Bad Behaviour Wins Again

This court process and the process of acquiring documentation and so on made me realize something. The worse one behaves, the more he intimidates those around him. If one can manage to behave badly enough, he will eventually get his way because those around him will either be to embarrassed to deal with him, or too afraid of him.

I have two people in my life who have expressed that they will not help me. The reason? My ex acts out. He either acts crazy and does stupid, embarrassing things that normal people wouldn't do like lash out at people by contacting their extended families, coworkers, and friends and getting these people involved. Or he gets angry and then becomes a threat to others. People don't want to be at the receiving end of his craziness, or of his temper. I guess they don't want the guilt by association, and naturally they don't want to get hurt or have their family or friends hurt.

This leaves me in a bit of a predicament. After all, if I need the help of those around me, I either have to find people emotionally strong enough to stand up to the jerk, or courageous enough to handle him if he lashes out. There are not too many of these people around, and fewer in the desi community that has witnessed everything firsthand. Desis by nature like to hide their dirty laundry. They hate having others talk badly about them. They hate controversy. They are the first to turn a blind eye. So what ends up happening is that people like myself end up SOL.

Interestingly enough, I've found support from the least expected sources. Two of them were close to me, and so their supported was somewhat expected. One source was a most unexpected person who has the most to lose, but had the courage enough to know the consequences to me if she didn't step forward. For this, I will be eternally grateful. But at the end of the day, it is sad to see that some are, well, influenced by my ex husband. I understand it, but I don't agree with it. Here's why- as long as the jerks of this world get to intimidate people, women in situations like my own will never be free. And our friends and community are actually contributing to the problem.

I had a friend who recently filed for an annulment. She is a practicing Christian and according to her beliefs, she cannot remarry unless she has an annulment. In order to get an annulment, she needed people to testify to the Christian group around the events that led to her separation, and what she considered to be a divorce (she has now re-found her faith and needs the annulment as a result). When I went in to testify, they explained that it would be tape recorded and he would have my name and info. For a split second, naturally, the thought crossed my mind that 'hey-what if he comes after me?' but only for a second. After that, I realized 'too bad. That's what the police are for. I'll deal with that when or if it happens'. Unfortunately, it's not that cut and dry for everyone, and we don't have the right to expect it to be. We all live differently, and have different priorities. Our past experiences shape us and our thinking. Nobody can slight another for this.

I actually for the first time understand why we are supposed to speak out when we see a wrong doing. If we don't speak out against an injustice, it's like we supported it. Or, in this case, facilitated it to continue.

If women are left high and dry when they need people to come forward to speak out, then I think the community needs to "own" part of the reason they are down in the first place. In my case, I'm lucky. I have a few people around that won't let me fall. But there are others who will protect themselves first, even at the expense of children. Like I said, I understand the decision, but I don't agree with it.

Imagine a woman who has a limited network. Imagine if she has one or two friends who know the details around what an abusive husband did to her. Now imagine that the husband threatens to do something to those friends if they speak out, and so they don't. The woman now has to suffer as do the children. She has no way out. Who do you blame? The ex? The friends? Society? The system?

It's an interesting dilemma. I'm one of the lucky ones, because despite those who turned away, there were a few willing to help. What happens to those that have nobody left to help?

For the first time, I'm realizing the true complexity of the issue. It's scary, and it's one that I don't quite know how we as a society can resolve. Perhaps restraining orders need to apply to women, and their friends, and the families of those friends? I'm sure some would say this is too big a violation on a person's liberties. Then again, should we care about the liberties of jerky abusive husbands? How can we help women who have been abused? How do we protect those that are willing to help them?

Great Wolf Lodge

I took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend. They had a total blast. I'm glad we were able to go. I actually booked it months ago so we could take some time to ourselves, and paid for it a few months back too, before all this court stuff started up. I have to say, the timing was perfect, cuz I needed the break too. And time to play at the water park was perfect for the kids.

I also took the kids to Ripley's and they totally loved it. I was a bit afraid that they might get bored there, because it is more like a museum (you read stuff and walk around), but they were great. We got home tonight (we were only gone for one night), but I am so exhausted. Right now, I am letting the kids stay up late to watch the Antz movie with me on TV tonight, but I'll have them in bed soon. After they are asleep, I'll have finish off some paperwork for the upcoming court case.

I'm off work next week, so I have a bit of time to mentally prepare before we file our responding documents, but since my lawyer wants all my stuff by Tuesday, I have to get the finishing touches in tonight.

Never a dull moment.

Served at Last

Not by me, but by her. I'm so glad. He deserves it. Shame on him for beating up women. I'd like to see him pick a fight with a man his own size. He wouldn't dare. That's because he is a total coward.

I spoke to his (almost) ex wife. He has been served her documents for divorce and yes, the emergency restraining order that got granted two days ago. I have a lot of respect for her. She's a hundred times smarter than I was. I stuck around for 11 years. She walked after four months. He was just as brutally abusive to her as he was to me. She made the same mistake as me and didn't press charges, but at least she had the sense to leave and get a restraining order. I had one when I left him in 2004 but stupidly enough I lifted it after he went on his meds and seemed normal again.

Would you believe he threatened to have me killed? I mean- told his wife that he wanted to hire someone to kill me. Told her. His wife. That he wanted to have his EX WIFE, the mother of his children, killed. How stupid could a man be?

Sigh. I'm hoping that this will soon be over. I go to court Sept 13. He won't get served my documents for another week. That will only be the beginning. I think I have a year of court dates ahead of me. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. I'm going to do this right once and for all.

Oh and pray one for Fatima too. She just might be my new hero. She had the courage to do what I couldn't do. I know full well what she went through. I went through it too. Nobody deserves that. Nobody.

Just Watch the Game, Crackerjack.

He sends me hostile emails demanding that I make sure I show up to the soccer games. I get text messages, I get voice mails. I get harassed. He copies his lawyer. Why the hell doesn't the lawyer tell him to back off? My guess is that his lawyer is a crackerjack too.

So I go to the games, with the kids. He shows up. He tries to layer on the public displays of affection to show how great a dad he is is. Pull ease. I'm about to puke. Do you remember to display that same affection when you're beating on my children? You're a jerk.

Anyhow, buddy comes to the game, waves at the child who is playing and then picks up the other child and walks away. Like last week, he took my daughter FROM MY LAP and walked to the park to play. I am left with two choices. Turn into psycho bitch in front of everyone, or keep silent. I keep silent.

But here is what happens. The child who is playing gets sad. "Mommy, why doesn't he watch my game?" I don't have an answer. I can't say the truth. The truth is that he is a jerk who is coming just so he can harass me, stalk me, and try to gain extra time with the other child. Or maybe just to prove a point. It has nothing to do with wanting to watch you play soccer.

Sad. Why can't Mr. Crackerjack just watch the freaking game? Why can't he be normal for just one day? Is that too much to ask?

Mattel Recall

I just spent 20 minutes going through the Mattel site. I am not impressed. I mean, they are handling it as best as they can, but to be honest, this is my little girl. We didn't buy some cheapo toy, this was Mattel for Pete's sake. She played with that Polly Pocket Snow Hotel for a long time...with her brother! Both of them! I mean, I can go and pull all the parts together and ship it back to them (once they send me the return info), but man...this is just way to scary.

It does give their brand quite the hit though. I buy Mattel cuz its supposed to be best. I won't see them that way anymore, even though we all know mistakes can happen to the best of us. But even knowing it wasn't deliberate, I still feel that it wasn't cautious enough.

It will take a heck of a long time for them to earn back their reputation with me. I guess that eliminates half the toy market. There was most definitely a quality control issue, and although it is ultimately Mattel's fault for not managing the quality...I wonder if poisonous paint would have been used in the US or Canada? It's possible. For now, the main thing I'm hearing is that going after cheap labor costed us something here, and that still falls on Mattel. (Funny how none of these parents take issue with the fact that there are actually KIDS making these toys for other kids- that should be an issue too).

I know we have recall on North American made products all the time...it's the poisoning point that I'm having a major issue with at the moment. Had they been just loose parts, I wouldn't have felt so strongly...

I know- I sound unreasonable. I'm just annoyed and venting. I have the creeps from thoughts of my kids playing with stupid polly pocket and then eating with those hands. I tell them to wash first, but sometimes, kids put their hands in their mouths etc. ....I know...being paranoid. I'll stop.

The Daily Show did do a funny spot on the topic though. All that stuff about the Chinese kids deliberately poisoning our lazy, spoiled, North American kids...hilarious.

Where did the Summer Go?

It's a tough one when you can actually look at two months and wonder what the heck happened to them. My children have been off for July and August. They go back to school in two weeks. My little baby girl starts grade 1 and all of a sudden has anxiety over the fact that she's never been to public school. I decided to take the last week August off. My first day off is next week Friday, and then I'm off for the following week, and for the first day of school. My agenda- let the kids do whatever they want.

I was going to plan "day trips" to the zoo etc, but I realized that they have been in summer camp- they've been doing all those day trips every day without a break. When I pick my son up from camp each day- he asks if he can go home and play outside with all the other kids. That's what summer vacation is supposed to be about, and they don't get to do it. I think I'm going to spend the last week at home, with the kids, doing whatever they want. I can read with them, I can fix the garden/lawn while they play outside, they can run in the sprinkler, play in the sandbox, or we can go roller blading. I'm looking forward to the downtime myself. It's been really busy at the office and I haven't had much breathing time since I started my new job. As interesting as it's been, I would love the time just to veg out. And, I plan to take my kids to school on their first day, pick them up, bring them home, and learn all about what they are doing.

On other fronts, I think things are going OK. I'm starting to realize that it will take me about 3-5 years to pay off legal fees for this court battle. It's unfortunate, but I don't see much of a choice at the moment. Let's see how that goes. I'm hopeful that it will go well, but I'm not a lawyer. It's been slow moving up until now...we don't even have a court date yet, but it will come up soon I think. Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck. The more things get closer to going somewhere, the more I start to realize that the system has failed me on so many fronts, that it is a bit foolish to think it will help me now. But I am human, and so, I keep hopeful...