Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Just When you Start to Feel a Little Optimistic...

Your world comes crashing down on you. I had such a crappy day. I was supposed to be at an offsite meeting all day today. Normally that would have been a good thing. Today, just as I entered the hotel where we had our offsite, I get a call from my lawyer's office. It de-railed my day. I was an emotional mess, and I just couldn't control the tears. So I left early and went home, despite the fact that my boss and his Senior Leadership team had dinner plans tonight, and despite the fact that I had made complete arrangements for the children for the evening.

He spends loads of cash on himself, manic as he is. I mean, he just (like a month ago) moved out of his basement apartment into a lakeside condo downtown Toronto. I just found out from a real estate agent friend that the rental is $2200 per month. His car costs him $850 per month. It's not like he is living a tight lifestyle. He is living very lavishly.

But for those of you who have been watching this unfold over a few months, you know that the assessment is 6 weeks away from completion. 6 weeks and my ex is about to be busted for all his lies. I'm sure he knows this now.

So, what can a guy do when he is going through the middle of a court ordered assessment with an assessor of his choice and he realizes that things don't look good for him?

He refuses to pay the assessor. That's right. My gem of an ex husband owes the assessor $7500. Until he pays, the assessor refuses to finish the assessment. My ex claims he just doesn't have the money, and that he is broke (what- he couldn't think about that a month ago when he moved into the Lakeside property?!). I have to admit, that was smart of him. Evil, but smart. There was no other way for him to stop this thing. This must have been his plan for a few weeks now. In hindsight, I should have known he might pull something like this when the deadbeat reduced his child support payments without any reason at all, except apparently to give me a hard time and make me suffer financially.

I smell a rat. Better yet, I smell an asshole.

So here is where we stand. The court has demanded an assessment. Without it, they won't be able to change the current custody situation, which means it could remain as joint custody. The assessor needs $7500 from my ex and also my final payment which is around $3500. So that makes $11,000.

My ex claims he doesn't have the money. So if we don't finish the assessment, I've lost over 30k in legal fees for nothing. In order to finish the assessment, someone has to dish out $11,000. And he is refusing to do it. Looks like they are thinking that "somebody" has to be me.

Like I have that much kicking around?!

What a bullshit legal system. So either I pay his share, or I am SOL. The kicker- I don't have the cash to pay his share.

Some people are just a waste of oxygen.

I keep telling myself to have faith. That this will all work out for the best. It's getting harder to believe, but I haven't lost hope yet. Bad things just can't keep happening to good people. There has to be a breaking point...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Truth Comes out, if Even in Baby Steps

I saw Dr. Clive today. I actually went to treat a burn on my hand (don't ask, it's a stupid cooking burn). Dr. Clive is my inspiration and has kept me going in so many ways. Recall that Dr. Clive is my MD since I was about 3 years old. Whenever I see him, I feel content. He knows me, understands me, and believes in me. Most of all, whenever I see him, he tells me how lucky the children are to have me as a mother. That is absolutely touching. I spend so much time trying to protect my children that sometimes I forget that I am indeed a good mother. Thank God for him.

He has watched the drama of my life unfold, since I was 3 years old. Today, he told me that he wrote a letter to the assessor. Because my ex had to consent to releasing information, he was able to document details. Like my black eye when I was 8 months pregnant. Like my ex's mental illness. Like the abuse on the children. Thank God. It is all coming out.

I can almost feel the emotional freedom. I have physical freedom- no more bruises, no more black eyes. The nightmares have stopped and I fully trust the alarm system in my home. I don't even fear that my ex is stalking me anymore. I haven't found him outside my home or office. I feel semi-normal.

The only piece left is the emotional freedom. Freedom that I've told my story. Freedom that I've done my best. Freedom that he can't come after me ever again.

Either way- whether I win the case or lose it (the next court date is in July, the assessment will be complete in June), I will win something. I will be fully able to move on. My story will be told. the truth has been coming out piece by piece through the assessment. The assessment was meant to happen. I'm glad it's happening.

As emotional as it is, as draining as it is, this will all be for the best. I just know it.

Monday, April 28, 2008

What the?

I live in the twilight zone. NO - HE lives in the Twilight zone. You have to see the latest email exchange. This is too nutty not to share...


My email to him (he has the children's bikes, I wanted them back):

Hello- The children have been asking to ride their bikes. I think it might be better if we could arrange for their bikes to stay with us at my home, since they would at least get some use and the children can ride them regularly.

Could you please bring their bikes with you on Saturday to the CAS? I can get them from you at the Centre.

Thank you.


His response:

I can Not possibly understand why you would involve me in your personal household affairs? If you need to obtain bicycles for the children, why do I need to know about it? I suggest that you manage your own household affairs without involving me. I certainly do Not burden you with managing my household issues. I manage my own affairs, including as it relates to the children when they are in my household. Likewise, it is None of your concern how I manage my household as this is my private life. I will remind you that we are Not married anymore and I am Not your husband. It is Not my concern what you provide or do Not provide for the children. My only concern is for the safety and well-being of the children. Beyond that, it is your choice to provide or Not to provide bicycles for the children in your household… as long as the bicycles meet appropriate safety standards and do Not injure the children from being either too large or too small. It is completely up to you how and where you get bicycles from… do Not involve me.

Perhaps you should re-evaluate your circular thinking and adopt a linear thought pattern where you realize that we are Not together anymore.

WHAT THE HELL? It's like I say I need the bikes and he says "There are butterflies in the sky". I don't get it. Oh and by the way dude, I TOTALLY get that we are not together. That's just what I've been fighting for 4 years to get through your head!

My response:

I am shocked by your email. I simply asked if you had the children's bicycles. I would remind you that in our separation agreement we had agreed that the children's possessions belonged with the children, meaning wherever they were staying.

Last summer, we even sent rollerblades back and forth so they could rollerblade with both parents depending on who they were with. The bikes were originally with me, and then we agreed to keep them at your place. Now, since they are not with you unsupervised, it makes sense to keep them at my place so they can get some use.

I'm not sure why I am getting such a hostile response to such a simple request. If you are refusing to return the children's bikes to us, just say so, but if I recall, we purchased them together so they do not belong to you.

_________

And then I forwarded the entire exchange to the assessor.
What, like you wouldn't do it? He has sent one too many crazy emails to me. It's about time somebody somewhere see his absolute craziness.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

I Don't Want to See You

I find it interesting that children can be so very smart. Sometimes, no matter how much you think they cannot see through things, you learn that they are a better judge of character than adults can ever be.

I was afraid that the children would now be fooled by their dad. I mean, it's been months since they have been alone with him. They only see him if they are supervised, and although I don't know what really goes on, I'm pretty confident that he is on his best behavior when he is forced to be a lab rat watched and scrutinized by the CAS.

My fear was that since he is supervised, he is on his best behavior, so the children may let down their guard and act differently around him. Now of course, it is a GOOD thing if they can have a new relationship with their dad. That is what I would love to see. I would only ever want a healthy bond between the children and their dad. But right now, when I want the courts to know how he is, and that he needs help, I don't want him "fooling" anyone while being observed. My bigger concern was not so much the CAS visits, but the assessment sessions, when the assessor is watching him with the children. I expressed my concern to the assessor, that while he observes the children, they will be all happy and lighthearted around him, only because he hasn't been able to hurt them in the past few months. I mean, what if the children just think he is " better" now, and so nothing comes out in the sessions? The assessor assured me that he is a professional, and that if nothing else, the behavior of the children around their dad will be very different than it is with me. I think he's right about that, and so I felt better.

Then yesterday, I took the kids for their visit with their dad. We got to the centre, went inside, and my son said "I don't want to go". Right in front of the supervisor. I was shocked. We asked him why. He said he just didn't feel like seeing his dad. I was shocked. I ended up having to leave, but when I did pick up the children I asked what happened. My son's answer "He may not hit us anymore, but he still gets angry easily and yells and gets mad alot". Wow. I'm wondering if the CAS is making note of all this? I mean, how sad it would be if the children are picking up on his temperament but the CAS isn't? I can only do one thing at this point- trust the system. Hopefully everything is getting noticed.

Then today, I took the children to see their dad. I explained to them that today they would have to do homework with their dad. My son had a full on temper tantrum. He told me that he doesn't want to do homework with his dad, that his dad is mean, that he doesn't know how to teach children, that he has no patience. I explained that this is why he has to do homework with the children, so that he can learn how to do this task without losing it. My son refused.

As it turns out, they never got the chance to do homework together. My ex refused to do it. I will be calling the case worker tomorrow to report this. In the meantime, I can only hope it got noted by the person who was supervising. I asked the children what he said, and they told me he said "Your mom never asked me to do homework, and I am not your mother. That is her job". Actually, the case worker should have told him to do homework, so I don't know what he is talking about. I will clear all this up tomorrow.

I am surprised. Children really are smarter than adults. I find that they "feel" their way around. They don't do things based on what they are told. They have a really awesome sixth sense about them, and it is usually very accurate.

Like I said, I sit, I wait, and I trust in the system. I will have an answer to all this in June. Two months to go.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Escaping Mr. Bipolar

I had a scary thought. Wouldn't it be freaky if the thing that I am running from comes back to haunt me later? I left my ex husband because I could not handle his instability, his mood swings, the abuse, the rage. Now, after reading up on it and studying it, I see that it passes down from male to male most commonly. My biggest fear- God forbid that my son grow into his teenage years and develop the same thing.

Sometimes, when you run from something that you were meant to face, you end up facing it again in your life. I ran from a crazy lunatic. I just pray that I won't ever have to face it again. Better yet, I pray that I faced it as much as I was supposed to and that this part of my spiritual/emotional/mental journey is complete.

Then again, I have in my life, met many bipolar people since my separation. Some are doctors, lawyers, CEOs. One key difference- they accept the condition that they have and do everything that they can to treat it. They stay on their medication, and they go to regular therapy. They don't try to run from it.

I don't have any reason to fear anything for my son. He seems like a pretty normal child, and a happy one for the most part. It's just that I know this thing starts up in the teenage years, and our MD has warned me that there is always a chance (albeit slim). I just hope and pray that I don't have to ever face this again in my life. Quite frankly, I've had enough.

Just another one of those fears that makes me lose sleep at night I guess...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Is he Your Boyfriend?

My son's question a few days ago about Mr. NYC. Now for those of you who know me, culturally, the whole dating thing is a major NO-NO. The word boyfriend makes my friends freak out. I avoid using the word around them out of fear of being judged. I often refer to him by his name, or as someone that I am "seeing".

I was totally shocked when my son asked me this. I kept thinking back to things I have said, wondering if I have said anything inappropriate around him. I've been very careful to describe him only as a friend. But kids can be really smart. So I asked him what made him think that Mr. NYC might be my boyfriend, and he said "You smile whenever he calls and you talk differently to him than you do to others".

Kids are too smart for their own good.

I basically responded that he is a very close friend. I was really surprised to see the disappointment on his face. I asked him what was wrong. And he responded that he was hoping I would say yes he is my boyfriend.

"But why? What would that mean?"

"It would mean you would marry him".

"You WANT me to marry him?"

"Yes"

"But why?"

And here is the kicker....."Because I want him to be my father"...

Not stepfather. He said father. I was shocked, and saddened. That is just sad in so many ways. It's sad that he has such a crappy father to begin with, it's sad that he is lacking the male role model in his life, and it's sad that he would so easily let someone step in and take that role. I mean, not entirely bad from a moving on perspective for me, whenever or IF ever I am ready for that, but really, yeah, it's just sad.

As hard as I try, and as much as I think I am a decent parent, I can never fill the void of both a mother and father. It's just a shame that he has the dad that he has. Any other man and this divorce could have been easier on my son.

But this is the challenge I am given, and these are the cards I have been dealt. And so, I keep moving forward, trying to make the best of it, doing the best I can, with whatever resources I have available to me. Let's hope it all works out for the best where the children are concerned. We will only know the real impacts of this when they get older, like in their teenage years.

Either way, I keep trying, and praying. The rest is out of my hands.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A Small Relief

The assessor gave me a small hint of hope yesterday. He said that he has been reading the reports from our marriage counsellors, from doctors, etc. who have written in at his request. I asked what they said, he said he wouldn't tell me just yet. I asked if there was anything he could share. Then he told me that there was one consistent theme- that all the past medical records are showing that my ex admitted to being abusive physically towards me. He said he found it interesting, because up until now, he has been denying the abuse, but now there is more than one source with the same story.

I cannot tell you how relieved I felt.

I came home last night feeling like someone had set me free. Like after all these years of him denying what he did to me, he won't be able to deny it anymore. It's like instant therapy. It's like, validation I guess. Like I can tell the world "See, I'm not crazy. This really happened."

Up until now, I felt like I was the only one who knew it happened. Like the rest of the world was wondering if I was telling the truth or making it up. Now I feel like he can't lie. He will have to face up to what he is, what he has been all along.

Almost like judgement day.

I feel like I could cry from the relief.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Supershaz...

Today I worked like an ox. I got alot accomplished, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I was supposed to go to the gym, but I was still exhausted from yesterday's workout, so I passed.

I am supergirl. Today I...
  • Made breakfast for the children
  • Cleaned the kitchen
  • Did homework with the children
  • Took them to see their dad
  • Spent 2 hrs documenting stuff in an email for my lawyer
  • Did grocery shopping
  • Did homework with the children (again)
  • Cooked dinner
  • Cleaned the kitchen (again)
  • Washed and folded 3 loads of laundry
  • cleaned the main floor of the house
  • Prepared some documents for the assessor
  • And now I am finishing off a document for my boss (the same one I was working on yesterday)
All in a day's work. They should give out trophys to single moms. I get tired just reading this list :)

And my reward for today was:
  • A feeling of accomplishment
  • Tons of hugs from my son who told me that I am not only the best mother, but the nicest person in the world (everyone say awwwww....)
  • 10 minutes of tickling and burst of laughter with my daughter
  • Oodles of smiles from the children- I LOVE them so much!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Simple Moments...

Ever have one of those absolutely delicious moments, where you feel so happy for NO REASON at all? I'm having one of those. In fact, I've been enjoying it for about two hours of pure bliss.

I am sitting at a Starbucks Cafe, on my laptop, working (office stuff), on a couch by the window, soaking in the sun and sipping my favourite latte. And despite the fact that I am doing office work, I am happy, and it is the simplest of pleasures that has brought me this happiness. I feel like I had a great day, and that I deserve a good moment. And I think I'm right.

This weekend so far has been a good one:
  • I worked late yesterday, and cleared my office inbox. It has been eating on my nerves for weeks and although working that late is not a regular habit, I did this for the sole, selfish reason of lifing the burden on my shoulders of 180 unread emails. Mission accomplished, burden lifted.
  • I took my son for his Tae Kwon Do test at 9:30 this morning. I watched attentively as he earned his green belt. I was thoroughly impressed as I saw his passion. And, as he sparred, I felt satisfied that by the time he is 13, he may be a black belt, and if that father of his dares to touch him when he is 13, well, let's just say he will be able to protect himself. Mommy can't always be there, but I feel good knowing he will one day be safe, even if I am not around. By sending him for Tae Kwon Do, I'm giving him the tools to protect himself. And yes, he got his green belt today :)
  • After that, I took my children to see their father at the supervision centre. I feel good that they are safe, and that they can have some time with their dad. He is, after all, their father, and so, we must all learn to deal with him in some capacity or another. The fact that they can have a good relationship while being safe and protected is as perfect as that can be.
  • While they were visiting their dad, I went to the gym and had what I think might have been the most intense workout of my life. 500 calories and a few buckets of sweat later, I picked up the children and went home to take a shower. What an awesome feeling! There is something so incredible about feeling the beads of sweat on your body and feeling the water wash them away. I just can't explain it.
  • I got a phone call from my former brother in law about two hours ago. He is the one I get alone with. He is also the one that does not get along with my ex. He called to see how the children were doing. On that call, he asked if I was happy. I said yes. He said that he was happy to hear it, and that in all the years we have known eachother, he knows I would never do anything to hurt others, and that I am fair. So whatever I am doing must be the right thing. Then he asked if he could see the children. I said absolutely. I will take them over in a few weeks. What a lovely call!
  • Next, I dropped the children off at a birthday party and came here to Starbucks to finish a document for my boss (no I don't mind working today). And I just realized, this is a really really awesome moment.
  • And as I type this, I just got a call from Mr. NYC, who is currently overseas in Dubai. He was just about to go to sleep and called to say good night :)
Top that... :)

Isn't it amazing how sometimes the smallest of things can bring us the biggest burst of happiness? I am SO grateful for this weekend