I had no idea what I was in for today. I rushed out this morning to meet my colleague for a 3 hour planning session we had scheduled. It's weird because he usually replies to my emails within minutes, and usually calls me back as soon as possible. We've worked together for 8 years now, and he is one of the closest friends I have from the office. He has helped me through my divorce, made me laugh, and saved my butt many times when I made a bad decision or said something in haste.
Yesterday, he didn't reply to any of my pages, emails, telephone calls. Yesterday I knew something was wrong, but I thought I would just discuss it with him today. Today never happened.
I came into the office grunting about how upset I was that he didn't return my emails, and didn't show for our meeting. I walked in around 10:30, only to see my good friend waiting for me to tell me the news, that being that he died last night.
I have been a wreck all day. People don't just die in their early 40's. Something happens. You don't have inexplicable deaths at that age. It doesn't add up. And losing this friend in particular, well, I don't know. The office is starting to feel really suffocating right now. First my boss, now my friend. I have two friends at the office who 100% every time without fail kept me sane. This was one of them. The other one spent her day consoling me today. Bless her. But to lose 2 out of these 3 people, well, I cannot explain how hard this is for me. He was an awesome friend.
Today was like a bad dream. I sobbed hysterically in a conference room in the office. People saw me. I feel embarrassed. Damn the corporate world. You're just not allowed to be human. Sometimes I think that I just don't belong here. Everyone was worried about me. I mean, I know they all know I was very close to this person, but not one single person other than myself was breaking down. So what's the deal? Am I the only freak? I feel....odd. Like everyone around thinks I'm made of eggshells or something. My colleagues wouldn't even let me drive home. They insisted on driving me home. I felt a bit defensive, like what did they think- that I would drive my car off a cliff or something? Then they explained that they felt it was just better if I weren't driving since I was so distracted. I can see their point, but still...
I only wanted to talk to the people who knew what my friend meant to me. Everyone else, whether close friend or not, was not allowed in my circle. I had no time for it. Oddly enough, I almost forgot about my parent teacher meeting tonight. My ex called an hour beforehand to remind me. I was crying at the time of the call. He was concerned, I told him what had happened. He knew my friend and was worried for me. He knew how close we were.
30 minutes later, he showed up at my doorsteps with a bouquet of flowers and an order of take out sushi. I was shocked, and a bit skeptical. I kept thinking 'what an opportunist'. I think he read my mind, because he said that he was definitely a crappy husband, but at least he could be a decent Ex husband. He brought the flowers for me, and the sushi because if he knew anything about me, it would be that I forgot to eat today. He was right. It was 6pm and I hadn't even had breakfast. I thanked him for the thought, and told him that I was concerned that this would come with heavy strings. He is, after all, the master of the 'give an inch take a mile' thing. He reassured me that it wasn't a ploy. I don't know that I trust him yet, but if he is telling the truth, it was a thoughtful gesture, and it came at a moment where I was feeling very alone. Only time will tell on that one.
I spent today just spinning. Remembering my last few conversations with this friend, wondering how I can possibly move on without him around. He was a very strong source of support and advice. And a dear friend. He was going to bring his girlfriend to have dinner at my place next weekend. One more week. If he had just held on.
About a week ago, I mentioned to a good friend that I have been lucky. I have never had to deal with death. Well I did once, but that was my aunt who died a few years back, and as difficult as it was to see her go, I was almost relieved when she died. She was in a horribly abusive marriage and her death meant freedom. She was better off, since she refused to leave her dog-of-a-husband, and things weren't getting better for her.
The person that I spoke to said that I should never talk about how lucky I am in that regard. You never know when something is around the corner. Just be thankful that you haven't had those experiences. But never voice it out loud...you may jinx it. Now I feel bad.
I'm waiting for the funeral, and hoping it will give me some closure. I have had an emotional month; hell, an emotional year, and I feel worn ragged. I cannot take much more of this. Everyone has a breaking point. The really sad thing is that I know a lot more about this situation than I can openly talk about at this time. You see, we were both here as each other's support, so I knew as much about his personal situation as he did about mine. Having to keep silent and not being able to speak the truth is a horrible thing. Especially now.
Back to the paper journal I go.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Zen Garden
I love the sand. I want to go to a beach and just hang out with the kids. My kids love the sand. My children were talking tonight about the sandbox outside, and asking why they can't play outside anymore. CUZ its too cold guys! Sheesh.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with some office colleagues. I have a Zen garden on my desk. When I originally separated from my ex, I found that I was getting really frustrated on my conference calls. I suppose I was very overwhelmed, and had less patience than normal. (My patience still hasn't returned, but that's another story in itself). I knew this wasn't right, so I decided to get the Zen garden, hoping that it would calm me down.
Anyhow, I wanted to be able to play with the Zen garden while on the phone. What I didn't expect was for the Zen garden to become what it has become. I have a habit of burying the rocks. I come in, bury the rocks in the sand, and then I don't touch the Zen garden again for the rest of the day. I somehow get some perverse pleasure from knowing that the rocks are buried beneath the sand.
Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell me that this isn't right. I know it isn't. But I don't care. The order of the Zen garden makes me feel like everything is how it should be. I come in, I bury the rocks, I feel content. Just don't mess them up. My desk, my rocks, my Zen Garden.
Some colleagues talked about stealing the rocks. I seriously think I would have a cardiac if they did it. I think I would lose my ability to function for the day, and no I'm not joking. It would disturb me and consume my mind while I'm in meetings. I would feel like things are messed up and I would feel unsettled. In fact, ever since they said it, I come in and feel a bit stressed as I walk to my desk. I look at my Zen Garden before I sit down and poke it to make sure the rocks are still there. No, I'm not kidding. I am dead serious. I know it's sick, but I have been freaked out at the thought of someone stealing those rocks. I've actually contemplated locking them in my desk before I leave for the night. Now that's freaky.
Yeah, I know...I still have issues. I just read the paragraph above and realized my Ex may not be the only freak in town. I'm going back to therapy. :)
How about this....I go back to therapy, and when I no longer feel the need to bury the rocks, we know I'm all better. It can be the barometer to my success. Now there's a plan!
Just don't touch the rocks in the meantime.
And, don't judge me. It's not like the rest of you don't have your own issues. The way I see it, I'm doing really well. I was the girl who buried all emotions and didn't talk about any of her concerns with anyone. Nobody knew how unhappy I was. Now I talk, I blog, and yeah, I bury rocks. But hey- I've still come a long way.
Stop judging. And stay away from my rocks.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with some office colleagues. I have a Zen garden on my desk. When I originally separated from my ex, I found that I was getting really frustrated on my conference calls. I suppose I was very overwhelmed, and had less patience than normal. (My patience still hasn't returned, but that's another story in itself). I knew this wasn't right, so I decided to get the Zen garden, hoping that it would calm me down.
Anyhow, I wanted to be able to play with the Zen garden while on the phone. What I didn't expect was for the Zen garden to become what it has become. I have a habit of burying the rocks. I come in, bury the rocks in the sand, and then I don't touch the Zen garden again for the rest of the day. I somehow get some perverse pleasure from knowing that the rocks are buried beneath the sand.
Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell me that this isn't right. I know it isn't. But I don't care. The order of the Zen garden makes me feel like everything is how it should be. I come in, I bury the rocks, I feel content. Just don't mess them up. My desk, my rocks, my Zen Garden.
Some colleagues talked about stealing the rocks. I seriously think I would have a cardiac if they did it. I think I would lose my ability to function for the day, and no I'm not joking. It would disturb me and consume my mind while I'm in meetings. I would feel like things are messed up and I would feel unsettled. In fact, ever since they said it, I come in and feel a bit stressed as I walk to my desk. I look at my Zen Garden before I sit down and poke it to make sure the rocks are still there. No, I'm not kidding. I am dead serious. I know it's sick, but I have been freaked out at the thought of someone stealing those rocks. I've actually contemplated locking them in my desk before I leave for the night. Now that's freaky.
Yeah, I know...I still have issues. I just read the paragraph above and realized my Ex may not be the only freak in town. I'm going back to therapy. :)
How about this....I go back to therapy, and when I no longer feel the need to bury the rocks, we know I'm all better. It can be the barometer to my success. Now there's a plan!
Just don't touch the rocks in the meantime.
And, don't judge me. It's not like the rest of you don't have your own issues. The way I see it, I'm doing really well. I was the girl who buried all emotions and didn't talk about any of her concerns with anyone. Nobody knew how unhappy I was. Now I talk, I blog, and yeah, I bury rocks. But hey- I've still come a long way.
Stop judging. And stay away from my rocks.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Climbing DOWN the Corporate Ladder?
I found this article interesting. I mean, I've definitely heard of people making life choices or life changes, like quitting their corporate jobs to be at home moms, or like leaving the corporate world to become your own boss, even if it means a pay cut. I've heard of people working flex hours to manage crazy schedules. I even fall into this category. But I haven't heard a lot about people deliberately moving DOWN the corporate ladder by choice.
I shouldn't be totally shocked. I mean, when I sat in that hospital bed almost 3 years ago, I actually wondered what had made me so stressed out that I had ended up there. I wondered if it was my job at the time, not because I didn't enjoy it, but because one individual in particular had made my life such hell that I couldn't even admit to people that I was in the hospital. That's a whole other story in itself, but I did conclude that the two things stressing me out were my marriage, and this individual. Fortunately, she left, and life at work went on happily. As for the marriage, well, you know how that decision went.
But what if I had concluded that my job was too stressful? I wonder if I would be the type to willingly take a pay cut and move down into a less demanding job. I'm thinking not. I think my ego wouldn't allow it, but hats off to anyone who can be gloriously self loving enough to do something like that for their own well being.
I'm inclined to be critical and say that I'm not that good to myself, but then again, just to pat my own back, I did stay in my current role longer than I normally would have for 3 reasons, and NONE of them were career advancement. Those 3 reasons were my awesome boss, my awesome colleagues, and lifestyle (specifically, the flexible work environment which has definitely been a Godsend, especially while going through the divorce, and especially as a single mom).
But now, with my boss gone, and with the upcoming re-org at the office (meaning potentially not having the same colleagues and a new boss to boot), the very things that I currently enjoy will likely disappear. I suppose all good things do eventually come to an end, but I will need to figure out what that means for me, and what I should do as a result. I truly don't see any of them remaining in tact at this point in time. Possibly the flexible schedule, but that appears to be a long shot.
Don't get too excited. That doesn't mean I would be willing to climb down the corporate ladder or anything like that. Like I said, I don't think it's for me. I'm a bit too competitive, my ego is a bit too big, and yeah, I need the financial resources to stay in tact, so a pay cut wouldn't be in the cards for me. I would just need to find something that fits my lifestyle needs enough that my children won't be impacted. Here's to hoping...
On that note, maybe I should have gone into teaching or something, instead of going the corporate route. I know- my teacher friends are reading and getting ticked- but seriously- out at 4pm and summers off? Come on! Yes I know you work at night...but HELLO so do I!!! My sis is in teachers college. She is SO on the right track. I'm envying her right now. Then again, having to deal with a bunch of kids all day and then coming home to my own would probably NOT be the best choice for me. Corporate world it is.
I shouldn't be totally shocked. I mean, when I sat in that hospital bed almost 3 years ago, I actually wondered what had made me so stressed out that I had ended up there. I wondered if it was my job at the time, not because I didn't enjoy it, but because one individual in particular had made my life such hell that I couldn't even admit to people that I was in the hospital. That's a whole other story in itself, but I did conclude that the two things stressing me out were my marriage, and this individual. Fortunately, she left, and life at work went on happily. As for the marriage, well, you know how that decision went.
But what if I had concluded that my job was too stressful? I wonder if I would be the type to willingly take a pay cut and move down into a less demanding job. I'm thinking not. I think my ego wouldn't allow it, but hats off to anyone who can be gloriously self loving enough to do something like that for their own well being.
I'm inclined to be critical and say that I'm not that good to myself, but then again, just to pat my own back, I did stay in my current role longer than I normally would have for 3 reasons, and NONE of them were career advancement. Those 3 reasons were my awesome boss, my awesome colleagues, and lifestyle (specifically, the flexible work environment which has definitely been a Godsend, especially while going through the divorce, and especially as a single mom).
But now, with my boss gone, and with the upcoming re-org at the office (meaning potentially not having the same colleagues and a new boss to boot), the very things that I currently enjoy will likely disappear. I suppose all good things do eventually come to an end, but I will need to figure out what that means for me, and what I should do as a result. I truly don't see any of them remaining in tact at this point in time. Possibly the flexible schedule, but that appears to be a long shot.
Don't get too excited. That doesn't mean I would be willing to climb down the corporate ladder or anything like that. Like I said, I don't think it's for me. I'm a bit too competitive, my ego is a bit too big, and yeah, I need the financial resources to stay in tact, so a pay cut wouldn't be in the cards for me. I would just need to find something that fits my lifestyle needs enough that my children won't be impacted. Here's to hoping...
On that note, maybe I should have gone into teaching or something, instead of going the corporate route. I know- my teacher friends are reading and getting ticked- but seriously- out at 4pm and summers off? Come on! Yes I know you work at night...but HELLO so do I!!! My sis is in teachers college. She is SO on the right track. I'm envying her right now. Then again, having to deal with a bunch of kids all day and then coming home to my own would probably NOT be the best choice for me. Corporate world it is.
Monday, November 27, 2006
The Ex's New Look
I got a call from a friend today who wanted to know if I've seen my ex's latest "look". The answer is yes I have. He was apparently much more amused by the look than I was. He thought the 'Jason Priestly' sideburns that have been busting out are way too funny. I think it's good for my ex. It's funny because all the while I was thinking to myself...well, I look different now too. I've been looking after myself more as well. Oddly enough, we've both moved in the same direction. He's shed some of the traditional Muslim look as have I. My friend was kind enough to say it's not the same thing...but I disagree. I think it's very much the same.
I guess that's what happens when you get divorced...you change some things about yourself, or you become more conscious of how you look and feel. I don't think it's a conscious effort to attract anyone or anything like that. (OK- well, pot shot, but in his case I think it's definitely a conscious effort to attract others), but for me, it was more about wanting to look good and feel good because I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I would be better off without him. Looking and feeling better is the first step to genuinely being better off I suppose. But for him, it's all about attracting women, and he even said it to me, which I found very amusing.
His recent changes (all of which are good in my opinion) are:
OK...Let's be fair. I've made my fair share of changes too, none of which were major, except for losing the scarf. My friends would say that I'm going to hell, but that's debatable. I do enjoy having my hair back, and it makes a gigantic difference on appearance, as well as having a major impact on how I relate with the world around me.
Anyhow, it's all just food for thought. We all have different reasons for making the changes that we make. Some are better than others, but if the net result is positive, I say go for it.
I'm sure my friend will have a thing or two to add...Go ahead honey...take a pot shot.
I guess that's what happens when you get divorced...you change some things about yourself, or you become more conscious of how you look and feel. I don't think it's a conscious effort to attract anyone or anything like that. (OK- well, pot shot, but in his case I think it's definitely a conscious effort to attract others), but for me, it was more about wanting to look good and feel good because I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I would be better off without him. Looking and feeling better is the first step to genuinely being better off I suppose. But for him, it's all about attracting women, and he even said it to me, which I found very amusing.
His recent changes (all of which are good in my opinion) are:
- lost weight (at least 20 lbs)
- more muscular and active, involved in sports
- shaved off the beard. This is a huge deal if you're from the Muslim community, but hey, I took off the scarf, so who the heck am I to talk? Apparently I'm destined for hell for my decision, so apparently, my former hubby and I will end up in the same place. How ironic is that? Life sucks doesn't it?
- grew in the Jason Priestly sideburns. OK- they look OK on him, but I did laugh the first time I saw them. I asked him what the heck he was doing, and he said his hairdresser told him to do it cuz the "chicks dig it". Um, maybe they did in 1980...but whatever suits your fancy buddy...
- new clothes, paying more attention to what he wears...trying to lose the slob look
OK...Let's be fair. I've made my fair share of changes too, none of which were major, except for losing the scarf. My friends would say that I'm going to hell, but that's debatable. I do enjoy having my hair back, and it makes a gigantic difference on appearance, as well as having a major impact on how I relate with the world around me.
Anyhow, it's all just food for thought. We all have different reasons for making the changes that we make. Some are better than others, but if the net result is positive, I say go for it.
I'm sure my friend will have a thing or two to add...Go ahead honey...take a pot shot.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
A Weekend Away
I went to NYC to visit a friend this weekend. I had a nice time there. I was really hoping to see the tree lit up at the Rockefeller Centre, but they won't be lighting it until Wed :(
My luck. Otherwise, it was really beautiful in Manhattan. Christmas has a very different feel there than it does in Toronto. It's just more- festive and Christmas-sy I guess. That coming from the Muslim girl - tee hee. Hey- what can I say- I love the season...it's all so beautiful.
I really wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre, but the line was too long. We opted to have dinner in the restaurant overlooking the ice rink. As we were dining, we saw one guy propose to his girlfriend. It's really funny- they have this complete engagement package for anyone who wants to propose. So you pay $200, you get to bypass the line up, you get exclusive time on the ice with your date, and you get to propose in front of everyone.
I think it's cheesy. I would hate it if someone did something so un-original and brutally public for such an intimate and special moment. I guess it's cute if you're really young, like early 20's, but it's really cheesy if you're older than that.
My luck. Otherwise, it was really beautiful in Manhattan. Christmas has a very different feel there than it does in Toronto. It's just more- festive and Christmas-sy I guess. That coming from the Muslim girl - tee hee. Hey- what can I say- I love the season...it's all so beautiful.
I really wanted to go ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre, but the line was too long. We opted to have dinner in the restaurant overlooking the ice rink. As we were dining, we saw one guy propose to his girlfriend. It's really funny- they have this complete engagement package for anyone who wants to propose. So you pay $200, you get to bypass the line up, you get exclusive time on the ice with your date, and you get to propose in front of everyone.
I think it's cheesy. I would hate it if someone did something so un-original and brutally public for such an intimate and special moment. I guess it's cute if you're really young, like early 20's, but it's really cheesy if you're older than that.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Chat with my Former Boss
It sounds so weird to call him that. I think in my mind he will always be my boss. 8 years is a very long working relationship. I spoke to him on Saturday night (well, technically Sunday morning- today). I was online and sent him an email at 12:30am (today) and he replied and asked if I was available to talk on the phone. I said I would love to. I haven't spoken to him even once since all this happened. It was nice to speak to him.
We didn't discuss any particulars around his departure from the company. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to ask any questions. We just sort of talked. He said he was doing fine, and that he really misses everyone, and asked me to send his best to everyone. He said he would be in touch with us soon and that we could all meet later on. He asked alot about how I am doing on a personal front. He knew that just a few weeks ago my ex was really driving me crazy and he wanted to know how the stalking situation was going. I told him that it's settling down, and he seemed relieved to hear it. And that my friends is why I miss him so much- a boss who genuinely cares about your well being. Now imagine that!
All in all, I would say that this conversation was good for me. It gave me a sense of ease to talk to him, and to know that he will be ok. I feel so much better now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to see him leave, but I don't feel this big open unresolved thing. It's sort of closure on his departure, but not closure on the friendship of course. That should hopefully stay alive for years to come.
But like I said, I feel alot better now.
We didn't discuss any particulars around his departure from the company. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to ask any questions. We just sort of talked. He said he was doing fine, and that he really misses everyone, and asked me to send his best to everyone. He said he would be in touch with us soon and that we could all meet later on. He asked alot about how I am doing on a personal front. He knew that just a few weeks ago my ex was really driving me crazy and he wanted to know how the stalking situation was going. I told him that it's settling down, and he seemed relieved to hear it. And that my friends is why I miss him so much- a boss who genuinely cares about your well being. Now imagine that!
All in all, I would say that this conversation was good for me. It gave me a sense of ease to talk to him, and to know that he will be ok. I feel so much better now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to see him leave, but I don't feel this big open unresolved thing. It's sort of closure on his departure, but not closure on the friendship of course. That should hopefully stay alive for years to come.
But like I said, I feel alot better now.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Squishy Tummies
I can't believe I'm about to post this, but...
My daughter this morning woke up and then placed her head on my tummy and went back to sleep. An hour later we both woke up, and she smiled at me and said "Mommy- do you know one thing that all mommies have that's the same?"
"No baby, what is it?"
"Squishy tummies"
"What? What do you mean?"
"God gave all mommies squishy tummies so their children can lie on them and feel comfy and go to sleep. That's why ladies with no babies don't have squishy tummies. I LOVE squishy tummies".
Damn! And I thought kids didn't notice that stuff. I thought they thought I was perfect. I guess explaining that the tummy is squishy cuz she came out of there isn't going to be a fair enough explanation. :(
Time to go back to the gym. :(
My daughter this morning woke up and then placed her head on my tummy and went back to sleep. An hour later we both woke up, and she smiled at me and said "Mommy- do you know one thing that all mommies have that's the same?"
"No baby, what is it?"
"Squishy tummies"
"What? What do you mean?"
"God gave all mommies squishy tummies so their children can lie on them and feel comfy and go to sleep. That's why ladies with no babies don't have squishy tummies. I LOVE squishy tummies".
Damn! And I thought kids didn't notice that stuff. I thought they thought I was perfect. I guess explaining that the tummy is squishy cuz she came out of there isn't going to be a fair enough explanation. :(
Time to go back to the gym. :(
Friday, November 17, 2006
Bad, Bad Mother!
Do you ever have one of those mornings where you know you look bad, and you just don't know how it happened? If someone had one of those secret spy cameras watching me this morning, they would think I'm some horrid mother. No, I wasn't yelling or anything. It's just the small things that were forgotten.
Like- I normally pack my son's lunch the night before. Last night, I didn't, since today is Friday, and I expected to have lots of extra time in the morning. Well, I ran out of time, and forgot that lunch wasn't packed. I ran frantically throwing something together. Then my son reminded me that I forgot to fill out a book order form. We did that quickly. I wrote out a check, selected some books, and threw that into the backpack. Got the kids out the door (barely) and got my son to school (sort of) on time. I say "sort of" because we were 5 minutes late. This is a big deal to me, because I'm never late for school. NEVER. No way. But, I did have some satisfaction from the extra long line of cars trying to drop their kids off, late as well. The rain saved me. My son wouldn't look late, and I wouldn't look like a freak, because the rain had slowed everyone down. Everyone was 5 minutes late, if not more. Thank God for rain. I didn't want to have to sign a late slip.
My daughter insisted that she wanted cheesies this morning. I was adamant that cheesies are not breakfast food. "Eat your cereal please". I was happy to see that she complied, without any further complaining. Little did I know that the Halloween bag had been busted open, and that she had put a bag of cheesies in her coat pocket. Oh yeah. My girl was eating cheesies in the backseat of the car while I was driving. I didn't realize it until we got to school. I took her out of the car, and she said "Mommy- I need to wash my hands. I have cheesies all over them!" Of course, there was another parent nearby, within earshot. And, he was happy to say "Cheesies? That's not breakfast food!" I could feel the sense of judgement and I hated it.
That's right. Great. Why don't you just bite me? Better yet, call the Children's Aid or something. Do you really think I would deliberately feed a 5 year old cheesies for breakfast? And why do you think you have the right to talk so condescendingly Mr. I-think-I'm-a-perfect-father? Please. Mind your own business.
Of course, I didn't say any of this to him. I just smiled and said "Gosh. Don't you hate all those Halloween candies? Kids keep them everywhere! Even in the car! Thank God she had her cereal this morning!"
I think I would have gotten away with it if he didn't see my sipping Diet Pepsi when I got back to the car after dropping her off. Busted. Now I do look like a bad mom. After all, who is going to believe that a mother who drinks Diet Pepsi for breakfast wouldn't let her child eat cheesies for breakfast?
Sigh. OK- Well- it's not like I let HER drink Diet Pepsi in the morning. And the cheesies were eaten without my knowledge. That IS the point, isn't it?
Condescending jerk.
Like- I normally pack my son's lunch the night before. Last night, I didn't, since today is Friday, and I expected to have lots of extra time in the morning. Well, I ran out of time, and forgot that lunch wasn't packed. I ran frantically throwing something together. Then my son reminded me that I forgot to fill out a book order form. We did that quickly. I wrote out a check, selected some books, and threw that into the backpack. Got the kids out the door (barely) and got my son to school (sort of) on time. I say "sort of" because we were 5 minutes late. This is a big deal to me, because I'm never late for school. NEVER. No way. But, I did have some satisfaction from the extra long line of cars trying to drop their kids off, late as well. The rain saved me. My son wouldn't look late, and I wouldn't look like a freak, because the rain had slowed everyone down. Everyone was 5 minutes late, if not more. Thank God for rain. I didn't want to have to sign a late slip.
My daughter insisted that she wanted cheesies this morning. I was adamant that cheesies are not breakfast food. "Eat your cereal please". I was happy to see that she complied, without any further complaining. Little did I know that the Halloween bag had been busted open, and that she had put a bag of cheesies in her coat pocket. Oh yeah. My girl was eating cheesies in the backseat of the car while I was driving. I didn't realize it until we got to school. I took her out of the car, and she said "Mommy- I need to wash my hands. I have cheesies all over them!" Of course, there was another parent nearby, within earshot. And, he was happy to say "Cheesies? That's not breakfast food!" I could feel the sense of judgement and I hated it.
That's right. Great. Why don't you just bite me? Better yet, call the Children's Aid or something. Do you really think I would deliberately feed a 5 year old cheesies for breakfast? And why do you think you have the right to talk so condescendingly Mr. I-think-I'm-a-perfect-father? Please. Mind your own business.
Of course, I didn't say any of this to him. I just smiled and said "Gosh. Don't you hate all those Halloween candies? Kids keep them everywhere! Even in the car! Thank God she had her cereal this morning!"
I think I would have gotten away with it if he didn't see my sipping Diet Pepsi when I got back to the car after dropping her off. Busted. Now I do look like a bad mom. After all, who is going to believe that a mother who drinks Diet Pepsi for breakfast wouldn't let her child eat cheesies for breakfast?
Sigh. OK- Well- it's not like I let HER drink Diet Pepsi in the morning. And the cheesies were eaten without my knowledge. That IS the point, isn't it?
Condescending jerk.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Plugging Away
Well- I've been to the office for two days this week. It's a really weird time for my group, so we're just plugging away. There's a re-org happening so I find that things are a bit tense overall. Not knowing who you will be working for, or what you will be doing is never an easy thing. Losing our leader at this time didn't help any of us, but like I said, just plugging away, one day at a time. SIGH.
My nephew is doing well. Growing fast. Cute as can be. Well, cute as an infant can be. I find that all babies are adorable, but they all look like little monkeys or aliens. Mine were no exception. But this one is an exceptionally good baby. He sleeps through anything- diaper change, bath, etc. That is VERY weird. He must be lazy like my brother :) Kidding. I've been going over to visit as many times as I can. I don't want to miss a moment of seeing him grow. Did I mention he's hairy like my brother? :P
My nephew is doing well. Growing fast. Cute as can be. Well, cute as an infant can be. I find that all babies are adorable, but they all look like little monkeys or aliens. Mine were no exception. But this one is an exceptionally good baby. He sleeps through anything- diaper change, bath, etc. That is VERY weird. He must be lazy like my brother :) Kidding. I've been going over to visit as many times as I can. I don't want to miss a moment of seeing him grow. Did I mention he's hairy like my brother? :P
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Still Feeling Crappy
I still can't shake this crappy feeling. I'm trying to keep busy but it's not working. This thing with my boss seems to have thrown off my entire life. I mean, I knew that the day would come where we wouldn't work together anymore, but I just always assumed that it would be whenever I reached a point where I was really to move to a new role, and that we would move in different directions on pseudo happy terms. I never thought he would just be thrown out of the picture like this, without explanation. I don't like it one bit. I need to make sure that everything is OK for him. I owe him big time for everything he's done for me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be where I am professionally, or personally. What an awesome mentor he was.
I feel crappy and a bit useless. I have to go to the office and act like it's business as usual and it's not. How can I look at my team and act like everything is OK when it is so screwed up beyond description? It's insane. I'm supposed to act like this is just part of life. It's not. It shouldn't be. I'm so ticked off. And yes, now I'm officially bitter. Very bitter. The people around me act like I'm being a bit too dramatic, that this happens all the time, and that after all my corporate experience, this shouldn't hit me so hard. Well it does. I guess I'm not as tough as everyone thought I was. Something in me broke this week. Something that kept me going. I had faith that good people would always be protected. I thought wrong.
I've just realized how brutal the corporate world really is. I'm wondering what made me think I actually enjoyed it? The corporate world is nothing less than a shark pit. Right now, I feel like a goldfish swimming with a bunch of sharks. They should just eat me and get it overwith.
I feel crappy and a bit useless. I have to go to the office and act like it's business as usual and it's not. How can I look at my team and act like everything is OK when it is so screwed up beyond description? It's insane. I'm supposed to act like this is just part of life. It's not. It shouldn't be. I'm so ticked off. And yes, now I'm officially bitter. Very bitter. The people around me act like I'm being a bit too dramatic, that this happens all the time, and that after all my corporate experience, this shouldn't hit me so hard. Well it does. I guess I'm not as tough as everyone thought I was. Something in me broke this week. Something that kept me going. I had faith that good people would always be protected. I thought wrong.
I've just realized how brutal the corporate world really is. I'm wondering what made me think I actually enjoyed it? The corporate world is nothing less than a shark pit. Right now, I feel like a goldfish swimming with a bunch of sharks. They should just eat me and get it overwith.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Numb
Ever have a REALLY crappy day, where you feel like you can't even think straight? I'm having a day where I wish it would just go away. I'm hoping I'll wake up and it will be gone, but I know that won't happen. I feel like someone died today.
Some stuff happened at the office. To sum it up, I was advised that my boss will no longer be with the company. That was a really hard hit for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I've only had a few strong pillars around me in the past few years. I could count them on one hand. He was definitely one of them. I've worked with him for 8 years, and I can definitely say that I owe him a great deal, professionally and personally. This is a HUGE loss for me, and I feel a bit out of balance without him there. It would have been different if he had just moved groups within the company, but this just all feels like a bad dream.
I need a few days to get myself balanced again. I'm really worried about him. I mean, I know he will be fine. People like him always are...but still...it's all really hard to explain. He was my friend and my mentor, and that is rare to find in the corporate world.
On that note, the corporate world is a sick, sick, place. I cannot believe how people expect things to be "business as usual" after something like this. Guess what people? It ISN'T business as usual. And it won't be. Not for awhile. The amount of shallow, fickle, phone calls I got today made me want to throw up. Take a hike people. Find someone else to gossip about. And by the way, I don't like any of you anymore.
And then there is the good news. A loss and a gift all in one day (isn't my life always so...drama)? My brother and his wife had their baby boy. 9lbs 2 ounces. That is just HUGE. I'm an aunt for the first time. I went to the hospital to see them. The baby is beautiful. They are happy, he is cute, and it felt good to hold him in my arms. It's just too bad this happened on a day when I wasn't so with it. I wish I were more focused to enjoy the moment.
Oh yeah, and mid day today, I had to leave the office early. I got a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, he scrunched up a piece of tinfoil and shoved it into his ear. What the heck is that all about? We had to take him to the doctors, and lo and behold, the doctor pulled out the tinfoil. FROM HIS EAR! It was like watching a bunny-rabbit-in-a-hat trick or something. What possesses a child to shove something in his ear? It's just insane.
Needless to say, today was just crazy. I'm numb, sad, happy, and just tired all at once. I just want life to be normal again. I want to go back to my life the way it was. The office was my only sense of security and stability for the past 2.5 years. Now I feel like I've lost that too. I'm not worried about myself or my job or anything like that. It's just that, I think it felt a bit like home in an odd way. Like the key people around me were my family. Now it just feels.....broken.
Wow- a broken home- I can't believe I said that. It's kind of creepy...and appropriate.
Some stuff happened at the office. To sum it up, I was advised that my boss will no longer be with the company. That was a really hard hit for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I've only had a few strong pillars around me in the past few years. I could count them on one hand. He was definitely one of them. I've worked with him for 8 years, and I can definitely say that I owe him a great deal, professionally and personally. This is a HUGE loss for me, and I feel a bit out of balance without him there. It would have been different if he had just moved groups within the company, but this just all feels like a bad dream.
I need a few days to get myself balanced again. I'm really worried about him. I mean, I know he will be fine. People like him always are...but still...it's all really hard to explain. He was my friend and my mentor, and that is rare to find in the corporate world.
On that note, the corporate world is a sick, sick, place. I cannot believe how people expect things to be "business as usual" after something like this. Guess what people? It ISN'T business as usual. And it won't be. Not for awhile. The amount of shallow, fickle, phone calls I got today made me want to throw up. Take a hike people. Find someone else to gossip about. And by the way, I don't like any of you anymore.
And then there is the good news. A loss and a gift all in one day (isn't my life always so...drama)? My brother and his wife had their baby boy. 9lbs 2 ounces. That is just HUGE. I'm an aunt for the first time. I went to the hospital to see them. The baby is beautiful. They are happy, he is cute, and it felt good to hold him in my arms. It's just too bad this happened on a day when I wasn't so with it. I wish I were more focused to enjoy the moment.
Oh yeah, and mid day today, I had to leave the office early. I got a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, he scrunched up a piece of tinfoil and shoved it into his ear. What the heck is that all about? We had to take him to the doctors, and lo and behold, the doctor pulled out the tinfoil. FROM HIS EAR! It was like watching a bunny-rabbit-in-a-hat trick or something. What possesses a child to shove something in his ear? It's just insane.
Needless to say, today was just crazy. I'm numb, sad, happy, and just tired all at once. I just want life to be normal again. I want to go back to my life the way it was. The office was my only sense of security and stability for the past 2.5 years. Now I feel like I've lost that too. I'm not worried about myself or my job or anything like that. It's just that, I think it felt a bit like home in an odd way. Like the key people around me were my family. Now it just feels.....broken.
Wow- a broken home- I can't believe I said that. It's kind of creepy...and appropriate.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Nude Beginnings?
Someone was trying to remember how to get to my blog. Their recollection was "Nude Beginnings"...OK- Where do I start?
- This is not some pornographic blog. Sorry guys. :)
- Um- Possibly, if you meant like a nude landscape and that the sky is the limit, then perhaps I could kind of see what you meant by imagining that I would call it nude beginnings....Nah who am I kidding, not at all
- It could have been her jokey way of commenting that my new life involves no hijaab- or the removal of my 6 year headscarf. But still, most of the world does not consider "hair" the same as "nudity", although.....if she meant it as a slap in the face, then perhaps yeah, that would work...Hey Shaz, you might as well be nude. Nah. I still don't buy it
- I could have started this blog with nude pictures of....hahaha I can't even get through that one without laughing
- I ran out of options. Either way, Nude Beginnings was my second choice. Don't feel so bad :)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Princess Party
I had a little birthday party for my daughter on Saturday. There were 10 children present, including my own. I call it little because last year, I had 20 kids and maybe 15 adults at a children's birthday hall. Last year was way too costly. This year, in the interest of keeping things simple, I had a smaller party at Woodie Woodchucks, which is similar to Chuck E Cheese's.
So 8 invitees including Mich's son and 7 of my daughter's school friends. It turned out OK. The girls had a nice time, and the main difference is that I didn't invite all my extended friends. Keeping it to school friends only wasn't such a bad idea actually. It eliminated a lot of the outside pressure. If I invite one friend, I have to invite all of them, and then it turns into another big affair. There is so much drama around the desi (Indo-Pak) community, it's unbelievable.
Anyhow, the weekend came and went. It was a busy one. I had the birthday party on Saturday, a get together at a friend's place on Saturday night and then some repair work around the house on Sunday, as well as my son's hockey game Sunday afternoon. The usual weekend stuff.
I'm trying to get my house in order. It's amazing what that cold/flu did to me. I was so knocked out. So now, I face 5 backlogged loads of laundry, dishes, cleanup, washrooms etc. My 15 mins a night can't even make a dent in it. Sigh, these are the days where I do feel the gap of a partner in the house. I can handle most day to day stuff, but when you get sick, you realize how alone you really are.
Either way, I'll catch up. I always do. :)
So 8 invitees including Mich's son and 7 of my daughter's school friends. It turned out OK. The girls had a nice time, and the main difference is that I didn't invite all my extended friends. Keeping it to school friends only wasn't such a bad idea actually. It eliminated a lot of the outside pressure. If I invite one friend, I have to invite all of them, and then it turns into another big affair. There is so much drama around the desi (Indo-Pak) community, it's unbelievable.
Anyhow, the weekend came and went. It was a busy one. I had the birthday party on Saturday, a get together at a friend's place on Saturday night and then some repair work around the house on Sunday, as well as my son's hockey game Sunday afternoon. The usual weekend stuff.
I'm trying to get my house in order. It's amazing what that cold/flu did to me. I was so knocked out. So now, I face 5 backlogged loads of laundry, dishes, cleanup, washrooms etc. My 15 mins a night can't even make a dent in it. Sigh, these are the days where I do feel the gap of a partner in the house. I can handle most day to day stuff, but when you get sick, you realize how alone you really are.
Either way, I'll catch up. I always do. :)
Friday, November 03, 2006
Accepting the Divorce
My son had a play date last night. Another child from his hockey team and Tae Kwan Do team wanted to come over. I picked up the children, brought them to my place, ordered pizza and let them play and watch a movie. They had a nice time. It made me happy to know my son was comfortable in his environment. We've had friends over with the children, but they are usually children of my friends. This is different. These are his friends, and I don't know the parents well at all. It's a big difference, trust me.
During the drive home, the little boy asked my son when his dad will get home. My son matter-of-factly responded that his dad doesn't live with us, because his parents are divorced. I was shocked, as I've never used the "divorce" word in front of the children. I've usually just said that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My son picked up the divorce word somewhere, perhaps from his father. I'm not sure.
Either way, he was very comfortable talking about it. His friend didn't seem too awkward either. He asked "Why are they divorced? If they are divorced, how come I see your dad at hockey?"
My son responded that he goes to hockey with his dad, that he sees his dad when it's not a school day. His friend seemed OK with that answer. I was really pretending not to listen. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of conversation. This was, after all, the closest I will ever come to truly understanding how my children are coping. Why mess that up?
Then my son went on to say that we have been divorced since he was three. I started counting on my fingers...hmmm... It's been two and a half years, he is almost 7, so actually, nope he was four. Close enough I guess. My daughter was only 2 at the time.
In essence, we separated while the children were still very young. As a result, this divorced state has just become the life they've always known. My daughter doesn't have a lot of memories from before the age of 2, so most of her memories involve the two homes, two lives. She has scattered happy memories of the entire family unit, and I think that's OK. We did, after all, have at least a few good times together. It doesn't hurt for her to remember them. At least she didn't have to see any of the bad stuff.
The other day my daughter brought home a "family" picture that she made at school. It was a picture of her, of me, and of her brother. No dad. I said, "wow honey, what's this?". She responded that it was a picture of our family. I thanked her for the picture and put it on the fridge. I always hated the fridges with piles of children's artwork. But this one was just too special not to put up. To me, it meant that she had accepted things. She said that she would paint a separate picture for daddy's home. I told her that it was a nice idea.
I'm not sure if this means they have accepted the divorce, or if it means that they are comfortable enough talking about it. Both are good scenarios. I shiver at the thought that one day they might potentially get fed up with everything and just rebel, but I would rather not think of all the potential issues life might throw at me. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I certainly do not need to take on any additional stress.
So for now, I'll allow these tiny conversations, and the tiny "family" drawings that my daughter brings home from school to give me some comfort. It is after all comfort and reassurance that gives us the strength to continue on.
During the drive home, the little boy asked my son when his dad will get home. My son matter-of-factly responded that his dad doesn't live with us, because his parents are divorced. I was shocked, as I've never used the "divorce" word in front of the children. I've usually just said that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My son picked up the divorce word somewhere, perhaps from his father. I'm not sure.
Either way, he was very comfortable talking about it. His friend didn't seem too awkward either. He asked "Why are they divorced? If they are divorced, how come I see your dad at hockey?"
My son responded that he goes to hockey with his dad, that he sees his dad when it's not a school day. His friend seemed OK with that answer. I was really pretending not to listen. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of conversation. This was, after all, the closest I will ever come to truly understanding how my children are coping. Why mess that up?
Then my son went on to say that we have been divorced since he was three. I started counting on my fingers...hmmm... It's been two and a half years, he is almost 7, so actually, nope he was four. Close enough I guess. My daughter was only 2 at the time.
In essence, we separated while the children were still very young. As a result, this divorced state has just become the life they've always known. My daughter doesn't have a lot of memories from before the age of 2, so most of her memories involve the two homes, two lives. She has scattered happy memories of the entire family unit, and I think that's OK. We did, after all, have at least a few good times together. It doesn't hurt for her to remember them. At least she didn't have to see any of the bad stuff.
The other day my daughter brought home a "family" picture that she made at school. It was a picture of her, of me, and of her brother. No dad. I said, "wow honey, what's this?". She responded that it was a picture of our family. I thanked her for the picture and put it on the fridge. I always hated the fridges with piles of children's artwork. But this one was just too special not to put up. To me, it meant that she had accepted things. She said that she would paint a separate picture for daddy's home. I told her that it was a nice idea.
I'm not sure if this means they have accepted the divorce, or if it means that they are comfortable enough talking about it. Both are good scenarios. I shiver at the thought that one day they might potentially get fed up with everything and just rebel, but I would rather not think of all the potential issues life might throw at me. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I certainly do not need to take on any additional stress.
So for now, I'll allow these tiny conversations, and the tiny "family" drawings that my daughter brings home from school to give me some comfort. It is after all comfort and reassurance that gives us the strength to continue on.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Mosque Donations?
Well, isn't this nice? I feel like I'm getting harassed from all angles. But this one, this is really low. So, I got a call tonight following up on a donation to a Mosque here in Mississauga. The weird thing is, I've only heard of this Mosque once in my life, from my ex, who mentioned that he was going there for a prayer one night. Other than that, I've never heard of this place. I'm sure it's some small Mosque in the city, it's definitely not one of the main ones.
So, the call is following up on a pledge that I apparently made for $99 a month. Those of you who are Muslim understand the significance of the number 99- The 99 names of God. Anyhow, they are following up to find out what my preferred method of payment is. So I say, what the--?
I never made a pledge. I don't know you people. Yet, they have my name, address, phone number, and yes- my hotmail address. How does that happen? I get the call, and I'm a bit stumped. I'm not prepared to give money to these people at this time, especially given the fact that I don't know who they are. Firstly, I donate when and where I want to, and secondly, I would check out the organization first. No offense, but Muslim or not, I need to make sure that it's a good mainstream organization and not some weirdo one if you know what I mean. But how do you tell the Mosque people that no you never made the pledge and that you are not willing to make the payment when they clearly have all your contact info? There's no possibility of error-someone definitely gave out my info, otherwise where would they get my email address from? They even know my maiden name which I am now using, and know that my email address is still using the initial of my married name. I mean, come ON. Clearly someone deliberately gave it to them.
So I tell them, no, it's not my pledge. They insist it is, and confirm all the info for the tax receipt. Nope, sorry I never made a pledge. Now this is very embarrassing, I mean, do I go to hell if I turn down the Mosque charity? I'm half joking, but I'm sure you can understand how embarrassing this is. So then they kind of re-confirm the info, and then almost skeptically ask "Are you SURE you didn't make the donation?" Hell ya, and I think I know who did.
I know it's mean to accuse, but you can't blame me for thinking what I'm thinking. I mean, how low is that- setting me up for Mosque payments? I almost couldn't say no to them. That is just so wrong. I want to ask you-know-who if he did this to me, but I can't- it just feels wrong.
So they keep asking again and again. "But how could we have all the info, if you never made the pledge?". Now I'm frustrated and I say- "Well actually, perhaps my ex husband did it as a mean prank. We're not on good terms". Silence. Total silence. Then I continue, "This is as awkward for me as it is for you, but to be honest, I'm a single mom, and I've already donated to another organization this year. I wouldn't lie to you. I was not the one that gave you that info".
Silence. Awkwardness. Please God, just let the lightening strike me now. Please. OK Now. Please...OK...they are still on the line. Anytime now God, anytime.
Then they thank me for my time. Thank God it's over. Thank you God. I promise to pray tomorrow. Don't strike me down with lightening for not paying the money. IF you want to strike anyone, hit the house a few blocks down. I'm sure you'll find the culprit there.
I feel so mean even doing this journal, especially because I'm accusing someone who can't defend himself here. But really, what the heck was that all about? Talk about a mean stunt.
Now I've seen it all.
So, the call is following up on a pledge that I apparently made for $99 a month. Those of you who are Muslim understand the significance of the number 99- The 99 names of God. Anyhow, they are following up to find out what my preferred method of payment is. So I say, what the--?
I never made a pledge. I don't know you people. Yet, they have my name, address, phone number, and yes- my hotmail address. How does that happen? I get the call, and I'm a bit stumped. I'm not prepared to give money to these people at this time, especially given the fact that I don't know who they are. Firstly, I donate when and where I want to, and secondly, I would check out the organization first. No offense, but Muslim or not, I need to make sure that it's a good mainstream organization and not some weirdo one if you know what I mean. But how do you tell the Mosque people that no you never made the pledge and that you are not willing to make the payment when they clearly have all your contact info? There's no possibility of error-someone definitely gave out my info, otherwise where would they get my email address from? They even know my maiden name which I am now using, and know that my email address is still using the initial of my married name. I mean, come ON. Clearly someone deliberately gave it to them.
So I tell them, no, it's not my pledge. They insist it is, and confirm all the info for the tax receipt. Nope, sorry I never made a pledge. Now this is very embarrassing, I mean, do I go to hell if I turn down the Mosque charity? I'm half joking, but I'm sure you can understand how embarrassing this is. So then they kind of re-confirm the info, and then almost skeptically ask "Are you SURE you didn't make the donation?" Hell ya, and I think I know who did.
I know it's mean to accuse, but you can't blame me for thinking what I'm thinking. I mean, how low is that- setting me up for Mosque payments? I almost couldn't say no to them. That is just so wrong. I want to ask you-know-who if he did this to me, but I can't- it just feels wrong.
So they keep asking again and again. "But how could we have all the info, if you never made the pledge?". Now I'm frustrated and I say- "Well actually, perhaps my ex husband did it as a mean prank. We're not on good terms". Silence. Total silence. Then I continue, "This is as awkward for me as it is for you, but to be honest, I'm a single mom, and I've already donated to another organization this year. I wouldn't lie to you. I was not the one that gave you that info".
Silence. Awkwardness. Please God, just let the lightening strike me now. Please. OK Now. Please...OK...they are still on the line. Anytime now God, anytime.
Then they thank me for my time. Thank God it's over. Thank you God. I promise to pray tomorrow. Don't strike me down with lightening for not paying the money. IF you want to strike anyone, hit the house a few blocks down. I'm sure you'll find the culprit there.
I feel so mean even doing this journal, especially because I'm accusing someone who can't defend himself here. But really, what the heck was that all about? Talk about a mean stunt.
Now I've seen it all.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Privacy at Last
And the blinds go up. Thank you Rich for the support and love that you give me. I am so bad- Rich came to put up the blinds while I sat and watched. But really, I'm not that great at this stuff, and really, I'm still under the weather. My friends rock.
I feel safer now. I feel like I can sit in the main floor of my house in peace. I don't think I realized how much the lack of privacy at night impacted my lifestyle. I just realized today that because you could see through the curtains in my front room (living room) I never sat there at night. Anyone could watch me through the bay windows.
As I admired the chocolate brown wooden blinds today (they do look nice), I realized that I could now peacefully sit in this front room and not feel like I'm being watched. What a gift. I mean, all this time I had my own home, but I was still restricted in it. It almost seems silly now.
Either way, this brings me a lot of peace. Next step- install floodlights and locks for the back door.
Safety and security- here I come.
I feel safer now. I feel like I can sit in the main floor of my house in peace. I don't think I realized how much the lack of privacy at night impacted my lifestyle. I just realized today that because you could see through the curtains in my front room (living room) I never sat there at night. Anyone could watch me through the bay windows.
As I admired the chocolate brown wooden blinds today (they do look nice), I realized that I could now peacefully sit in this front room and not feel like I'm being watched. What a gift. I mean, all this time I had my own home, but I was still restricted in it. It almost seems silly now.
Either way, this brings me a lot of peace. Next step- install floodlights and locks for the back door.
Safety and security- here I come.
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