Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
I find life interesting. We go through phases in life. Some are better than others. But no matter how you try to re-create something from your past, you cannot do it. When a chapter in your life ends and a new one begins, that is both and ending and beginning, but never a repeat.
And you can never re-create the past. You can have the same players in a situation, the same context, but never the same ending.
So enjoy each moment as you live it, learn from the lessons you are given, and cherish the happiness while you have it.
Life is about the journey, not about the end result.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
A Weekend on my Own
The kids are gone to their dads. It turns out they will be there for the next 4 weekends. I had to give my ex two of my weekends in exchange for his March break time with the kids.
So here I sit...
I had good intentions. I felt like going to the gym. But I didn't sleep well last night...went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 8am, so the gym is out of the question.
I feel too tired to get up and make breakfast. I think I'm in a lazy mood. I had other good intentions like cleaning the house, doing my paperwork, but I don't feel up to that either.
Thankfully, my sister will be coming by today, so I will have some company. Maybe I will gather up enough energy to make it to Starbucks for a latte to wake me up. A good friend mentioned Red Bull the other day. I've never had one, but if there was a time to try it, this would be a good one!
Today I am just exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Sigh.
On the plus side, I picked up a pink Netbook yesterday. I didn't have a home computer and it was time for me to get one and stop using the office computer. Next step-to get all my personal crap off the office computer and onto this one. Hoping to get to that tomorrow...
So here I sit...
I had good intentions. I felt like going to the gym. But I didn't sleep well last night...went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 8am, so the gym is out of the question.
I feel too tired to get up and make breakfast. I think I'm in a lazy mood. I had other good intentions like cleaning the house, doing my paperwork, but I don't feel up to that either.
Thankfully, my sister will be coming by today, so I will have some company. Maybe I will gather up enough energy to make it to Starbucks for a latte to wake me up. A good friend mentioned Red Bull the other day. I've never had one, but if there was a time to try it, this would be a good one!
Today I am just exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Sigh.
On the plus side, I picked up a pink Netbook yesterday. I didn't have a home computer and it was time for me to get one and stop using the office computer. Next step-to get all my personal crap off the office computer and onto this one. Hoping to get to that tomorrow...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Hot and Cold Ex Husband
My ex husband is so often all over the map. It confuses the heck out of me. One minute I'm getting nasty emails, the next minute I get crazy displays of affection. Don't get me wrong. I prefer it much more when he is pleasant, it's just that I never know what to expect. Will the real personality please stand up so I can plan my life accordingly???
Today we were at my son's appointment together. We were both surprisingly civil. It was actually a big relief. We walked out to the parking lot together. Just as I was leaving, he asked me how the kids behaved on our trip. I told him they did really well. I told him I started the trip with ground rules. Do two hours of homework on the way there, and two on the way back, and the rest of the time can be used for TV and video games on the plane. It worked marvelously. They complied without arguments.
I looked up. He smiled. And then he said, "See, it's so easy to see why they love you so much".
HUH?
I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I really get why they love you. It's easy to see. You're good with them".
"Ok. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Take care."
Total twilight zone.
Today we were at my son's appointment together. We were both surprisingly civil. It was actually a big relief. We walked out to the parking lot together. Just as I was leaving, he asked me how the kids behaved on our trip. I told him they did really well. I told him I started the trip with ground rules. Do two hours of homework on the way there, and two on the way back, and the rest of the time can be used for TV and video games on the plane. It worked marvelously. They complied without arguments.
I looked up. He smiled. And then he said, "See, it's so easy to see why they love you so much".
HUH?
I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I really get why they love you. It's easy to see. You're good with them".
"Ok. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Take care."
Total twilight zone.
NYC in March
I just booked a trip to NYC over March break for myself and the children. No, I have not given him an answer to the marriage question. I've decided that I want to see how the children (well all 4 children, including his little ones) fare living together for a week. Let's see how that goes.
I know- I have taken the longest time to make a decision. But you see, if he was coming here to live, this would be a no-brainer for me. I would say yes and we would be fine. The issue for me is packing up my life and starting over in a foreign place with a crappy economy to boot. I mean, over here, I have a job. And a house, and family. Over there, I start from scratch. It's not the person, it's the circumstances.
I will figure all this out eventually. In the meantime, off to NYC!
I know- I have taken the longest time to make a decision. But you see, if he was coming here to live, this would be a no-brainer for me. I would say yes and we would be fine. The issue for me is packing up my life and starting over in a foreign place with a crappy economy to boot. I mean, over here, I have a job. And a house, and family. Over there, I start from scratch. It's not the person, it's the circumstances.
I will figure all this out eventually. In the meantime, off to NYC!
No More Meds
Well this was an interesting twist. I took my son for his appt with the pediatrician today. We wanted to do a checkpoint of how things went with him off the meds. To be honest, the first 3 days were a bit hairy and then they tapered off. I spoke to the teacher and he didn't see a massive change. He saw a drop in focus in SOME subjects but not all. My son gained half a pound which is good because he lost too much weight while on the meds. And he is much more pleasant.
The doctor's suggestion- leave him off the medication indefinitely. I was really shocked to hear this. He said to come back in June with the report card and we will decide if we need to put him back on at that time. I asked why the decision, and he said that aggression is NOT a good side affect. That we don't want to ignite Oppositional Defiance Disorder while trying to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.
In my mind, I think the tidbit of information I shared about the dad being bipolar may have had something to do with it. I'm going to do more research, but my guess is that maybe there are other longer term side effects with Adderol that may not be good if the genetics have the potential for other disorders, but that is just a guess.
In the meantime, I'm OK with him being off the meds, just a bit shocked. I guess there is no harm in watching over the next few months to see how he does in school. If we need to put him back on meds, it won't be adderol, it will be the other medication.
More updates in June I guess. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping he does OK without them.
The doctor's suggestion- leave him off the medication indefinitely. I was really shocked to hear this. He said to come back in June with the report card and we will decide if we need to put him back on at that time. I asked why the decision, and he said that aggression is NOT a good side affect. That we don't want to ignite Oppositional Defiance Disorder while trying to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.
In my mind, I think the tidbit of information I shared about the dad being bipolar may have had something to do with it. I'm going to do more research, but my guess is that maybe there are other longer term side effects with Adderol that may not be good if the genetics have the potential for other disorders, but that is just a guess.
In the meantime, I'm OK with him being off the meds, just a bit shocked. I guess there is no harm in watching over the next few months to see how he does in school. If we need to put him back on meds, it won't be adderol, it will be the other medication.
More updates in June I guess. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping he does OK without them.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Friendships
I learned something very true about friendships recently. It's actually given me some peace. While sad, it's true...
Friendships are all different. Friends are brought to our lives with different intentions. Each one serves a different purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, they move away from you.
That explains why some friendships are so real for a short time, and then fade away. It also explains why some friends are friends for life, the kind that you may not see every day, but when you do, you can trust them with anything. Some are fun friends to hang out with, but they will not be there for you when the chips fall.
I learned a lot about friendships already since the start of 2009. And you know what? It's actually liberating. You can realize that you can't hold onto everyone or everything. You can't please everyone all the time. You cannot keep what is not meant to be yours. You are only entitled to what you are entitled to and the rest will move on.
Nothing that is meant to be yours in this world will pass you by, and nothing will stop for you if it is not meant to be yours.
This is true for many things, but also for friendships. When you think of things in these terms, you will start to see things differently. Everything has a life span, and everything renews when that span ends.
People will come and go from our lives. New ones will enter, old ones will leave, and some will stay forever strong. But at the end of the day, instead of wasting time stressing, it's just better to thank those around you for the contribution they have made to your life. Thank them, learn from them, and move onto whatever is coming your way next.
Like I said, it has all been really liberating....
Friendships are all different. Friends are brought to our lives with different intentions. Each one serves a different purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, they move away from you.
That explains why some friendships are so real for a short time, and then fade away. It also explains why some friends are friends for life, the kind that you may not see every day, but when you do, you can trust them with anything. Some are fun friends to hang out with, but they will not be there for you when the chips fall.
I learned a lot about friendships already since the start of 2009. And you know what? It's actually liberating. You can realize that you can't hold onto everyone or everything. You can't please everyone all the time. You cannot keep what is not meant to be yours. You are only entitled to what you are entitled to and the rest will move on.
Nothing that is meant to be yours in this world will pass you by, and nothing will stop for you if it is not meant to be yours.
This is true for many things, but also for friendships. When you think of things in these terms, you will start to see things differently. Everything has a life span, and everything renews when that span ends.
People will come and go from our lives. New ones will enter, old ones will leave, and some will stay forever strong. But at the end of the day, instead of wasting time stressing, it's just better to thank those around you for the contribution they have made to your life. Thank them, learn from them, and move onto whatever is coming your way next.
Like I said, it has all been really liberating....
Trip To Disney
We just got back last night from our trip to Disney World. I can honestly say that it was a great trip. The children were on the best behavior I have ever experienced in my life, and that made the entire trip a whole lot better for me. I had expected that with my son off his medication, things would be really difficult, but he actually was in really good spirits, and was very calm the whole time. The children had a blast and so did I. I really enjoyed their company, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed just being a mom. I even turned my blackberry off and left it in my room when we went to Disney. It was a gesture that my daughter really appreciated.
We did 2 days at the Magic Kingdom, one day at Epcot and one day at Animal Kingdom. 4 days at Disney back to back was very tiring, but still a lot of fun.
The highlight of the trip (for me), was watching my daughter meet Cinderella. My daughter was dressed as Cinderella herself for two whole days (she refused to wear anything but the dress again on day 2). Yes, she packed a Cinderella dress and a tiara. I protested when she was packing it, as I had visions of being mortified as the only parent with a kid in a gown, but she insisted. She said "Mommy if I don't wear it at Disney, where CAN I wear it?" Excellent point. And so we packed the dress, and tiara.
When we got there, I tried one last time to convince her out of the dress "But you might be the only one wearing it, won't that be silly?" Her reply "Then I guess I will be the only one, and Cinderella will notice me even more". I have to say, I was pretty impressed by her determination and confidence. Maybe I can learn a thing or two from her...
Anyhow, the weather was great, the kids were awesome and it was pretty much a perfect trip. We needed the time away and the kids are elated. I'm glad we got the chance to get away.
Too bad those tiaras and gowns don't come in adult sizes!
We did 2 days at the Magic Kingdom, one day at Epcot and one day at Animal Kingdom. 4 days at Disney back to back was very tiring, but still a lot of fun.
The highlight of the trip (for me), was watching my daughter meet Cinderella. My daughter was dressed as Cinderella herself for two whole days (she refused to wear anything but the dress again on day 2). Yes, she packed a Cinderella dress and a tiara. I protested when she was packing it, as I had visions of being mortified as the only parent with a kid in a gown, but she insisted. She said "Mommy if I don't wear it at Disney, where CAN I wear it?" Excellent point. And so we packed the dress, and tiara.
When we got there, I tried one last time to convince her out of the dress "But you might be the only one wearing it, won't that be silly?" Her reply "Then I guess I will be the only one, and Cinderella will notice me even more". I have to say, I was pretty impressed by her determination and confidence. Maybe I can learn a thing or two from her...
Anyhow, the weather was great, the kids were awesome and it was pretty much a perfect trip. We needed the time away and the kids are elated. I'm glad we got the chance to get away.
Too bad those tiaras and gowns don't come in adult sizes!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Girl Time
A couple of nights ago, the day that my son missed his school bus, we had so much drama. I was downtown at the time and could not get to the school to get him. I called my ex and he said he wasn't in the area either. He suggested that I get my parents to do it. Nice try buddy, but mom and dad are vacationing in Florida. I got frustrated with his lack of involvement and eventually told him that he had 3 brothers who live nearby. Pick one and get them to take responsibility for their nephew. Seriously...why does it always have to be my family? Well to my shock, he agreed to do it, and so my brother in law went to get him from the school.
Anyhow, when I went to get my daughter from daycare, she was upset that her brother not only misses the school bus, but gets rewarded for it by getting to hang out with his cousins while she goes to daycare. I did see her point. So she asked for some girl time. I agreed and we went home, had dinner, played, laughed, watched TV. (I had asked my ex to bring my son home and hour and a half later so my daughter could get her long awaited girl time). It was lovely. But I did learn a few things from the experience:
Not a bad deal. I think God had my back on this one. I'm glad I was given the opportunity to see the silver lining in what was brought my way. That's half the journey, isn't it?
Anyhow, when I went to get my daughter from daycare, she was upset that her brother not only misses the school bus, but gets rewarded for it by getting to hang out with his cousins while she goes to daycare. I did see her point. So she asked for some girl time. I agreed and we went home, had dinner, played, laughed, watched TV. (I had asked my ex to bring my son home and hour and a half later so my daughter could get her long awaited girl time). It was lovely. But I did learn a few things from the experience:
- My daughter is the easier of the two children from a disposition perspective, for now.
- It is a lot quieter in the house with one child.
- Despite the above, I am really lucky to have both of my children in my life. My son is so loving in his own way. He knows me better than most people. He is very sensitive to my feelings. He is less clingy than my daughter. Every child is indeed different. But after a couple of hours, I really really missed my son as well.
- I always told myself that it was harder to be a single parent with two children. This week, I learned that in some ways, it is harder, and in other ways, it isn't. It is hard because you end up refereeing their fights all day long. You have to do double the work- dress two kids in the morning, pack two lunches. But there is a catch. When you have one child, you have to dedicate all your time to them. When you have two, they play with each other and you get some head space.
Not a bad deal. I think God had my back on this one. I'm glad I was given the opportunity to see the silver lining in what was brought my way. That's half the journey, isn't it?
First Aid Course
I spent the last 2 days at a first aid course. We needed someone at the office to take it, so I volunteered. I figured if nothing else, I would learn how to bandage up my accident-prone son the next time he gets a cut/bruise/bangs his head. I'm glad I went. The best part of the course- learning how to use a defibrillator.
The interesting thing that I learned is that most of the people who save lives are just innocent bystanders. People who were at a restaurant when someone started chocking, or in the mall when someone had a heart attack...all the more reason to get more people trained on this stuff I guess.
Anyhow, it was 2 days of NOT driving 3hrs a day to get to work. I think that was the best part of all. Being seated at the dinner table with dinner ready at 6:30 is unheard of for me. I normally get in the door at 6:45 so dinner is usually 7:30. It was awesome. I'm telling you, I need to find something closer to home....it's amazing what a difference it makes on your quality of life...
The interesting thing that I learned is that most of the people who save lives are just innocent bystanders. People who were at a restaurant when someone started chocking, or in the mall when someone had a heart attack...all the more reason to get more people trained on this stuff I guess.
Anyhow, it was 2 days of NOT driving 3hrs a day to get to work. I think that was the best part of all. Being seated at the dinner table with dinner ready at 6:30 is unheard of for me. I normally get in the door at 6:45 so dinner is usually 7:30. It was awesome. I'm telling you, I need to find something closer to home....it's amazing what a difference it makes on your quality of life...
Med Update
Day 1 off Meds:
Maybe I freaked about nothing. I just know my ex was prescribed the same med. Turns out in tiny micro doses, it treats different things. In large doses, it treats larger things.
So I wait, and we shall see...
- My son misses school bus
- He forgets half his homework at school in his desk (hasn't done that in months, since the meds)
- Handwriting is illegible
- He is unable to focus on homework in evening
- My son's handwriting is even more illegible
- Unfinished schoolwork comes home (two hours worth)
- He is unable to understand basic concepts that he understood a couple of months back.
- Handwriting gets worse
- Takes forever for him to do his homework- he keeps getting up and walking away, very distracted
Maybe I freaked about nothing. I just know my ex was prescribed the same med. Turns out in tiny micro doses, it treats different things. In large doses, it treats larger things.
So I wait, and we shall see...
Monday, February 02, 2009
Switch the Meds
Well, I'm not sure if I did a good thing or a bad thing. Today we had my son's 4th pediatric an appt for his ADHD. The thing is, since he has been on the meds, his focus is better but his aggression and tantrums seem higher and more intense. I'm not 100% sure but it sure feels that way. To the point where you can recall I even wrote a few posts about the difficulty I have been having raising him, and from time to time the feelings of hopelessness, like it will never get better.
So today I went to the appt 15mins early knowing my ex wouldn't be there yet. I spoke to the receptionist in detail. I told her I was concerned about my son's aggression and advised her that "the dad" is bipolar, but denies it. My real concern is that I can't even bring it up in his presence out of fear that he will go nuts. But I had to share the information with the office, as I felt this was relevant information. I mean, bipolar disorder is known to be genetic. While I most certainly would hope that it doesn't get passed to my son, I also have to make sure I'm not hiding any information, especially from the doctor. The receptionist listened and told me that she isn't surprised, that my ex is quite a character, but that she would advise the doctor of this information.
When we went in, I think the doctor had been informed. He specifically asked me what times of day my son has temper tantrums and I told him mornings. He said that is the least likely time he should have them, usually they happen end of day when the meds are wearing off. Anyhow, he said that 1% of kids have a side effect of aggression on this drug. Plus, my son has lost 5lbs in 3 months. Our guess is that this medication may not be the most suitable for him. That and the fact that he recently increased the dosage by 50% but there was no change in our son's focus. So the teachers have described that his focus runs out by 2pm, but an increase in dosage didn't help. The doctor's solution- Take him off the meds for 2 weeks to see how he reacts. I think he wants to see if the tantrums and focus both go down. If for example the focus goes down but the tantrums remain the same, we know the meds are not causing the tantrums, but that they were helping with focus. If the tantrums stop but the focus drops, then the meds were causing the aggression, but he needs meds for focus so we will switch him to another med. Sigh. What a process.
Another fear that I have is taking the kids to Disney with my son not on any meds at all. God that will be insane. He will be crazy-hyper, which will be hellish for me. Sheesh.
But the doctor is very smart. He said that if we start the other meds and the tantrums don't go down, then we may want to introduce a mood stabilizer. The one he named is EXACTLY the one my ex is on. Now that is bloody scary.
I'm trying not to think too much about it. I'm hoping all the tantrums were exacerbated by the meds he was on. Don't get me wrong. He always had angry outbursts, but they have been much worse lately.
Maybe I am the one who will need meds to get through the next 2 weeks!
I'm just going to try to make it through, try not to worry, and try to take it all one day at a time.
So today I went to the appt 15mins early knowing my ex wouldn't be there yet. I spoke to the receptionist in detail. I told her I was concerned about my son's aggression and advised her that "the dad" is bipolar, but denies it. My real concern is that I can't even bring it up in his presence out of fear that he will go nuts. But I had to share the information with the office, as I felt this was relevant information. I mean, bipolar disorder is known to be genetic. While I most certainly would hope that it doesn't get passed to my son, I also have to make sure I'm not hiding any information, especially from the doctor. The receptionist listened and told me that she isn't surprised, that my ex is quite a character, but that she would advise the doctor of this information.
When we went in, I think the doctor had been informed. He specifically asked me what times of day my son has temper tantrums and I told him mornings. He said that is the least likely time he should have them, usually they happen end of day when the meds are wearing off. Anyhow, he said that 1% of kids have a side effect of aggression on this drug. Plus, my son has lost 5lbs in 3 months. Our guess is that this medication may not be the most suitable for him. That and the fact that he recently increased the dosage by 50% but there was no change in our son's focus. So the teachers have described that his focus runs out by 2pm, but an increase in dosage didn't help. The doctor's solution- Take him off the meds for 2 weeks to see how he reacts. I think he wants to see if the tantrums and focus both go down. If for example the focus goes down but the tantrums remain the same, we know the meds are not causing the tantrums, but that they were helping with focus. If the tantrums stop but the focus drops, then the meds were causing the aggression, but he needs meds for focus so we will switch him to another med. Sigh. What a process.
Another fear that I have is taking the kids to Disney with my son not on any meds at all. God that will be insane. He will be crazy-hyper, which will be hellish for me. Sheesh.
But the doctor is very smart. He said that if we start the other meds and the tantrums don't go down, then we may want to introduce a mood stabilizer. The one he named is EXACTLY the one my ex is on. Now that is bloody scary.
I'm trying not to think too much about it. I'm hoping all the tantrums were exacerbated by the meds he was on. Don't get me wrong. He always had angry outbursts, but they have been much worse lately.
Maybe I am the one who will need meds to get through the next 2 weeks!
I'm just going to try to make it through, try not to worry, and try to take it all one day at a time.
The Mom Song
A special thanks to my friend VW for sharing this with me. It's absolutely priceless.
Sadly enough, I've said a lot of this stuff to my kids :(
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Saying No
When a man says no its the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation.
Why is it always this way?
Have we as women allowed this to happen? Is it because we are naturally so indecisive in our personal lives? (Or is that just me revealing one of my ever so present weaknesses?)
I wouldn't have issue with it if this worked both ways. But for some reason, more often than not, it feels like it's one sided. In my experience, it always has been. I mean this in my personal life, at work, with friends. Always. I say no to something, the men around me see it as a starting point. They say no to something and I always get the "We discussed this. I said no. Don't try to twist things and get your way, learn to let the other person win sometimes". (And for the record, this quote is NOT from Mr. NYC)...
Sigh.
Why is it always this way?
Have we as women allowed this to happen? Is it because we are naturally so indecisive in our personal lives? (Or is that just me revealing one of my ever so present weaknesses?)
I wouldn't have issue with it if this worked both ways. But for some reason, more often than not, it feels like it's one sided. In my experience, it always has been. I mean this in my personal life, at work, with friends. Always. I say no to something, the men around me see it as a starting point. They say no to something and I always get the "We discussed this. I said no. Don't try to twist things and get your way, learn to let the other person win sometimes". (And for the record, this quote is NOT from Mr. NYC)...
Sigh.
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