Thursday, February 28, 2008

One Small Win

One small step at a time...

Today I had one small win. Small in the grand scheme of the money I've spent in court, and the time it has taken, but this is big to me. Today, I learned that I can finally do small things to protect the children. And I learned that no matter what, I can hope and believe that the children will be ok.

I spoke to the CAS today. They strongly advised my ex that he should agree with supervised access voluntarily. And he did. So now, for the next few months, he will see the children at a centre supervised by the CAS. He will see them for two hours on Saturdays and two hours on Sundays for a period of a few months, and then it will move to semi supervised and then eventually unsupervised. They were even smart enough to say that he would need to spend some of the time doing homework with the children, since that was one of the issues in the past. He is unable to handle the stressful situations so they will want to monitor his behaviour for the next while, including during stressful scenarios. But in the meantime, I can rest for a few months knowing that the children are safe. That is a total God-send.

I will have the court case running for the next little while, but at least things will go smoothly with respect to the children's safety in the interim. It's taken alot of time to get here, but thank God it happened at last.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Family Day

Well, at least I spent Family Day with family...

I spent the morning with the children, just reading books, eating breakfast, and basically cuddling :). Around noon, I got a call from my mother, who was still not feeling well, and apparently her health was deteriorating. She was vomiting again, and cramping up and still couldn't even keep water down. My mother, who ignores all illnesses anytime, even if she is badly ill, asked for me to take her to the hospital. I knew that she was in bad shape, because Mom would never ask to go to a hospital, let alone willingly.

We got to the hospital around 1pm. We were seen by the doctor at 6pm. The doctor was shocked that she was still sick, and referred her to another doctor, recommending that she get admitted. He put her in the waiting room in a chair, but had her put on a drip with medecine to stop the vomiting. (the drip did not help). The second doctor requested xrays and bloodwork. She was seen by the second doctor at midnight. She was admitted to the hospital, and had to wait (in the waiting room) until 2am for a bed. Gotta love our backlogged health care system...

When I got home, my son woke up with a fever and started vomiting. I finally got to bed at 4am, and then woke up again at 6 to go to work. My son looked better so I took him to school. While in a meeting, at 11am, I got a call from the school telling me to come back and get my son, as he was sick. I got back to the school, picked up my son and made an appt for him to see the doctor. In the meantime, I called the hospital to see if I could visit my mom. She has been put into one of those quarantined wards, which means that she cannot have any visitors. Poor mom.

The doctor says my son has the flu, and that it might develop into a stomach flu. I have to keep an eye on it. I am SO tired and a bit worried, as I cannot keep missing work.

Let's pray that everyone gets better soon.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Our First Family Day Weekend

I'm grateful for the long weekend. This is the time of year where most Canadians are going crazy from all the crappy weather. I think I read last year that depression and suicide rates go up in February. That is scary.

Anyhow, it's great to have a long weekend, but I would really love to have some sunshine. I'll take what I can get for the time being.

Mom is starting to feel a bit better. She gave us all a bit of a scare. Apparently, she has the virus that has forced the credit valley hospital to close down 2 wards. The only difference is that while it lasts about 3 days for most people, it hit her for 10. I suspect that has alot to do with the fact that she is diabetic and that all her sugar levels are messed up. Fortunately, yesterday, she was able to keep one meal down, so I've got my fingers crossed that the worst is over.

As for this weekend, I spent today with a close friend, helping him run errands before he goes away to visit his family abroad. The children seemed to be ok with it, and I think they enjoyed the time together. One funny thing that I have observed with the children is that they love any activities which include one of my male friends. Sadly, I think they really miss the "family" feel, and even when it's not a parter/husband/etc, I think they just feel comfortable with the male presence in their lives. I'm just grateful that I have awesome male friends that can help me fill that gap. One downside- almost always, at the end of a day like that, one of the children will ask why I won't marry that friend. I reply that he is just a friend. Today my daughter asked " But can't you marry a friend?". I had to explain that yes of course you can, but I won't be marrying this friend. Sigh. Either way, I still think that despite these questions, it is still better for my children to have a male presence through my friends. You should see the sense of calm and contentment they get when we have those days with a male figure. Kind of sad isn't it? Thank God for these friends. Bless 'em...

On another note, I got an email from my ex this morning. He says he has a birthday party to go to on Sunday and that he wants the children on Sunday/Monday. Honestly, he is such a pest. I replied that no, I have plans with the children, and that given recent events, I do not feel right sending the children to him. In the future, our lawyers need to decide what to do with access, he cannot email and harass me like this.

Later on, when I was shopping with my friend and the children, my ex called again. He wanted to speak to the children, and then with me. What ticked me off is that he told my son that there was a birthday party and that I was not letting them go. So my son asked me if he could go. The only response I could give is that he cannot go, and that these decisions are adult discussions at this point. Honestly, my ex is a total pain in the butt. So, next my ex spoke to me, and insisted that I let the children go with him. I said no. Then he basically blamed me for the continuous escalations of our matter. He said that I created the hostility and that I am making it worse. I reminded him that I am not the one hurting the children. He said yes he made a mistake but I am making it worse. Thankfully, my friend quietly told me to hang up and end the call. He was SO right. I took his advice and that was that.

I am totally hoping this will end soon.

One issue though- my son told my ex that I would be taking him to the autoshow tomorrow. That is a problem. The last thing I need is to have my ex show up there to stalk us. One option is to go on Monday instead. Another is to go on Sunday anyways and tell my ex to take a hike if we see him (which may not be a good idea with the children present). Another option is not to go at all (although I hate the thought of him being able to change my plans like that). Sigh. I'll figure that one out tomorrow.

Friday, February 15, 2008

CAS Transfer Visit #2

My lawyer called me around noon today. She said that she got a letter from my ex's lawyer and that since the CAS investigation is over, he wants the children this weekend. Obviously he is on crack. Anyhow, she replied to them, saying that since she received this last minute on a Friday, and since I have plans for the weekend, this is not acceptable. We will have to discuss the matter further next week.

I also had a transfer visit from the CAS at 3pm today. This time, it was for the new worker to meet the children. It went fine. She spent time getting to know them better. She has agreed to let us use her supervision facility. Here is the kicker- but she is NOT able to enforce supervised access. I just don't get it. Here is an organization that is renound for apprehending children, yet they cannot seem to protect mine. What the hell is up with that?

Anyhow, basically, I need to speak to my lawyer next week. Since the CAS is not enforcing supervision (or apparently not able to enforce it), and since their case is now closed, I am in breach of a court order by not sending the children to my ex. I need to find out from my lawyer if either A) my ex can willingly consent to supervised access at a centre for a certain period of time or B) if we need to go back to court and get a supervision order from a judge. What a waste of time and money. I SO picked the worst man to marry. What a screwed up existence I am leading. Make one mistake and pay a lifetime for it. Sigh.

Thank God for the long weekend ahead.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

I turned 36 on Saturday. I didn't have any plans this year, I was actually planning to spend it with my family. None of my friends remembered my birthday, (OK, well, two of them did call/email), so that was a bit lonely. I'm over it. That's how it goes I guess. Anyhow, I was hoping to spend the day with family, but my mom got sick.

She has a stomach virus, and normally that shouldn't be a big deal, but she is diabetic, and not eating/drinking for 3 days pushed her sugar levels to 4x the normal levels. We had to put her on an IV on Saturday, and she was brought home on Sunday. She was feeling better yesterday (Sunday) but is again worse today. If she doesn't get better by tomorrow morning, we will get her back to the hospital again for another IV drip. I've got my fingers crossed.

It was sad and scary seeing my mom in the hospital. When she said "I feel bad you have to be here with me on your birthday", I told her "Why? This is where it all started. I was born in a hospital, and we were here together. It's appropriate that I spend my birthday by your side".

Moms are precious. We need to do everything we can to be there with them when they need us.

On another note, I got an amazing email from a friend that brought me to tears. I was supposed to visit her on Sunday, but had to cancel because of my mom. She just emailed me and said she had baked a cake for my birthday. How totally sweet. I was teary eyed when I read the email. I feel so touched that she remembered, and that she made the effort.

I did also get flowers from Mr. NYC. Hooray for the awesome man in my life :) He gave me a present when he was here last week. Two brownie points for Mr. NYC! :)

As for the rest of life, I had another meeting with the assessor. He asked for a chronology of my relationship with my ex, from the start. I told the story right from when we met to our honeymoon and the first black eye. The funny thing is, I've never had to tell everything to anyone before- like, in order. Including how I felt, why I didn't leave, and why I married him in the first place. There are alot of things I couldn't remember, but he MADE me remember them. Things I would rather have forgotten. It was very emotional for me, and I found myself crying the whole way home.

This whole process is bloody draining. I feel totally spent.

And think...there are at least another two months of this left to go. I'm tired already. I've been telling my story for years, but this is just a whole lot more emotional.

Friday, February 08, 2008

The Transfer Visit

I had a visit with CAS. It was to transfer the file to the ongoing case worker. It went fine, and the new worker seemed very nice. I had previously raised the issue that the access center I had called had refused to take us, because there was a worker already involved. Turns out, these workers have now decided to let us use their private access center. They will speak to my ex next week, and set all this up sometime in weeks to come. He will be allowed to see the children for 2hrs a week, with the hope of moving to semi-supervised visits and then putting him on a program to eventually not need the visits anymore. The CAS will stay involved in our case until April, when we are hoping the assessment will be complete.

Keep your fingers crossed. I'm drained already, and there is such a long road ahead.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Another Week in Review

Honestly, these days I am just too tired to blog. Here is an update of the week:
  • We started the assessment process. It's stressful, but this is my last hope for Justice. Keep your fingers crossed. The assessor has lots of experience, so I'm hoping he can spot the bipolar disorder.
  • The assessment will involve inconveniencing my family and friends, as they will have to also meet the assessor. But I guess that's part of life.
  • My lawyer has sent a letter to my ex's lawyer outlining that if he wants to see the kids, it will have to be in an access center.
  • In the meantime, I contacted CAS for further information around center hours, etc. They advised me (and this is SO stupid) that the access centers are a different division of the CAS. So to use an access centre, you must not have any other CAS involvement. Since we have been assigned a permanent social worker for the next few months (due to so many cases being opened), we are not eligible for use of the access center. I mean seriously- WTF?! So I'm not sure what to do now. I called the CAS where the social worker is and told them of my dilemma. Not sure if they can help me but this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life. Stupidest. Hands down. If I had a choice between which CAS services are more important, I would choose the access center over the useless social worker, but I don't have a say. Somebody save me please.
  • To de-stress a bit, I had a most lovely visit from Mr. NYC. Thank God for small bouts of stability. We had a nice weekend. He's going to be in Pakistan next week, so he will miss my birthday. I'm glad I got to see him this weekend. The kids enjoyed spending time with him too :)