I had a conversation with a friend the other day about my ex. She was curious about the signs of my ex's mental illness, and wanted to know if I ever documented them. I put a list together for her, and then realized it would probably be a good thing to post, for others to see.
During high school/early university:
- Very few friends
- Many people saw him as weird or quirky
- Got angry with people easily
- Depression (which I then thought were just a few down days)
- Difficulty in most relationships (Except with me. I was the center of his universe. Almost like an obsession, but in high school when a guy spends every possible minute with you,and only you, we as women mistake that for how worthy we are of love and how much that person loves us. It's not love, it's not normal, and we should never marry it!)
- Frequent mood swings
- Lack if focus, poor grades. By the time we got married and into university, I was often writing many of his undergrad and MBA papers for him. It was bad because it just increased his dependency and obsession.
As he got older, and after marriage:
- Inability to keep a job. Either because lack of focus and work not getting done right or also because of interpersonal issues- fights with co-workers etc)
- Abusive physically and verbally towards me (and verbally with his family). Every family event would end in a fight and it would be his fault. I know. I was there.
- Torturing animals. Remember our cats? He would squeeze them until they defecated or would put their heads in a basin of water as punishment for bad behavior.
- Physical abuse of our children - this was only on the day I left him, but then continued after because our lovely courts gave him visitation.
- Controlling. Punished people. Vindictive. No mercy. He had a really dark side.
- Lied a lot. He knew right from wrong, and knew how to cover wrong doing.
- Excessive spending on things we didn't need. Yes. He became a shopaholic. Yes we ran into debt. When we got divorced he had racked 70k on a line of credit. And this was just on his foolish expenses. No I didn't realize how high it had gotten. And yes, debt is matrimonial and I had to pay half.
- Binge eating. Yes men do it too. I would come home from work (he was often unemployed and therefore at home) and would realize that he had bought and eaten a whole chocolate cake. The blinds would be closed, the house would be dark. And he would be watching TV and eating cake. Sometimes I wouldn't know for days. I would find empty cake boxes hidden in the bottom of the closet. He must have known it wasn't normal. Why else would he hide the boxes?
- As he got older, his illness became more apparent. One time he told me he wanted to join the police force. I told him to think about it. His moods changed so often I figured the next day he would forget anyways. The next day, I came home and found a real estate agent in the home. He said he made a decision. We were selling the house and moving to Vancouver (what happened to joining the Toronto police force? That was the day before!!). I reminded him that it was both our home, in both our names, and he couldn't sell it without my consent. And- I was the only one employed. My job is in Toronto, so we are not moving. Then I kicked the agent out.
The list keeps going. But this is a start. Don't forget. He had good days too. He was the guy who would massage my feet., bring me flowers, buy me things, plan picnic lunches by the water. It's just- hard to love someone who does all that and then comes home to lunch you in the face and give you a black eye.
Anyhow, I hope this list is helpful for others. Had I been from a different community, I would have left him sooner. Thank God for the kids. They saved my life.
