a long shot, but that is the best outcome for everyone. For him, for the children, and for me. (I mean, geez- at a minimum, maybe he would be able to hold down a job and start paying child support!) But more seriously, I believe that if he wasn't mentally ill, he might have been a good man. And he's been horrible to me and the kids, but I attribute that to his mental illness...I know it's a long shot, but I believe there is a God, and so I have to believe that there is some form of mercy out there too.

It's weird. Tomorrow marks either the POTENTIAL reduction in hostility, or it represents an increase in hostility. I am hoping for the former. But from now on, I plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Keep your fingers crossed boys and girls....

Happy Mother's Day 2009

2009-05-10T21:04:00.003-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, especially the single moms...

When you are on your own, mothers day is what you make of it. Meaning, when you have a partner in your life, they make Mother's Day special. They take the kids out, buy you something, help them make breakfast for you, and pamper you. When you are on your own, it is up to you to do something special for Mother's Day, or nothing happens.

So today, I took the kids to buy flowers and chocolates for my mom. Then we took flowers to my sis in law, who is also a new mom. We had dinner at her place and came home. One day, hopefully my kids will learn from my example and remember to give me a break on Mother's Day.

Last year, Mr. NYC was involved in Mother's Day and he was sweet. This year, things are different, and so, Mother's Day had a slightly different focus. It didn't help that today is the day before court...because my mind is elsewhere.

Either way, maybe it's fitting that it's Mother's Day the day before my court date. It gives me a reminder of what I am fighting for. The past few days have not been good ones for me, but one thing that I do know is that I'm glad to have the children in my life.

Step Out of Your Past

2009-05-09T12:24:00.002-04:00

I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show and she says that the greatest courage of all is to be able to step out of your past, out of your history and to find the ability to move forward.

My question is, how do you move forward and step out of your past when your past hasn't had closure yet? It's been 5 years, and there has still not been closure. And what if closure never comes, does that mean you never get to move forward?

I'm hoping Monday will bring closure. It's time to move forward.

5 Days to Pre-Trial

2009-05-06T21:50:00.002-04:00

And I feel like I am emotionally unraveling. And I don't understand why. I've been to court a million times. I know how my ex can be. I kind of know what to expect. I just don't know why I can't seem to keep it together.

I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I can't keep my composure. Not at home, not at work, not driving in my car. I just don't understand it.

Fortunately, I spoke to my boss today. I told him I am fine working, just very unusually emotional. He recommended I work from home for a couple of days so that I can give myself a bit of head space. Truthfully, I think that is the best thing for me. To stay away from anyone and everyone until I can sort myself out. For now, I feel like a stranger to everyone. Like nobody understands me anymore. Like I stand alone.

I haven't slept in days. I had one good day- Sat afternoon with friends. It took my mind off things, but only temporarily.

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth it. We go through so much, and what if this is all a big joke in the end? What if all this effort is for nothing? What if things never get better?

I'm chunking off my goals. Today's goal was to get to the end of the day. It's 10pm. Mission accomplished.

I just need to make it through each day, one day at a time.

8 Days to Pre-Trial

2009-05-03T22:17:00.003-04:00

Our last Pre-trial date is May 11th. If we can settle matters between us before then, we avoid a full out trial and probably about $20k each. I have been trying patiently to get my ex to see that it doesn't make sense to go to trial. He has NO CHANCE of winning. In fact, chances are he will end up with alot less than what I have offered him. But see, a good friend pointed out recently that half the issue is that whenever we come to some agreements, he raises totally new matters and we end up having to deal with those.

Today I met my ex for an hour. We wanted to see if we could come to some agreements. We managed to agree on some basic matters, but had a few showstoppers. Sigh. I told him to think about things. Really and truly, if he makes this diffilcult and we go to trial, I will NEVER try to work with him on anything ever again. If he works with me this time through, there just might be a sliver of hope that the working relationship won't be between us hellish forever.

Why do I keep hoping when history has taught me not to? Because I am human. Because without hope, the only other avenue turns into despair. And so, I would rather keep hoping.

It doesn't mean I won't be smart about things, but it does mean that I'm just trusting that there has been enough darkness and that" light" has to be around the corner. It just has to. Otherwise, why even bother?

I've been teetering between that hope/despair place for 3 weeks now on several matters. It's not a good seat to be in. Not at all. And lately, in my head, "hope" has been losing. I'm tired, worn out, financially broke, and emotionally fed up.

This is my last time giving "hope" a chance. I believe there is a God. And I believe he is fair. So somewhere up there, he must know that I have had enough. With everything. Enough with the ongoing tests of faith. Enough with the tough times. Enough with the brick walls. There has to be some balance. And so I throw in a prayer and give "hope" a last chance.

So here is to hoping. Let's see where this road takes me. I dread the thought of who and what I will become if I hit yet another brick wall.

Catching up with Friends

2009-05-02T22:33:00.003-04:00

I got an opportunity to spend time with some old friends today. It was nice. Nice to get a break. Nice to forget some recent stressors, even if just for a couple of hours.

There are a few things on my mind these days, most of which I don't really care to get into. One of these things is the upcoming court date on May 11th. My ex is giving me a hard time (again). I'm really disappointed this time, as I hoped that things would finally be winding down, but it looks like I was wrong. I may have to fully prepare for a lifetime of permanent crap where he is concerned....sigh. It looks like we may go to trial after all. What a total complete waste.

On another note, I watched this video today. Disturbing, but a good reminder of the fact that I am better off today than I ever was before, no matter what challenges come my way. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, he doesn't pay child support. Yes, he makes life miserable. But I am still free, I am safe, and my life is still very much my own. As stressful as things have been, I need to keep this top of mind.

Need a Hug?

2009-05-01T22:59:00.001-04:00

I had one of those days....when you really really just need a hug.

Sadly, it was one of those days when there was nobody around TO hug.

Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day.

The Rearview Mirror

2009-04-19T18:16:00.002-04:00

Do you ever find that you are continually looking through the rear view mirror while driving forward in life?

It may be human nature to keep looking back, but the only problem with it is that you live in the past. And you have no present. And you lose a lot of direction for the future.

I might be one of those people. I've spent an enormous amount of time focusing on the crap that life dealt me. A friend recently said to me "Your past is a constant excuse that you use. It's like your "out". Shaz...your divorce is 5 years old. You cannot keep focusing on it, nor can you keep focusing on the things your ex did to you. It's time to move forward"....

5 years. I cannot believe it. He's right. 5 years have passed (well, it will be 5 years on June 9). And I am still focused on what I went through. It almost consumes my thinking at times. And really and truly, as nutty as my ex is, things are a million fold better now than 5 years ago.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot.

No Daycare...

2009-04-13T11:33:00.002-04:00

So I am working from home today. The daycare is closed, school is closed, and I have nobody to watch my children. It was supposed to be my ex husband's day today, but we all know how that panned out.

Thank God I work in a flexible work place. Otherwise, I would be stuck big time.

The kids are doing well. I'm letting them watch some TV so I can get some work done. I also have arts and crafts supplies out so they can amuse themselves. I know, I should be playing WITH them, but I am working from home, and I have work to do. So they have to entertain themselves.

I'm trying to reach my lawyer also and she seems swamped. Where is a good lawyer when you need her?

My ex sent me a nasty email last night something along the lines of me being an extortionist. So let me get this straight....I let you off the hook provided we can manage things peacefully and put checks and balances into the court order to protect the kids, avoiding you getting charged and THAT makes ME an extortionist? Seriously?

The world is a messed up place.

Man...I need to talk to my lawyer....

Science Centre with the Children

2009-04-12T21:16:00.002-04:00

I took the children to the Science Centre today. I figured we could all use some down time. I personally needed to get my mind off things and I needed the kids to just have fun. Mission accomplished. I would say they had a good day. Seeing them smile was all that I needed to feel good.

And, while I was at the Science Center, I got a call from a friend. During our conversation, he told me that I am an "awesome mom". I don't know if I believe that, but I have to say that it felt good to hear it today. He doesn't even know what has transpired over the past few days, as he is traveling and I didn't want to ruin his trip. Still, just hearing it was very reassuring. Especially now, given this weekend's events.

Tonight's goal, now that the children are in bed, is to draft the letters to my lawyer outlining this weekend's events and next steps for court.

SIGH.

Taking Matters into my Own Hands

2009-04-11T22:33:00.002-04:00

I had a lot to think about over the past few days. This was really and truly a tough one for me. The children wanted to protect their dad as much as possible. I wanted to protect the children. On the one hand, there is the side to me that says that the best protection for the children is to keep their dad away from them. On the other hand, I know full well that they love their father, and while keeping him away would physically protect them, it would emotionally hurt them. So my only solution is to find an option that helps facilitate a healthy and safe relationship between the children and their father. Ironic that I am the one working so hard to achieve this.

Along these lines, if I press charges against my ex for his recent conduct, two things would happen.

I would potentially lose the children's trust because they asked me not to
He would get charged

Now at a surface level, it looks great for me, and for my court case if he gets charged. But on another level, if he gets charged, it will impact his ability to find employment. Which will impact the conditions he lives in when the children are with him. Which impacts his mental health/state of mind. Which directly impacts my children's well being.

Another thing is that the last time I called the CAS, they did nothing. The police let him off with a warning. The CAS refused to even go to court for me. They gave him 6 months of supervised access and them let him off scott free. They achieved nothing at all. So it's really a tough call. And if I don't call them, I look negligent. But I need to protect my children.

So I took matters into my own hands. And I handled it my own way. Here is what I did:

I photographed the bruises
I called a close friend and had him come to see the children. He inspected the bruises and spoke to my children and heard their stories first hand. He will email me to document the incident and if ever the need comes up, I can ask him to sign an affidavit.
I spoke to my ex and got him to send me a written confession of what he did. I told him that I did not intend to use it to press charges, but I did intend to use it for court IN THE EVENT that he denied any wrong doing or tried to position himself as a "changed man". So if we go to court, he either has to agree to a treatment plan, or I get to tell the court that he hurt the children yet again, and let the court decide. His written confession is my proof that he admits the events did occur.
I told my ex he is not to see the children until further notice. Meaning, he has to commence seeing a psychiatrist and I want reports that he is in weekly therapy/or under medication. Once I get reports, his access can resume
He is to take anger management and parenting courses.
He is to agree to the assessor's recommendations at our May court date. Meaning, he has to consent to my getting full custody, to his need for a psychiatric treatment plan as a condition to his access to the children and he has to agree that I have the right to revoke his access should his conduct be detrimental to the children. And, the court order will be police enforceable.

He agreed to my terms. Really, he didn't have a choice. If he decided to go against them, I would have called the police.

So, I think in my opinion, I got as much out of it as I would have if the CAS were involved. In fact, possibly more, because they have been most unhelpful in the past.

And I avoid a trial. Which means May 16th may really and truly be the end of all this.

And really, he is better off this way too, as he won't get charged. But he has to bend and accept me as the full custodial parent.

Overall, I think the children will win. Their father will be forced into a treatment plan which is good for them. I will have the authority to protect them as I see fit. (Also good for them). They have a chance for a healthy relationship with their dad. Also good for them.

I'm hoping the kids are best off this way.

Some of you will judge me for not calling the police. But what would I achieve? I would win the court case by a landslide, but my ex would be mentally worse than ever. And that wouldn't be good for the kids.

Walk a day in my shoes everyone. Then and only then will you understand my predicament. I just hope I made the right decision. I will call my lawyer on Monday and see what she says about all this.

But either way, I have a clear conscience. I have been really and truly trying to act in the best interests of my children. I made some tough decisions. From my own perspective, after everything he did to me, I would have loved nothing more than to have him charged. After all, I should have had him charged 15 years ago. But that would be me acting for myself. I really believe that the children are better off this way, and that's why tonight I will sleep well. My conscience is clear.

The Cycle Continues...

2009-04-09T22:49:00.002-04:00

Ironic that just yesterday I was writing about abusive men, and now this...

Today I went to pick up my kids from the daycare and I noticed a bruise on my son's cheek. I froze. This totally felt like deja vu. I asked him what happened to his face. He said that he fell off his bike and banged into a pole. I said that it was an interesting story but that a pole doesn't leave a mark like that. The mark after all, looks like finger marks.

I'm sorry guys. You know my history. I was an abused wife. You can't pull that "I banged into something" crap with me. I used those lines for 11 years. I know them inside out and I can smell a rat a mile away.

So I ask my son if he would like to tell me the truth. No comment. So I ask if anyone hurt him. He whispers "My dad. But he told me not to tell you. He said you would call the police and I would never see him again. He said you would make us go back to the Children's Aid Centres and we hate that place. We want to give him one more chance. He said he was really sorry".

So this is a lovely predicament.

Do I:

Bust the man's sorry ass by calling the CAS and having yet another social worker and yet another policeman come to see my children? Doing so will mean that the children won't get to see their dad for some time, will blame me for it, and will likely not trust me with information the next time they need to turn to someone. I know I am the parent and I have to look out for them, but I also need to build their trust. I don't want him to get away with this, and at the same time I know this is his pattern. He needs to be stopped or he will keep doing this.
Document the issue via email to my ex, email to my lawyer, but not call the police? If I do this, he gets away with it, which is totally unacceptable, but the children trust me the next time they have to confide in someone. And what if (God forbid) the next time it is something bigger/worse?
Call a doctor (I tried, but they are closed for the long weekend). Note that a doctor/walk in would call the CAS, so if I go this route I might as well just call the CAS myself. Mind you, if I wait until Monday, the bruise will be gone, so whatever I do will have to be done tomorrow.

My head is spinning right now. I am totally enraged at what has happened. I'm leaning towards calling the Children's Aid Society in the morning, and dealing with the children's backlash (anger towards me) afterwards. In the meantime, my ex called me. I took the call and told him off. I basically told him that:

He will not be seeing the children this weekend
His conduct is unacceptable. I left our marriage to protect the children and I fully intend to continue doing so.
I told him that I have no choice left but to call the authorities in the morning.

He of course said he was sorry, don't call the police, we can work this out, blah blah blah.

I told him I need to think. But in the meantime, if he wants me NOT to call the police, he can send me an email documenting what he did to our son and what steps he intends on taking to make sure it doesn't happen again. That way, at least I have it in writing, should I need it in court.

He was quiet. I told him either he sends me the email or I call the police and he has until morning to decide.

Honestly, we go to court again May 16. I really don't need this crap in my life. I thought things were just starting to take a turn for the better. Unfortunately, it looks like this is the reality of my life.

Damn the stupid courts for doing nothing. And the stupid CAS has done nothing in the past (which is why I hesitate to call them and expose my children to their useless bullshit that goes nowhere and does nothing but add grief to their lives). And the police have not helped. After all, they are the ones who did not press charges last time. So he got off the hook, my kids went through hell for nothing, and my ex walked.

If I call them again, will they just do the same? Will it be unnecessary grief for nothing again?

Everyone sucks. The system sucks. I'm so frustrated right now.

Interviewing Abusive Men

2009-04-08T22:02:00.002-04:00

I watched another Oprah episode tonight. OK I PVR Oprah so I watch them later on, which is why sometimes my blog posts are not aligned with the show of the day...

Anyhow in this show, she interviews abusive men. I actually feel physically ill just watching this. The guys on this show are totally disgusting, and they talk just like my ex husband. I'm hearing things like:

I feel bad when I hit her, but I lose control. I just black out (ya right, black out from what? Your assholeness??)
I get tunnel vision when I get mad and I just lose control
I feel the need to get in control and the easiest way is to take control of my wife

I mean come on, these people are in serious need of therapy. And one girl on this show is still with her husband. She says if he hits her again, she will leave. I mean, this girl is ME. She has been in the relationship for years, and for some reason, she is riding the "one more chance" wave. I say no more chances. He won't change. Leave while you can. Keep a packed duffel bag in your closet with a change of clothes, a credit card, some cash, some toiletries. I did that. It was that duffle bag that saved me when I finally left. Think about it. When the day comes when you do leave, you likely won't have the time to pack your things. So if you're in an abusive relationship and you are planning to leave, keep a packed bag ready and waiting. I even kept cash in my desk drawer at the office in case I needed it.

Anyhow, there was another point that got to me. All of these men had witnessed abuse in their lifetime. Some experienced child abuse, most witnessed their mothers being abused.

So what about my children? They experienced abuse. My 3 year old son once witnessed his father hurting me. Will he grow up to be an abuser too? What does it take to break the cycle of abuse? Will a mother leaving a bad marriage and teaching you that abuse is unacceptable be enough to break the cycle? Did I do enough to break the cycle for my children, or will they still need help?

It's a tough call. I mean, they seem well balanced, and they are very well aware that our marriage ended because of "how their dad is". I never told them he was abusive, but they know how he was with them, and they know he had to have done something very bad to me for me to leave. And when they get older and ask, I may just answer. But is that enough to stop the cycle? To have one parent who is adamantly against any form of violence? I certainly hope so. Otherwise, I won't have accomplished everything I was hoping to accomplish when I left. Yes we are physically safe, but I need the children to be emotionally safe, as children, and as adults.

SIGH. The things that keep me up at night...

Friends with the Caretaker

2009-04-06T21:24:00.002-04:00

Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity to get to know my children's school staff very well. Over the most recent 2 years, that also includes Violet, the school caretaker/janitor (I don't know what the politically correct term is, but you know who I am talking about). Recall that my son has ADHD. What that means is that on occasion, especially when he is not on medication (like at this time), he will forget things at school. Homework, textbooks, gloves, shoes, the works. In the case of homework, I get the joy of making late evening trips back to the school, getting the custodian to open the classroom door and sifting through my son's desk until we find the missing work. Sigh. The oh-so-many-joys of parenting.

Tonight, at 7:30, I went to the school and went through the routine. We went through my son's disaster of a desk, in which I found his last assignment. The one I took 4 hrs to do with him. And also the one (so he tells me tonight) that he couldn't find, forgot to hand in, and consequently got a zero on. Double sigh. Oh the joys of raising a child with ADHD.

So I leave the assignment on the desk and come home and email the teacher. Hopefully he will see the assignment and give him partial marks? I am so tired sometimes of doing all this work, packing backpacks only to have the child lose the assignment IN HIS DESK. Come ON!

Anyhow, the homework is now done, the email has been sent, and life is normal again. My son has lost some privileges, which I feel bad doing because of the attention deficit, but I feel I have to do or he will use it as his excuse for life. He may have ADHD, but that is an explanation, not an excuse. It means that he needs to work harder than other children at being organized. It means he needs a stricter routine, and yes, it may mean the medication is the solution. It means when he is off his meds, his desk will likely end up in disarray, but it also means that he needs to strengthen the skills so he can do a better job of keeping on top of it.

I will go back to the pediatrician in June and see what the next steps are with respect to medication. But in the meantime, he has to do better with organizational skills. We can't let everything keep sliding.

Anyhow, thank God for the caretaker. She just smiled and said "Little boys. Some need reminders to stay focused, and others don't. But all little boys are good kids". She reminded me that it happened a lot less this year than last year, and that he is a nice boy with a good disposition.

Silver Lining. Thank you Violet. For your patience, and understanding.

Something for me...

2009-04-03T15:49:00.002-04:00

I think it's been years since I've done something for me. It's funny...as a single mom you get so caught up in doing the work, that you never have time for yourself. A friend recently asked "so what are your hobbies?". Truthfully, I felt kind of sad. I mean, I don't have the time for hobbies. I try to go to the gym 3x a week (OK, I end up going 2x cuz I don't have the time). But I don't LOVE it. I go because I kind of have to.

I enjoy spending time with friends, but I don't call that a hobby. I enjoy shopping, but that's not a hobby either. And I watch Oprah. That's my life. That and of course the children. I'm not saying I'm a bore. I mean I've dated, I have great friends, but I don't have a hobby.

So this week, I signed up for a (don't laugh) belly dancing course. It's something that I've wanted to take for years. Really. Like 10 years, but never had the guts to do it.

And I loved it. I suck at it, but I loved it. What fun. I should have done something like this a long time ago. I'm probably the only girl in the class with zero rhythm, but it is loads of fun. Nothing like 20 girls in a class laughing their butts off while, well, shaking them too :)

I've decided that when this is over, I'm taking another class. Maybe belly dancing. Maybe something else.

Hooray for hobbies :)

Oprah's Show on Domestic Violence

2009-03-29T12:18:00.005-04:00

If you go back to a man that hits you, it is because you don't think you are worthy of being with a man who won't. If you are raised to really love yourself and think you are a wonderful person, somebody hitting you is really offensive to you.

-Oprah Winfrey

It was an interesting show. She talked about some of the key signs to look for:

Guys who are nicer to you in public than when you are in private (the world thinks he is great, but you know he is not)
When you get paranoid that he will love someone else
When you are blamed for all his problems
When he has a super nice side and a super dark side (they are never 100% bad 100% of the time)
If your partner vets who you can hang out with and who you can spend time with
Threats "if you REALLY loved me you would have done xyz"
Making you feel guilty for everything
Insisting on sex all of the time
Reading your text messages

But you know, all these signs aren't always there. I think the key is that something has to feel wrong. If you know you can't talk about it with your family/friends, it's wrong.

And you know, the bigger issue is that there is so much judgment around domestic violence, even towards the one being abused. The abuser is seen as a jerk. So if you are hoping that you will work things out, you won't tell others because he will be tainted for life. The one being abused is seen as pathetic, with no self respect.

All around, it's a rough spot to be in. In my opinion, you need to be confident about a few things when you leave:

He won't get better on his own
He will hit you again
This is unacceptable to you
Your safety comes first, not matter what it costs.

When a woman realizes these things, she will be better prepared to face the battle when she leaves. And yes, it is always a battle...

On Second Marriages

2009-03-25T21:42:00.002-04:00

Second marriages, or even long term committed relationships after a divorce are really tricky. As a person, you are scarred, and somewhat (or in my case, majorly) jaded from your first experience. Trust does not come easily and love, well, real love is difficult because your guard is permanently up. The second time through, you are so fixated on getting your order right, that you may not see what is happening around you. And sometimes, when the order arrives, you realize that you didn't have it right, and you start to wonder if you even know what you want to order.

In my community, when I got divorced just 5 years ago, I was one of a rare breed. I didn't know many other divorced desi women, and certainly not any with children. I had to face the judgement of a community, the pity, and the disgrace upon my family. And at that time, sadly, I still felt that having a husband next to me would define my success. So I started my search for a long term relationship, met a wonderful man, and thought "see, I am worth something, even if I am divorced".

But here is what has changed. In 5 years, I have grown independent in some ways. I am stronger in many ways, and emotionally dependent in others. And the judgement? Well, it's no longer there. I am no longer one of a rare breed. As (quite sadly) marriages crumble around me, I am finding one thing that works to my benefit. I am no longer "that divorced girl with the children". I am me, a part of a larger, growing group of women, and surprisingly, I am now respected. Respected because the community knows I am a good mother. Respected because I am not freeloading off anyone. Respected for being independent. And yes, respected and appreciated by my children.

I no longer need the man crutch in order to face society.

That brings another question. What do I really want?

I want a meaningful relationship that is about us. I want one that allows me to keep myself, to be the independent woman I have grown to love, while nurturing the emotionally needy side of me too.

I want someone who understands me. But I am not willing to gamble my life again. I had one new beginning. I will not risk this one to start a new one. Marriages are hard enough. In fact, they are work. Lots of work. And they are risky. Very risky. In a world where the divorce rate is 50% for a first marriage and even higher for a second marriage, second marriages are a very risky venture indeed.

So when do you know when to gamble, and when to cut your losses? It all depends on your risk tolerance. And here is what I know about myself. I am risk averse. I am not willing to gamble on something that is not a sure thing, or something that adds risk to my already delicately balanced life.

So whatever I do, wherever I go, it needs to fit into the new me. The me that is independent. The me that likes her alone time and loves her hang-out-with-good-friends time. The me that likes to keep some of her finances separate. The me that doesn't want to be questioned when disciplining the children.

The me that I am growing to love.

Even when I make mistakes, or bad choices in life, I know I will be stronger because of them in the end.

March Break in NYC

2009-03-23T21:13:00.002-04:00

I took the kids to NYC for March break. They had a nice time. I on the other hand, came back very tired. But that's another story.

One thing that was most noticeable to me was how quiet Manhattan has become. It's a ghost town. Seriously. I was on Wall Street near the AIG building at 3pm on a workday and I was the only person on that street for like a block. I mean, we are talking WALL STREET. I think we as Canadians haven't fully grasped just how lucky we are not to be hit that hard. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

Anyhow, I ended up doing a lot of touristy things, because it was the first time my kids were there. They had fun, and I guess that is what really matters. I had other emotional matters to deal with, and I'm getting there. Like I said, that is another day's post.

I have never been happier to be back at work than I was today. I'm SO GLAD to be home again. I love my bed, my job, my home, and you know what? My life is not nearly as bad as I sometimes allow myself to believe. Yes my ex is a dumbass. But things are slowly getting better. Each month is better than the last, and it's probably the first time in years that I can say that.

So for now, I'm just going to count my blessings and learn to be content.

The Sharing Club

2009-03-09T22:33:00.002-04:00

My daughter came home today with a story about what a horrible day she had at school. On Friday, she was telling me about the "sharing club" her desk-mates started in school. They got out some pencil cases and pooled all their school supplies together. I thought it was kind of cute. Today, she came home and told me she had a rough day, that the kids decided to end the sharing club. She then went on to tell me about how mean they all were and how they were talking about having a party and not inviting her, basically isolating her from the group. My first instinct was to agree- those kids are mean! I felt offended that someone could be so cruel to MY daughter. And then I decided to listen more. Ask more questions.

So why were they all mean to YOU? What happened?
They all ganged up and acted mean for no reason at all. I think they are just mean bullies. I never want to go to school again!

Why did they end the sharing club? Was it one person who ended it? Why didn't the other 3 of you just keep it going?
They all ended it for no good reason.

How did this all start? Let's try this in steps. What was step one? Was everyone working?
Yes. And I was just trying to do my work.

What do you mean "trying to do my work", did you not want to play with them today or something?
No I was the last one finishing my school work and they were talking. That was step one. So I got mad and told them to be quiet while I finished and I made a mad face. That was step two. Then they got mad at me and ended the sharing club and told me they didn't want me to play with them ever again. That was step three.

Right. Now I get it...the story starts off with her as the innocent one, but maybe there was some room for improvement on her side!

So why did you get mad at them? Could you really not focus, or were you feeling left out that they were done first?
It's not fair that they get to have fun while I have to finish my work.

So, do you think you were feeling a little left out or jealous maybe?
Left out, but not jealous.

Hmm. That must have been difficult for you. Is there anything that could have been done differently to make it all better?
They could have not ended the sharing club.

That's true. I have to agree with you there. But why do you think they did that?
They were mad at me for getting mad at them.

How do you feel?
Mad and sad.

Hmmm. I'm sorry honey. I wish I could help. Is there anything we can do to fix things?
I could try saying sorry (OK guys- when she said this, I was thinking WHHHAAT? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING MAD AT THEM???)

That might help. Good idea Mary! That just might do it. And, is there anything else we can try next time, maybe to avoid this from happening again?
Like what mommy?

I don't know, maybe next time you need to concentrate you can try to say "Is it OK if I please have one minute to focus and finish on my work?"
Yeah, if I did that they might not have ended the sharing club.

True. Might be worth a try if you ever need to focus next time. Good thinking Mary! And hooray! You have a solution for tomorrow!
Yes...I'm going to apologize. Thanks mom. Do you think they will put the sharing club back?

I don't know honey, but I do think it is worth a try...

Learnings for today:

When your kids tell you a story, listen really carefully.
When your child tells you about how they were wronged, make sure that they didn't miss something that they did to contribute to the situation.
Don't be quick to assume that the other kids are the ones being unfair to your child.
Let your child feel like he/she is solving her own problems.
Let your child own the problem
Coach your child around how to fix the problem.

Now if only I could do for my life what I teach my daughter to do for hers. I need to take my sharing club problems to someone!

So Far, Not Going to Court is Not Working...

2009-03-05T18:22:00.002-05:00

I've been nice. I've tried to avoid court. I've tried working with my ex to save money. I've spent tens of thousands on legal fees already. But it just doesn't seem to end.

We had a mediation session to see if we could try to settle out of court before going to trial. Our lawyers were both there. We were there. The assessor was the mediator. The basis of discussion was using his report and recommendations as a starting point. And it went pretty much as could be predicted.

My ex started off by saying that he would like to dispute both main decisions. IE- That I should not get full custody and that I should not be allowed to go to NYC. Thank God for the assessor. He interrupted and told my ex that we should all leave and just go to court, that he would not compromise his report and that his suggestions were a starting point for discussion, meaning small negotiations, but not up for debate.

Then my ex made the following demands:

If I go to NYC, he would get even more time in the summer with the children. Meaning 6 weeks instead of 4 weeks. I complied.
If I go to NYC, he wants the right to come 2x each month to visit the kids. I hesitated, and then agreed to it, mostly because I felt that if he was willing to go out of his way to see the kids, and since they are his kids, I shouldn't stop him.
Then he wanted ME to pay for his trips to NYC. My answer- no bloody way. I mean, I have visions of the jerk billing me for first class airline tickets or something. I don't bloody think so.
Then he requested NOT TO PAY child support. This was insane. Then my lawyer pointed out that he doesn't pay child support today. She pointed out that it sounds like I'm giving up alot, but am I really? She pointed out that he hasn't paid support for a year. He is for all purposes, a deadbeat dad. He keeps getting fired from one job to the next, and pays $800 a month for a car but can't find support money for his kids. And because he is a contract worker, his salaries are not easy to garnish. I had a really hard time with this. And then in the interest of not going to court, I hesitantly agreed to consider it.

And then to my surprise, he said he wanted time to think about it.

When I spoke to Mr. NYC that night, he was shocked. He could not believe that a dad would actually not want to pay support. And here is how great Mr. NYC has been- he said "Shaz, I have NO PROBLEM supporting your children. I promise to treat them as my own. If this is the route you want to go (meaning not taking child support), I'm here. I will support you 100%, no matter what you decide". My heart melted.

Then the next day, my ex called me. He says "IF you want me to settle out of court, then you have to SWEETEN THE DEAL for me more, FINANCIALLY. Meaning, I want more money from you". What? Are you fng serious? I just let you get away with no child support you good for nothing worthless son of a bitch. And now this? Seriously, some men should be forced to be castrated. They shouldn't be allowed to father kids, because they have NO CONCEPT of responsibility.

I took a deep breath and told him that he could take his request and shove it up his ass. I will see him in trial. And by the way, there isn't a court in the country that will let him get away without paying child support. He had the best deal on the planet and he got greedy. So GO TO HELL. I am NOT AFRAID and I will see your sorry ass in court. His answer "Oh, so you're going to take a gamble and assume that the courts will let you move to be with your beloved NYC guy?"

Hell ya. Lemme think about this. You beat the kids, you don't pay child support, you're documented as mentally ill, off your meds, and you stalk me. Oh ya and a seasoned professional recommends to the courts that I get to go as it would be IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN. I would say I have a pretty good chance of getting to where I want to go. See you in court buddy.

NO MORE MERCY.

I am so beyond disgusted.

Male/Female Relationships

2009-03-04T21:56:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of male friends, and so I've had the luxury of observing men for a long time. I've learned a few things that are almost always true of just about every guy I have ever known.

Men are always drawn to the most beautiful girl in the room. They might say "looks are not important, personality matters more", but at the end of the day, the sexier the girl, the more they are drawn to her. It's harsh, but it's true, because men are superficial for the most part.
You will have to give up your guy friends one day- Guys will get really excited when they start dating, and they will lose sight of the world around them. Trust me on this, I've known a lot of men, and over time, this has always been the case. When they need you, you're their best friend. But best friends are replaceable so easily, especially when there is another girl in the picture. Single men make awesome friends. The best ever. But guys in relationships are not the best of friends, unless their current relationship is a well established one, like it's been around for years. With single male friends, you ultimately have be prepared to step aside for a few years when they meet someone. And then, one day, when (or if) they need you again, they will come back to you and tell you how much they missed you, what a great girl you are, and how you their best friend ever. So, the problem with male friends is that their friendships are not the ones that can last a lifetime. No girlfriend will share her guy and no female friend will ever be worth holding on to. So you have to be fully prepared to give them up one day. A male can very seldomly be a female's lifelong friend. Men can be friends with females for periods of time, but that's pretty much it.
The girls they marry are often different than the ones they date. Now I don't know why this is true, but it is 100% true. It's like they can date a girl for a pretty face, or to fool around, or as an arm trophy, but when they marry, it's a different kind of girl. As a woman, you have to ask yourself which girl you are, and which girl you want to be. No judgments, because marriage etc is not for everyone. In my experience, the way your male friends treat you will tell you which girl you are. If they think you are a flirt, you will find out. If they think of you as respectable, you will find that out too. Just observe their behavior. It's very telling, and a good learning.

Really, my experience in life, and I'm coming to a real turning point I think, is that men and women cannot really be close friends. See, something always goes wrong. Either her presence around too many men will scare off potential dates, or feelings will develop between her and one of her male friends, or she will be seen by the world as one big gigantic boy toy and the world will fail to take her seriously.

So the problem is, what happens if you're one of those girls who just doesn't fare all that well with female friends? Females are, by nature, very catty, manipulative, competitive and often times they are not sincere. Now I'm not saying ALL women are like this, but I have seen many in my day. I personally, have been one of those girls who fared better with male friends than female friends. I do have a handful of the best female friends that this world has to offer, but I also have double that number in male friends.

My personal issue is that my male friends either scare away the guys who would otherwise be interested in me, or their presence sometimes makes the world think I'm just a flirt, or they meet someone, get self absorbed, and I kicked to the side. While I should see this coming, historically, I have not, and so I get a shock each and every time it happens. DUH! The mature thing to do is to accept this as part of life. After all, nobody has twisted my arm into keeping these friends. These were my choices, and so the consequences are mine to bear.

So how does a girl reconcile these issues? One thought I had recently was gay men. I have a few gay friends. Those relationships are deliciously between female friends and male friends. You get the shopping buddy you get in a girl, the compliments you get with a guy and no competition, no cattiness, etc. A nice balance indeed. And here's the good news- they will never hit on you. It's a 100% safe relationship!

I'll stop my rant. This new year has been a massive year of change for me, especially where friends are concerned. I learned some "truths" about many friends I was not expecting to learn, but for the most part, I think the learning has been good for me. I've learned about 5 sets of friends and the lessons have, for the most part, been good for me.

My horoscope said that this was going to be my year of personal learning, and self development. I would say my horoscope for the year was right.

The Doormat

2009-03-02T20:51:00.002-05:00

Doormats are one of the many things we take for granted. Think about it. Doormats are relatively cheap, and they are easily replaceable. They serve a good function. We wipe our feet on them before we enter our homes so that we don't bring dirt into our living space. And over time, one use after the next, the doormat wears down until eventually it starts to fray and then falls apart. Then we go out and buy a new doormat, without even a second thought.

And then, there are people that are very much like doormats. Actually, they allow themselves to become doormats. I think I am one of those people. I am dependable. I am always there for my friends. I am often taken for granted. People often feel they can mistreat me, knowing full well that I will be OK eventually, because I will forgive their indiscretions and move on. They feel it's OK to ask me to take care of them, to give them an ear, to do things for them, to build resumes for them, to cook for them, to care for them, to drive them around, to listen to their whining until obscene hours of the night. And then, despite all that, they feel it's OK for me to be kicked aside according to their schedules, expecting to be able to welcome me back according to their schedules. Because Shaz is cool. Shaz is dependable. Shaz is, after all, the ultimate doormat.

But it doesn't work that way. It shouldn't work that way. I am tired of being a doormat.

You see, abuse comes in many forms. It's not just being punched in the face and thrown down a flight of stairs. That is the obvious abuse. But abuse can be emotional too. It can be as simple as being mistreated emotionally, or as big as being mistreated physically. But here is the thing. We take physical abuse seriously, and minimize emotional abuse. Here is what we don't think of. The average bruise takes 6 days to heal (trust me, I know what I am talking about). How long does an emotional bruise take to heal? Trust me - it can be weeks, months, years.

Emotional abuse is harder.

So who do we blame? Ultimately, we should blame the one who is abused.

There is one thing that can stop abuse. And it's not selfishness. It's self respect.

A selfish person is the one who will put themselves above everyone else. They are the ones who profit by treating others as doormats. None of us should aim to be selfish. On the other hand, a person who has self respect will care for others in the way they would wish to be treated, but they will not allow themselves to be anyone's doormat.

So, if you find yourself being the doormat, the missing link in the equation is self respect. Self respect will allow you to walk from disrespectful relationships. Whether it is family, friends, lovers, whatever. And not only will you walk, but you will walk without feeling hurt, because you will know you did it for the right reasons. The truth is that if you have enough self respect, you will know how you wish to be treated and you will not allow yourself to be mistreated. Nor will you pathetically run back to those who mistreat you.

In my experience, this does not mean that we don't forgive. But it does mean that we don't forgive the same mistakes over and over again. And especially not if those mistakes come from the same person.

So, along the theme of great learnings around friendships, I am adding the self respect goal to my goals for this year.

No more being the doormat. This will be a damned good year for my personal growth. Let's see what I evolve into by the end of the year...

Time...

2009-02-26T21:12:00.002-05:00

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

I find life interesting. We go through phases in life. Some are better than others. But no matter how you try to re-create something from your past, you cannot do it. When a chapter in your life ends and a new one begins, that is both and ending and beginning, but never a repeat.

And you can never re-create the past. You can have the same players in a situation, the same context, but never the same ending.

So enjoy each moment as you live it, learn from the lessons you are given, and cherish the happiness while you have it.

Life is about the journey, not about the end result.

A Weekend on my Own

2009-02-21T12:00:00.002-05:00

The kids are gone to their dads. It turns out they will be there for the next 4 weekends. I had to give my ex two of my weekends in exchange for his March break time with the kids.

So here I sit...

I had good intentions. I felt like going to the gym. But I didn't sleep well last night...went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 8am, so the gym is out of the question.

I feel too tired to get up and make breakfast. I think I'm in a lazy mood. I had other good intentions like cleaning the house, doing my paperwork, but I don't feel up to that either.

Thankfully, my sister will be coming by today, so I will have some company. Maybe I will gather up enough energy to make it to Starbucks for a latte to wake me up. A good friend mentioned Red Bull the other day. I've never had one, but if there was a time to try it, this would be a good one!

Today I am just exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Sigh.

On the plus side, I picked up a pink Netbook yesterday. I didn't have a home computer and it was time for me to get one and stop using the office computer. Next step-to get all my personal crap off the office computer and onto this one. Hoping to get to that tomorrow...

Hot and Cold Ex Husband

2009-02-19T18:18:00.003-05:00

My ex husband is so often all over the map. It confuses the heck out of me. One minute I'm getting nasty emails, the next minute I get crazy displays of affection. Don't get me wrong. I prefer it much more when he is pleasant, it's just that I never know what to expect. Will the real personality please stand up so I can plan my life accordingly???

Today we were at my son's appointment together. We were both surprisingly civil. It was actually a big relief. We walked out to the parking lot together. Just as I was leaving, he asked me how the kids behaved on our trip. I told him they did really well. I told him I started the trip with ground rules. Do two hours of homework on the way there, and two on the way back, and the rest of the time can be used for TV and video games on the plane. It worked marvelously. They complied without arguments.

I looked up. He smiled. And then he said, "See, it's so easy to see why they love you so much".

HUH?

I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I really get why they love you. It's easy to see. You're good with them".

"Ok. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Take care."

Total twilight zone.

NYC in March

2009-02-19T17:59:00.002-05:00

I just booked a trip to NYC over March break for myself and the children. No, I have not given him an answer to the marriage question. I've decided that I want to see how the children (well all 4 children, including his little ones) fare living together for a week. Let's see how that goes.

I know- I have taken the longest time to make a decision. But you see, if he was coming here to live, this would be a no-brainer for me. I would say yes and we would be fine. The issue for me is packing up my life and starting over in a foreign place with a crappy economy to boot. I mean, over here, I have a job. And a house, and family. Over there, I start from scratch. It's not the person, it's the circumstances.

I will figure all this out eventually. In the meantime, off to NYC!

No More Meds

2009-02-19T17:52:00.002-05:00

Well this was an interesting twist. I took my son for his appt with the pediatrician today. We wanted to do a checkpoint of how things went with him off the meds. To be honest, the first 3 days were a bit hairy and then they tapered off. I spoke to the teacher and he didn't see a massive change. He saw a drop in focus in SOME subjects but not all. My son gained half a pound which is good because he lost too much weight while on the meds. And he is much more pleasant.

The doctor's suggestion- leave him off the medication indefinitely. I was really shocked to hear this. He said to come back in June with the report card and we will decide if we need to put him back on at that time. I asked why the decision, and he said that aggression is NOT a good side affect. That we don't want to ignite Oppositional Defiance Disorder while trying to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.

In my mind, I think the tidbit of information I shared about the dad being bipolar may have had something to do with it. I'm going to do more research, but my guess is that maybe there are other longer term side effects with Adderol that may not be good if the genetics have the potential for other disorders, but that is just a guess.

In the meantime, I'm OK with him being off the meds, just a bit shocked. I guess there is no harm in watching over the next few months to see how he does in school. If we need to put him back on meds, it won't be adderol, it will be the other medication.

More updates in June I guess. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping he does OK without them.