Expect the Worst

A friend of mine had a really brutal conversation with me today. It actually really got under my skin in a big way. After he left, and after I got time to think about it, I realized that he was right. Blunt, yes. Brutal, hell ya. But he was right.

He said that more than half of my unhappiness today is coming from the fact that I have allowed it. Yes, I have crappy circumstances. Yes, my ex is an asshole. But he always will be. And because we have two children together, he will always be in my life, and because he is an asshole, he will always be treating me like crap and deliberately making things difficult for me.

The only consistent thing where he is concerned is that whenever he has a chance, he will do something to de-rail my life. So his solution- why not just expect the worst? Expect that things will always be this way. That way, you won't be disappointed. Expect that he will do this because he is mentally ill and always will be. Expect that he will keep obsessing over me because that is all he has done for 4 years now. Expect the worst, and then take in a deep breath when it happens and let it roll off your back.

I said that's not so easy to do. He says it's because I'm not used to doing it. He says that at the end of the day, I've allowed myself to get de-railed like this. And that I should not be allowing it. I need to accept this as part of my life because it won't change. It hasn't changed and I've been fighting it for 4 years. He says I need to find happiness within the life I have been given, even if that life has its moments of instability.

I was so mad at him. I said he didn't understand me, that he was oversimplifying things.

But I think he may be right.

Sigh.

For Those of You Who Remembered...

...That today was supposed to be the final session with the assessor, thank you. I got a few messages from a couple of friends wishing me luck for today. I love you all. I am really lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

As an update, the last session with the assessor was on Monday. They changed it for some reason. It went OK. He basically asked the children what they liked/did not like about each parent. For my ex, they said that they like that he takes them to the park and buys them toys. They don't like that he "hits" and "hurts". When they were asked about me, they said I am the best mom in the world. What they don't like about me is that while I don't get mad often, when I do, I yell and send them to their rooms. I can live with that. It's true, I do this, and at the end of the day, there are no perfect parents in this world. I don't know a parent in the world that doesn't yell at their child.

One more thing- my kids told the assessor about the "deal" that their dad made with them. Namely, if you agree not to tell the assessor any of the bad stuff I've done, I will buy you a toy. And they told him! That is just perfect for me. Now he knows they have been bribed. He deserves it.

So, Monday was OK, but other than that, I have been having a crappy week. I mean, my ex is an insane lunatic, so what do you expect? He's fighting with me through lawyers on every little thing. I feel so fed up now it's making me mental. I'm tired of all the legal correspondence. I honestly just want all this to be over. I feel I've suffered enough for an entire lifetime. Enough already.

I called the assessor's office today to find out the time line for the results. She says a few weeks. I reminded her that we go to court July 18. She told me that she doesn't think the results will be disclosed before then. Do you know what that means? It means the court date will be pushed out again. I hate my life. I actually got mad at her. I said "Oh come on. This is a no-brainer. The guy beats his kids, you know it, I know it. The judge knows we can't work together and has indicated it might go sole custody. It's not like we can give the abuser custody, so what is there to really think about?"

OK maybe not the best thing to say, but hey, it's not like they don't know how I feel already. Honestly, this is the stupidest bloody process ever. So assholes rule the world. Nice.

I feel so angry and ripped off. I feel like I am totally alone and like the world does not understand what I am going through.

And I feel like running away.

I feel so miserable tonight :(

When will this end?

One More Meeting to Go...

I got a call from the assessor's office. He has scheduled his final two hour session with the children for next Thursday. That's about a week away. After that, he needs 3 weeks to deliberate and then he will come out with a decision.

We're getting there...

I can feel the burning in my stomach. This is SO stressful. The waiting is the worst part.

Either way, this can only make things better. I keep telling myself that. All the evidence will speak for itself. The assessor cannot possibly ignore the things that he has been told. I am really hoping that I get custody out of this. I need to keep my children safe and protected. I cannot do more than I have done. I cannot spend more than I have spent. I've already stretched things too far financially.

Either way, the meeting next week will be fine. It's one on one with the children and the assessor. And children never lie. So that should be fine. It's the waiting that is painful. It's agonizing. I'm just tired of everything, and I need my life to move on, whatever that might be.

I've got my fingers crossed...

Shoe Shifting

It was a busy weekend. We had back to back events, so I'm kind of glad that's over. I accomplished one good thing this weekend- going through my closet and pulling out all the sandals and packing away the boots and the closed toe shoes. It's always a good time...means that summer is finally here. The two months of the year where everyone else around me is also eating salads. Yaay.

These days, I'm finding my anxiety is at a max. I can't sleep at night, and I have really bad headaches. I think the whole court thing and the process with the assessment is finally wearing me down. I just want it all to be over. I think that makes me pretty normal. Most people would have given up months ago. I'm still here. A bit battered and bruised from the process (well, literally too I guess), but still standing. That has to mean I'm doing something right.

It's weird. When you're this worn out, your morale goes down too. I mean, I feel stressed, tired, but I also feel like my day to day confidence is taking a hit these days. I'm always tired, so I feel out of it, which makes me feel not as bright as usual, and not as confident as usual.

I'm sure it will pass in a few weeks.

So what is July 18? I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain it. I think it's like pre-trial. We will lay all our cards on the table, and get a trial date from there.

Ex husbands suck. Marriage sucks. What a pile of mess. All over one mistake. I should have left him after the honeymoon.

Sigh. Fortunately, I have alot of supportive people around me. I'm finding my colleagues supportive as well, so that's a good thing. Friends are available, just a phone call away, so I don't feel isolated. All in all, I think I just feel really overwhelmed.

I keep telling myself this- I lived through 11 years of hell, 4 years of separation, what's a few more weeks?

5 weeks to pre-trial. And then we get a trial date. That's when the real fun begins.

Stay with me guys, I'm going to need all of you over the next few weeks. All my rocks to lean on, I'm calling you guys out in advance...

The Sad Thing About Divorce

Is that it affects the children more than we can ever know. We have no idea sometimes about how deeply it affects them, but it does.

Last night, I was playing "house" with the children. I was the baby, my son was the daddy, and my daughter was the mommy. Halfway through the game, I jokingly said to my daughter "Mommy- daddy's bothering me". Well he was. He was poking me.

My daughter's response....she stood up and turned to my son and said- get out of this house! We don't need you anymore. I want a divorce!

I was shocked. I asked her what made her think it was ok to get a divorce, just like that? Her reply was that "Mommies protect their children, and if daddies are bad, they don't belong".

I explained to her that there is a big difference between a mommy protecting a child from abuse, and a mommy kicking out a daddy just because the child was unhappy about something. I explained to her that divorce is not a good thing, and that we must avoid it as much as possible.

"Well daddy got divorced two times, and you got divorced too".

"Yes, but that was after trying for 11 years".

"Did he hit you too? Is that why it was OK for you to get a divorce?"

"Let's talk about this another time honey, Wow, look at that. It's time for bed".

I'm not ready to talk about the abuse with my children. My therapist says that I cannot and should not deny it with them because they already know. They just need me to confirm that they aren't imagining stuff.

I'm just afraid that if I do it, I will kill any chances they have for one day having a healthy bond with their dad. And I just can't live with that burden on my shoulders. So far, I have a clean heart. I did everything with integrity and I gave him plenty of chances. I won't do anything that would allow me to feel responsible for hurting the kids. I just won't.

And so I avoid certain discussions. At least for the time being.

Man these kids need therapy. :( I don't want them to grow up thinking that marriage is like a stick of chewing gum that you can spit out when it gets boring or tiresome or annoying. I want them to understand that marriage is a sacred bond that must be respected and protected.

Unless a guy hits you. Then you walk and don't look back.

OK...maybe I'M the one who still needs therapy. I don't want to be the blind leading the blind...

Sigh. It's such a long road ahead...