Divorce Notes from the Oprah Winfrey Show

I watched an old PVR'd episode of Oprah the other day. Some interesting points about children and divorce:

• When you put down the other parent, you psychologically mess up your children because they feel disloyal to one parent for loving the other
• When children aren't allowed to heal in therapy, girls become clinically depressed and little boys become enraged and grow up angry
• We need to acknowledge that the kids are hurting and that it's very sad
• Kids of divorced homes are feeling the impact even when you don't think they are feeling it
• Children feel like the divorce is their fault. When there is arguing amongst parents after a divorce, it's usually over the kids, so the children are led to believe the hostility is all their fault
• Never criticize the other parent because when you do, you are criticizing your child's DNA- the only exception is when the other parent has either abandoned them or is harming them. Then you have to tell them that it is wrong for a parent to emotionally abandon or physically abuse them. It is OK to tell them that sometimes people have problems in their minds and it limits some parents from giving kids the love they deserve. Reassure them that they are huggable enough and they are terrific, and they deserve to have two parents, but that right now, they have one really loving one and they will always have that.
  
• Help the children write about how they feel and get it out and read the letter/journal entry as this will be therapeutic for them
• When there is a lot of fighting between the parents, children don't express their feelings because they don't want to add to the fighting, and this builds up over time and turns into rage
• The best thing you can do for your children is to tell them that you would like them to come to you with their problems, but if they cannot, identify two adults that they can go to that are empowered to make decisions to help them if anything major ever came up and these people are instructed to maintain their confidence (like substitute parents).
  

3 rules to follow when telling your children that you are getting a divorce:

1. Tell them together as a family about the divorce. This will be one of the moments they remember for the rest of their life, so make it as comforting as possible
2. You have about 45 seconds before a child's mind starts racing. Things to tell them:
• Mom and dad made each other very sad, we feel it is best for the family that we spend time apart
• You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us
• This is absolutely not your fault, you did nothing to cause this
3. Practice what you will say, and then when you say it, sit back and listen to what they have to say, hold them, hug them, allow them to ask questions and allow them to tell you how their mind is racing and what they are thinking. Children will want to know why the divorce happened. You need to give them general things that they can learn- we said nasty things to each other, we didn't treat each other as nice as we should have etc.

This made me feel kind of sad. It's like we did everything wrong in this divorce. I could use the easy excuse and say that one parent was mentally unstable, but I would rather reflect and ask myself what I could have done better. I definitely could have broken the news to them better. I also could have criticized my ex less. I did that in the context of whenever he hurt the kids though, so it's a tough balance...

Sole Custody

It's finally over. And I am so bloody exhausted. I could sleep for a year.

After 5 hrs to arguing, he consented to an order. He consented to the following:

• I have sole custody of the children
• He has access/visits with the children pending his attendance with a psychiatrist at a schedule set by the psychiatrist
• If he doesn't go to the psychiatrist all his visits will be supervised by someone that we both agree to
  
• I have the right to travel without his consent and to get passports/documents made for the children without his consent
• I can move to NYC if I wish to do so.

I always thought that when/if this moment came I would be absolutely elated. Right now, I'm just downright exhausted.

I'm sure the joy will kick in later.

A big thank you to all my friends for your love and support. I don't think I would be standing if you weren't here by my side. I love you guys :)

Tomorrow is Court

And it's weird. Tomorrow is such a significant point in time, that it's really overwhelming. See:

• If he signs a consent, it means this is all over. It also means that if he consents to things willingly, there is SOME small sliver of a hope for some sort of a working relationship in the future. If he puts up a big fight and we go to trial, there will NEVER be hope for that. I mean, the writing is on the wall. A professional has told him he has "severe mental health issues". He has been told that his abusiveness is out in the open...abuse towards me and the children. And the assessor told his lawyer that he doesn't trust him alone with the children for long periods of time. If this goes to a full out trial, I WILL win, I know it, but it will just take more time, money, and hostility.
• Part of me hopes that if he signs a consent willingly and accepts that he needs help, and goes to therapy, maybe there is a small chance that he can turn his life around and be a good father. I know it's a long shot, but that is the best outcome for everyone. For him, for the children, and for me. (I mean, geez- at a minimum, maybe he would be able to hold down a job and start paying child support!) But more seriously, I believe that if he wasn't mentally ill, he might have been a good man. And he's been horrible to me and the kids, but I attribute that to his mental illness...I know it's a long shot, but I believe there is a God, and so I have to believe that there is some form of mercy out there too.

It's weird. Tomorrow marks either the POTENTIAL reduction in hostility, or it represents an increase in hostility. I am hoping for the former. But from now on, I plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Keep your fingers crossed boys and girls....

Happy Mother's Day 2009

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, especially the single moms...

When you are on your own, mothers day is what you make of it. Meaning, when you have a partner in your life, they make Mother's Day special. They take the kids out, buy you something, help them make breakfast for you, and pamper you. When you are on your own, it is up to you to do something special for Mother's Day, or nothing happens.

So today, I took the kids to buy flowers and chocolates for my mom. Then we took flowers to my sis in law, who is also a new mom. We had dinner at her place and came home. One day, hopefully my kids will learn from my example and remember to give me a break on Mother's Day.

Last year, Mr. NYC was involved in Mother's Day and he was sweet. This year, things are different, and so, Mother's Day had a slightly different focus. It didn't help that today is the day before court...because my mind is elsewhere.

Either way, maybe it's fitting that it's Mother's Day the day before my court date. It gives me a reminder of what I am fighting for. The past few days have not been good ones for me, but one thing that I do know is that I'm glad to have the children in my life.

Step Out of Your Past

I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show and she says that the greatest courage of all is to be able to step out of your past, out of your history and to find the ability to move forward.

My question is, how do you move forward and step out of your past when your past hasn't had closure yet? It's been 5 years, and there has still not been closure. And what if closure never comes, does that mean you never get to move forward?

I'm hoping Monday will bring closure. It's time to move forward.

5 Days to Pre-Trial

And I feel like I am emotionally unraveling. And I don't understand why. I've been to court a million times. I know how my ex can be. I kind of know what to expect. I just don't know why I can't seem to keep it together.

I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I can't keep my composure. Not at home, not at work, not driving in my car. I just don't understand it.

Fortunately, I spoke to my boss today. I told him I am fine working, just very unusually emotional. He recommended I work from home for a couple of days so that I can give myself a bit of head space. Truthfully, I think that is the best thing for me. To stay away from anyone and everyone until I can sort myself out. For now, I feel like a stranger to everyone. Like nobody understands me anymore. Like I stand alone.

I haven't slept in days. I had one good day- Sat afternoon with friends. It took my mind off things, but only temporarily.

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth it. We go through so much, and what if this is all a big joke in the end? What if all this effort is for nothing? What if things never get better?

I'm chunking off my goals. Today's goal was to get to the end of the day. It's 10pm. Mission accomplished.

I just need to make it through each day, one day at a time.

8 Days to Pre-Trial

Our last Pre-trial date is May 11th. If we can settle matters between us before then, we avoid a full out trial and probably about $20k each. I have been trying patiently to get my ex to see that it doesn't make sense to go to trial. He has NO CHANCE of winning. In fact, chances are he will end up with alot less than what I have offered him. But see, a good friend pointed out recently that half the issue is that whenever we come to some agreements, he raises totally new matters and we end up having to deal with those.

Today I met my ex for an hour. We wanted to see if we could come to some agreements. We managed to agree on some basic matters, but had a few showstoppers. Sigh. I told him to think about things. Really and truly, if he makes this diffilcult and we go to trial, I will NEVER try to work with him on anything ever again. If he works with me this time through, there just might be a sliver of hope that the working relationship won't be between us hellish forever.

Why do I keep hoping when history has taught me not to? Because I am human. Because without hope, the only other avenue turns into despair. And so, I would rather keep hoping.

It doesn't mean I won't be smart about things, but it does mean that I'm just trusting that there has been enough darkness and that" light" has to be around the corner. It just has to. Otherwise, why even bother?

I've been teetering between that hope/despair place for 3 weeks now on several matters. It's not a good seat to be in. Not at all. And lately, in my head, "hope" has been losing. I'm tired, worn out, financially broke, and emotionally fed up.

This is my last time giving "hope" a chance. I believe there is a God. And I believe he is fair. So somewhere up there, he must know that I have had enough. With everything. Enough with the ongoing tests of faith. Enough with the tough times. Enough with the brick walls. There has to be some balance. And so I throw in a prayer and give "hope" a last chance.

So here is to hoping. Let's see where this road takes me. I dread the thought of who and what I will become if I hit yet another brick wall.

Catching up with Friends

I got an opportunity to spend time with some old friends today. It was nice. Nice to get a break. Nice to forget some recent stressors, even if just for a couple of hours.

There are a few things on my mind these days, most of which I don't really care to get into. One of these things is the upcoming court date on May 11th. My ex is giving me a hard time (again). I'm really disappointed this time, as I hoped that things would finally be winding down, but it looks like I was wrong. I may have to fully prepare for a lifetime of permanent crap where he is concerned....sigh. It looks like we may go to trial after all. What a total complete waste.

On another note, I watched this video today. Disturbing, but a good reminder of the fact that I am better off today than I ever was before, no matter what challenges come my way. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, he doesn't pay child support. Yes, he makes life miserable. But I am still free, I am safe, and my life is still very much my own. As stressful as things have been, I need to keep this top of mind.

Need a Hug?

I had one of those days....when you really really just need a hug.

Sadly, it was one of those days when there was nobody around TO hug.

Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day.