Monday, November 23, 2009

Home Alone, Yet Underage

Getting back to the topic of my ex's idiotic tendencies, I had another issue with him a few weeks back. This one really ticked me off, to the point that I couldn't function for days. It was another one of those 'do I call the cops, or do I deal with matters on my own' situations. Yet another one. It never ends. On this note, one of the questions I still haven't been able to answer for myself is why have I not been able to contact the authorities thus far? What is my issue? I tell myself that it is because I don't want the children exposed to it, that I don't want their father to be charged, that overall it will only hurt them. While this is true, I think I have to be honest with myself and admit that there is much more to it. For whatever reason, I cannot do it. I wasn't even able to do it before the kids were in the picture, so it has as much to do with ME, with MY issues than with anything else. This is something I have to deal with somehow.

Anyhow, getting back to what happened, a few weeks ago, I was having dinner with my children. My daughter was talking about her play date with a girlfriend while she was at her father's house. It occurred to me that while she was there, my son must have been going to a play date with his friend also. So I asked him what he does when his sister is with her friend. The response is silence, as my child looks down and starts to eat faster. Anyone with children knows that this is a sure sign that something is wrong. So I ask the question again, to which I again get the same response. So I ask what they are hiding from me.

My daughter responds "we are not allowed to tell you". Not allowed to tell me what? So I explain that lying and and keeping something from your mother is a very bad thing. A mother's job is to protect her children. But I cannot protect what I do not know.

So my daughter tells me that "he stays home". As in with your father? "No. As in on his own". As in while he drops you off? "No- as in while he goes out with his friends".

So let me get this straight? Psycho man leaves my 9 year old boy home alone, unattended, while he goes out for coffee with his buddies? Seriously?!! I was infuriated. To top it off, the kids tell me I'm not allowed to tell their dad. Their dad will get mad. So I'm stuck. Protect the kids, or lose their confidence and risk them getting in trouble by their dad? I choose to protect my kids. So I tell them that I have to speak to their dad. I tell them that it is a criminal offense to leave a child home alone. I tell them that when they allow their dad to do it, they are breaking the law as well. I guess this freaked the kids out a bit (I know, it's harsh. But what else can I do? I can't control him, so I have to make the kids understand)...it's for their own good...

I spoke to a friend and told him that I was really ticked. I told him that I needed to have a chit chat with my ex. His advice was that I wait out the weekend and cool off. That if I lose my temper, it will just result in more hostility. So I wait out the weekend.

The following Monday, I call my ex. I wait until I am calm. I ask him if we can talk about the children. He says yes. Then I proceed to tell him that I have come to understand that on a few occasions, he has left our son home alone, unattended. Silence. So I proceed to say that I'm a little confused at why he would do this, after all, he only sees the children for 6 days a month, and if he has childcare issues, perhaps he can leave them with me. That I am only concerned about the children's safety and well being.

And then he blows up at me. He starts calling me a self righteous bitch and starts with all sorts of profanities. On and on. I wait for him to settle down but he doesn't. Then, after a couple of minutes of his non-stop cursing, I step in. I tell him that I have had enough. That he should be thankful that I even called him. All I have to do is call the police or the CAS. After all, what the hell do I care? I'm the custodial parent. I have nothing to lose. He continues swearing and I yell back. It turns into an all out yelling/swearing match. I end the call with "you know what? I'm sorry I called you. I should have called the authorities. I should have known not to give you the benefit of the doubt. Go to hell". And then I hang up.

Two minutes later, I get a text message asking me to calm down, so we can talk again the next day. The next day, I decide no more talking. So I email him. I basically put it in writing that I need a written commitment that he will not leave the children home alone again. And if I find out, I will immediately contact the authorities, without calling him. The response to my email comes via text message. It says "confirmed". That's a typical cover-your-ass response. I follow up with a phone call, again making it clear that I will not tolerate this again. He confirms that it won't happen again.

I leave it at that. I save the text message with the email. He might have used a different medium, but it's still evidence.

This was all a few weeks ago. Since then, I have checked in with the kids many times. They have stated that they have not been left alone since then. I believe them for now.

But rest assured, if I find out he is doing this again, I'm seriously going to lose it next time. No more mercy. (Ok, now THAT line was DEJA VU...)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Poisoning a Child's Mind

So what do you do when an ex says destructive things about the other parent? What recourse do we have in a divorce situation? There isn't a court in the country that can stop one parent from filling a child's mind with crap about the other parent. So how do we deal with these things?

Today my children came home from a weekend with their father. As soon as they got home, my son asked me what I did all weekend. I told him that I did some shopping, went to the gym, cleaned out my closets, did some laundry and watched a movie with some friends. He was quiet. I asked what was bothering him.

He said that his father told him (in confidence), that when the kids are with their dad, their mother has "sex with various different men" and that I am a "very loose woman". I cannot begin to describe how angered I am right now. I am so furious I can barely type. Firstly, I don't even know if my almost 10 year old son knows what sex is. (I am hoping he does not). I asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant kissing and sleeping in the same bed.

I proceeded to tell him that no, it is not true and that his father has no right to make up stories about me. He asked how he as a child can tell which parent is telling the truth (it's a fair question). I explained that firstly, the parent who tells you things in secret is usually doing something wrong (or making things up), and that he as my son should have a pretty good idea of the type of woman I am. Thirdly, I explained that IF in some way, I were doing something wrong, how the heck would his dad know about it? It's not like he's here to watch me. That was the light bulb moment for my son. Oh yeah, he says. How would he know something like that about you? Well duh.

I called my friend to vent about this. He told me that these are the things I cannot change. My ex is an asshole of the supremest degree and that is who he will always be. I will have to deal with these things as they come up. I just hope one day everything he does bites him. He deserves it. He deserves a miserable life. And yes, I am wishing it upon him. I'm angry. Kill me for venting if you don't like it.

My biggest mistake was marrying that scum of a human being. 5 and a half years after my leaving him, and he still doesn't let up. Some days, it feels like I will never have any peace. Sigh.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Your True Self, During Adversity

Someone shared an interesting thought with me today.

This person said that we all think we know who we are, but that our true self really comes out during times of adversity. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. When we are happy, we give to charity, we are kind to others, and we forgive easier. When we go through difficulties, we have an opportunity to learn who we really are- whether we are inherently good people or not, and what our personal challenges and vices really are. We learn if we are capable of rising above, and these moments can also teach us how to understand others when they go through hardships, as we have all, at some level or another, experienced hardships of our own.

So that makes me wonder. I have learned a hell of a lot about myself over the past few years. Most of the things I can honestly say I am really proud of. I learned that I'm tougher than I think, that I can survive more than I ever thought, and that I am not a bad person. I also learned that no matter how hard life gets, it does get easier.

On the flip side, I've also learned that even good people can sometimes make mistakes, say things and do things that they may not normally do. Some of them we regret, and some of them we don't. Some we make right, and some we leave as wrong. While I can honestly say that I am not a bad person, I have also learned that I am far from perfect. I've spent the past 5 years rebuilding my life, and in the process, I have made some mistakes as well. I can be kind enough to myself not to punish myself for my mistakes, but at the same time, I've also learned that nobody gets a free ticket. We are all, after all, accountable for our actions.

So, as I continue to rebuild my life, one of the thoughts I will keep in mind the next time I face difficulty is that who I am, and who I become, is directly related to how I conduct myself during those difficult times. this makes them opportunities- to change, to better myself, and truly create the person I want to be. The best thing to keep in mind- nobody should get a free ticket. And there is karma. Mistakes are OK if we learn from them, but we do at the end of the day, all reap the rewards of our own efforts- both the good ones, and the bad ones.