Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Good things come in threes

The 3rd piece of the same advice came today. Whatever is happening is happening for a reason. I never chose to marry a stalker. I never asked for him to be this cruel. I just kind of fell into it.

I keep flipping from angry to depressed to scared to (sometimes) patient. Mr. NYC told me to be more grateful. My girlfriend told me to have faith and patience. Today another friend told me to trust in God. He said that things may not always seem fair when we look at them, but in the long run, they will make sense. Maybe he's right.

I often thought to myself that hey-I was a devout Muslim. I wore a Hijaab. I prayed 6 times a day. I gave to charity. I never cheated others. I was (and still am) a horrible liar. I can't lie. I can't cheat. So why me?

Then I thought...I spent all those years praying for God to change things. For my ex to change and become the man I always wanted. For him to realize that I was worth the effort, that there would be nobody better than me for him, that even if he didn't do it for himself, he should do it for me. That change never occurred in him, and as the years went by, I became resentful and bitter, not to mention angry towards God.

Then I escaped. I was hopeful again, thinking that maybe this would be over. Maybe I can start a new life even with the "baggage" that I carried with me- two scarred children, myself emotionally a mess, afraid of relationships, afraid of men, insecure and without confidence in myself. But I survived. I went to therapy, healed emotionally, no longer have to cover up bruises with foundation as I dress for work every morning. I no longer have to wonder what mood I will come home to at night. I no longer have a packed backpack in my closet in case of an emergency, with money and overnight clothes and a credit card. All I have left is yes, a stalker, and a man who does threaten my life. As scary as that is, it is still a million percent better than where I was three years ago, because I lived with him, and had nowhere to hide. But now I have hope...

Maybe God does answer prayers. But maybe we just don't realize it. Maybe this is his way of taking me away from a bad situation. Maybe my ex is not meant to change. Maybe he has different plans for him. Maybe I am meant to help others in this situation. Who knows WHY it turned out this way, but either way, I think my prayers were answered, not exactly as I prayed them, but I did want it to end, and really- it did. Maybe I was just to ungrateful to see it.

I guess I need to be more thankful. Despite the fact that yes, I am about to lose another 20-30k in legal fees (money that I don't have), maybe 5 years from now, that won't be the big piece. Maybe the bigger piece will be the story I have to tell, and how I share it back with the community, with other women who have children in similar situations. Maybe that will be my calling and this is the only way to get me there...

My friend was right...at the end of the day, what does my ex really have left? I mean, he can harass me, he may even try to kill me- it's definitely possible. But at the same time, I'm doing everything I can to protect myself. Yes, the system is NOT helping, but I can't say I've missed any options. If after trying everything, nothing works, then perhaps it wasn't meant to.

Ten years from now, my children will know their father for what he is. Actually, 6 years from now, my son will be able to choose where he wants to live. He will be strong enough to speak out against his father's actions. Maybe that is when I am meant to be totally free. Once I have fully taught my children to use their voices and speak out, even if it against their own father.

And another thing- my friend today was right- no matter how bad things may seem for me, it isn't like my ex has it easy. I keep saying that I am the one suffering, but my ex isn't scott free. He has no friends, no family, nobody on his side. He lost his family, he can't hold down a job, and he cannot live life happily, because he has no mental peace. Yes, he created it himself, yes he is his own worst enemy, but I am wrong when I say he has it easy and I have it hard. At the end of the day, this will pass for me, but his life will not change, because he hasn't put in the work to change it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for him, (he has, after all, ruined my life), but I am realizing that I may be a tad off the mark when I say that God has me suffering, and my ex living it up.

So I guess that ten years down the road, the whole picture will be fully visible, when I will (hopefully) be in a better space. We all reap the rewards of what we sow. So maybe, keeping on track, and holding to my faith isn't such a bad thing after all.

I just need my friends to help keep me here, and to give me a hand whenever I fall....Thanks guys. God Bless.

Monday, June 18, 2007

His Obsession

That's what it feels like anyways. It's crazy how my life turned out. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve this, and then I think, it's not that I deserve it, it's that we were all given different strengths and different tests in life. For me, this will be mine. Mr. NYC often reminds me to be more grateful. He says that as hard as it is sometimes, I need to look at what I have. He says "What happened to that girl that I met who looks at the silver lining? Come on Shaz- your community and friends supported you (including most of your ex's friends), your children adore you, your career is going well, and you have someone in your life who loves you. What more could you want? Would you rather be given the test of a fatal health problem? Please don't be ungrateful."

Maybe he's right, but it's still hard.

So here is the latest...
  • My ex and his wife are separated (I know...I'm not surprised either, he is what he is, right?)
  • He has basically told people that he does not intend to let me be happy or to move on with my life- I can NEVER move away from this area, get married, date, etc.
  • Instead of focusing on her he is focused on me and the kids
  • He's more obsessed with me than ever
  • He is trying to get custody of the kids
  • I know people who have very damning evidence. Now I just need them to be willing to share. Otherwise, he gets off and my kids get hurt. You know I'm right- they aren't safe around him. I left because he choked my son for refusing to eat dinner remember? I've started documenting stuff, but I need the world to help me tell the story, that he is a consistently psychotic person. I need everyone's help. And, we need to share it with other women, so they don't make my mistakes, and so the system doesn't make it worse for them like it did to me.
  • I am taking a different route to work everyday to cover my tracks
  • I've informed the kids' schools to stay on high alert and to contact the police if they see him
It's so weird. I keep wondering why he is so obsessed. Why can't he just move on and forget about me forever? Why is he tied to me like this? I just want to be happy and free. I left for a reason...and I'm still waiting for the freedom. It's sad. And this from a woman who has resources, friends, family, a job. What if I were earning 20k and new to the country with no family or friends? What then?

The scary thing is- there are so many people who have witnessed his craziness, so many who have seen it first hand. So many who have heard him threaten to do me harm, but none who are brave enough to come forward. What's up with that?

At the end of the day, I think the biggest disappointment I have is with some of the males around me, who are too cowardly to step forward and help me out of fear that they will suffer his backlash. I mean, I had a girlfriend who needed an affidavit about her marriage/ex, and I did it in a heartbeat. And I'm a single mom. If I don't fear backlash, what's wrong with these guys? How disappointing. How disgusting. How pathetic.

I think some of the women I have come to know have more strength and integrity of character than many of their male counterparts. Just an observation. I'm not implying that there aren't great guys out there, just that my experience has been when the chips fall, many of them run and hide.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day to Me

After all, I am pretty much the mother and father. Well, they have a biological father, but any man can donate sperm. It takes a person of character to be a real father. Unfortunately, my children don't have a real father. They have a dysfunctional, authoritative and abusive man in their life who they happen to call a father. That would explain why my daughter keeps telling me to get married so that she can have a stepfather. Most children would never ask for that. Mine do. Explain that to me.

Anyhow, I got a call yesterday from my ex's loudmouth lawyer. This would be his 3rd lawyer in 3 months. My guess is that he couldn't get along with the first two, but hey- what do I know.

Anyhow, the lawyer was demanding that his client have access to the children on father's day. I told him that my ex is an abusive man and is inappropriate with the children, so he cannot have access, especially given the CAS case. He then accused me of opening the case to be manipulative. I told him to watch the accusations because I never opened the case, and he has no right to make those assumptions. Then he started yelling at me and telling me that I am restricting access to the children out of spite and that he intends to use it against me in court. Then I told him that he needs to watch his tone of voice with me or I will refuse to speak to him. He told me he has a 15 year history in family law and he wouldn't stand for what I was doing. I told him I have a 15 year history being abused by his client and I wouldn't stand for further abuse, whether it be from my ex, or his lawyer. Then he shut up and requested that I at least allow supervised visits. I agreed, provided that they suggest a reasonable supervisor. I told him that he should come up with a supervisor. He told me "surely there is someone in this world that you don't hate that can be used to supervise". I told him that he would need to get to know his client better, because the issue isn't that I can't find anyone I don't hate, rather, he won't be able to find anyone willing to supervise, because he doesn't have any friends or family willing to do it for him. He scoffed. I gave him two names. (my ex's brothers) Two hours later, he called me back saying they were "nowhere to be found". Of course not. They can't stand him and they don't want to be involved. This lawyer has no idea what he is in for.

Anyhow, I find it funny that my ex, the fundamentalist Muslim who just finished sending me a letter about how the children will no longer be allowed to celebrate "non Muslim secular/mainstream holidays" is making such a big deal about father's day. He never once celebrated father's day before. In fact, he said that father's day was the "North American way of getting people to appreciate their parent's, where a good Muslim would celebrate father's day every day". So in principle, he didn't believe in it. Isn't it funny how the fundos pick and choose how their religion should work?

Anyhow, the document that he sent me a week back actually has all kinds of crazy stuff in it, like the children are no longer allowed to celebrate non-Muslim secular holidays like Easter, Halloween, Christmas etc. Nice. Freak. I celebrate all holidays with my kids. Back off. He wants them to attend only Islamic School. Hmmm....I don't know a court in the country that would enforce that. And he wants them to have "proper Islamic upbringing". That would be the perfect catch all phrase for a fundo. Well- F-U. There won't be any of that. How about I ask the court for permission to change my religion and raise the children void of any one faith? Let's see what they do then.

Anyhow- he also wants the passports to reside with him 50% of the time. Why- so you can take off with my kids? I don't think so.

Honestly, this man is so beyond crazy, I think he needs to be in a mental institution.

Regardless of all this, I'm holding on strong. One day, I'm going to take up this cause on a permanent basis and help other women survive domestic abuse. Jerky men never let you move on. Never.

Well, anyways, Happy Father's Day to me.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Will

Not to be a drama queen, but all of this recent crap has basically reminded me that I urgently need a will. I know, a single mom should have had a will a long time ago. Well I don't. Chalk a rare one up for my irresponsible side. So here I am, taking a cut at my will. I'll eventually try to go to a lawyer and do this right, but in the meantime, I downloaded a will kit for "Single Canadian mother with children". Good start since I don't have anything else at the moment.

My thoughts are the following- If God forbid something horrible were to happen to me, like say- my ex goes nuts and hunts me down with a shotgun, well- I'll be damned if I let him have the children. Screw the money (it's not like I have that) and screw the life insurance, but HELL NO, he ain't getting the kids. I've got enough friends across the city plugged in to fight that battle for me, but in the meantime, I'm putting it all in writing.

So there we have it- my first time doing a "last will and testament". I feel like I have things in order, to a degree. It's actually a bit reassuring. It's not done yet (the will I mean), but I'm hoping it will be by tomorrow night. Oh- ya- that and the fact that the executor doesn't know she's the executor yet :)

I guess I never really planned to die anytime soon. I know it's not the type of think you plan, but I guess I always thought "I'm 35, so the odds are that I have a little while to go". I know that isn't true- we never know when it's going to be our time, but I guess these past few days have made me very aware of the fact that it really could be anytime. I thought the odds were that I'd have a while- good health, good life, no issues. And then yesterday I realized- those odds have recently changed. The crap that I'm going through, and truthfully have been going through for 3 years put me in a totally different category. Think about it...the odds that a normal human with no health issues (OK except maybe some weight), would need to worry about dying at 35 are not that high. Add in a psycho ex husband (literally) who is completely obsessed with me, and blames me for all his problems, has a violent history and temper, and a history of unstable behavior and those odds have changed. The odds that this girl won't have to worry about dying until after she's 60, well I don't know. I think she would have to worry more in her 30's, while the stuff is fresh and the obsession is still high. Wow. I'm not sure how I ever missed that...

I have my RMT to thank for the wake up call. Yesterday, surprisingly of all places, as I was getting a massage and talking to my RMT (shut up- yes I sometimes talk)- I was told "OH GOD you REALLY need a will". And then it hit me. I do need a will. Like now. Especially now.

That's another thing off the "to do" list.

I was doing really well until...

Minor freak attack yesterday. I'm better now. Breathe. :)

Overall, I'm doing better this time around than last time. (Now isn't it totally pathetic that there are "rounds"...it never ends).

I think this new naturopath has been great for me. The past 5 weeks I was doing alot better- sleeping better, losing weight, acne clearing, and then boom- the ex starts up, and the stress levels (and hormones) go through the roof. So it's a setback of a few weeks, but that's OK, we've added more herbs to the mix and I was able to sleep and feel calmer today, so something seems to be working. The past week, the sleep got messed up again, mostly cuz of stress, but I'm better now.

Regardless, I think I'm getting better at handling this (still sad that I have to say it).

I think I'm realizing that this won't ever change. He's going to harass me until my dying day, whenever that will be.

Oddly enough, I left him because I felt that if I stayed he would eventually do something so bad that he would kill me. Now I realize that this hasn't really changed. He's the same nut, and he's still just as obsessed. It's still a problem.

How does a married man get so obsessed with his ex wife? People are weird.

Fortunately, my friends are looking out for me and checking on me. I love you guys.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

CAS Visit #2

Never marry a bipolar man. Never.

God he's an ass.

Anyhow, without getting into the details, here we go again. Different this time, but way too familiar and still very much the same in many ways. Some things never change. Like people's assholeness.

Thank God my new department at work comes fully equipped with an understanding boss.

Doesn't hurt that he's got his own children...so he understands. It makes my on-the-fly schedule one less source of stress for me.

So- The CAS never changes either. But here is a funny tune- "What are YOU doing to protect your children"?

UM- Dude....you're the CAS. You told me he was off the hook last time.

"Yes, but if he continues behaving in this fashion, what are you doing to protect them?"

Um- aren't you the ones who told me you couldn't help?

"There isn't a specific child protection issue here. They have a good parent. It's you. But by allowing him access to the children, knowing that he is questionable as a parent, you are not doing your job".

Well- he technically is a joint custodian (dumb ass!)

"And you know that he shouldn't be. So you should have taken this to court by now and fought it. The fact that you're sitting by and not fighting it means you aren't protecting your children. If anything happens to them, we would get involved, but one of the things we would investigate is why YOU didn't exercise sound judgment in protecting them".

ARE YOU F-NG KIDDING ME?!

Talk about re-victimizing the victim. Peel CAS sucks. Big time! Child protection agencies do Jack shit.

I want to send this case to the media somehow. I want them to take it to the public. Why is it that women have to constantly go through this? Why aren't there checks and balances in place in the system?

I'm not being overly dramatic. I am very calm at the moment, but just very aware of the risks. You have NO idea what has transpired over the past two weeks, and I can't do this here. But I am going to the paper diary. If something ever happens to me or the children, somebody somewhere has to take that paper diary and let everyone know exactly what happened.

Stupid system.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

3 Years and Counting

It was exactly 3 years ago today that I left my ex husband. I don't have to re-tell the story like I did last year. Most of my friends know the details all too well. But with the again recent events that I haven't had the time to blog (man it feels like deja vu!), I can't help but wonder how many years it will take to REALLY be free. Not free on paper, but emotionally free. I know that we share children, and that we will always be tied at the hip, but not everyone has an obsessed stalker for an ex husband. On June 9, 2004- that glorious day when I finally got the courage (or perhaps backbone) to leave, I had NO idea that I would still be paying for it three years later. And that's probably a very good thing. If someone could have told me then that he would continue to harass and stalk me and make me miserable well past three years, I may not have bothered leaving. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did (so far), but I am just saying that perhaps the battle may have seemed too large, and a I may have given up and gone back to him at an earlier stage, like I did on other occasions (yes, I tried to leave before, but it never quite stuck).

Anyhow, I'm glad I'm here. As stressful as it is at times, I do have an overall feeling of contentment. Truthfully, the stress is just becoming a regular part of my life. The drama of my ex does get to me, but nothing surprises me anymore. Today, as I looked at the calendar, I thought to myself, 'wow...I was married for 11 years, and I've been paying for leaving with the past 3 years of my life'. Not the best deal, but freedom is sweet no matter what form it comes in. As is Independence.

So, what am I thinking today? Well, it's been exactly 3 years since I left my ex. Forget the material things I've accomplished, because they don't really matter. But here are the emotional accomplishments:
  • I've learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined. Yes I get down. Yes I depend on my friends. (Perhaps all of you should rejoice today with me, this was your accomplishment as much as it was mine), but you know what, I did stand through it, and yes I am blessed to have the most awesome people in the world by my side, but I did get through it.
  • I spoke with my son's therapist today. She says he's doing better. She says that's because of me. I was shocked. "me?" "Yes you. You are the only stability in his life right now. He draws pictures of how happy you make him. Yes you. As much as you think you could do more as a mom, I have news for you. All moms think that. But you have done more than the average mom because you have been both a mother and a father to your kids. And the only reason they turned out like they did is because of you. Be proud of yourself. Your work is paying off.". Wow. That is the biggest accomplishment in the world. I guess I am a good mom. Not where I would like to be, but yeah, this one is a huge accomplishment.
  • Another reminder from his therapist- 90% of women go back to abusive relationships. You are a survivor of domestic violence. That puts you in the other 10%. That is hard enough to do. Being in that bucket and being the mom you are, well, you fall into about a 1% category. Wow. I never even thought of that. I need to thank my friends.
  • I was able to enter into another relationship, and maintain myself. This is a huge deal. I was able to meet someone and feel something again. Sounds weird to you, sounds awesome to me. I thought I would live the rest of my life alone. That may still happen, but my point is more that I thought I was too dysfunctional to ever be part of anything long term. Ever. Maybe I was wrong. It was, ironically, a year ago today that I started seeing Mr. NYC. :) And for the first time in my life, I am not focused on the "end goal" of this. There is no real end goal right now. I'm OK with the friendship, companionship etc, regardless of where this ends up. That is not who I was before. This is new.
So overall, as crappy as things are at the moment with my ex, I think I'm taking it with stride. My lawyer can deal with it for me. I am just glad that I was able to take a few minutes and reflect on the silver lining. Yes it's been three years. Yes it's been tough, but man, I've changed. I have a long way to go, but I am happy with the journey, and with where I seem to be going. Even if I don't know 100% for sure exactly where the end destination will be. Wherever it is, it seems to be a good place, and I think I'm on the right track to get there.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thursday without the Kids

Thursdays suck. My kids are with their dad, and although the headspace is nice, it's not so nice when you have a psycho for an ex. I keep spinning and wondering if they are ok. I think we need to do mandatory testing on humans. If your personality sucks, or your genetics suck, you shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

Anyhow, other than the psycho for an ex thing, I'm doing ok.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Why Would you Marry such a Bad Man?

Well, isn't that the million dollar question? But here is the funny thing- it came from the most bizarre place. It came from my children. They actually sat me down and asked me about my ex. My daughter asked why we aren't married anymore. I said that sometimes grown ups just can't work things out. Then they asked me if it was because he is such a mean guy. I was shocked. I looked at them for a second, opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. I didn't know how to respond. Then my son asked if it was because he would hurt my children. I am wondering what the heck goes on in that house, because they should not be asking me this stuff. So I said yes. I wanted to make sure my children were safe, and that's part of the reason why we aren't together. Then my daughter blurts out "Why would you marry such a bad man? Didn't you think of asking him if he was the mean kind or nice kind before marrying him?". UM. If only the world were that simple. And honest.

But here is the thing- this line of questioning is SO seriously messed up. I mean, these are KIDS. Shouldn't they be, I dunno- playing or rolling in the grass or something? And here is the other thing...I left partly because I didn't want to answer these questions later...and here they are. I always feared that my children would hit their teenage years, see their dad for the jerk that he is and sit me down to tell me off for ruining their lives by staying with such a man. I always thought they would say "Why didn't you just leave? Why do we have to go through this?" Yet- here I am, answering the same question, and I actually did the best I could, and I acutally did leave- early in their lives.

So- back to the conversation- I had no answer. I told them that I didn't realize what he was like when we got married. That's the truth. And my daughter said "Why didn't you ask him?" so I said "Well, most people don't tell you that stuff when you ask honey". Her response... "Don't worry mommy- God will take care of it. If he lied and told you he was good and he really turned out bad, where do you think he will go when he dies? Do you think God will send him to heaven? No way- he will never go there. Then he will be sorry".

UM- WTF? Why the bitterness? What the heck is going on? I have NEVER heard my kids talk like that. I wonder what goes on at his house. I mean he's married, his wife seems nice enough. If he were hurting them physically I would probably know, especially since they are in therapy. At a minimum, the therapist would know by now. I'm guessing that he yells alot which wouldn't be too much of a surprise, and it would explain their frustration with him. Poor kids.

Honest to God that man is SO beyond messed up. And he's screwing up the kids in the process. He should have to pay their entire therapy bill for life. After all, he created the mess. Sigh. Rant over.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Shaz is Still Alive

I think it is so adorable that my friends call me to make sure I'm OK when I don't blog. It's been awhile, I know. I keep forgetting that there are many friends that I can't keep in touch with on a regular basis who use this space as a pulse to make sure I'm still OK. Thank you for caring about me. I'm touched. And I feel loved. Isn't it funny how you can spend your whole life wanting to be loved and then you find it in the weirdest places? I think the love that I've received from my friends surpasses anything any relationship has ever given. Amazing how that works, isn't it?

So on my end- things have been busy, but steady. I started a new job in the same company, and the change has been great for me. I don't know if it's the change of routine, change of work, change of pace, but it has all been good. I feel alive again. I think this will be a good move, no matter how long I stay. My goal at this time is 1-2 years, and then I'm out. Let's see how that turns out.

On a personal front, things with my ex were stabilizing a bit, until this past weekend. I'm not up to blogging about that, but rest assured, I'm dealing with it. I've learned that I'm a survivor, and that I'm getting stronger. That's a good thing, and very reassuring for me.

On the other personal front, things with Mr. NYC are on again. They have been for several weeks now. Let's see where that goes...

On a health front, my naturopath put me on an intense detox. She's trying to fix multiple issues at once- most of which stem from female/hormonal stuff. I have to say it's all working. All the things she said would change are slowly changing. I feel more energy, I'm sleeping 6-7 hours a night (I've been doing 4-5 hours a night for years), and I'm feeling calmer. A lot calmer. If I told you what my weekend was like, you would be shocked that I made it through at all, let alone to make it through without having to meltdown. Thank God for these herbs :)

Overall, I'm doing really well, touch wood. I see some stuff on the horizon with my ex, but I don't think it's in my control. I'll have to wait it out and see how that goes. But really, thank you for wishing me well, and for checking on me. I'll keep you all in my prayers :)