How does one move on from a difficult life experience? By becoming someone else.
When you experience something truly traumatic, something that totally paralyzes you, it is almost impossible to remain who you are and to move on. These types of experiences fundamentally change who you are. They have to. That's the only way to make it through them, to get past them. This realization just hit me recently.
I was debating with a close friend. He had a hard time understanding how someone like me (tough, independent, strong willed) could ever allow a man to treat me the way my ex treated me. I kept explaining that I am different today. He asked when I changed. I thought about it, and realized the answer. I changed the day I left him. I had to. Because the girl who stuck around for 11 years had to be left behind completely for me to be able to start a new life. I had to very deliberately leave her behind, and that is exactly what I did. And I had to promise that I would not let her come back.
So to those that have a hard time understanding how I got though it, you need to first understand that I had to let go of who I was. I had to let go of the wishful, dreamy, overly dedicated, naive and somewhat pathetic girl. I had to develop thick skin. I had to think more about myself and my children. I almost had to become the opposite of who I was.
I basically had to create a new me.
And I'm still creating her. Something tells me I won't ever finish. And I'm really OK with that. I am sort of enjoying the discovery process, enjoying learning about myself. Over the past 5 years, I've learned about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned that I make a lot of mistakes. I screw up sometimes. But I am sincere. I don't try deliberately to hurt those around me. I've learned that I have an incredible ability to forgive. (Even if I haven't quite developed the ability to forget). But that's OK. Overall, I don't mind the person I've become. I kind of like her. I just wish I found her a bit sooner. 11 years was a long time to wait to meet her.
But it's better late than never. And so as I look forward to the future, I wonder what else I will learn about myself, what other strengths I have that I didn't see before.
And I say goodbye to the other girl that I left behind. I thank her for helping me build a foundation, for giving me the opportunity to change, and for not insisting on traveling the remainder of the journey with me.
And I thank God. For the experiences, for the strengths, and for not letting me fall as hard as I could have.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Sunday, January 03, 2010
A New Decade With Renewed Hope
I'm looking forward to the new decade. I'm hoping it marks an end to all that I had to clear out of my life in the last decade.
In hindsight, 2009 was not a bad year at all. I finalized my court proceedings. Things were stable at work. I feel like I've reconnected with my kids and stabilized my finances. And because the court case has finally ended, there is now a band-aid on the financial bleeding, which means I can rebuild things financially from this point on. It's hard to rebuild when you're still bleeding.
On the emotional front, my personal life is not as stable as I would want it to be, and I've had some recent things to deal with, but regardless, I am emotionally happier. I would say that I am content. And that's a nice seat to be in.
The new decade represents a few things for me:
I think things have been better for me in the past few months than they have been in the past 15 years. I'm hoping that things continue. If they do, 2010 will be the best year yet.
In hindsight, 2009 was not a bad year at all. I finalized my court proceedings. Things were stable at work. I feel like I've reconnected with my kids and stabilized my finances. And because the court case has finally ended, there is now a band-aid on the financial bleeding, which means I can rebuild things financially from this point on. It's hard to rebuild when you're still bleeding.
On the emotional front, my personal life is not as stable as I would want it to be, and I've had some recent things to deal with, but regardless, I am emotionally happier. I would say that I am content. And that's a nice seat to be in.
The new decade represents a few things for me:
- The hope of emotional stability
- Financial stability
- Happiness
- A decade free of physical pain. Nobody will ever physically hurt me again. Ever.
- Independence- from culture, family, the never ending expectations of people
- A new life with my children
- The knowledge of who my real friends are- it's good to know who is really on your side. I have been given this gift. Every hardship comes with its share of silver lining
I think things have been better for me in the past few months than they have been in the past 15 years. I'm hoping that things continue. If they do, 2010 will be the best year yet.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Goodbye to a Grandfather
My grandfather passed away a few days ago.
It was on Christmas day. The day that I came home from my trip to Cuba. As I got off the plane at 2pm Christmas Day, I got an urgent text message to call my mother. When I called her, my mother advised that my grandfather had passed away just two hours before (while we were still in the air), and that the family was waiting for me at the hospital so that I could pay my last respects before they take his body away. On that note, just to explain one thing...as Muslims, we have to bury the body right away, like within 24 hours if at all possible.
I rushed to the hospital, prayed a prayer for my grandfather, gave my condolences to my grandmother, and proceeded to make funeral arrangements with my father. This was a tough one, because we needed the funeral to be the next day, and because of the Christmas holidays, we had a tough time finding people to help with the burial service (digging the grave, etc). We ended up finding someone, but had to pay extra to have the funeral over the Christmas closures. Thankfully, we were able to have the funeral on the 26th.
It was sad to see my grandfather go, and from another perspective, it was expected. He was in his 90's, and lived a good life. He was a good man. And towards the end of his life, his quality of life really wasn't there. I asked my mother how he died so suddenly. I mean, I went a few weeks ago to the nursing home on Eid to visit him, and he was fine when I left for Cuba, and then he passed away on the day I was returning. My mother explained that he developed an infection in his leg. Four days before he died, the hospital asked my father to make a decision. They could either amputate both his legs to get rid of the infection, or they could put him on morphine and let nature decide his fate. My dad opted for the morphine. He didn't feel that there was any dignity in amputating his limbs, and he was concerned that this type of a surgery may not even be successful. I believe he made the right decision. He was told my grandfather would have 1-4 months to live. He died 4 days later.
I'm glad he died sooner, rather than suffering for an extended period of time. Still, it's sad to say goodbye to a man that lived with us for over 15 years when I was growing up. After his death, I remembered a day when I was 12 years old, trying to avoid one of my regular Quran lessons with grandfather, running and hiding in the bedroom closet. As I read from the Quran after my grandfather's death, I had tears in my eyes as I recalled the day he found me in the closet and said "Just remember, when my time comes, and I pass away, read from the Quran for me. Make sure you're not hiding in the closets when that time comes, ok?". I remember saying "Dada (urdu for grandfather), you're going to live a long time". And thankfully he did. And yes, I did get to pray for him, and I was glad I was able to do it. I can also thank him for encouraging me to learn my prayers. That's one contribution that he has made that will continue on, every time I read a prayer. And when I do read those prayers, I will make sure I pray one for him.
It was on Christmas day. The day that I came home from my trip to Cuba. As I got off the plane at 2pm Christmas Day, I got an urgent text message to call my mother. When I called her, my mother advised that my grandfather had passed away just two hours before (while we were still in the air), and that the family was waiting for me at the hospital so that I could pay my last respects before they take his body away. On that note, just to explain one thing...as Muslims, we have to bury the body right away, like within 24 hours if at all possible.
I rushed to the hospital, prayed a prayer for my grandfather, gave my condolences to my grandmother, and proceeded to make funeral arrangements with my father. This was a tough one, because we needed the funeral to be the next day, and because of the Christmas holidays, we had a tough time finding people to help with the burial service (digging the grave, etc). We ended up finding someone, but had to pay extra to have the funeral over the Christmas closures. Thankfully, we were able to have the funeral on the 26th.
It was sad to see my grandfather go, and from another perspective, it was expected. He was in his 90's, and lived a good life. He was a good man. And towards the end of his life, his quality of life really wasn't there. I asked my mother how he died so suddenly. I mean, I went a few weeks ago to the nursing home on Eid to visit him, and he was fine when I left for Cuba, and then he passed away on the day I was returning. My mother explained that he developed an infection in his leg. Four days before he died, the hospital asked my father to make a decision. They could either amputate both his legs to get rid of the infection, or they could put him on morphine and let nature decide his fate. My dad opted for the morphine. He didn't feel that there was any dignity in amputating his limbs, and he was concerned that this type of a surgery may not even be successful. I believe he made the right decision. He was told my grandfather would have 1-4 months to live. He died 4 days later.
I'm glad he died sooner, rather than suffering for an extended period of time. Still, it's sad to say goodbye to a man that lived with us for over 15 years when I was growing up. After his death, I remembered a day when I was 12 years old, trying to avoid one of my regular Quran lessons with grandfather, running and hiding in the bedroom closet. As I read from the Quran after my grandfather's death, I had tears in my eyes as I recalled the day he found me in the closet and said "Just remember, when my time comes, and I pass away, read from the Quran for me. Make sure you're not hiding in the closets when that time comes, ok?". I remember saying "Dada (urdu for grandfather), you're going to live a long time". And thankfully he did. And yes, I did get to pray for him, and I was glad I was able to do it. I can also thank him for encouraging me to learn my prayers. That's one contribution that he has made that will continue on, every time I read a prayer. And when I do read those prayers, I will make sure I pray one for him.
Cuba in December
The children and I just came back from a trip to Cuba. We had an awesome time. Life has been really busy lately, and I knew it was time for a break. So a few weeks ago, I made a spur of the moment decision and booked a trip for the 3 of us.
Cuba was great. It was cold for the first 3 days (really cold, like 10 degrees cold), but we still had an awesome trip. The last 4 days were very warm, and we got the opportunity to hang out on the beach. Most of all, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually got the chance to take a break. Like a lie-on-the-beach and do nothing, think of nothing kind of break. And it was awesome. Many of my friends said that a beach vacation would not be for me, that I would go crazy, and that I would end up bored. They were wrong. I am amazed at how I was able to lie there for hours and just love it. I can't wait to go on another beach getaway.
We celebrated my son's birthday while we were away. The restaurant manager baked a cake for my son and had the piano player play "happy birthday" for him. My son loved it. The resort we stayed at had such a great Public Affairs manager, that on my son's birthday, he walked the beach looking for us so that he could give my son a little gift (badminton set) and a card. I thought it was a really nice touch.
The bonding period with my kids was awesome. I cannot wait to get away with the kids again.
Cuba was great. It was cold for the first 3 days (really cold, like 10 degrees cold), but we still had an awesome trip. The last 4 days were very warm, and we got the opportunity to hang out on the beach. Most of all, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually got the chance to take a break. Like a lie-on-the-beach and do nothing, think of nothing kind of break. And it was awesome. Many of my friends said that a beach vacation would not be for me, that I would go crazy, and that I would end up bored. They were wrong. I am amazed at how I was able to lie there for hours and just love it. I can't wait to go on another beach getaway.
We celebrated my son's birthday while we were away. The restaurant manager baked a cake for my son and had the piano player play "happy birthday" for him. My son loved it. The resort we stayed at had such a great Public Affairs manager, that on my son's birthday, he walked the beach looking for us so that he could give my son a little gift (badminton set) and a card. I thought it was a really nice touch.
The bonding period with my kids was awesome. I cannot wait to get away with the kids again.
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