Hey! I did it! I reached a year! I've officially managed to replace my paper diary (that I have been keeping since I was 13) with a blog! How fun!
It's been neat getting people's feedback, reading comments, and getting support from the people who I rarely get to speak to, but who I hold very dear.
It's also been good for me. I think this blog single handedly helped me face some of the issues that I have kept to myself for over a decade. When you speak out loud, you have to face your problems. You can't hide from them anyone.
I've used this blog to force me to face some of the demons I've been dealing with- the abuse, the community pressure, the intrusion and comments from family and friends. And I have my few close friends (who read this blog) to thank for all of this. That and the two people who suggested I start my blog. A colleague at work, and my boss. My colleague reads this blog (and sometimes even drops his words of wisdom)...my boss doesn't. I think it would have been hard to have my boss read some of this stuff, although to be honest, he knows most of it anyhow, and has been one of the strongest supporters around me.
Either way...here I am. Let's see how long I keep it going. It's been quite a year.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Open House at my Son's School
Last night I went to my son's school for an open house. He showed me around his school- the fall fair, the library, the playground, his coat hook etc etc. I saw the school at the open house last year, but for some reason, he was just as excited to show me everything again this year. I played along, acting like it was the first time I had been there. We all had a good time.
When I met his teacher, I was pleased to hear what he had to say. Apparently, the principal had told him that our divorce was finalized this summer, and to keep an eye out to make sure we know if he's emotionally well adjusted to the change. I thought that was nice of her. The teacher said that my son is doing very well, that he's really polite, and that he came in on day one saying "This is grade 2. It's a new year, but the same school. I'm going to have a great year". And apparently, he's stuck by it. He said that so far, my son seems excited to be there, and doesn't seem to be impacted by the divorce. I was really relieved.
I wonder if the divorce was the same for my children as it was for me- more of a formality, with the bigger change being the separation itself? I'm not sure, so I'll wait and see. Either way, I am very pleased. I've seen the difference in my son too- he seems more well adjusted, happier, and more comfortable speaking about his feelings when things bother him.
I think it's also a great thing that he has a male teacher. My brother in law is a Vice Principal and he once told me that little boys learn better from male teachers. I think this might be especially true for my son, mostly because he is with me more than his father, and lacks a consistent positive male role model. The best role modeling he gets today is from Rich, and I am so grateful for that. But, it's still not every day, so the thought of a male teacher for my son makes me feel comfortable. It helps that he's a young teacher, and also that he's very soft-spoken. I feel really good about the upcoming school year.
I was tucking my son in last night and I told him how pleased I was to hear what his teacher had to say. He seemed especially hard on himself, commenting on how he wished he could be as perfect as other boys that he knows. I told him that to me he is perfect, and that there is no other boy in the world that I would want in my life.
I'm a bit curious why he's comparing himself like that and feeling not good enough. I don't think I've compared him to anyone, and I think I've been good at reassuring him that he's a great kid. I'm wondering if he's trying for me, to make life easier for me? Or does he feel that everything is somehow his fault? He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure that I'm happy from now on. It's very sad, because it is not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of him.
Isn't it odd how children take a care giving role to their parents? This is yet another thing to keep an eye on. I need to make sure that my son doesn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders at the tender age of 6.
My son worries about too many things, and he takes too much on himself emotionally. He is too young to realize that he cannot and should not worry about things today that may not even become an issue tomorrow.
I know- Like mother, like son. How can I tame this in my son when I can't even control it in myself? It's like the blind leading the blind. :(
When I met his teacher, I was pleased to hear what he had to say. Apparently, the principal had told him that our divorce was finalized this summer, and to keep an eye out to make sure we know if he's emotionally well adjusted to the change. I thought that was nice of her. The teacher said that my son is doing very well, that he's really polite, and that he came in on day one saying "This is grade 2. It's a new year, but the same school. I'm going to have a great year". And apparently, he's stuck by it. He said that so far, my son seems excited to be there, and doesn't seem to be impacted by the divorce. I was really relieved.
I wonder if the divorce was the same for my children as it was for me- more of a formality, with the bigger change being the separation itself? I'm not sure, so I'll wait and see. Either way, I am very pleased. I've seen the difference in my son too- he seems more well adjusted, happier, and more comfortable speaking about his feelings when things bother him.
I think it's also a great thing that he has a male teacher. My brother in law is a Vice Principal and he once told me that little boys learn better from male teachers. I think this might be especially true for my son, mostly because he is with me more than his father, and lacks a consistent positive male role model. The best role modeling he gets today is from Rich, and I am so grateful for that. But, it's still not every day, so the thought of a male teacher for my son makes me feel comfortable. It helps that he's a young teacher, and also that he's very soft-spoken. I feel really good about the upcoming school year.
I was tucking my son in last night and I told him how pleased I was to hear what his teacher had to say. He seemed especially hard on himself, commenting on how he wished he could be as perfect as other boys that he knows. I told him that to me he is perfect, and that there is no other boy in the world that I would want in my life.
I'm a bit curious why he's comparing himself like that and feeling not good enough. I don't think I've compared him to anyone, and I think I've been good at reassuring him that he's a great kid. I'm wondering if he's trying for me, to make life easier for me? Or does he feel that everything is somehow his fault? He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure that I'm happy from now on. It's very sad, because it is not his responsibility to take care of me. It's my responsibility to take care of him.
Isn't it odd how children take a care giving role to their parents? This is yet another thing to keep an eye on. I need to make sure that my son doesn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders at the tender age of 6.
My son worries about too many things, and he takes too much on himself emotionally. He is too young to realize that he cannot and should not worry about things today that may not even become an issue tomorrow.
I know- Like mother, like son. How can I tame this in my son when I can't even control it in myself? It's like the blind leading the blind. :(
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
10 days of Peace
Joy to the world...My ex is out of town. On training. For 10 glorious days, in Arizona. I never felt so free, except when he was in Dubai. Nobody to bother me, harass me, stalk me, etc. WOW- it's better than winning the lottery!
I'm going to a dinner party on Saturday night. I would normally decline because of the chance that my ex may be invited and actually show...But now, there's no risk! I can go and have fun. What joy!
I'm half joking...But just half. After all, 50% of this is what you allow it to become. Needless to say, I've permitted things to get bad by not slapping him with a restraining order the day he returned from Dubai, or heck, by not slapping him back the first time he hit me. Either way, I do think I'm getting better at keeping him and his bad behavior contained. I am learning...
On another note, he came by on Sunday to drop off the children. In his new Volvo. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he has a new car. But he admitted that it's costing him $700 a month. And yet, the man cannot pay child support. What's the deal? If it were me, I would take a lesser car and backpay child support because they are my children (and responsibility) too. But that's just me. As it stands, he doesn't intend to back pay anything :( He does however, say that he will start paying support again in October.
Man! Either I'm a real sucker, or he has truly given me a raw deal. I keep telling myself, don't worry; all men aren't like that. There are guys out there that are very loving and responsible who would never treat a woman badly or with disrespect. At least, I hope there are. I certainly don't want to end up feeling like most men are selfish and money hungry with no care for others.
Don't get me wrong, I know many women who are like that. It's just- I'm not one of them...So IF I ever decide to get into another relationship, it would have to be with someone very giving and thoughtful, someone with integrity. Basically, the opposite of my ex. If he exists :)
Well....For now, he exists in my head. That's a good start :) At least I'm being optimistic...
I'm going to a dinner party on Saturday night. I would normally decline because of the chance that my ex may be invited and actually show...But now, there's no risk! I can go and have fun. What joy!
I'm half joking...But just half. After all, 50% of this is what you allow it to become. Needless to say, I've permitted things to get bad by not slapping him with a restraining order the day he returned from Dubai, or heck, by not slapping him back the first time he hit me. Either way, I do think I'm getting better at keeping him and his bad behavior contained. I am learning...
On another note, he came by on Sunday to drop off the children. In his new Volvo. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he has a new car. But he admitted that it's costing him $700 a month. And yet, the man cannot pay child support. What's the deal? If it were me, I would take a lesser car and backpay child support because they are my children (and responsibility) too. But that's just me. As it stands, he doesn't intend to back pay anything :( He does however, say that he will start paying support again in October.
Man! Either I'm a real sucker, or he has truly given me a raw deal. I keep telling myself, don't worry; all men aren't like that. There are guys out there that are very loving and responsible who would never treat a woman badly or with disrespect. At least, I hope there are. I certainly don't want to end up feeling like most men are selfish and money hungry with no care for others.
Don't get me wrong, I know many women who are like that. It's just- I'm not one of them...So IF I ever decide to get into another relationship, it would have to be with someone very giving and thoughtful, someone with integrity. Basically, the opposite of my ex. If he exists :)
Well....For now, he exists in my head. That's a good start :) At least I'm being optimistic...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
My Little Hockey Player
I will have to take my son to hockey on Saturday and Sunday next weekend. My ex came by today and showed me how to put on all the hockey equipment.
Honestly, I've watched hockey on TV and it's loads of fun. I don't mind watching it at all. BUT- having to dress my son in all that gear, and knowing what it's for, I don't know. I kept asking my ex all types of questions-
ME: "What's that for?"
EX: "That's his jock. It protects the family jewels"
ME: "Well- these are kids, right? It's not like anyone would hurt him, right?"
EX: "Are you kidding me? He took a stick to the crotch just this morning"
ME: "Oh MY GOD! Does he really have to play hockey? Can't we bubble wrap him or something?"
EX: "Now you're just being protective"
ME: (turning to my son) "Next week, you show me who gave you the stick to your crotch. Mommy's going to have a chit chat with that boy"
EX: "No you're not....Although this was deliberate...But still...This is hockey. You can't chit chat with the kid....next week it could be ours who gives someone else a stick. This is just how it goes"
ME: "Deliberate? Oh my GOD you must be joking! You know for a fact that this kid deliberately gave our baby a stick to the CROTCH? These kids are like, 6!!! That malicious 6 year old really needs a chit chat now!"
EX: "That's what penalties are for...for malicious or unfair tactics"
ME: "And that's it? Can't they kick him out of the league or something? Have a rule that says if you do 3 malicious actions you have to leave?"
OK- this is why I should not be taking the children to sports. Between the jock, the elbow pads, shoulder pads, knee pads, neck guard (tell me that isn't scary) and helmet with the tooth protector thing, I think I am going to have a cardiac watching his game. I'll be reading extra Ramadan prayers before leaving the house that morning. And no, I'm not joking. Not one bit.
And on that note....What the heck are they doing scheduling 6am hockey on a weekend? For 6 year old boys? Don't people sleep???
Sigh. I know- I do this cuz my son loves it. But really- couldn't he love basketball or something? My ex insisted that every Canadian child should know how to play ice hockey. I reluctantly agreed.
Now I'm just scared. I'm an overprotective mom. I know. I can't help it.
Honestly, I've watched hockey on TV and it's loads of fun. I don't mind watching it at all. BUT- having to dress my son in all that gear, and knowing what it's for, I don't know. I kept asking my ex all types of questions-
ME: "What's that for?"
EX: "That's his jock. It protects the family jewels"
ME: "Well- these are kids, right? It's not like anyone would hurt him, right?"
EX: "Are you kidding me? He took a stick to the crotch just this morning"
ME: "Oh MY GOD! Does he really have to play hockey? Can't we bubble wrap him or something?"
EX: "Now you're just being protective"
ME: (turning to my son) "Next week, you show me who gave you the stick to your crotch. Mommy's going to have a chit chat with that boy"
EX: "No you're not....Although this was deliberate...But still...This is hockey. You can't chit chat with the kid....next week it could be ours who gives someone else a stick. This is just how it goes"
ME: "Deliberate? Oh my GOD you must be joking! You know for a fact that this kid deliberately gave our baby a stick to the CROTCH? These kids are like, 6!!! That malicious 6 year old really needs a chit chat now!"
EX: "That's what penalties are for...for malicious or unfair tactics"
ME: "And that's it? Can't they kick him out of the league or something? Have a rule that says if you do 3 malicious actions you have to leave?"
OK- this is why I should not be taking the children to sports. Between the jock, the elbow pads, shoulder pads, knee pads, neck guard (tell me that isn't scary) and helmet with the tooth protector thing, I think I am going to have a cardiac watching his game. I'll be reading extra Ramadan prayers before leaving the house that morning. And no, I'm not joking. Not one bit.
And on that note....What the heck are they doing scheduling 6am hockey on a weekend? For 6 year old boys? Don't people sleep???
Sigh. I know- I do this cuz my son loves it. But really- couldn't he love basketball or something? My ex insisted that every Canadian child should know how to play ice hockey. I reluctantly agreed.
Now I'm just scared. I'm an overprotective mom. I know. I can't help it.
Following a Scientific Method?
Now THAT's progress!
I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday and she told me that the majority of Muslim groups have agreed to follow a more scientific method for predicting the Muslim calendar dates. This means that we would know when Ramadan would start, or when Eid will occur, potentially even months beforehand. Now that is just awesome. One less thing to be embarrassed about :)
I think some Imams must have read my blog entries from last year :)
I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday and she told me that the majority of Muslim groups have agreed to follow a more scientific method for predicting the Muslim calendar dates. This means that we would know when Ramadan would start, or when Eid will occur, potentially even months beforehand. Now that is just awesome. One less thing to be embarrassed about :)
I think some Imams must have read my blog entries from last year :)
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Happy Ramadan
Well, it's Ramadan. Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim friends! I've been trying to keep this Ramadan busy so I don't act like such a hermit, like last year. So far, I've booked every Saturday for the next for weeks, as well as two Sundays...and I've made arrangements with family on the weekdays. I'm also going to take my children to the mosque a few times...Let's see if my faith gets uplifted in any way :)
I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.
I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)
I took the day off to spend with a friend on Friday. It was his birthday, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together- it was fun. As always, the "When will Ramadan be?" question was looming in the air on Friday- because- as always, we as a community always mix this up and have some people start on one day and the rest on the next. Sigh. Love that lunar calendar.
I have decided to adopt a new philosophy- I will start on the later day and end on the earlier day- how does that sound? :)
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
One Week 'Till Ramadan
Where do the weekends go?? I spent some time with friends on Saturday night, went to a baby shower, went to the gym, cleaned the house...And now it's over :(
Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!
Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.
So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.
This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.
Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.
Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...
Either way, at least the house is clean :) And because of my 15 minute a night routine, it took me only 2 hours this weekend to get all caught up. Moving forward, my 15 minutes should keep everything maintained. Hooray for less stress!
Ramadan starts next weekend. I'm feeling different than I did last year, but not anywhere near where I would like to be. Like I've mentioned many times, my faith has taken a major beating since my separation. It's slowly coming back, but really slowly.
So last year, I was unfortunately, dreading Ramadan. Fasting was just another glitch in my schedule, because it meant a break in routine to break fast and as a single mom rushing to pickup kids on time after work, there was no time for that. That coupled with the headaches from the lack of water, I really didn't want Ramadan to come around. Half way through the month, I had to stop fasting anyways, because my ulcer flared up and caused major problems for me.
This year, I'm not dreading Ramadan. I'm not exactly excited about it either, but I'm trying my best to embrace it. I'm not fearing the "inconvenience" of the schedule, because I know I have some options available to me. I am scheduling social events in Ramadan, including hosting a few fast-breaking dinner parties at my place, so that's an enormous change.
Last year, I lived like a hermit in Ramadan, and avoided parties, mosques, and people. This year, I'm also really looking forward to Eid, so although my faith is nowhere near where I want it to be, I think it is definitely on the right track.
Maybe by next year I will be even closer to where I would like to be. Maybe...
Friday, September 15, 2006
From the Horse's Mouth
My son has a PD day today (what the heck- school just started and teachers are already getting time off. Sheesh!)
Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.
I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.
I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.
I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.
My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.
That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.
Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.
Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.
I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?
Anyhow, we went to drop my daughter to her Montessori. On the way home, my son asked me if I could try to be more "calm" when dealing with his father. My first knee jerk reaction was about to be a defensive one, but I caught myself just in time. This is, after all, just a child.
I asked him why he felt I wasn't calm. He said that he's noticed that his father and I don't get along, that we aren't even friends, and that we aren't even friendly with eachother, and that it looks like we fight a lot. I felt bad. Really bad. I mean, I spent my entire marriage protecting the children from seeing anything- my bruises, hearing the arguments, even from sensing that something was wrong. And now that we are divorced, I guess we both let go of that. At the end of the day, the children still need to be protected emotionally, and that responsibility falls to me and to their father. Their father never really paid much attention to this stuff before, but I did, so at minimum, this responsibility should fall to me. I owe that to my children.
I asked my son why he felt I wasn't calm, trying to find out why he was asking me to be calm (and perhaps hadn't asked the same of his father). His reply, "Because you're the nice one. When you're not calm, it scares me". Poor little guy. What a guilt trip for me.
I felt so badly. I didn't know what to say to him. I promised that I would try to be more polite and calm around his dad, and apologized for the things he has obviously been witnessing. He accepted my apology and then asked me if it would be possible for us to have dinner together. All four of us, including his father. I tried asking if his dad gave him this idea, but he didn't seem to show any indication of it. If my ex did put my son up to it, he's hiding it very well. I had to tell him that it wasn't possible at this point in time, and asked why he wanted us to spend time like that together. Was he hoping we would re-marry? My son proceeded to explain that he knew we wouldn't be married again, but that seeing us together just makes him feel happy, so he was wondering if we could do it, even if just for a little while.
My heart went out to him. I almost wanted to do it just to make him happy. I said almost. At the end of the day, I do realize that no good could ever come of it. After all, it would probably confuse the children, give them false hopes, and perhaps even confuse my ex. Besides, my ex and I can't spend more than 5 minutes without arguing, so time together would just end in an argument in front of the children. That would just be worse.
That being said, I do feel for the children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. I'm an adult, and I don't even know how I would manage if my own parents ever divorced. Imagine how tough it must be for children.
Divorce is never a good thing. Nobody ever marries with the intention of getting divorced. Nobody ever wishes for it. It's just something that happens along the way. In my case, I definitely married too young, I definitely married the wrong person, and I definitely didn't leave when I should have. I should have left before I had the children.
Don't get me wrong- I love the children. It just isn't fair to have children if you're going to make them suffer through a divorce. I knew the marriage wasn't working, but I had children anyways, falsely hoping that the abuse had ended for good. Either way, the outcome has been bad for them. Now I have to make sure that I help them pick up the pieces and move on.
I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that whatever the reasons are, whatever is planned for the children and I in the future, I hope that at a minimum, somewhere along the way something in our future will help to ease their pain, even if just a bit. One step at a time, right?
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Saved by a Diet Pepsi
It was raining today. Traffic was slow. It took me 2 hours to drive into work. Now that is brutal. Maybe it's just me, but something just feels so wrong about getting up at 5:30 and then STILL trailing into the office at 9:30, especially when you left the house at 7:30. GRRR
Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.
Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.
You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.
So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)
That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.
I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM
Anyhow, I did my regular routine today, had a breakfast wrap, dropped the kids off at school and at the babysitter I recently found for my son, who, by the way, is working out just fine.
Then I got onto the highway; or should I say- the QEW parking lot.
You know your day is going to be a crappy one when a half an hour goes by and you've only gone through 2 intersections on the highway. Now that is sad. I could have walked that distance in less time.
So there I was, driving into the office, and I looked at the seat next to me and saw my packed lunch. Packed lunch which also contained a diet Pepsi. I'm thinking to myself 'no you can't, it's 8am'...But I just couldn't resist the urge for caffeine. And besides, I thought to myself- it's not like anyone will know that I drank diet Pepsi that early in the morning. (Except those who read this blog) :)
That was the best diet Pepsi I ever had. Thank God for a morning kick. I feel alive again.
I know. I'm sick :) But happy. MMMMMM
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Still on Track
I love it. My routine is still working. The ex is keeping his distance (probably because of his new job), and I am finally feeling like I can breathe. If I can keep things on track, I will be one permanently happy camper.
I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.
On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.
I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"
He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".
He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.
I even added an extra thing to my crazy routine. I'm trying to get the children to sleep in their own bed. That is a big stretch. What I've had for the past year is two little monkeys sleeping with me in my king sized bed, and I often wake up to a foot in my face, or by practically being pushed off the bed. You would be amazed at how strong a little 4 year old girl can be when she's rolling over in her sleep.
On another note, I'm still a bit tired from the weekend routine. I went to a Mehndi (henna party) on Friday night, a wedding on Saturday night (with the children both times I might add), and we threw a baby shower for my sister in law on Sunday. I am completely exhausted.
I do have one small story to share...My son is a total politician. I never let this child drink coke (after all, it's just pure sugar and he has waaaaaaaaaaay to much energy already). Anyhow, at the wedding, he came up to me with two drink glasses in his hand. He smiles, hands me the coke and says "Mommy- I got a coke for you and a water for me. Here you go". Of course, we all know what he was up to, and I do have to say, I was pretty impressed with his approach, so I smiled and said..."Oh really...How sweet of you. Tell you what...Why don't you take the coke and I'll take the water?"
He actually kept playing along "oh no mommy- I REALLY wanted you to have the coke". And then I said..."Well ok, but my suggestion is that if you really want to drink it, you should take it and run while you can, before I change my mind".
He took it, and ran. No more conversation on that. I love that kid. He is so adorable.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Chat with the Ex
I had an msn chat with my ex this morning. I saw him online and went by a gut instinct and unblocked him to see what he would say. I figured if he caught me online, it would remove the emotion from our discussions and perhaps give him a chance to have his say. I'm actually glad I did.
I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.
Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.
The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.
I guess my approach was right...His phone calls stopped a few days back. He has resorted to emailing me for administrative matters around the children, so I thought I'd give him a window on msn. He says he's trying to move on, but it's hard. He has up and down days. I think I can understand that. But he did say that he will leave me alone. He actually says that he hopes that one day I will meet someone who is a better fit for me than he was. I'm not sure if it's just a line, but it's good enough for now.
Anyhow, the good news is that he's found a job. That's good because it means two things- he will be able to pay child support again starting October, and on a second front, it means that he will be busy in the day which means he will have less time to mentally focus on me. That is perfect for me.
The conversation overall was cordial. That's a start. It was also very detached. That's a good thing. I'm not foolish enough to think the world has changed. I'm just hoping this is a baby step in the right direction.
Friday, September 08, 2006
5 Changes
I've decided not to let my ex's craziness bother me. He's still at it, but he is toning it down a bit, resorting to phoning me and harassing, but has left my friends and family alone for the most part. It makes me feel like I have a bit of breathing space. The newly found breathing space got me thinking about what I need in my life to feel like a whole person again. Honestly, I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off for so long, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to stop running in "over-drive mode".
So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.
1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.
2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good
3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!
4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result
5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.
I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.
So, I looked at what is not working well, or what has been adding to my personal stress and decided to make 5 changes to make things run a little smoother. I've made those changes as of this week, and I do have to say, so far so good. These 5 changes have made a massive difference in my life- stress wise, happiness wise, and with respect to my own personal headspace.
1) Wake up at 5:30, have a calm morning routine with the children, and get to work on time. So far so good. I had a glitch with my babysitter this week, so I'm trying to find a new one for my son, but other than that, this one is going well so far. I cannot tell you how awesome it has been to have a calm morning instead of a hyper active late running one.
2) 15 minutes of housework every night before bed. No matter how tired I am. This will prevent everything from piling up on my weekends. I figure if I can do one thing a night, clean a washroom, mop the floors, vacuum etc...My weekends will be much happier, and my weekdays will feel more orderly. So far so good
3) No more eating on the go. Wow. This one has been awesome. I'm actually eating breakfast in the morning. That alone has changed my life. I usually skip breakfast and am ready to pass out by lunchtime. On the days that I run out of time and miss lunch, I am a terror by 3pm. This little change has made life better. Eating lunch at my desk doesn't count by the way. I allow myself to do that :) But still, the extra morning time has allowed me to pack lunch, snacks etc...So I'm not grabbing stuff that can be eaten in the car, on the subway etc. It's actually resulted in healthier eating, and no more hunger headaches...Two birds with one stone!
4) Going to the gym- this one has been harder. I want to go 3 times a week. I've managed to go twice this week so far, but I'm still feeling less stressed as a result
5) Going to bed no later than 11pm. Hey- I was going to bed at 2am. Going to bed by 11 allows me to wake up by 5:30 and not be moody. Like I said, so far so good.
I'm not sure how long this will last. Maybe it will be a two week thing that dies out because it's hard to maintain. I do have to say, I feel a lot better physically and mentally as a result, so I'm hoping to stick to it. Even my ex's tactics haven't been bothering me as much.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Back into the Swing of things
I'm hoping for no more glitches. I know that my ex has a tendency to throw my life off with little or no effort, but as of now, I'm feeling a bit more stable. The children are set in their routine (I hope), and I've got their before/after school care all arranged. I found a fantastic after school program for my son. They will pick him up from school, drive to their facility, do 30 mins homework, 15 minutes snack and a 45 minute karate class, followed by arts and crafts each day before I pick him up at 6pm. I figure if nothing else, the karate class should be good for his confidence, self esteem, and focus. Not that my son needs it, but you can never go wrong with extra discipline in those areas. Especially if you are an active 6 year old boy.
My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.
As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.
I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)
My daughter was thrilled to see her friends again. I was happy to see her happy. There is something to be said about emotional stability. When my children appear happy and well adjusted, I feel happy and well adjusted. Let's hope the momentum continues.
As for today, I'm mentally ready to be back at work. I had a nice pep talk with Mich and Rich yesterday and that helped me quite a bit. Today, I'm dressed in a suit (that tells you my mindset. When I'm in a suit, I'm ready. When I'm business casual, I'm usually not). It's a nice day outside, and I just have to pack my son's lunch, give them breakfast and I'm off to work.
I'm praying that I can keep my focus this time around. It's also nice to know that all my friends have been praying for me :)
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Holding Strong
I took a few days away. I took Friday off and went to visit a friend for the weekend. We had a nice time, went to see a show, hung out, went for long walks. I'm feeling a lot better now, and I feel like I can face the world again. Thank God for good friends.
As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.
Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.
Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.
At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!
As for my ex, the drama continues. He contacted a friend of mine last week, tried another one on Saturday, and then had a whole bunch of drama when I went to pick up the children from him on Sunday. He wanted to go through the whole reconciliation talk again, wanted me to stay and have coffee with him, etc etc. I told him no, but to be honest, even that took 10 mins because he kept on protesting and trying to convince me. Then when I got home, he called me again, asking if he could come over. Then on Monday, I had to go to his place to pick up the children's backpacks and encountered the same drama. I'm getting tired of this, but I feel like I can keep going, mostly because I feel a bit recharged from the couple of days away.
Today I'm working from home. I had to take the children to school. My son started grade 2. He looked absolutely adorable in his new outfit with the new backpack and shoes. I walked him to school, and he kissed me and said "Don't worry mommy- I'll do really well". Even he can sense all my emotions, including when I'm sentimental, concerned, nervous, etc, and he always knows how to cheer me up. I LOVE him! I love that I probably have the only kid in grade 2 who is not ashamed to give his mother a goodbye hug and kiss in public. It made my day.
Next I went to my daughter's Montessori and registered her. Yes, registered. With all the legal drama I didn't get a chance to do that yet. I called the school and told them she would be returning, but never filled out the paperwork until today.
At some point in the day today, in between my office work, I have to find a before/afterschool arrangement for my son so that I can actually go to the office tomorrow. This is all so complicated sometimes. I don't know how other single moms get through this stuff. I get through mostly because of all the emotional support around me. But still...my kingdom for a nanny!
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