Thursday, August 31, 2006

Here we go Again

It never ends. Never, never, never! I'm starting to feel like I am one of those people who is just meant to have complications in her life. I've been trying not to be negative, but it's just really hard. I've also learned that no matter what, we have to be grateful for the friends around us, but at the end of the day, we all stand alone. Friends can help to cheer you up, to keep your spirits up, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own well being. You cannot expect anyone else to stand for you the way you can stand for yourself. We are ultimately responsible for our own safety.

So, the past week has been chalk full of my ex's insanity. He's been stalking me again, behaving erratically and just being an overall pain. I thought that on Wed at my daughter's soccer game, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong.

Friday August 25- My ex starts calling a community leader and shows up at his house requesting that he help to reconcile my marriage. He basically wanted this person to go to my father and persuade him to talk to me. (What the heck? Am I an idiot? Do I not have a say in anything? Why would you send anyone to my father?). Thankfully, this person refused the request.

Saturday August 26- My ex goes to my parent's home, accompanied by 2 of his brothers, his mother, his friend, and a different community leader, requesting to speak to my father. I'm not kidding. This is the most insanity I've ever heard of. Who does this stuff? They were basically there to request that my father speak to me and persuade me to reconcile for the sake of the children. My ex claims that he has changed, yada yada etc etc. Anyhow, my dad is stunned. He asks where the heck everyone was for the past 2 1/2 years, like before the divorce. He asks them to leave, and advises that he will not speak to me, and that furthermore, even if I wanted to reconcile, he would never let me do it. Go daddy go!

Saturday August 26- My brother calls me and advises that he has received an email from my ex requesting an opportunity to meet and to prove that he has changed and that he has an undying amount of love for me. I tell my brother that if he meets him, we are through. DO NOT MEET!

Saturday August 26- My ex calls Rich's house while I am there and goes through the same shpeel with him. ***sigh*** I am getting so irritated by this point. Why do people give him the time of day?

Sunday August 27- I get a call from a friend who wants to talk. This person advises me that my ex is basically obsessed and that he (my friend) is concerned for my safety. He doesn't know what my ex is doing, but is concerned that he may "go off the deep end".

Monday August 28- I am leaving the house at 7:30am and the phone rings. I pick up without looking at the call display because I'm in such a hurry to get out the door. It's my ex. He wants to come over and deliver a letter to me. I refuse and tell him not to come to my house. He insists that I must read the letter. I tell him that if he comes to my home, I will call the police. He tries to give me a guilt trip- we were married for 15 years and now I can't even spare a minute for him, etc etc. I tell him no I can't and hang up.

Monday August 28- It's 8am. I'm driving into the office. My phone rings. It's Mich. My ex has come to their home unannounced, asking to speak to Rich, letter in hand. I tell her no way, send him away tell him to leave. I speak to Rich, and ask him to make him leave. He says ok. Now I'm really stressed.

I call the office and speak to my girlfriend. By this time, the stress is getting to me and I'm crying hysterically. I'm afraid for my safety because he's acting crazy, and I'm really annoyed by all the harassment. I get to the office, still crying, and she takes the day off to spend with me and calm me down. Saved.

On Tuesday, I went to the courts to find out my options, and spoke to a lawyer. I know what my options are. I'm just waiting a couple of days to decide what I want to do next.

Honestly, crazy people should be locked away forever. The laws are too weak and don't do enough to protect single mothers with psycho ex husbands. I went into the office yesterday, but had a really hard time focusing. I'm working from home today, taking the day off tomorrow to visit a friend, and working from home Tuesday to see the children off on their first day of school. Hopefully by next week, I'll be doing better.

Damn him. Why does he have to be so crazy?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Working from Home

I'll be working from home on Thursday and Friday this week and next. I've had some daycare issues...Did not realize that the daycare ended its summer program for the last two weeks of August. I've found a babysitter for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays, but have nobody for Thursday and Friday. Thankfully my boss is super understanding and has no issue with the extra flexibility. In return...I do my best to work really hard, despite the distraction of the children being home with me. For the most part they are pretty good...They watch TV, play games, play in the backyard, so I can't complain. Still, I won't lie and pretend that it isn't easier to work from home when it's just me here. Then again, I welcome the extra time with the kids in their home.

I went for my physical check up today. It's been two years since my last one, so I got some scolding from my doctor. He says that especially given all the stress that I've been under these past two years, I shouldn't be neglecting my health. Stress has severe impacts on the body so I should be more responsible. Either way, he was pleased to see that all my vitals were textbook perfect. ECG, blood pressure, etc...All clear. Let's just wait and see how the bloodwork turns out. He said that he is pleasantly surprised. He apparently was expecting to find me a mess after everything I've been through. Apparently I'm more resilient than any of us anticipated. Brownie points for me. Thank God for sticking by me on this one.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Final Soccer Game- Thank GOD

Tonight was my daughter's last soccer game. It was nice to see her play, but I'm actually glad it's over. My ex is using these games as an opportunity to harass me. Tonight he went on with the chatter...random topics- how are you, have you seen any good movies, remember the good times we used to have, yada yada yada. I'm just glad I won't have to deal with him anymore....until hockey season starts up I guess...

I love the friend who posted the comment about there always being light at the end of the tunnel, but that some tunnels are longer than we hoped. That actually has given me renewed hope. Maybe it's not fair, but truthfully, my journey with this marriage and divorce has been a few years too long. I am hoping that light will shine through soon enough....a special thank you to my girlfriend for her words of wisdom :)

So Rich has written an outstanding letter for my ex's lawyer. I'm feeling better now. I think I will be able to do this on my own...without retaining a full time lawyer (thanks to my FREE LAWYER!). Thank God for good friends.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Will the Weirdness EVER End??

SO....

I went to watch my son at his final soccer game last night. My ex, of course is the coach. He decided not to coach and to spend the entire hour talking to me. I told him I was not interested in talking but...That never seems to work.

He started off by saying that he is glad that I am moving on...That I have many friends, that I seem to be enjoying life, that I seem happy. He then went on to ask if I was seeing anyone. I said that it was not any of his business, and that he shouldn't be asking me these types of questions. He basically said that he still hoped we would be able to resolve things, and somehow get back together. He said that he still loved me. I told him that people who love don't punch eachother in the face. Furthermore, I told him that things have progressed much too far. It is much to late for that, and if he really cared, he would wish me well, and want me to meet a nice man and be happy.

He didn't seem so happy.

Anyhow...It was an awkward and uncomfortable experience. I'm glad it's over. I basically told him to move on and meet someone, to find happiness, and to wish me well. When the conversation persisted, I asked him to not be obsessive...To please just be happy and let me be. I admitted to casually being introduced to people, but did not talk beyond that.

I feel sad for him...But really...What am I to do? I had to tell him the truth...That I have NO desire to get back together...The divorce is finally over...I just want to move on. I want to be free.

GOD...Are all men this difficult, or do I just know how to pick 'em?

I really truly just want him to be happy....Then he will leave me alone. When I basically said that I was not interested, he got back to the re-opened custody dispute...When would I reply to the lawyers...We are going to hash it out in court...blah blah blah.

I chose not to answer. I feel stronger, but I know that I am taking strength from the people around me who hold me up and make me feel secure.

Tonight, I go to Rich's to review our court strategy. Hold on...Here we go again...

Monday, August 21, 2006

Mending the Emotional Wounds

I spent the past few days basically trying to get my emotional headspace back. I'm feeling normal again, thanks to ALL my friends. This one took alot of support from around 10 friends who knew when to push me and when to back off, and I'll be eternally grateful to them for not letting me drown. I also went to visit a friend this weekend, and now I'm feeling emotionally golden and solid again. Thank God for good friends.

So, I've given this alot of thought, and I have a game plan. Thank God for the people who helped me put it together, but basically, I'm going to represent myself with the assistance of Rich, who is an LLB. I'll go to a lawyer to look over my case before I go to court, to give us any tips etc if we need them. I just can't afford a lawyer right now, and besides....I can talk as well as the next guy :)

I am going to bring up everything in court. The way I see it, I need to bury this as deep as I can so it sticks for as long as possible. This is the only way to do it. The past two years of emotional healing should be enough to help me through the ordeal...if not, some psychologist somewhere will make a heck of alot of money. Joking of course.

Anyhow, that's the story...let's see how it unfolds.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Soccer Mom, Lawyer's Letter

So, this was my first week on my own with the children, without my ex's help in the weekdays. It's very tiring, not to mention the late working nights to catch up. My kids had soccer Monday night and Wednesday night (tonight). I had to leave the office at 4pm both days. Getting in at 9:30 is not good for the schedule either...So I have to work late at night to make up for the short day. After all, my work still has to get done. The lack of sleep resulting from the late nights is bad for me too. So I think I'm creating a bad cycle. I'll have to figure this one out.

So- here is my week so far. Monday- My mom had her angiogram. All went well. No blockages. I cannot describe how incredibly relieved I was to hear the news. My mom being the superwoman she is, thought she would be able to go back to work the next day. We had to force her to take the week off work. Actually, I had to call her office and advise them that she won't be coming in. She was furious, but at least we are forcing her to rest after the test. I am starting to realize that I am a lot like my mom. Now that is scary.

Monday night, I had to take my son to soccer. Since I've told my ex that he can't have the children on weeknights anymore, I had to take him myself. The weird thing is that my ex is the soccer coach, so he was there when I got there. I saw all the parents looking at me when I got there. It was my first time attending a game. I can only imagine what he's said about me to those people. They must think I'm a witch or something. Then again...Who cares? I'll never see them again in my life anyways.

There have been many times in the past where I have contemplated going to the children's games. I haven't gone because I didn't want to confuse the children by having both their parents present together, or by having us present but apart so they would have to explain it to their friends. I just thought it was easier for them if I stepped out. It was hard to do, but I did it for them. Now that I won't let him have the kids on weekdays, and since he is the coach, I've put myself in the very situation I've been trying to avoid for the past year. **Sigh. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is my daughter's soccer night. I took my children to the field, only to see my ex there. He is not her soccer coach, so this was a bit of a surprise. I asked what he was doing there and he muttered something about being entitled to watch his children play soccer and that I had no right to tell him otherwise. I stepped down and decided not to argue the point, because I think he may be right. I'm not sure what the legal answer is to that, and besides, I'm not trying to be spiteful here, just trying to protect the children. As long as I'm there, they are protected, so I decided to be fair about everything and not to argue with him. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't bother me to see him there. It did. But I think that's why he was there. Either way, I am glad that I got to see my daughter play soccer. She's pretty good, in fact, she plays even better than my son. I was very impressed to see her running and kicking her little heart out. That's my baby! You go girl!

Anyhow, after the game I was talking to one of the moms from my daughter's school. She is also a single mom and her ex lives in Jamaica. For some bizarre reason she kept going on and on about how lucky I am that my ex lives in the country and is an involved father and is around to provide positive role modeling to my children. Positive role modeling my foot. She has no clue what I've been through with this man. And my ex, who was within earshot had a huge smirk on his face. Great...Just what I needed. Fuel his flames some more. Thanks chick. I needed that like I need a hole in the head. Anyhow, I'm sure I'll have to deal with that backlash at some point or another.

I'm hanging in as best as I can, but I have to be honest. I do not see an end to all this crap. Some days things just feel so totally hopeless, I wonder why I bother wasting my energy when I never seem to win or get anywhere.

Here is the kicker...The best part. On our way home, I checked the mail. In the mail, I found a priority post letter from my ex's lawyer. It turns out he wants 50/50 access to the children. Here are a few key points from the letter:

  • Apparently, I am treating this like a dictatorship. Since we have joint custody, I cannot make unilateral decisions about the children's schooling, and which school they attend. My ex wants them in an Islamic School, I want them in Public School. The way I see it, he doesn't PAY for any of it so why should he have a say? I am paying for all the day care and after school support so really, it should be my decision. I'm not particularly concerned about this one. There isn't a court in the country that can force me to send my children to Islamic school instead of Public School. I'm sure to win this one. And not to be mean, but given the current political environment and the negative publicity Muslims have been receiving, I'm sure to win this anyways. Sorry Muslim friends...but you know I'm right...
  • He now wants 50/50 time with the children. Meaning 2-3 weekdays plus every other weekend.
  • He wants to be able to enrol them in more extra-curricular activities. I previously agreed to one activity per week per child. I mean, he's not employed so where does he expect to pay for all this from? Apparently, I'm being unreasonable.
  • I have until Aug 25 to reply or else he's taking me to court.

OK- WHAT THE HELL? I mean honestly! Here is what's making me angry:
  • He doesn't have the money to pay child support for those children, but somehow he's managed to retain a lawyer! Not a legal aid lawyer but a REAL lawyer! How is that possible?
  • He doesn't have the money for child support but he has the money for extra curricular activities
  • With me carrying all the expenses for the children, I cannot afford a lawyer, so I'm basically screwed. I'll have to represent myself in court. Since I own a house and have a decent job, I am not eligible for legal aid
  • I might have to drag the children to testify or get a children's lawyer...I can't afford a children's lawyer nor do I want to put the children through that
  • I am not mentally in the space to go to court YET AGAIN

OK- so I spoke to a dear friend tonight and he recommended that I calm down and start doing legwork. He gently told me that it's time to bring out the big guns in court. To talk about the abuse and detail his recent behavior with the children. I really didn't want to do this, but I think he's right.

I really do not want to go to the office tomorrow. I am feeling overwhelmed and am in no mood to deal with work. I would much rather curl in a ball and hide away from the world.

I also feel like I'm losing my faith. Muslims believe that after hardship always comes ease....WHERE is the ease???? When is it coming? I've been a decent person all my life...when will this get easier? Sigh. I think I'll stop holding my breath on this one.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I found the Lawn Cutting Dude!

I found out who cut my lawn! I asked my other neighbour, and he said it wasn't him, but that he was going to do it if I didn't do it by that weekend :)

So there is a teenage kid around the corner from me. I've been asking around if he could cut my grass, and never got the opportunity to speak to him directly. Apparently my other neighbours felt sorry for me, and rang his bell while I was away, and arranged for him to cut my grass on a regular basis. Did I mention how much I LOVE my neighbours? So anyways, the guy came and cut my grass while I was away. He came today to let me know, and to see if I was interested in continuing with him. HELL YA!

So, for a mere $20 a month, my back and front lawn will be cut every other week. I am so happy. I hate yard work. And, he's agreed to shovel the snow in the winter. I am off the hook for the outside work! Whoo hooooo!

Happy happy happy!

Centre Island

I took the children to Centre Island yesterday. They had a fantastic time. I never realized this, but they've never been on a boat. The highlight of their day was the ferry ride to the Island. I wanted to give the children some time to just chat...Away from friends and family, so I could see how they are doing. They seem to be doing just fine. Most of all, I really feel they enjoyed the alone time with me. I wish I had the resources to take them away somewhere for a week. Since that isn't possible at the moment, I'll have to stick to day trips for now.

It's amazing how resilient children are. I had some really good talks with them yesterday, and they are very well aware of the fact that their dad is pressuring them, and of the fact that it isn't right. They expressed that they enjoy the time with me because I just like to make sure "everything is fun" and because I "don't get mad easily".

I'm personally a bit stressed about the possibility of another legal battle. I'm finding my mind a bit scatterbrained, and I've yet again reached a point where I have no desire to go to the office, or do much of anything until I've settled this issue. It's amazing what an enormous impact personal factors like this can have on our motivation to do other things in our life. Really, in the grand scheme of things, a few days in the office feel unimportant compared to the stuff I'm dealing with now...But either way, we plug along and do what we have to do right? Right now, I wish I were self employed and had people that could manage my workload for me, so I could deal with the current issue at hand. Then again, there is always vacation time that can be used I suppose.

To top it off, my mom has some health tests tomorrow, and my mind is on that as well. I'm debating if I should take Monday off and be with her, or if I should let my sister go with her. Yet another thing to think about.

So, the main focus for me now is to get through this stuff with my ex. To see what my options are. I spoke to someone who is fairly well versed on this stuff and she said that in her opinion, I won't have a case to fight for full custody at this time. Mean and dirty tricks are apparently common in divorced households, and if there isn't actually physical abuse happening, I don't have much of a leg to stand on.

Like I said...It's sick...I almost have to wait until it's too late to have the power to do anything. Either way, I'll get a second opinion. Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Straightening out the Deal

I've spend the past couple of days ironing out my never ending issues with my ex. I made the mistake in July of letting him have weekday access to the children so that he could take them for extra curricular activities like soccer. At the time, my reasoning was that it was better for the children to be involved in these activities with their dad than to be parked at some daycare waiting for me to get home for work. I thought wrong.

I keep having to re-learn past lessons. That either makes me really stupid or really trusting/naive. So here we go again. With my ex, you give an inch, he takes a mile. I knew things were getting a bit weird when my daughter indicated that she would rather spend time with me than be with her dad. I had a feeling that perhaps things weren't going that well.

Recently, it has come to my attention that my ex is basically bribing the children and pressuring them to get me to let him have even more time with him. This is outrageous. Not only am I giving him extra time in good faith, but I also at the same time have the basic trust that he won't abuse the privilege. He obviously doesn't care much for the children's emotional well being, because he's been pressuring them, harassing them, and basically telling them that he can't talk to me directly because he "hates their mother". My children asked me why their daddy hates me.

How sad. How sick. How completely unforgivable. Putting children in the middle of their parent's issues is just plain wrong, and saying bad things about the other parent is just plain mean.

So, I spent most of yesterday batting back and forth emails that basically said that he is to have no more access to the children above and beyond the court order. Ever. If he wants to see them, he can take me to court. I know it seems harsh, but the only way to keep this man in a safe place, and to protect my children is to minimize his contact with them. Even if they don't understand why I'm doing it.

Today, the children had many questions for me. Their father was kind enough to tell them that I am "cutting their time together" and that I am being "very mean" and that they should talk to me for him. We had a very nice chat together, and I basically told them that it was unfair for him to put them in that position. I asked them if they wanted to see more of their dad, reassured that it was a safe environment to speak in front of me. They admitted that they don't really like going there too much, and that they would prefer to be at home with me. I told them not to worry, that they are safe and that I'm just protecting their best interests. Should they want to see more of their dad, they are welcome to do so, but he is not allowed to pressure them into it. They seemed satisfied with that answer. Thank God my children are so easy to talk to.

I spoke to a friend today and he told me to prepare for issues with my ex over the next year. He thinks it will get worse before it gets better. He may be right. I'm learning as I go along, but I think overall, the only way for this to work is for me not to be myself. No trusting, no feeling sorry for him, no giving benefit of the doubt. Rules are rules, and that's how it will stay.

It's true...Children bring out the tigress in their moms. But man, am I ever feeling tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, for the first time, I actually almost thought that the children would have been better off if I had just stayed with my ex, so that I could always be around to protect them. That thought lasted just a few seconds. Clearly, putting myself through that misery would not have been the answer. The right answer is to develop enough of a backbone to keep this man at bay.

And just imagine, a few days ago, someone said that I'm not maternal just because I didn't want to have more children...Yah right, not maternal? Just ask my children that question.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Back Home

I went out of town for a few days to visit a friend. I had a really nice time, and just got home this afternoon.

I came home to a couple of things....the house was 27 degrees...ouch. I had to turn on the AC to bring it down and it's still not cooling off enough.

Second, I came back to find my front lawn cut. I assumed it was Rich, but it wasn't. It also wasn't my brother or my dad. That means it must have been one of the neighbours. Now I have to figure out which one cut it, and why they did it. Did they feel sorry for the single mom and cut her lawn cuz life is too hectic and she never gets around to it? Or were they totally embarrassed by the jungle of a lawn and decided to cut it before the property values drop on the street? :) Hmm either way, I'm not complaining, just curious more than anything else.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

No Babies Please

I have a friend that was asking how I feel about children...I mean about having more. I have no way to put this delicately, so I'll just be out with it. I have NO desire to ever have more children. My friend was mortified at how quickly I responded. I'm a bit lost.

I mean, I have two children, and one of each- boy and girl. What more could I possibly want? Why on earth would I want another child? Because I'm a sucker for pain and would love the thought of going through yet another agonizing 9 month pregnancy, or because I just can't get enough of the childbirth joy and am such a sucker for pain that I would just love to experience that again? I mean, seriously, why would I want more children?

Yes, and the fact that I have my hands full with the two I already have is just another small minor detail I suppose.

I was holding a baby at a baby shower recently, and the girl next to me said "wow, looks good on you. You are so good with children. Doesn't holding this little newborn just give you the urge to have another?"

Honestly, no! I'd much rather jump off the CN Tower than have yet another child. And we haven't even gotten to the lovely topic of what bearing a child actually does to your figure, your energy, etc. I'm just talking the basics of pregnancy and childbirth at this point. That, and actually raising children.

My friend was mortified when I told her I had no desire to have any more children, no maternal instincts left at this point. Forgive me for being blunt, but I already have two children, and while they are a total source of joy, I really don't wish to have any more. Not at all. Not ever. No thanks.

See, as much as I do get a great deal of joy from raising these little ones, they are also a huge responsibility. I want to provide them with everything I can, and that includes my time and attention. Quality is much more important than the quantity of children.

I got some lame lecture about how un-maternal I am, and how that's not a "normal state" for a woman...That most women are maternal for life and melt at the sight of a newborn. OH PLEASE. Give me a break. Now I'm broken or something? What- is being a single mom working like a dog every day just to get by a "normal state" for a woman? Not quite....So nobody has the right to judge.

Anyhow...I'm not even sure why there is so much focus around children. Now that I'm divorced, I get two major questions ALL the time- 'do you want to remarry'? And 'do you want more kids'?

I absolutely don't want more children (unless perhaps if they belong to another party- ie- someone else who is divorced and has his own from a previous marriage). And about marriage, well...Forgive me, but I am a little jarred at the moment, so I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone enough to marry them again.

So here's the deal...No more questions for me, ok? I mean, I don't even know if I'll ever be able to trust another man again, let alone marry, let alone ever contemplate more children.

I sometimes feel like the Indo-Pak girl in her late 20's who is constantly pressured to get married or her life is a waste. I did that guys...its didn't work. Now leave me alone. I'm divorced now, and just trying to get the pieces of my life back together. Let's just see if I'm capable of ever trusting the human race again before I get asked all these stupid long drawn out questions.

So, one step at a time. And right now, I'm taking baby steps trying to get my life back on track. No pun intended.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Melting

This is insane. I am a person that cannot handle heat and it's like 48 Celsius out there. I am literally melting. Thank God I didn't wear makeup today....It would have been melting on my shirt or something.

I had lunch with my girlfriend for her birthday, and we walked over to the restaurant in the boiling heat. I thought I was going to pass out or just plain die. By the time we got there I was so hot and sick that I swore I would never walk outside again...Except for the walk back to the office.

I don't handle heat well, so of course, as the afternoon progressed I felt sicker and sicker, and by 3pm, I just left the office. I couldn't concentrate, and felt really nauseated. I need to find somewhere else to go in this weather.

On another note, the ex drama continues. He's been bashing me with mean emails again. Honestly he's worse than a majorly PMS-ing woman. I often wonder what the heck I ever saw in him. It's sad...You can spend a good chunk of your life with someone, but at the end of the day, there is just a very very fine line between love and hate. Cross it and it's hard to go back. I mean I wish him well and everything, but other times (like today), I just cannot stand him.

I'm at a point where I feel like I've been pushed too far by him. His emails are irritating me, and now I think I'm going to start pushing back, and hard. It's time to bring out my mean side, out from wherever the heck she's been hibernating.

I've done the nice thing, I've done the cordial thing, I've done the patient thing. An 11 year painful marriage and 2 year God-Awful separation later...It's time to just take out the trash once and for all. (Enter shaz's bitchy side)....The truth of the matter is, I don't get mad very often. But when I do, it is not pretty.

Now I'm mad. We are finally divorced and he still won't back off. He has NO IDEA what he's in for in the next few weeks...